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Unlovable?
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

It is time I told the truth. Figured it was time I wrote something new instead of regurgitating my past posts. My bones are so tired but I am going to write this, and if you think that I should be positive ( a liar ) than just keep scrolling. IF however you want the TRUTH then read on:

I have had a perpetual problem with letting go of the past all my life. And people keep telling me to let the past stay dead. But you dont understand a few things. 1. I dont remember 80 percent of my life. 2. I got stuck emotionally and maturing wise at 17 years old. I am 17. Understand that and you might assimilate who I am. 3. The worst and best memories I have is in the past. The present is a loop that I cannot get out of, every single day. If people knew who I really was, they would run away. Even you. And that is fine with me.

Its time I told the truth.

You know me as sick Morgie Lymie Fibro NO THYROID Trish. Desperate, helpless, up shit creek without a paddle Trish. THAT IS NOT WHO I AM. Its just who I have had to be, to survive thus far.

I am a little girl who was born into a world where every look, word, touch, tone-of-voice, traumatized her. Unconditional love, unrestricted love, overlooked so many wrongs done against me, people stealing money from me right before my eyes, someone cutting half my hair off while asleep, stealing my clothes, music, books, food, drugs, cigarettes, and worst of all, pieces, parts, and fragments of my heart and soul. Every time they hurt me, I FELT BAD FOR THEM AND INSTANTLY FORGAVE. What?! They thought they would teach me a lesson, thought that I WAS GULLIBLE WHICH I WAS, therefore I deserved what I got. WHY? Wtf.

They called me monster, and therefore I became it. They said I was stupid and worthless. I WAS PURE HEARTED AND THEY COULDNT WAIT TO HELP ME CORRUPT MYSELF. There was 2 me's. The pure, unconditional loving one, and the one that when she did a certain drug, would do anything and anyone to get it. And people were all too ready to help me be a whore so we could share the drugs we got from it. Yes you are reading this correctly. And there was a darkness in me that was very POWERFUL, especially when angry, and people helped that along too.

But the blond haired sweet girl was in there screaming and pulling me back, and if you knew the truht youd probably hate me. THERE WAS ONLY ONE OF US ( ME ) THAT WAS GOING TO MAKE IT OUT ALIVE. I turned into the monster. And people did what they did when I was a teenager, they ran away, they abandoned me EVERYONE THAT I KNEW GROWING UP, EVERYONE I THOUGHT LOVED ME, EVERY HOMESCHOOL PERSON, EVERY OTHER PERSON. Gone. And yet they said they loved me. i cant take this anymore. NOONE ON HERE KNOWS ME cept the ones who knew me in person. i cant take it anymore. im either going to delete fb or tell the truth and be the real me.

Right before your very eyes...........I am slipping into this push and pull. PEOPLE are telling me to let go of the past. They dont comprehend thats the only place I ever felt anything real. This person for 7 years has been SICK and SCARED and ALONE and GUINEA PIGGED BY PEOPLES MEDICINES AND HERBS TO DEATH AND BACK A THOUSAND TIMES. I AM NOT EVEN PHYSICALLY REAL ANYMORE. BUT OH MY HEART YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I AM TOO INTENSE FOR THIS WORLD!!!!!! I feel TOO MUCH.

I AM NOT WHAT THIS WORLD WANTED TO SEE OR HEAR.

I WAS REJECTED SINCE BIRTH. So technically I am what you made me. Be proud, bitches. Fuck.

I have thought so many times of killing the good in me. But I found out the hard way that was impossible.

Where are the people who said they loved me. NOWHERE. Scared of me? Angry with me? I burned all the bridges? Why? Because I was REAL AND RAW AND UGLY AND THEY COULDNT DEAL.

I wish more than anything in this world to go back to before any of this. And I cant.

Oh please!!!!!!! Dont you understand there are people like me who die at 25 and arent buried till they are 70. I dont feel like you, my skin is fake, my neck held up by a LIE. And all of you just...........Think you know what youre talking about. Before Jehovah God, you know NOTHING. I pray to God you never are targeted to the level I am. You think you know pain? BE IN MY SHOES FOR AN HOUR. Im done. Last negative post that I will write on purpose. Dont tell me how to be, feel, speak, articulate, I HATE LABELS. I love SOULS regardless of the gender. I love women.

I have been in love with the same person for 11 years. And she wont even talk to me. There is too much. So much. PAIN. And there was never a way to move ON to go ON to live ON.

Goshdarnit I could write all night and once again make my fingers bleed but it wouldnt be worth it because you still wouldnt comprehend.

Just try to practice lovingkindness to any and everyone you meet.

You got no fucking clue what they are going through. Peace. Love, The Monster.

''Another love taken to the grave. Another one goes right down the drain. I keep making all the same mistakes. Is there anyone left to believe? Is there any good still left in me? I keep slipping further underneath. Thought I had a heart of gold

Everything I touch turns to stone

Is it my fault I always end up alone?

Well, maybe I'm just difficult

Maybe I'm impossible

Maybe I'm just one step over the edge

You're one foot out the door

Maybe I'm emotional

Too much to handle

Maybe I'm unlovable

Unlovable.................'''


0 likes, 0 comments

I confronted my roommate this morning. He walked away and I heard him yelling about "EGGSHELLS", from his area of the house. I texted him that he isn't walking on eggshells. I'm half tempted to copy and paste the Convo here, tbh but who wants to read that?

Anyway, he was mad, I called him out for claiming eggshells... I pointed out the many times I had asked him to smoke outside from day one. I pointed out that I compromised and literally tried everything he suggested, from sprays of sorts, to incense, to candles, to smoker buddy options, to him blowing into a dryer sheet covered tube, to smoking with the window wide open, to putting a fan in said wide open window...

I reminded him that i told him no one has been allowed to smoke in the house unless it's during a party/ once in a while kind of event.

I reminded him of every time I hinted that his dabbing inside was negatively affecting me. That I even tried to be understanding about the winter months being too cold to smoke outside and that I was more than accommodating about it, but stated that when the weather changed and became warmer, I would really like him to smoke outside instead. He ignored my texts. I pointed out that I needed to heal from my brain injury soon before it's too late. He ignored me. I stated that I can only do so much but that I've literally asked nicely in every way I can and how not he and my boyfriend seem not to care that they are causing me pain by choosing to be self centered; my boyfriend when it comes to cleaning/not cleaning up after himself, and roommate by not cleaning up after himself, or his dog, never cleaning his bedroom, letting piles of smelly trash and food and dishes pile up for MONTHS, and only cleaning up after I told him he had to because I am having the house appraised... 

He gave me a weird attitude about it, and then it got even worse after the pipe in his room burst because my request for him to clean the ever loving fuck out of his area/room suddenly became a priority and more of a rush order request than one he was able to put off for three more weeks.
He did clean up but it upsets me that I had to ask him repeatedly to do it... 

And then basically remind him that hey, you love in my house, which is not a separate unit but a bedroom in my basement... You create a mess, it is going to create bad smells... And it's going to make.the house smell. Ugh, my best friend stated to me that when she was here a few weeks ago, before the pipe broke, she could smell raunchy gross funky smells coming from my basement/roommates area. I was embarrassed! I fucking hate smelly smells in my house! Am I a prude? I had one rule: I don't care if it's messy, as long as it doesn't smell bad. 

If it smells bad, plz clean it up. Instead, my boyfriend refused and fought with me for the last year since my car accident caused my injury causing me to no longer have the same abilities to clean up after us/me and him and everyone else, and instead of being able to go home and rest my brain per Dr orders, I have cooked, cleaned, and catered to two men and two puppies for the last year and 4 months.


I finally snapped... Am I the bad guy?
The sad part about today's confrontation was when I was texting, trying to say, "hey, I'm not trying to be mean I need this to heal my brain. I'm sad because I feel I don't matter to you or my boyfriend based on your actions and his".


I pointed out that just talking about it was causing me to have a panic attack. Then I pointed out that I was literally chewing on chewable aspirin bkuz I needed to trick my broken brain into knowing i was not going to have a heart attack and die, even though my heart beat was erratic from this stressful confrontation. I called my mom, who walked me through some breathing exercises to help calm me down.


Roommate finally responded by saying he does care. He will smoke outside from now on. But that there are things bothering him that he feels he's having to deal with hence why he feels he's having to walk on eggshells. I the proceeded to probe for more info so I can understand how he is being affected by my actions, and begged him to tell me what is up. I told him we haven't lived together before and that it's trial and error and that is okay. As long as we can talk ad are all willing to resolve it all as it comes. He retracted his comment saying. Nevermind.


It wasn't a big deal. He took it back. He felt bad for mentioning it's my brain went into over drive, hyper drive even and I started asking him if any of my flaws, house habits had upset him. I told him no after the issue, I'm willing to listen and learn from my mistakes but that my only way of being able to fix anything was knowing what the issue was to begin with. I told him I can't read his mind and that he can talk to me if he wants to, when he is ready... And then I told him I cared about security and safety for everyone to be happy here. He never responded.


My bf is out of town until Sunday. Idk what his intentions are, tbh. I've realized he s abit narc/toxic by nature. He is around 13- emotionally and it has really been difficult to get him to understand how he has created some bad situations for us/me/himself.

The fact that we really only argue about the chores and me hiring housekeeping help...Oh, right. She bailed last minute.   The fact that he left Sunday, didn't tell me he was leaving, no idea where he stayed, and no word since and it's fucking THURSDAY... I know he had to work a show from Monday to this Sunday. Where was he Sunday night??? Do I have a right to know? Should I ask? Should I call j, or would I just give him my power doing so? Should I wait til he reaches out to me? If he doesn't, but comes home Sunday/Monday and acts like all os normal, do I let it all go? 

Do I help pay for the housekeeper? How can I help roommate feel comfortable smoking outside now? It isn't my job to cater to two grown ass men who should be willingly working to make our living situation run smoothly. 

I would love to have the men in my life, act like responsible adults. 

 


0 likes, 1 comment

 I own my own home. I did not want to own my home but I reluctantly allowed my boyfriend to talk me into buying it three years ago. He pays half of everything. I cook, I clean, he fixes things when they break. He doesn't clean up after himself. This was acceptable, or at least doable until I caught my concussion in February of last year, from a seemingly not so severe car accident. My brain blew up and then it shut down in May, a few months post car accident. 

Since then, we took in a roommate, my boyfriend's fri nd of 8 years or so. He pays half of the mortgage for a much large space in our basement. We live upstairs. We share all common areas, and we both have a dog. 

When he moved in, I knew he smoked dab & weed. It didn't bother me. My concussion is not healing though and because of my post concussive symptoms, I have mad to greatly modify my lifestyle and surroundings;. Lights, smells, movement, color, etc. I am also fortunate enough to work at home. This has helped me to heal more rapidly VS if I were to have to be in the office. Lucky me, I guess. 

Roommate has lived under our roof for at least 6 months now. The following events have occurred while he has been a tenant:

1. I asked him to smoke his bud outside. He said he didn't want to because it's cold and risky. We live in UT. He could get a license to smoke but has chosen not to. I have suggested he do this. He has refused. 

2. Roommates dog brutally attacked my dog. He still owes 200$ in medical costs for this. Though this was an isolated incident, I keep a very close eye on the two of them when they are together now. I think, initially, play turned into rough play and because they were outside unattended, things got out of hand. 

3. I told roommate that his area downstairs is his and his dog is free to roam there. His dog is not free to roam upstairs unattended. That space belongs to my dog. This is her house, not his, not his dog's house. He reluctantly agreed. 

4. Roommates dog destroyed my vacuum cord. He promised to fix it. He never did. I finally said something about it and he said he would "fix it". I politely declined and told him I would prefer he replaced the cord all together. He didn't want to. He still hasn't replaced it. After waiting for almost 4 months, I told him Im done waiting. I am taking the cost to have it replaced, out of his deposit. He didn't say a word. 

I started to become more symptomatic after a bad neurologist made a mistake. I expressed that the smell of the dab and pot in the house makes my symptoms worse. Roommate ignored me when I mentioned smoking outside, again, but bought various alternatives to combat the smell. He also bought a fan for his window. 

6+ months of this guy living in my basement and a water pipe burst in his room. I was denied access because it was his bed time and he had to wrong the next day. He threw a toddler style fit to let me know he wasn't happy that I expected to see the water damage as soon as it was brought to my attention, around 10 pm. He cried to my boyfriend and yelled at me. Somehow, I was the asshole in the situation. 

Three weeks after the pipe mess was resolved, I noticed the house smelling like dab and weed again first thing in the morning after roommate left for work. 

I messaged him to tell him this. I told him if he is going to continue to insist on smoking in my house, do find a way so I don't smell it, and so the smoke alarm doesn't continue to go off each time he forgets to blow it out the window.  He apologized, stating he ran out of spray and didn't have the money to get more...

Mind you, this guy has a job when he moved in. 

Got fired for being aggressive with staff, and then he lived off of his 401k until it was gone. He barely made rent the last two months. Then he even went behind my back and gave a sob story to my boyfriend about why rent was going to be late. Leaving me out of it completely. 

Mortgage due on the 15th. His rent is due no later than the 14th. All of it. Not part of it, ALL of it. This was the deal when he moved in. My boyfriend is going back on what he agreed to when I agreed to let his friend move in. Mind you, I'm the only one on the mortgage. 

My boyfriend is a softy, but also a total child when it comes to handling real things. I should also mention, we are all in the mid to late 30's range. We agreed that he would handle anything and everything to do with his friend living here if anything comes up needing to be discussed or handled. That is not happening anymore. 

We had two other roommates prior to this dude moving in, and heach was a nightmare. The recent roommate is ok but he is a total slob, only cleans up after himself and his dog when asked or told to do it. I have to ask him to take out the garbage, to vacuum his area, to clean up after his dog, etc. It took him 3 months of living here before he ever went outside to clean up his dog's poo! I personally haven't been able to clean up after my own dog, but had tried so many times to get everyone in the house to pitch in on a dog poo cleaning service because I was post concussion healing and really struggling with just the basics.  I bought three 30$ pooper scoopers to get the job done by all living in the house. I was the only one who at least TRIED to clean up. I finally put the scoopers on the porch and told roommate to get it done. He kind of snapped back and said he would do some of it but not all. It took everything in me to bite my tongue... Like, dude, you sit around blowing your money on coke and beer and vacations. You don't clean the house or even your room. Your dog has had her heat and you still haven't bathed her. Fucking kidding me??? I broke down finally and he overheard me crying, literally crying to my mom about how my house is falling apart now that I have my brain injury and cannot keep up with the chores and that nobody is helping me, or even respecting me or my needs. 

I am officially done doing things this way!

I hired help (last night) to get my house clean every week while I am still in severe post concussiom status. Just the basics; kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, putting things away, throwing away mountains of my boyfriend's beer cans and boxes, etc., and washing dishes. 

My boyfriend doesn't know that I have made these plans official yet. Actually, he is on a working vacation out of town, and we are not currently speaking because he is mad I nicely asked him to pick up after himself before leaving for his working vacation. I told him I cannot keep cleaning up after him right now. I explained that it is no wonder my brain isn't healing..

in order to heal said brain injury, I am 100%  required to relax to heal and I haven't so I'm not healing. He tried to argue and I responded by quickly snapping back that I'm stressed only because he refuses to help me by cleaning up after himself. That we only wrlcer argue over THAT. I told him I was leaving, to plz lmk when he is done cleaning up and I will come home. I left, went shopping for the house like I always do, made it home three hours later, found his car gone, hisesses partially cleaned up, and he refused to answer when I called him the first time so... I have not bothered him at all since my call attempt Sunday. 

I am feeling suicidal tonight. I cut when I'm stressed. It has calmed down a lot since I caught my TBI because of the severe impact his has on my symptoms flaring up. I keep wondering WHY I AM STILL HERE. 

I am in Hell. I have had a continuous migraine since February of 2022, after a stupid nurse gave me 8 too many Botox/lidocaine combo injections into my head and neck when they knew I was only to have maybe 2 or three... And all I'm trying to do is navigate the chaotic and unfamiliar waves of my new life, living with this injury. I just want to heal. I cannot heal if I have to keep doing everything for everyone, reminding grown men to flush the brown remnants of the shit they've released from their bowels, or to throw away their fucking garbage instead of leaving it on the counter, two feet away from the can. To clean up after themselves, roommate and his dog. No, instead, he mows the lawn, with picks up some of the dog shit, but smashes the rest into the grass! I keep this bottled. I get yelled at for having an opinion. I cook dinner, I also clean up after myself. I also put it away. I shop, I carry the groceries in and put them away by myself. Do I get a thank you? No, I get ball busted by two dudes who live in my fucking house, who I owe NOTHING TO... but cannot seem to get through to. The roommate is one thing, but my own boyfriend? Guess who is paying for the house keeper!? Not me! 

Guess who is being told they're not allowed to smoke in my house anymore starting tomorrow? My fucking roommate, that's who!!! I am going to tell him if he does it anymore, I am going to charge him 100$ every time. If he wants to lose his deposit, fine. He has 300$ of it left to blow. 3 x, and he signs his own 30 day notice. 

No, we never signed a lease. Yes, stupid me. I know. I live, I learn. I tried to write it out, my brain couldn't process it. It caused more stress than what it seemed to have been worth at the time. I understand the errors of my ways... And I am the reason I'm being taken advantage of. I get that. I need to grow a pair and stand up for myself and for my house... And I need to heal, with, or without my boyfriend. 

 


1 like, 3 comments

I won't write much for now. It's just kinda weird, TODAY bloop popped into my mind. So, yeah I pulled the page up and couldn't remember my password, had to reset it. So much has taken place in this world, in our nation since my last entry. 

I'm well, my family, all are well, thank GOD! 

It's just weird that I come here and honestly don't see anyone I recognize. Way back when I first joined which was probably 20 yrs ago... there were so many here and we all had a wondeful time sharing our life stories, day after day, I was able to talk to alot of younger people and try give advice that would help to make their lives better. I prayed with many of them too. 

It's good to have a place to come and share the ups and downs in a person's life. We all just MUST stay safe, they do have many people online with evil intentions. 

So, I popped in to say hello to everyone. and May the good Lord keep you ALL safe. 

Maybe another time, I will write more and fill in more what all, I been up to, since long ago. 

until then..... :)


0 likes, 2 comments
Recent Forum Reply
Forum Thread: Diamond Painting
Forum: Art
Yes we are! And yes that is exactly what they are! Some people sell them, I enjoy doing them but I don't hang things on my walls because I rent and I don't want to have to fix walls when I move out lol. I am thinking of trying Facebook Marketplace first and if not, etsy. I already have a shop there.

I remember using BloopDiary obsessively when I was about 11.

Here I am now 27 years old, thought to look up the website and see if I could find my old diary. It would have been funny to reread.

Alas, it is gone... but maybe that's for the best. I would have cringed for sure.

Anyhow, I was surprised to find Bloop is still going and in about the same shape it was when I left it!

I've lost all rembembrance of the HTML formatting and other fun stuff I did.

I have definitely missed the customizability of the early internet, before all content was filtered between the same 5 social media sites.

Oh god, I'm doing a "back in my day", aren't I?

YOU DANG WHIPPERSNAPPERS WITH YOUR TIK TOKS GET OFF MY LAWN!!

Ah. I feel better.

 

So I'm not sure what to write here or how much. We'll see how I feel.

TTYL

~Cat


1 like, 5 comments
Hey all! Beth here, your community organizer!

I have had the privilege of witnessing the geekathon going on between diary site owner, Steve Collison, and our site developer Mark Rose and I have to say without giving it all away that big ideas have been thrown out there.

What do you guys think about this:

There may be bloopers who have budding podcasts, youtube channels, instagram accounts, and tiktok accounts. What if we made it possible for you to embed your account(s) to your diaries and it updated when you update said account so it gives you an avenue to gain more likes, follows, and traffic for you?

Would this be something you'd be excited to utilize on your diary?
0 likes, 0 comments
Hezzzzoooo!
by vatten m

Hezzzzzoooo (hello), all! May is over and June is here!  I am on summer break from school and Spiva.  What to do, what to do...it is a conundrum wrapped in a mystery.  

 

I did a massive bit of yardwork 3 days ago and am still recuperating from a sun-roast!  I am a fair skinned redhead who hasn't seen much sun this year due to work.  It was bound to happen.  It is nothing that I cannot handle.  

 

My high school friend, K, had a sad event in her life.  Her father died of liver cancer after only being diagnosed on May 13th.  He died 2 days after his 67th birthday...at the end of May.  His funeral has come and gone.  She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers.  That family is like a second family to me.  Her family is extremely close-knit.  I worry about them and their journey through grief.  

 

One of my cats is holding me down and, I believe, is out to get me.  I think he is trying to gas me out.  Pee-yoo!!!!  He is rank!

Okay, I am out of here.  I have go check into work.  Someone is sick and asking for a cover person. I hope that someone else volunteers but I am not holding my breath.  Or maybe I should....considering Bugerbutt's odorous torture...-- Your friendly neighborhood nose holder, Robyn


0 likes, 1 comment
June 2, 2022
by raen

Well....I lost my debit card last Saturday, and someone decided to use it and tap it everywhere. The bank has give me a new card and the money will be returned to me in the next week or so. But now I'm so paranoid I took the tap function off the card. This year is really doing a number on me. I also have to use a verbal password everytime I have to go into the bank, just for extra security. I've gone crazy. Simply crazy.

 

If I didn't have a handle on my mental health, I honestly think this year would have done me in. The amount of crap I've been handed so far for 2022 is out of this world. 

 

Oh, and I have an ocular migraine right now, so that's really nice. 


0 likes, 0 comments

Im really missing her friendship. Im trying to give her time and space but its killing me inside. I just genuinely miss talking to her and getting to see her everyday. I dont know how to heal this hurt, Im at such a loss. I think Ive fallen in love with her and this is where all these pent up feelings are coming from. But I cant love, my heart cant handle it. This whole journey I have been on with her, all the things that we went through together, it just weighs on me so heavy. I cannot stop thinking about our time together as friends, how much we enjoyed each others company. I really want to talk to her, to make sure shes okay, I need this closure. Without the closure, my heart is absolutely hurting so bad. I tried to do other hobbies to take my mind off of her but everything I do reminds me of her, every song I listen to is one she sent me to listen to. I cant shake this feeling, the distress I feel.


The week off was much needed but at the same time, staycation was tough because I had too much time to sit and think about everything and how bad things got. I never wanted it to be this way, I didnt want to hurt her. But I also wonder if she even cares anymore. Is she sitting at home thinking about me like Im thinking about her? I highly doubt it, she has a life, she has friends, I on the other hand, have only a couple friends. Plus it doesnt help that one of my friends is also friends with her so he is stuck in the middle. I went out to his house the other night in hopes to get a lot of things off my chest but it really didnt come to that. We briefly talked about her but it didnt really help me at all. Still, it was a little distraction for me for one evening. But after a whole week of trying to do things to take my mind off everything, on my final day its all hitting me really hard.


I thought I would be fine but today all the feelings are coming back and crashing down on me. My anxiety is through the roof today and I feel so uneasy in my own home. I was really looking foward to having a low key day and just binging netflix but I cant. Im pacing my apartment, stuck in my own head, playing re runs of my life over the past year. The highlight of the past year was her, meeting her, getting to know her and opening up my heart to her. And in turn, gaining her trust so that she felt comfortable enough to tell me some very personal things. She will never understand how much she means to me and how she really helped me. She was my one thing to look forward to everyday and now I wont be seeing her at all and thats a really hard pill for me to swallow. I really miss her friendship, her laughter and her smile. Plus I miss looking into those eyes cause when we talked to each other we just stared so hard into each others eyes. I miss that...I miss her...


0 likes, 2 comments

I sent a text message to her and said she was the most amazing person I had met, and she made my world. We had so many memories in the past year that it was hard to just let all that go. I highlighted a bunch of things we experienced together this past year and just said thanks for the memories. Even if she doesnt want to talk to me anymore, or even try to remember me, I want her to know that I wont let go of her memory that easily. She meant a lot to me.....and I feel that feeling fading. Ive had some days to collect my thoughts and figure out where Im at. Im a grown adult but no matter what I manage to find a way to just destroy relationships in an epic matter. Whether its a friendship or relationship, I just know how to make it end in a spew of fireworks and hand grenades.

 

 

 

She text me back a few days later, and when I saw it pop up in my notifications it made my heart stop. Once I read it, I kinda wished my heart really had stopped. She felt pretty hurt by the whole deal...I dont want this to be her definition of how friendships go, I dont want her to think Im an asshole friend, I dont want her to think she will have to judge all future relationships off me and my mistakes. Right now, its best I just come to terms with my defeat and let her have her space, cause that was her wish, she wished to give it time, give her space, let her figure it out. I respect that and Im coming to terms with that...slowly...


Despite my feelings of loss and depression I actually went out on a date with a beautful woman the other night. I willed myself into it cause I honestly wanted to stay wrapped up in my thoughts and depression and trying to figure things out on my own. I toughed it out, and she was amazing, she was so beautiful, I couldnt believe how amazing she looked. But I was so far off my game and small talk that things just kinda fell flat. I did my best to keep the convo going and I did, but there was just too much on my mind, too many things for me to comb through that I couldnt be entertaining at all. But I was proud of myself for giving it a go, trying to move on with my life. Even a good friend of mine, told me it was awesome I was putting myself out there. It was tough....


There will always be the lingering thought in the back of my mind that Im just that guy, that asshole that ruined her perception of men. Im just defeated at this point.....


0 likes, 1 comment
Not Easier
by Concrete Rose
It's hard to believe, but it's been about 10.5 months since Mark last talked to me. And I still fucking miss him.

I still think about him every single fucking day. There are days when I don't think about him as much, but not a single day goes by that he doesn't cross my mind. It's amazing how many books and tv shows have characters with that name. I never realized how popular that name was. Or am I just noticing it because I miss him?

Yesterday Dad and I took the Winter cover off my pool, and it wasn't as easy as it was last year. And after I came inside, I cried because I thought of Mark. And I think I cried because I wish it was him helping me take the cover off. I wish he was here with me. And even today, I'm having issues with my filter, and it's frustrating because I have no one to ask. It's just me trying to figure shit out on my own. And I'm crying again, because I wish Mark was here and we could figure this out together. And I'm crying because I fucking miss him. It's as simple as that.

Missing him hasn't gotten any easier. I still wonder if he stayed with his wife or maybe he finally left her and is figuring his life out. Maybe he's with someone else. I wonder how much he's paying in gas. I wonder how his job is. I wonder if he still sleeps in his car. I wonder if he's complaining because they've already gotten weather in the 90's.

But does he think of me? When he hears my name, does he think of me? Does he still think of me when he cums? Does he wonder how my job is or how the weather is here? Does he wonder if I'm dating anyone? Do I cross his mind every single day?

He started talking to me again on June 1 and it's hard to believe that we are only a few days from that. It's hard to believe that it's already been almost a year. And what's worse, is that it's almost been a year since he stopped talking to me. It's been almost an entire year that I have wished for Mark to come back. It's been almost an entire year that I still haven't moved on.

I want to get married and I want to have kids and the clock is ticking and I am stuck because Mark ruined me. I feel like it's either Mark or no one and I cannot figure out how to move on and to find someone else to enjoy life with. How do you find someone else when you can't get someone else out of your mind. How do you find someone else when you miss another person. It is a daily struggle.
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..it cant be undone..
by emptyroom

This week was one of the hardest weeks Ive had to go through in a long, long time. I basically lost a really close friend of mine and when I say lost, I mean we had to end our friendship. Its not what I wanted, it wasnt my choice, it was hers and it has left me hurt and confused. Ive consumed more alcohol than I ever have and while she was a really close friend, I also had a huge crush on her and thats what makes this even harder for me. We saw each other everyday, we laughed, we joked, we got on each others nerves.


But it was all coming to a head, I knew months ago that things were going to have to change, or something drastic was going to happen. I knew that I was going to have to walk away at some point but I never wanted to come to terms with it. Work has been stressful, I was failing at my job, I was letting people down, I wasnt cut out for the position. I tried so hard to make things work at my job but I felt like I always had my back against the wall and I was just being setup to fail. I tried, I failed. So I decided to walk away, take a job transfer, work on my mental health and see if I could turn things around for myself. But I didnt know I would lose a friend in the process.


My selfish decision lead to cutting ties with a very close friend of mine. Worst part is I also have a huge crush on this friend. She was upset, she took it hard and took it personal. Things happened so fast that I never had a chance to explain my side of the story. And when I had the chance to explain my side, it wasnt received well. I cant go into all the details cause its a lot but we grew very close, too close in some cases and I knew we just couldnt be around each other anymore. Everything was failing for me, both professionaly and personally. I never thought that it would come to this. I figured I would walk away before things got too complicated and now things are way more complicated than they ever were.


I feel heartbroken, beaten down...I lost a great person in my life and I only hope time will heal the wounds and maybe we can talk again one day. But for now, Im having a hard time dealing with it. This person means more to me than they will ever know and they helped me through some difficult times. In turn, I helped her through some difficult times. She really means the world to me but she will never see it that way. She sees it as I left her, I abandonded her but really I was walking away in hopes of saving the friendship because if we kept on this path, it would have ended anyway. I know that probably doesnt make much sense but nothing really does right now. I took a risk walking away but because I never had time to talk to her, to talk her through it and to explain my reasoning, now I have lost a friend.


There's no undoing the job transfer, theres no undoing the pile of shit that I dropped on her unexpectedly. It wasnt my intention to leave her with all this, it just happened that way. And for that, I am sorry and I am left heartbroken. I will miss her smile, her side glare, her eye rolls and her laugh. I will miss telling her lame jokes and saying horrible catch phrases. I will miss having her by my side, her shoulder to lean on. I will miss her hating on me, I will miss looking at her beautiful eyes cause my god she has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. I will miss walking through the door, looking at her and having her smile at me and laugh a little. It was flirty, it was fun, it was comforting to have her around. Im gonna miss it so much and I dont know where to go from here. My heart hurts like I lost a loved one and to be honest, it kinda feels that way. I hope one day she will understand what I did, I hope she will learn to forgive me because this pain I feel lets me know that all those feelings were real. Now Im scared, lonely and not sure what tomorrow will bring. I just want her back in my life.....


1 like, 1 comment
STEWARDSHI*
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

STEWARDSHIP has been turned into STEWARDSHIT. Spent my life knowing how to read people. Learned early on what angers people and what calms them down. Body language, eyes, hands, shoulders, hands in pocket or out, they do self soothing mechanisms, hands legs, I became a human lie detector and even when I dont say anything? I see. I see you. Had to learn to use those things for self preservation, and outright survival of the physical mostly, but even the soul sometimes. Learn what people what to hear.

Spent my life despising labels, was born different and damaged. So being born into a world where every soul is compartmentalized and juidged and labeled and stuffed into boxes they dont belong in, and the rest of their lives are history. Recovering from this, being treated for that. Some people are born damaged, but that doesnt always mean that they need to be fixed. Labeled. Drugged. Tormented and rejected. All because of a system who makes trillions off keeping sick, physically and mentally. Trillions of dollars of busines in medical and psych.

What would happen if peopel were treated as someone who isnt broken? If people were allowed to heal? The system would be out of business, but my god, maybe kids would know what human really means, instead of always falling short of what they are ' supposed to act like, and be '.

Who decided what is sane and insane? If this world would abide by the 10 commandments alone, at least 90% of the need for this all important '' system '' that has taken the place of God in peoples lives, would be gone. This worlds version of suggess comes at way too high of a price. The buying and selling and trading and tricking people to agree, of HUMAN SOULS.

If I had listened, I would have a laundry list of so called diagnoses. So basically have spent my entire life running from the truth.

NOW, on the other hand? A system people either 1. aRE BLINDLY TRUSTING IN OR 2. Are badmouthing without the resources, knowledge or skill to do anything about, may be seen by some as being counterproductive. I want to be part of the solution, not the problem. If ' being honest ' means to go by labels given? It means acknowledging their labels and how they apply to me/us, and choosing to say NO I DONT ACCEPT YOUR JUDGMENT OF ME NO MATTER HOW MANY GENERATIONS ITS BEEN.

tHE NORMAL? To fight being controlled by a system that doesnt even truly want to see you get well.

I live in a world where gifted becomes ' SPECIAL NEEDS ' and differences are looked down upon. Why is it so important for them to make us all the same? That is impossible for some of us, we wouldnt be born damaged if the powers that be werent so threatened by us that they dumbed dowm generation after generation. Metals that cut off our abilities and connection to the creator. So when some are born with that halfway intact? We are healers, supernatural by definition. AND can hear God. The source of all. So that has become delusional, and skitzo? And that cookie cutter version of us has replaced true humanity. STEWARDSHIP has been turned into STEWARDSHIT. Stewardship of human life and this planet has been replaced with blindly obey - consume - destroy for profit and greed and teach the next generation to be even worse than us. ALL to fix the problems we created in the first place.

Theres nothing wrong with my generation except for being the victims of pride, greed, arrogance, make money wheel. The real American Way. I am grateful for so many reasons to have been born in the states. But wer are HUMANS. HU-(Bent angle ( angel ? ) of light MAN. Light in flesh. What exactly has that meaning become? Maybe Angels, light and love dont look like what we think.

Maybe it looks like me. Or you. Or the person homeless on the street. Maybe.......<3


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About to clean the living room. Imagine a world underground. I know what happens. I know where you go. I know all the pieces and none of the words.

So I look for a show, something to fill the silence. I just don't want to jump to the window at every car door. It's the neighbors. I just can't let the curiosity go if I hear it. It's not a traight I hope to nurture. Songs have always been distracting. The words stick to my memories, waiting to be stolen. So I look for a show. Something I don't have to watch but nothing so familiar it relaxes me to sleep. 

I want to be painting. 

I was painting this weekend, a Wednesday really. I told J "I watch people do this, watch their videos,"I pause  "and they stay completely clean. I never could do that." I wear a pink shirt covered in paint and marks from bleach and dye. My hands stained in purple. Changing is part of the ritual.

I told j once with paint on my hands that this is how I feel the most like myself. He mocks me with it pretty regularly now.  "I'm never baring my soul to you again!" I say with an eyeroll.

The baby cries and I realize these is no day we can hang out and paint together. I traded it.Someone has to be the active watcher so if I paint I will be lonely even when doing it together. We can't both make things with our hands.. Maybe next year. But for now I am thankful he gave me his time so I could get it done. And in the inbetween moments we sit in the sunshine right next to the dog.

I have not raided in a year. And it still hurts to even say it typed out alone to myself.

A is asleep now. I'll finish up. Maybe I'll have time to draw.

 


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May 17, 2022
by raen

Well, I'm alive. Yesterday was my first day back to work after covid. I was exhausted the entire time. Also, I couldn't walk and talk at the same time. LOL Feeling the need to catch my breath quite frequently. But I'm getting better. I just assume I'll be more tired than usual. Since I'm always tired anyway, that's not a new sensation. 

 

Also did some spring cleaning of my dresser today. I've put so much aside to be donated. Yeesh. Felt really satisfying, though. 

 

Ate a massive salad with tons of veggies for lunch, followed by a bowl of fresh fruit. Yum.


0 likes, 1 comment
May 11, 2022
by raen

You know how I said I only caught a cold? LOL 

 

I've got Covid now. And it's awful. Even with three shots of the vaccine. One can only assume I'm getting an extra special experience because of the lovely autoimmune disease I have. Wow do I feel like shit. Like, take it back. I don't need it. It's like a cold on crack. I'm too tired to do anything, but I can't really sleep all that much. My head feels foggy and full. The congestion is out of this world, folks. It's a treat. I can't even imagine what it's like without being vaccinated. Like holy shit man.  I'm over it now. I'd like to breathe now.


0 likes, 4 comments
Hello Bloopers!

Great news! Steve, Mark, and I are gearing up to start meeting again and planning the future of our great BloopDiary! We know we have much work to do though. As a community, we share this space and we feel it's important that everyone has a voice here. We want to hear from you because your opinion matters!

We would love for you to take a few moments and answer the following questions for us. All your answers will be helping us decide what next to do with the site!

1. What is your most favorite feature to use?
2. What is your least favorite feature to use?
3. What feature would you like to see added to Bloop that we currently do not have?
4. How easy is it to navigate around Bloop?
5. If you could change one thing, what would it be and why?
6. Any other comments, questions, or concerns you'd like to share?

NOTE: I have made all comments on this entry private so the only ones who can see your answers are you and us! If you feel it is easier for you to answer in a private message, that is also okay.

Thank you so much for your help,

Beth, Community Organizer
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May 5, 2022
by raen

Nothing too exciting to share with you all. Chris got Covid and I just got a cold. LOL The person with an autoimmune disease has avoided direct contact with Covid. I am magic.

 

Just got a cardboard cut under a fingernail today. That bled a lot. It also hurt. C'est la vie. Now I'm going for a walk with a friend around downtown and by the water. Ah, the joys of having a city on one of the Great Lakes. So nice.


0 likes, 2 comments
Dead
by valencia
Heyyy!

So everything is getting better. I love my job, I am now doing PI which I love, my commute is not that bad. We are slowly catching up on our bills and just trying to rebuild out life after being houseless for 90 days.

We have some concerts we want to attend during the summer and some small Cali trips planned but after we get our finances in order. I am so excited for the future and love spending time with the love of my life and my little family.

A couple of days ago I found out my ex Eman died. I honestly have mixed feelings. Like it is very bittersweet but also he was a narcissistic person and very abusive towards me so it is weird. It was a very terrible relationship, but it seems like the cancer took over and he died in the hospital. I honestly don't know what to think except i am happy with Ryan but also feel weird and guilty because I moved on in my life but also he ends up dying and didn't have his ever happy ending which sucks but also it seems like he treated everyone around him great except me. I was the one girl that treated him so good but also got treated like shit but also it feels like it is a good time to release everything and let him rest in peace. It is just super weird though like he is forever gone. A part of me feels relieved also because there is no way he can contact me ever again. He contacted me in April I showed Ryan but I never responded. I mean this man almost destroyed our relationship, luckily Ryan forgave me if not I would of lost the most important person in my life, my true soul mate and my one and only. But yeah it seems like a perfect way to finally close that chapter in my life and be done with it. Anyways I gtg peace!
2 likes, 0 comments
Love lost
by Lost one

I lost my first love one year ago.  I never told him.  We met when we were tweens.  He was my neighbor.  When I found out he had feelings for me.  Allowed my depression take over.   Making me feel, both afraid and unworthy of him.  So I pushed him away.  Now he is gone.  

I have a boyfriend now, and I do love him.  It's just the thought of my first love not being in this world, Breaks my heart, and makes me feel I failed him. 

But I have to hide this pain because, no one can know how much I loved him.  So I only let myself, cry for him alone.  It is what I deserve.  

 


1 like, 0 comments
Alternative journal
by ~Anonymouse~

I have an Open Diary here. But here is my alternative journal for my simming and everything else I can think of. Heh. I'm playing Pokemon White 2 and already b4 Cheren's gym, I've got a full team. You can read about that over at my OD.

My aunt is here and tonight we are having fish & chips and coleslaw for dinner. I need to drink some water...

Anyways.. I will have something other than this placer up later. Perhaps pics? I will take photos of my meal and what have you.

Sammy


1 like, 1 comment

So I'm learning that not everyone can hear the hum of electricity as a constant background noise? So this is an autism thing? I thought everyone could hear it?????

I guess not. 

 

Also, my boss keeps trying to get me to work today and tomorrow because someone called in and I've had the whole no sleep thing because I live with someone with Covid right now....No. Just no.


0 likes, 3 comments
April 8, 2022
by raen

Chris has covid and somehow I haven't caught it yet. Fingers crossed, folks. I'm off for the next few days regardless, though. I was told I could work and then I went in for half an hour and got the stink eye from several coworkers (despite the fact that I wear a maks religiously), and told they didn't want me there. So I'm home for several days. In the event I catch covid while home, it'll be even longer. We'll see. Somehow I've managed to escape it despite saliva getting mixed up between us. 

 

Sleeping on the couch has sucked, though. Tonight we're swapping the sleeping arrangements. My back has decided it hates the couch now. Sleep has been pretty garbage.


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I am passionate. I am intense. Anyways. Absolutely anything to do with psychology in this world is infiltrated. The Illuminati owns every University. And for me to say that is really something because I studied it for many years. Writing papers about it getting graded on bullshit. But I'm really glad because now I can see that it is flawed.

It's just like the medical system is all a mouse on wheel type situation because there's never a cure it's always a means to an end of more money made for the system. If we don't know who we are of course we're going to hurt our bodies. And when we find out who we are and stop hurting it that's when they start hurting it. Which leads us to hurt it again, out of desperation and physical sickness. It is a vicious circle. But everybody blames the person who did it instead of the forces behind why they did it.

EVERYONE was taught by this world. even the amish go to doctors or shrinks etc. Everyone claims to believe something that when extreme circumstances happen, they do not follow...That is partially why I hate religon. We are not to judge anyone for anything because we don't understand what's going on in other realms. Everything manifest first in the spiritual and then here. When people make stupid choices I'll just use myself as an example it's because we've been tortured to a point we can't take it anymore at least for those of us who are on The Hit List of the program.

It's called being a starseed but I hate using that word now because the new age people have screwed it up so bad. The point is we're not from here. Example: People cut themselves as teenagers is because they need to breathe I'll just leave it at that. This body is only a vessel remember. I tried to explain before it's like when people cut themselves as teenagers there's a reason for that. And it's not mental illness but they don't understand then they're taught by the world that they need therapy and help.

I am just so fed up and I am talking to myself as well too. This is going in my book. I am so tired of people not having the balls to live what they claim to believe. EVERY BODY LIES. But then...We all try again tomorrow...Unpromised days ahead? I hope so.

SO many people feel they have sealed their fate. I was one of them. But I am gonna rip the canvas off and start again, because NO ONE is going to tell me anymore who I am, why I do what I do, or anything because only God knows my heart and it is NOT true that how a person acts reflects their heart, are you kidding me? The angriest, meanest people are usually those who are and have been hurting the worst! But you people would rather take your Bible and bash us over the head.

I know the word of God better than most, and it was NOT meant to be a weapon against other people. You know why you believe what you do? Because someone told you. EVERY SINGLE BELIEF YOU HOLD IS SOMETHING YOU WERE TOLD. That my friend is called indoctrination. That my friend is called programming. That my friend is called BRAINWASHING.

I am not saying ALL you were told is a lie, but ask God to strip you of everything you have ever believed, and ONLY TAKE THE TRUTH FROM HIS VOICE. No books. No pastors. No nothing. For even a week for crying out loud. Go out in nature. Talk to God. You might soon find that you will be talking WITH Him instead. THE ANSWERS WE SEEK ARE WITHIN. It could not be more simple. Yet it took me all my life to get what it really means. Silly rabbit I am. Love you all.


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Thanks everyone
by valencia
I just want to get on here real quick and say thank you everyone, things are getting better. I am settled in the new place, we still need to bring boxes to the place but we will do that once Ryan comes back. He will be back Saturday and I miss him like crazy. We ended up paying the deposit and waiting for my old job to send me my check they had mailed to my old address. Today I stayed home from work because they had my cubicle upstairs and they didn't realize I was disabled so they are moving my stuff downstairs. They hired me virtually and I never disclose my disability because honestly I have gotten discriminated against it. Anyways that is another story. So me and Lucky are just cuddling. I am opening a checking account at a local credit union since I have an address now. So excited! Going to change my address online, and close my virtual mailbox, and then call my insurance and change the address for that. I might as well use the day to be productive. Also my dad is sending me 50 bucks rn so I can have enough gas for the week to go to work, and I need to go buy a few groceries. I figured I will go to Trader Joe's to buy some bread, eggs and avocado, maybe make some tacos tonight. Since hamburger meat is super cheap.

I just miss my boyfriend so much and I can't wait until Saturday.
It seems things are getting better. Cali is super expensive but our rent is super cheap and I am making more money 3 bucks more than my previous job so I know we will be able to save but it is just getting started is the hardest part and I feel like we can never catch a break. Our relationship gets stronger but the outside circumstances just keeps getting piled on and the sucky part is it all involves money. I hate it.

In short I owe my roommate our rent and Lucky deposit. Lucky deposit is 300 and our rent is 1035.00. I need that check from my previous job because then we don't owe to much after that. I would only owe like 300 which is great. I hate hate owing people money like it fucking annoys me to no end. I am super grateful that he was able to help us out of course but I never want to be in this situation ever again. I want to pay off shit, and save money. Ryan also gets paid next week so I am grateful for that. And he has a 2nd job. So I know by next week everything will be paid off to the roomie. Then after that we can start paying bills off. Whew!

Anyways ttul! Thanks everyone for the encouraging comments.

Valencia
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I don't even know where to start but honestly I hate California. We been here 90 days and been homeless for 90 days. His mom never let us stay at her house because of my dog Lucky so we been sleeping in motels and in the car. It has been a disaster. I don't think I have hated a person as much as I have.

We finally got approved for a house with roommates of course, I got fired from the job I got arriving here because I missed so many days and didn't have stable housing. I quickly got another job with a 3 dollar raise and I start Monday. And then to top it all off, this morning when I was supposed to pay the deposit my old job had no deposited my paycheck. They sent it via mail to my old address. An address that no longer is valid. So fml! We had most of the deposit and the landlord was like if you can get the deposit you can move in. We are still about 150 short but we been getting donations in. But still it is such a hassle. I hate hate having to ask for mutual aid when I know most.people are suffering. It is not fair to ask for it but I was out of options. Ryan got a loan for 250 but they will not deposit it into his account until Monday. His mom refuses to help us at all. She let me stay here in this week only because she is out of town but Lucky had to go to the baby sitters. Luckily she covered it because we can't afford any of this stuff. The motel for the week is like 700 so we door dashed to be able to have a place over our head. We don't qualify for any help because we make to much money.it is all bullshit. Texas being a republican state helps there citizens more than here in Cali. It is so bizzare to me.

On top of all this bullshit his mom scheduled a vacy back in January for her and Ryan and so Ryan is away until next Friday. Livid is an understatement.but he has issues saying no to her. And she is really horrible to Ryan when Ryan stands up for himself. So this really affecting our relationship. She is very codependent on him it is super bizarre. I don't care to not be included in this vacation because I can take myself anywhere once I am settled and caught up on payments. But what gets me about all this bullshit is she has the audacity to schedule a vacation when she knows damn well the time Ryan is away is time away from his Job and we depend a lot on his tips for food and gas etc. And not having his tips is hurting us. Like he works weekends and this weekend he is away so he loses time on the clock and on the tips. No fucking respect for your son and his job. Just because he is a busser does not mean his job is not important. She is such a fucking typical boomer. Like she told me that she worked her whole life to pay off her house and she thinks it is a badge of honor to work like a dog and I am thinking in my head you are idiot. When you retire in 4 years lady they will replace you instantly. I can't stand boot licker. Anyways I am just so frustrated. And I don't think I will ever like her. Because the way she treats us. The other day Ryan asked her if she would buy us breakfast and she refused. She did let us eat some left over pancake that she had like we are some we are less than. She doesn't like me. I have never been around a person that fights over food or is like. I have grown so much Ryan has also and our relationship has gotten stronger but since we signed the contract for a year we are going to see how it goes but I am leaning towards moving back to Texas next year. Ryan already said he will go back with me.

We will see
Anyways peace I know it is all jumbled but I really needed to vent.
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weekend
by toddheimbecker

havw  a nice weekend all


1 like, 0 comments
Where to?
by X Marks The Spot

There is a lot of craziness in the world. I sometimes think sanity did not survive the Coronavirus lock down. Half way around the world we seem to be on the brink of World War 3 because of one deranged man. I hope there is a future left my daughter. Well, I'll stick around as long as possible I guess....


1 like, 1 comment

I've been thinking about death a lot lately and I want to make a YouTube video about it. So I though I'd write my rough script here in case anyone wants to read it.

When I was 7, my dad passed away from a heart attack. When I was 32, my mum passed away from cancer. Even though I'm 36 now, I still feel like a boy in an adult's body, so I guess I feel like an orphan. On top of all of that, around Christmas in 2021, my adopted kids biological mother and grandmother both passed away unexpectedly. To say I've been thinking about death a lot lately would be an understatement. The way TV shows portray dealing with death is so inaccurate and so I wanted to share my experience.

As I said, I was 7 when my dad died. The strangest thing about that is that the most vivid memory I have of my dad was him actually exiting my life. I was playing in the back yard with my cousins and we were digging a hole in an attempt to dig to the other side of the world. When I walked in, he was dead in his armchair. We were young and naive. But my naivety extended way past the back yard. I remember at the funeral my sister was crying while holding me and I truly can't say that I fully understood the implications of what had happened. My dad was somewhat a part of my life, but he worked a lot and spent a lot of time at pubs. My mum took care of me for the most part and she still existed at this point.

From my seven year old perspective, nothing really changed. My mum continued to take care of me, and my auntie Gina started to help by babysitting while my mum was at work. Though it is sad to say, in many ways my mum was probably better off without my dad. In other ways, not so much. It might well be my mum's effort that made life seem like it hadn't changed. I wonder how hard she had to work to compensate.

But even with things seemingly being no different, things were actually very different. At that point my entire life changed. My father figure (regardless of whether it was a good or bad one) was gone. My mum lost her partner. I don't know if they would have stayed together anyway, but death probably robbed her of that closure. There would be nights where I'd ball my eyes out and tell myself how much I missed my dad. And yet, strange as it was, I couldn't even remember my dad.

And I often wonder about this for others that lost a parent at a young age. For me, it's like my memory is segmented. I can remember pretty much nothing from before the age of 7. It's like life started then and no earlier. I'll remember little things like my mum and dad argued, which is an unfortunate memory. But then there'll be one of those memories like my dad wearing aftershave because he was going on a date with my mum. Those memories are the kind that are so bittersweet. I savor them for as long as I can before they ultimately sink into me leaving me feeling empty with intense despair.

All I really have to go by with my dad is the memories of others. And I relish in those memories. I have laughed and cried hearing what others had to say about him.

I think the strangest thing to come from all of this is my understanding of pride. When people have told me that they're proud of me or that they're proud of something I've accomplished, it has always seemed so alien to me. Like what kind of words are those? Why are you proud of what I have done? That's my work - not yours. And then one day I ended up at a psychic. Long story, but it wasn't for me and I wouldn't go again. But in the middle of this session the psychic turned to me and told me my dad was in the room. He told me that my dad died and that he had two heart attacks. This was accurate. And then he told me that my dad wanted me to know that he was proud of me. And I broke down. I don't think I had ever heard those words from my dad or my mum. It cut right through any hard exterior shell that I had.

I have realized since then that my children need to know that I am proud of them. That I need to recognize the challenges that they overcome. And when I tell them that I'm proud of something they've accomplished that I know they've been struggling with, I can see how deeply those words sink in for them.

And so fast forward to 2017 when my mum passed away. She was 64 years old and I was 32. I'll always remember because 64 is 2 times 32. She had cancer and it spread. Some people say the doctors should have done more, some people say she became complacent. I don't really care, I just know that I lost my mum, and it was somewhat unexpected and a bit on the rapid side.

But even then, my mum had been diagnosed with cancer years before that and the treatment had been going well. But when she was first diagnosed, I accepted then that there is probably limited time for my mum.

Unfortunately, the last time I saw her was in 2008. I kept telling myself I should fly back to England to visit her and we were trying to fly her to the US to visit us. But then it all went south.

My sister messaged me to tell me what was going on. She was taking care of mum at her house. It was just the six of us at this point. We rushed to get our passports and book tickets. It was so expensive. And then one morning my wife poked her head in the door and told me I needed to check my phone. My sister had messaged me and my mum had passed away. I just put my phone back door and laid on my bed. Later that day I went outside and cut the grass and I don't really know why but it seemed important to mention.

I didn't know how to feel. I'd like to say I felt numb but I'm not sure I even felt that. I couldn't work out what was going on inside my head. My mum had died but I didn't cry for a good few days. And I think this is because my mum wasn't really an immediate part of my life anymore nor would she have been any time in the future. I was disappointed that I hadn't got to see her and that she hadn't got to meet her grandchildren, but I think I had already accepted the fact that she would eventually leave us.

For the prior years I had tried to call her every now and then. We'd talk on the phone and catch up. I had Skype set up so I could call her land line. She'd always pick up and call me Steven which I allowed because she was my mum. I cherish the phone calls that we had. And every time Skype loads I see her number on there and I just feel deep disappointment again.

That was a rough year. I feel like it affected my siblings more so than it did me. However, I think that's probably because they saw her more. I've thought about it so much and realize that I should have just bitten the bullet and gone over there to surprise her. But, you can't change the past.

Now I'm 36 and time just keeps ticking. Next year I'm going to be 58. Just kidding.

When the adopted kids mother and grandmother both passed away in late 2021, it really dug up some feelings for me. I watched as they struggled to comprehend everything. And it made me realize that everything that everyone tells you about dealing with death is bullshit.

The whole "five stages of grief" thing is unhelpful. No one tells you that it's five stages of grief that can occur in any order and repetitively.

For these kids, they had plans of one day reuniting with their biological mother. Those plans were ripped out from beneath them. On one hand they felt happy because we went to the funeral and they got to see many family members they hadn't seen for a while, on the other hand they felt deep sadness at the loss they were experiencing. It was hard for them to understand that we were celebrating their mother and grandmother. And the questions they had about the funeral were probably some of the hardest I've ever tried to understand or answer myself.

And all of this to say, there is no right way to feel. When someone you love passes away there are so many feelings you can feel. Yes you are going to feel sad. But also, if you were taking care of them and that was a lot of work, then you might feel some level of relief. And because you feel relief, you will feel guilty because you're not allowed to feel relief because you're supposed to be sad. And now you feel frustrated and overwhelmed.

Death is just a spaghetti meal of emotions.

And it's also very lonely. I didn't feel like I had anyone I could talk to when my mum died. I didn't feel like anyone understood how I felt.

Over the past year of really evolving as a parent I have realized one thing. There's a whole side to my mum that I never got to know. As children we look at our parents and think their existance began when we were born. That nothing occurred before that time. As parents, we realize our parents have lived two lives and now they're living their third. I wish that I could sit down and talk to my mum now that I'm who I am today and see what kind of relationship we would have. Unfortunately, I'll never get that chance.

And while my mum never got to meet her first four grandchildren, she did leave an imprint in their hearts. Every year she'd send them a birthday card and would go to the post office to get a fresh $20 US bill to put inside the card. I still have the last birthday card she sent me and I cherish it.

She really knew how to show someone she loved them. I hope that I can love like she did.

That's all I have.


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power outage
by toddheimbecker

last night we had  a power outage from  200m to 400am  


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I take ten times better pictures with my phone than I did when we had that fancy camera my MIL bought us 16 years ago.
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Forum Thread: Hi there!
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Hello! :)
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To all Americans:

Here it is: November is upon us. How did it come so fast? I always feel the year has been shockingly fast every time this month comes around. For instance, the end of this month marks 1 year of living in our “forever home”. I just can’t believe it!

I have a question for all/:

What are you most thankful for? Are there any Thanksgiving memories? Traditions?

For instance, in my family someone always makes “tortilla treats” that is always part of Thanksgiving meal. We make them for Christmas and New Years, too. Only this time of year for some reason!

-Jamie. ❤️
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NOJOMO Day 1 prompt is posted! Remember that you have the end of the day tomorrow, November 1, to sign up if you want to be eligible for a prize!
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LOL I like it!
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Did it fall off on account of flat earth? Asking for a friend.....
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Thank you for "exterminating" the issue ;)
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