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Made a little youtube video with one of my drones.
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 had a job interview tuesday said they would let me know wednesday afternoon no call... nothing and now its thursday,  got my second vaccine shot.  im just emotionally all over the place.. 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves


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Flight change
by valencia
So I got my flight change to leaving at 6 am in the morning instead of at night. Holy crap! I will get to be there a whole day instead of getting there late at night. I am so excited. I had been nervous but now I am just calm and at peace with everything. The reason they changed my flight is because the later flight I was going to take is probably going to get canceled because we are expecting a big thunderstorm. So this is a win for me because I changed it for free if i wouldn't of changed it i would of had to wait until Friday. And that will be less time with Ryan. I have everything packed and I even scheduled my uber for 3 AM so I can get there with plenty of time.

My dad is coming later in the day to pick up Lucky.
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entry 14
by eyeore's twin

why have a payee,

So I've been organizing my room because it's always a mess so I took my winter stuff and my craft stuff that aren't being used as well as my AA leadership stuff and was going to the storage place we get there and my payee hasn't paid my bill since I moved here in February but the lady at the storage place said my stuff was save so when I get home I call my payee and she's like ok why haven't paid that. The reason I have a payee is because when I was in Sober living my roommates took advantage of me and then I'd be messed up for the last 2 years with the help of the payee I'm doing better they even have to tell me spend money because i'm getting close to the limit I'm allowed to save per social securities rules I'm working with my Case Manager on getting a new power of attorney seeing my current one has relapsed and haven't seen or heard from in over a year when I got covid and was in the hospital they couldn't get a hold of her. My current payee someone different and is a professional payee she handles disabled peoples money for a living.

My hair is falling out don't know whats going on and my Primary care Dr doesn't seem worried but I am I'm thinking of calling my endocrinologist and seeing if he'll investigate that issue I really am thinking of firing my Primary care and seeing if I can see one of his PA's that I seem to have a better repour with her

right at this second I am on the phone with my stepdad booking my trip to New York for Christmas usually we do this in August but I was just playing around with expedia and noticed that one of the two hostels I stay in was already sold out so now we're booking at my second favorite hostel I can't wait to finally be in the City again but two weeks is all I can handle I'm definitely a country girl now I like just walking where theres not a million people and I can just zone out while blasting my music

A new girl has moved in I know her from around town she seems cool hopefully she'll fit in here. At least I know when Bren and another roomie moves out I won't be stuck alone or with the one roommate that backs me want to be a violent person even though I'm usually not.Credit: Sx3.Layouts

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entry 14
by eyeore's twin

Nightmares, relationship insecurities, and Adulting My PTSD is really bad right now it seems that every night I have been having nightmares I know they say that you can't die in a dream but I had a night terror about my mother killing me and no one showing up at my funeral because I'm hated so much I know I'm not.

So I'm a very bubbly and flirty person thats just me I am super outgoing well Bren asked me last night if I had a thing for our roommate it was weird because I had just told said roommate that Bren is the only person I've been monogomous with and the only person that I want to be better for so I am trying to work on that I am so happy that Bren came to me and didn't have her casemanager about it we've also decided that one of us will change our common treatment team members things are really muddy sometime because its hard for them to balance things

I really hate adultimg right now I have started to organize my room and am making piles of things I would like to put in my storage unit the first time I lived here I was coming out of a facility so I didn't really have much now I have actual things also even though I have a payee I'm still having to learn how to budget my money and have to work on that especially when it comes to saving for New York. The mental health center is starting groups again and all the things between my case manager and therapist and house groups as well regular groups I can't wait to feel normal again Credit: Sx3.Layouts

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I still miss photobucket though. It was my favorite place to store photos for layouts and my art diary.
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Use the suggestion forums to keep the site suggestions rolling! We will be looking often!
entry 13
by eyeore's twin


Mothers Day

So yesterday was mothers day and like every year in the last 10 I struggle with not calling her it takes everything in me to keep that boundary in place its for my own safety last summer when she tried to facebook me I had such a bad ptsd episode that I ended up inpatient for a week and i'm not doing that again. I don't talk to much about my mom to my church family and i didn't realize this but most people in my church just assumed that my mom was dead. my Dad expects me be so close to my step mom like i am with my stepdad but my stepdad helped raise me and for the first 15 ish years of my dads marriage to my stepmom i didn't know she existed but I did text her and told her I'd call her this week I've only met the women once and she's nice and everything but my father trying to force it. I think the thing that hurts and when I was living with my stepdad after he left my mother I was living 15-20 blocks from us in New York City and would make me go to Connecticut to see him. I know God is working on these things with me. So my dads being an ass again about my relationship with my older sister but I cant be the only one trying I mean I'll email her and i'll get a one word answer and I know we'll never be close as long as my mother is still alive.

So after a rough start to my CGM experience I'm loving it right now I was able to walk to church without worrying about where I need to stop to check my sugar and if I have to stop to treat a low/high and not only that it'll alert me and if my sugar is too funky it'll let Bren know and she can pull it up on her phone to check up on me. Well tonight is my night to cook I'm making lemon chicken with baby potatoes and some cauliflower I'm waiting for Bren gets home from physical therapy so that she'll be here when its ready well i'm going to stop for today



Sx3.Layouts
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Ugh
by raen

So I bought a scale so that I can seriously track my weight in the upcoming health journey I'm about to take. Soooo I weigh 179.2lbs. Not my finest hour, folks. I want to get to 130lbs. So I'm going to have to cut out a bunch of foods I know I enjoy that are bad for me. The biggest is going to be dairy and gluten. We've already changed to gluten free pasta so that's a start. I'm going to also increase my water intake and start being more active. I'm going to be healthy, damnit. And I'm going to try to be honest about it and post it somewhere. Maybe here, maybe I'll do a video blog. I don't know yet.


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Mom
by Moonlight Sonata

She had the best smile. She had the best handwriting. I didn't get either of these from her, and I wish I did. 

It's the little things that mean so much, the things I pray I never forget, the things that I feel compelled to write down before they slip away with the sands of time, as more and more years come between the time when I had her and where I am now... 

It's an awful feeling, feeling like you no longer have a mother. Knowing and having experienced paranormal activity since I was a child, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we go on; there is life after this, I promise you. And I always thought that knowledge would help me when I lost her, that I'd be comforted by certainty that she's not gone, that I will see her again. This has not happened. What I know and what I can say effortlessly to others...I can't feel in my heart for myself. And I think it's partially because if I accept she's in some other realm, gone from sight but never far away...that means she's not here. And there's something crazy about KNOWING someone has died, but the shock and trauma (and the shit I deal with everyday) has left me unable to fully acknowledge. I still have that vague feeling of "When is this going to be over?" I know the answer. And I also am still angry and resentful...how could she have left me, how can she be happy somewhere when I'm left to deal with the aftermath, how can she have found peace and how can I be happy she's found peace when I'm so miserable in the life she left me in to deal with alone, to be left with the problems and anxieties and the person that we dealt with together...

Yet if anyone deserves peace and happiness, it's her. She had such a hard life. She grew up the black sheep, something she struggled with her entire life, that feeling towards her mother of "What did I do? Why did you hate me so much? Why did you treat me differently than you treated everyone else? Why didn't you ever try to help me? Didn't you care how scared I was of you, and of the rest of the world? It wasn't my fault I was born a year after Cathy and you had your hands full, it wasn't my fault I wasn't as smart as Cathy, it wasn't my fault I wasn't as outgoing as Mike...and then Joe and Judy came along and they could do no wrong... Mike was your golden child, Cathy was the smart one, Joe was the sweet one, and Judy was the baby -- and Donna didn't fit in anywhere."  She grew up scared, didn't even like to talk in school which meant that she didn't ask for help and was looked at as stupid, she couldn't spend time with friends because "Then who's going to help me clean the house?!"... And when she got together with my father, her parents hated him, and the more Shirley hated "Stevie Weevie!", the more she clung to him. And when she got pregnant at 17 and had to tell her parents, her father asked her " Did you do this on purpose so you could leave?" That was when she realized he knew...he knew how unhappy she was and how much she wanted to get away...and he kept the peace instead of protecting her. And she loved her Dad so so much. He was a great man. He was your typical old-fashioned man, worked a job he hated because he had a family to take care of; as he got older and had so many health problems, he dealt with them all with grace; he had cancer twice, he had two heart attacks, he had an aortic aneurysm, his appendix burst, he had two hip replacements....and he only ever cared about his wife, asking the kids "Has your mother eaten? Is she tired? Take her home so she can rest." And losing him was horrible for her... She found some kind of relationship as she got older with her mother, but she had times it still really killed her, the way things had been. She could never overcome that. 

And her life with my father... It was full of worrying about money, walking on egg shells to deal with his moods, not being able to relax, not being able to be safe and comfortable... Everything she knew about what a man should be, that she saw in her father, she had none of with him. I grew up with our electricity, cable, and phone being shut off regularly; I learned as an adult that she would wake up early to clean the house in case the power got shut off at 6am. He made GOOD MONEY, but he blew it -- he had fun with it, then what was leftover he'd paid the bills...  And when they separated, I had no idea until I was older that she couldn't even afford the rent in our tiny apartment we nicknamed The Shoebox. We would always walk down the street to QuikChek to get hoagies or Taco Bell (they had it inside the store) for dinner; we had a convo several years ago where she told me how ashamed she was, and I was shocked, telling her " Do you know how AWESOME that was for an 11-year-old? Hoagies and tacos all the time? I LOVED it. You may have felt like you weren't doing enough, but I never felt that way. I never felt like I was going without. I want you to know that." She couldn't make it on her own, couldn't make enough money, so she HAD to go back to my father... I know she loved him, I saw it when he almost died after his heart surgery, but that just wasn't enough. He treated her like shit, took everything she did for granted, said horrible things to her... And all I hear is her over the last year or so of her life, her telling me she just wanted him to go away..."Because I deserve some peace before I die." And she never got that. Aunt Denise also told me once she'd told her, in saying how grateful she was to have me here and all I did to help her, "If Steve goes first...Nickie and I are gonna have a good time." And none of us...ever, ever expected she would be the first to go... And then she spent the last decade of her life being sick, seldom at first, eventually it controlled her every minute...she suffered...and there was no reason she should've had to. She died afraid and begging for her life, the way only violent criminals deserve... She should've died an old woman, comfortable and warm in her bed. She deserved so so SO much more than life gave her...

But here we are. Here I am. Two and a half years since I saw her face (scared and knowing she was dying, when I refused to believe her). Two and a half years since I heard her voice (begging for someone to help her). Two and a half years since the night I sat with her all night, holding her hand, knowing deep in my heart that it was the end but telling myself that that COULDN'T happen, wasn't ALLOWED to happen, that God would never let that happen... 

I didn't get her smile or her handwriting, but I got a sapphire marble box of her ashes that sits on my bookshelf... That I won't let myself acknowledge, that I have to mentally prepare myself to even dust so I don't start hyperventilating... And it's writing things like that, that is my way of making baby steps to deal with it... But now I'm shaking my head like an Etch-A-Sketch (literally) to make the thought disappear. Because it's too awful and horrifying and disgusting. But now I'm getting off-track of my intention of writing this... 

I miss that smile. Even though one of her front teeth somehow started to turn, giving her a gap she'd never had, I still loved her smile. I miss that handwriting, which mine severely paled in comparison to. I miss all of our private jokes. 
 

- Doing the "Eat, Santa, eat!" from A Year Without a Santa Claus randomly when talking about eating
- Me doing Jim Carrey's Hannibal Lecter "Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again" from The Cable Guy every year we watched Rudolph
- Us alternating doing Debra's PMS rant from Everybody Loves Raymond when we did laundry "Clean the lint screen, Ray! What, do you like lint?! Well Happy Birthday, Ray! Here's your LINT!"

- Doing Ray's "You probably need a prescription for bitchy" from the same episode
- Michael's botched " Danke Shoen" song (" Donkey chains! Oh donkey chains!" ) from My Wife and Kids
- at Christmastime, singing "Good King Wenceslas" like Kim on Yes Dear: "Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen. *hums in tune* Who the hell is Steven?"
- calling Frank on Blue Bloods a "pompous ass" from a time a friend of mine called him that and we were baffled
- randomly humming the Soap theme song around the house

- calling out "Foreman!" whenever we saw the Steelers coach because he looked so much like Foreman on House

- her saying her favorite Sheldon line: "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry Christmas."

- her saying her favorite Emmett line from Queer As Folk: "A song and a snack can turn any moment into an occasion."
- whenever we heard the name Josh we'd laugh out "Josh Fuckface!" from the episode of The Goldbergs
- me quoting something the commentator said during a particularly bad Eagles game when something went wrong: "The ball fell off the tee...and that about sums it up."
- her quoting Jim Gaffigan's bit about reading in church without his glasses, "Tell Jesus 'hey'"
- when we saw a fire on TV, her going "they could use a wooden spoon" -- because when I was 11 and a kitchen towel caught on fire, i threw it in the sink and tried to beat the fire out with a wooden spoon (LOL)
- Saying "Hey, that's not nice -- I need my feet!" -- because one time Damian stepped on Mikey's foot on purpose and we heard from the next room him yell that in all seriousness, we laughed so hard because of HOW it was said.
- Quoting the stupid shit Steve said over the years: " Did I eat yet?" (the episode of SPN when Dean said that, we screamed and then laughed so hard we had to pause it), "It's in the square box!", "I can't eat when the dog is looking at me!"...
- The way Norton said "Luluuuu!" on The Honeymooners (her Grandmother's name)


- so fucking many things I KNOW but aren't coming to me right now...

I'm just remembering her hands. I can vividly see them. They were bigger than mine, and she thought it was so odd that mine were not only small, but that (with the exception of my pinky) I could wear the same ring size on all of my fingers. Sometimes she liked to wear a lot of rings, including one on her middle knuckle (a garnet heart -- the ring I wear on my right pinky). I remember how when her nails got too long, they started to curl under. And though I'm sure she'd rather me not, I just remember her feet, not big (size 7) but wide and how she could never get her damn heels to NOT be dry and cracked. She had dry skin in general, so thanks for that among many great genes you passed on, Ma. :-P She had a little purple rose tattoo on her right outer ankle, something my father almost made her get; she got it higher up away from the bone so it didn't hurt as much. She also had his name that he tattooed on her thigh with Indian ink when they were younger. (He has two hearts with their initials on his right arm done the same way -- I haven't thought of that in a long time, since I haven't seen it in a long time -- he was forever walking around the house without his shirt, but ever since his heart surgery and the scars/dip in his chest, he always wears it.) So many little things... The purple Chatties flip flops she wore in and still wore year after year even after we got new ones; I still have them. (She has a new purple pair hanging on the wall in the kitchen since she got a kick out of us almost having flip-flops named after us -- the way our last name is pronounced.) I'm vividly seeing her lipstick print on her coffee cup, the big 6ABC one she had for years; the morning news sent it to her when she sent in a picture of Stevie and Little Stevie for their morning segment, cute pictures of people sleeping. I bought her an Impractical Jokers coffee cup that she used the last couple years of her life, orange inside, her 2nd fave color after purple, adorned with "Larry!" in different font styles, as Joe was her favorite and his "Larry!" bit was her favorite thing he did. 

She loved to listen to her music loud, and she ALWAYS listened to it when she cleaned. She listened to Genesis/Phil Collins, Queen, Aerosmith, The Drifters, Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Brad Paisley, Blake Shelton, Kansas, Bach, and Joe Pesci's My Cousin Vinny album (Vincent LaGuardio Gambino Sings Just For You) among many others. I, too, am always more productive if I'm listening to music, but I prefer mine through headphones; and I, too, have very eclectic tastes. I've never changed the CDs in her 5-disc changer in the living room; it hasn't been turned on since October 2018. She had a very nice singing voice, nothing big and surprising but soothing and pleasant. I'd give anything to have a recording of it, as I can't clearly hear it. And she had a big, booming laugh when something really got her going -- I especially hear her laughing at the Jokers, Sal delivering the calf and lacklusterly petting it going "Everybody loves ya...", Joe banging on the drums and making the loud "caw"ing sounds in Hawaii. The things I usually was the most uncomfortable having her hear in movies/shows were the things that made her laugh the loudest; the examples that always come to mind are Banky in Chasing Amy saying "You have some idiotic notion that this girl would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?!" and Brian in Queer As Folk saying, of another gay retreat, "I'd rather have my tongue superglued to a lesbian's twat" and Brian again telling Michael he didn't tell his boyfriend a big lie, "That's not a big fat lie. A big fat lie is 'I won't cum in your mouth.'"  As I was shrinking into the chair, she was cackling, and I wanted to go "MOTHER!" LOL... 

Something I never really realized until the last couple years of her life was how much she liked to stand out. She didn't want to be the center of attention, but she didn't like to blend in. She wasn't a By the Book kind of person. For my cousin's October baby shower, she bought Halloween boxes for the gifts. I went "Everyone else is going to have baby shower stuff and we're gonna have THOSE?! I'll be so embarrassed!" and she went "Oh no, we won't fit in -- who cares!" I cared, lol. She would walk to the gas station to get her cigarettes in pajama pants, and I was so fucking embarrassed if she wore the leggings with Christmas lights on them, lol. For her 60th birthday party she wore black leggings and knee-high socks with flamingos on them. She'd wear a bow tie for fun. She HATED pink almost my entire life, but the last few years she found herself enjoying it. I gave her some tank tops to decide which would look best with her pant suit for a wedding, and she said "Believe it or not, I like the hot pink one." Every Halloween we'd argue over purple being or not being a Halloween color. "It's NOT a Halloween color! WHAT about Halloween is purple?!" I'd say. "What about Halloween is RED?!" she'd counter. "...Blood!" LOL! God I miss decorating for Halloween with her... The whole house was decked out, even more in some spots than Christmas. No one could decorate like she could. She said in another life, she would've loved to have been an interior designer or a florist. She loved spider plants and I desperately try to keep the 4 we have alive (as well as the others that I have no idea what they are); Stevie tried to comfort me, "Mommy killed more plants than you ever could. Don't worry about it." But by the time I was aware, she had a green thumb, and I want to keep her plants alive for as long as I possibly can. They're not as happy with me as they were with her, but I'm doing my best. When she died, it became my responsibility to keep every living thing in this house alive...and that's a lot of pressure on one person. She was SO PISSED the second to last day of her life when she found out I hadn't watered the plants at all while she was in the hospital, so it's the first thing I did when I got home that Saturday. (Sorry, Ma, have been more concerned that YOU are alive from day to day, and I have barely eaten from being so scared that I lost 15 pounds in a week...but I'll water the fucking plants!! :-P ) 

She was never the kind of person who wanted to watch the same movie or show over and over again, while my father and I will watch something we enjoy to DEATH. But there were the exceptions as time went by. We watched The Birdcage at least once a year, watched Father of the Bride and the sequel until she never wanted to see them again, Heart and Souls always held a special place in our hearts, we got so excited whenever Vice Versa was on, she loved watching Dogma whenever it came on (her fave of Kevin Smith's movies), and then SHE had to watch the Harry Potter marathon whenever it was on to the point I was sick of it! She went from not caring in the least about HP, then she watched one with me and was HOOKED -- we rented the whole series (the first 6 up to that point) for $9.75 (get it? <3 ) and watched them all; her faves were the first 2 when they were still little. Then we watched reruns of Supernatural on TNT all the time after we binged and caught up, she'd DVR her favorite episodes to keep. I made SPN decorations for her birthday in 2017 and she loved the picture of Dean and Crowley at the bar in their cowboy hats so much that she made a frame for it and kept it on the cabinet in the kitchen; it's still there today. 

She loved owls and we have a massive bookshelf my father made on the wall in the living room to keep all of her figurines. She got away from owls a bit as she got older and got more into flamingos, but she still enjoyed anything owl. For years, Aunt Denise always gave her one for Christmas. Our kitchen is decorated in tropical stuff, flamingos and parrots among other things; used to be even more decorated years ago, back when our kitchen was still "fiesta green". She used to decorate the backyard so nicely in leis and other tropical things, it looked so beautiful with the plants all the way around the canopy. She would decorate to perfection and it took her hours or even days to get things just how she wanted it -- and then when it came to Christmas decorations, she would keep moving certain shit ALL MONTH LONG and I'd come downstairs and just stare at a spot and go "You moved it AGAIN?" and she'd laugh "Yeah. So what? Shut up. Leave me alone." It took her DAYS to decorate the tree, and past the age of like 12 I was no longer even allowed to help. She'd get it set up, then put the lights on, sit back and have a cigarette and look at it to make sure they were how she wanted, then start putting certain things on for awhile, sit back and have another cigarette and a cup of coffee or cinnamon apple tea and look at it and decide what to do next... The last thing was always the little ribbons and/or poinsettias. Those were about Day Three of Tree Trimming. Eventually it was fun to just watch her work. And sing to the music we had on. For years we always put on the Yule Log that played music, then they started making more. We'd have them on in the background, or eventually I'd put on the Christmas playlists on Pandora on my phone. It was so peaceful and happy, her doing her thing, me doing mine, but we were enjoying something together. THAT...is what I miss so desperately -- that comfort with her. And I cannot decorate for Halloween or Christmas anymore...because it doesn't mean anything without her, and Christmas music just makes me cry. Specials and movies that we watched for YEARS...I now haven't seen since 2017. I can't bring myself to watch Christmas Vacation without her. That was ours. And I don't want it to be a sad thing...so I just choose to leave it behind for now. I cried every single episode of Supernatural the final 2 seasons without her. I'm not ready to do that with the holidays. 

She always wore blue eyeliner and mascara, and she separated her eyelashes, "spidering" I believe I've heard it called. I used to watch her do her makeup in the mornings when I was younger. Even when she was sick, she still did it -- ever since the day she went without it and our new neighbor came knocking on the door looking for my father...and asked her if her SON was home! LOL.... She never wore eyeshadow. As almost everyone knows, what she DID wear was pajama pants and her famous purple sweatshirt. She was always in pajamas, and she never wore a bra unless she left the house or someone came over because she could breathe better without one. She also loved her slippers and went through them easily. I have the last pair she ever wore, along with a duplicate pair I bought for myself to wear after she died -- pale pink with polka dots. There are other pairs in her closet, along with the pajama pants she has hanging up in there. I mean it when I say I've changed virtually NOTHING, and that's the way I need it for now. That is why the living room still has the orange Halloween doiles and pumpkin placemats on the tables. It's a comfort for me. If I weren't stuck here with Steve, I could deal differently but with him...I NEED to keep her presence around or I just couldn't make it. 

 

We loved morbid things together. For literally 20 years, we watched all kinds of paranormal shows together. October was everything for us -- our favorite month, our favorite season, our favorite holiday. (Which is why it's so unbelievably fucking CRUEL that she died on Halloween...) If there was ever a nice cooler breeze during the summer I'd exclaim "It feels like October!" because that was the epitome and comfort and happiness. I'm looking at the Monster High doll she bought me, Frankie Stein. We loved the goriest makeups on Face Off. I remember excitedly showing her a picture I saw of windows that were shaped like coffins and she thought it was the coolest thing. She never liked horror movies when I was growing up, but as soon as The Conjuring came out, she just HAD to see it because we loved Ed and Lorraine Warren -- we watched it on Mother's Day 2015. ( *cries* That was just 6 years ago?!) We even went to see the second one in the theatre...and that's when I learned she was one of those people who sat there going "Oh what's gonna happen? Oh no, oh no!" and I wanted to move seats because it annoyed the ever living fuck out of me! LOL... I'd give anything to have her do that now. It's funny that I say she didn't like horror because she LOVED Stephen King. She was forever reading his books when I was growing up. She could read it, but she didn't like to watch it -- with the exception of IT. I remember wanting to stay up to watch the mini-series with her in the early '90s. (I remember her reading IT when I was little, the cover was just a sewer grate, and we had one of them right in front of our house -- I would throw pennies down there calling for Pennywise. Explains so much, doesn't it? LOL )  And she was SO EXCITED for the remakes. I vividly remember when I rented 2017 IT for us to watch (after I'd seen it in the theatres), she LOVED IT so much she watched it again the next day and it hurts to remember her excitedly saying "I can't wait to see the next one! I can't wait to see who they pick to play them as adults!" That was SO HARD to go see without her on my birthday in 2019. It's especially emotional for me because it's the movie that made me fall in love with Bill Hader and later PJ Ransone, and I KNOW she would've loved adult Richie and Eddie. I wish I could've shared Richie and Eddie with her.  And she wanted to see the Pet Sematary remake, as well, which I think she would've really enjoyed, especially since John Lithgow, who she always liked, was in it. And now it's going to be sad next month for me to watch the third Conjuring without her. 

Speaking of my love for Bill... He was the very first person that I cared about that I couldn't share with her. My entire life, 33 years, ANYONE I liked -- actor or musician -- she got into with me. She did the same with my brothers, as I remember the afternoon we all sat in the living room listening to Rob Zombie. They got her into Stone Temple Pilots and Alice in Chains. And with me...it was so many people and so many things. First was New Kids on the Block. Not long after it was Michael Jackson -- and when things got bad in 1992, she was the only one in my life who believed he was innocent, and that meant the world to me. She spent money she didn't really have to subscribe me to his magazine. Later she listened to Hanson with me, and soon after it was all about the Backstreet Boys. In true Donna form, her favorite song was the raunchiest. She always loved AJ, and after several months I switched from Nick to AJ. I remember when we found out his wife was pregnant and having a girl, I hear her, "Oh he's wanted kids for so long! And he's gonna be a GREAT dad, especially for a little girl!" It touched me so much that she knew him that well. We watched Dancing with the Stars for Nick Carter and she was always defensive when he got criticized -- I'm so sad she couldn't watch AJ on there, too. She listened to *NSYNC, LFO, and 98 Degrees with me, watched Making the Band on Friday nights with me...  I NEVER talked about having crushes on anyone past a certain age (but I do clearly remember asking her when I was 13 how she knew she was in love with my father because I thought I was in love with Jordan Knight, LMFAO!)...but of course she knew. (Sadly, the first and only time I ever even talked to her about wanting to get married and have kids, it was several hours before she died when I was trying to convince her to go on the ventilator, asking her with tears in my eyes, " Do you want to live to see me get married? Do you want to live to see me have kids?"....) When I'd randomly start watching a show or certain movies, I'd want her to watch with me. The only time she ever said anything was the time she got home from work and I told her "I watched Planet of the Apes today," and she stared at me and asked "...Who's in it?" and I responded "...Mark Wahlberg" and she gave me an "Uh huh" look. LOL! Yeah, I had a thing for him briefly, but Donnie was my first celeb love when I was 4 and she and I both followed his career, watching every series he was in together and every talk show appearance. She watched Ben Affleck movies and anytime he was on talk shows with me, Joaquin Phoenix's movies and his quirky interviews with me, Liev Schreiber movies and his episodes of CSI, Skeet Ulrich's CSI: NY and Law & Order: LA, Jason Lee movies and My Name is Earl, Tim Olyphant movies, Vincent D'Onofrio movies and Criminal Intent (...I think we shared that crush, honestly LOL, as well as Jeffrey Dean Morgan who SHE was just as excited to see whenever he was on talk shows; I was so sad I couldn't share the "Here's Negan" episode of TWD with her). She actually got ME into Ghost Adventures, but I can just hear her thoughts the day I watched the marathon with her just before Halloween 2009, "Oh God, now she likes Zak...here we go..." as well as getting her into Josh Gates and his shows, which she ended up enjoying even more than I did. I'm just remembering getting her to watch The Killers with me and she was intrigued, as well as getting her into The Voice and Adam Levine. And of course I got her into the Jokers and she loved it just as much as I did; I'm sure she realized I had a crush on Q, and she loved him for how much he loved animals. She even watched Naked and Afraid XL for Steven Lee Hall, Jr with me even though she was past the point of caring about the show. *sigh* All my life, I could share it with her. When she died, all of that stopped in a big way -- I didn't even HAVE those feelings for nearly a year, I just existed and got through my day, nothing made me happy, nothing much made me smile, not even the Jokers really made me laugh. And then the person that made my heart start beating again, the person that brought me back to life...Bill Hader...I couldn't share him with her. And I KNOW she would've loved him, and I know she would've loved Barry. I will forever be grateful for her always encouraging anything and anyone that made me happy. And I will always feel guilty that I wasn't as accepting about things she enjoyed, because I could be selfish. I'm sorry, Ma. I wish I'd been better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I'm sorry I didn't learn from your example...but if I ever get to be a mother, I will do the same for my kids that you did for me. It will always remain the most meaningful thing about you for me, you'll never know what it meant to me.

I'm realizing I could write forever and barely scratch the surface. I miss her saying "hisself," "theirselves" and "drownded". I miss her saying things like "I need to clean this joint" for "I need to clean the house." I miss her calling me "chickie" or "boo". I miss her saying "dead ass" instead of "lazy ass". I miss her getting mad at my father and referring to him as a "pussy ass bitch" or a "pussy baby" (LMFAO!). I miss her saying, of people complaining about their children, "That's the fucking you get for the fucking you got". I miss her saying, of people who'd get along well for all the wrong reasons, "They could bump asses." I miss her saying "Lordy Bagordy," "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", "Ah marone!" I miss when one of the cats was trying to sit with her and  there was no space and she'd tell them "there's no room at the inn."  When the phone would keep ringing or there was a lot going on, she'd exclaim "[it's like] Grand Central Station!" When Salem would sit on the arm of the chair and fling her tail around, "you and that deadly tail!" I miss her saying to herself if there was work to be done, "Get your ass in gear, old woman!" (and then I'd yell "You're not old!" ). I miss the can of Pepsi she would start drinking though a straw around 10am and she'd finish it HOURS later, not caring that it got warm or flat, just liking the flavor. I miss eating popcorn with her at night when we were binging SPN, just looking at her and "Popcorn?" "Yeah!"  Later she'd have a bowl of cereal instead, and she liked to mix different cereals together. She also liked to just eat dinner out of a big bowl, putting everything semi-separately, and to my disgusted face, "It's all going to the same place." 

One of my absolute favorite pictures of her EVER is the one I took just before Christmas 2009 when we were making lasagnas. I went to take the picture, and she smiled and gave me the finger at the same time, standing there in her pajamas -- THAT sums up my mother for me in a way no other picture does. I love it. It's us just hanging out, and her being herself, and us having the kind of relationship where we could laugh and say "oh shut up" or "oh fuck you" or call each other "bitch" and we knew it was with love. That was my mom. That was my friend. And that is who I miss desperately. I've been told by multiple people that we were "two peas in a pod," "two halves of the same whole," "soul mates." Aunt Denise says "I could never think of her without thinking of you, and I could never think of you without thinking of her -- you two just went together." And while I feel incredibly grateful to have that kind of relationship and that kind of love for 33 years, I also feel incredibly robbed to have only had it for 33 years. Losing her literally changed every aspect of my life. I lost my go-to, my sidekick, my partner in crime, my other half of my heart and soul. And in my worst moments, I still wish I'd made good on what I told her when I was 8 years old -- "When you die, I have to die, too. I can't live without you." 

Thank you for being my mom. No matter how long we had together, it never would've been enough -- but I'd still give anything for more time. I miss you every single day. I've come a very long way since I lost you, but there will never be a day I don't miss you and wouldn't sacrifice anything to bring you back. I love you so much. And even after all of this...I still feel like I don't have enough words.


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May 9, 2021
by raen

Happy Mothers Day to the moms out there.

 

Today, Kai and I made a decision to start writing a coming of age book that is based on our own experiences. We've got a lot of stories from our childhood to start with. I'm feeling pretty good about it.  I'm going to gather some stories and memories from family members as well to incorporate them in as well. I think I'll need a Pseudonym, though. My real name inspires thoughts of porn stars and not author. Lol No one looks at a book written by "Tiffany" and thinks, this will be a good read. They're going to think "Pornography?" LOL Oh well. This will probably take us years to write, but I think it'll be worth it. If not for anything else, I want us both to have copies of it. But it would be pretty cool to publish it and have people enjoy it. 

 

In other news, I'm in the middle of a full body ache/exhaustion situation. I'm having a flare without the hives and I'm irritated and exhausted. I went to work today and dragged my feet the entire day. It took me ages to complete any of my tasks. It was such a task. Ugh. I hate days like this. I feel so useless and it's frustrating. I feel like crawling into bed and not getting up for days. Blaaaahhhhhh Bur instead, I am writing down ideas for a book. 

 

 


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.x. Getting Easier
by Darenda

So, things between me and David aren't as tense and are getting easier, but he is still a dick regardless.  I'm loving the hell out of Jacob.  Like, I feel like he gets me.  He listens to me bitch, even when I'm probably rude as fuck to him. I don't mean to be like that, just comes with the territory I guess.  I know I enjoy talking to him, or not even talking, just sitting on the phone and knowing he's there.  There's talk about him moving down here, but he has to figure out a transfer with his job.  His current job, there aren't any openings, he could take another job with the same company, it would just be a HUGE paycut for him and I don't want him to do that.  Like, he's living comfortable you know?  It'd be selfish of me to take that away.  I know he could give me and the kids a really nice life, but that's not what I want from him.  Of COURSE I'd love my own place, but it's more than that.  He shouldn't sacrafice just to make me happy.  Couples have to make sacrafices together, I just dont know what my sacrafice needs to be yet :(.


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entry 12
by eyeore's twin


finally a hotspot

So since I got my CGM things have been great well my first week 3 sensors failed but customer service was great this time i ordered some patches that goes over it and it's working better and a great help

Finally this week I got a hotspot for Bren and I to share at the house it's so nice not having to go downtown to deal with our online business

things between Bren and I are better I guess we're communicating a little better

My biological dad and I are I don't know he seems to think I am the only one who can try in my relationship with my sister I mean I do understand her issues with me I mean when things went bad with my mom I got on a plane told them I would be back in a few weeks and never came back so now shes the only one left to take care of my Mom but I can't help it speaking of my mom I've been having nightmares about her lately and the other night I dreamed that she killed me and that everyone at my funeral were happy I was gone. I know I probably need to make an appointment with my therapist and maybe need to talk to my ned provider as well.

I went to my primary care Dr. and it was a mess his office called and said he needed to see me so I go and I want to talk to him anyway cause my hair is falling out in clumps and so I get there and hes confused why i'm there and figures I haven't seen the new diabetic Dr and is having his nurse call him to find out why then I had to stop him and then tell him his office called me to come in and I tell him about my hair and was like do you have a thyroid issue and he refilled my fibro meds and said i'll see you in 6 months so I guess when I see my Endo in July I'll ask him. I got my first vaccine last week so in a few I'll get my final one.

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Again Huge Battle...
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

Been a huge battle to write this. They have been hitting me hard. Degrading. Tormenting. Hurting. Sitting here. Had to go inside and then outside the house about 3 times now. Taken me hours to begin. I have had so many people tell me t hat I shouldnt put myself out there emotionally on facebook AKA fakebook because it shows weakness and it allows people to take advantage of me which has happened several times, resulting in my own interview  being stolen and told it would be used for something evil weather I like it or not. Yeah. Fun times. But what they dont get is that I have been on here for 11 years and always bared my heart and soul, so I guess I really dont see the point in stopping now, when everyone who watches me knows I have worn my heart on my sleeve my entire whole life. I am making boundaries for myself now, which is extremely hard for me, like hard like when a fish is caught in a hook and cant get away, that is how I feel. Because, I am someone who does not always know what balance is, in an experiential way. Like, I am one extreme or the other. But if you had had to live through what I have for 30 years, and esp the past 8? I will be honest with you, most of you would not have made it this far. Not that I dont believe in you, but I  have had friends who were NOWHERE near bad as me,. andthey killed themselves. It still hurts. Shoutout to Janet Murray, my dear sweet friend. I didnt say any of that to condemn you, only to try to get people to comprehend. Which is pointless. So I will jsut be me, and say whatever I want. I cant swallow properly, there is something like...As if layers of skin, or cheesecloth type thing has taken over my throat, and rerouted my whole body. I can prove everything that i wil,l say btw. I have learned the hard way to only speak the things that can be proven to the naked eye. At least on here. The lies of spies and the friends of Job are everywhere, aren't you? I see you. 

ANYWAYS I just feel so defeatedf alot of the time, and I know so many of you can relate to that, because its like you try everything everyone suggests and they are so gosh darn excited about what CURED them then their excitement rubs off on you and you spend every last penny on these things, these stupid material things, and then they dotn work, or if they do, its only temporary. Heres a small tip for ya. WHAT WORKS FOR ONE PERSON MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU. AND NOT ONLY MAY IT NOT WORK FOR YOU  BUT WHAT HELPED THEM MAY HURT YOU. That is why I implore you to turn to God and Jesus Christ THE REAL ONE NOT THE FAKE ONE, CUZ THE FAKE ONE IS MEAN AS ALL GET OUT. But the real Jesus Christ of Nazareth, NEVE3R CONDEMNS YOU. SO ALL YOU OUT THERE USING THE NAME OF CHRIST TO INFLICT HURT AND PAIN, AND DISCOURAGE THE PEOPLE OF GOD AND THOSE WHO WILL BE BROUGHT INTO THE FOLD? SHAME ON YOU AND THE LORD REBUKE YOU. I am clean, by the blood of Jesus and guess what? FATHER GOD FORGAVE ME OF ALL MY SINS HE DOES NOT WITHHOLD FORGIVENESS WHEN WE ASK FOR IT. So many are using the Bible and God as weapons to accuse and hurt us. STOP IT BECAUSE THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT TAKE KINDLY WHEN YOU HURT HIS BABYGIRLS AND HIS SONS. Okay. Ive said my peace about that. 

GETTING THE FLESHLY THINGS OUT OF OUR LIVES IS HARDER THAN YOU THINK. I MEAN JUST FOR THOSE COFFEE DRINKERS OUT THERE, I WILL USE THAT AS AN EXAMPLE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO OR SAY IF GOD ASKED YOU TO QUIT DRINKING IT FOR SAY 3 WEEKS STRAIGHT? I KNOW I KNOW, YOUD SAY YES OF COURSE I WILL. JUST WAIT TILL ABOUT THE 2ND OR 3RD DAY. I KNOW YOU GUYS CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN YOU, MY SOUL FAMILY, BUT LISTEN.......THE THINGS OF THIS WORLD THE COFFEE, THE NICE CLOTHES, THE CARS, THE JEWELRY THE FAST FOOD THE THINGS YOU DO TO COMFORT YOURSELF IN THIS WORLD THAT IS NOT GOD? WHAT IF THEY WERE JUST GONE AND ALL YOU HAD WAS YOURSELF AND GOD. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? BECAUSE THAT TIME IS COMING SOONER THAN YOU THINK AND YOU NEED TO BE READY TO HAVE THE EARTH, HOPEFULLY YOUR FAMILY...AND GOD. AND THE CLOTHES ON YOUR BACK. BECAUSE THE THINGS WE CLING SO DESPERATELY TO RELALY ARE GOING TO NOT BE AVAILABLE TO US AT SOME POINT, AND THAT IS WHY GOD IS SO URGENT NOW ABOUT THESE THINGS. THESE THINGS THAT WE TURN TO FOR COMFORT, LOVE STABILITY, ROUTINE, OH THE ROUTINES. THE TRYING TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FIBERS AND MOLD. OH MY GOD, IF YOU ONLY COMPREHENDED WHAT WILL HAPPEN. I LOVE YOU. WE NEED TO CHANGE, GUYS. WE REALLY  NEED TO CHANGE. AND FAST. I MEAN REALLY QUICKLY. ALL THESE THINGS? THEY WILL FADE...THEY WILL BE...RENDERED USELESS IF THE3RES NO ELECTRICITY. 

PERSONALLY I GREW UP CAMPING AND ROUGHING IT, SO IM GOOD WITH CAMPFIRES AND MAKING FOOD OVER THAT. BUT EVENTUALLY THE FOOD WILL RUN OUT. WE WILL SEE. ALL IM SAYING IS THAT WE REALLY NEED TO WORK ON GIVING UP THINGS NOW, ONE AT A TIME, AS YOUR HOLY SPIRIT LEADS YOU. ITS REALLY EASY TO IGNORE THE SPIRITS VOICE, OR TO TELL YOURSELF THAT WAS THE ENEMY, THAT WAS AI, THAT WAS MY OWN THOUGHT, THAT WAS THE DEVIL A DEMON A HOAX. YOUR GUT KNOWS WHEN ITS THE HOLY SPIRIT AND GOING AGAINST IT IS ALWAYS COSTLY, I AM LIVING PROOF OF THAT. DONT BE LIKE I WAS. DONT TAKE THE PATH OF RUNNING AWAY FROM THE THINGS THAT HUNT YOU DOWN AND HAUNT YOU. TURN AND FACE THEM. ITS THE ONLY WAY. I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND DO JUST THAT. OH HOW I WISH THAT. I WISH IT VERY MUCH. MY HEART BREAKS AT THE PAIN I HAVE CAUSED BECAUSE I WAS RUNNING FROM THE SUFFERING, AND YET BECAME SUFFERING ITSELF. PAIN INSIDE AND WITHOUT. I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU GUYS ARE HURTING. I AM SO SORRY THAT THEY HURT YOU. I AM SO SORRY THAT THINGS WERE DONE THAT NEVER SHOULDE HAVE BEEN. YOU DESERVE BETTER,. AND THE ENEMIES WE HAVE WILL SOON BE GONE, AND OUR REPORT CARD WILL NOT BE FAR BEHIND COMING. BOYS OH BOYS YIKES IM SCARED TO SEE MINE. THERES BOOKS RECORDING EVERY BREATH WE TAKE, EVER SIGH, EVERY TEAR, EVERY ANGRY WORD, EVERY TERRIBLE THOUGHT, EVERY LIKE AND DISLIKE, FAVORITES OF EVERYTHING, THINGS WE DESPISE. Im gonna get off this soapbox now, but please know that you are loved beyond all human comprehension and that longing that we have felt since day 1 of being in our homes and yet longing, aching, even physically to JUST GO HOME. Well maybe we will soon. When we pass the test? When we overcome? Who knows. 

But I want to live in a way that pleases God and leaves no room for doubt as to weather I am His. So that when people speak a lie about  me, it will actually be a lie, and can be cast down. To live a life of integrity, and honesty and honor, and purity before God and mankind. Compassion and above all agape love ruling every aspect of my life. THE SUN WILL NOT SMITE US BY DAY NOR THE MOON BY NIGHT. And yet when full moon comes we are always feeling it. WE HAVE TO DECLARE WHAT THE WORD SAYS OVER OUR LIVES IT CANT JUST ACTIVATE BY ITSELF. THE SUN WILL NOT SMITE ME BY DAY NOR THE MOON BY NIGHT IN THE NAME OF JESUS. 

Okay. Im out. I love you. Take care. Talk soon. <3


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I am freaking the fuck out. Like just two more weeks and I will be in Ryan's Arms and I fucking can't wait. We been bickering though because I think he is freaking out even though he denies it. So I been keeping myself busy, this weekend i had fun canvassing for a local election that our local DSA-Houston endorsed. So friggin excited and hope she wins and if she does it will be amazing for our organization. After canvassing I went out with some of the canvassers for beer. We were physically exhausted that we were like we all want some cold beer. The weather was beautiful and perfect so we went to this local hangout that is outdoors. I love going there. I only had three beers, and the whole day I was bickering with Ryan and he was just ignoring me sigh so I was pissed off by the time I left the bar. Then we got into this screaming match and i was bawling my eyes out and he was upset because he upset me. Like we are both fucking stress. He thinks i won't like him when i see him and i am like there is no fucking way i wont. Like he has no idea how much I do infact love him. But he is about to find out on May 13th. On Sunday I was so damn stressed out and exhausted that my friend invited me to go smoke with him so i did. And we watched anime while smoking. It was fun. And I really needed that outlet. Cali has legal weed so I can't wait to smoke with Ryan at our hotel room. Ryan is also in DSA but in his town. So my friends toasted us and are excited for me.

Today I worked from home so I am able to try on clothing in between breaks. I got two of my orders today and just need my last order.
So most everything fits except two items. I get my last order Thursday and then tomorrow I should get another of Ryan's gifts and then hopefully next week I get the last gift. If I don't get his last gift then I am going to be upset. Because that is the gift he would love the most. Ughhh!

Anyways that is all I have for today. I am going to try to chill. This weekend I am going hiking with Lucky at a nearby trail outside of Houston. Can't wait!

Peace, Valencia
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Clothing shopping.
by valencia
Last night I couldn't go to sleep so I ordered a bunch of clothes. Spent about 200 but I got so many cool stuff. And of course lingerie. I bought some things that I know he would love. He loves lace for some reason. So I bought some lingerie with lace. I hope it arrives in plenty of time. And I hope it fits me. And i bought one item from Torrid and holy fuck i forgot how expensive Torrid is. I hope to place another order from Forever 21 because i found a few things from there i love. But i spent the most money at Shein. My coworker gets all her clothing there and it is very fashionable.

I hope he loves everything but I love it too.

So I don't have to take uber, my dad said that when he comes and picks up Lucky he would take me to the airport. So I can save money there.

Anyways that is all I have.
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San Fran
by valencia
If everything works out the way it should I will be in San Francisco May 13th through the 17th. Ryan got both of his shots , he got his last shot last thursday. So I booked my flight that same night. Lol! And I am a nervous wreck. Omg! Flights and hotel are booked. I even bought new luggage. I bought so many gifts for Ryan. I might need another suitcase. Lol! And I ordered even more things on Saturday from etsy. Lol! My job gave me that Friday and Monday off. I fly back home on Monday at lunch time. I leave Thursday night my flight leaves at 8:55. I get out of work at 5:30 so I am going to ask my boss if I can switch my day in the office for working at home. I usually work from home M,W,F so that week I want to work at the office on Wed and Thursday I will work at home. If I work from the office on that day, I will be screwed because I would get out at 5:30 of work then come off and it takes me about an 1 hr with traffic to get home then I would have to take a shower then I would have to call uber. I probebly would not get to the airport until 7 30 which would be okay but depending how long security is and I have luggage that I have to check in so I need enough time because if not omg I will be freaking out. I live 6 miles from the airport so I can call Uber and they will take me to the airport. I am going to have everything packed and ready to go by 5:30 PM because my plan is to get to the airport no later than 6:30 PM. I am going to take a shower and put some comfy airport clothes then get the uber and go to the airport. I am a planner , I plan everything. Lol I am weird! I hope I don't get nauseous on the plane but after I get through security then I will I buy some water and ice and probably some ginger ale. I think I will be to nervous to actually eat a full meal. I will probebly eat some protein so I can be just full for the remainder of the 4 hr flight.

I privatized all my previous posts, I wanted a fresh start.
So I have Emmanuel blocked on fb and my phone and he is still trying to contact me. The messages go to my blocked messages though.

My dad will be taking care of Lucky.

My 90 days will be up on the 30th of this month for my job. Hopefully I make it through I am kind of nervous about that also.

Anyways that is all I have! I will update soon.
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entry 11
by eyeore's twin


Meltdowns

So I have great news tomorrow I get my continuous glucose meter finally after last night when my sugars were all over the place and I had a meltdown because I was feeling well all day but when I got home from church I checked my blood sugar before my snack and it was 300 then 312 then after a breakdown and me crying into Bren's arms about how much I hate this disease my sugar went down to 78 right before I went to bed. Life has been crazy I love Bren but she has a habit of instead of telling me her needs and wants she has her case manager discuss it with me then after the crap she pulled with getting an apartment together and me ending up in the group home because of it she's trying to pressure me to move to Wichita because she wants out of Newton and she always is wanting to be anywhere but where she is and I can't risk it again I refuse to go back to my nomadic and transient lifestyle I need some structure and roots in my life. I love her so much I really do I am just scared seeing we both have issues especially with communication and I would really rather not having our treatment teams doing our communication for us. Church is going good I'm in the soundbooth every week right now which is pretty cool.



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I have been seeing people all my life through rose colored glasses. Because I wanted to believe the best. Wanted to believe they loved me. But my god apparently 90% if not more of the people in my life have seen in a very different light then I tried to view them. EVERYONE IS COUNTERFEIT. EVERYONE LIES. EVERYONE SAYS WHAT THE OTHER WANTS TO HEAR. UNTIL THEY DONT. Until a small  offense is commited againt them, and then the bottled up things they always wanted to say spew out in inapporopriate forms, and...It causes more hurt than you could ever imagine. STOP BOTTLING UP THE LITTLE THINGS YOU THINK ABOUT PEOPLE...Like...Wow shes selfish. Wow shes mean. Wow shes rude, etc. THE DOUBTS BUILD UP AND IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS PEOPLE HURT EACH OTHERS FEELINGS THAT IS JUST THE WAY THAT IT IS. So when you dont tell the truth about how you feel about someone and then they do something that upsets you, ALL THAT COMES OUT AT ONCE. Dont even try to deny it. 

Moving on, to my father. All my life I saw him as my hero, he would put me up on his shoulders, and I felt like the tallest person alive, and thought he was the strongest. And how I would pretend to be sleeping in the backseat when him me and my mom would come home from somewhere, just so that he would carry me in like a baby and put me to bed. I felt safe then which is almost never my whole life. And warm. And giggled inside. Also when he would read me a story before bed, I would always grab the thickest one of my books that I could find just to keep him  near me for longer. And for my whole lifetime, that was the image I had of him, even when he broke me into a million little pieces and basically handed me the metaphorical broom and dustpan and said BYE. But in reality? Those were only moments, snapshots in a life, filled with terror and rejection, and I am getting dizzy even trying to type this from the man who has been  hacking this computer and wifi for months if not longer. Hes black. Sits there with headphones, wore a wifebeater, and I saw him for a split second, oops. Just...Watching. Through the screen. ANYWAYS, that is not what this is about...This is about my dad. Who when I was scared of the shadow people who harassed and even abducted me at night? And the demons on the ceiling. And the cloaked milita.ry people coming up the stairs? Outside too. He chased me out of his bedroom in a fit of rage because I woke him up and he thought I was crazy. Even as a child. Sometimes I would be lucky enough and my mom would step in so I got to sleep on their floor beside the bed. I could NEVER go to him with any of my problems and yet I adored him. We would go on ' dates ' and go get food and just be together. Then when I was 15 I THINK, he started cheating on my mom, who knwosx how long it was really going on. And he wouldnt give up this bitch, so he abandoned me for her and her two kids. I was an only child, this bully was the only man in my life, and the only one I ever had up to them who was an example of how men were supposed to be. What a joke. I used to watch him raise his  hands and praise God in church, knowing full well where he would be that night. I saw other fathers growing up who had major temper issues, yelling at their families weather I or anyone else was there or not. Gotta love the realness of these pricks tho. My dad broke my heart. In my mind, leaving me for those 2 kids was the worst betrayal I had ever endured then. Taking them places, buying them things, giving them the love I so desperated craved and dare I say DESERVED as his ONLY CHILD. THEY ADOPTED ME FOR GODS SAKE WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM. My mom with her temper issues, and emotional basketcase-ness. I never felt loved from her, except in small moments. I TOOK CRUMBS FROM PEOPLE MY WHOLE LIFE. And built those crumbs into a statue. I saw it as a stone statue, but it was just bread. Falible. Frail. Knockable over. STUPID. Then my mentor invited me to a ' safe place ' with her and her husband, only to find out pretty quickly he was a perverted POS that TRULY BELIEVES UNLESS VAGINAL PENITRATION HAPPENS, NOTHING IS CHEATING. And I do mean nothing. I paid dearly just for being alive and breathing my entire life. The wholeness of my life has been a waste. The moments...The moments were beautiful. But the whole? A fucking throwaway. Im done pretending. I WAS BORN WITH THIS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND TENDER HEART. For some reason this world wanted me dead before I was even born. Wish I could write my book. If anyone would even read it. Who knows. What I d o know is tender hearts, on sleeves, make for very bad expieriences for those with the essense of agape love in their very breathe,....Their blood pumping in time with the heart of IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. And its like the puppy, you kick it, it dont bite you, it comes running into your lap with kisses over and over and over. Im sick. Im just so tired. This life wasnt worth it. Cept for my son. See ya. 


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live.avon.com/?rep=kimberlygroves April 13th 8pm est  click on link to the right , see all our new products live and shop live with me!

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves


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So, tomorrow is the 33rd anniversary of my mother's death.  If I remembered her more, I think I could grieve her loss more.  I think I grieve the loss of what I could have had more. Just my opinion. I don't get maudlin about her death.  It is what it is...

Speaking of family, I was able to speak to both my grandma and aunt today.  That is enough to make me smile any day.  I also wrote my grandma and a family friend.  Their mail is going out tomorrow in the post.  I paid most of my  current bills today.  It has been a busy "day off".  I don't have much of my stimulus check left now due to bills and paying my grandma back.  (And rent is not paid, or due, yet. I have that covered however.)  Such is life...haha.

I was able to join in on an art session via Creation Station.  Go art! :) 

Okay, I am out of here....without somewhat risque titles.  Your friendly neighborhood party, Robyn

 


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Brassieres
by vatten m

....bras, over the shoulder boulder holder, whatever you want to call them. They were most definitely created by men to serve as torture devices for women. Just saying...all of you do not have to agree with my opinion.  Haha.  I bet that subject line got all of your attention though.  ;)

 

So, what have I been up to lately?  Two days in a row this week, I was a complete and utter bum.  And it was glorious!  It is spring break for my teaching job so I have only had to work 1 job.  I needed the time off more than words can convey.  

I hired a neighbor boy to mow my yard this summer recently.  How do you know that you are a busy, if an unwilling adult?  You have a lawn boy...haha.  I simply do not have the time to keep up with it. I learned that last year.  It was wild and wooly!  

 

I was just "flirting" with a regular customer.  He has to be all of 2-3 years old and so very animated.  I love when he comes in with his family.  He has such a sunny disposition that makes anyone instantly happy.  Such a cute kid.

 

Okay, I am leaving now.  Have a great day.--Your neighborhood "flirt", Robyn 

 

 


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Hi all,

It's been close to 2 months since the last TOTW themes were posted. As Community Organizer, I've dropped the ball and I am so sorry! Now that I am back, Theme of the Week needs your help!

When I picked TOTW back up in September after a 7 year hiatus, I changed the format to 3 different themes to choose from weekly. I thought that by giving you more theme ideas would help inspire you to write more. It worked for a while but started to become tedious for me to come up with 3 theme topics weekly. Some of you have been very helpful with theme ideas and I am grateful for that and thank you for your help!

I've completely exhausted the suggestions submitted to this diary and I need your help to get TOTW running again. But, first, a bit of a poll:

Should we keep the 3 theme topics a week or go back to one topic a week?

How I have been formatting the 3 themes is: theme 1 is a submission from a blooper, theme 2 is an old theme posted previously, and theme 3 was a theme I chose myself. I've also exhausted all the good old themes as well.

So what I am asking from you guys is two things:

1. Theme idea submissions
2, Suggestions on format (what would make you more excited to visit TOTW and participate?)

Looking forward to your ideas and suggestions!

Beth, Community Organizer

» Submit a theme idea.
» Submit your entry to the TOTW circle.
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Back!!! ack!! ack!!
by ♥ Aime

So yeah, I'm back AGAIN. Made it all official and put my XTRA back on for another year. I've actually had Bloop for a few days, but I had grown my nails really long, and couldn't type - today I had them shortened when she painted them. So, this is really just a "check-in", but, yeah...here I am!!!

 

Aime


1 like, 2 comments
The Dress
by raen

Well, I found my dress. I mean, I already had my eye on one from the stores instagram account, but I needed to be sure. I tried on five dresses before I tried on the one I had my eye on. I decided ballgowns were not for me. How the hell do women walk in those? They weigh a ton! Too much fabric! There was a nice pink one I was into. And it would have been my dress if the one I had my eye on didn't fit well or looked bad or cost too much. However! The one I was interested in checked all my boxes and I have bought myself a dress! I'm so pumped! 

 

Today (the 21st) we go back and start looking for bridesmaids dresses. Each of my bridesmaids have sent me ideas of what they would like, and luckily they're all the same fabric. Hurrah! No fights over fabric choices! Yesssss! I decided the MOH will have a different bouquet than the other two to differentiate them. Easy way to make note of her. 

 

It kind of looks like the wedding might be 1920s themed a little bit. My dress has that feel and Chris wants a suit inspired by the Peaky Blinders.


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Tomorrow I try on my first wedding dress ever. I'm both excited and not. I am because, wow, I'm getting married. And I'm not because I hate trying clothes on. And I have to do it with an audience to boot. Ugh. Oh well....I hope the dress I've had my eye on is in my budget. Luckily the store we're going to isn't crazy expensive. The highest price is $2500, which is above what I've allotted, but still pretty darn reasonable for a wedding dress.

 

Also, I have some monster cramps happening right now. When booking my appointment, I didn't take into account I would be on my period. C'est la vie!  Chris is letting me use his credit card so that he can get a ton of points. Lol what a guy. I'll transfer the amount to him after the fact. 

 

My god these cramps are awful. I just want to sleep, but I'm waiting for Chris to get home before I crash. 

 

Sunday is the bridesmaid dress appointment at the same location. Fingers crossed they find something as well. I'm really into that part of the dress shopping weekend.


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  • got unemployment sorted i hope
  • following week n half later she had her heart stint surgery
  • had a birthday..:(
  • sis and i purged one room of mom’s house  turned it into my Avon office.
  • got a job interview Friday
  • working on achieving Avon Hawaii trip, but sales are so/so right now… i need to sell 15K to achieve and im only at 1k ish in sales… but all the small sells add up so… keep plugging away.
  • working on getting tax stuff so i can drop off to file

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves


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entry 10
by eyeore's twin


7 years

So I have been in the group home 3 weeks now don't have much access to the internet right now but things are going pretty well there but like usual when you have 4 women in a house together it's pretty crazy at times especially 4 women with different mental illnesses. Brenda and I are doing well. Jo is getting married so we went dress shopping with her on saturday we had fun. but since then Jo is pulling her usual crap like making plans and then blowing them off. Today is my 7 year sobriety date and she was supposed to hang out with Bren and I and just like on my birthday something came up but its ok My casemanager took me out for an apple fritter then dropped me off at our favorite coffee shop so bren and I could have coffee I'm typing this while Bren is running an errand downtown. I'm supposed to start school on Monday but I'll have to push that back again My stepdads cousin but I consider him my cousin too and everyone calls him "cousin dave" they thought he had a stroke three weeks ago and then they said it was nothing he's fine it turns out he has a noncurable but manageable type of leukema but it caused some kidney issues and he went from totally mentally there one day to really bad dementia the next they said it could take up to two rounds of chemo for him to get his faculties back so he is sedated and restrained because he tried to rip his IV out.



Sx3.Layouts
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Not Good Eough...
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

I am in Florida with Lanette...I love this place for sure. I am in alot of pain and its been hard trying to get it under control. We went riding and bathed 2 out of the 4 horses today. Seemed to bond with the one, Magnum. I am having a really hard time with a few things. It is very hard to be myself in this situation. I feel this every time I am at someone elses house, its like a being dependant on them, in a way even if you have your own money. I absolutely adore Lanette I feel like shes a mother figure to me and a friend, and thats how I have viewed her for a very long time. 

I am however having a hard time with a few things, and its hard for me to even type about them but here we go. 1. I feel like I have to overcompensate for my lack of ability to work as hard as her. Its actually really draining me, on the inside because I find myself in the moment alright, but its every moment wondering if I spilt something, if I left something out, if I dirtied somethig up with my big fat disgusting sef. Right? And the more I am around her the more I care about her, but the more I feel like shes disappointed in me and does not love me like she did before I came here. That might all be in my head but I d k. I just wanna be me. Im silly, and make stupid mistakes and i am clumsy because of my brain damage, and I trip over things, and I have to hold onto things to hold myelf up and I drop shit all of the freaking time. Its like...NO ONE IS THAT PERFECT. And it scares me because if somethign were to happen and she decides that I am too lazy, or idiotic, or not worth keeping around, I have no way home. I have been treated like shit my whole life, and I really want this to work out so that things are okay. I dont wanna cause problems for anyone but I feel so inadequete for the work that needs to be done here, because she does NOT realize how sick and hte amount of pain I am in. I hide htings. I have mentioned this a few times but i dont wanna make a big deal outta things but I also dont wanna bottle things up. Im sitting here in tears typing this. I have alot more that is in and on my heart. but I cant do it right now. <3


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So theres been a pandemic right? And there is an evicition moratorium. If you cannot pay your rent in my state they do not kick you out. It doesn't apply to us at all because my husband has a job he loves and we have been lucky and been able to pay our rent this whole time. Unfortunately we got a knock on the door 2 days ago. It was our landlord. She knocked and then reached for the handle and TRIED TO JUST WALK IN OUR HOME. I die at that part. No one said come in. She just tried to push in. Weird. Anyway we have to move! They are selling the house!  Only problem is because there is an eviction moratorium there are no open homes for us to rent. People who didn't pay rent can just stay and we're about to not have a place to live. I know life is not fair but man is this not fair. Trying to just marvel at the absurdity of the unfairness instead of do the thing I wanted to do which is cry.  This place is already incredibly short on places to rent at normal times. So now we're figuring out what to do and it is incredibly stressful. 

If we can't figure out how to stay here we're going to go back to the city which is scary because J really loves his job. And the timing is just bad. I am trying to look on the bright side because wow I hate this house anyway but we had just been talking about going back to the city and we decided the best timeline was more like a year out. This house was so small that we couldnt have our bed in the room and have access to both the door and the closet and so we were about to swap rooms with E anyway to give him the big room because the little room had the closet and door on the same side of the room. Trying to remind myself I already didn't like this house. 

Since we have been talking about moving anyway J's grandmother has been of course talking about moving here. At one point she talks about a huge house with 7 bedrooms where everyone could have their own privacy. There would be no way we would live with them so I have to assume she has other family members she is intending to live with.   J tried to tell her she you know could obviously move down to the coast if she wanted but that we were not planning to stay more than a year or two. She then tells us that it would be awful to raise our kids in a city and tries to talk us out of it. I don't know she doesn't even live here and honestly I am not over her hand in J's mother flipping out on J last year instead of you know, apoligizing for her treatment of her son. She seems to think we're cool but I don't feel that way and I also don't know any normal way to be like "I'm still pissed off about what you did last year even though its been over a year and a half since we have actually had to be around each other."  I don't want to pretend things are ok but she just exhausts me.   I am dreading having to be in the same room as her eventually and I just can't imagine any future ever where we spend more than a few days in a row together. 

Anyway we're moving and its really shitty timing and I am kind of just circling about it.  Joping next week to get some boxes and start packing up I guess. To maybe go no where. 


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So me and David have now been separated for 4 months now.  I'm glad.  We're finally able to have a civil conversation.  *Most of the time*.  I told him I might let Waylon stay the night with him sometime soon but I'm still not sure.  I guess we'll have to see how everything goes.  I'm still talking to Jacob.  He's very sweet.  In other news I think I've gained like 30 pounds since being seperated from David.  I think part of it is depression even tho I'm taking meds for it.  I just feel like....I dunno.  Like I'm just too exhausted to get up.  I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with me or why I feel the way I do.  Half the time I don't even know what I feel.  Aggravated?  Angry?  Sad?  I dunno.  I'm just exhausted on feeling anything if I'm being honest.  I like the way I feel numb sometimes.  I dunno, probably sounds stupid I know.  Sometimes I just dont wanna talk about what I'm feeling.  I don't want to feel anything.  Fuck I dunno.  I'm confused as fuck anymore, along with exhaustion.  I just sleep most of the time.  Can't bring myself to get up and move.  Or care to move.  Like, I know I'm gaining weight but I don't have the motivation to get off my ass and do something about it.  I've turned into a lazy fuck who doesn't care about anything I think.  I never thought separation would have me feeling...this strange.  I dunno.


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Hi....again
by ohwow

Still not got much to say 😂


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My region is under lockdown too. https://www.newmarket.ca/covid19 It's mad. Luckily for me I have my family and friends nearby me.
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Only two submissions but that's okay! Thanks for playing! Fam!lyTimes6 wins! I'll message you!
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