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Starting over again
by bifempagan

I've now had three diaries here.  I've recovered one, trying to get the other.

It's Father's Day, and Warren is off racing.  Had Derek's graduation party today, if it could be called that.  Due to lack of planning on my part, it was just his sibling, their roommate (Derek's ex, but they're still friendly), and me.  They moved the party over to his house and started playing a D&D game. Fun was had by most (the sibling doesn't enjoy D&D, so they went to the park while the others played). It's been a melancholy day. 

0 likes, 0 comments
by ZenJenZ

I know that it HAS to happen. 

I know that now there is active movement on it... and that I have to get moving on it myself now. 530pm on a Sunday evening....I AIN'T GOT AN ANSWER for you. 

Yes I understand that you are not attacking me and that you were just telling me that we have to get something done. 

But really.... what do you want me to say AFTER that information is relayed? 

I will get working on it.  

But again.... it's Sunday evening and I got NUTHIN I can do. 

I'm sorry.

0 likes, 0 comments
Dont Get Too Close...
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

I breathe in, I breathe out so sick of holding it down. Its okay, Im alright even though Im dying inside. First 14 years of my life was chaotic and trauma causing. Idk if ppl know what SRA is but yeah 14 years of torture. When I was 16 I finally left after both parents abandoned me and dad went to his gf and Mom went to her friends for 2 months to give him an ultimatim. My ''' godmother ''' asked me to come live with her and her husband, to have a ' safe ' placec to stay. I was the most nieve sweet blond haired girl youd ever meet. Found out rather quickly my perps made sure that the abuse would continue for the next 11 years her husband sexually propositioned and hurt me. He truly believes that anything other than vaginal penetration is not cheating. And He says he just asks God to forgive Him and its like it never happened in his head. He had me to things with 2 girls and one of them is on here, and I wont out her, but he paid us, I am so ashamed. But I had nowhere else to go. And its a long story but for reasons I wont go into, I literally got stuck there. So it kept going and I got into drugs and all kinds of shit, I felt all my life like I was worthless and created only to be used by men and even some women. This is such a condensed version of what is going on. For 15 years I ran away from this situation. And frankly, I had been taught that Jesus Christ was my savior if I wanted Him to be and I cried out and called His name every time they hurt me. And about that time I re found my abilities. Everyone that was around me every day knew that bizarre things happened around me and they conditioned me to think its ok cuz its just Trish, weird things are gonna happen. So I had a safe place. Right in the lions den. I learned how to use my abilities. Starting making things happen. Kept getting told all of my life that I was evil, a witch, my own mother called me an ABOMINATION to my face because of my love for women. They will never understand, I never asked for this to be like this. And no so called deliverance is gonna change that. They fucked me up royally. Metaphorically and literally. 

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I'm doing really well on my fitness goals so far! As an early birthday present, Chris got me an apple watch, and I'm now enjoying seeing and tracking my activities. I've been super motivated using it. It's awesome! I'm at 174lbs now. Not a lot, but my goals aren't for immediate change, but for over time. That way, I keep the weight off, and I don't crash and burn. This is a lifestyle change, NOT a diet. People need to learn the difference. Diets aren't actually good for you. Lifestyle changes are. With goals to be healthy, it doesn't mean completely restricting yourself from food you enjoy. It does, however, mean to make sure you just don't go overboard with the less healthy options. Luckily, I like almost all the healthy food that is out in the world. Hurrah! Anyway, I just came in to update you all on my progress. It's slow, but I'm enjoying it, and I feel that I am doing quite well. Any time in the past I have found motivation to be a major issue. It hasn't been so far. This is the longest I've gone with the motivation so far. Minus gym class in school. But then, that wasn't motivation but just not having a choice. LOL


Have a great day, folks!

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Search engines know a surprising amount about us. I'm so-so on them. If I want hyper-local searches then I use Google, just because it excels at that, and I don't have to type in all the localized terms like city and state just to get decent results - Google figures that out by itself. Other than that, I try to avoid using Google because of privacy reasons. That said, non-Google doesn't automatically mean private. Bing uses personal data also. I have recently been using DuckDuckGo as my default search engine, which has actually been very helpful. That one is actually privacy-oriented. A few other things I do is (when I remember):

Use different search engines on different occasions - that way no single search engine knows everything I'm searching for. They only have a fragment of the picture.

Occasionally use a random search generator to add in an additional search here and there that is randomized. This makes it harder for the search engine to 'pigeonhole' me and my interests.

I also disable localization on my phone and also if I'm using a browser on my computer. If a web pages asks me to share my location, I refuse. For shopping online, if I need to see if something is in stock at my local store, or to see if there even is a local store near me, I'm able to do that by typing in the zip code (or a different zip code near me if I'm feeling really paranoid!) and it'll come up with which are the closest stores to that zip code. There is no need to use localization data for anything, unless of course I've gotten lost and need to have the phone navigate me back. That rarely happens though, and even then it's just a matter of turning on localization and turning it off after.

Overall, there are some privacy steps I have been taking.

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do i have a job or dont i?
by The Avon Lady

so i started on memorial day at a local fast food place hours were perm i thought i didn't think i would be subject to change but i was only on the schedule for 3 hours this week and im scared to check about next week... i can't survive on 3 hours a week.. *SighZ* dont know what to do... 


Shop online at

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The Grind
by AnonyCat

One would think that I have gotten used to this but nope. I don't want to talk to clueless anymore. 

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Returned to work
by ZenJenZ

Returned to work Today. Was out sick all weekend. Plus the 2 days off before the weekend...5 days off in a row. 

Why do I not feel rested? 

Tomorrow I get off work and start my weekend... and my girls are taking me to the Beach 🏖️. SHOULD be awesome. The ocean 🌊 always revitalizes me. 

Tonight... cleaning, prepping, and finish packing. 

0 likes, 2 comments
by ZenJenZ

Is this the little boy I this the little girl at play ...I don't remember getting older... when did they....

Day is done...gone the sun.... 

Anyway.... today was exactly what I needed it to be.  Less drama...more relaxation. 

Did I possibly spend the day talking with a celebrity? MAYBE??? 

Maybe it was a scammer? 

If one day the Celebrity hands me a Taco... we're cool. 

If one day the scammer hands me a Taco... we're cool. 

Life is weird.  

I like it that way. 

3 likes, 0 comments
Hey Nonny
by AnonyCat

I've never been able to be anonymous,  always someone's daughter, mom, wife or friend.  I'm going to try for my truth here. 

1 like, 2 comments
Lazy day...
by DulceLionessa

My heel is being cranky it's going to make life interesting for the next two weeks.

Goofing off on my phone, and waiting on a dear friend to come and grab me.

Munched on my dinner leftovers for lunch Thai Rice. And now chatting with my Sissa in our chairs in the living room.

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Dawn of a new day.
by ZenJenZ

I hate mornings. (If you puked EVERY would too.) 

I dislike Mondays even more.  

I'm taking a sick day... because not only am I waking up sick...I went to bed sick... and up and down all night. 

Today is about self care ... and at some point today I am going to start my Summer Reading. I have some books to catch up on.  

The idea of just getting to do that... makes me smile. 

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Or, more accurately, let's see where it goes when I wake up again in a few hours, get ready and out the door for work, and get through my work days.

This is day one... And yes, it's a tip of the hat to the new evolution to Sega's MMORPG Phantasy Star Online 2 - I'm on Ship 02 (Ur) as JulieAnneM - Maybe I'll get back to playing, and finish Episode 6 of the original PSO2 with the Oracle Fleet, while moving on to the new story.

0 likes, 2 comments
Back to the Basics
by ZenJenZ

Sometimes we have to step backwards before we can go forward. 

Bigger Social Media... creates it's own Bigger Problems. 

To heck with that noise. I'm here to be Social...not infighting...not for politics...

Let's get back to just talking. 

4 likes, 8 comments
Covid shot
by raen

Got my first dose last night. I am now dying.

0 likes, 12 comments
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

ALL OF YOU TALK ABOUT THE VOICE OF THE MARTYR AND PERSECUTED CHRISTIANS IN OTHER COUNTRIES AND YOU IGNORE THE TORTURE THAT BELIEVERS ARE GOING THROUGH HERE IN AMERICA AT THE HANDS OF THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT. I am not afraid to tell you the truth because the time is beyond short. I live every day in perpetual hell. There are no words to express what I go through, and I was never supposed to surivive this. Lets see if I can articulate what is going on from head to foot, it might help you and put some things in their proper perspective for your own life. Okay so at one point the skin on my elbows and feet turned black and fell off. I was put into a state where I lost control of both my bladder and my bowels, I had to carry a plastic bag with me wherever I went to sit on, and I would lose my urine and bowels at the grocery store, anywhere. I had 2 heart attacks and a mini stroke. Bells palsy. Lyme. Morgellons. The stupid names they put on things to get money is ludacris. All through my body there is a vein looking thing that is hard as metal, and runs all the way through my body. I have had replication happen, and what I mean by that is I used to stick my finger down my throat and feel these candle wick feeling things and I would push them down, but when I did, it made my mouth collapse on itself. I hvae photos of this. My mouth literally caved in, and I watched something flesh colored liquid come in and rebuild it right in front of my eyes. This happened several times, but the ' worm ' has gotten so strong that I cant push it down anymore. It took over my mouth, throat and head and neck and shoulders. When I told my doctor that I was swallowing into the back of my head and the water would go up over my scalp when I drank, they said that that was impossible. When I told them that something slipped down the ' tunnel ' around my neck and took over my throat they said that was impossible. When I told my hollistic doctor, he looked me right in the eyes and said that someone was poisoning me. I have been a TI ( Targeted Individual ) all of my life, but only became aware of it 5 years ago. The reality of perpetrators even the people I know ( they do not all know they are being used against you ) terrified me at first. Anyone who eats fast food, has the toxins and metals built up and has not detoxed their body from this world, has the nanotechnology in them weather they realize it or not, and I can prove EVERYTHING that I say. I do not speak out of my ass or speak just to talk. I have been through more than anyone I know. Harassed on a daily basis, this thing in me must be really important to someone, thats all that I can say. I can push it with my tongue and it will push back. It hissed at me one time from my own throat. Do you realize how frightening that is? IT IS TRANSHUMANISM in the flesh. I was not supposed to survive. As for my fingers and hands, I watched a dark liquid take them over, I experienced my arms and legs jerking without permission, didnt realize I was having mini seizures, and because of my natural former hatred of myself, they uised that against me to the point that I ignored my symptoms for a long time, and put up with agonizing pain that would have driven others mad in a heartbeat. ITS TORTURE. Keep right on ignoring us and calling us insane. WHO DECIDED WHAT IS INSANE? We are telllng the truth and some of us can prove it. AS LONG AS WE ARE BREATHING WE ARE THE TRUTH OF PROOF DONT YOU SEE? I am begging you who believe in God to help us. I have every body part affected. Enemas helped at first but then I felt it crawl into my brain, my head actually shrank. I proved that over and over and over, I have made videos, made posts, poured my heart out to you, but you insist on the worlds way of thinking, please I beg of you, help us. When we detox our body from this worlds chemicals and toxins and food, your eyes start to open up again. The eyes that really matter. Your spiritual eyes. You think you are okay because you prayed the sinners prayer? NO. If you cannot hear His voice through the chatter, you are not okay. I dont care who you are. You are sinning greatly against God by calling us insane. Covering your eyes with a blanket of denial to the truth may provide a comforting blanket for now, but just wait. Someday, someone will rip that completley off of you and you'll finally be the one who is left in the cold. You may never be able to comprehend what I am speaking of, but maybe someday you will, and, maybe someday I will no longer care. God help you and me both if that day comes. I could go on and on but Im not. IF YOU DONT BELIEVE ME, ASK THE CREATOR. If you really know God you can ask Him and get an answer. If you dont, then you wont. Praying a prayer to get to heaven is not the point, its to get heavein back inside of you. BEFORE YOU WERE BORN YOU WERE WITH GOD AND WE VOLUNTEERED TO COME HERE. TRUTH. Recieve the message or dont. This is for someone. Dont give up. You are not crazy. I believe you.

2.  Quick thought of the day. What this uneducated world calls multiple personalities really is: They split us into millions of parts. Every time we are hurt by the trauma THEY CAUSE. Everyone, when things bad happen, always say something like ' Well thats just life ' , or ' Everything happens for a reason ', etc. Youre damntastically right. But not always a good reason. YES God can turn it to work for our good, but ignoring that these bad things dont ' just happen ' and we were meant to get off our ass and protect ourselves, protect our families, and do it through quantum spiritual warfare. Yes you read that right. People want to live in the ignorance is bliss mentality, because they think it wont come for them, let me tell you friends, if you think like that, the enemies already have you in clutches. And yes there ARE enemies. Human and spiritual. I am so tired of ppl telling me I am pointing fingers because I say, hey raping little kids is BAD AND MAKES THE PERSON AWFUL. Ok. So others say, but what CAUSED IT? Does it matter? Im gonna go on a limb here and say yes.......This world is BROKEN. And all we do is say ' Trust God ' and do nothing about it, so how could there ever possibly be change? STOP FEEDING WHAT YOU HATE. I am talking to myself too. STOP FEEDING WHAT DISGUSTS US. If you hate the way the medical system is taught by the PURPOSELY INCORRECT Merk Manuel, then start a class to educate nurses and doctors. Show them proof. Make them see. BECAUSE YOU CANT MAKE ANYONE BELIEVE SOMETHING, all we can do is show them the proof and MOVE ON. Dont plant yourself permanently in the life of one person who just stubbornly wont believe you, because that is not what most of us are called to do, and trust me it is nauseating to stay in that situation. THEY BURIED US UNDERGROUND, BUT WHAT THEY DID NOT KNOW IS THAT WE WERE SEEDS. AND NOW WE ARE SEED PLANTERS. If you are connected to the real creator, then you wont lose your light by sharing it with someone else. And theres a cleanness of the heart spirit and soul that is more important than the physical body. It took me a long time to admit this. But here I am. And we will see what can be accomplished if we pursue INNER healing of all our parts. I promise you this, not because I am there, but because I have been there and it is truth...Heal the inside, and the outside will follow and get into a lighment. Believe me or dont. I only am a voice. A seed planter. A bruised reed. Unlikely to be a hero. But chosen no matter what anyone says. And so are you. Chosen by darkness and light. Chosen ...Own it. I love you.

3. I am admitting that I have no idea how to rest in God. I know how to fight, and war, but without the rest its impossible to keep it up. I have dealt with the symptoms of what they call Lyme and Morgellons and Neurotoxcicity, and Mast cell and pretty much ALL lead back to the same thing. Toxin overload. Period. And that makes you feel so many horrible things, and if you dont have positive understanding compassionate family or friends to help you, doing it alone is IMPOSSIBLE. And yet here I am doing it alone. I have been blocked and obstructed at every turn by the enemy, physically, financially, emotionally, dont even get me started on that one. You feel panicked and scared, and like your insides are being ripped out and the lines begin to blur between sanity and insanity, and THATS when the kicker happens and you realize you have been lied to all your life, both intentionally and unintentionally, and what THIS WORLD calls sanity, is just a limitation put on humans so we dont BREAK OUT OF THE MOLD ( and I mean that quite literally. clay is what we are on the inside, believe me ) In other words this worlds labels and ' right and wrong ' are LIES. And when that clay starts to move on the inside of you, and you feel your own bones break and move and be put back in places they weren't before, and then this worm like flesh colored substance takes over and rebuilds you on the inside. NO I WAS MEANT TO BE BUILT AND REBUILT BY GOD ALONE. THIS WORLD IS A LIE. It is an abomination, and who made it that way? Greed. Power. More more more me me me, gimme gimme gimme, thats who. THEY SAY CONSUME AND OBEY, REBELLION WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Oh really? Okay. We'll see. I have so much more to say but I cant right now. Also, the emotional thing...They never did get just how much their words hurt. And w hen you speak over someone, it creates MATTER that then connects to the persons DNA. Think before you speak. SERIOUSLY. Please. I beg of you. Peace.


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So some asked me for a detail by detail account of my trip to visit Ryan. So here you all go. I must warn you it is pretty boring. Lol!

So Thursday May 13th

Woke up at 3:00 AM honestly I think I got about 2 hrs of sleep. I woke up and took a shower dressed up and said bye to Lucky (my dad came later in the day to pick him up, left my keys in the mail box. I already had packed Luckys little backpack with all his snacks, toys, his bed and blanket gave him some water, no food because it was way to early and he never eats that early), by that time my Uber was on my road looking for me, so I took my stuff outside and while trying to put my luggage in her vehicle, I threw up, she immediately gave me water, I had taken an anti-nausea pill for the airplane ride and since I took it on an empty stomach it immediately came up. So after all that I got in the car and she took me to the airport. She asked me where I was going so early, i was like i am flying to visit my boyfriend, she told me good luck and to have a safe flight and by this time it is like 3:45 AM and I just got to the airport.

The ticket counter where i can check my bag in did not open until 4 am so i just sat down and waited. By 3:50 AM there was already a crowd and a line I was like damn but it went by super quick, so I printed out my boarding pass and my luggage tags and put the tags on my luggage and then waited in line for a few minutes. Honestly the line went by super quick, checked in my luggage, then I walked down to security which was on the other side of the airport and security line was super long but also went fairly quickly. Probebly waited about 30 minutes, after security I walked to my terminal and that was a long walk, I got to the terminal about 40 minutes before they started boarding people.

I was in "class c", about 10 minutes before boarding I went to the restroom because I knew I did not want to use the airplane restroom which was right across the hall from the terminal. Super convenient. I also filled my water bottle with water , then by that time they were boarding the "b's", so I started getting in the line once they were almost done with the "b's", finally boarded and I picked the last seat on the airplane.

So the reason why is because with covid I don't trust anyone
, but everyone was pretty good with keeping their masks on and distancing. The flight was pretty full so I got the window seat and a lady sat on the aisle seat. It was perfect. We waited until everyone boarded about 30 minutes then they gave us the instructions that they do for every flight, by this time I was freaking the fuck out in a good way.

I was like holy shit, i am about to see Ryan in like a few short hours. I texted him and was like I am on my way baby, of course he didn't respond since it was like 3 am his time so he was fast asleep. I just started relaxing and finally they told us to buckle up so I put my seatbelt on and the plane was "backing up", (I know there is a term for it but cant remember), so we are finally running the taxi and starting to go up and it was a terrible feeling because we had a bit of turbulence because it had been storming the night before. The weather was a bit icky. My neighbor freaked out and so we held hands because she was scared and also I couldn't close the window so she was seeing everything while feeling the turbulence. So for me I am so weird with airplanes like I hate heights but for some reason I love taking off and when the plane lands I don't know why. To me it is exciting. I am weird. So I was looking outside and then I was tracking the flight on my phone. You can track it on the southwest website. It is awesome. So that calmed my nerves but also i noticed it took an hr to get out of Texas by flight, I am like wtf! Lol!

Anyways by this time the plane was leveled up and they started passing out the snacks and drinks. I usually never drink soda but I got a ginger ale just so my stomach can be settled. And then ate some of my snacks just so I can have something in my stomach. After that I put my headphones on and listened to music and managed to take a quick nap. By the time I woke up we were already approaching California, so I got even more anxious and happy. I was like omg this is really fucking happening. Holy fuck! In a few short hours I will be in his arms. It was such a beautiful intense feeling like I literally can't describe it. We finally were approaching San Fran and then we started approaching the Oakland airport which is like right by the sea which is crazy. So we start landing but had to wait to get to our terminal another plane was leaving but I was energized by this point that nothing was taking my happiness away. Then we taxied to our terminal and they opened the doors and then we all were getting off and since I was in the back I was the last one off the plane. It felt so damn slow. Lol!

But finally I got off and I needed to use the restroom so went to the restroom at this point I was requesting an uber to the hotel in Ryan's hometown which is about 30 minutes from Oakland. So came out of the restroom and went to go retrieve my luggage from the carousel, at this point a worker came up to me and was like do you need help, I don't know why he felt the need to help me maybe because I am really short and he took pity on me. So he handled my luggage and showed me where the uber's pick up passengers. So went there and waited for my uber and holy fuck it was cold but not to cold. Like the air felt so good. I had no idea it was going to be cold. I was expecting it to be super hot but nope. I loved the breeze.

And I had a surreal moment where I was super emotional and super happy all at the same time. I had so many emotions and remember Ryan couldn't meet me at the airport so that is why I took an uber which was fine actually. It worked out pretty well and plus Ryan does not have a car because there public transportation is so awesome so you don't really need a vehicle. His town is also super walkable but anyways that comes later. So I got on the uber and I was just taking in all the scenery, the uber driver was very nice and actually he picked me up in style a freaking Mercedes Benz, i was like damn i had asked for a normal vehicle but eh whatever. The guy was super nice and was asking me what i was doing here. We talked the whole way there and we finally got to the hotel. So he helped me get my luggage off and then i went to go check in and guess what, i couldn't check in until 3 PM.

So here i am at 9 am and i couldn't check in. Ryan texted me and was like let me know when you are checked in. Then I find out I couldn't check in, ughhh. I was so upset but it is my fault because when I booked my hotel it clearly said 3 pm but she was like look I will check you in at around 2 pm. I was like okay awesome. But that still left us like a couple of hours. By this time I am like texting Ryan and was like I can't check in until 3 pm and he was like damn.

I was like name a restaurant and I will meet you there. And he was like I can't be there until an hour because I am finishing laundry. I was like that is fine by the time I get an uber and get there it should be around 1 hr later. So I ask the front clerk if I could drop my luggage there and she was like sure of course. So she takes my luggage and order an uber to the restaurant. Use the restroom and by this time my uber is picking me up. I get in the uber and it is like 2 miles so we get there kind of quickly. So I go in the restaurant and start freaking out. I waited and waited and waited. It seemed I waited like an eternity but it was like 15 minutes. He was like can you meet me outside in there patio. I am like hmmm okayyy. I was really freaking out because I was like wtf. So I asked the waitress if they had a back patio and she was puzzled because she was like didn't you come from the back patio. I was like naw I came from the front door.

So she shows me where it is and so then I go outside and wait a few minutes and he is like finally here and approaching me and omg I fucking froze. I didn't know wtf to do. Like I had a out of body experience. Like I felt that I was living someone's life. It was so weird. He just grabs me and just hugs me and I am like aww. And so we ended up eating outside and he just kept looking at me and I was like hmm what. He was like you are so fucking beautiful. I was awww. I was the nervous one and he was like so damn sure and secure. It was so weird but in a cool way. That is when I knew that I was deeply in love with him and from there it just felt so damn natural. It was not awkward after the first 15 minutes. We just kept smiling at each other and it litterly felt like I had just seen him the day before. Very natural feeling. Like I felt I was home. So we ate but i had to take most of it with me. Lol! By that time it is around 12 pm. So we pay the bill and I call an uber and we walk through the back to the side where the uber is going to pick us up. And from then on out we are all over each other. Like yes we were that annoying couple with major PDA. Finally the uber gets there and we go back to the hotel by this time it is about 1 pm so really we just need one more hour until I could check in.

We sit in the living room area of the lobby and I go use the restroom and then I come out and we are cuddling then I am not even joking he grabs me and starts kissing me then we just start making out. We stopped everytime someone would come through the lobby. But honestly hardly anyone was there. So he kept asking me what time it was and we were litterly counting down the minutes. I kept flirting with him and vice versa. Lol! So finally it is about 10 minutes till 2 pm and he was like can they give us the key. Lol! So finally we check in at 2 pm and we get the keys and go straight to the room.

By this time we are so exhausted but not like sleepy exhausted but just want to be in bed cuddling up. So I start unpacking my suitcase and take off my shoes and socks. Then we start cuddling and then we start making out. And we are just gazing at each other like crazy kids in love. Lol! And then we were about to have sex but remember I had been up since 3 am and in the same damn clothes so I felt dirty. So I was like I got to pee and take a shower. He was like I am going with you. Lmaooo! So yes we took a shower together and it was really fucking romantic. I usually don't take showers with guys that I am dating but like I said with Ryan it feels so damn natural and right. So we are making out in the shower and then we finish the shower real quick and then have sex.

I will spare the details because that is not needed. But it was the best sex I have ever had probebly half because I am in love with him but also he just knows me and gets me and understands me perfectly. He is definitely my match. It just felt so natural. So after we finish we are just laying there naked cuddling by this time it is about 4 pm and he was like can we just order pizza for dinner. He was like I just want to spend it here with you. I was like heck yeah that is perfect. So we order in at around 5 pm and get the order around 6 pm. So we just eat and just have sex again. Honestly we had a couple of rounds then we were talking about our relationship.

He was like yeah I want to be with you forever. And I was like yeah me too. Sigh. So we go to bed pretty early like 10 or 11 I believe. But that day was amazing. We cuddled all night. Like I said we are that annoying couple that I always hated and swore I would never be like. Well all that went out the window. Lol!

*Also disclaimer I am real aware that he sounds to good to be true but please note that I have dated some terrible fucking men that have cheated and treated me like shit and was just terrible to me and Ryan is like my angel that saved me and made me believe that not all men are assholes. Honestly I self sabotaged this relationship for so long because I felt I didn't deserve this type of man and this type of love but I do. Everyone fucking does! And he is definitely not perfect nobody is but he treats me so amazing and actually loves and cares about me. Like I said he is my perfect person. For so long I felt I didn't deserve Ryan but I am attending counseling and trying to make myself better not only for me but for him and our relationship. Because for a while there I treated him pretty poorly but he stuck it out with me because he knew I was broken. When we started dating I was still very heart broken over Emmanuel and it had already been almost 4 years since Eman had broken up with me. But when I fall in love, I fall deeply in love and it takes me forever to get over a person. But Ryan helped me through that and saw me for who I am. He saved me because I was a huge mess when we found each other. So I definitely deserve a good man by my side and I am not going to apologize for that. We all deserve a good person by our side that will love us for us. And that is why the first 6 months we started dating I didn't tell anyone. Not even my best friends knew. By the time May 2020 rolled around we went "public", and by public like announced to our family and friends. I wanted to keep it to ourselves for so long because people love to tear good things apart and I didn't want that. Once we got our relationship solid then we told everyone. So sorry for the long disclaimer so keep all that in mind while you read about my trip to be with the love of my life.*

Stay tuned for day number 2 where we walk all over his beautiful quaint small town.

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Cosmic Injustice. Yep.
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

I was 16 when I left home to go to Michigan. The circumstances led me to try a drug which then controlled alot of my actions for the rest of my life. I hurt a lot of people emotionally because of it, and I am sorry. I will however say that I have been targeted by something really terrible since by birth, and I used to say that I was ' born wrong '. I got really sick when I was in my 20s after suffering massive pain in my teeth for 15 years. I now know that I was tortured. My question here is simple. For people out there who were drug addicts, alcoholics, prostitutes, pill poppin, whatever. ( This world was wrong abotu all of that but thats for another day ) I have a question for you. Does that mean that the TI  PROGRAM...BEAST SYSTEM. PIECE OF SHIT LAW PEOPLE WHO ARE CROOKED AND DIRTY ( There are some who arent but they are becoming rarer ) And anyone else connected to the system that controls this prison planet, does that give them a right to torture and ''' punish '''' them??? DOES IT? Because I am pretty sick and tired of this. I go for years at a time doing nothing wrong as far as illegal anything...And if I ever messed up with drugs in my past|? IMMEDIATELY it was like a portal opened for really bad shit to attach to me, make me see things, and follow and harass me for a long time afterwards. Mind you, I didnt know about targeting back then, so I just thought those people were freaking weird and needed to quit staring at me and following me and BEFORE I KNEW? I told them so happily lol. Learning abotu the truth of this world has turned me into a mamby pamby needy little girl. CORRECTION: THIS BANDING TUBE SYSTEM IN MY BODY THAT IS CONNECTED TO SOME HIGH TECHNOLOGY has turned me into that. I AM NOT WEAK. Not the real Trish. Most of you dont know the real Trish cuz she didnt take this shit from anyone, technology or no technology. I need to know what in the world to do when you get this advanced? I have never found anyone with it built so strongly in them before. Like a huge rubber hose threaded everywhere AND YET I AM STILL IN HERE SCREAMING AND NO ONE DOES ANYTHING. I am not putting that on anyone reading this. I am just saying. Its not like I havent been documenting my journey here, and I AM BEING HURT PHYSICALLY VERY BADLY JUST FOR TYPING THIS. You wouldnt believe what they are doing to me because I am voicing this. Searing hot pain in every joint, throbbing in organs. Oh yeah. I cant feel my organs anymore. Nope. Nothing. ITS LIKE BEING IN ANOTHER BODY YET IM HERE. And no matter what anyone says, I am quite intelligent and sane. I am crazy tho. Crazay like a fox. And trust me, those who are saying they care about me and really arent on the good side? I see you too. Just...Its not my problem. MATRIX AGENTS is what they are and frankly...They really dont want to incur the wrath of any divine protection we may have left, so they drop us clues sometimes. Warnings. Puzzle pieces. And most of us are too scared or dense to realize what is happening. All about the NARROW WAY. And most will miss it. Yet there are millions of people who call themselves Christians. How is that few? FEW THERE BE THAT FIND IT. My question then. No matter what we have done in our past, does that give them an ACTUAL RIGHT to do this to us? I believe it is cosmic injustice. Literally. 

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I'm going to add some photos to this entry of some of the dresses I tried on. And before you ask, none of these were the one I settled on. I just thought I'd share. The pinkish one with the pink ribbon was the runner up if I ended up hating the one I originally had my eye on. It was beautiful and I felt lovely in it, but I went with my gut in the end and got the one I fell in love with on the bridal stores instagram page.

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I'm working my way through the Greystone series by Margaret Peterson Haddix. It's a trilogy so far - I'm not sure if there's more to come or if it stops at number 3. It's a children's and young adult series, but I can attest it's also a good choice for adults. This is because it's a science fiction series which has well-thought-out world building which everyone can appreciate, young and old.

The first book of the series is The Strangers. It was available through my public library's ebook system, although of course it might be available in print there also. I read the first one and got hooked. The third one so far is really great and introduces some additional characters. I'm still reading that one, so I can't comment too much at this point, but that's probably a good thing as I don't want to inadvertently give away the plot.

The author Margaret Peterson Haddix is one of my favorites for her gripping plots and relatable characters.

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Funny story....

At one of my jobs, I work with a short Guatemalan (machismo opinionated) male.  He is always giving me a hard time, because he thinks he can.  I do not idly sit by and take it.  I can be a tad sassy and sarcastic, in occasion. No biggie.  He says things that one should not say to another individual. Some examples pertain to a female's age or weight. He thinks he is funny. Most of the time I just ignore it. Sometimes I cannot.

(Enter the store manager on stage left one day)

She says that the only thing that masks are good for is hiding her double chin. Fyi, she does not have a double chin. MR. V then states that I have a triple chin. I do not have one either.  I then calmly, yet in a very focused manner, start looking around for a projectile. The only thing I can find is way too harmless.  I vocally express that it was "too light" and calmly put it down. Shortly after, I see our massive metal bean scoop and proclaim, "This will do nicely."  

Disclaimer: I did not throw it. It was calmly put back on the counter and I walked away to do my job.

Today, another coworker informs me that my store manager was talking about me and V. She thinks that I get mad at V when he says things. I do not ever get mad. If it irritates me, I try to keep my mouth shut.  I get that his opinions are culturally based with some things. That us what saves him. My coworker knows how much of a dry, twisted sense of humor I have.  The store manager has not learned about that facet yet.  Hahaha.  

Sidenote: I did once look at my empty cup and say something like, " Too bad I cannot fit a brick in here. I could chuck it at your face then." Again, nothing was thrown but words. If I am truly throwing things, you need to get the hell away from me. I am beyond mad and my inner demon is coming out to play.

I am glad I work tomorrow. I don't want my grieving demon to come out to torture me. Tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of my goompa's death. Enough about that however...

Everyone have a great night. Talk to you later.--Your friendly neighborhood brick thrower, Robyn 

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There are a lot of places to get backgrounds and screen wallpapers, so I'm going to bookmark my faves here.

If I want photo-style images, free stock photo sites can be great options. My favorites are:

  • Pixabay
  • Unsplash

The only problem with photos is that they can be distracting as backgrounds and can make it harder to see the various icons. But there are other options out there besides stock photos, for example this modern take on gradient-style backgrounds. For females, these girly backgrounds stay out of the way of the icons yet give an upbeat feminine look with soft colors.

I tend to prefer wallpapers which are in the red, pink, or orange hues because they're supposed to make it easier on the eyes late at night. I wish it were easier to find those colors of wallpaper in styles that don't conflict with or overwhelm icons. I need to find additional free stock photo sites as well, which might give me a bit more choice.

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I like the real feeling of this toy. Nice thick and soft. I couldn't find nothing I didn't like about it. The booty felt good and so real as I smack it around a couple of times. When she first arrived I was very happy to test her and see what she all the hype about. You can put her in all types of comfortable positions that felt really good. My favorite is pounding her from the back with my finger in her anal. I played with her for like an hour and really enjoyed it. Make sure you light the candles to set the mood. Even after I was done I went and cooked her dinner cause she deserved it lol. If you want to release some stress or if ur girlfriend or wife is tripping don't worry get you one of these. One thing I wish she did was moan as you sexing her that would have made her 100% official. But I highly recommend her to anyone. I think females would enjoy as well cause its something about that booty thats a turn on. It's really a fantasy ronmance.

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Entry 15
by eyeore's twin

Rain rain go away So it's been raining on and off here all week and we expect it to keep doing that for another 10 days. I finally got my hair cut I had to skip group to do it but it had to be done.

So I got to church on Sunday and my pastor asked me if I wanted to learn how to learn how to run the sound not just the in house graphics it was fun so pretty much i'm learning the sound during the sound checks and the graphics during the service since we got the new sound board since the church got it.

Bren and I are good it seems like things are getting back to normal she has been more loving lately. She's changing her therapist cause we have the same therapist and she's driving her crazy and i've always wanted us to have separate treatment teams so theres no conflict but her casemanager while not my casemanager is also the casemanager that's running the house right now but we're doing better about keeping things separate

So my stepdad and I booked my trip home to NYC for Christmas I usually go the weekend before Christmas and come home New Years Day but this year Christmas and New Years are on Saturdays so that would be too long so i'm coming it on the Wednesday before Christmas which makes things more difficult cause my Bio Dad and Step mom inisist on only seeing me on the weekend and my step dad can only take me to see cousin dave on a weekend and cousin dave isn't doing well and seeing my stepdad pays for the trip even though my bio dad always say they will help then don't and last time because i didn't see my biodad on the weekend my step mom wouldn't see me and he refused to leave the train station I also have a lot of friends that want to see me but they're willing to take days off just to see me and then theres always the question of whether I'll see Monica and the Kids its just a mess and my dad keeps making it an issue when he doesnt seem to understand its a two way street.

I've now had my CGM for about a month and oh my it has definetly has helped I now notice that my sugars do strange things throughout the day it seems like all day my sugars are high then after dinner i go low until way early in the morning I hope that all this data will help my diabetes DR and I will be able to make more informed decision about my insulin dosing well i guess it's time to go Credit: Sx3.Layouts

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Okay so I'm taking down recipes and ingredients for healthy meal planning for weight loss. A couple friends saw my post about it on facebook and immediately messaged me and sent me so many awesome recipes. I have some pretty awesome friends. :) I'm getting pretty serious about this whole new lifestyle change I'm doing. 


Those of you with fitbits and the like: Are they worth it? Do they help? This question is directed at the folks who use them more than for counting steps, but are using them for working out and tracking it all. I'm thinking about what I might want for my birthday and was thinking either that or a giftcard to a store that has workout gear (ie clothes, shoes, etc).

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Made a little youtube video with one of my drones.
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 had a job interview tuesday said they would let me know wednesday afternoon no call... nothing and now its thursday,  got my second vaccine shot.  im just emotionally all over the place.. 

Shop online at

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Flight change
by valencia
So I got my flight change to leaving at 6 am in the morning instead of at night. Holy crap! I will get to be there a whole day instead of getting there late at night. I am so excited. I had been nervous but now I am just calm and at peace with everything. The reason they changed my flight is because the later flight I was going to take is probably going to get canceled because we are expecting a big thunderstorm. So this is a win for me because I changed it for free if i wouldn't of changed it i would of had to wait until Friday. And that will be less time with Ryan. I have everything packed and I even scheduled my uber for 3 AM so I can get there with plenty of time.

My dad is coming later in the day to pick up Lucky.
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entry 14
by eyeore's twin

why have a payee,

So I've been organizing my room because it's always a mess so I took my winter stuff and my craft stuff that aren't being used as well as my AA leadership stuff and was going to the storage place we get there and my payee hasn't paid my bill since I moved here in February but the lady at the storage place said my stuff was save so when I get home I call my payee and she's like ok why haven't paid that. The reason I have a payee is because when I was in Sober living my roommates took advantage of me and then I'd be messed up for the last 2 years with the help of the payee I'm doing better they even have to tell me spend money because i'm getting close to the limit I'm allowed to save per social securities rules I'm working with my Case Manager on getting a new power of attorney seeing my current one has relapsed and haven't seen or heard from in over a year when I got covid and was in the hospital they couldn't get a hold of her. My current payee someone different and is a professional payee she handles disabled peoples money for a living.

My hair is falling out don't know whats going on and my Primary care Dr doesn't seem worried but I am I'm thinking of calling my endocrinologist and seeing if he'll investigate that issue I really am thinking of firing my Primary care and seeing if I can see one of his PA's that I seem to have a better repour with her

right at this second I am on the phone with my stepdad booking my trip to New York for Christmas usually we do this in August but I was just playing around with expedia and noticed that one of the two hostels I stay in was already sold out so now we're booking at my second favorite hostel I can't wait to finally be in the City again but two weeks is all I can handle I'm definitely a country girl now I like just walking where theres not a million people and I can just zone out while blasting my music

A new girl has moved in I know her from around town she seems cool hopefully she'll fit in here. At least I know when Bren and another roomie moves out I won't be stuck alone or with the one roommate that backs me want to be a violent person even though I'm usually not.Credit: Sx3.Layouts

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