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So after Ali blurted out that we shouldnt ever sleep together again I just shook my head, turned around and walked away. She asked me what was wrong and I just said, I really dont get how you just cant accept any feelings and you walk away from everything. I shut the door to my room before I could let her get a word in and she didnt come knocking to talk about it so I kinda got my answer right then and there. I was getting madder than hell just thinking about everything and all the words she said.


After a few days of not seeing each other or talking, we sat down one night and just hashed things out. We agreed to just stay friends and see what happens. So, fast forward a bit, the whole friends deal went out the window real quick. We spent the next several weeks acting as if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. It was awesome, we didnt ever talk about a relationship yet we spent every moment possible together. We went out on dates, held hands, did stupid childish things but we laughed the whole time. Not once did we ever talk about making things official or utter the word relationship. I guess you could say friends with benefits type of deal.


So this went on for a little over a month and at this point I think there was only about 3 months left on our apartment lease and there was no talk of us continuing to live together. Anyway, over the course of the month or so that Ali and were acting like boyfriend/girlfriend, all of our friends in our group would secretly ask us whats going on, are we dating? And we never really said anything, it was more like, were just having fun and going with the flow. My buddies would come up to me at work and were like, so what the hell is going on with you and Ali and I would be like, not really sure, just chilling and enjoying each others company.


I guess in a way it was probably a little awkward for all our friends, I mean, we had the same circle of friends. So, things were good, my job was going great, I had a booming social life, I was just in a really good spot in my life....or so I thought. Our friends wanted to have a big night out and this is where this chapter starts its end. We all made it up to be a big deal, we got all dressed up to the 9s, made dinner reservations at a nice restaurant, it was going to be a great night. Once everyone got together it was so much fun, all the women looked great and the guys got all suited up, it was so much fun. Dinner was awesome and then we decided to hit up a local bar around the corner.


We got into the bar and it was super crowded but we found a nice corner in the upstairs bar where we could all sit and talk. Great atmosphere with great people that night, a night I will never forget, and for more reasons than one. It was one of those nights, where everything just felt right. Im downstairs with P and hes like man, you should really talk to Ali tonight about where yall stand. I thought about it and said you know what, might as well go for it and hopefully get a straight answer....

 

..to be continued..


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Recent Forum Reply
Forum Thread: Hello πŸ‘‹
Forum: General Discussion
I forgot to mention that I am Sambuca! Lol
So today was better than yesterday
by 🎻 Sambuca Darling 🎻

in which I didn't have the damn flu like yesterday. I think that getting ill with the flu is better than catching covid non? I am double vaxxed so... No worries there.

I am addicted to Glee. I love Mr. Shue and Kurt. πŸŒ·πŸ˜ƒ

Anyways, I will pretty-fy this blog tomorrow mmkay?

Love you! Sambuca Darling

 


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Ryan
by valencia
Ryan is coming for new years I am so damn excited.

Hopefully by that time I have a more clear vision of when I am moving so it might be a new year where he is roadtripping with me to California or he goes back on the plane..we will see but I am excited I get to see him very soon.

So we are averaging about every three months of seeing each other. Not bad at all.
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So I'm going into week 4 of school.  I should be getting my iPad this week, and then in 3 months I should get my gaming laptop, my VR sets and all of the things I need for class.  Right now I'm in Creative Presentation and luckily so far I've gotten all 100s.  I'm bout to submit week 3's assignment and then I won't have to do anything til Monday.  At the end of week 4 I move into Psychology of Play....doesn't sound very interesting but I'm determined.  Then I have Technology in the Entertainment and Media Industries....and then Discrete Mathematics.  I hope you all are doing well!!!!


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I have a family member who is stressing me out.  She is making me both worried for her well-being and pissed off for her current actions.  Her actions are directly affecting 4 other people in her immediate family.  They are also affecting herself and will for years...if not her relationship with others.  I love her more than life itself but I cannot talk to her right now.  It is too much too soon.  I was just getting to the point that I could talk to her again after she strained our relationship with other actions from about 1.5 years ago.  

She is engaging in life choices that will hurt her.  She has left her husband and, effectively, abandoned her grown children.  She has shut out her daughter and dropped her oldest son (who has health problems that need supervision) upon another family member.  I am so thankful that her middle child is not at home to deal with this daily.  I do not even know how much he is aware of her downfall.  I have shown support to all the people she has directly caused pain and grief.  I cannot at this time show support to her.  I do not feel like she deserves it....on an elemental level.    

My family member who has taken in her oldest son is stepping up to the plate.  They are taking steps to make him more independent, which has been needed for awhile. He knows that I am here if he needs me as well.  They all know that I am here for them.  It pains me to not be able to show the person causing all the problems.  

I don't know what else to say about this.  I just needed to vent.  It is stressing me out a lot.  

 

On another note, tomorrow is my niece's 19th birthday.  I wish I could celebrate with her personally but we live in different towns.  She is going through personal issues of her own...on many fronts, and I wish I could be there to give her a big hug.  I am not a hugger, people...not by a long shot.  If I deign to give you a hug or receive one from you, feel very special.  It means I trust you in my bubble...and that is rare.   

 

Anyway, I am out of here for now...--Your friendly neighborhood stress machine, Robyn


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Toxicity
by valencia
I have realized a few months ago that I have trauma from past relationships. Like I am the toxic one and I am trying to change myself to be a better version of myself but also not to excuse my behavior, I am going through a lot right now in my personal life outside of my relationship with Ryan. I have basically been abandoned by my dad and my brother. It is fucking sad but I got tired of the verbal abuse and I need to cut negativity out of my life. I am so toxic that every time I am mad or sad I break up with Ryan, it is so bad. It is such a bad and terrible thing to do. He does not deserve the way i treat him sometimes. I love him so much but also I always feel he will leave me or break up with me or abandon me. I have terrible abandonment issues stemming from my child hood and my past relationships. The weird thing is growing up if my parents fought my dad would threaten divorce or want to leave and I believe whole heartedly that my issues are stemming from that. If me and Ryan have kids one day I do not want to have that kind of toxic around my family and kids. Ryan has done nothing except love me, and yes he is not perfect, but he at least tries and he has improved so much from when we first started dating. He is not abusive at all to me, never has cussed at me or been mean to me. I am the toxic one in this relationship and I refuse to let my past dictate my future. It is not healthy to hold a card such as breaking up every time I don't get my way or we have a disagreement that 90% of the time I cause because I am scared.

I am scared of so much but also not scared if that makes sense. I am scared of Ryan abandoning me, ghosting me or telling me that our relationship was one big joke, like that is how fkd in the head and my thought process is. These are irrational thoughts. When I think those thoughts, I start believing that will happen which is not good then I start accusing Ryan of cheating, or just projecting in general. We have been together almost two years, and he has never cheated on me, but yet here I am accusing him of this bullshit.

When I am happy, I get so excited about moving and I am trying to have more positive thoughts in my head.
I am on anti-depressants but I upped my dosage to four pills a day, two in the morning, and two in the evening. My doctor had told me that if I felt one pill (twice a day) was not enough then to up it. I feel like it is making a difference. I want to change and I know I can change but the PTSD from my childhood and my previous relationships is making it hard. I will start counseling again very soon, to help myself and our relationship. I also promised Ryan that I will not break up with him anymore, because I know it affects him and I need to stop being selfish. I been selfish in this relationship and it is not fair to Ryan at all. He doesn't deserve me doing that. When stuff gets tough I quit and so when we have an argument instead of being an adult and fixing it the right way by communicating I just shut down and just break up with him. I have blocked him so many times, that habit has gone away. I have not done it since June I believe and now I promised him I will not break up with him just because we have an argument. I need to learn how to handle arguments like an adult.

I miss Ryan so much and I hate being away from him and I was scared to move, and I was talking to a friend of mine about that and he was like ," you can always move back". I am like so true but also I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't move and at least try , because it is worth it. I am worth it, our relationship is worth it and he is worth it. I know being scared is a very rational thought because it is scary but also you have to do what makes you happy because we only live once.

I believe in my heart that we are meant to be together and we will be fine especially after I move. I am putting everything in storage, at least my dishes, and the sofas because I need to have a backup, and we can always come back to get it . I rather just take my clothes, laptop and a few things I might need like my crockpot and stuff, and of course Lucky. Also I decided that in order to move sooner, I am going to rent a room for now until I am settled and until Ryan saves money so we can get our own place. I can't afford an apartment by myself but I can afford a room until I am settled and also so I can establish an address for Resume purposes, because I am not having any luck. I know once I move though I will find a job. You have to take chances in life and this is one of those things to take a chance on.

We will be fine but I need to fix myself and get over my trauma and PTSD from my father growing up always threatening abandonment and also past relationships where I was always cheated on and never made a priority. And I know Ryan has his issues growing up in a divorce environment and I don't make it any easier by breaking up constantly. And plus it is not healthy. So yes good people can be toxic and that is me but I will change.

I also feel like I don't deserve good things in my life so I just sabotage stuff, and I do a lot of self-sabotaging that I need to stop. My whole life I heard from people that I don't deserve to be loved, or that I am a terrible person and this is by family. Like my own dad one time told me no man will ever be with you because of your disability, which is really the moved fucked up thing you can tell anyone let alone your OWN DAUGHTER. My brother is not much better, he recently told me when Ryan finds out who I am as a person, he will leave me. I told him Ryan knows everything about me, I don't keep anything from my partner. Ryan knows all my struggles and he still loves me. He knows all about my disability and still has chosen to love me. My boyfriend is more loving and more accepting to me than my own dad. I also have self-esteem issues because of the above but also my dad never complimented me growing up and so I feel like now that is why I am looking to be complimented. I grew up always wanting my dad's affection and love and never really getting it. He always complimented my cousins and always would say see you need to lose weight and be like that and things to that affect. That has honestly not helped my relationship because I start projecting to Ryan and thinking that he has the same thoughts my dad has, and then I am like wtf that is silly because he would not be dating me if he was not attracted to me like it is common sense obviously but like I said sometimes I don't have rational thoughts. Like how fucked up is to think your own boyfriend is not attracted to you, that is really fucked up thinking. Then I start seeking for his attention and then we start arguing and then rinse and repeat. It is not fair to Ryan at all. I never realized many things from my childhood followed me in adulthood, I always thought I had a decent upbringing and I did for the most part but my dad was very toxic and verbally abusing towards his family and I did not know how much that affected me until very very recently. Call me naΓ―ve but I did not even know you could get PTSD as a person because of past relationships whether it be love or family, or platonic. I plan on being the best version of my self, and I also want to start working out. I am worth it and my relationship is worth it.

Wow I unpacked a lot tonight and I feel a lot better. I been an emotional mess these last few days. I feel very very lonely because my dad lives in the same town as I do and he does not give a fuck about me. My mom's family are fucking pissed off at him because he chose a woman over his children. I hope these are my last holidays without Ryan. I can't wait to start a life with him. I also have to remind myself daily that I am pretty, and that my boyfriend loves me and wants to be with me. Because my other toxic trait is me bowing out of the relationship before he does, because I always think when he messages me that he will break up with me or say he loves someone else instead of me which both of things have happened to me with my ex and I think that is a large reason I get anxiety when he messages me on Facebook or he posts something on Facebook. Because guess how I found out my ex was dating someone else while dating me was through Facebook. I also did not know that is one of my triggers and obviously it is not Ryan's fault because he has not done anything wrong but it is one of my triggers. When a girl posts something under his posts, I automatically think he is going to leave me for her which is another irrational thought. Like how the fuck does that make sense, I have such a low view of myself that I automatically think just because a girl posts a comment under his posts he will fall in love with her. Like I have major major trust issues, and in the beginning I trusted him a million percent but then I fell in love with him and I started getting jealous and insecure. His posts on Facebook are mostly memes and political posts to debate about, so he is literally not doing anything wrong but my irrational thoughts take over and I start confronting him because of something like that. That is not fair to him at all. I know my issues though and I need to work on myself. I refuse to live like this. This is not right to him, and I am such an asshole to a guy that fucking loves me and accepts me for who I am. He doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.

The funny thing about all this is our issues in person are basically non-existent because we do a decent job communicating when we are in person of course it could always improve and it has but our issues in person are nothing like our online relationship. We are also the type of couple that likes to be out and about and we want to share all these experiences and traveling together which is great for both of us. I feel in my heart that this is the right person for me and that I can change for the better and be my best personal self. He deserves the best version of me and of course vice versa. Like I said Ryan is not perfect he can definitely improve on his communication issues but it is fixable. Our foundation is good and I think we are both good decent people that love each other and refuse to give up on each other. I know once we are together in person and starting our lives together we will improve a lot. Whenever I think of the future, I always think of us together and happy. And that is what I want. We are just the type of couple that thrives in a relationship in person and at least I know that we can thrive and be the best version of ourselves because it has been like that before. We mesh so well in person and we get along great in person. He gives me tons of attention and loves on me in person and it feels right. When I am in his arms, I am finally home. He is my person but I need to get over my insecurities. So counseling I will be doing again until I move and also I want to start going on hikes and working out now that the weather is cooler and of course taking my medicine.

I think I unpacked a lot tonight, and probably will add more later but I need to get to sleep for work. I work mornings in the office and come home after 11 AM and work the rest of the day at home. I love this schedule and when I get the guts to ask my boss if I can work at home permanently I will ask him. I want to ask him but I am scared to get told No and I hate that about myself because I hate rejection so bad that I just avoid asking anyone for help or anything. But the other side of my brain is well what if he says yes, then you can move in December instead of January. So I need to get up the courage and ask.

I am also trying to get Ryan to come visit for new years but we will see. I need to figure stuff out in regards to work situation.

Anyways I really need to end this, but I got so much off my chest tonight and I feel so much better.

Peace-Valencia
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What I Said.
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

People Are Strange. 

Hey we havent talked yet but I wanted to say hi and ask how you are? 

I am ok. Been very ill and taken down physically and now financially. I am praying that my fundraiser that I posted will be sucessful. My mom they said has up to 6 momths to live. I pray for her and I that all the physical things wrong will be healed. There is alot going on, and hope my life can still be saved. Sorry, I know that was TMI really. But you asked!!! Lol. Are you ill or how did we get connected? I talk alot sometimes, and other times not at all. 


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Was asked by people to post this again without the extra explaining. Most of you know me. ( Some in person, too! )  Anyways. 1. I only need help till I am on my feet which will be happening early in the new year, and I am willing to reimburse people for their help. No amount is too small, I am grateful. I also have a PayPal if that is easier for people and that is  bigrain007@yahoo.com   Okay so, My father got angry and threw out my herbs. 5 years worth. Thousands of dollars went down the toilet. Incredibly devastated about it to say the least. 2. I nee more borax and epsom salt to do what I have to do to survive till I can replace some of the herbs that I had previously been able to take. 3. Organic food ( Fruit veggies. )  Thank you so much if you help and if you find yourself unable, please share this. Thank you so much either way. xoxoxo


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I realize I talk alot so I will try to make this short and sweet. I need help with 1. Getting the supplies I need to properly deep clean this house because of mold, kerosene, and other things in the air that have effected us including formaldehyde. 2. Re locating is my goal in order to save not only myself but my mother as well. Its the way it is. If God wants her to come home then I cant do much abotu that but if not? How can I sit by knowing that a good chunk of her sympoms and my own are caused by living here? Thank you guys so much. And gals. <3 Here is the link: Or The PayPal is    bigrain007@yahoo.com

https://www.gofundme.com/f/htmqfz-help

 


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last night
by *Ariel*

Last night Nick came round and I was in a fowl mood, sick of people, not feeling too great. And Nick just kept trying to be childish and aid he was trying to lighten the mood, however I said its not what I want at the moment.

He kept looking at me and saying how much he loved me and I said it wasn’t helping, but he kept doing it.

Is it wrong to expect someone to listen to what im saying and maybe try to act in a way that helps me out rather than pisses me off more?

He also gave me a gorgeous necklace that made me upset, because it said about soulmates and how he wants to be my last everything, and I said im just worried because I am disconnecting myself from him because of how he keeps treating me, and he just kept saying he is working on himself and we will be fine. And I felt like he wasn’t listening or didn’t want to listen to what I was saying.


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So Ali was standing there asking if she could come and sleep in my bed. I asked her if something had happened and she said no, she just didnt want to sleep on the couch and didnt want to sleep by herself. Of course like an idiot, I let her come in. She slipped under the covers and my heart started racing. In that moment I really questioned what the hell I was doing. I should have said no cause I needed to protect my heart, yet here I was just getting heart and my feelings all torn apart again.


Ali kept to her side of the bed for a few minutes and didnt say anything. I said nothing, I literally just wanted to sleep cause I had to get up at 5 and go into work so I needed as much sleep as I could get since I had quite a bit to drink that evening. But yea, that lasted no more than five minutes and already Ali had made her way over to my side of the bed and she wanted to cuddle. I caved so hard, I had no control, completely powerless to this girl. Im not gonna lie, it felt really good to have her wrapped up in my arms again. I feel asleep really fast and Im assuming she did the same.


I think I woke up a couple hours later and Ali was still wrapped up in my arms. I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back in, Ali had woken up. I crawled back under the sheets and Ali went in for the kill, she kissed me and that just sparked a whole lot of feelings and emotions. And well, one thing led to another and Ali and I had sex that night. I woke up the next morning and got ready for work. I woke Ali up and told her she should put some clothes on and go back out onto the couch, cause I know she wouldnt want her parents to find her in my room, naked, sleeping in my bed.


So I went to work and just got back to the grind and work really helped take my mind off of everything. P was at work as well so it was nice to talk to him and catch him up on everything. He said the same thing that everyone was thinking, why the fuck did I let her in my room and why the hell did I give in to sleeping with her.?? So P made me feel a little bad about the deal but that was okay, I deserved it, I should have never let her in my room. Anyway, I only had to work for a few hours and I hadnt heard anything from Ali so I went on back to the apartment.


I walked in and Ali was cleaning up the kitchen and her parents had left to go back home. I looked at her and said hey and she smiled real big and say hey!! I thought, ok, shes happy, somethings up. I asked how she felt and what her parents had said before they left. She was in a good mood and said her parents really enjoyed hanging out and getting to know me. Its always nice to hear those things and I enjoyed meeting her parents as well. So then Ali said hey, about last night....and I was like yea?? She said she didnt regret anything and that she had missed me but didnt realize how much she missed me. I told her I felt the same and it was nice to feel that feeling again with her. Then she blurted out, no hard feelings but we cant do that ever again okay????


...to be continued...


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So yea, it was awkward, it was unexpected and I hated the way it was going. I started to have a ton of regret for moving in with Ali. Once she started bringing guys home, it was the end of the line. I never felt comfortable seeing her walk in with some random guy. I wondered what the hell she was trying to prove? This went on for a few weeks and I finally caught her on a random night where she was by herself on the couch. I asked her if we could talk and of course, we shared a bottle of wine and chatted the whole evening.


I got a lot off my chest and Ali got nothing out of it. She was clearly not into me at all and could care less that I had any sort of lingering feelings for her. She had been out doing her own thing and I was sitting around every night clinging to an ounce of hope that I could rekindle the friendship into more than just being friends. And much as my heart hurt, I was glad we had the talk and I knew where I stood with her. The only problem was that in the coming days, I started to have really bad panic attacks/anxiety issues. I found myself feeling overwhelmed and dizzy most of the day.


I knew it was all stress related and I needed to take a break. I drove down to the beach that weekend and spent some time on my families boat. I literally just left it in the slip and just spent a couple days sitting, drinking and just thinking. I couldnt really clear my head, I have always lived my life that when I see something I want, I set my mind to it and I always work till I get what I want. Thats worked for me in my career and with relationships as well. Whenever I saw a girl I liked, whether I knew her or not, I made it a point to make her like me and honestly, I always won in the end. Sure the relationships didnt always last but I awlays got the girl. And in terms of my career, I continued to be successful and promoted in my industry, I just refused to accept failure or rejection.

 

After I got back from the beach Ali told me that her parents were coming into town and they were going to stay in our apartment. I had never met her parents and at this point I was so depressed that things werent working out that I didnt give a shit. Fast forward to the weekend and her parents showed up, they were actually pretty cool to hang out with. They insisted that I had dinner with them so I agreed. Her mom cooked a meal for us and we all sat around and drank tons of wine and honestly, it was a great time. We had a lot of laughs, it was a nice night and it got my mind off track a bit which was nice. So as the night was winding down Ali said she was going to sleep in the living room on the couch and her parents were going to sleep in her bed.

 

So I helped clean everything up and at this point it was close to midnight and we had all had plenty to drink. I showered and hopped into bed. I was dead asleep when I got woken up by a knock on my door. It wasnt a loud knock either, it was a soft one, so I knew it was Ali. I leaned over opened the door and sure as shit, it was Ali. And of course, she was only wearing an oversized sweatshirt, nothing else. I woke up real quick cause she was looking incredible in the dimmly lit hallway outside my bedroom. I was like whats going on?? She said to me, can I come and sleep in your bed with you??


..to be continued..


0 likes, 2 comments
Fake Fantasies
by Concrete Rose
I'm at work and all I can think about is Mark.

I mean, I've never stopped thinking about him. But in the last week, I literally cannot stop. And the more I think about him, the more upset I get. I cry all the fucking time.

I've been okay the last month, right? I wasn't crying every fucking day. I wasn't bawling my eyes out. I wasn't crying after every orgasm. I didn't have urges to call him or txt him or email him.

But ever since his fucking birthday, I have been a hot mess. His fucking birthday set me off.

On Monday I sent him a txt. I couldn't fucking help it. I was so upset and I missed him so fucking much. I didn't hear anything from him. I knew I wouldn't.

Yesterday during lunch, I spent almost the entire time writing an email and crying my eyes out. Last night I was going to finish it and send it, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Then I was going to send a short email and told myself not to do it, and I didn't.

But this morning? I couldn't help myself. I sent him an email, telling him I missed him. That was it. But I didn't send it from my hotmail account, in case he blocked me. Nope. I sent it from my gmail account, so he'd get it.

I'm fucking crazy, right?

In December 2015 I thought I had closure. I found out he was married and cheating. He admitted it to me over the phone. I heard him say it. I figured that was the end of it... of us. I always had a feeling he'd be back, but I knew if I never talked to him again, it didn't matter, because he was married. And I thought I moved on from him, even though I never stopped thinking about him while masturbating. I thought I was going to have a future with Tom, but that didn't happen, and I easily went back to thinking about Mark.

Fast forward to December 2020. I heard from him. It was sketchy, so I didn't give it much thought. There wasn't enough for me to get attached and get my hopes up.

June 2021. BOOM.

Do you know what I said to him June 1, within the first 10 minutes of talking to him again? "I've always enjoyed talking to you. It's fun."

It's always fucking fun until someone gets hurt. It's all fun and fucking games until someone gets hurt. I get hurt every single fucking time.

He told me he was a bad guy. He told me he tried to stay away. He told me he was weak for me. He told me he should be sorry.

I didn't listen to a fucking word he said. Because every time he comes back into my life, not only do I think it'll be different, I think I can handle it. If he hurts me again, I think I can handle it. But in the mean time, it's always fun, so I'll humor myself and play along until it kills me.

I can't lie to Mark, and he knows that. He knows I will go back to him every time. Not only can he not stay away from me, I don't make him. Neither one of us can let go.

But I am worried that this time he is finally letting go. The one time I am trying to hold on to him, he is letting go of me.

He knows I am weak for him, too. He knows he is my fucking drug. He doesn't want me to stop using. But he doesn't care when I have to quit cold turkey. He doesn't care that I go into withdrawal.

I remember telling him that I can be miserable and put on a fake face and no one knows a fucking thing is wrong with me. I wish I had been fake with Mark.

It's FINE that you're still married. It's FINE that you're having second thoughts. It's FINE that you forget your phone at restaurants and stores. It's FINE if you leave it in your car. It's FINE if you give it to your wife for the night. It's FINE if you don't txt me back for 12 hours.

If I just pretended that everything was fucking FINE, we'd still be talking.

But I had to be honest with him, didn't I? I had to tell him he was a fucking idiot if he stayed married and wanted to be unhappy the rest of his life. I had to tell him that it wasn't ok to ignore me for hours. I had to tell him that he shouldn't let his wife have his fucking phone and to get a new number.

He told me to never stop telling him how I felt. It didn't fucking matter, did it?

I don't know when I can move on from this. From him. From us. From whatever the fuck we were.

How do I go out on a date with a guy, and sit across from him at dinner, and not think about Mark? How do I fuck some guy, and not think about Mark?

I compared Tom to Mark. I compared Mark to Tom. And in the mix there was also Nick. I compared them all to each other. But Nick never broke my fucking heart, and at this point, he's out of the equation. Tom broke my fucking heart, and I don't want him back. Tom could show up at my door and I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

But you Mark? Break my heart over and over and over. Break it into a million fucking pieces. I will never tell you to leave me alone. Show up at my door and in 1 minute you'd be inside me.

I guess with the next guy that comes into my life, I will fucking fake it. I'll be FINE. There will be nothing wrong with me. He won't see me shed a fucking tear. Maybe he won't fucking leave me. Maybe he won't break my fucking heart.

Mark and I have always been in our little fantasy world. We talk dirty. We describe how we would fuck each other. For the last 15 years I've thought about Mark and everything I'd let him do to me. I can't tell you how many orgasms I've had thinking about Mark. Just the other day I had 6. When was the last time his fucking wife had 6 orgasms thinking about him? Or when was the last time he gave her 6 orgasms?

But it's only a fucking fantasy, right? He goes back to his real world and I go back to mine. He's always gone back to his girlfriend or his wife. The problem is, is that I have always pictured him in my real world. I picture him in my bed, cuddled up next to me as we fall asleep. I picture us eating meals together. I picture us in the car together. I picture us walking the dog. I picture us on vacation.

I don't know why Mark keeps coming back to me. I asked him and he said I was easy to talk to. But I can't remember if that's all he told me and I honestly don't know if that's the whole truth. I don't know if I'm "giving" him what he can't have in real life... the sexual fantasies. Because he can picture it with me and get off on it. He's not doing those things with his wife.

But his marriage has sucked for the last 5-7 years. It's not like he was talking to me that entire time. He didn't reach out to me again until just recently. I know that he has a problem, but again, I'm not telling him no. I don't tell him he has a problem, because I enjoy it too. I get off on it, too. Because it's a fantasy for me, because I'm not getting it in real life either.

That's why I thought it was different this time. He was talking about divorce. He was talking about visiting me. I feel like every time it was brought up, he mentioned it first. I heard him fucking say he wanted to visit. Not since San Diego has he mentioned visiting me and bringing it up first. It was different.

I was a fucking fool for believing him. But again... I WANT him to talk to me again.

I know that I have a fucking problem, too. I'm not putting all the blame on Mark, but I'm also not putting all the blame on myself. There is a lot going on inside my head that I've never dealt with. There is a lot of hurt I've never dealt with. I know I didn't treat Mark the greatest. I gave him a lot of shit for things that had nothing to do with him.

But I thought if I explained things, he would understand and it would make things better. But it didn't matter, because he didn't realize he was doing those things until I pointed them out. And I kept pointing them out, thinking it would make things better and it made things worse.

It got so fucking hard and we were in this fucking cycle that we couldn't get out of. I always talk about couples that are both in treatment and they are toxic for each other. I feel like Mark and I are toxic for each other.

I remember back in June, looking up the Mercury Retrograde. Mine said something along the lines of someone coming back into my life, and it ending the way it did in the past. I immediately thought of Mark. Things ended badly between us the last time. I knew we were fucked, but I didn't want to believe it.

Because things were fucking different this time, RIGHT!?

Even typing this I feel like a fucking crazy person. If you could hear me say this, you'd think I was fucking crazy.

Either crazy or just fucking hurt and heart broken. STILL.

I know I'm fucking depressed and I'm sure I need help, but I don't need a fucking professional to tell me that. I don't want pills MAKING me happy. I don't need someone to tell me to delete every txt message, to block his phone number, or for me to get a new phone number and email so he can never contact me again.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THAT! I want Mark to always be able to get in touch with me. And no one will ever be able to understand that. Mark his this hold over me and I don't know why and I don't know how to get over it.

I know I'm a fucking idiot. I know I'm stupid for always letting him be the one in control, because he is. He's always the one that leaves, and he's always the one that comes back. I didn't tell him that specifically, but I did tell him we only talk when it's convenient for him. I told him it wouldn't matter anyways, that even if I had sent a txt when I first woke up, he still wouldn't see it for another 3 hours. I told him we never talked until he txted me first. I told him that we talk on the phone, but only when it worked for him, and he always had to get back to work or run a fucking errand. He said that it was true. That that is how things did work between us.

I constantly wonder why God had him come back into my life, and only for 41 fucking days. But I also think, why did God HAVE him come back into my life. Does that even make sense? Like why did God have Mark txt me? What was the reason for me being back in his life? I always think why was he back in mine, right? But what purpose did I serve being back in his?

Did I make him realize I'm fucking crazy and he's better off staying married? Or did I make him realize he's fucking stupid for staying married and being unhappy? Did I make him realize he wants a fucking divorce, but he wants nothing to do with me?

I don't know. And it kills me.

I don't hate Mark. I honestly want what's best for him. I still want him to be happy. How big of a heart does someone have to have to still want the best for someone who has fucking ruined them?

I wonder if he still thinks of me. Does he still think of me when he masturbates? Does he still think of me in general? Like watching tv together, or coming to visit, or going to concerts?

Does he remember me telling him not to disappear again? Does he think he can't talk to me ever again because he knows he hurt me? I don't want that. I don't want him to think that he hurt me so bad that I wouldn't want to talk to him again.

I know for a fact, that if he ever called me or txted me again, that I would cry. I would cry from relief. I would cry from happiness. I know I would cry from being upset with how he treated me. But I know I wouldn't ignore him.

I am so fucking miserable. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. The only person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me. The person that has me hurting and crying is the only person I want to talk to.

I can't keep faking it.

MARK... Are you reading this? Please come back...
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Nothing
by Concrete Rose
I haven't written in over a month. Nothing has changed. Mark still hasn't talked to me. It's been 71 fucking days. Over 2 months.

What's ironic is that the Dixie fire started burning 2 days after we last talked, and it's still burning. It's still raging, just like my heart.

I was ok for a while. I still think about Mark every day. I don't know when I won't. But I wasn't crying every day.

These last few days? I've been a fucking mess.

Mark's birthday was last Thursday. I wanted to send him a txt so bad. Or a fucking email. But I didn't. Why would it matter? At the time he had 67 days to reach out to me and never did.

Does he remember what I said to him back in June? Come visit for your birthday in September... I guess at the time I still assumed we would still be talking 3 months later. I didn't think WEEKS later we'd be over. Ha.

I still think back to that day. July 11. If it hadn't been raining and I had been in my pool... If I had answered when he called. If his calls had gone through. If my calls had gone through. If I hadn't sent that fucking txt.... IF IF IF

Every day I wonder what he's doing. If he's happy. If he's still working all the time. If he still wants a divorce.

But the question is... Is he still thinking about me?

He made me an addict and he knows this. He knows that when he disappears I have to quit cold turkey. He knows that every time he comes back I relapse. He knows that every time I use more and more and more.

I am fucking miserable.
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Book Nerd!
by valencia
My boyfriend is the best, we are both book nerds and so the day before I left he shared his user name and password to his kindle account. Best fucking gift I have ever received. Now I get to read so many books thanks to my amazing boyfriend.

That is all I wanted to say.lol!
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So naturally my response to Ali was I needed some time to think about it. She understood that and honestly, thats not what I thought she was going to say to me. I was really shocked thats what she had stopped by to talk to me about. So initally I thought no way in hell will this ever work. Then there was the other half of me that thought, well, if we live together than maybe we can start working on a relationship or at least see if the feelings are still there. See, the problem I have always had in my life is that when it comes to relationships I remain very optomistic and I always hold out hope that things will work out for the best.


Holding onto so much hope has really been a crippling part of my life cause usually I hold on too long and never want to let go and then when things dont work out, its a hard crash that really rips my emotions apart. So, a couple days go by and Ali shows up at the apartment again and basically dragged me out to look at apartments with her. I really didnt want to go, I still wanted to let things soak in a bit and talk to her so more to see what her motives were. I went with her that afternoon and honestly, once we got in her car and started driving, it felt like old times again. The convo flowed, we laughed the entire time, she kept giving me that side eye and stare, the one that always got my heart strings.


Here we go, I was starting to get all sorts of feels again for Ali during our several hours spent together that afternoon. Well, I caved, I told her I would do it and move into an apartment with her. Seperate bedrooms of course but we had already lived together and knew what to expect. Plus, I keep a clean house and Ali was the same, so I didnt have to worry about anything crazy going on. It took a few weeks, but we finally found a 2 bedroom apartment that was close to both of our places of work and it was very nice, price was right and we signed on the dotted line. Sounds like a couple moving into their first place together right? Well, it was awkward to be honest. The first few weeks in the apartment we struggled.


Both of us had the thought that just as friends, we would pick up where we left off, but the truth was, now that we were living together and made the decision, things were different. We pushed hard the first couple weeks to make things work and get back to the way things were. Mind you, we were just trying to reestablish the friendship, nothing more was spoke of or mentioned, we just wanted to have those late night talks and things be chill. But you know, once you cross that line and feelings start getting involved, its hard to hold back and it always changes the dynamic. So for the first couple weeks, it was a struggle, then the following weeks were met with silence and not spending nights in the apartment. I was starting to quickly regret this....

 

..to be continued..


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So there was Ali, standing in the parking lot, looking all sweet and innocent holding a case of beer. What can I say, my heart melted, I hadnt seen her or heard from her in months and there she was, wanting to talk. I invited Ali in we sat out on the porch with my buddy C and we got caught up a bit. Then Ali asked C if just her and I could talk. C got up and left the room and I appreciated him letting us chat a bit, he knew the whole story, he knew what I went through with her.


So Ali didnt have much of an excuse for not contacting me at all over the last few months. She didnt really seem to care what it did to me or how it made me feel. I told Ali everything, I told her how it pissed me off and I didnt think it was right or anything like that. She finally admitted that she got way too involved emotionally while B and I were hanging out with each other all summer. I basically asked if she was jealous and she never admitted to it but I knew thats what it was. Ali finally blurted out she needed some time away to just gather her thoughts and figure out where she was in life and where she was going.


I respect that, but dont leave someone who was as close as I was to her, hanging with zero contact. Id rather take the hit to my feelings that you want time away from me then just get completely ghosted and wonder if youre even alive.? Anyway, we talked and got back to the way things were and just catching up. I had too much history with Ali to just kick her to the curb, I wanted us to get back to being friends and hanging out like we use to. I knew we could get back to that place with some time, we just didnt miss a beat around each other. The real question I had to ask myself though was whether or not I wanted to get back to being her friend or if I wanted to get back to trying to be more than her friend?


Towards the end of the conversation Ali finally came out and said that she had something really important to ask me. She seemed a bit more nervous after she made that statement and Im not gonna lie, it made my heart race a bit. A million thoughts raced through my head and again, I started to hope for the best. I needed to stay calm but I remember my heart racing and her saying "I would like to have a roommate again, do you want to rent an apartment together?"


..to be continued..


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I'm wearing the fuck down.  I'm angry.  I'm emotional.  I'm tired.  Oh did I mention I'm fucking angry and tired!??!?!  My knees hurt constantly and my hips hurts quite a bit too. I gain weight I lose weight.  I'm okay and then I'm not.  It's like it hits me like a fucking truck and is driving me god damn INSANE.  Not only that but Charity got covid, she's fine of course.  Her quarantine date was up on August 30th, but my 2 boys got stuck in quarantine til Sept. 13th.  Something about the exposure date.  So with them home fighting all the time....and having no break....I'm losing my shit.  David started working I guess so he could get a place of his own, which is good if that's what he's really doing.  But shit if he's not working, I'd like him to get Waylon for a weekend....cause I just need a break.  I need a god damn break.  From life.  If I had the money and someone to watch my kids I'd just take off for a week.  I don't give a fuck where....just somewhere that's not here.  Honestly, I'd go see Jacob.  we've been talking almost a year now.  Sweetest man in the world.  Hands down.  Not sure why he keeps talking to me.  I'm fucking batshit crazy.  Have 4 kids by 3 dads.  Going through a divorce.  I have no money.  I have no car.  Im not sexy.  I've done nothing but gain weight....then lost 30 pounds, then had all my teeth pulled and I gained 10 pounds....and then lost 6.  So of course I cant fucking STAND THE FUCKING WAY I LOOK.  Too depressed to do shit about it.  I'm stuck in a house with my kids and my parents.  I literally have nothing to offer him.  I love him tho.  He's been there for me through so much shit.  And he's always the one to calm me down.  Seriously, I'd just go disappear with him for a while.  


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entry 18
by eyeore's twin

Breakups friends and boundariesFor most of this summer I've been trying to write an entry and haven't finished one yet so brenda and I broke up I had been looking for a way for a way to do it then I was like yep your right your right so then she got mad and she started blowing up my phone all weekend and if I didn't answer she'd start texting me about not answering her and it just became to much today she said she wasn't going to church and then she showed up I was glad she made it. We did communion and her and I usually pray together before taking communion and God told me to still go pray with her and i'm glad I did

We have a couple new roommates and they are awesome. Ever since Bren moved out theres so much more harmony in the house.

My hotel for my new york trip got shut down because of COVID so then things went crazy and now i'm staying with a friend of the family and I'm excited because that will give me a chance to spend more time with her plus I'm in the neighborhood that my stepdad lives in and only a few subway stops from my step moms house

So an ex has come back into my life and I think this might be a God thing but either way we're trying to work on being friends again before seeing where anything else happens Credit: Sx3.Layouts

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Ali really pissed me off when she said that we should have never slept together. No one was forced into having sex, but I guess we all have those moments we regret. I will preface this by saying I think Ali was just pissed we slept together cause her feelings for me were growing more and more. I was indifferent, trying to piece everything together in my head and figure out where I was in my own head space. You know, my heart was kinda numb to the whole deal. While I was glad that Ali and I had broken the sexual tension that existed I was still unsure what I was doing or what it was I was looking for.


Suddenly B wasnt an issue anymore and thats when I knew what was happening or had been happening. Deep down, I really wanted to be with Ali. Ali was the girl that I had spent so many late nights with, shared my deepest and darkest secrets with....she was the one I wanted to spend time with. I didnt lead on to Ali that I was really into her and wanted to spend more time with her as more than just friends. I honestly was still processing everything and checking myself to make sure I was doing the right thing.


Anyway, the next few days were fine between Ali and I, everything went back to the way it was. We got back to the way things were, spending late nights sipping on some wine, sharing stories of life, etc. So, Im gonna fast forward a bit, like about a month. At this point winter was around the corner and Ali was going to move out of the apartment and get out on her own. Mind you, nothing had really changed after Ali and I slept together, we still flirted and kept it light and fun, we just didnt get physically close anymore...and a part of me missed that.


So the day finally came when Ali had to move out. Im not gonna lie, I was really sad about not being able to see her. I realized that night how much Ali meant to me. I wrote a note to her but cant remember the specifics, just thanking her for being so open and friendly and I really enjoyed her company. I left it on her bathroom sink the next morning as I slipped out for work. I honestly dont think she was even home. I had offered to help her move her things when I got off work but she never said she would need my help. I didnt hear a thing from Ali but I kinda expected that she would be busy with packing things up and moving boxes all day. So I got home from work and it was dead quiet in the apartment.


I walked back to Ali's room to check in and it was completely empty, she had moved everything out, it was all gone. I was kinda shocked like how in the hell did she move all her furniture and everything out in such a quick time. Thats about the time the heartbreak started to sink in that she was gone and I would have to figure out how to stay in touch. Over the next several days, I sent a few messages to Ali asking how things were and how she was but she just ghosted me, I never heard a word from her.


I knew which apartment complex she moved into but I didnt know which building but I wasnt gonna stalk her, if she didnt wanna talk, fine, I have to accept it. I was still shocked though that not once she said anything to me, no goodbye, no text message saying she was okay, nothing. I just let it be for the next few months but Im not gonna lie, I really missed her and hoped she was okay. I seriously didnt hear anything from her for a couple months and I just kept busy at work and it helped to take my mind off of her and just move on with my life. I should mention too that Ali moved about 30 minutes from me so it wasnt like I could just drive down the road and see her.


So, after about 3 months I was sitting on my patio at the apartment and I notice this tiny little thing walking across the parking lot, it was Ali. I did a double take and yelled "Ali??" She stopped walking, held up a 12 pack of beer and asked "will you talk with me?"


...to be continued...


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I left B's place that morning knowing it was definitly over and I wasnt happy with that. Despite getting everything off our chests, it was still a pain to think about not holding her in my arms again. I mean, I knew we were doing the right thing, I just got use to seeing her around everyday. I think thats what hurt the most, not seeing someone everyday and having that comfort of them being around. I really screwed up but there was no going back at this point, I just had to deal with it.


The next few days were interesting because I knew Ali was happy that I had split with B, which made it obvious to me that Ali was jealous of B and I's relationship the whole time. I honestly tried to keep my distance from Ali but she was always home when I was home and it was hard to avoid each other, we all had the same friends who all hung out together at the same time. So, one night I just decided that I would ask Ali if she wanted to go to dinner with me and she said yea she would. We got all dressed up and hit up the local steak joint, food was delicious and the convo was great as always.


We got back to the apartment and we had one last drink for the night. At the end of the night, Ali wanted to give me a hug and when she leaned in, I kissed her, I planted one right on her lips and she accepted it. You know after you have that first long kiss with someone and you pull away, you both have the biggest smiles on your faces?? Yeah, thats exactly what it was. I had a bit of liquid persuasion but honestly, after we shared that memorable kiss, I felt this huge weight off my shoulders. Then I started to wonder if it was Ali that I was after all this time.?


Anyway, one thing led to another.....Ali and I slept together that night and it was amazing.....I woke up and went to work the next morning. Ali was gone, she must have slipped out and went to her room. I just kinda let it sink in throughout the morning and let all my thoughts process. Usually Ali would text me in the mornings and then random throughout the day but I heard nothing from her that day. I honestly was still trying to process the whole deal and I started wondering where my heart was at. I got home after work and Ali wasnt there. So I went up to the pool with P and we talked it all out. I told him the whole deal and he was like man, yall always seemed like a couple so it only made sense.


At that point I started to wonder how obvious it was and P told me straight up that everyone always thought Ali and I were messing around. I was taken a back a bit but I was like why are people saying that? P said dude, you guys have amazing chemistry when you are around each other, people could see the electricty between you two, but no one wanted to out right say anything! Look, I always knew Ali and I had great chemistry but I didnt realize that people saw it more intensely than I did. It started to dawn on me that I didnt know what the hell I was doing anymore. Did I even have any feelings at this point or was I numb to everything??


I got back from the pool that night and Ali was home, she came up to me and asked me about last night. I just said, yea that happened, and she replied well it shouldnt have!! I was like, oooookkkkkk, what are you talking about? Ali said it just shouldnt have happened and to just forget everything...


..to be continued..


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Hi everyone!!
I decided to opened this diary so you and I can used to the CSS codes. So if you like any of my css codes. This diary is not a layout diary, it is only Css the code will be at the center of the entry (Please Credit Me). For example:
Color Lover
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Hey, just checking in. I'm alive. Things are going well. Ontario is in the middle of a heatwave so going outside is simply awful. It's already 30 degrees here and it's only 9am. Sooooo yeah. Today is an inside day. Yep yep. No hives for this woman. No thank you.

 

Today's weather is a NOPE day. LOL


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So after I broke the news to B she quietly turned and walked away. I stood there on the sidewalk just feeling like a total loser. It just came out, my mind told me to end things but my heart didnt wanna ever let go. Worse part is I could hear B start to cry as she walked away and then just ended me right then and there. I really felt bad but I didnt want to chase her, apologize or talk about it and make things worse. I just wanted a clean cut but I didnt think it was going to hurt so much.


I went back into the aparment and of course, there was Ali sitting on the couch with a glass of wine. I sat down on the couch and she knew right away something was wrong. I told Ali everything and I was choking back my tears the whole time. Ali was super supportive and listened to me pour my heart out. It was obvious I made an impulse decision. I just jumped ship before the seas got rough. Anyway, I went to bed early that night and didnt sleep much. I heard Ali leave the apartment in the evening and I finally felt like I could just relax a bit. I feel asleep real fast and then around 3am I heard the door slam and I knew Ali was home.


Ali came into my room, I asked her what she was doing and she just asked if I was okay.? I told her yea, I just needed some sleep and a little time to let things sink in. She said she was glad to hear that and she left my room. The next few days were pure hell, I had this weight on my shoulders for days. I felt so horrible for dropping B, I should have never done it and I wish I wouldnt have let Ali get in my damn head. I finally reached out to B after 3 days and told her I really wanted to see her and just talk through some things. She agreed and invited me to spend the night at her apartment, yea, she said just plan on spending the night.


I stayed level headed though cause I knew there was no way I was just going to jump back into her life. Things are never that easy. So that night I told Ali I was going to see B and Ali got a little upset at me about the whole deal and I was like, what the hell is your problem?? Ali just turned and walked away so I was like, WTF is your problem right now? I shook it off and drove over to see B. So I knocked on B's door and she greeted me with a big smile and a hug and I thought ok, maybe this wont be so bad.?


There really wasnt anything awkward at all, I helped her hang a few pictures that she had bought and we had a glass of wine. I vented, she vented and we cleared the air. After all that, B and I decided that yea, maybe we were just better off being friends right now. She was going through some personal stuff and I was super busy with work. It just wasnt the right time. We mutually agreed to part ways but the pain was still real. I was pretty sad about the whole deal. Did I still spend the night?? Yep, I sure did....except I slept on the couch in the living room and I left early the next morning before B got up...


..I never saw B again after that night..


..to be continued..


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Financial Update
by charity.funds
Still processing everything I know I have been MIA for almost a year, but the passing of my father, sister, and family member have hit so...hard that I wasn't able to clear up a fogged in my brain, and I just need sometime to grieve because I haven't completely grieve to be in a place to say okay. Yesterday, I check bloop and my frontpage was gone I was like "WHAT!?" So I quickly try to recreate how it was looking before it disappeared. I hope I wasn't the only one that their front page was gone. Also, I want to join a fitness virtual challenge, but I need to budget for it. I am weighing my options and I have add it to my little section called Budget for it. Do you guys think it is a good idea? Financial Update: Well, I suck have saving and my bank account is gone. I have try the cash envelope system and that is a failure for me. At first, I was okay with it and now I am thinking, "This is not working for me." What is working for me is me hiding all my credit cards and forgetting that I have them. Also, deleting my credit cards from PayPal, PayPal make it easy to pay for things. So, I had to used my amazon chase card for emergency reason, but I will pay back when I get my next paycheck. I am starting to feel overwhelm and I need to find another job. I can't seem to find one that will fit my schedule, the only time I can work the weekends, some morning for 6 am - 11 am and late night like midnight - 2 am, but some days I have to take my uncle to his doctor appointments (this is my main job). If I take a regulars job I would be afraid of being fired from it for taking time off a lot to take care of my uncle. I need to figure out what type of jobs can fit my schedule because right now I need another paycheck to help me budget and save for my student loan. Also, if your thinking what about your Esty shop? I am not ready to reopen or prepare for a reopening on my shop. I just think to get things ready for it first. Here is an update on what subscription and credit card that I have (so far).
Subscription
  • IPSY
  • Boxycharm
  • Scentbird (3 month skip)
  • Disney+
  • Twitch
  • Patreon
  • Chegg (will cancel after I finish my current class)
  • Current Credit Card Balances
  • Piercing Pagoda: $349.15
  • Kay Jewelers: $308.06 CLOSED
  • Amazon Chase: $465.22
  • Amazon Store Card: $355.09 CLOSED
  • Credit one: $676.57
  • JC Penny Card: $1,738.44
  • Macy Card: $697.84


  • Fundraiser Goal Pay off Credit Cards Debt
    Save for student loans
    Budget for it: Daily
    • Pet food - $40.00

    Budget for it
    • The Conqueror app - $29.95 each challenges
    • The Pacer app - $29.99 each challenges
    • Walmart + - $12.95
    • Costco membership renewal
















    Needs
    • SAVE!! money
    • SAVE!! For student loan
    • Pay off credit cards debts
    Wants (Rewards)
    • Books (no spend for 4 months)
    • Zac Posen Delta Airlines Passport Plum Handbag (ALL credit cards paid off)
    • COACH Rowan Satchel Handbag (ALL debt must be paid off & do all the needs)










    Reality LifeThese are my website.

    Tears You Cry (fanlisting) Color Fade (????)
    My Bloop Diaries masquerade (personal) Colorlover (css code) Penpal Coming soon/ Hitaus Tutorial (will be Html) Test Diary(soon:Layout diary??) scavenger.hunts (coming back soon!) Come and join @ scavenger.hunts Credit Color Lover Project Service
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    B came back from vacation happy to see me and I was happy to see her. We got back into a routine but at this point, summer was just about over and you could sense that everyone had that sad feeling in the pit of their stomach about summer coming to an end and for a lot of my friends at the time, that meant going back to classes and working a part time schedule. So, as a group, we decided we would take a beach trip and have one last farewell to the summer. As luck would have it, our good friend J had a beach house down on the coast and his family was cool with us staying in it for a few days.

     

    So here we are, at the beach, having a blast and things couldnt have been better. On the second night though we were all in the house playing card games and enjoying some beverages but B had disappeared. I went out back on the patio and there she was, just sitting on the dock all by herself staring out into the channel. So I walked down quietly and as I got closer I could hear her crying. I sat down next to her and didnt say anything, she just slumped over onto my shoulder and balled her eyes out. After a good cry session she just apologized and said that she has some things that she needs to work on to get her life to a place that she was happy with. Immediately I was taken back to all the things that Ali had planted in my brain and I thought, well, here we go, maybe Ali was right about all this and it was just a matter of time before all this came to light.

     

    B and I sat down on the dock but didnt say much, I let her get it all out. I just told her that I would always be there for her and honestly, sometimes we all need to just get shit off our chest and I let her do that. It was a rough night, its playing out exactly like Ali had said it would. Then I started to wonder if Ali had been talking shit about me behind my back to B just to get us to break up.? A lot of thoughts consumed my mind those days prior to the beach trip. I became my own worst enemy with the thoughts I carried around with me everyday. B was busy with work, I was busy, a lot of our friends were back in class for the semester, things started to fall apart a bit.

     

    I finally caved one night, B was over and I just started to feel this insane distance between us and I couldnt figure out why it was like this. We hung out the entire evening and it was quiet between us but not really awkward. When I walked her outside that night, I did the most dick move you could ever do and blindsided her by telling her I didnt think we should see each other anymore. She never saw it coming, I never thought I would just blurt it out either. I was shaking after I said it and that should have been a sign I was doing the wrong thing at that moment in time...

     

    ..to be continued..

     

     

     


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    No Changes
    by Concrete Rose
    I don't know why I'm bothering to write. It's now been over 5 weeks since I've heard from Mark. Over a month ago. Nothing has changed.

    I still fucking miss him. I still hope he'll txt me, call me. Anything. I think I'll go a whole day without crying, and then the smallest thing can set me off. I've forgotten what his ring tone sounded like, and then yesterday it popped into my head and I started to cry. It seems like every fucking book I read or show I watch, there is a person or character with his name. The other day I looked at the clock and it said 9:16. His birthday. Today I was eating some muffins and saw the expiration date. Sept 16. His birthday. Every fucking thing is a reminder.

    I still don't give a shit about anyone or anything. I still don't look at my phone. I still feel like nothing fucking matters.

    I read news articles every day, and I see how covid #'s are going back up where he lives. The wildfires out in CA. We never really discussed covid. The only time we did is when I mentioned working from home for a bit and how he was still working from home here and there. But I have no idea if he ever got it, or got the vaccine, or if he was still wearing a mask everywhere (except now they are, so it wouldn't have mattered). I never got to tell him that we got the haze/smoke from the wildfires. I might finally be getting my front porch soon, and I can't tell him that. This week I took a week off from work. I remember the last time I took a week off, back in June. That's the week we had that serious conversation.

    Last Wednesday I had to go to a career fair in Olean. I was supposed to be there for 5 hours, but knew I'd leave after 4. I also knew I'd be bored, so I messaged Nick to see if he wanted to come see me. He did. I knew YEARS ago, and even most recently, that I would never want anything to do with him, relationship-wise, ever again. I mean, we never had a relationship to begin with, but I also knew I never would want to. And seeing him on Wednesday confirmed that.

    First, he's now missing a front tooth. What is it with people, especially guys, that they don't care if they have missing teeth? Does Mark have all of his teeth? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that he takes care of himself.

    Also, Nick really hasn't changed in the last 15 years. He still dresses like a 20 year old. He still says stupid shit. I've realized that certain things can only be said by certain people. But when other people say them, they just make themselves sound like an idiot. I don't know how many times I rolled my eyes at shit he said. I believe he's still living with his Mom. He doesn't work. He's supposedly his own boss, and makes his own hours, and makes more than people that do work. But I know for a fucking fact he's not working.

    He's been in trouble with the law, went to rehab, lost his license. I understand that a lot of people are in his shoes with this, but it's like he doesn't care. He's in recovery, but not taking it seriously, besides not drinking. He said he lost his license for 5 years, but can pay $500 in 2 years to get it back, and he says he doesn't want to. It's like, don't you want to drive again, don't you want to not have to rely on others? I don't get it.

    He said his brother and his wife bought a house. He said they were stupid because it needs a lot of work. I was able to find what house he was talking about on Zillow. Does it need work? Sure. Does it need A LOT of work? Depends what you want to change or fix. But for the price they paid and considering that they both work, they will be fine. Let people do what they want.

    I honestly wonder if Nick is just jealous. I had no problem "bragging" about my house and other accomplishments to him. I honestly didn't care. At one point he mentioned the reason why he divorced his wife years ago. Supposedly they were living in her grandma's house and he thought they were paying the mortgage to some day own it. Apparently they were just making a rent payment.

    That's his reason for getting a divorce. I honestly don't believe a fucking word he says. He said he caught her fucking a guy once, but didn't leave her at that time. I guess he forgot 15 years ago he wasn't any better. He was dating a girl and cheating on her with me. I wanted to point this out, but didn't.

    The ONLY thing Nick said that made any fucking sense, was that he said the day he got a divorce was the happiest day of his life.

    The entire time Nick was there, which was about an hour, all I could think about was Mark. And when Nick said this, all I could think was, "See, Mark, see!? That's what I was trying to tell you! That you CAN be happy after getting a divorce!"

    When Nick finally left, he told me to message him later. I asked why, and he seemed surprised that I would even say that. I said to him, "Why don't you message me?" He said he would, but it's now been almost a week and I haven't heard from him. I honestly could care less, because I really don't want to talk to him. I wasn't looking for closure with him, or a reason to never get involved with him, but I got it. I mean, I always KNEW I didn't want him, but seeing how nothing has changed in 15 years, has confirmed everything.

    But again, another guy making a "promise" he can't keep. He said he'd message me, and I never heard from him.

    After him telling me to message him, got me thinking though. How many times did I tell Mark to message me or call me? And I kept saying for him to do it because he wanted to, not because I was telling him to. And he did... until he didn't. Yet it annoyed me when Nick demanded that me from. So I'm not any better, right? I demanded it from Mark, but as soon as someone demanded it from me, I shut them down.

    But everything was different with Mark, right? Because if HE had demanded it, I wouldn't done it in the snap of my fingers.

    I also know for a fact, that if Mark and I had still been talking, I would've never asked Nick to come see me. I would've had Mark to occupy me. And if I had asked Nick to come see me, every time Mark sent me a txt, I would've focused on that only. But when Mark and I were talking, no one else mattered. The entire time Mark and I talked, not once did I want to talk to Nick, or any other guy, or any other person in general.

    Things happen for a reason... So by having Mark stop talking to me, let me get the closure (that I wasn't looking for or needing) with Nick. I wanted closure from Tom and never got it. I DON'T want closure from Mark, because I don't want there to be an end to us, but I do want closure, if it means he's changed his mind.

    I don't get life. I fucking don't.
    2 likes, 0 comments
    Evil Brain Weasels...
    by DulceLionessa

    So, really not okay right now.

    I am distancing again...but then again it doesn't feel like I am missed anyways. 

    I can't concentrate on the job search, I am hurting and frustrated, and my brain is telling me it will never change. Same old patterns, that I can't seem to break away from.


    0 likes, 0 comments

    So its been awhile since I have been able to sit down and catch up on my story, not to mention how much more I have to add as I get caught up on whats happening in the here and now.

     

    Last I left off, Ali had set me up as if she had cut her finger and then when I went to take a look at it, she said no, look closer. So I leaned in, seeing as Im 6'3 and shes 5'1, and I grabbed her hand and as I leaned in she looked up and planted a kiss right on my lips. And we just kinda sat there for what felt like minutes but in reality was probably only a quick second. But the kiss had meaning behind it, I could feel it. Was it sparks? I dont think so, honestly I was so consumed with B that I didnt even really process what had just happened.

     

    So I looked at her finger and there was nothing wrong with it, she was like, yea, I wanted to kiss you so I set you up. I was like well that was kinda fucked up because you know damn well where I stand with B and we spend all our time together. So now I started to become a little more confused as to where Ali was trying to go with all this. I walked out of the kitchen and she went back to doing whatever it was that she was doing in the first place.

     

    The rest of the evening was fine, we went about things as usual, it wasnt any different really, it was just like any other night except for the fact that Ali and I had actually kissed. You know, I never said anything to B, I never said anything to Ali, it just happened and it was done, I was over it and I wanted to focus on B. With that said, things did change over the next few weeks and it made me really confused as to what I should believe and what I shouldnt.

     

    I should note again that B and Ali went way back to middle school days, so they knew each other really well. With that said, after a few weeks of just running the normal routine, B was going on vacation with her family for a few days. Deep down I could tell that Ali was a little excited about this and looking back on it, it was probably because it meant she got to spend more time with me. Anywho, B goes on vacation and literally the first night shes gone, Ali makes me dinner and we just hung out in the apartment that night but it was obvious something was up.

     

    I should have called Ali out on it and asked her what was going on but any idiot could see she was obviously jealous of the relationship B and I had. Ali could have gone out to any bar and hit on any guy but instead she decided that she wanted me and was going to stop at nothing to win me over. So after a nice dinner and a few bottles of wine, we sat on the porch like we typically did most nights and just talked things out. But this time Ali was really pushing onto me the fact that I didnt know B as well as she did and for that reason, I should watch out. Ali started telling me about B's past relationships and how she would sabotage them or do hurtful things to push people away.

     

    Honestly, I didnt care, I was just living it day by day and not once did B and I ever talk about past relationships or anything like that. B and I were fine, we had no issues, I enjoyed her company and getting to know her, thats all I cared about. Plus, Im not one to judge based on past relationships, we all learn and grow from each person we meet or get close to so I really didnt care. But Ali kept feeding me these stories and for whatever dumb reason, I chose to believe Ali and all the hurtful things she was telling me about how B will just ruin everything so I should get out while I can. After that night, things were never the same...

     

    ..to be continued..

     

     

     


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