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..it cant be undone..
by emptyroom

This week was one of the hardest weeks Ive had to go through in a long, long time. I basically lost a really close friend of mine and when I say lost, I mean we had to end our friendship. Its not what I wanted, it wasnt my choice, it was hers and it has left me hurt and confused. Ive consumed more alcohol than I ever have and while she was a really close friend, I also had a huge crush on her and thats what makes this even harder for me. We saw each other everyday, we laughed, we joked, we got on each others nerves.


But it was all coming to a head, I knew months ago that things were going to have to change, or something drastic was going to happen. I knew that I was going to have to walk away at some point but I never wanted to come to terms with it. Work has been stressful, I was failing at my job, I was letting people down, I wasnt cut out for the position. I tried so hard to make things work at my job but I felt like I always had my back against the wall and I was just being setup to fail. I tried, I failed. So I decided to walk away, take a job transfer, work on my mental health and see if I could turn things around for myself. But I didnt know I would lose a friend in the process.


My selfish decision lead to cutting ties with a very close friend of mine. Worst part is I also have a huge crush on this friend. She was upset, she took it hard and took it personal. Things happened so fast that I never had a chance to explain my side of the story. And when I had the chance to explain my side, it wasnt received well. I cant go into all the details cause its a lot but we grew very close, too close in some cases and I knew we just couldnt be around each other anymore. Everything was failing for me, both professionaly and personally. I never thought that it would come to this. I figured I would walk away before things got too complicated and now things are way more complicated than they ever were.


I feel heartbroken, beaten down...I lost a great person in my life and I only hope time will heal the wounds and maybe we can talk again one day. But for now, Im having a hard time dealing with it. This person means more to me than they will ever know and they helped me through some difficult times. In turn, I helped her through some difficult times. She really means the world to me but she will never see it that way. She sees it as I left her, I abandonded her but really I was walking away in hopes of saving the friendship because if we kept on this path, it would have ended anyway. I know that probably doesnt make much sense but nothing really does right now. I took a risk walking away but because I never had time to talk to her, to talk her through it and to explain my reasoning, now I have lost a friend.


There's no undoing the job transfer, theres no undoing the pile of shit that I dropped on her unexpectedly. It wasnt my intention to leave her with all this, it just happened that way. And for that, I am sorry and I am left heartbroken. I will miss her smile, her side glare, her eye rolls and her laugh. I will miss telling her lame jokes and saying horrible catch phrases. I will miss having her by my side, her shoulder to lean on. I will miss her hating on me, I will miss looking at her beautiful eyes cause my god she has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. I will miss walking through the door, looking at her and having her smile at me and laugh a little. It was flirty, it was fun, it was comforting to have her around. Im gonna miss it so much and I dont know where to go from here. My heart hurts like I lost a loved one and to be honest, it kinda feels that way. I hope one day she will understand what I did, I hope she will learn to forgive me because this pain I feel lets me know that all those feelings were real. Now Im scared, lonely and not sure what tomorrow will bring. I just want her back in my life.....


1 like, 1 comment
STEWARDSHI*
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

STEWARDSHIP has been turned into STEWARDSHIT. Spent my life knowing how to read people. Learned early on what angers people and what calms them down. Body language, eyes, hands, shoulders, hands in pocket or out, they do self soothing mechanisms, hands legs, I became a human lie detector and even when I dont say anything? I see. I see you. Had to learn to use those things for self preservation, and outright survival of the physical mostly, but even the soul sometimes. Learn what people what to hear.

Spent my life despising labels, was born different and damaged. So being born into a world where every soul is compartmentalized and juidged and labeled and stuffed into boxes they dont belong in, and the rest of their lives are history. Recovering from this, being treated for that. Some people are born damaged, but that doesnt always mean that they need to be fixed. Labeled. Drugged. Tormented and rejected. All because of a system who makes trillions off keeping sick, physically and mentally. Trillions of dollars of busines in medical and psych.

What would happen if peopel were treated as someone who isnt broken? If people were allowed to heal? The system would be out of business, but my god, maybe kids would know what human really means, instead of always falling short of what they are ' supposed to act like, and be '.

Who decided what is sane and insane? If this world would abide by the 10 commandments alone, at least 90% of the need for this all important '' system '' that has taken the place of God in peoples lives, would be gone. This worlds version of suggess comes at way too high of a price. The buying and selling and trading and tricking people to agree, of HUMAN SOULS.

If I had listened, I would have a laundry list of so called diagnoses. So basically have spent my entire life running from the truth.

NOW, on the other hand? A system people either 1. aRE BLINDLY TRUSTING IN OR 2. Are badmouthing without the resources, knowledge or skill to do anything about, may be seen by some as being counterproductive. I want to be part of the solution, not the problem. If ' being honest ' means to go by labels given? It means acknowledging their labels and how they apply to me/us, and choosing to say NO I DONT ACCEPT YOUR JUDGMENT OF ME NO MATTER HOW MANY GENERATIONS ITS BEEN.

tHE NORMAL? To fight being controlled by a system that doesnt even truly want to see you get well.

I live in a world where gifted becomes ' SPECIAL NEEDS ' and differences are looked down upon. Why is it so important for them to make us all the same? That is impossible for some of us, we wouldnt be born damaged if the powers that be werent so threatened by us that they dumbed dowm generation after generation. Metals that cut off our abilities and connection to the creator. So when some are born with that halfway intact? We are healers, supernatural by definition. AND can hear God. The source of all. So that has become delusional, and skitzo? And that cookie cutter version of us has replaced true humanity. STEWARDSHIP has been turned into STEWARDSHIT. Stewardship of human life and this planet has been replaced with blindly obey - consume - destroy for profit and greed and teach the next generation to be even worse than us. ALL to fix the problems we created in the first place.

Theres nothing wrong with my generation except for being the victims of pride, greed, arrogance, make money wheel. The real American Way. I am grateful for so many reasons to have been born in the states. But wer are HUMANS. HU-(Bent angle ( angel ? ) of light MAN. Light in flesh. What exactly has that meaning become? Maybe Angels, light and love dont look like what we think.

Maybe it looks like me. Or you. Or the person homeless on the street. Maybe.......<3


0 likes, 0 comments

About to clean the living room. Imagine a world underground. I know what happens. I know where you go. I know all the pieces and none of the words.

So I look for a show, something to fill the silence. I just don't want to jump to the window at every car door. It's the neighbors. I just can't let the curiosity go if I hear it. It's not a traight I hope to nurture. Songs have always been distracting. The words stick to my memories, waiting to be stolen. So I look for a show. Something I don't have to watch but nothing so familiar it relaxes me to sleep. 

I want to be painting. 

I was painting this weekend, a Wednesday really. I told J "I watch people do this, watch their videos,"I pause  "and they stay completely clean. I never could do that." I wear a pink shirt covered in paint and marks from bleach and dye. My hands stained in purple. Changing is part of the ritual.

I told j once with paint on my hands that this is how I feel the most like myself. He mocks me with it pretty regularly now.  "I'm never baring my soul to you again!" I say with an eyeroll.

The baby cries and I realize these is no day we can hang out and paint together. I traded it.Someone has to be the active watcher so if I paint I will be lonely even when doing it together. We can't both make things with our hands.. Maybe next year. But for now I am thankful he gave me his time so I could get it done. And in the inbetween moments we sit in the sunshine right next to the dog.

I have not raided in a year. And it still hurts to even say it typed out alone to myself.

A is asleep now. I'll finish up. Maybe I'll have time to draw.

 


0 likes, 0 comments
May 17, 2022
by raen

Well, I'm alive. Yesterday was my first day back to work after covid. I was exhausted the entire time. Also, I couldn't walk and talk at the same time. LOL Feeling the need to catch my breath quite frequently. But I'm getting better. I just assume I'll be more tired than usual. Since I'm always tired anyway, that's not a new sensation. 

 

Also did some spring cleaning of my dresser today. I've put so much aside to be donated. Yeesh. Felt really satisfying, though. 

 

Ate a massive salad with tons of veggies for lunch, followed by a bowl of fresh fruit. Yum.


0 likes, 1 comment
May 11, 2022
by raen

You know how I said I only caught a cold? LOL 

 

I've got Covid now. And it's awful. Even with three shots of the vaccine. One can only assume I'm getting an extra special experience because of the lovely autoimmune disease I have. Wow do I feel like shit. Like, take it back. I don't need it. It's like a cold on crack. I'm too tired to do anything, but I can't really sleep all that much. My head feels foggy and full. The congestion is out of this world, folks. It's a treat. I can't even imagine what it's like without being vaccinated. Like holy shit man.  I'm over it now. I'd like to breathe now.


0 likes, 4 comments
Hello Bloopers!

Great news! Steve, Mark, and I are gearing up to start meeting again and planning the future of our great BloopDiary! We know we have much work to do though. As a community, we share this space and we feel it's important that everyone has a voice here. We want to hear from you because your opinion matters!

We would love for you to take a few moments and answer the following questions for us. All your answers will be helping us decide what next to do with the site!

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NOTE: I have made all comments on this entry private so the only ones who can see your answers are you and us! If you feel it is easier for you to answer in a private message, that is also okay.

Thank you so much for your help,

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0 likes, 0 comments
May 5, 2022
by raen

Nothing too exciting to share with you all. Chris got Covid and I just got a cold. LOL The person with an autoimmune disease has avoided direct contact with Covid. I am magic.

 

Just got a cardboard cut under a fingernail today. That bled a lot. It also hurt. C'est la vie. Now I'm going for a walk with a friend around downtown and by the water. Ah, the joys of having a city on one of the Great Lakes. So nice.


0 likes, 2 comments
Dead
by valencia
Heyyy!

So everything is getting better. I love my job, I am now doing PI which I love, my commute is not that bad. We are slowly catching up on our bills and just trying to rebuild out life after being houseless for 90 days.

We have some concerts we want to attend during the summer and some small Cali trips planned but after we get our finances in order. I am so excited for the future and love spending time with the love of my life and my little family.

A couple of days ago I found out my ex Eman died. I honestly have mixed feelings. Like it is very bittersweet but also he was a narcissistic person and very abusive towards me so it is weird. It was a very terrible relationship, but it seems like the cancer took over and he died in the hospital. I honestly don't know what to think except i am happy with Ryan but also feel weird and guilty because I moved on in my life but also he ends up dying and didn't have his ever happy ending which sucks but also it seems like he treated everyone around him great except me. I was the one girl that treated him so good but also got treated like shit but also it feels like it is a good time to release everything and let him rest in peace. It is just super weird though like he is forever gone. A part of me feels relieved also because there is no way he can contact me ever again. He contacted me in April I showed Ryan but I never responded. I mean this man almost destroyed our relationship, luckily Ryan forgave me if not I would of lost the most important person in my life, my true soul mate and my one and only. But yeah it seems like a perfect way to finally close that chapter in my life and be done with it. Anyways I gtg peace!
2 likes, 0 comments
Love lost
by Lost one

I lost my first love one year ago.  I never told him.  We met when we were tweens.  He was my neighbor.  When I found out he had feelings for me.  Allowed my depression take over.   Making me feel, both afraid and unworthy of him.  So I pushed him away.  Now he is gone.  

I have a boyfriend now, and I do love him.  It's just the thought of my first love not being in this world, Breaks my heart, and makes me feel I failed him. 

But I have to hide this pain because, no one can know how much I loved him.  So I only let myself, cry for him alone.  It is what I deserve.  

 


1 like, 0 comments
Alternative journal
by ~Anonymouse~

I have an Open Diary here. But here is my alternative journal for my simming and everything else I can think of. Heh. I'm playing Pokemon White 2 and already b4 Cheren's gym, I've got a full team. You can read about that over at my OD.

My aunt is here and tonight we are having fish & chips and coleslaw for dinner. I need to drink some water...

Anyways.. I will have something other than this placer up later. Perhaps pics? I will take photos of my meal and what have you.

Sammy


1 like, 1 comment

So I'm learning that not everyone can hear the hum of electricity as a constant background noise? So this is an autism thing? I thought everyone could hear it?????

I guess not. 

 

Also, my boss keeps trying to get me to work today and tomorrow because someone called in and I've had the whole no sleep thing because I live with someone with Covid right now....No. Just no.


0 likes, 3 comments
April 8, 2022
by raen

Chris has covid and somehow I haven't caught it yet. Fingers crossed, folks. I'm off for the next few days regardless, though. I was told I could work and then I went in for half an hour and got the stink eye from several coworkers (despite the fact that I wear a maks religiously), and told they didn't want me there. So I'm home for several days. In the event I catch covid while home, it'll be even longer. We'll see. Somehow I've managed to escape it despite saliva getting mixed up between us. 

 

Sleeping on the couch has sucked, though. Tonight we're swapping the sleeping arrangements. My back has decided it hates the couch now. Sleep has been pretty garbage.


0 likes, 1 comment

I am passionate. I am intense. Anyways. Absolutely anything to do with psychology in this world is infiltrated. The Illuminati owns every University. And for me to say that is really something because I studied it for many years. Writing papers about it getting graded on bullshit. But I'm really glad because now I can see that it is flawed.

It's just like the medical system is all a mouse on wheel type situation because there's never a cure it's always a means to an end of more money made for the system. If we don't know who we are of course we're going to hurt our bodies. And when we find out who we are and stop hurting it that's when they start hurting it. Which leads us to hurt it again, out of desperation and physical sickness. It is a vicious circle. But everybody blames the person who did it instead of the forces behind why they did it.

EVERYONE was taught by this world. even the amish go to doctors or shrinks etc. Everyone claims to believe something that when extreme circumstances happen, they do not follow...That is partially why I hate religon. We are not to judge anyone for anything because we don't understand what's going on in other realms. Everything manifest first in the spiritual and then here. When people make stupid choices I'll just use myself as an example it's because we've been tortured to a point we can't take it anymore at least for those of us who are on The Hit List of the program.

It's called being a starseed but I hate using that word now because the new age people have screwed it up so bad. The point is we're not from here. Example: People cut themselves as teenagers is because they need to breathe I'll just leave it at that. This body is only a vessel remember. I tried to explain before it's like when people cut themselves as teenagers there's a reason for that. And it's not mental illness but they don't understand then they're taught by the world that they need therapy and help.

I am just so fed up and I am talking to myself as well too. This is going in my book. I am so tired of people not having the balls to live what they claim to believe. EVERY BODY LIES. But then...We all try again tomorrow...Unpromised days ahead? I hope so.

SO many people feel they have sealed their fate. I was one of them. But I am gonna rip the canvas off and start again, because NO ONE is going to tell me anymore who I am, why I do what I do, or anything because only God knows my heart and it is NOT true that how a person acts reflects their heart, are you kidding me? The angriest, meanest people are usually those who are and have been hurting the worst! But you people would rather take your Bible and bash us over the head.

I know the word of God better than most, and it was NOT meant to be a weapon against other people. You know why you believe what you do? Because someone told you. EVERY SINGLE BELIEF YOU HOLD IS SOMETHING YOU WERE TOLD. That my friend is called indoctrination. That my friend is called programming. That my friend is called BRAINWASHING.

I am not saying ALL you were told is a lie, but ask God to strip you of everything you have ever believed, and ONLY TAKE THE TRUTH FROM HIS VOICE. No books. No pastors. No nothing. For even a week for crying out loud. Go out in nature. Talk to God. You might soon find that you will be talking WITH Him instead. THE ANSWERS WE SEEK ARE WITHIN. It could not be more simple. Yet it took me all my life to get what it really means. Silly rabbit I am. Love you all.


0 likes, 0 comments
Thanks everyone
by valencia
I just want to get on here real quick and say thank you everyone, things are getting better. I am settled in the new place, we still need to bring boxes to the place but we will do that once Ryan comes back. He will be back Saturday and I miss him like crazy. We ended up paying the deposit and waiting for my old job to send me my check they had mailed to my old address. Today I stayed home from work because they had my cubicle upstairs and they didn't realize I was disabled so they are moving my stuff downstairs. They hired me virtually and I never disclose my disability because honestly I have gotten discriminated against it. Anyways that is another story. So me and Lucky are just cuddling. I am opening a checking account at a local credit union since I have an address now. So excited! Going to change my address online, and close my virtual mailbox, and then call my insurance and change the address for that. I might as well use the day to be productive. Also my dad is sending me 50 bucks rn so I can have enough gas for the week to go to work, and I need to go buy a few groceries. I figured I will go to Trader Joe's to buy some bread, eggs and avocado, maybe make some tacos tonight. Since hamburger meat is super cheap.

I just miss my boyfriend so much and I can't wait until Saturday.
It seems things are getting better. Cali is super expensive but our rent is super cheap and I am making more money 3 bucks more than my previous job so I know we will be able to save but it is just getting started is the hardest part and I feel like we can never catch a break. Our relationship gets stronger but the outside circumstances just keeps getting piled on and the sucky part is it all involves money. I hate it.

In short I owe my roommate our rent and Lucky deposit. Lucky deposit is 300 and our rent is 1035.00. I need that check from my previous job because then we don't owe to much after that. I would only owe like 300 which is great. I hate hate owing people money like it fucking annoys me to no end. I am super grateful that he was able to help us out of course but I never want to be in this situation ever again. I want to pay off shit, and save money. Ryan also gets paid next week so I am grateful for that. And he has a 2nd job. So I know by next week everything will be paid off to the roomie. Then after that we can start paying bills off. Whew!

Anyways ttul! Thanks everyone for the encouraging comments.

Valencia
0 likes, 0 comments
I don't even know where to start but honestly I hate California. We been here 90 days and been homeless for 90 days. His mom never let us stay at her house because of my dog Lucky so we been sleeping in motels and in the car. It has been a disaster. I don't think I have hated a person as much as I have.

We finally got approved for a house with roommates of course, I got fired from the job I got arriving here because I missed so many days and didn't have stable housing. I quickly got another job with a 3 dollar raise and I start Monday. And then to top it all off, this morning when I was supposed to pay the deposit my old job had no deposited my paycheck. They sent it via mail to my old address. An address that no longer is valid. So fml! We had most of the deposit and the landlord was like if you can get the deposit you can move in. We are still about 150 short but we been getting donations in. But still it is such a hassle. I hate hate having to ask for mutual aid when I know most.people are suffering. It is not fair to ask for it but I was out of options. Ryan got a loan for 250 but they will not deposit it into his account until Monday. His mom refuses to help us at all. She let me stay here in this week only because she is out of town but Lucky had to go to the baby sitters. Luckily she covered it because we can't afford any of this stuff. The motel for the week is like 700 so we door dashed to be able to have a place over our head. We don't qualify for any help because we make to much money.it is all bullshit. Texas being a republican state helps there citizens more than here in Cali. It is so bizzare to me.

On top of all this bullshit his mom scheduled a vacy back in January for her and Ryan and so Ryan is away until next Friday. Livid is an understatement.but he has issues saying no to her. And she is really horrible to Ryan when Ryan stands up for himself. So this really affecting our relationship. She is very codependent on him it is super bizarre. I don't care to not be included in this vacation because I can take myself anywhere once I am settled and caught up on payments. But what gets me about all this bullshit is she has the audacity to schedule a vacation when she knows damn well the time Ryan is away is time away from his Job and we depend a lot on his tips for food and gas etc. And not having his tips is hurting us. Like he works weekends and this weekend he is away so he loses time on the clock and on the tips. No fucking respect for your son and his job. Just because he is a busser does not mean his job is not important. She is such a fucking typical boomer. Like she told me that she worked her whole life to pay off her house and she thinks it is a badge of honor to work like a dog and I am thinking in my head you are idiot. When you retire in 4 years lady they will replace you instantly. I can't stand boot licker. Anyways I am just so frustrated. And I don't think I will ever like her. Because the way she treats us. The other day Ryan asked her if she would buy us breakfast and she refused. She did let us eat some left over pancake that she had like we are some we are less than. She doesn't like me. I have never been around a person that fights over food or is like. I have grown so much Ryan has also and our relationship has gotten stronger but since we signed the contract for a year we are going to see how it goes but I am leaning towards moving back to Texas next year. Ryan already said he will go back with me.

We will see
Anyways peace I know it is all jumbled but I really needed to vent.
0 likes, 0 comments
weekend
by toddheimbecker

havw  a nice weekend all


1 like, 0 comments
Where to?
by X Marks The Spot

There is a lot of craziness in the world. I sometimes think sanity did not survive the Coronavirus lock down. Half way around the world we seem to be on the brink of World War 3 because of one deranged man. I hope there is a future left my daughter. Well, I'll stick around as long as possible I guess....


1 like, 1 comment

I've been thinking about death a lot lately and I want to make a YouTube video about it. So I though I'd write my rough script here in case anyone wants to read it.

When I was 7, my dad passed away from a heart attack. When I was 32, my mum passed away from cancer. Even though I'm 36 now, I still feel like a boy in an adult's body, so I guess I feel like an orphan. On top of all of that, around Christmas in 2021, my adopted kids biological mother and grandmother both passed away unexpectedly. To say I've been thinking about death a lot lately would be an understatement. The way TV shows portray dealing with death is so inaccurate and so I wanted to share my experience.

As I said, I was 7 when my dad died. The strangest thing about that is that the most vivid memory I have of my dad was him actually exiting my life. I was playing in the back yard with my cousins and we were digging a hole in an attempt to dig to the other side of the world. When I walked in, he was dead in his armchair. We were young and naive. But my naivety extended way past the back yard. I remember at the funeral my sister was crying while holding me and I truly can't say that I fully understood the implications of what had happened. My dad was somewhat a part of my life, but he worked a lot and spent a lot of time at pubs. My mum took care of me for the most part and she still existed at this point.

From my seven year old perspective, nothing really changed. My mum continued to take care of me, and my auntie Gina started to help by babysitting while my mum was at work. Though it is sad to say, in many ways my mum was probably better off without my dad. In other ways, not so much. It might well be my mum's effort that made life seem like it hadn't changed. I wonder how hard she had to work to compensate.

But even with things seemingly being no different, things were actually very different. At that point my entire life changed. My father figure (regardless of whether it was a good or bad one) was gone. My mum lost her partner. I don't know if they would have stayed together anyway, but death probably robbed her of that closure. There would be nights where I'd ball my eyes out and tell myself how much I missed my dad. And yet, strange as it was, I couldn't even remember my dad.

And I often wonder about this for others that lost a parent at a young age. For me, it's like my memory is segmented. I can remember pretty much nothing from before the age of 7. It's like life started then and no earlier. I'll remember little things like my mum and dad argued, which is an unfortunate memory. But then there'll be one of those memories like my dad wearing aftershave because he was going on a date with my mum. Those memories are the kind that are so bittersweet. I savor them for as long as I can before they ultimately sink into me leaving me feeling empty with intense despair.

All I really have to go by with my dad is the memories of others. And I relish in those memories. I have laughed and cried hearing what others had to say about him.

I think the strangest thing to come from all of this is my understanding of pride. When people have told me that they're proud of me or that they're proud of something I've accomplished, it has always seemed so alien to me. Like what kind of words are those? Why are you proud of what I have done? That's my work - not yours. And then one day I ended up at a psychic. Long story, but it wasn't for me and I wouldn't go again. But in the middle of this session the psychic turned to me and told me my dad was in the room. He told me that my dad died and that he had two heart attacks. This was accurate. And then he told me that my dad wanted me to know that he was proud of me. And I broke down. I don't think I had ever heard those words from my dad or my mum. It cut right through any hard exterior shell that I had.

I have realized since then that my children need to know that I am proud of them. That I need to recognize the challenges that they overcome. And when I tell them that I'm proud of something they've accomplished that I know they've been struggling with, I can see how deeply those words sink in for them.

And so fast forward to 2017 when my mum passed away. She was 64 years old and I was 32. I'll always remember because 64 is 2 times 32. She had cancer and it spread. Some people say the doctors should have done more, some people say she became complacent. I don't really care, I just know that I lost my mum, and it was somewhat unexpected and a bit on the rapid side.

But even then, my mum had been diagnosed with cancer years before that and the treatment had been going well. But when she was first diagnosed, I accepted then that there is probably limited time for my mum.

Unfortunately, the last time I saw her was in 2008. I kept telling myself I should fly back to England to visit her and we were trying to fly her to the US to visit us. But then it all went south.

My sister messaged me to tell me what was going on. She was taking care of mum at her house. It was just the six of us at this point. We rushed to get our passports and book tickets. It was so expensive. And then one morning my wife poked her head in the door and told me I needed to check my phone. My sister had messaged me and my mum had passed away. I just put my phone back door and laid on my bed. Later that day I went outside and cut the grass and I don't really know why but it seemed important to mention.

I didn't know how to feel. I'd like to say I felt numb but I'm not sure I even felt that. I couldn't work out what was going on inside my head. My mum had died but I didn't cry for a good few days. And I think this is because my mum wasn't really an immediate part of my life anymore nor would she have been any time in the future. I was disappointed that I hadn't got to see her and that she hadn't got to meet her grandchildren, but I think I had already accepted the fact that she would eventually leave us.

For the prior years I had tried to call her every now and then. We'd talk on the phone and catch up. I had Skype set up so I could call her land line. She'd always pick up and call me Steven which I allowed because she was my mum. I cherish the phone calls that we had. And every time Skype loads I see her number on there and I just feel deep disappointment again.

That was a rough year. I feel like it affected my siblings more so than it did me. However, I think that's probably because they saw her more. I've thought about it so much and realize that I should have just bitten the bullet and gone over there to surprise her. But, you can't change the past.

Now I'm 36 and time just keeps ticking. Next year I'm going to be 58. Just kidding.

When the adopted kids mother and grandmother both passed away in late 2021, it really dug up some feelings for me. I watched as they struggled to comprehend everything. And it made me realize that everything that everyone tells you about dealing with death is bullshit.

The whole "five stages of grief" thing is unhelpful. No one tells you that it's five stages of grief that can occur in any order and repetitively.

For these kids, they had plans of one day reuniting with their biological mother. Those plans were ripped out from beneath them. On one hand they felt happy because we went to the funeral and they got to see many family members they hadn't seen for a while, on the other hand they felt deep sadness at the loss they were experiencing. It was hard for them to understand that we were celebrating their mother and grandmother. And the questions they had about the funeral were probably some of the hardest I've ever tried to understand or answer myself.

And all of this to say, there is no right way to feel. When someone you love passes away there are so many feelings you can feel. Yes you are going to feel sad. But also, if you were taking care of them and that was a lot of work, then you might feel some level of relief. And because you feel relief, you will feel guilty because you're not allowed to feel relief because you're supposed to be sad. And now you feel frustrated and overwhelmed.

Death is just a spaghetti meal of emotions.

And it's also very lonely. I didn't feel like I had anyone I could talk to when my mum died. I didn't feel like anyone understood how I felt.

Over the past year of really evolving as a parent I have realized one thing. There's a whole side to my mum that I never got to know. As children we look at our parents and think their existance began when we were born. That nothing occurred before that time. As parents, we realize our parents have lived two lives and now they're living their third. I wish that I could sit down and talk to my mum now that I'm who I am today and see what kind of relationship we would have. Unfortunately, I'll never get that chance.

And while my mum never got to meet her first four grandchildren, she did leave an imprint in their hearts. Every year she'd send them a birthday card and would go to the post office to get a fresh $20 US bill to put inside the card. I still have the last birthday card she sent me and I cherish it.

She really knew how to show someone she loved them. I hope that I can love like she did.

That's all I have.


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power outage
by toddheimbecker

last night we had  a power outage from  200m to 400am  


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Well, Im gonna say it again, like a broken record, just like I always do, I should write in here more and really get this crap off my chest cause a good friend to vent to is hard to come by these days. The weather has finally started getting a little better and Ive been able to get out and take some quick 2 mile walks/hikes after work and that does wonders to clear my head space and releive the stress of daily life. Thats part of the reason I moved half way across the country last year, to get to a more outdoorsy place where I could get lost in the mountains, woods or on a city street and just be with my thoughts. Is great to put my ear buds in, crank some tunes and spend an hour getting lost somewhere.


Anyway, lets jump into the story and continue this journey. So....This girl and I have a mutual friend who is also a guy and for awhile I could tell that she was starting to kinda have a thing for him. I joked around with her about it and she would get mad when I brought it up cause she swore up and down that he was never her type and she would never date him. Anyway, this guy ends up moving away but comes back every few weeks to visit his mom and check in on things. Well, when he left I could see it on her face how devastated she was and she never wanted to talk about it so I just let it be. She could deny it all she wanted, she liked him, I knew she did and I knew she was gonna be busted up when he left. Well, this guy tried to take her out, tried to get her to go on a so called date or whatever and she continuously shut him down.


Anyway, he came back into town and I hadnt seen him for a couple months so he sets up a night to go out while he is back. Well, we all go out to dance and granted I dont dance but Id like to learn. So we all meet up and its really awkward cause well, its just him, the girl and myself....So, 2 guys with one girl at a bar and we are taking turns dancing. Well, of course he can dance like a champ and so can she so they dance the night away and I sit at the bar miserable. Finally she asks me to dance and Im just learning but have zero patience with myself so I get down on myself and get upset. She was a good sport, shes tried several times to help me learn and I just lack the self confidence to do it. As the night went on they danced more and more and I was left to watch the jackets and purse type of job and I just felt like a piece of shit. I almost got up and left. Granted I also had a few drinks in me which fueled my anger. I wasnt mad at either of them, their good friends, I was just mad that I couldnt have her and she didnt want me.


I could see it in her eyes when they danced the night away that she was choosing him over me and that I wasnt approachable anymore. Yes, I knew deep down that we would never be but naturally, I couldnt bring myself to accept the rejection. I felt like thte biggest loser, sitting there at the bar. The look on my face was so bad that even the bartender came up to me and asked me if I was okay.? I wasnt, I was never going to be. I had this crazzzzzy crush on a girl who was almost half my age and I couldnt let it go, it was eating me alive. How could we be so similar, share all the same likes in life and yet be so far apart?? Right girl, wrong time...


I told her to dance with him the rest of the night, I had some drinks, I was upset, I could see it in her eyes that she wasnt interested in me and why would she be, I already knew it. But I hold out so much hope that things will work out that it just kills me. I keep hanging on and hanging on to nothing and then I run. And right now I feel like I want to run, I want to run away, I want to run to another place where I will never see her or think about her, but I cant. I keep telling myself, youll move on, things will be fine. She will find someone, settle down, marry and have a family. By that time I'll be......well, I dont know.....maybe I'll meet someone, maybe I wont. But I need to let go and I fuckin cant...


I cannot let go of this girl, I cannot let go of the thought of her. Being friends with her is shear pain, cause sometimes the friendship becomes the 'i need you in my life' without even saying a word. But I cant let go and Ive tried everything. After that night, things were really different and I couldnt understand it. It was only a couple weeks later that a friend of hers finally told me what was going on. I didnt know why I was getting the cold shoulder?? Apparently the night out dancing was too much and she wanted to cut ties but didnt have the courage to tell me thats what she wanted, not just with me, but with our mutual friend as well.....


..to be continued..


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what i did om march 16
by toddheimbecker

ps what I did on march 16   

Up at 8 30 am .8 30 am t PS. 8 48 am to 9 21 am. iTunes. 9 .28am to 10 22 am online. 10 22 am to 10 43 am stuff in the room.10 43 am to 12 14 pm to king’s way food bank you can go once a week to get food, but you get a lot of food. See the photo at the bottom. Of this post 12 14 pm to 12 51 pm stuff away .12 51 pm to 1 07 pm on line.107 pm to 3.00 pm some TV. 2 00 pm to 300 pm watching General Hospital. 3.00 pm to 3.40 pm taken a shower. PS for the launch had chicken and white rice the stuff from king’s way food bank.3.40 pm to 4 00 pm stuff inapt. 400pm to 5. 23 pm .5get chines food.5 23 pm to 6 .29 pm having my Chinese. Food.PS 6.00PM online 11 .20 pm online.11.20 pm to 11.32 pm ready to go to bed. did some reading be for going to bed. ps food  from the   food back 

 


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Forum Thread: Hello all...
Forum: General Discussion
I take ten times better pictures with my phone than I did when we had that fancy camera my MIL bought us 16 years ago.
Making a change
by Zombie Mark
My days away from work

It’s been quite a while since I have written here… as always. I feel that every single entry that I write starts with “oh my gosh it’s been so long since I have written in the diary! Oh my gosh!”, I really should get better at it, heh.

I have been trying to make a conscious effort of doing things on my days off from work. Beforehand I would just sit at my desk, watch YouTube n TV shows, chat online in Discord, play games, all for endless hours. I would do this day in day out whenever I wasn’t at work and when I wasn’t round Mums giving her a helping hand with this that n the other.

I’m not sure what made me start, but the last few weeks I have been trying to make sure that I have plans every time that I am off, if I am off for more than one day in a row I allow myself a “be lazy at home day” but that’s only if there are consecutive days off together. It doesn’t matter what it is, it doesn’t have to be something elaborate. Some of the things that I have been doing more is visiting friends (I have friends in Norwich which isn’t far in the car, a few friends locally). Sometimes it’s just meeting up with Kieran and having lunch or something. We normally go out with the drones or the cameras, but over the winter its been more of hanging out at his flat or going out for some grub. But it’s something! Just getting out of these four walls basically!

Recently Kieran has got together with Danni. I kind of pushed them together a little - I’m good at that! Adam & Lucy, now Kieran and Danni… Just need to work on getting my own life sorted with a lady friend again now. I miss it. A lot. Not just the sex, not even anything physical really. It’s just that one person that you can always count on to do things with. If I fancy going to watch a movie, who with? Ya know? There’s that one person that you have by your side, that one person that you can count on, that one person that you can always text, that one person that’s always happy to receive a random visit or a random phone call. It’s that - that I miss the most.

Usually when we go out for lunch (or Crunch - I’ll save the reasoning behind that one for another entry) it’s Me, Kieran, Danni and W. W is someone that I’ve always got on with (work friend) but not someone that I have spent a lot of time outside of the work restraint (if any, really. Work nights out we usually tag along together, but that’s about it). She sent me a text a few weeks ago asking if I fancied hanging out outside of work, thus why we added her to the hang out with Kieran etc. It’s weird. Never seen her as a….. possible suiter, which I still don’t. But I feel like maybe she does? I don’t know. Who knows anymore. Either way, I am enjoying her company.

Over n out.
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Hockey game
by toddheimbecker
HELLO Sunday at Tim Horton's field TODAY 

 

This is happening today it's at Tim Hortens footfall field Trafford into a tepary ice rick
PC I can see the stadium from my apt

at Tim Horten’s field tonight the game is on Sunday at Tim Hortons field
2022 Heritage Classic Live Practice Skates | Toronto Maple Leafs
2022 Tim Hortons NHL Heritage Classic In Hamilton On March 13, 2022! See The Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Buffalo Sabres In The Tim Hortons NHL Heritage Classic!
Subscribe to our channel for the latest hockey action by clicking the big, red shiny SUBSCRIBE button.
Watch live hockey wherever you are: https://www.nhl.com/subscribe
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Good enough?
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

I came home at the tail end of 2017, out of desperation, and have ever since been a burden to my family. They have to feed me. and deal with the sickness that has taken over my life. How much of it is my fault? How much of it is the targeters faults? How much of it is the spirituals fault? These deep heart wrenching emotions pour out of me like water, because I haev never known anything else. I dont know what its like to be hard hearted. To see someone suffering and feel nothing. I have not any experience with that see. And thing is........Noone on here knows who I really am. What I have really done, and who I have reallly turned into as a result of pretending all these years? This program had ripe territory in me, let me tell you. I want to tell you who I am, but it requires becoming a monster in your eyes and I DONT know how to deal with this. 


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Svetlana
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

Honey nevermind about the phone number. Svetty? Ever since the moment I met you, you have been in my blood. Even before you sunk your teeth into my flesh, and drank from my depths, or before we kissed and the ocean could not hold the passion we created, the frequencies must have rocked the world. The fights we had in person even, were richochets, into the atmosphere. Not towards each other. Not really. I have only ever had love for you, because I knew you before we came here. Forever as one. YOU ARE IN MY BLOOD AND I IN YOURS. Literally. FOREVER. If I could still breathe? Id ask you to look at me with mercy and grace and realize that I was young and stupid and I loved you so fucking much for so many years. I would have died for you and almost did as did you. Now I have come into 7 millino dollars because of something that happened to me because of university of michigan and the only thing I can think of is seeing you again. You probably have a life, and a job, and career, and a girlfriend/boyfriend husband..........But I just want yuou to remember.....I never was ready to let you go and when Pattie came back I fucked up because you were the one who was always in my soul. But you werent there. Svetty, I am about to make a mistake that I cant come back from. I want my son and parents and you to know. I WAS BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR and there was nothing you could have done. YOU LOVED ME. THAT MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME. I AM NOT KILLING MYSELF. But someone else might beat me to it. I love you so much always have always will. Period. There I hvae humiliated myself but I dont care. If I could? I would embrace you.....I wont most likely come back to FB after this. I love you....<3


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new
by toddheimbecker

HI    This is my first post be  back late r going  to have  supper 


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Lisa and Layla
by So says Sambuca

Layla is Lisa's eight month old teacup poodle. Lisa is our new weekend staff. She will relieve Mom every other weekend. Both are amazing!! :D

This is ridiculous. Pierre is Justin's dad not Castro. Where people get these ideas is beyond me.

We are having basa filets and rice pilaf for supper.

Sammy


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Warning! If you don't like cussing, leave.

Deb has 7 fucking coffees in the fridge and she ordered 3 more and 3 more on top of that bc she said to me, "Oh! Cream and sugar will muddle it up." So, I ordered the first 3 black. :( That fucking bitch is addicted to coffee. :(

We are not to go back to Wimpy's as the stupid waitress didn't wear a mask. We should have just left. :(

Why do I even try?

Sammy


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Hello! :)
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To all Americans:

Here it is: November is upon us. How did it come so fast? I always feel the year has been shockingly fast every time this month comes around. For instance, the end of this month marks 1 year of living in our “forever home”. I just can’t believe it!

I have a question for all/:

What are you most thankful for? Are there any Thanksgiving memories? Traditions?

For instance, in my family someone always makes “tortilla treats” that is always part of Thanksgiving meal. We make them for Christmas and New Years, too. Only this time of year for some reason!

-Jamie. ❤️
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NOJOMO Day 1 prompt is posted! Remember that you have the end of the day tomorrow, November 1, to sign up if you want to be eligible for a prize!
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LOL I like it!
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Did it fall off on account of flat earth? Asking for a friend.....
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Thank you for "exterminating" the issue ;)
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Use the suggestion forums to keep the site suggestions rolling! We will be looking often!
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