Well, the shittiest thing that could happen happened. My mother has passed away. I'm on to whatever stage anger is. I'm angry that she is dead. I'm angry that she left me here in a pit of sharks to fend for myself. I have had 2 mental breakdowns in the span of 4 days. Not because she has since moved on, but because my sister and "father" are complete sad sacks of shit. I've been through a range of "im going to go get my urns and not go to her funeral", i've been going through the "im changing my number and never giving it to anyone ever again". When my mother got sick, my family unit died. She was the she was the tape.....the wrapping paper.....and the old recycled amazon box that kept this christmas present together. Without her, we are 4 grown ass adults (i'm including my nephew in here) that dont particularly like each other ..... I cant stand my sister and "father" for the lack of compassion and care for other people. I'm a push over, they both know if they beat me down enough i'll just roll over.

My brain is soup. I have to deal with her IRA benefits, the woman whom i talked to, sweet lady i remember 0 of what she said....... I had a long talk with moms bank guy, except for what i wrote down, i remember nothing of that conversation.

Also, we put in on a house to move....and it turned out that they are a shit realty place.....so we got our money back, looking at another house tomorrow. 

Have a good day, night, whatever time you see this....

-wasp

 

.........

1. Write 10 positive affirmations about yourself and then speak them out loud to me. 

2. I choose nail polish or clothing/underwear/hair. 

• Master chooses: “Wear a dress tonight.”
• Controlled choice: “Choose three dresses; I'll pick one.”
• Guidance: “Wear something that makes you feel beautiful.”
• Complete autonomy: “Your clothes are entirely your choice.”

And you and Sky can decide which areas belong in which category.

3. COLOR of clothing by day!

4. Kneel for three minutes in private and reflect on what you can do for her today. Report back.

5. Treat yourself like a game designer. A Mistress who thinks of herself as designing an experience will do better than one who just hands out chores. Good game designers iterate constantly. They watch what’s working, tune what isn’t, and aren’t afraid to throw out a task that turned out to be a dud. Apply that same mindset to your dynamic.

What makes you feel most like my fox?”
“What kind of rules feel exciting rather than stressful?”
“What kind of praise really gets to you?”
“What should Master never do?”
“What do you want more of?”

 

 

A good task system should give her a sense of purpose and accomplishment, not just make her dread receiving instructions. 

“Tasks are often aligned with the type of submission that a sub is practicing.”

This is saying that tasks should actually fit the relationship.

If Sky's submission is heavily based around service, tasks might involve acts of service.

If her submission is more about ritual and protocol, tasks might involve rituals.

If she's your little fox, tasks might incorporate your particular fox/Master language and routines.

So you shouldn't just grab random rules from a BDSM website and pile them onto Sky.

The tasks should mean something to the two of you.

 

1. Write me 3 things you are grateful for.

2. Read things and discuss it with Master.

3. Punishment: Listen to something you dont like then tell me about it. 

4. WRITE ABOUT OUR EXPERIENCE AT THE HOTEL

5. Write me a letter every day that is loving to me. Dont fake emotions you arent feeling. Tell me about your day: 

• What You accomplished
• What was difficult
• How you are feeling
• Something you enjoyed
• Something you need help with
• Something you are proud of. 
• I wanna know what is happening with my Fox, not just that you are obeying me. 

6. Write me something telling me what being my Fox means to you. 

7. I want you to grow as a person too. If you are still interested in drawing, then I want you to draw me something. 

8. We will read the same book, and talk about each chapter together and talk about it. 

9. Tell Master three things about your day.

10. Write about something that made you proud today.

11. Spend 30 minutes drawing, or doing a meditation, the choice is yours. 

12. Write down something you appreciate about us.

13. 

Little Fox's Rules 1. Must be up by 9:30

2. Must send a text saying good morning Master and send a selfie

3. Must ask permission for purchases above $20

4. Must ask permission for self pleasure 5. Must only eat between 12-6, must have water each day

6. Must always respect when Master is busy with responsibilities

7. Must say goodnight Master before bed

Today is a "dont stop until all the shit is done" kind of a day. I got all moms bills paid, i even paid off her cellphone, and am making moves to pay off my nephews phone that is on her account as well. I am trying to scrimp and save everywhere i can.  By next month her credit card will be paid off and gone, i'm attempting to fix her car insurance as she doesnt need the astronomical amount she has, as she isnt driving her car and i only drive it to my back yard to park once a month. The creature who shall not be named got his 1600 SS check yesterday, and has already spent 500 of it. Hes not a me problem anymore, i paid the cable bill, and he can deal with his other child now.  I emailed the financial advisor, I dealt with my landlord, I put in an application for another place to live (dont EVEN get me started about that process)....   Hospice says mom is in her active dying stage. They asked my sister if there was anyone she was holding on to say bye to..... i said "death doesnt work like that". Am I the only one who 1. thinks hospice/old age homes are just con shows and 2. find no comfort in these people being around?  My sister swears by the chaplin (no pun intended) says she doesnt preach the bible and is really nice.... that i should talk to her. Lets see, a religious person, whos paid to make the end of days easier on the family? no thanks.... i'm fine on my own. i dont need to talk to anyone else. I might seek out a support group when all is said and done, but i just think the whol hospice ordeal is a con game. "shes in her end of days......".... they tell us this every week. She was awake, asking for food and refusing pain meds when i last saw her. End of days? 2 weeks ago she was drooling on herself and speaking incoherently. I'd say the way she was monday was an imporvement. Hanging on for someone? my mother is a tough old bird who will only leave this mortal coil when she is good and god damn ready. I know there is a little lady in there, grandpa joeing her way around..... i try and be nice to hospice, the nurses, because they take care of her when i cant, but i just think its a way to get more money.    oh well, i am off to do something? I hope the day finds you well.    xWasp

One day, I hope you stand in front of a mirror and face the truth of what you did to me was not just wrong.. it was cruel.. it was heartless.. it was pure evil. You were never honest with me, so at least be honest with yourself. Deep down, you know how badly you hurt me. I hope that in the middle of your busy life, when everything feels fine, you pause for a moment and when you close your eyes, I hope you remember everything... the lies, the betrayal, talking to me like you hate me, all the fights you started over nothing, how you made me feel small while I loved you with all I had, forcing me to go through pregnancy with our son alone, making me go to all his appointments alone, but worst of all making me bury our baby boy all alone. I hope my love stays with you like a quiet weight. Not loud enough to ruin you, but heavy enough to never escape it. And one day, in a quiet moment I hope you feel even a small part of the emptiness you left in me when you let me go like I meant nothing to you

We are trying super hard to get into this house we looked at the other day. We love it so so much. Getting out of this hellscape will be the best thing for us i believe. We've lived here for 4 years now and so far every year, theres been a shooting pretty damn close to our house. Last halloween there was even a cop that showed up on my doorstep wanting to know if we got any camera footage (we didnt) of the guy running away. It was insane. There were 2 kids (that i know of) that have gotten killed on their way home from the highschool down the street (the one middle kid used to go to)..... theres gangs and drugs, and i'm pretty sure the guy who parked in my parking spot yesterday was here to buy or sell drugs to my neighbor. We live in a row of houses where the neighbor we are attached to, the neighbor across the alley from them, the neighbors attatched to them and the ones across the alley from us are all related somehow, plus the ones that live a couple houses down in the back. We feel very out of place here, and this was never supposed to be a permanent thing... but 4 years later, here we are.  Found an amazing house, for less money with more stuff (attic, hoses, a back and a front porch, a garage, a place for me to have a garden...... our neighbor even has a pear tree (which maybe when i get my garden going i can trade for some pears), fingers crossed for this.    My sister is a twat waffle..... she keeps insisting i prepay for funerals, which i cant because the money isnt there, and also i know for a fact that funeral homes do payment plans. She tells me that i just need to cut a check now, but when i got on their website it says i can pay it overtime, its not like shes fucking dead right now....... ALSO shes planning a trip up next week to see mom...... i havent seen her in a month and i'd like to keep it that way.    The "father" who shall not be named, burned through 1500 in a week.... A WEEK. and my sister has weasled me into continuing to pay for the electric and the water, i just want this nightmare over with.    She swears that mom left money aside for the man who shall not be named. she SWEARS.... because she'd never leave him like that, with nothing. Yes, yes she would. Hes manipulative and a horrible narcissitic toxic piece of crap.... she absolutely would.    Also, myself and moms hospice lady friend got down to the root of the problem yesterday. She doesnt so much mind TALKING to her husband.... she minds when hes there and touching on her and all of his i love yous and crap. They have been married 51 years this year, and in all of my 40 on this planet, i've never EVER seen them be loving towards each other. No kisses, no hugs, no cuddling, no hand holding, not even spending time in the same dang room. As far as i can remember he would come home from work, sit down and watch my sister and i clean, get dinner from mom when she came home and cooked it and then went upstairs to play video games. She would go upstairs after a few hours of us, or taking care of my nephew, or whatever, but she hadnt even slept in the same room as him for at least the last 15 years. So why are you starting with this i need to touch you and i need to love you bullshit..... no, just no. Shes not dumb, she can spot bullshit a mile away. You want her money and thats it. You dont get to pretend to love her when shes on her way out, thats for chumps and assholes.    Today, i am trying to get ahold of Crazy Joe and get her money moved so i can pay her living bill, and toy with the idea of calling the funeral home, because i feel like i'm being lied to..... she usually does anyway.    Have a wonderful day everyone. 

Last thing you said to someone: "Thats a lot of money....."
Last thing someone said to you: "Bring up the big black bin of legos, and done"
Last movie you watched: Ready or Not 2, i rather enjoyed it. 
Last show you watched: We started American Horror Story: Murder House last night
Last book you read: Catching Fire. Reading as a family as my husband has seen the movies but never read the books.
Last thing you ate: Waffles and sausage this morning for breakfast
Last thing you drank: Currently drinking a raspberry tea snapple
Last time you brushed your hair: a few days ago
Last time you changed your clothes: this morning so i could run errands
Last time you laughed: Last night.... the husband gave my sister a new nick name O'babs McJerky
Last time you slept:last night, from about 2 am until about 630 when my bladder woke me
Last call you made: Mom yesterday, she never answers though
Last call you received:  Husband yesterday. He forgot some work stuff at home and asked if i could bring it to him
Last email you sent: Yesterday to the home my mother lives in. 
Last email you received: The guy who runs the home getting back to me about papers i need them to sign.
Last game you played: We played Bread and Fred monday until frustration took over 
Last time you went outside: About an hour ago to take moms rent check to the post office
Last time you looked in the mirror: This morning, usually every morning
Last time you did laundry: A week ago ish
Last time you wrote something down on paper: i filled out my moms rent check, does that count?
Last time you used Chapstick: middle school?
Last thing you wrote online, not counting this survey: i commented on a group post i'm in about this lady not getting along well with her sister that i also dont get along well with mine.
Last thing you thought about before bed last night: what can i find on tik tok to watch?
Last person you missed: My nephew. Its been about a month since i've seen him and it will be another 2 before i see him again
Last song you listened to: Twisting the Knife - Ice Nine Kills and McKenna Grace
Last time you cried: Yesterday, when i realized the illness that has been bringing me down for 3 months is the stress my sister puts on me.... no wonder mom had a stroke.
Last sporting event you watched: i was watching a soccer match on the tv when i went to see nephews band a month ago.... so then?
Last time you had fast food: does 7-11 count? i had a hot dog on sunday, if not then i had a slush from sonic on sunday
Last song you sang to: Twisting the Knife - ice nine kills and mckenna grace
Last dream you had: last week..... i dont remember much of it now except mom got her hands cut off for some reason?
Last medication you took: aleve?..... maybe?.... like a year ago?
Last thing you bought: Drinks for everyone from sonic on our way home on sunday

CURRENTS

Sounds: Cars driving by outside, me typing on the keyboard and the AC running behind me
Drink: Snapple
Food: None right now
Clothes: Jean shorts and strapless flower shirt
Mood: stressed, angry
Wonder: if this will be the start of my villain origin story
Wallpaper: some weird bird thing? its moms computer.
Windows open: Bloop on the computer, facebook messenger on my phone
Annoyance: My sister.... always
What time is it? 11:12 am

WHAT WERE YOU DOING THIS TIME...

1 hour ago: sitting in the parking lot of the post office, looking for a specific conversation with my sister
2 hours ago: driving to said post office to pay moms rent
12 hours ago: getting ready to watch tv with the husband
Yesterday: driving to take my husband things he needed for work
Last week: i was packing up my bag to go on vacation. Vacation was had....it was glorious.

Cliff notes from the cell kinda day:

More family came to see mom over the weekend.  She thinks she's a burden and thanks to her husband just keeps on insisting on going home.  

They started her on oxycodone, for her pain.  To me that's like just making her comfy so she can die.  She's sleepy all the time because of it,  she's miserable and if thats how it's going just fucking end it.  I dont want her in pain anymore.  I miss my mom more with each passing day.  I just want to talk to her, the old her,  how she used to be.  

That's enough mope,  find your joy people. 

- Wasp

its been a little while. so heres a rundown,  i got my mothers car from" my dad", to which he threatened to call the cops on me, told me he wasnt my dad (like, biologically) and i got cut from the family...... oh darn. Mom is being cut from medicare on friday, and shes going to have to start paying out of pocket. 13k a month. Thank the gods for retirement, yeah? So her retirement will last about 2 years to which we are screwed, unless assclown (we like to call him Lloyd.... and if you dont know that scene from lego ninjago, look it up) dies first, then she makes low enough to qualify.  I am in charge of all of her money, and people are getting cut off come august. i'm lowering everything and paying everything off, so i can try and squeeze as much out of her retirement as possible. My sister is a pain, and everyone is just continously angry at me because i have to do things to make her stay afloat. On the bright side, we are going to virginia on saturday to see my nephews band play. I'm so super excited, ive never seen him play, only in videos.    this summer is just flinging by, and i just want to huddle away and pretend i dont exist.    Hope everyone is having a wonderful day, Wasp

Its been a few weeks. Trying to get this kid graduated and everything and my life has been hectic to say the least. I dont think i've picked up this computer in like 3 weeks, except to pay bills?.... who knows SO... the car. My mother was in an auto accident about 3 years ago, totaled her car. Saved the payout and bought a new one, out right, no car payment. So when she had her stroke my sister and i took over different power of attorneys for her, my sister is medical and i am financial. I pay her bills, i talk to her financial advisor, i own her property. My father has a gambling addiction to Pablo Escobar proportions and is not trusted with her money.... and honestly my sister is just a theif and i wouldnt trust her either. So i've been worried for a little while that while illegal, if my father needed money, he would sell her car. Her car, that is in HER name and she pays the insurance. So after talking to an agining attorney and local law inforcement it was confirmed that i was allowed to take possesion of her car. NOW..... my plan is to park it at my house, keep it maintained and if she goes home to drive, give it back. If not, sell it and use the money from it to keep her in the nursing home. That has been my plan since she went in the damn place. I brought this up to my sister, told her i just needed to find the title, and call it a day. Told her i planned to park it here and the only time i'll move it is to get it inspected and to the new house when we move in a few months. The words "I'm taking the car" were no sooner out of my mouth then she yelled I'LL TAKE IT!..... no, no you will not. She told me that she wanted it so she could get rid of her car and she wouldnt have a car payment anymore, and it just makes sense. So i asked why i wasnt allowed to keep it and get rid of MY car payment?..... yeah, yeah thats what i thought.   We had a talk about finances, actually it was more like i checked my mothers bank account after my sister had "come for a visit" and come to find out that 650 was missing..... BRUH, i told you if you were going to take money you needed to clear it with ME. "well she was very coherent and we were talking".... and the day before that she was planning a wedding for my dad and his ex wife and having an indepth conversation with my very real but very dead cousin, uncles, aunts, and my grandparents.....like when she stops seeing people outside in the tree talking to her and talking about the family member who is talking to her that has been dead for 20 years we can talk about her being coherent enough to spend money. Apparently when my sister goes to see her they go through her finances, and when i yelled at her for taking 650, and how am i supposed to pay storage and BOTH rents with 3000 (heres one for you math nerds, 1500 + 1500 =......) let me enlighten you, its 3000. i would of had 23$ left to pay for a 200$ storage space.... and all i get is "she said it was ok"..... yesterday she said her grilled cheese was floating on a plate of water, can we stop taking moms musings for face value?   it went on that shes jealous because mom and i have a good relationship (jfc maybe because i'm not almost 50 hitting her up for money every 30 seconds and i actually enjoy her company?) and that her son and i (hes 27) have a better relationship.... sorry? hes more trust worthy than you are?    This is going to be a long lifetime if my mother is destined for the nursing home. Maybe just throw everything to my sister and walk away, and let that ship implode. She is 47 y/o. Has always lectured ME on being independent and needing to do things for MYSELF and here she is getting my mother to pay her 2000 a month so she can live. ALSO i had noticed that my mother was getting these phone calls from an insurance company, and it isnt hers. She said she had no idea who they were so i called them and told them to take her off their call list she doesnt have an account. Come to find out, she does, its for my sisters car, of which she pays the payment for sometimes.....   i didnt ever want to know any of this. Can we just go back to 3 months ago when my mother was throwing thousands of dollars at my sister, screaming at me to just take the 50$ she feels like she owes me (balance of power mayhaps? ) and i dont have to know how much she financially helps my sister.    on the same tangent..... if my sister continued to take the same amount of money from my mother, but it was from her inheritance it would be enough for 6 years. Then she would be fucked.....    welp anywho..... hope everyone has a wonderful monday, holiday, whatever this is for you   -Wasp

I'm in the middle of a conundrum. I have control over my mothers finances, namely because the rest of my family that could be are complete numerical morons. My father has a gambling addiction and my sister well..... my sister is a spoiled rotten brat? shes always had everything handed to her. Over the past 4 years that shes moved and lived out of state my mother has been paying her rent.

My mother is in a nice new facility , as of yesterday.  I talked to crazy joe (her financial advisor ..... and if you get that refrence, 10 points to hufflepuff) and she said basically she has X amount of money. He told me numerous times  "i told her not to live to high above what she can, she doesnt like to listen. "  I told him i know. In the last 30 days she has given my sister over 5k and this is the first month where the bills, that get paid BY ME, have been tight. My sister takes $300 from her every time she comes up. When i mentioned crazy joe and his "well she has enough money to live for a few years, but well have to look at spending" and my sisters voice changed to a whimper of...... "what does he know.....:" which was code for "You cant do that to me, you cant cut me off.

So my conundrum comes in the form of, how mean do i want to be.  Do i want to have the hard conversation with her of , if mom doesnt pull out of this, you need to get a fucking job ,because i'm going to fucking cancel auto pay on your shit. That will go over like a fart in church as I just asked why my mother is paying for 2 HBO subscriptions (her own and my sisters) when it could be 1 and maybe she should switch to a free music service (her amazon music is 12$) and i got met with ThAt Is My OnLy EsCaPe FrOm ThIs DoNt TaKe It AwAy (which im not, i was just saying heeeeeey maybe we should cut corners? so she has more money? since you know you took 5000 from her last month, and that doesnt even include the  150 i put on the discover card for you.....

I was tasked this morning with talking to the financial advisor and being told that i didnt do enough , and didnt ask the right questions and now she feels like she doesnt know anything. COOL. I dont need you to know anything..... im just in a horrible mind state currently.....

my brain is soup and i am a fork....

i dont know if anything made sense in this.....

hope ya'll are having a magical friday

-Wasp

....be with you I said i was going to come here and write about my thoughts and all the shit i have going on in my life and then I just sat and stared at this screen for 3 days. Its already May 4th and i cant for the life of me figure out where the time went this year. I'm currently eyeballs deep in bullshit and how to fix it all, i'm not sure. I have a child who is hell bent on joining the military. Why, because its their call for civil duty? No, because they plan to go to college  " a lot" and want the military to pay for that. What comes along with that though is benefits for other people involved, like a spouse. I got a bomb dropped on me that my 18 y/o plans to marry their SO this summer so that they can share the money from the military and the SO can get health care and benefits and a place to live (mind you, all of these things are already had) while they go off to....Iran? presumably? So my 18 y/o who cant remember a schedual, still has screaming crying crash outs, cant remember jack nor shit, has never had a moment of aloneness to figure themselves out in this world..... is getting MARRIED over the summer...... are you insane? an 18 y/o and a 19 y/o playing house, with grown up shit........ This is on top of my mom. She suffered a stroke back at the end of march and her care is running out. Once they kick her out of the now 3rd place shes been in come wednesday, i have no idea what to do. Looking at other long term rehabs, which no one will listen to me on the best one. She could go home but she wont get the rehab she needs at home.... she has a good chunk of money from retirement and she doesnt qualify for medicade because of that..... i have no idea what to do about any of this. I want to run away and never come back. Being forced into relationships with people that i hate because of this.... i just want to change my number and run away   yay for rambles, i'm sorry. Hope everyone is having a good monday..... is that a thing?

This is pretty bare bones for the moment, as i dont have the HTML knowledge i once did and i dont know the people i once did on here. 

I'll get around to making it look nice. Hope everyone is having a great day. I havent written here in about 10 years and i dont even know whos still around.

The name is Wasp. I hope to write in here more often.

what do you do when you are 42 with a part time job and more bills than money? I am having a panic attack!! as we get closer to closing my moms estate a couple bills are past due by a couple months, im going to use my federal tax refund to make a payment on one to bring it down. None of the applications that i have put in for full time positions since my mother passed in August 25 have panned out. I think im on my 150th application with only 1 interview that didn't go anywhere! I am at my whit's end.... Do i take out a home equity line of credit? so somethings are consolidated and paid off so there not little payments? 

Bills:

PHone bill - 140

st loans 160 Remaining balance is $8k 

cancer policy 1 67.10

cancer policy 2 44.48

Electric bill $35 ( ty solar)

gARBAGE BILL BEHIND : SO ITS $400

propane /ethanol bill $4k also behind ( this is where my $600 tax reffund is going)

Dog: Needs Shots ( $300)

Grocries are about $150-160 every two weeks

my Car payment is $181 every two weeks

my bf  has his phone, car and pay for our car insurance

Insurance will go up in may DUe to (house, farm ground libiality and the 2 cars will all be on one policy) 840 a month unless i can get cheaper somewhere but my moms's current company was $20 difference... so 

 Capital one cc 1800 maxed out

Citi credit 900 maxxed out

I just want to work a full time job, with less crazyness than my part time job. This past week i've covered for co-workers who were sick, got written up for missing things on Food safety eval, and for not paying attention to something very criticial. I already told my boss i don't think Im manager material. I mean when i accepted this promotion it was only a manager on paper  the only things i had to do was open the store and count the safe that was it... Now Im expected to do all the mangerial things without much training.  Its so over whelming. What is communicated as expected and what is dont match up and so i get all confused as to what is really expected of me. 

This week for work i will open once with a new person who will be on thier Second day, and 2nd time with someone i normally open with.  I am scared I am going to get fired before I find something else.. and i really need to find something.

 

My Avon has been slow as hell as well.  so i've been debating giving it up after being in for over 15years this year. *sighZ* i just need something to go my way for once. 

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

im crying. im over it. i cant take on much more. im a mom of 3. i work part time as a school van driver. i am a full time student. i am married. there are 5 people in my  home. me, husband, 3 kids (2,4,12). just got off the phone with unemployment for an appeal i filed for being denied on some bullshit technicalities with my claim. i filed my claim incorrectly, but i didnt even know i filed incorrectly until i got denied and then i spoke to a rep who helped me file the backdate claims. still denied. no compassion at all. this is TWICE now that unemployment has denied me. (first time was bc I was a few hundred short of the monetary threshold to qualify so i had to go all last summer without an income.I am so sick of getting shafted by them. i have schoolwork to do, just now am getting a moment to do it but now i am so fucking defeated and angry that i dont even want to do it now. i dont want to do anything anymore. I tried to keep my bloodpressure down by doing some laundry but even that pisses me off. I an ONE person. who does laundry for FIVE people. for every basket I get washed and folded when I can, 5 more pop up. i ask for help. i have to wait weeks or months for it. no one in my house knows how to take initiative to do a goddamn thing without being asked to do it. Iask them to make sure their laundry atleast gets into one of the MILLION FUCKING BASKETS i bought. they dont do it. i ask them to put away their own fucking clothes after I wash and fold them. they dont. i got pissed one ay and told them that i wasnt doing any more laundry if its not in a fucking basket. they dont care. i ask for SIMPLE THINGS to be done to make my tasks easier and THEY JUST DONT FUCKING DO IT.

 I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ASK. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ASK. THEY LIVE HERE TOO. 

same thing with the fucking dishes. I ask them not to take  dishes upstairs. they do it anyway. i ask them to rinse the dishes after using them. they dont. I ask for help with dishes maybe once a fucking week. nope. im sick of it. i cant keep going like this. I am one person trying to clean up after 4 other people, while doing all of my own shit and I. JUST. CANT.

I havent had a fucking car in 5 months since my jeep died. plan was to get a new car with our refund. then we get told the landlord is selling the house in march and we have to move. AGAIN. same thing happened to us last fucking year. so now the refund needs to be used to move. goodbye getting a fucking car i guess. im going crazy. my depression is coming back. i cry alot again. i want to disappear alot again. i dont like my family right now. i dont like my life right now. i dont like me right now. something needs to change.

i figured i would go back to school to try and make my, our, futures brighter by getting a better job with my degree when i return back to work full time. but im only half way through my FIRST semester out of 4 to get that degree and everything is just so fucking hard to manage and i get no support from anyone.i get no me time. no peace. 

i need a break. i need a vacation. but we cant afford it. and even if we could, HE wont save his paid time for us to be able to take a vacation. i ask him not to use it all. its only february and he has already blown through over half of his paid time. theres no way in hell hes giong to have any left for us to attempt a vacation in the summer. 

is this really just how life is for a mom and a wife? really...? constantly shit on. constantly expected to take care of everything. to make it all work. no help. have to ask for it if i want it. dont get it anyway most times unless i end up having to yell. them im the asshole for yelling.

this is stupid. i dont want to do this anymore. i know this is temporary, but goddamn, why does it have to be so fucking hard?!?!?!

I have so many questions... and a lawyer is expensive... but i definately need one i have 60 acres and a house and bills now..

LIke if i leave to my nephews and something happens to them  who do i leave it to? do i leave those instructions in my will do i have to come up with that?

Also i maybe be inheriting from my dads brothers their parents farmground... even tho they both have one child still living. do i make provisions for that as well ? 

i did take a step today and asked someone to be my exeuctor. so that is at least done... but i have soooo many questions.

and my moms probate isn't even finished yet....

*sighZ*

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

 So far in  2026:

Bills are piling up

Car repairs, Home repairs ( putting everything in my name and taking it out of my moms name)

hours at work cut

Can't get a interview, even though i've applied for a full time positiions

Work now has mandatory manager meetings.... on tuesdays ( non paid) at least my first one was ... 

Went to the drs. for a follow up about my blood pressure FINALLY Normal! im down 15 lbs from last visit. but i have hardened ear wax in both ears so much that the dr. couldn't see my ear drums. so i have to use debrox for a week and then go for a earflush on Friday. hopefully that does it.. ( the only symptom i had was my balance was a little wonky... last time it was wonky i had a ear infection...) 

Avon business has been slow... this is the first campagin that has had more than 1 customer order so ... we shall see i am debating if i can Make it to my 15 year of selling anniversary or not... just a lot going on!

 

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

No, I did not get a car for Christmas.  I was also a good girl and did not engage in "shenanigans" of any sort.   Haha.

My car did decide that it hated me and wanted to fall apart, literally.  The front panel piece of one of my car handles popped off dramatically. I was literally just opening my door.  The latch mechanism is still there.  That is what happens when manufacturers make plastic car handles....just saying.  

Then, on Christmas night, my transmission light came on in my car.  I was tired and did not see it correctly at first.  I did get some maintenance issues that came up while I was trying to fix that.  I still had to drive 4 hours home the next day.  You better believe I was gripping the wheel and praying my entire way home that I got home safely.  I did too....thank the heavens.  I still have to figure out why my infernal light came on.  I also have to get a window motor replaced in one of rear windows.  Let's just say that my car looks janky.  Haha.

 

I did have a good Christmas despite all those woes.  I actually spent it with my family.  I have not spent christmas with them in probably close to 10 years.  I usually am with friends because I live too far away from family. I saw my sister and we had a decent  interaction for the first time in 6 years.  It was very cathartic and I am thankful for it.  There is way more work to get close to how we were before everything happened, but it is progress and I am happy.  

Well, I am off for now.  I am tired and cannot think clearly enough to compose an entry.  Talk to you later.--Your friendly neighborhood "mischief maker", Robyn

Hi everyone!! I decided to opened this diary so I can used to the CSS codes. So if you like any of my css codes. the code will be at the center of the entry (Please Credit Me). For example: <style type="text/css">table,td{background-color:#779c8a;border:0}body{background-color:#779c8a}hr{width:2px;height:2px;color:#779c8a;background-color:none;border:0}font,tr,td,div,table,xmp{font-family:britannic bold;font-size:12px;color:#fde0e4}a:link{color:#fde0e4;text-decoration:italic}a:visited{color:#dbe2e8;text-decoration:italic}a:hover{color:#fde0e4;text-decoration: underline;border-top:1px solid #dbe2e8;}a:active{color:#fde0e4;font-family:century gothic;font-size:12px}b{color:#dbe2e8;font-family:arial black;font-size:12px}u{color:#dbe2e8;border-bottom:2px double #dbe2e8;}strong{color:#dbe2e8;font-family:arial black;font-size:12px}i{color:#dbe2e8;font-family:book antiqua;font-size:12px}s{color:#dbe2e8;font-family:book antiqua;font-size:12px;text-decoration: line-through;}d{color:#dbe2e8;font-family:arial black;font-size:12px;text-decoration: underline overline #fde0e4;}input{font-family:book antiqua;font-size:12px;border:1px solid #b16268;background-color:none;color:#fde0e4}.strike{width:100%;font-family:arial;color:#dbe2e8;background-color:none;font-size:12px;line-height:14px;border-bottom:1px solid #fde0e4;text-align:left}.m{width:100%;font-family:arial;color:#dbe2e8;background-color:none;font-size:8px;line-height:10px;border-top:1px solid #fde0e4;text-align:left}</style> Color Lover

Hi everyone!! I decided to opened this diary so I can used to the CSS codes. So if you like any of my css codes. the code will be at the center of the entry (Please Credit Me). For example: <style type="text/css">table,td{background-color:#586a5d;border:0}body{background-color:#586a5d;scrollbar-face-color:#586a5d;scrollbar-3dlight-color:#586a5d;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:#1f352d;scrollbar-highlight-color:#586a5d;scrollbar-shadow-color:#1f352d;scrollbar-track-color:#586a5d;scrollbar-arrow-color:#8b6440}hr{width:2px;height:2px;color:#586a5d;background-color:none;border:0}font,tr,td,div,table,xmp{font-family:britannic bold;font-size:12px;color:#cdd1c3}a:link{color:#ac6730;text-decoration:italic}a:visited{color:#cdc1c3;text-decoration:italic}a:hover{color:#cdd1c3;text-decoration: underline;border-top:1px solid #c76c69;}a:active{color:#ac6730;font-family:century gothic;font-size:12px}b{color:#1f352d;font-family:arial black;font-size:12px}u{color:#1f352d;border-bottom:2px double #ac6730;}strong{color:#1f352d;font-family:arial black;font-size:12px}i{color:#1f352d;font-family:book antiqua;font-size:12px}s{color:#1f352d;font-family:book antiqua;font-size:12px;text-decoration: line-through;}d{color:#1f352d;font-family:arial black;font-size:12px;text-decoration: underline overline;}input{font-family:book antiqua;font-size:12px;border:1px solid #1f352d;background-color:none;color:#1f352d}.strike{width:100%;font-family:arial;color:#cdd1c3;background-color:none;font-size:12px;line-height:14px;border-bottom:1px solid #ac6730;text-align:left}.m{width:100%;font-family:arial;color:#cdd1c3;background-color:none;font-size:8px;line-height:10px;border-top:1px solid #ac6730;text-align:left}</style> Color Lover

This year about to be over I know last entry I said I am starting over. Well, I don't do that because this year is about to be over. All I want to say is thank god because it have be a excuses my language, sh*t show. I was very much blindside and lost my job. I really don't know it I really want to go back to the job, but my family (my mom and aunt) want to. I feel like I am truly burnout about after losing my job. After a day or two, I started to feel some sense of not stress out. I just NEED to find a job that doesn't required me to be emotional stability. For 16 or 20 years, my (formal) job was a caregiver. Being a caregiver is not an easy job, many people might think it is, but it is not. I can tell you first hand experience, it is not, it is full of tired, hard, emotionally, physically, and mentally work. At the end, you will get pitiful, empathic, and sarcastic thank you that will let you think a tiny glimmer of hope of appreciation instead you don't get it. This job will break you in many ways that you would not even to think of. This job had break me into being emotionally and mentally burnt out. Also, don't get me started with the paycheck, my mom work for a potato company and they her double more than a caregiver gets paid. I could goes on and on, but it useless.
The Game Plans I need a game plan for my financial debt free life because I have so.....many debts to pay off that when into debt collections, this is not helping me getting out of stress.
So, starting now and the years (so.....many) to come. I have to be realistic and stop fooling myself (unless I want it to be a sh*t show again)

Pay off bills (PayPal, Etsy and Amazon)

Pay off bank account (I got scam from a job, so now I have to pay back my bank)

Pay off Credit Card Debts

Pay off Student Loan Debts

Save money (retirement, rainy day, and emergency funds)

Save for future (kids and so on...)

I need to start putting my money that I have save in my cash app, Venmo, or Coinbase card. More likely my Venmo or my Coinbase card because cash app card I most likely send the money on books.

Fundraiser Goal $8,000 Student loan debt
Pay off Credit Cards Debt
$3000 Bank debt
$600 Etsy debt
$200 Amazon debt
$300 PayPal debt

Currently Cash app Bank: $ 8
Retirement: $0.00
Rainy Day: $0.00
Bad Spending (Pre-Amex): $0.00



















Needs

• Pay off bills (PayPal, Etsy and Amazon)
• Pay off bank account (I got scam from a job, so now I have to pay back my bank)
• Pay off Credit Card Debts
• Pay off Student Loan Debts
• Save money (retirement, rainy day, and emergency funds)
• Save for future (kids and so on...)

Wants

My Bloop Diaries masquerade (personal) Colorlover (css code)







Credit Color Lover Project Service

So last night my bf left for work, and he calls me about 10:30-45 ish, saying i hit a deer! the car is totaled.... HOw do i know? All the air bags deployed front and passenger and the engine is scrunched.  being as that was our only car because we had to turn mom's car in as i couldn't get it refinanced into my name so we turned it back into the dealership. 

So i have to say thank you so much to some of my church family... one of them gave me a ride to church this morning and have a 3rd vechile so i can get to work in the morning ( i open at 530am and get off at 11am) and then taking my bf to work... 

So hopefully that comes thru i get off at work at a decent time and can make it to the car dealership to inquire about the car i was hoping would be our second car instead of our only car... *SighZ*

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

I walk up to you from behind and wrap my arms around your waist, kissing your neck, smelling your scent in your hair, and breathes deeply, lips on your skin, making you shiver. I whisper in your ear that I am going to make you cum so hard you forget your own fucking name. I whirl you around and push you back onto the bed, climbing on top of you, and kissing you, forcing your lips apart with my tongue and sucking yours into my mouth, lingering on your tongue ring for a moment before breaking off the kiss. 

I shove up your shirt, pulling it off of you, hearing it tear in the process, but I just shrug and tell you Ill get you another one. That if you are a very good girl I will give you the world. I tell you that you belong to me, and I own you, as I grip your hair and yank your head back, licking up your neck then sucking it until I leave a borderline bleeding hickey on it. I take off the rest of your clothes, and instead of exploring your body like I have been doing, I pull you by your hair to your knees and tell you to suck my dick, literally, and force it into your mouth, telling you to fucking look at me. Your gorgeous eyes look up at me pleadingly, but I pretend not to see and back us into a wall, holding your head agianst the wall by holding your hair on both sides and begin to fuck your mouth urgently with my cock, deepthroating you, bypassing any gag reflex you may have. 

After about 2 minutes straight, still holding your hair, I pull you over to the bed, you are crawling like such a good little bitch, and I shove you face first into the bed, climbing on top of you and forcefully thrust my cock into your tight wet pussy, ohh my god how good it feels, inside you. I thrust my hips into you all the way, making you take every single inch all at once, filling you up to your bring both length and girth pushing your limits, stretching you knowing you will be right back to being tight when I am done with you. You moan into the pillow and I pull out almost to the tip and then thrust violently back into you, and begin to fuck you so hard, I reach up and hang onto the headboard for support, pulling on it so I can fuck you deeper. I grab your hair, and my cock is moving so fast and hard inside you, its shaking the bed, and I reach around with my other hand and put three fingers into your mouth telling you to suck them, show me how much you want this big dick baby. Slapping your ass many times, I make it so red you beg me to stop then tell me you need more. 

I flip you over, and continue fucking your dripping wet pussy, leaning in to kiss you hard, looking at you in the eyes as I slow down for a second, wanting you to feel every single second of this, I grin wickedly at you and pull out. I go down to your clit and flick my tongue over the rosebud of it and watch your back arch in pleasure, then I wrap my lips around the folds of your pussy and suck hard and consistently, my tongue entering you over and over and over agan, tongue fucking you, I know you want to cum but I tell you dont you fucking dare till i tell you to. I come back up and again flip you this time on top of me, and hold your hands down beside my legs so you cant move and tell you that youre going to take it cuz thats all you can do. I begin thrusting up into your harder and faster and deeper than anyone has been, taking you places no one in your life has ever gone before inside you. You moan and gasp and I reach up and slap you hard across the face telling you to shut the hell up. And my god you do, you take it like such a good liitle whore. Mmmmmm Babygirl couldnt help myself. 

 

So last night I said that I would write you today and so here it is. I was saying that it scares me ( us ) because I am so scared of letting my heart go into the hands of anyone else after what I have been through and yet I have longed all my life for someone like you. The fact that you love me back is so incredible to me. Every touch by you rocks me on so many levels. Your kinda love, The kinda love we would have together would be all consuming and completely what other people would indeed call dangerous or toxic or whatever at least the kinky parts, because I already know we would take it too far in the eyes of this stupid planet. I dont care but I need to make sure you dont think it is, because the things I wanna do to you and let you to do me are fucking twisted as we both already know but it is such a turn on. Maybe thats what i like about it. 

And on top of it, see I know its the bad time of the month for me, but when that is over soon, if I let you actually make me have an orgasm, my personality and heart is literally going to make me be bonded to you like, as if we are ONE. And that kinda surrender I cant just walk away from because if I actually let it happen, it means I am yours forever, unless you walk away. I choose you as my one person, my one special girl to be mine, though Im not sure how much of a choice I really had because I tried like hell to fight it. I keep saying I dont wanna hurt you, but I dont want you to hurt me either if I am being honest I am the forever kinda love and you need to be sure that is what you want and are in for because I am being up front and honest with you right now. I do not fall in love unless I plan on it being forever. I have been that way even as a teenager. My soul is made for anchoring to one person for life and obviously its not worked out that way as of yet but it doesnt stop who I am. 

 

I love you, Skylyn. So much it makes me ache. Like literally when you kiss me, or touch me, it makes me core MELT. If I let myself need you, I might just be lost forever. In all the best ways. 

So now you know what I was thinking. I wish my mouth was as expressive as my fingers. HA.

I just wanna tell you a few things while I am alone and able to fully focus on how and what I feel. I want you to know that I love us together, I dont know you have to decide if we are together or not for real, because things are really up in the air for me, and you are just starting out in an entirely new life for yourself, and I would never want to get in the way of that. I know you say I wont, but you will meet new people now, and dont you dare let anyone take advantage of that gorgeous heart you have. I love you Skylyn. Youre an amazing girl who deserves the best in life. I am on an unknown path. We shall see where this takes us if you are sure you want to. I know I shouldnt. Argh. 

I want to show you what it feels like to be loved, to be sexed up, to be submissive to you, to be dominant to you, and make sweet love to you and so much more. I dont know how far you even want to go sexually. That last orgasm you had that was so intense will only get more intense the more I do it, because our frequencies align and it creates electricity in our morphic and scalar fields. Sigh. Its a good thing. I can take you there if you want me to. I want to kiss every inch of you and let you know how beautful you are inside and out. I actually crave your hands on me, your fingers touching me, your lips on mine. I want to be on top of you, and you on top of me and just literally everything there is to do, I wanna do it with you 

Id take your hand and lead you onto the bed, kissing you, straddling you and holding your wrists up by your head. I would give you the biggest fucking hickey you ever had all over the place if youd want me to, But as far as the strap on goes, I want to kiss you so deeply that we both forget where we are, and run my fingertips up your inner thighs, teasing you, feeling your wetness, and I would slide deeply into you, gently at first, just testing out how much you can take, and pushing alllllll the way in till I completely fill you up., then pull most of the way back out, till just the tip is teasing the folds of your pussy. Id look at you right in the eyes, lean down and kiss you and at the same time thrust hard and deep into you, till my hips meet yours, and I garuntee you would cry out with pleasure, That would only turn me on to the point that Id start fucking you so hard and fast that you cant help moaning and, Id alternate, slowing down deeply moving inside you, to fast and hard, harder each time, feeling every emotion possible at the same time, making me want to totally lose it, and fuck you so hard you explode onto my cock, and fuck it, thats exactly what I do, and just when you think you cant take it anymore, I go faster, hitting your G-spot over and over and over again till you are quivering under me, but I dont stop, not until you are beggine me to let you cum, and just as I tell you to fucking cum for me, you do, and this time you find out what female ejaculation is, as you squirt all over the place, releasing alll those years of built up tension and anger and frustration ( because thats what REAL cumming does baby. I cant wait to make that happen for you ) Mmmm. I pull out of you, and go down and lick up every single drop of your cum, swallowing it like it was water I needed to survive. I lick your clit, softly then hard, and find a rythym you like as I pull your legs over my shoulders and plunge my tongue deep inside you repeatedly, holding your hands tight. I glue my mouth to your clit and suck and suck and suck till your sweet release comes, as your legs tighten around my head. Mmmm God, Well, There ya go, now yiou have some light reading for when you are bored, And trust me, I want to use that on you in somany different ways, I want to mount you, and fuck you from behind soooo deep and slow and hard that you scream for me. And I want to make you cum over and over. I also wanna teach you what I like, when I am able if you actually want to get me off too which I am assuming you do lol. I mean there is such a thing called a Pillow Princess where the girl only likes to be pleasured and does not like to reciprocate and give it back but if thats the case, Ill just do it myself lol. I will make you cum and you will cum hard for me. But only when I say so. Otherwise I might have to show you whos the boss eh? You said you are a brat. Might have to buy a whip or crop to keep you in line lol. 

God I want to kiss you. If you ever wanna turn me on more than you ever have just get on top of me and kiss me with those lips for a few minutes you have no idea how much that would get to me. Wow this is a long message and I am sorry to send it when youre away but its the only time I was able to think properly. I love you. <3

so mom passed away on Friday the 22nd. and funeal will be on Sept 3rd. 

 now we begin the will processeses ... 

 AND i got to find a budgeting app

so i can now budget for house insurnace, life insurance, and the other household things.... and work more hours..

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

What a wonderful weekend! 

 

I had a great two days with Konner!  We did some work at the school together.  He's been helping me redo the counter top I have in my classroom.  It's a god awful red color and it's so stained and ugly.  I'm covering it right now and it already looks SO much better.  It's not such an eye sore when you walk into the classroom.  We will be finishing it this week!  I am pretty much done with setting up my classroom except for setting some items up on the counter.  I'll be going there tomorrow to work on some things for a little bit.  It's been extremely nice not having to rush getting everything settled.  

 

Konner and I went to a end up summer bbq this weekend.  He met some more people I am close with and he actually found out he went to high school someone who was at the bbq.  It's been such a joy to be able to bring him around to functions like this and acutally have a good time together.   I definitely needed the couple days with him and he even mentioned we both needed this.  

 

Anyways... I am off to bed!