I'm sorry, but a man who destroys your mental health cannot be the love of your life. Never.

Love isn’t supposed to hurt like that. It’s not supposed to leave you crying yourself to sleep, questioning your worth, or walking on eggshells just to avoid conflict. The right man will never make you feel like you’re too emotional, too sensitive, or too much for simply wanting respect and peace.

When someone constantly drains your energy, manipulates your emotions, or makes you doubt your reality — that’s not love, that’s control. And no amount of memories, apologies, or promises can make toxicity look like love.

The love of your life will help you heal, not be the reason you need healing. He will make you feel calm in a world full of chaos, not become the chaos himself. You deserve someone who speaks life into you, who makes your soul rest easy, who shows you that love isn’t meant to be painful — it’s meant to be peaceful

 

I gave up giving him chances because every chance I handed him was another piece of myself I was sacrificing. 

I kept believing that maybe the next apology would be real, that maybe he would wake up one morning and finally see the weight of the pain he kept putting me through. 

I stayed longer than I should have, hoping that love alone could fix what he kept breaking. 

But every promise he made faded the moment things got difficult, and every chance I gave became a reminder of how little he valued my effort, my loyalty, and my heart.

I reached a point where I couldn’t keep rebuilding myself after every disappointment he delivered so easily. 

I couldn’t keep pretending that “maybe next time” would ever come. 

It hurt to realize that he was comfortable hurting me, comfortable watching me forgive him again and again, because he knew I always would. 

And that was the moment I chose to stop. I chose to walk away from the cycle that was draining me. 

I gave up giving him chances not because I stopped loving him, but because I finally started loving myself enough to let go of someone who only knew how to take

 

Not every man wants growth… some just want comfort. They want a woman who bends so they never have to rise. A woman who forgives what they never fix. A woman who accepts behaviors they don’t plan to change.

She wasn’t asking for too much… she was asking for the bare minimum. Consistency. Communication. Respect. And he acted like she was demanding the impossible. He ran from accountability and called it personality. He avoided hard conversations and called it peace. He refused to grow and called it self-acceptance.

So he went looking for someone easier… someone who didn’t challenge him… someone who let him stay small. But easy love never lasts… and the woman he left was the one who would’ve helped him become the man he pretends to be.

She didn’t lose him… he lost the opportunity to grow beside a woman who saw greatness in him long before he saw it in himself

 

  He wasted her time in the quietest but cruelest way, by letting her believe there was a future when he knew he was never fully present in it. 

  Day after day, she invested herself with patience and hope, adjusting her expectations, forgiving what shouldn’t have needed forgiveness, and waiting for actions to match the words he spoke so easily. 

   He let her plan around a version of him that only existed in promises, while he remained comfortable doing the bare minimum, never choosing clarity, never choosing her completely.

   She gave him chances because she believed in growth, in love, in the idea that effort would eventually be returned. 

  But instead of meeting her halfway, he kept her in a cycle of waiting, waiting for honesty, for accountability, for consistency. 

  Time passed, seasons changed, and she slowly realized she had been standing still while her life revolved around someone who refused to move forward with her.

  What hurts most is not just the lost time, but the way he drained her emotionally while pretending nothing was wrong. 

   He benefited from her presence, her understanding, her silence, and her willingness to stay, all while offering uncertainty in return. 

  In wasting her time, he delayed her healing, her happiness, and the love she could have been building elsewhere.

   And when she finally walked away, she understood that time is the one thing you can never get back, but self-respect is something you can always reclaim

  When a man is unhappy with himself, he’ll project that pain onto the woman who’s trying to love him. It’s a harsh truth but one that’s often overlooked. Instead of looking inward and facing his own demons, he takes the frustration, the anger, the insecurity out on the person closest to him....the woman who shows up with love, hope, and vulnerability. She becomes the mirror for his dissatisfaction, the outlet for his unrest. And in doing so, he ends up ruining her happiness, not because she’s done anything wrong, but because he can’t find his own peace.

  It’s heartbreaking to watch because the woman doesn’t ask for his pain or his burdens. She steps in with open arms and an open heart, hoping to build something beautiful together. But when a man is wrestling with himself....his failures, his fears, his worthlessness....he can’t give her the love she deserves. Instead, he pulls her into the storm, making her responsible for his emotional chaos when that should never be her job.

  This projection creates a toxic cycle where love gets tangled with resentment, trust gets replaced by doubt, and happiness becomes a fragile, rare moment that feels like it’s slipping through their fingers. The woman ends up carrying more weight than she should, feeling broken and confused because she can’t understand why her love isn’t enough to fix what’s wrong.

  But here’s the truth she needs to hear......she is not the cause of his unhappiness. His inability to find peace inside himself is his battle to fight, not hers to carry. And no matter how much she tries to save him or fix him, she can’t heal wounds he refuses to face. Real love isn’t about sacrificing your happiness for someone else’s pain. It’s about two people who are whole enough on their own choosing to grow together, not dragging each other down.

  So if you’re the woman trying to love a man who’s unhappy with himself, remember this.....you deserve happiness that’s not conditional on his mood or his struggles. You deserve a love that lifts you, not one that pulls you under. And sometimes, loving yourself means walking away from someone who can’t love you the way you deserve because he hasn’t learned to love himself yet

 

  Being sexually desired isn’t a flex. 

 Let's be honest ... half of the people out here will chase anything that gives them attention for five seconds.... Lustful people don’t crave connection, they crave stimulation.... They’ll drool over one person today, another one tomorrow, and call it “chemistry” when really, it’s just habit.... Same recycled lust, just a new face to project it on.

  That’s not attraction, that’s appetite.... Real attraction is rooted in respect, consistency, and emotional discipline ... not just desire. The real flex isn’t how many people want you, it’s how few truly have access to you.... It’s being respected in silence, admired without exposure, valued even when you’re unavailable. Because anyone can want your body… but it takes a different kind of person to love your soul.... The one who doesn’t chase instant gratification, but shows up with patience, protection, and peace....

  Lust is easy. Love requires effort....and that’s the difference between being wanted and being chosen 

 

  Cheating doesn’t start with sex… it starts with sneaky conversations. It starts with the subtle things… the harmless “likes,” the innocent compliments, the private messages that seem casual but cross invisible boundaries. It begins when loyalty gets blurry, when attention starts shifting away from the relationship and toward outside validation.

  It starts when a partner chooses secrecy over transparency… when they hide their phone, clear their notifications, change their passwords. It’s in the small betrayals that build up quietly.... the laughs shared with someone who isn’t their person, the emotional intimacy they begin offering to someone else, the confiding, the late-night texts that should’ve never been sent.

  Cheating doesn’t always need a bedroom. Sometimes it’s a connection that’s formed through words, through time, through shared secrets that don’t belong outside the relationship. It’s the slow erosion of respect… the quiet betrayal of trust… the moment they start giving pieces of themselves to someone who isn’t you.

  By the time it turns physical, the emotional line was already crossed long ago. And that’s the part that cuts the deepest… because it wasn’t just their body that strayed, it was their loyalty, their attention, their heart. Cheating doesn’t start with action… it starts with intention. It starts with entertaining what they should’ve shut down the moment it presented itself.

So never underestimate those “just friends” conversations that feel off… the ones they wouldn’t have if you were standing beside them. Because loyalty isn’t proven in moments of ease… it’s proven in moments of temptation. And a person who truly respects you won’t entertain a situation that could risk losing you… not even a little.

 

DEAR PORN ADDICTED MEN:

  Your girlfriend didn't become insecure. You installed it.

  Every night you chose a screen over her body, you taught her she wasn't enough. You didn't say the words. You didn't have to. Your absence said them louder than language ever could.

  She stopped undressing with the lights on because of you. Started dieting because of you. Googled "why doesn't my boyfriend want me" at 3am because of you. Bought lingerie she was too nervous to wear because of you. And it stayed in the drawer because of you.

  You didn't lay a hand on her self worth. You just redirected your desire somewhere else and let the vacuum do the damage.

  And when she finally said something, you called her insecure. Like the word was a diagnosis and not a confession.

  She wasn't insecure before you. She became insecure because of you. And the fact that you named it as her flaw instead of your consequence is the most dishonest thing you've done besides the behavior itself.

  But you already knew that

 

  LUSTFUL MEN WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED, and that's a sad way to live. Imagine having a woman who loves you unconditionally, respects you, cares for you... yet you still entertain other woman like you're missing something, but it's YOU that's empty.

  A chronic wanderer does not cheat because his partner is lacking; he continually steps out because his character is completely emotionally bankrupt.

  A weak man operates from a profound, unfillable void, constantly seeking external validation to temporarily numb his own deep-seated insecurities.

  He will arrogantly sacrifice a fiercely loyal woman for cheap, momentary attention, entirely failing to realize that no amount of endless conquest can ever cure his own internal emptiness.

  You must accept that his relentless betrayal is a tragic, permanent declaration of his own brokenness, never a reflection of your inherent value. You cannot love a man enough to magically fix a deficit he absolutely refuses to heal himself.

  A genuine man builds an impenetrable fortress around his relationship, finding absolute fulfillment in the depth of a single, high-value connection rather than the shallow validation of a crowd.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you showed them you’d stay through ANYTHING… so they started putting you through EVERYTHING?

 

You stayed after the lies.

You stayed after the disrespect.

You stayed after the betrayal.

You stayed through the tears, the apologies, and the promises they kept breaking.

 

And somehow, your loyalty became their permission to hurt you again.

 

Let’s be VERY clear: that’s not love. That’s abuse.

 

Just because you stayed doesn’t mean they were allowed to keep destroying you. And loving someone deeply does NOT mean you have to keep sacrificing yourself to prove it.

 

Sometimes the strongest thing you can say is:

 

“I loved you enough to stay. Now I love myself enough to leave.”

 

And THAT’S the part people don’t want to hear 🔥

Work has been a shit show. I was demoted from being a manager after my family reunion that i planned. But i am still being treated like a manager except now i dont have store keys. One day i had to go get a key to the store from another manager to open because the opening manager was out with a family emergency. I have sent a notice to hr they said they are reviewing but i haven't heard anything! Our Gm keeps scheduling me to open with him and another crew member  we are all supposed to be there at 5:30am and he doesn't show up till 6am when the store is supposed to open! so i dont know what to do.... I am appying for jobs... IM over this I have been denied for Chic fil a, 3 different banks. I Just want a full time job with freaking benefitss! thats all i want 

 

Life Stress: Lawn Mower wont stay started... So on top of all the other home repairs i need to do ( replace doors, fix hole on shed roof, replace downspout, and remove the elevator lift and put the stairs back in.. ) I need to get a new lawn mower.. 

My plans for my share of the Bean crop is: Prepay propane and ethanol for winter and get a lawnmower that has a cart/snowblower fucntion. and deposit the rest for my loan payments and property taxes

They have started harvesting here and my allergies have acted up. IM allergic to the crop dust so my nose is running no stop - have taken musinex and keep repetivie sneezing! my face hurts so bad. i dont want to go to work tomorrow but i need to as i need money.

NOt to mention my bf is getting jacked around by his job. so shit is falling apart i just need 1 thing to go super well.

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

Well, the shittiest thing that could happen happened. My mother has passed away. I'm on to whatever stage anger is. I'm angry that she is dead. I'm angry that she left me here in a pit of sharks to fend for myself. I have had 2 mental breakdowns in the span of 4 days. Not because she has since moved on, but because my sister and "father" are complete sad sacks of shit. I've been through a range of "im going to go get my urns and not go to her funeral", i've been going through the "im changing my number and never giving it to anyone ever again". When my mother got sick, my family unit died. She was the she was the tape.....the wrapping paper.....and the old recycled amazon box that kept this christmas present together. Without her, we are 4 grown ass adults (i'm including my nephew in here) that dont particularly like each other ..... I cant stand my sister and "father" for the lack of compassion and care for other people. I'm a push over, they both know if they beat me down enough i'll just roll over.

My brain is soup. I have to deal with her IRA benefits, the woman whom i talked to, sweet lady i remember 0 of what she said....... I had a long talk with moms bank guy, except for what i wrote down, i remember nothing of that conversation.

Also, we put in on a house to move....and it turned out that they are a shit realty place.....so we got our money back, looking at another house tomorrow. 

Have a good day, night, whatever time you see this....

-wasp

 

.........

1. Write 10 positive affirmations about yourself and then speak them out loud to me. 

2. I choose nail polish or clothing/underwear/hair. 

• Master chooses: “Wear a dress tonight.”
• Controlled choice: “Choose three dresses; I'll pick one.”
• Guidance: “Wear something that makes you feel beautiful.”
• Complete autonomy: “Your clothes are entirely your choice.”

And you and Sky can decide which areas belong in which category.

3. COLOR of clothing by day!

4. Kneel for three minutes in private and reflect on what you can do for her today. Report back.

5. Treat yourself like a game designer. A Mistress who thinks of herself as designing an experience will do better than one who just hands out chores. Good game designers iterate constantly. They watch what’s working, tune what isn’t, and aren’t afraid to throw out a task that turned out to be a dud. Apply that same mindset to your dynamic.

What makes you feel most like my fox?”
“What kind of rules feel exciting rather than stressful?”
“What kind of praise really gets to you?”
“What should Master never do?”
“What do you want more of?”

 

 

A good task system should give her a sense of purpose and accomplishment, not just make her dread receiving instructions. 

“Tasks are often aligned with the type of submission that a sub is practicing.”

This is saying that tasks should actually fit the relationship.

If Sky's submission is heavily based around service, tasks might involve acts of service.

If her submission is more about ritual and protocol, tasks might involve rituals.

If she's your little fox, tasks might incorporate your particular fox/Master language and routines.

So you shouldn't just grab random rules from a BDSM website and pile them onto Sky.

The tasks should mean something to the two of you.

 

1. Write me 3 things you are grateful for.

2. Read things and discuss it with Master.

3. Punishment: Listen to something you dont like then tell me about it. 

4. WRITE ABOUT OUR EXPERIENCE AT THE HOTEL

5. Write me a letter every day that is loving to me. Dont fake emotions you arent feeling. Tell me about your day: 

• What You accomplished
• What was difficult
• How you are feeling
• Something you enjoyed
• Something you need help with
• Something you are proud of. 
• I wanna know what is happening with my Fox, not just that you are obeying me. 

6. Write me something telling me what being my Fox means to you. 

7. I want you to grow as a person too. If you are still interested in drawing, then I want you to draw me something. 

8. We will read the same book, and talk about each chapter together and talk about it. 

9. Tell Master three things about your day.

10. Write about something that made you proud today.

11. Spend 30 minutes drawing, or doing a meditation, the choice is yours. 

12. Write down something you appreciate about us.

13. 

Little Fox's Rules 1. Must be up by 9:30

2. Must send a text saying good morning Master and send a selfie

3. Must ask permission for purchases above $20

4. Must ask permission for self pleasure 5. Must only eat between 12-6, must have water each day

6. Must always respect when Master is busy with responsibilities

7. Must say goodnight Master before bed

Today is a "dont stop until all the shit is done" kind of a day. I got all moms bills paid, i even paid off her cellphone, and am making moves to pay off my nephews phone that is on her account as well. I am trying to scrimp and save everywhere i can.  By next month her credit card will be paid off and gone, i'm attempting to fix her car insurance as she doesnt need the astronomical amount she has, as she isnt driving her car and i only drive it to my back yard to park once a month. The creature who shall not be named got his 1600 SS check yesterday, and has already spent 500 of it. Hes not a me problem anymore, i paid the cable bill, and he can deal with his other child now.  I emailed the financial advisor, I dealt with my landlord, I put in an application for another place to live (dont EVEN get me started about that process)....   Hospice says mom is in her active dying stage. They asked my sister if there was anyone she was holding on to say bye to..... i said "death doesnt work like that". Am I the only one who 1. thinks hospice/old age homes are just con shows and 2. find no comfort in these people being around?  My sister swears by the chaplin (no pun intended) says she doesnt preach the bible and is really nice.... that i should talk to her. Lets see, a religious person, whos paid to make the end of days easier on the family? no thanks.... i'm fine on my own. i dont need to talk to anyone else. I might seek out a support group when all is said and done, but i just think the whol hospice ordeal is a con game. "shes in her end of days......".... they tell us this every week. She was awake, asking for food and refusing pain meds when i last saw her. End of days? 2 weeks ago she was drooling on herself and speaking incoherently. I'd say the way she was monday was an imporvement. Hanging on for someone? my mother is a tough old bird who will only leave this mortal coil when she is good and god damn ready. I know there is a little lady in there, grandpa joeing her way around..... i try and be nice to hospice, the nurses, because they take care of her when i cant, but i just think its a way to get more money.    oh well, i am off to do something? I hope the day finds you well.    xWasp

One day, I hope you stand in front of a mirror and face the truth of what you did to me was not just wrong.. it was cruel.. it was heartless.. it was pure evil. You were never honest with me, so at least be honest with yourself. Deep down, you know how badly you hurt me. I hope that in the middle of your busy life, when everything feels fine, you pause for a moment and when you close your eyes, I hope you remember everything... the lies, the betrayal, talking to me like you hate me, all the fights you started over nothing, how you made me feel small while I loved you with all I had, forcing me to go through pregnancy with our son alone, making me go to all his appointments alone, but worst of all making me bury our baby boy all alone. I hope my love stays with you like a quiet weight. Not loud enough to ruin you, but heavy enough to never escape it. And one day, in a quiet moment I hope you feel even a small part of the emptiness you left in me when you let me go like I meant nothing to you

We are trying super hard to get into this house we looked at the other day. We love it so so much. Getting out of this hellscape will be the best thing for us i believe. We've lived here for 4 years now and so far every year, theres been a shooting pretty damn close to our house. Last halloween there was even a cop that showed up on my doorstep wanting to know if we got any camera footage (we didnt) of the guy running away. It was insane. There were 2 kids (that i know of) that have gotten killed on their way home from the highschool down the street (the one middle kid used to go to)..... theres gangs and drugs, and i'm pretty sure the guy who parked in my parking spot yesterday was here to buy or sell drugs to my neighbor. We live in a row of houses where the neighbor we are attached to, the neighbor across the alley from them, the neighbors attatched to them and the ones across the alley from us are all related somehow, plus the ones that live a couple houses down in the back. We feel very out of place here, and this was never supposed to be a permanent thing... but 4 years later, here we are.  Found an amazing house, for less money with more stuff (attic, hoses, a back and a front porch, a garage, a place for me to have a garden...... our neighbor even has a pear tree (which maybe when i get my garden going i can trade for some pears), fingers crossed for this.    My sister is a twat waffle..... she keeps insisting i prepay for funerals, which i cant because the money isnt there, and also i know for a fact that funeral homes do payment plans. She tells me that i just need to cut a check now, but when i got on their website it says i can pay it overtime, its not like shes fucking dead right now....... ALSO shes planning a trip up next week to see mom...... i havent seen her in a month and i'd like to keep it that way.    The "father" who shall not be named, burned through 1500 in a week.... A WEEK. and my sister has weasled me into continuing to pay for the electric and the water, i just want this nightmare over with.    She swears that mom left money aside for the man who shall not be named. she SWEARS.... because she'd never leave him like that, with nothing. Yes, yes she would. Hes manipulative and a horrible narcissitic toxic piece of crap.... she absolutely would.    Also, myself and moms hospice lady friend got down to the root of the problem yesterday. She doesnt so much mind TALKING to her husband.... she minds when hes there and touching on her and all of his i love yous and crap. They have been married 51 years this year, and in all of my 40 on this planet, i've never EVER seen them be loving towards each other. No kisses, no hugs, no cuddling, no hand holding, not even spending time in the same dang room. As far as i can remember he would come home from work, sit down and watch my sister and i clean, get dinner from mom when she came home and cooked it and then went upstairs to play video games. She would go upstairs after a few hours of us, or taking care of my nephew, or whatever, but she hadnt even slept in the same room as him for at least the last 15 years. So why are you starting with this i need to touch you and i need to love you bullshit..... no, just no. Shes not dumb, she can spot bullshit a mile away. You want her money and thats it. You dont get to pretend to love her when shes on her way out, thats for chumps and assholes.    Today, i am trying to get ahold of Crazy Joe and get her money moved so i can pay her living bill, and toy with the idea of calling the funeral home, because i feel like i'm being lied to..... she usually does anyway.    Have a wonderful day everyone. 

Last thing you said to someone: "Thats a lot of money....."
Last thing someone said to you: "Bring up the big black bin of legos, and done"
Last movie you watched: Ready or Not 2, i rather enjoyed it. 
Last show you watched: We started American Horror Story: Murder House last night
Last book you read: Catching Fire. Reading as a family as my husband has seen the movies but never read the books.
Last thing you ate: Waffles and sausage this morning for breakfast
Last thing you drank: Currently drinking a raspberry tea snapple
Last time you brushed your hair: a few days ago
Last time you changed your clothes: this morning so i could run errands
Last time you laughed: Last night.... the husband gave my sister a new nick name O'babs McJerky
Last time you slept:last night, from about 2 am until about 630 when my bladder woke me
Last call you made: Mom yesterday, she never answers though
Last call you received:  Husband yesterday. He forgot some work stuff at home and asked if i could bring it to him
Last email you sent: Yesterday to the home my mother lives in. 
Last email you received: The guy who runs the home getting back to me about papers i need them to sign.
Last game you played: We played Bread and Fred monday until frustration took over 
Last time you went outside: About an hour ago to take moms rent check to the post office
Last time you looked in the mirror: This morning, usually every morning
Last time you did laundry: A week ago ish
Last time you wrote something down on paper: i filled out my moms rent check, does that count?
Last time you used Chapstick: middle school?
Last thing you wrote online, not counting this survey: i commented on a group post i'm in about this lady not getting along well with her sister that i also dont get along well with mine.
Last thing you thought about before bed last night: what can i find on tik tok to watch?
Last person you missed: My nephew. Its been about a month since i've seen him and it will be another 2 before i see him again
Last song you listened to: Twisting the Knife - Ice Nine Kills and McKenna Grace
Last time you cried: Yesterday, when i realized the illness that has been bringing me down for 3 months is the stress my sister puts on me.... no wonder mom had a stroke.
Last sporting event you watched: i was watching a soccer match on the tv when i went to see nephews band a month ago.... so then?
Last time you had fast food: does 7-11 count? i had a hot dog on sunday, if not then i had a slush from sonic on sunday
Last song you sang to: Twisting the Knife - ice nine kills and mckenna grace
Last dream you had: last week..... i dont remember much of it now except mom got her hands cut off for some reason?
Last medication you took: aleve?..... maybe?.... like a year ago?
Last thing you bought: Drinks for everyone from sonic on our way home on sunday

CURRENTS

Sounds: Cars driving by outside, me typing on the keyboard and the AC running behind me
Drink: Snapple
Food: None right now
Clothes: Jean shorts and strapless flower shirt
Mood: stressed, angry
Wonder: if this will be the start of my villain origin story
Wallpaper: some weird bird thing? its moms computer.
Windows open: Bloop on the computer, facebook messenger on my phone
Annoyance: My sister.... always
What time is it? 11:12 am

WHAT WERE YOU DOING THIS TIME...

1 hour ago: sitting in the parking lot of the post office, looking for a specific conversation with my sister
2 hours ago: driving to said post office to pay moms rent
12 hours ago: getting ready to watch tv with the husband
Yesterday: driving to take my husband things he needed for work
Last week: i was packing up my bag to go on vacation. Vacation was had....it was glorious.

Cliff notes from the cell kinda day:

More family came to see mom over the weekend.  She thinks she's a burden and thanks to her husband just keeps on insisting on going home.  

They started her on oxycodone, for her pain.  To me that's like just making her comfy so she can die.  She's sleepy all the time because of it,  she's miserable and if thats how it's going just fucking end it.  I dont want her in pain anymore.  I miss my mom more with each passing day.  I just want to talk to her, the old her,  how she used to be.  

That's enough mope,  find your joy people. 

- Wasp

its been a little while. so heres a rundown,  i got my mothers car from" my dad", to which he threatened to call the cops on me, told me he wasnt my dad (like, biologically) and i got cut from the family...... oh darn. Mom is being cut from medicare on friday, and shes going to have to start paying out of pocket. 13k a month. Thank the gods for retirement, yeah? So her retirement will last about 2 years to which we are screwed, unless assclown (we like to call him Lloyd.... and if you dont know that scene from lego ninjago, look it up) dies first, then she makes low enough to qualify.  I am in charge of all of her money, and people are getting cut off come august. i'm lowering everything and paying everything off, so i can try and squeeze as much out of her retirement as possible. My sister is a pain, and everyone is just continously angry at me because i have to do things to make her stay afloat. On the bright side, we are going to virginia on saturday to see my nephews band play. I'm so super excited, ive never seen him play, only in videos.    this summer is just flinging by, and i just want to huddle away and pretend i dont exist.    Hope everyone is having a wonderful day, Wasp

Its been a few weeks. Trying to get this kid graduated and everything and my life has been hectic to say the least. I dont think i've picked up this computer in like 3 weeks, except to pay bills?.... who knows SO... the car. My mother was in an auto accident about 3 years ago, totaled her car. Saved the payout and bought a new one, out right, no car payment. So when she had her stroke my sister and i took over different power of attorneys for her, my sister is medical and i am financial. I pay her bills, i talk to her financial advisor, i own her property. My father has a gambling addiction to Pablo Escobar proportions and is not trusted with her money.... and honestly my sister is just a theif and i wouldnt trust her either. So i've been worried for a little while that while illegal, if my father needed money, he would sell her car. Her car, that is in HER name and she pays the insurance. So after talking to an agining attorney and local law inforcement it was confirmed that i was allowed to take possesion of her car. NOW..... my plan is to park it at my house, keep it maintained and if she goes home to drive, give it back. If not, sell it and use the money from it to keep her in the nursing home. That has been my plan since she went in the damn place. I brought this up to my sister, told her i just needed to find the title, and call it a day. Told her i planned to park it here and the only time i'll move it is to get it inspected and to the new house when we move in a few months. The words "I'm taking the car" were no sooner out of my mouth then she yelled I'LL TAKE IT!..... no, no you will not. She told me that she wanted it so she could get rid of her car and she wouldnt have a car payment anymore, and it just makes sense. So i asked why i wasnt allowed to keep it and get rid of MY car payment?..... yeah, yeah thats what i thought.   We had a talk about finances, actually it was more like i checked my mothers bank account after my sister had "come for a visit" and come to find out that 650 was missing..... BRUH, i told you if you were going to take money you needed to clear it with ME. "well she was very coherent and we were talking".... and the day before that she was planning a wedding for my dad and his ex wife and having an indepth conversation with my very real but very dead cousin, uncles, aunts, and my grandparents.....like when she stops seeing people outside in the tree talking to her and talking about the family member who is talking to her that has been dead for 20 years we can talk about her being coherent enough to spend money. Apparently when my sister goes to see her they go through her finances, and when i yelled at her for taking 650, and how am i supposed to pay storage and BOTH rents with 3000 (heres one for you math nerds, 1500 + 1500 =......) let me enlighten you, its 3000. i would of had 23$ left to pay for a 200$ storage space.... and all i get is "she said it was ok"..... yesterday she said her grilled cheese was floating on a plate of water, can we stop taking moms musings for face value?   it went on that shes jealous because mom and i have a good relationship (jfc maybe because i'm not almost 50 hitting her up for money every 30 seconds and i actually enjoy her company?) and that her son and i (hes 27) have a better relationship.... sorry? hes more trust worthy than you are?    This is going to be a long lifetime if my mother is destined for the nursing home. Maybe just throw everything to my sister and walk away, and let that ship implode. She is 47 y/o. Has always lectured ME on being independent and needing to do things for MYSELF and here she is getting my mother to pay her 2000 a month so she can live. ALSO i had noticed that my mother was getting these phone calls from an insurance company, and it isnt hers. She said she had no idea who they were so i called them and told them to take her off their call list she doesnt have an account. Come to find out, she does, its for my sisters car, of which she pays the payment for sometimes.....   i didnt ever want to know any of this. Can we just go back to 3 months ago when my mother was throwing thousands of dollars at my sister, screaming at me to just take the 50$ she feels like she owes me (balance of power mayhaps? ) and i dont have to know how much she financially helps my sister.    on the same tangent..... if my sister continued to take the same amount of money from my mother, but it was from her inheritance it would be enough for 6 years. Then she would be fucked.....    welp anywho..... hope everyone has a wonderful monday, holiday, whatever this is for you   -Wasp

I'm in the middle of a conundrum. I have control over my mothers finances, namely because the rest of my family that could be are complete numerical morons. My father has a gambling addiction and my sister well..... my sister is a spoiled rotten brat? shes always had everything handed to her. Over the past 4 years that shes moved and lived out of state my mother has been paying her rent.

My mother is in a nice new facility , as of yesterday.  I talked to crazy joe (her financial advisor ..... and if you get that refrence, 10 points to hufflepuff) and she said basically she has X amount of money. He told me numerous times  "i told her not to live to high above what she can, she doesnt like to listen. "  I told him i know. In the last 30 days she has given my sister over 5k and this is the first month where the bills, that get paid BY ME, have been tight. My sister takes $300 from her every time she comes up. When i mentioned crazy joe and his "well she has enough money to live for a few years, but well have to look at spending" and my sisters voice changed to a whimper of...... "what does he know.....:" which was code for "You cant do that to me, you cant cut me off.

So my conundrum comes in the form of, how mean do i want to be.  Do i want to have the hard conversation with her of , if mom doesnt pull out of this, you need to get a fucking job ,because i'm going to fucking cancel auto pay on your shit. That will go over like a fart in church as I just asked why my mother is paying for 2 HBO subscriptions (her own and my sisters) when it could be 1 and maybe she should switch to a free music service (her amazon music is 12$) and i got met with ThAt Is My OnLy EsCaPe FrOm ThIs DoNt TaKe It AwAy (which im not, i was just saying heeeeeey maybe we should cut corners? so she has more money? since you know you took 5000 from her last month, and that doesnt even include the  150 i put on the discover card for you.....

I was tasked this morning with talking to the financial advisor and being told that i didnt do enough , and didnt ask the right questions and now she feels like she doesnt know anything. COOL. I dont need you to know anything..... im just in a horrible mind state currently.....

my brain is soup and i am a fork....

i dont know if anything made sense in this.....

hope ya'll are having a magical friday

-Wasp

....be with you I said i was going to come here and write about my thoughts and all the shit i have going on in my life and then I just sat and stared at this screen for 3 days. Its already May 4th and i cant for the life of me figure out where the time went this year. I'm currently eyeballs deep in bullshit and how to fix it all, i'm not sure. I have a child who is hell bent on joining the military. Why, because its their call for civil duty? No, because they plan to go to college  " a lot" and want the military to pay for that. What comes along with that though is benefits for other people involved, like a spouse. I got a bomb dropped on me that my 18 y/o plans to marry their SO this summer so that they can share the money from the military and the SO can get health care and benefits and a place to live (mind you, all of these things are already had) while they go off to....Iran? presumably? So my 18 y/o who cant remember a schedual, still has screaming crying crash outs, cant remember jack nor shit, has never had a moment of aloneness to figure themselves out in this world..... is getting MARRIED over the summer...... are you insane? an 18 y/o and a 19 y/o playing house, with grown up shit........ This is on top of my mom. She suffered a stroke back at the end of march and her care is running out. Once they kick her out of the now 3rd place shes been in come wednesday, i have no idea what to do. Looking at other long term rehabs, which no one will listen to me on the best one. She could go home but she wont get the rehab she needs at home.... she has a good chunk of money from retirement and she doesnt qualify for medicade because of that..... i have no idea what to do about any of this. I want to run away and never come back. Being forced into relationships with people that i hate because of this.... i just want to change my number and run away   yay for rambles, i'm sorry. Hope everyone is having a good monday..... is that a thing?

This is pretty bare bones for the moment, as i dont have the HTML knowledge i once did and i dont know the people i once did on here. 

I'll get around to making it look nice. Hope everyone is having a great day. I havent written here in about 10 years and i dont even know whos still around.

The name is Wasp. I hope to write in here more often.

what do you do when you are 42 with a part time job and more bills than money? I am having a panic attack!! as we get closer to closing my moms estate a couple bills are past due by a couple months, im going to use my federal tax refund to make a payment on one to bring it down. None of the applications that i have put in for full time positions since my mother passed in August 25 have panned out. I think im on my 150th application with only 1 interview that didn't go anywhere! I am at my whit's end.... Do i take out a home equity line of credit? so somethings are consolidated and paid off so there not little payments? 

Bills:

PHone bill - 140

st loans 160 Remaining balance is $8k 

cancer policy 1 67.10

cancer policy 2 44.48

Electric bill $35 ( ty solar)

gARBAGE BILL BEHIND : SO ITS $400

propane /ethanol bill $4k also behind ( this is where my $600 tax reffund is going)

Dog: Needs Shots ( $300)

Grocries are about $150-160 every two weeks

my Car payment is $181 every two weeks

my bf  has his phone, car and pay for our car insurance

Insurance will go up in may DUe to (house, farm ground libiality and the 2 cars will all be on one policy) 840 a month unless i can get cheaper somewhere but my moms's current company was $20 difference... so 

 Capital one cc 1800 maxed out

Citi credit 900 maxxed out

I just want to work a full time job, with less crazyness than my part time job. This past week i've covered for co-workers who were sick, got written up for missing things on Food safety eval, and for not paying attention to something very criticial. I already told my boss i don't think Im manager material. I mean when i accepted this promotion it was only a manager on paper  the only things i had to do was open the store and count the safe that was it... Now Im expected to do all the mangerial things without much training.  Its so over whelming. What is communicated as expected and what is dont match up and so i get all confused as to what is really expected of me. 

This week for work i will open once with a new person who will be on thier Second day, and 2nd time with someone i normally open with.  I am scared I am going to get fired before I find something else.. and i really need to find something.

 

My Avon has been slow as hell as well.  so i've been debating giving it up after being in for over 15years this year. *sighZ* i just need something to go my way for once. 

 

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im crying. im over it. i cant take on much more. im a mom of 3. i work part time as a school van driver. i am a full time student. i am married. there are 5 people in my  home. me, husband, 3 kids (2,4,12). just got off the phone with unemployment for an appeal i filed for being denied on some bullshit technicalities with my claim. i filed my claim incorrectly, but i didnt even know i filed incorrectly until i got denied and then i spoke to a rep who helped me file the backdate claims. still denied. no compassion at all. this is TWICE now that unemployment has denied me. (first time was bc I was a few hundred short of the monetary threshold to qualify so i had to go all last summer without an income.I am so sick of getting shafted by them. i have schoolwork to do, just now am getting a moment to do it but now i am so fucking defeated and angry that i dont even want to do it now. i dont want to do anything anymore. I tried to keep my bloodpressure down by doing some laundry but even that pisses me off. I an ONE person. who does laundry for FIVE people. for every basket I get washed and folded when I can, 5 more pop up. i ask for help. i have to wait weeks or months for it. no one in my house knows how to take initiative to do a goddamn thing without being asked to do it. Iask them to make sure their laundry atleast gets into one of the MILLION FUCKING BASKETS i bought. they dont do it. i ask them to put away their own fucking clothes after I wash and fold them. they dont. i got pissed one ay and told them that i wasnt doing any more laundry if its not in a fucking basket. they dont care. i ask for SIMPLE THINGS to be done to make my tasks easier and THEY JUST DONT FUCKING DO IT.

 I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ASK. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ASK. THEY LIVE HERE TOO. 

same thing with the fucking dishes. I ask them not to take  dishes upstairs. they do it anyway. i ask them to rinse the dishes after using them. they dont. I ask for help with dishes maybe once a fucking week. nope. im sick of it. i cant keep going like this. I am one person trying to clean up after 4 other people, while doing all of my own shit and I. JUST. CANT.

I havent had a fucking car in 5 months since my jeep died. plan was to get a new car with our refund. then we get told the landlord is selling the house in march and we have to move. AGAIN. same thing happened to us last fucking year. so now the refund needs to be used to move. goodbye getting a fucking car i guess. im going crazy. my depression is coming back. i cry alot again. i want to disappear alot again. i dont like my family right now. i dont like my life right now. i dont like me right now. something needs to change.

i figured i would go back to school to try and make my, our, futures brighter by getting a better job with my degree when i return back to work full time. but im only half way through my FIRST semester out of 4 to get that degree and everything is just so fucking hard to manage and i get no support from anyone.i get no me time. no peace. 

i need a break. i need a vacation. but we cant afford it. and even if we could, HE wont save his paid time for us to be able to take a vacation. i ask him not to use it all. its only february and he has already blown through over half of his paid time. theres no way in hell hes giong to have any left for us to attempt a vacation in the summer. 

is this really just how life is for a mom and a wife? really...? constantly shit on. constantly expected to take care of everything. to make it all work. no help. have to ask for it if i want it. dont get it anyway most times unless i end up having to yell. them im the asshole for yelling.

this is stupid. i dont want to do this anymore. i know this is temporary, but goddamn, why does it have to be so fucking hard?!?!?!

I have so many questions... and a lawyer is expensive... but i definately need one i have 60 acres and a house and bills now..

LIke if i leave to my nephews and something happens to them  who do i leave it to? do i leave those instructions in my will do i have to come up with that?

Also i maybe be inheriting from my dads brothers their parents farmground... even tho they both have one child still living. do i make provisions for that as well ? 

i did take a step today and asked someone to be my exeuctor. so that is at least done... but i have soooo many questions.

and my moms probate isn't even finished yet....

*sighZ*

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves