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So Ali was standing there asking if she could come and sleep in my bed. I asked her if something had happened and she said no, she just didnt want to sleep on the couch and didnt want to sleep by herself. Of course like an idiot, I let her come in. She slipped under the covers and my heart started racing. In that moment I really questioned what the hell I was doing. I should have said no cause I needed to protect my heart, yet here I was just getting heart and my feelings all torn apart again.

Ali kept to her side of the bed for a few minutes and didnt say anything. I said nothing, I literally just wanted to sleep cause I had to get up at 5 and go into work so I needed as much sleep as I could get since I had quite a bit to drink that evening. But yea, that lasted no more than five minutes and already Ali had made her way over to my side of the bed and she wanted to cuddle. I caved so hard, I had no control, completely powerless to this girl. Im not gonna lie, it felt really good to have her wrapped up in my arms again. I feel asleep really fast and Im assuming she did the same.

I think I woke up a couple hours later and Ali was still wrapped up in my arms. I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back in, Ali had woken up. I crawled back under the sheets and Ali went in for the kill, she kissed me and that just sparked a whole lot of feelings and emotions. And well, one thing led to another and Ali and I had sex that night. I woke up the next morning and got ready for work. I woke Ali up and told her she should put some clothes on and go back out onto the couch, cause I know she wouldnt want her parents to find her in my room, naked, sleeping in my bed.

So I went to work and just got back to the grind and work really helped take my mind off of everything. P was at work as well so it was nice to talk to him and catch him up on everything. He said the same thing that everyone was thinking, why the fuck did I let her in my room and why the hell did I give in to sleeping with her.?? So P made me feel a little bad about the deal but that was okay, I deserved it, I should have never let her in my room. Anyway, I only had to work for a few hours and I hadnt heard anything from Ali so I went on back to the apartment.

I walked in and Ali was cleaning up the kitchen and her parents had left to go back home. I looked at her and said hey and she smiled real big and say hey!! I thought, ok, shes happy, somethings up. I asked how she felt and what her parents had said before they left. She was in a good mood and said her parents really enjoyed hanging out and getting to know me. Its always nice to hear those things and I enjoyed meeting her parents as well. So then Ali said hey, about last night....and I was like yea?? She said she didnt regret anything and that she had missed me but didnt realize how much she missed me. I told her I felt the same and it was nice to feel that feeling again with her. Then she blurted out, no hard feelings but we cant do that ever again okay???? be continued...

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So yea, it was awkward, it was unexpected and I hated the way it was going. I started to have a ton of regret for moving in with Ali. Once she started bringing guys home, it was the end of the line. I never felt comfortable seeing her walk in with some random guy. I wondered what the hell she was trying to prove? This went on for a few weeks and I finally caught her on a random night where she was by herself on the couch. I asked her if we could talk and of course, we shared a bottle of wine and chatted the whole evening.

I got a lot off my chest and Ali got nothing out of it. She was clearly not into me at all and could care less that I had any sort of lingering feelings for her. She had been out doing her own thing and I was sitting around every night clinging to an ounce of hope that I could rekindle the friendship into more than just being friends. And much as my heart hurt, I was glad we had the talk and I knew where I stood with her. The only problem was that in the coming days, I started to have really bad panic attacks/anxiety issues. I found myself feeling overwhelmed and dizzy most of the day.

I knew it was all stress related and I needed to take a break. I drove down to the beach that weekend and spent some time on my families boat. I literally just left it in the slip and just spent a couple days sitting, drinking and just thinking. I couldnt really clear my head, I have always lived my life that when I see something I want, I set my mind to it and I always work till I get what I want. Thats worked for me in my career and with relationships as well. Whenever I saw a girl I liked, whether I knew her or not, I made it a point to make her like me and honestly, I always won in the end. Sure the relationships didnt always last but I awlays got the girl. And in terms of my career, I continued to be successful and promoted in my industry, I just refused to accept failure or rejection.


After I got back from the beach Ali told me that her parents were coming into town and they were going to stay in our apartment. I had never met her parents and at this point I was so depressed that things werent working out that I didnt give a shit. Fast forward to the weekend and her parents showed up, they were actually pretty cool to hang out with. They insisted that I had dinner with them so I agreed. Her mom cooked a meal for us and we all sat around and drank tons of wine and honestly, it was a great time. We had a lot of laughs, it was a nice night and it got my mind off track a bit which was nice. So as the night was winding down Ali said she was going to sleep in the living room on the couch and her parents were going to sleep in her bed.


So I helped clean everything up and at this point it was close to midnight and we had all had plenty to drink. I showered and hopped into bed. I was dead asleep when I got woken up by a knock on my door. It wasnt a loud knock either, it was a soft one, so I knew it was Ali. I leaned over opened the door and sure as shit, it was Ali. And of course, she was only wearing an oversized sweatshirt, nothing else. I woke up real quick cause she was looking incredible in the dimmly lit hallway outside my bedroom. I was like whats going on?? She said to me, can I come and sleep in your bed with you?? be continued..

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Fake Fantasies
by Concrete Rose
I'm at work and all I can think about is Mark.

I mean, I've never stopped thinking about him. But in the last week, I literally cannot stop. And the more I think about him, the more upset I get. I cry all the fucking time.

I've been okay the last month, right? I wasn't crying every fucking day. I wasn't bawling my eyes out. I wasn't crying after every orgasm. I didn't have urges to call him or txt him or email him.

But ever since his fucking birthday, I have been a hot mess. His fucking birthday set me off.

On Monday I sent him a txt. I couldn't fucking help it. I was so upset and I missed him so fucking much. I didn't hear anything from him. I knew I wouldn't.

Yesterday during lunch, I spent almost the entire time writing an email and crying my eyes out. Last night I was going to finish it and send it, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Then I was going to send a short email and told myself not to do it, and I didn't.

But this morning? I couldn't help myself. I sent him an email, telling him I missed him. That was it. But I didn't send it from my hotmail account, in case he blocked me. Nope. I sent it from my gmail account, so he'd get it.

I'm fucking crazy, right?

In December 2015 I thought I had closure. I found out he was married and cheating. He admitted it to me over the phone. I heard him say it. I figured that was the end of it... of us. I always had a feeling he'd be back, but I knew if I never talked to him again, it didn't matter, because he was married. And I thought I moved on from him, even though I never stopped thinking about him while masturbating. I thought I was going to have a future with Tom, but that didn't happen, and I easily went back to thinking about Mark.

Fast forward to December 2020. I heard from him. It was sketchy, so I didn't give it much thought. There wasn't enough for me to get attached and get my hopes up.

June 2021. BOOM.

Do you know what I said to him June 1, within the first 10 minutes of talking to him again? "I've always enjoyed talking to you. It's fun."

It's always fucking fun until someone gets hurt. It's all fun and fucking games until someone gets hurt. I get hurt every single fucking time.

He told me he was a bad guy. He told me he tried to stay away. He told me he was weak for me. He told me he should be sorry.

I didn't listen to a fucking word he said. Because every time he comes back into my life, not only do I think it'll be different, I think I can handle it. If he hurts me again, I think I can handle it. But in the mean time, it's always fun, so I'll humor myself and play along until it kills me.

I can't lie to Mark, and he knows that. He knows I will go back to him every time. Not only can he not stay away from me, I don't make him. Neither one of us can let go.

But I am worried that this time he is finally letting go. The one time I am trying to hold on to him, he is letting go of me.

He knows I am weak for him, too. He knows he is my fucking drug. He doesn't want me to stop using. But he doesn't care when I have to quit cold turkey. He doesn't care that I go into withdrawal.

I remember telling him that I can be miserable and put on a fake face and no one knows a fucking thing is wrong with me. I wish I had been fake with Mark.

It's FINE that you're still married. It's FINE that you're having second thoughts. It's FINE that you forget your phone at restaurants and stores. It's FINE if you leave it in your car. It's FINE if you give it to your wife for the night. It's FINE if you don't txt me back for 12 hours.

If I just pretended that everything was fucking FINE, we'd still be talking.

But I had to be honest with him, didn't I? I had to tell him he was a fucking idiot if he stayed married and wanted to be unhappy the rest of his life. I had to tell him that it wasn't ok to ignore me for hours. I had to tell him that he shouldn't let his wife have his fucking phone and to get a new number.

He told me to never stop telling him how I felt. It didn't fucking matter, did it?

I don't know when I can move on from this. From him. From us. From whatever the fuck we were.

How do I go out on a date with a guy, and sit across from him at dinner, and not think about Mark? How do I fuck some guy, and not think about Mark?

I compared Tom to Mark. I compared Mark to Tom. And in the mix there was also Nick. I compared them all to each other. But Nick never broke my fucking heart, and at this point, he's out of the equation. Tom broke my fucking heart, and I don't want him back. Tom could show up at my door and I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

But you Mark? Break my heart over and over and over. Break it into a million fucking pieces. I will never tell you to leave me alone. Show up at my door and in 1 minute you'd be inside me.

I guess with the next guy that comes into my life, I will fucking fake it. I'll be FINE. There will be nothing wrong with me. He won't see me shed a fucking tear. Maybe he won't fucking leave me. Maybe he won't break my fucking heart.

Mark and I have always been in our little fantasy world. We talk dirty. We describe how we would fuck each other. For the last 15 years I've thought about Mark and everything I'd let him do to me. I can't tell you how many orgasms I've had thinking about Mark. Just the other day I had 6. When was the last time his fucking wife had 6 orgasms thinking about him? Or when was the last time he gave her 6 orgasms?

But it's only a fucking fantasy, right? He goes back to his real world and I go back to mine. He's always gone back to his girlfriend or his wife. The problem is, is that I have always pictured him in my real world. I picture him in my bed, cuddled up next to me as we fall asleep. I picture us eating meals together. I picture us in the car together. I picture us walking the dog. I picture us on vacation.

I don't know why Mark keeps coming back to me. I asked him and he said I was easy to talk to. But I can't remember if that's all he told me and I honestly don't know if that's the whole truth. I don't know if I'm "giving" him what he can't have in real life... the sexual fantasies. Because he can picture it with me and get off on it. He's not doing those things with his wife.

But his marriage has sucked for the last 5-7 years. It's not like he was talking to me that entire time. He didn't reach out to me again until just recently. I know that he has a problem, but again, I'm not telling him no. I don't tell him he has a problem, because I enjoy it too. I get off on it, too. Because it's a fantasy for me, because I'm not getting it in real life either.

That's why I thought it was different this time. He was talking about divorce. He was talking about visiting me. I feel like every time it was brought up, he mentioned it first. I heard him fucking say he wanted to visit. Not since San Diego has he mentioned visiting me and bringing it up first. It was different.

I was a fucking fool for believing him. But again... I WANT him to talk to me again.

I know that I have a fucking problem, too. I'm not putting all the blame on Mark, but I'm also not putting all the blame on myself. There is a lot going on inside my head that I've never dealt with. There is a lot of hurt I've never dealt with. I know I didn't treat Mark the greatest. I gave him a lot of shit for things that had nothing to do with him.

But I thought if I explained things, he would understand and it would make things better. But it didn't matter, because he didn't realize he was doing those things until I pointed them out. And I kept pointing them out, thinking it would make things better and it made things worse.

It got so fucking hard and we were in this fucking cycle that we couldn't get out of. I always talk about couples that are both in treatment and they are toxic for each other. I feel like Mark and I are toxic for each other.

I remember back in June, looking up the Mercury Retrograde. Mine said something along the lines of someone coming back into my life, and it ending the way it did in the past. I immediately thought of Mark. Things ended badly between us the last time. I knew we were fucked, but I didn't want to believe it.

Because things were fucking different this time, RIGHT!?

Even typing this I feel like a fucking crazy person. If you could hear me say this, you'd think I was fucking crazy.

Either crazy or just fucking hurt and heart broken. STILL.

I know I'm fucking depressed and I'm sure I need help, but I don't need a fucking professional to tell me that. I don't want pills MAKING me happy. I don't need someone to tell me to delete every txt message, to block his phone number, or for me to get a new phone number and email so he can never contact me again.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THAT! I want Mark to always be able to get in touch with me. And no one will ever be able to understand that. Mark his this hold over me and I don't know why and I don't know how to get over it.

I know I'm a fucking idiot. I know I'm stupid for always letting him be the one in control, because he is. He's always the one that leaves, and he's always the one that comes back. I didn't tell him that specifically, but I did tell him we only talk when it's convenient for him. I told him it wouldn't matter anyways, that even if I had sent a txt when I first woke up, he still wouldn't see it for another 3 hours. I told him we never talked until he txted me first. I told him that we talk on the phone, but only when it worked for him, and he always had to get back to work or run a fucking errand. He said that it was true. That that is how things did work between us.

I constantly wonder why God had him come back into my life, and only for 41 fucking days. But I also think, why did God HAVE him come back into my life. Does that even make sense? Like why did God have Mark txt me? What was the reason for me being back in his life? I always think why was he back in mine, right? But what purpose did I serve being back in his?

Did I make him realize I'm fucking crazy and he's better off staying married? Or did I make him realize he's fucking stupid for staying married and being unhappy? Did I make him realize he wants a fucking divorce, but he wants nothing to do with me?

I don't know. And it kills me.

I don't hate Mark. I honestly want what's best for him. I still want him to be happy. How big of a heart does someone have to have to still want the best for someone who has fucking ruined them?

I wonder if he still thinks of me. Does he still think of me when he masturbates? Does he still think of me in general? Like watching tv together, or coming to visit, or going to concerts?

Does he remember me telling him not to disappear again? Does he think he can't talk to me ever again because he knows he hurt me? I don't want that. I don't want him to think that he hurt me so bad that I wouldn't want to talk to him again.

I know for a fact, that if he ever called me or txted me again, that I would cry. I would cry from relief. I would cry from happiness. I know I would cry from being upset with how he treated me. But I know I wouldn't ignore him.

I am so fucking miserable. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. The only person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me. The person that has me hurting and crying is the only person I want to talk to.

I can't keep faking it.

MARK... Are you reading this? Please come back...
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by Concrete Rose
I haven't written in over a month. Nothing has changed. Mark still hasn't talked to me. It's been 71 fucking days. Over 2 months.

What's ironic is that the Dixie fire started burning 2 days after we last talked, and it's still burning. It's still raging, just like my heart.

I was ok for a while. I still think about Mark every day. I don't know when I won't. But I wasn't crying every day.

These last few days? I've been a fucking mess.

Mark's birthday was last Thursday. I wanted to send him a txt so bad. Or a fucking email. But I didn't. Why would it matter? At the time he had 67 days to reach out to me and never did.

Does he remember what I said to him back in June? Come visit for your birthday in September... I guess at the time I still assumed we would still be talking 3 months later. I didn't think WEEKS later we'd be over. Ha.

I still think back to that day. July 11. If it hadn't been raining and I had been in my pool... If I had answered when he called. If his calls had gone through. If my calls had gone through. If I hadn't sent that fucking txt.... IF IF IF

Every day I wonder what he's doing. If he's happy. If he's still working all the time. If he still wants a divorce.

But the question is... Is he still thinking about me?

He made me an addict and he knows this. He knows that when he disappears I have to quit cold turkey. He knows that every time he comes back I relapse. He knows that every time I use more and more and more.

I am fucking miserable.
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Book Nerd!
by valencia
My boyfriend is the best, we are both book nerds and so the day before I left he shared his user name and password to his kindle account. Best fucking gift I have ever received. Now I get to read so many books thanks to my amazing boyfriend.

That is all I wanted to!
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So naturally my response to Ali was I needed some time to think about it. She understood that and honestly, thats not what I thought she was going to say to me. I was really shocked thats what she had stopped by to talk to me about. So initally I thought no way in hell will this ever work. Then there was the other half of me that thought, well, if we live together than maybe we can start working on a relationship or at least see if the feelings are still there. See, the problem I have always had in my life is that when it comes to relationships I remain very optomistic and I always hold out hope that things will work out for the best.

Holding onto so much hope has really been a crippling part of my life cause usually I hold on too long and never want to let go and then when things dont work out, its a hard crash that really rips my emotions apart. So, a couple days go by and Ali shows up at the apartment again and basically dragged me out to look at apartments with her. I really didnt want to go, I still wanted to let things soak in a bit and talk to her so more to see what her motives were. I went with her that afternoon and honestly, once we got in her car and started driving, it felt like old times again. The convo flowed, we laughed the entire time, she kept giving me that side eye and stare, the one that always got my heart strings.

Here we go, I was starting to get all sorts of feels again for Ali during our several hours spent together that afternoon. Well, I caved, I told her I would do it and move into an apartment with her. Seperate bedrooms of course but we had already lived together and knew what to expect. Plus, I keep a clean house and Ali was the same, so I didnt have to worry about anything crazy going on. It took a few weeks, but we finally found a 2 bedroom apartment that was close to both of our places of work and it was very nice, price was right and we signed on the dotted line. Sounds like a couple moving into their first place together right? Well, it was awkward to be honest. The first few weeks in the apartment we struggled.

Both of us had the thought that just as friends, we would pick up where we left off, but the truth was, now that we were living together and made the decision, things were different. We pushed hard the first couple weeks to make things work and get back to the way things were. Mind you, we were just trying to reestablish the friendship, nothing more was spoke of or mentioned, we just wanted to have those late night talks and things be chill. But you know, once you cross that line and feelings start getting involved, its hard to hold back and it always changes the dynamic. So for the first couple weeks, it was a struggle, then the following weeks were met with silence and not spending nights in the apartment. I was starting to quickly regret this.... be continued..

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So there was Ali, standing in the parking lot, looking all sweet and innocent holding a case of beer. What can I say, my heart melted, I hadnt seen her or heard from her in months and there she was, wanting to talk. I invited Ali in we sat out on the porch with my buddy C and we got caught up a bit. Then Ali asked C if just her and I could talk. C got up and left the room and I appreciated him letting us chat a bit, he knew the whole story, he knew what I went through with her.

So Ali didnt have much of an excuse for not contacting me at all over the last few months. She didnt really seem to care what it did to me or how it made me feel. I told Ali everything, I told her how it pissed me off and I didnt think it was right or anything like that. She finally admitted that she got way too involved emotionally while B and I were hanging out with each other all summer. I basically asked if she was jealous and she never admitted to it but I knew thats what it was. Ali finally blurted out she needed some time away to just gather her thoughts and figure out where she was in life and where she was going.

I respect that, but dont leave someone who was as close as I was to her, hanging with zero contact. Id rather take the hit to my feelings that you want time away from me then just get completely ghosted and wonder if youre even alive.? Anyway, we talked and got back to the way things were and just catching up. I had too much history with Ali to just kick her to the curb, I wanted us to get back to being friends and hanging out like we use to. I knew we could get back to that place with some time, we just didnt miss a beat around each other. The real question I had to ask myself though was whether or not I wanted to get back to being her friend or if I wanted to get back to trying to be more than her friend?

Towards the end of the conversation Ali finally came out and said that she had something really important to ask me. She seemed a bit more nervous after she made that statement and Im not gonna lie, it made my heart race a bit. A million thoughts raced through my head and again, I started to hope for the best. I needed to stay calm but I remember my heart racing and her saying "I would like to have a roommate again, do you want to rent an apartment together?" be continued..

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I'm wearing the fuck down.  I'm angry.  I'm emotional.  I'm tired.  Oh did I mention I'm fucking angry and tired!??!?!  My knees hurt constantly and my hips hurts quite a bit too. I gain weight I lose weight.  I'm okay and then I'm not.  It's like it hits me like a fucking truck and is driving me god damn INSANE.  Not only that but Charity got covid, she's fine of course.  Her quarantine date was up on August 30th, but my 2 boys got stuck in quarantine til Sept. 13th.  Something about the exposure date.  So with them home fighting all the time....and having no break....I'm losing my shit.  David started working I guess so he could get a place of his own, which is good if that's what he's really doing.  But shit if he's not working, I'd like him to get Waylon for a weekend....cause I just need a break.  I need a god damn break.  From life.  If I had the money and someone to watch my kids I'd just take off for a week.  I don't give a fuck where....just somewhere that's not here.  Honestly, I'd go see Jacob.  we've been talking almost a year now.  Sweetest man in the world.  Hands down.  Not sure why he keeps talking to me.  I'm fucking batshit crazy.  Have 4 kids by 3 dads.  Going through a divorce.  I have no money.  I have no car.  Im not sexy.  I've done nothing but gain weight....then lost 30 pounds, then had all my teeth pulled and I gained 10 pounds....and then lost 6.  So of course I cant fucking STAND THE FUCKING WAY I LOOK.  Too depressed to do shit about it.  I'm stuck in a house with my kids and my parents.  I literally have nothing to offer him.  I love him tho.  He's been there for me through so much shit.  And he's always the one to calm me down.  Seriously, I'd just go disappear with him for a while.  

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entry 18
by eyeore's twin

Breakups friends and boundariesFor most of this summer I've been trying to write an entry and haven't finished one yet so brenda and I broke up I had been looking for a way for a way to do it then I was like yep your right your right so then she got mad and she started blowing up my phone all weekend and if I didn't answer she'd start texting me about not answering her and it just became to much today she said she wasn't going to church and then she showed up I was glad she made it. We did communion and her and I usually pray together before taking communion and God told me to still go pray with her and i'm glad I did

We have a couple new roommates and they are awesome. Ever since Bren moved out theres so much more harmony in the house.

My hotel for my new york trip got shut down because of COVID so then things went crazy and now i'm staying with a friend of the family and I'm excited because that will give me a chance to spend more time with her plus I'm in the neighborhood that my stepdad lives in and only a few subway stops from my step moms house

So an ex has come back into my life and I think this might be a God thing but either way we're trying to work on being friends again before seeing where anything else happens Credit: Sx3.Layouts

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Ali really pissed me off when she said that we should have never slept together. No one was forced into having sex, but I guess we all have those moments we regret. I will preface this by saying I think Ali was just pissed we slept together cause her feelings for me were growing more and more. I was indifferent, trying to piece everything together in my head and figure out where I was in my own head space. You know, my heart was kinda numb to the whole deal. While I was glad that Ali and I had broken the sexual tension that existed I was still unsure what I was doing or what it was I was looking for.

Suddenly B wasnt an issue anymore and thats when I knew what was happening or had been happening. Deep down, I really wanted to be with Ali. Ali was the girl that I had spent so many late nights with, shared my deepest and darkest secrets with....she was the one I wanted to spend time with. I didnt lead on to Ali that I was really into her and wanted to spend more time with her as more than just friends. I honestly was still processing everything and checking myself to make sure I was doing the right thing.

Anyway, the next few days were fine between Ali and I, everything went back to the way it was. We got back to the way things were, spending late nights sipping on some wine, sharing stories of life, etc. So, Im gonna fast forward a bit, like about a month. At this point winter was around the corner and Ali was going to move out of the apartment and get out on her own. Mind you, nothing had really changed after Ali and I slept together, we still flirted and kept it light and fun, we just didnt get physically close anymore...and a part of me missed that.

So the day finally came when Ali had to move out. Im not gonna lie, I was really sad about not being able to see her. I realized that night how much Ali meant to me. I wrote a note to her but cant remember the specifics, just thanking her for being so open and friendly and I really enjoyed her company. I left it on her bathroom sink the next morning as I slipped out for work. I honestly dont think she was even home. I had offered to help her move her things when I got off work but she never said she would need my help. I didnt hear a thing from Ali but I kinda expected that she would be busy with packing things up and moving boxes all day. So I got home from work and it was dead quiet in the apartment.

I walked back to Ali's room to check in and it was completely empty, she had moved everything out, it was all gone. I was kinda shocked like how in the hell did she move all her furniture and everything out in such a quick time. Thats about the time the heartbreak started to sink in that she was gone and I would have to figure out how to stay in touch. Over the next several days, I sent a few messages to Ali asking how things were and how she was but she just ghosted me, I never heard a word from her.

I knew which apartment complex she moved into but I didnt know which building but I wasnt gonna stalk her, if she didnt wanna talk, fine, I have to accept it. I was still shocked though that not once she said anything to me, no goodbye, no text message saying she was okay, nothing. I just let it be for the next few months but Im not gonna lie, I really missed her and hoped she was okay. I seriously didnt hear anything from her for a couple months and I just kept busy at work and it helped to take my mind off of her and just move on with my life. I should mention too that Ali moved about 30 minutes from me so it wasnt like I could just drive down the road and see her.

So, after about 3 months I was sitting on my patio at the apartment and I notice this tiny little thing walking across the parking lot, it was Ali. I did a double take and yelled "Ali??" She stopped walking, held up a 12 pack of beer and asked "will you talk with me?" be continued...

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I left B's place that morning knowing it was definitly over and I wasnt happy with that. Despite getting everything off our chests, it was still a pain to think about not holding her in my arms again. I mean, I knew we were doing the right thing, I just got use to seeing her around everyday. I think thats what hurt the most, not seeing someone everyday and having that comfort of them being around. I really screwed up but there was no going back at this point, I just had to deal with it.

The next few days were interesting because I knew Ali was happy that I had split with B, which made it obvious to me that Ali was jealous of B and I's relationship the whole time. I honestly tried to keep my distance from Ali but she was always home when I was home and it was hard to avoid each other, we all had the same friends who all hung out together at the same time. So, one night I just decided that I would ask Ali if she wanted to go to dinner with me and she said yea she would. We got all dressed up and hit up the local steak joint, food was delicious and the convo was great as always.

We got back to the apartment and we had one last drink for the night. At the end of the night, Ali wanted to give me a hug and when she leaned in, I kissed her, I planted one right on her lips and she accepted it. You know after you have that first long kiss with someone and you pull away, you both have the biggest smiles on your faces?? Yeah, thats exactly what it was. I had a bit of liquid persuasion but honestly, after we shared that memorable kiss, I felt this huge weight off my shoulders. Then I started to wonder if it was Ali that I was after all this time.?

Anyway, one thing led to another.....Ali and I slept together that night and it was amazing.....I woke up and went to work the next morning. Ali was gone, she must have slipped out and went to her room. I just kinda let it sink in throughout the morning and let all my thoughts process. Usually Ali would text me in the mornings and then random throughout the day but I heard nothing from her that day. I honestly was still trying to process the whole deal and I started wondering where my heart was at. I got home after work and Ali wasnt there. So I went up to the pool with P and we talked it all out. I told him the whole deal and he was like man, yall always seemed like a couple so it only made sense.

At that point I started to wonder how obvious it was and P told me straight up that everyone always thought Ali and I were messing around. I was taken a back a bit but I was like why are people saying that? P said dude, you guys have amazing chemistry when you are around each other, people could see the electricty between you two, but no one wanted to out right say anything! Look, I always knew Ali and I had great chemistry but I didnt realize that people saw it more intensely than I did. It started to dawn on me that I didnt know what the hell I was doing anymore. Did I even have any feelings at this point or was I numb to everything??

I got back from the pool that night and Ali was home, she came up to me and asked me about last night. I just said, yea that happened, and she replied well it shouldnt have!! I was like, oooookkkkkk, what are you talking about? Ali said it just shouldnt have happened and to just forget everything... be continued..

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Hi everyone!!
I decided to opened this diary so you and I can used to the CSS codes. So if you like any of my css codes. This diary is not a layout diary, it is only Css the code will be at the center of the entry (Please Credit Me). For example:
Color Lover
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Hey, just checking in. I'm alive. Things are going well. Ontario is in the middle of a heatwave so going outside is simply awful. It's already 30 degrees here and it's only 9am. Sooooo yeah. Today is an inside day. Yep yep. No hives for this woman. No thank you.


Today's weather is a NOPE day. LOL

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So after I broke the news to B she quietly turned and walked away. I stood there on the sidewalk just feeling like a total loser. It just came out, my mind told me to end things but my heart didnt wanna ever let go. Worse part is I could hear B start to cry as she walked away and then just ended me right then and there. I really felt bad but I didnt want to chase her, apologize or talk about it and make things worse. I just wanted a clean cut but I didnt think it was going to hurt so much.

I went back into the aparment and of course, there was Ali sitting on the couch with a glass of wine. I sat down on the couch and she knew right away something was wrong. I told Ali everything and I was choking back my tears the whole time. Ali was super supportive and listened to me pour my heart out. It was obvious I made an impulse decision. I just jumped ship before the seas got rough. Anyway, I went to bed early that night and didnt sleep much. I heard Ali leave the apartment in the evening and I finally felt like I could just relax a bit. I feel asleep real fast and then around 3am I heard the door slam and I knew Ali was home.

Ali came into my room, I asked her what she was doing and she just asked if I was okay.? I told her yea, I just needed some sleep and a little time to let things sink in. She said she was glad to hear that and she left my room. The next few days were pure hell, I had this weight on my shoulders for days. I felt so horrible for dropping B, I should have never done it and I wish I wouldnt have let Ali get in my damn head. I finally reached out to B after 3 days and told her I really wanted to see her and just talk through some things. She agreed and invited me to spend the night at her apartment, yea, she said just plan on spending the night.

I stayed level headed though cause I knew there was no way I was just going to jump back into her life. Things are never that easy. So that night I told Ali I was going to see B and Ali got a little upset at me about the whole deal and I was like, what the hell is your problem?? Ali just turned and walked away so I was like, WTF is your problem right now? I shook it off and drove over to see B. So I knocked on B's door and she greeted me with a big smile and a hug and I thought ok, maybe this wont be so bad.?

There really wasnt anything awkward at all, I helped her hang a few pictures that she had bought and we had a glass of wine. I vented, she vented and we cleared the air. After all that, B and I decided that yea, maybe we were just better off being friends right now. She was going through some personal stuff and I was super busy with work. It just wasnt the right time. We mutually agreed to part ways but the pain was still real. I was pretty sad about the whole deal. Did I still spend the night?? Yep, I sure did....except I slept on the couch in the living room and I left early the next morning before B got up...

..I never saw B again after that night.. be continued..

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Financial Update
by charity.funds
Still processing everything I know I have been MIA for almost a year, but the passing of my father, sister, and family member have hit so...hard that I wasn't able to clear up a fogged in my brain, and I just need sometime to grieve because I haven't completely grieve to be in a place to say okay. Yesterday, I check bloop and my frontpage was gone I was like "WHAT!?" So I quickly try to recreate how it was looking before it disappeared. I hope I wasn't the only one that their front page was gone. Also, I want to join a fitness virtual challenge, but I need to budget for it. I am weighing my options and I have add it to my little section called Budget for it. Do you guys think it is a good idea? Financial Update: Well, I suck have saving and my bank account is gone. I have try the cash envelope system and that is a failure for me. At first, I was okay with it and now I am thinking, "This is not working for me." What is working for me is me hiding all my credit cards and forgetting that I have them. Also, deleting my credit cards from PayPal, PayPal make it easy to pay for things. So, I had to used my amazon chase card for emergency reason, but I will pay back when I get my next paycheck. I am starting to feel overwhelm and I need to find another job. I can't seem to find one that will fit my schedule, the only time I can work the weekends, some morning for 6 am - 11 am and late night like midnight - 2 am, but some days I have to take my uncle to his doctor appointments (this is my main job). If I take a regulars job I would be afraid of being fired from it for taking time off a lot to take care of my uncle. I need to figure out what type of jobs can fit my schedule because right now I need another paycheck to help me budget and save for my student loan. Also, if your thinking what about your Esty shop? I am not ready to reopen or prepare for a reopening on my shop. I just think to get things ready for it first. Here is an update on what subscription and credit card that I have (so far).
  • IPSY
  • Boxycharm
  • Scentbird (3 month skip)
  • Disney+
  • Twitch
  • Patreon
  • Chegg (will cancel after I finish my current class)
  • Current Credit Card Balances
  • Piercing Pagoda: $349.15
  • Kay Jewelers: $308.06 CLOSED
  • Amazon Chase: $465.22
  • Amazon Store Card: $355.09 CLOSED
  • Credit one: $676.57
  • JC Penny Card: $1,738.44
  • Macy Card: $697.84

  • Fundraiser Goal Pay off Credit Cards Debt
    Save for student loans
    Budget for it: Daily
    • Pet food - $40.00

    Budget for it
    • The Conqueror app - $29.95 each challenges
    • The Pacer app - $29.99 each challenges
    • Walmart + - $12.95
    • Costco membership renewal

    • SAVE!! money
    • SAVE!! For student loan
    • Pay off credit cards debts
    Wants (Rewards)
    • Books (no spend for 4 months)
    • Zac Posen Delta Airlines Passport Plum Handbag (ALL credit cards paid off)
    • COACH Rowan Satchel Handbag (ALL debt must be paid off & do all the needs)

    Reality LifeThese are my website.

    Tears You Cry (fanlisting) Color Fade (????)
    My Bloop Diaries masquerade (personal) Colorlover (css code) Penpal Coming soon/ Hitaus Tutorial (will be Html) Test Diary(soon:Layout diary??) scavenger.hunts (coming back soon!) Come and join @ scavenger.hunts Credit Color Lover Project Service
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    B came back from vacation happy to see me and I was happy to see her. We got back into a routine but at this point, summer was just about over and you could sense that everyone had that sad feeling in the pit of their stomach about summer coming to an end and for a lot of my friends at the time, that meant going back to classes and working a part time schedule. So, as a group, we decided we would take a beach trip and have one last farewell to the summer. As luck would have it, our good friend J had a beach house down on the coast and his family was cool with us staying in it for a few days.


    So here we are, at the beach, having a blast and things couldnt have been better. On the second night though we were all in the house playing card games and enjoying some beverages but B had disappeared. I went out back on the patio and there she was, just sitting on the dock all by herself staring out into the channel. So I walked down quietly and as I got closer I could hear her crying. I sat down next to her and didnt say anything, she just slumped over onto my shoulder and balled her eyes out. After a good cry session she just apologized and said that she has some things that she needs to work on to get her life to a place that she was happy with. Immediately I was taken back to all the things that Ali had planted in my brain and I thought, well, here we go, maybe Ali was right about all this and it was just a matter of time before all this came to light.


    B and I sat down on the dock but didnt say much, I let her get it all out. I just told her that I would always be there for her and honestly, sometimes we all need to just get shit off our chest and I let her do that. It was a rough night, its playing out exactly like Ali had said it would. Then I started to wonder if Ali had been talking shit about me behind my back to B just to get us to break up.? A lot of thoughts consumed my mind those days prior to the beach trip. I became my own worst enemy with the thoughts I carried around with me everyday. B was busy with work, I was busy, a lot of our friends were back in class for the semester, things started to fall apart a bit.


    I finally caved one night, B was over and I just started to feel this insane distance between us and I couldnt figure out why it was like this. We hung out the entire evening and it was quiet between us but not really awkward. When I walked her outside that night, I did the most dick move you could ever do and blindsided her by telling her I didnt think we should see each other anymore. She never saw it coming, I never thought I would just blurt it out either. I was shaking after I said it and that should have been a sign I was doing the wrong thing at that moment in time...

  be continued..




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    No Changes
    by Concrete Rose
    I don't know why I'm bothering to write. It's now been over 5 weeks since I've heard from Mark. Over a month ago. Nothing has changed.

    I still fucking miss him. I still hope he'll txt me, call me. Anything. I think I'll go a whole day without crying, and then the smallest thing can set me off. I've forgotten what his ring tone sounded like, and then yesterday it popped into my head and I started to cry. It seems like every fucking book I read or show I watch, there is a person or character with his name. The other day I looked at the clock and it said 9:16. His birthday. Today I was eating some muffins and saw the expiration date. Sept 16. His birthday. Every fucking thing is a reminder.

    I still don't give a shit about anyone or anything. I still don't look at my phone. I still feel like nothing fucking matters.

    I read news articles every day, and I see how covid #'s are going back up where he lives. The wildfires out in CA. We never really discussed covid. The only time we did is when I mentioned working from home for a bit and how he was still working from home here and there. But I have no idea if he ever got it, or got the vaccine, or if he was still wearing a mask everywhere (except now they are, so it wouldn't have mattered). I never got to tell him that we got the haze/smoke from the wildfires. I might finally be getting my front porch soon, and I can't tell him that. This week I took a week off from work. I remember the last time I took a week off, back in June. That's the week we had that serious conversation.

    Last Wednesday I had to go to a career fair in Olean. I was supposed to be there for 5 hours, but knew I'd leave after 4. I also knew I'd be bored, so I messaged Nick to see if he wanted to come see me. He did. I knew YEARS ago, and even most recently, that I would never want anything to do with him, relationship-wise, ever again. I mean, we never had a relationship to begin with, but I also knew I never would want to. And seeing him on Wednesday confirmed that.

    First, he's now missing a front tooth. What is it with people, especially guys, that they don't care if they have missing teeth? Does Mark have all of his teeth? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that he takes care of himself.

    Also, Nick really hasn't changed in the last 15 years. He still dresses like a 20 year old. He still says stupid shit. I've realized that certain things can only be said by certain people. But when other people say them, they just make themselves sound like an idiot. I don't know how many times I rolled my eyes at shit he said. I believe he's still living with his Mom. He doesn't work. He's supposedly his own boss, and makes his own hours, and makes more than people that do work. But I know for a fucking fact he's not working.

    He's been in trouble with the law, went to rehab, lost his license. I understand that a lot of people are in his shoes with this, but it's like he doesn't care. He's in recovery, but not taking it seriously, besides not drinking. He said he lost his license for 5 years, but can pay $500 in 2 years to get it back, and he says he doesn't want to. It's like, don't you want to drive again, don't you want to not have to rely on others? I don't get it.

    He said his brother and his wife bought a house. He said they were stupid because it needs a lot of work. I was able to find what house he was talking about on Zillow. Does it need work? Sure. Does it need A LOT of work? Depends what you want to change or fix. But for the price they paid and considering that they both work, they will be fine. Let people do what they want.

    I honestly wonder if Nick is just jealous. I had no problem "bragging" about my house and other accomplishments to him. I honestly didn't care. At one point he mentioned the reason why he divorced his wife years ago. Supposedly they were living in her grandma's house and he thought they were paying the mortgage to some day own it. Apparently they were just making a rent payment.

    That's his reason for getting a divorce. I honestly don't believe a fucking word he says. He said he caught her fucking a guy once, but didn't leave her at that time. I guess he forgot 15 years ago he wasn't any better. He was dating a girl and cheating on her with me. I wanted to point this out, but didn't.

    The ONLY thing Nick said that made any fucking sense, was that he said the day he got a divorce was the happiest day of his life.

    The entire time Nick was there, which was about an hour, all I could think about was Mark. And when Nick said this, all I could think was, "See, Mark, see!? That's what I was trying to tell you! That you CAN be happy after getting a divorce!"

    When Nick finally left, he told me to message him later. I asked why, and he seemed surprised that I would even say that. I said to him, "Why don't you message me?" He said he would, but it's now been almost a week and I haven't heard from him. I honestly could care less, because I really don't want to talk to him. I wasn't looking for closure with him, or a reason to never get involved with him, but I got it. I mean, I always KNEW I didn't want him, but seeing how nothing has changed in 15 years, has confirmed everything.

    But again, another guy making a "promise" he can't keep. He said he'd message me, and I never heard from him.

    After him telling me to message him, got me thinking though. How many times did I tell Mark to message me or call me? And I kept saying for him to do it because he wanted to, not because I was telling him to. And he did... until he didn't. Yet it annoyed me when Nick demanded that me from. So I'm not any better, right? I demanded it from Mark, but as soon as someone demanded it from me, I shut them down.

    But everything was different with Mark, right? Because if HE had demanded it, I wouldn't done it in the snap of my fingers.

    I also know for a fact, that if Mark and I had still been talking, I would've never asked Nick to come see me. I would've had Mark to occupy me. And if I had asked Nick to come see me, every time Mark sent me a txt, I would've focused on that only. But when Mark and I were talking, no one else mattered. The entire time Mark and I talked, not once did I want to talk to Nick, or any other guy, or any other person in general.

    Things happen for a reason... So by having Mark stop talking to me, let me get the closure (that I wasn't looking for or needing) with Nick. I wanted closure from Tom and never got it. I DON'T want closure from Mark, because I don't want there to be an end to us, but I do want closure, if it means he's changed his mind.

    I don't get life. I fucking don't.
    2 likes, 0 comments
    Evil Brain Weasels...
    by DulceLionessa

    So, really not okay right now.

    I am distancing again...but then again it doesn't feel like I am missed anyways. 

    I can't concentrate on the job search, I am hurting and frustrated, and my brain is telling me it will never change. Same old patterns, that I can't seem to break away from.

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    So its been awhile since I have been able to sit down and catch up on my story, not to mention how much more I have to add as I get caught up on whats happening in the here and now.


    Last I left off, Ali had set me up as if she had cut her finger and then when I went to take a look at it, she said no, look closer. So I leaned in, seeing as Im 6'3 and shes 5'1, and I grabbed her hand and as I leaned in she looked up and planted a kiss right on my lips. And we just kinda sat there for what felt like minutes but in reality was probably only a quick second. But the kiss had meaning behind it, I could feel it. Was it sparks? I dont think so, honestly I was so consumed with B that I didnt even really process what had just happened.


    So I looked at her finger and there was nothing wrong with it, she was like, yea, I wanted to kiss you so I set you up. I was like well that was kinda fucked up because you know damn well where I stand with B and we spend all our time together. So now I started to become a little more confused as to where Ali was trying to go with all this. I walked out of the kitchen and she went back to doing whatever it was that she was doing in the first place.


    The rest of the evening was fine, we went about things as usual, it wasnt any different really, it was just like any other night except for the fact that Ali and I had actually kissed. You know, I never said anything to B, I never said anything to Ali, it just happened and it was done, I was over it and I wanted to focus on B. With that said, things did change over the next few weeks and it made me really confused as to what I should believe and what I shouldnt.


    I should note again that B and Ali went way back to middle school days, so they knew each other really well. With that said, after a few weeks of just running the normal routine, B was going on vacation with her family for a few days. Deep down I could tell that Ali was a little excited about this and looking back on it, it was probably because it meant she got to spend more time with me. Anywho, B goes on vacation and literally the first night shes gone, Ali makes me dinner and we just hung out in the apartment that night but it was obvious something was up.


    I should have called Ali out on it and asked her what was going on but any idiot could see she was obviously jealous of the relationship B and I had. Ali could have gone out to any bar and hit on any guy but instead she decided that she wanted me and was going to stop at nothing to win me over. So after a nice dinner and a few bottles of wine, we sat on the porch like we typically did most nights and just talked things out. But this time Ali was really pushing onto me the fact that I didnt know B as well as she did and for that reason, I should watch out. Ali started telling me about B's past relationships and how she would sabotage them or do hurtful things to push people away.


    Honestly, I didnt care, I was just living it day by day and not once did B and I ever talk about past relationships or anything like that. B and I were fine, we had no issues, I enjoyed her company and getting to know her, thats all I cared about. Plus, Im not one to judge based on past relationships, we all learn and grow from each person we meet or get close to so I really didnt care. But Ali kept feeding me these stories and for whatever dumb reason, I chose to believe Ali and all the hurtful things she was telling me about how B will just ruin everything so I should get out while I can. After that night, things were never the same...

  be continued..




    0 likes, 0 comments
    Brain Pain
    by AnonyCat

    I have finally gotten the neuropsych testing that should have been done a very long time ago.  Just another step in the process.. 

    0 likes, 0 comments
    by Isolde

    I may as well write in here again. I mean, why not? 

    I try to be proud of myself. I'm in a master's program and am doing well. I'm trying to finally get my life together. Then I see where my peers are and I'm realizing I'm stuck. I can't find another job that actually pays a living wage and I'm not completely miserable. I've interviewed over and over and it's not working out. There's a lot that I don't think I will ever achieve and not for lack of trying. My life should've started years ago along with everyone else I know and I'm still clawing to get there while remaining where I am. I hate that I dread the simple and genuine questions, "How are you? What have you been up to? Where do you live?", because I can't answer them with confidence. Oh well. This is certainly a "me" problem. Off to send out my resume to more places.

    0 likes, 1 comment
    4 weeks
    by Concrete Rose
    It's been 4 weeks since I've heard from Mark. It's not getting any easier. I still think about him all the time. I still cry.

    I'm looking at my phone less and less. The only time I've looked at my phone today was this morning at 9 AM, and I don't even know why I did. What's the fucking point?

    When Tom stopped talking to me, I went about a week without paying much attention to my phone. But it wasn't really the phone that connected us, it was Facebook. So I took myself off that, and it turned into 2 years. But our phones were what connected Mark and I, so the last thing I want to do is see it or look at it. And I've disappeared off Facebook again. It has nothing to do with Mark, I just don't give a fucking shit about anyone. I don't want to see everyone being happy, or everyone pretending they have a perfect life.

    Just because I haven't written in a week doesn't mean I'm ok. I hardly cried at all Wednesday or Thursday... But Friday and Saturday? I was a fucking mess. Even today has sucked. Sometimes a memory sets me off. Sometimes a song. Anything can set me off it seems. Friday and Saturday Hanson did live stream concerts. Both nights I cried. I cried because they would sing a song that punched me in the heart. I cried because a month ago I was talking to Mark when they did their July shows.

    Ironically I played almost every day this week. Maybe I went 2 or 3 times without. But after every time, I cried. I still think about Mark every single time. How do you stop after 15 years? You can't. I probably never will.

    I've hardly had any dreams (that I remember). That doesn't mean I'm ok. I miss dreaming about Mark. As much as it saddened me to dream about him, at least I was, right?

    I went to dinner last night with Heather and Marcie. I wanted to tell Mark. I wanted to tell him that we didn't do dinner in July, because I didn't initiate it. I didn't this time either. I wanted to tell him where I went, what I ordered. Not once did either of them ask me anything about my life. And in the last 4 weeks no one else has either. No one gives a shit about me.

    I still want to reach out to Mark. I want to txt him. Call him. But I don't. I can't. As much as I want to hear from him, how do I get past this... again? Because this time it was so much different. But I know I would. I'd take him back, again. But how would I not be angry at him? How would I not give him a piece of my mind? I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. I knew last time I would. I don't have that feeling this time. Because everything was different. And it kills me to think that, because I don't want that. I didn't think I needed him in my life. I went 5 years doing ok without him. But those 42 days ruined me.

    I asked Mark if he wanted to jump in the deep end with me, to see how far to the bottom we could go.

    He did jump in with me. But he left me at the bottom. I am drowning and I don't know if I'll ever come back up for air.
    0 likes, 0 comments
    Freysblot...aka Lammas
    by DulceLionessa

    Sissa and I celebrated the harvest this evening. A trip to Akai Hana for sushi and then a stop at our home bar O'Connor's.


    We treated our bartender to our leftovers as he hadn't eaten and he enjoys sushi.

    Was feeling cheeky... So asked in FB...Ask me anything, got some interesting questions. A few in private. 

    Though one... Not sure where that was going...but okay.

    0 likes, 0 comments
    It Doesn't Matter
    by Concrete Rose
    It's been 3 weeks since Mark has talked to me. My heart still hurts. I still cry so fucking much. It hasn't gotten any easier.

    Yesterday was the deadline for my ultimatum.

    Either he read my email and doesn't want to talk to me, or he hasn't read it yet. But what does it matter? He still hasn't talked to me. He is making the choice not to talk to me whether he read that email or not.

    I don't care about anything or anyone right now.

    The only person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me. I still have so much fucking regret. I miss him so fucking much.

    There are some days I look at my phone at noon and I don't look at it again until 8 the next morning.

    I could seriously go without looking at my phone at all, but I feel like I need to or else some people will wonder about me.

    If you saw my txt message history... two people have talked to me in 3 weeks. I'm such a fucking loser.

    It just goes to show that I have no fucking friends. And it shows that I don't give a shit about anyone else either.

    How many times did I accuse Mark of never looking at his phone? How many times did I accuse him of choosing not to txt me back?

    I can see how fucking easy it is. I have no fucking problem putting it in a drawer and never looking at it. I have no problem not txting anyone back.

    But with Mark I could never do that. I never wanted to put my phone in a drawer and not talk to him. Maybe if I had made him miss me for once things would be a lot different.

    Heather asked if I wanted to go to dinner next weekend. I have to pretend I'm ok. I put on a fake face every day so no one will question me.

    Not a single person knows what I'm going through. Not a single person knows how much I'm hurting. How much I'm crying.

    I gave Mark so much shit for going 12 or more hours without talking to me. It's now been 509 hours. Looking back, who cares, right? What the fuck did 12 hours matter? At the time, so fucking much. Now? It wouldn't fucking matter. Not one fucking bit.

    4 weeks ago Mark told me he wanted to come visit. Now look where we are?

    Who am I kidding. Look where we aren't.
    0 likes, 0 comments
    by Concrete Rose
    Thursday I didn't cry once over Mark That doesn't mean I didn't think about him all the time, it's just that for whatever reason, I didn't cry.

    I made up for it on Friday (and today, so far).

    During the night I woke up around 3 AM. My first thought went to Mark. I had a silly thought that maybe he txted me and I should check my phone. But I didn't, because I knew he didn't.

    Then I woke up from a dream about helping someone put a puzzle together. I remember helping them take pieces from a table over to the puzzle. There must've been a giraffe in it, because I found a bunch and put them in for the person. I looked up these symbols.

    After that I played. I was surprised that I wanted to. I hadn't since Sunday. As soon as I stopped having an orgasm, I cried.

    My dog frustrated me before work, so on the way to work, I cried. I wasn't just crying because of my dog, I know I was also crying because I missed Mark.

    After lunch, on the way back to work, Sirius informed me that a favorite artist was on air. It was Hanson. The song was Mmmbop. I could barely listen to the first verse, I switched the song, and I cried.

    A client called because he missed his appointment Monday. Long story short, he told me his wife takes his phone and sometimes has it for a week. I thought, boy, this sounds like Mark's situation. Do you know how bad I wanted to tell this client he better get a new phone and phone number? I told Mark, but it didn't seem to matter.

    I cried again last night thinking of him.

    I fell asleep on the couch, like it seems like I've done every night for the last 3 weeks. I woke up around 1:30 AM and my first thought was, "What is Mark doing? It's 10:30 for him."

    During the night I had a dream. Mark and I were at a fair. We were holding hands. I remember seeing bumper cars and a ferris wheel. I looked up these symbols.

    Afterwards I played. Again, I was surprised that I wanted to. I thought of us at an amusement park, getting on one of those huge ferris wheel's. I wish I could tell Mark what I thought about. After my orgasm, I cried.

    And I'm crying again as I type this.
    1 like, 0 comments
    July 30, 2021
    by raen

    Got my second vaccine on Monday. I am still enjoying the side effects today. It's Friday, people. I have missed four days of work.  Ugh. Anyway here's a picture of a guitar. It is sexy. Enjoy.



    1 like, 1 comment
    Theme 438
    by Theme Of The Week
    Submitted by LittleUn.

    What are the assumptions people make of you which are wrong?

    » Submit a theme idea.
    » Submit your entry to the TOTW circle.
    0 likes, 0 comments
    Cardboard Boxes
    by Concrete Rose
    Back in college (15 years ago) I had to take a psychology class and one of the requirements was to write a research paper. I chose to do mine on dreams.

    Before that I never gave dreams much thought. I don't know if I had ever researched what things meant. But having to do research for that paper made me learn a lot. We obviously have tons of dreams a night, but we don't remember all of them, if any. And our subconscious reveals a lot to us.

    Dreams never mean what you're really dreaming about. If you dream you're pregnant, it doesn't mean you are. If you dream of a plane crash, it doesn't mean it's going to happen. All of these things are symbols and somehow relate to what's going on in your life.

    I don't really remember researching my dreams until I was in the process of moving to Vegas. I remember having strange dreams and started looking up the symbols. At this point I don't remember what those dreams were or the symbols I looked up, but I do remember them relating to me moving, etc.

    Then a few years ago, when all the shit was going on with my house, and being stressed with that process, I was having a lot of dreams and looked up the symbols and them relating to situations I was going through.

    Over the years I've realized that if things are going ok, I don't remember my dreams. The more stressed out I am, the more vivid they are, and I remember them enough to be able to look up what they mean.

    When Mark first started talking to me again, he said he had two dreams about me a few days before. I don't know if that's why he reached out to me again or not. If he was telling the truth, he said the dreams were sexual. A few days later, he said he had another dream about me. Another sexual one.

    I got curious, so I remember looking up what dreaming about the same person means. It wasn't good, and I told him this, and didn't tell him what I read. I told him I look up dreams often, but sometimes you see a lot of different results and don't know what to believe. Other times, all the results are similar. The funny thing is, I looked this up again today, and I can't find the same results. I don't know what keywords I used, but I'm amazed I can't find anything similar to what I read.

    I joked with him and asked what he did to dream about me so much. He said he thought of me. I said I thought about him all the time and I never dreamed about him. I even told him if things are going ok in my life I don't really dream, but if things suck that's when I have a lot of dreams, and most of them are shitty.

    The day after I went to the Hanson concert, he said he had another dream about me. He said he dreamt about before and after the concert. I don't know if they were two separate dreams, or just one really long dream. Again, a sexual dream. (He told me what happened before the concert, but I never did hear what happened after.)

    Ever since Mark has stopped talking to me, I can't stop dreaming. Most of them have involved him, which is ironic because any other time I could never dream about him.

    But things aren't ok in my life, so now I'm dreaming all the time, right?

    Last night I had a dream about packing things in boxes. I was at my parents house, but I don't know why. I don't know if I was moving out of their house. I don't know if I was just packing things I had left there. All I know, is that I was putting things in boxes and I remember asking Dad if we had any more and he said no, so I had to go to the grocery store and get more.

    So I looked up cardboard boxes and moving.


    To dream of cardboard moving boxes represents feelings about change being inevitable. A strong sense that it’s time to do something else.


    Packing and unpacking in a dream suggest that you need to deal with the chaos in your life. Something definitely overwhelms you at the moment, mainly because you are juggling too many things and situations, and you are carrying too many burdens. The dream about packing is a warning to relax and let go.


    Dreaming of packing boxes is symbolic of the changes that are going to happen in your life. You are ready to let all your problems disappear, let your memories go away and forget the past, and seeing brown cardboard boxes indicate finally moving forward.


    To dream of packing your personal belongings represents feelings of changes ahead that you are preparing for. You may be focused on moving forward as you put past issues or relationships behind you. Preparing to move on from some area of your life.


    Dream about Packing Boxes is about disappointments in love. You are progressing smoothly toward your life path. You are feeling vulnerable and untrusting of others. Your dream refers to a new opportunity is made available to you. You are living in your own fantasy world.

    Packing Boxes is a portent for regal power and authority. Perhaps you are longing for more romance in your personal relationship. It is time to move on and look toward the future. The dream denotes self-growth and you desire to present a new image of yourself to others. You need to communicate something important and urgent.

    Pack in your dream refers to sadness, unresolved grief or your fears about death. You need to be more independent and look after your own self. You are being overly indulgent and living a life of excess. This dream signifies abundance, prosperity, growth and fertility. You are imposing your opinions and feelings on others. Pack in this dream hints you feelings and concerns you have about someone. Perhaps, you are being too overly protective. You may be going about things the hard way. This dream stands for some saddening and depressing matter. You need to focus on more joyous moments. You are contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation.

    Box in dream stands for a dysfunctional relationship or unfulfilled goal. You need to use caution in a new situation. You need to distance yourself from an unhealthy relationship. Your dream is an indication for a time in your life when things were more carefree and spontaneous. It is about a partnership, collaboration or teamwork.

    Dream about both “Pack” and “Box” unfortunately draws attention to your lack of judgment and your gullibility. There is some situation or problem in your life that you need to straighten up. You feel that you have no voice or no choice in a situation. The dream denotes troubling times and disappointments. You need to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. Dream about packing boxes is a signal for physical and mental dexterity. You are close to bringing your feelings to the surface. You are ready to share an aspect of yourself. The dream is sometimes a spiritual reawakening, eternal life or resurrection. You are experiencing a new sense of freedom and calm.


    All of these results are similar, right? They talk about change, problems, relationships, moving forward, forgetting things, letting go.

    And that kills me.

    I still miss Mark so fucking much. I still cry every fucking day. I still question everything. I still have regrets. I still ask "what if, what if, what if"

    But our dreams don't lie, right? Our subconscious knows more than we do, right?

    I don't want to move forward (yet). I don't want to forget (ever). I don't want to let go (yet).
    0 likes, 0 comments
    2 Weeks/6 Days
    by Concrete Rose
    I don't know if writing in this diary 465 times a day is helping me, or making things worse.

    Am I writing for myself? Am I writing because I hope Mark might read these entries? But if he reads them, will he think I am better off without him, because he can see how much he's hurt me? Or will he read them and realize just how much I care about him and want him and need him and he will eventually reappear?

    The entire time I lived in Vegas, the entire time I was miserable, depressed, alone, when I was at probably the lowest point in my life...never once did I feel the need to write in this diary. In 2015, when Mark came back and I found out he was married, not once did I feel the need to write in this diary. When things ended with Tom in January 2019, when I was again, at one of the lowest points in my life, miserable, depressed, alone... Not once did I feel the need to write in this diary. It wasn't until June 2019 when I felt the need to write again.

    Between June 5 and July 12 I didn't write a single entry (the one entry doesn't count, it was the email I had sent to him). For 37 days I was either on cloud 9 or in denial. For 37 days, I didn't feel the need to write. Or maybe I just didn't have the time, because that's when time moved so fast, remember? Just because I didn't write doesn't mean everything was good. And just because I didn't write doesn't mean everything was bad.

    Yet now, I cannot stop writing. Is it because I've been writing often since June 2019? Or is it because I have so many emotions and thoughts that I need to get out? Because I didn't write once between December 2020 and May 2021. And even though the entry I wrote in May was brief, I still mentioned Mark. And ever since then, every single fucking entry has ONLY been about Mark. Almost every day. Sometimes twice a day.

    I wish I had written after our phone conversation, because I still want to remember what we talked about.

    I can't tell you how many night I went to bed frustrated at Mark, and cried myself to sleep because I hadn't heard from him in hours. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I got, because I constantly woke up and checked my phone to see if Mark txted me, and when he didn't, I was upset. I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up, and I was already pissed off, because I hadn't heard from Mark in 12 hours.

    But I didn't write about our phone calls. I didn't write about when he came for me. I didn't write about the one night/morning, when we talked for hours and then he called me. I got 0 hours of sleep that night, but I didn't care, because we talked. I didn't write about the things we found out about each other. All the bad shit keeps running through my mind, but what about the good shit? I don't want to forget that.

    My mind doesn't shut up. The only time my mind stops, is when I'm reading, which I'm only doing in the pool now. And even when I'm reading, something can trigger a thought of Mark. If I stop in between chapters, my mind immediately goes to Mark. Just being in my pool and swimming around makes me think of Mark. Even when I try to watch tv, I still think of Mark. Every song reminds me of Mark. Not necessarily the song itself or the band, but the lyrics. Even eating certain foods remind me of Mark. It seems like his name is popping up everywhere now. I can't escape him in my sleep, because I'm dreaming of him more than ever before. He is with me 24/7.

    It has now been 2 weeks since Mark has stopped talking to me. The last time I reached out to him was Monday around 4PM, so that gives me 6 days of not talking to him. But I sent him that email around noon on Tuesday. So does that give me 6 days, or 5? I happened to look at my phone today, around 3:30. The last txt I got from him was at 3:24, two weeks ago. I still miss him. So fucking much.

    The days aren't getting easier, if anything they are getting harder. Because it's one more day I haven't heard from Mark. One more day of missing him. One more day of crying. One more day of just trying to keep living and functioning with a broken heart. One more day of wishing things had gone differently. One more day of wishing I had answered the fucking phone. One more day of wishing I hadn't said what I said.

    I have a love/hate relationship with the saying, "Things happen for a reason." Because if I hadn't left Vegas, I wouldn't be in this house. Among many other examples. 2 weeks ago, the weather was shitty, so I wasn't in my pool. If I had been in my pool, I wouldn't have been laying around waiting for Mark to txt me, to let myself get that upset, to choose to ignore his call. So was there a reason the weather was shitty that day? Because if it had been a gorgeous day, things would be a lot different right now.

    I don't know why, but at work on Friday I looked up how the divorce process works in CA. I will admit, it's not a simple or fast process. I literally went through every step and looked at every form. Even when you file for divorce, someone has to serve the papers to the other person for you, and they have 30 days to respond. If they are civil, you move through the process together. If they don't respond, you can still move through the process, but it's not easy. You have to fill out a form that lists how much money you make, including regular pay and overtime, and how much your mortgage is, and what you think you spend a month on clothes or food. Every single damn thing. Because that all determines alimony.

    And then I looked up in general how long the process takes. It says that no matter what, you can't be divorced until 6 months has passed. So even if you mutually file for divorce and fill out every form and the judge approves it within 30 days, you won't be legally divorced for 5 more months.

    I remember talking to Mark before about how he was the one who contacted me before figuring things out, and how I was kind of put in the middle. And in that email I wrote to him I did tell him that if he needs to sort shit out first and then come back, to at least tell me. But even if he started the divorce process today, he still wouldn't be divorced until some time in 2022. So would he choose to talk to me again, when he's officially divorced, or would he talk to me again when all the paperwork has been submitted and he's waiting for it to be finalized? Or will I just never hear from him again?

    If Mark really goes through with a divorce and waits until after it's approved, then I won't hear from him until next year, and that means we won't be going to that football game together. And I don't want to think that, because that's still 5 months away. I still want to have faith and hope.

    During the conversation in June he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted a divorce anymore. And it made no sense, because just a week or two before that, he did. I got so upset when he said that. I couldn't understand how he went from wanting one, to not being sure. I asked if he was happy. He didn't hesitate to tell me no. I told him that was his answer. I said if you aren't happy, end it. Because he wasn't happy, right? For the last 5 years he hasn't been happy. For the last 2 he hasn't been happy. He was sleeping in his fucking car. All the arguments with his wife. I remember him telling me about his wife and her issues and saying he didn't know why she didn't go live with her Mom. He was talking to me. He said he hated change. We all do. I remember telling him I adapt to change, but that doesn't mean I like it. If you aren't happy with something or someone, you have to make a change. I remember telling him there's this saying in recovery that people hate, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

    Mark barely had time to txt me, how would he find time to fill out these forms? The Friday before he stopped talking to me, I asked if he had talked about divorce with his wife again. He said it was brought up and they talked about it, but nothing since then. And that's when I went off on him, and told him if he wanted to stay married and be unhappy the rest of his life, then that was his choice. I told him he was stupid if he did.

    5 years ago, after finding out he was married, I still wanted him. I remember saying to myself, why do you want to be with someone that is a cheater? That was talking to you when he wife was in the hospital (if she really was)? This goes back to Mark saying I was easy to talk to and a distraction. Because if she really was in the hospital, he came back to me because I was a distraction, right? And this time, when things got shitty again, he came back to me, because again, I was a distraction. But things apparently have been shitty the last 5 years, the last 2 years, so why did he come back to me now? Why not 4 years ago, 3, 2, 1? But it's like as soon as he started talking to me again, he had second thoughts about a divorce.

    I think Mark knows what he's doing is wrong, because in the past he's never let it go on for too long. Like he comes back, but eventually realizes he's an asshole and that's when he disappears on me. So he's hurting the person he's with, with or without them knowing it, and then in return, disappears and now he's hurting me, with or without knowing it.

    Mark always uses me as a distraction, to forget about his real life, but he ends up being my distraction, making me choose to forget about my real life. When Mark comes back, I don't care about anything or anyone else. When I went out to dinner in June, I was txting Mark. Any other time, I never look at my phone. I always txted him at work, not focusing on my actual work. Now, he's still a distraction, because he's all I think about.

    After going back and reading past entries, I was never this upset about him disappearing before. I wrote about how I missed him, etc, but I never once read where I spent weeks crying over him. 5 years ago, after ending the phone call with him admitting he was married, I do remember crying and having a hard time falling back to sleep. But again, I don't remember crying for weeks. I think I was upset that entire day, not so much crying, but just being upset in general. Probably in shock, but not really, because I had a feeling.

    I think it's different this time because of everything we talked about. Him wanting to end his marriage. Him wanting to come visit me. Him hearing me say don't fucking disappear and him saying he wouldn't. It's a lot to digest and get over. And it's going to take a long fucking time because I don't want it to be over. I want him to come back.

    Maybe Mark forgot about him disappearing on me all the time. The last time he didn't disappear, I found out he was married and that was the end of it. So the last time he disappeared on me was in July 2013. 8 years ago. He couldn't remember his fucking phone at a store or restaurant, do I really expect him to remember all the times he disappeared on me? Because it didn't affect him, right? It wasn't his heart getting hurt every time.

    I hate comparing Mark and Tom, but how can I not? Especially at this point, because they BOTH disappeared on me. What is happening right now, has brought up all those horrible memories with Tom. It took me a year to fully get over the situation with Tom, to fully come to terms with not wanting him in my life. To fully accept that I deserved better. Tom and I knew each other 20 years, right? We were friends. But we drifted apart, like a lot of people do. We talked in 2015, but we never talked again until 2018, because he had no idea I didn't live in Vegas anymore. But never once did we talk dirty. Never once did he cum for me on the phone. Never once did I think about him when masturbating. So when we started talking about a future together, I was hesitant. I said to him, "Either we'll be together forever, or I'll lose you." And he said, "You'll never lose me." But... I did lose him. I lost a FRIEND.

    Mark and I have never been able to just be friends. Even when we first met, it quickly became sexual. Here and there we did learn things about each other, but not very much. Apparently every time a girl was in his life he'd disappear, but he'd resurface and it'd go back to being sexual. We could never just be friends while he dated or while he was married because it was never like that. Every time he disappeared it wasn't because we drifted apart, it's because there was another girl. So even though I say that Mark and I have known each other for 15 years, does it really count? Because for at least 7 of those years we didn't talk, and not just because we drifted apart.

    In the email I wrote to him after our phone conversation, I told him if all he needed was a friend right now, then I could be one. But who was I kidding? We could never be just friends, because we never have been. When have I ever been there for him (and vice versa) as just a friend? Never. Because even if we tried, it would turn sexual. This time, I think we tried, but it got too fucking hard. For almost a week it seemed like he didn't talk dirty to me, and I pointed that out. And him disappearing proves we can't be just friends.

    Anyways. When I started to not hear from Mark for HOURS, and when it started to become 12+ hours, it brought back up those shitty memories with Tom (because he CHOSE not to talk to me for 12 hours, while he was at work, when I was out visiting him). Something I hadn't thought about in 1-2 years, came back to the surface because of something he chose to do. And I expressed this to Mark. I feel like I even told him this on the phone. He HEARD me say it. So not only was I trying to come to terms with Mark's life in general, how busy he was, being married, etc., I was also dealing with past issues, that I probably never really addressed.

    And I told him I had trust issues, but of course he doesn't know the whole story. I told him that for the last 20 years I've learned to not get my hopes up, to not rely on anything or anyone. I told him there are reasons that make both of us who we are, and I was trying my hardest, but it was challenging. And because Tom disappeared one me, and Mark has disappeared on me multiple times, those thoughts kept resurfacing.

    So I was dealing with the present and dealing with the past, all at fucking once, and it hit me hard. It was a struggle. It still is. But Mark had no idea just how much Tom hurt me. Things that I wanted to explain to him I wanted to be done in person. I guess I should've talked about them on the phone, but sometimes you just wanted to have fun conversations, you didn't want everything to be serious.

    How can ANYONE, not just a guy (though that seems to be the pattern in my life), stop talking to someone in the snap of their fingers? Tom didn't even want to stay friends with me. Mark? I don't know. The day before he stopped talking to me, he called to cum for me on the phone, but there was a connection issue. The minute before he stopped talking to me, he said he missed me. How can feelings change like that within a day, within a minute?

    Is there something psychologically wrong with Mark? Is there a reason why he cheats, or a reason why he comes back to ME when shit gets hard? Did something happen in his past? I'm not perfect either. There is shit that has happened to me, right? I've never went to counseling. I've never talked about it to anyone. How am I any better? So there's something psychologically wrong with me, too, right? Because why do I keep letting Mark come back?

    I told Mark on the phone that I'm a hypocrite, that I'm not any better than other people. Years ago Sheri at work was always talking to guys that were still married. I remember telling her she was crazy, that I didn't know how she could do that, why she'd want to be with a guy who could do that. But I told Mark I'm doing it, that I'm no better. Except with Mark it's always, always, always different. I stopped talking to Nick because he was a cheater. I still don't give him the time of day. I'm friendly with him, but I don't want to be in a relationship with him. With Mark? It doesn't fucking matter.

    So why is EVERYTHING different with Mark?

    If I went to a counselor and unloaded all this bullshit on them, first they'd go back to my childhood. I wouldn't say anything in my childhood fucked me up, but I know when I was 14 what Jen did fucked me up. Or was the start of it. But what would that have to do with Mark? I'm sure they'd find a connection. They always say you want what you can't have. Is that it? Is it because I've wanted Mark the last 15 years and I STILL haven't had him?

    If Mark went to counseling and talked about me, they would ask the same question. Why do you keep going back to Brooke? Why have you kept her number? Why is it HER you always go back to, over and over and over again? Is it the same thing... you want what you can't have? Is it the sexting between us? The fantasy?

    I jokingly told Mark that he and my dog were very similar. I honestly don't remember what I told him and I don't feel like looking at my phone (because there would be no txt or missed call from Mark and I don't feel like getting even more upset), but I'm similar to a dog, too, right? No matter how many times my master treats me like shit, no matter how many times he leaves me, I stay loyal. I still go back. I still take the abuse. I still want him to be my owner.

    Over these last few weeks, I noticed that even though our lives are completely different, they are also very similar.

    During the one phone conversation, where shit got real, he mentioned that he didn't really have friends. I think that was after he said that I was easy to talk to and a distraction. I always pictured Mark as this popular guy, with tons of friends, busy on the weekends going out to dinner or golfing. Maybe because when we first met that's how his life seemed? But again, we never really knew much about each other's personal lives. So I don't think he had anyone to talk to about things. How do you explain to friends that your marriage failed, that it's been shitty for the last 5 years, that you've been sleeping in your car for 2 years? Who would he ask to serve the divorce papers to his wife? (I'd do it. I'd fly out there and do it in a heartbeat.)

    I remember telling Mark I didn't really have friends either. I actually told him this when we first started txting. He asked if when I moved back to PA if I kept the same friends. I explained that I did, but also made new friends because of who I worked with. But I also explained that I didn't really hang out with anyone, and explained the dinner situation with Marcie/Heather. I think I told him when I was going through shit a few years ago, that not one person noticed something was wrong with me. I said they either didn't care, or I was that good at hiding it.

    We both seem to hate social media. He has no idea that I didn't use Facebook for 2 years. And honestly, I haven't gotten on since he stopped talking to me. Why do I want to see everyone else with their perfect lives while I'm fucking miserable?

    I don't want Mark to think that I'm made of money. Yes, he's aware that I built a brand new house, but he has no idea that Dad bought the lot for me, that he paid my closing costs, that he paid for all the hookups to be done. I remember telling Mark I had a deck built and still needed a porch, and by the time I had both I could've bought a new car. He doesn't know that Dad paid for my deck and will be paying for my porch. He has no idea that I'm putting as much money into savings as I possibly can so I can slowly pay Dad back. He has no idea that I still live like I did 5 years, making $10K less. He has no idea that I was finally able to pay off my credit card in full this last month, that I've carried a balance for the last 6 years (which is something I never used to do).

    He seemed to start working a lot of overtime when we were talking. Maybe he had before, but when I asked what his work hours were, he said it was usually 8-5 or 5:30. Because at first it seemed like he had time for me. And then work got crazy. Meetings, other people fucking up. By this point, I was getting more attached and he had less time for me. It sucked.

    A few days before he stopped talking to me, I asked him if he liked his job. He said normally yes, but right now things were hectic. I asked if everyone else worked past 5 and on weekends, or if he chose to do that. I asked if his work expected him to do that. He said a lot of people did work past their shift, but he probably worked the most in general. I asked why and he said he needed the money. I told him I understood, just not to burn himself out. I also think Mark used work as another distraction, as a way to not have to deal with things at home. Because if you don't get done working until 8PM, then that's less time dealing with bullshit at home. And if you work on weekends, that's less time dealing with bullshit at home.

    I guess I just assumed he had his shit together, but when he told me he didn't have tv, he could only watch things that were free, it made me wonder/question things. I told him I don't have tv either, that I mooch off others. So I understand him working overtime, needing money to get a divorce (just to file that paperwork is $500, that's not counting other fees or if he needed to hire a divorce lawyer), needing money to get his own place. And possibly needing money to come visit me. It's not my business, but he seemed to eat out a lot. I wanted to say, if you didn't eat out so much, you'd have more money. But what right did I have?

    During that phone call, I asked Mark if he saw a future for us. I mean, it's a silly question to ask someone who's still married and 3K miles away, but I needed to know. He didn't necessarily hesitate, he was just trying to find the right words and the right way to explain it. If I remember, he said he didn't know. He said he still had a lot of things to sort out and he needed to figure out a place to live and needed money to do that. I think that's when I asked how long I should wait for him, and he told me not to wait, to do what I needed to do. I wanted to tell him don't worry about finding a place to live, just move here, but again, did I really expect him to go from a marriage to moving here with me, without taking any time in between for himself?

    I know it's hard to expect someone to end their marriage and get a divorce and jump right into another relationship, which I think I wanted to happen. The weekend before I had mentioned that I was exhausted because I babysat 4 little girls. His response was, "Wait what" and I asked what he meant by that. He said he didn't think I had any kids, I said I didn't. So during our phone conversation I brought that up. I asked why he seemed so surprised. He said he just didn't think I had kids. I told him I didn't, and said, "Do you really think I'd keep something like that from you?" That's when I asked if he had kids. I was glad when he said no, because I knew if he did, I could never expect him to move to the other side of the country.

    I asked him why he didn't have kids. He told me that his wife has some sort of health condition. He told me the name, but I don't remember. I think he said she's basically in pain all the time. I don't know if this is the reason they never had kids, because he first said he (they?) wanted kids, but then he didn't, and then he wasn't sure. Most people have an answer. For me, it's yes, 100%. But if you ask others, they don't hesitate to say no. Mark didn't have a definite answer, because I still don't think he knows. A few days later I did have a thought, that if Mark said he didn't want kids, if I'd be ok with that. If I finally had Mark, would I be ok going the rest of my life not having kids, because I knew I'd have the rest of my life with him. I still don't know the answer to that. Would I sacrifice never having kids to be with a guy I've always wanted to be with?

    I still have no idea how long he's been married. At least 5 years, which is really more like 6, since I found out he was married in December 2020. At that time I wasn't sure how long he had already been married. Not every couple has kids right away, I know some that wait years. So if they wanted kids, they obviously didn't have them right away. I think he said his marriage has sucked the last 5-6 years and he had over 5 years of pent up sexual frustration. So does that mean for the last 5 years he hasn't had sex? If so, that explains why they never had kids. So many unanswered questions.

    Everyone knows girls have a biological clock, and it seems like as soon as you hit 30 it ticks louder and louder and louder. Guys can have kids until they die, but it seems like once a female hits 35, they know their years are numbered. That is very true for me.

    I remember talking about kids with Tom. At that time I was only 31, almost 32, and he was already 34/35. I told him I always wanted 4 kids, but knew that was almost impossible at that point. Obviously kids are expensive, and he mentioned that. I told him I wanted to have at least 2, but if both were girls or boys, we would have a third. That's why when I visited him, we didn't use any protection, because if I got pregnant, we were both ok with it. And I remember having the pregnancy scare. Part of me wanted to be pregnant, just so I could finally have a kid, which sounds horrible. Another part of me wanted a kid, in hopes that maybe that would make Tom come back. Again, another horrible thought. I was devastated when I found out I wasn't pregnant, but I also knew it was for the best. I knew that I couldn't force Tom to come back with a kid, and I knew I couldn't raise one on my own. I mean, I COULD, because I've done everything on my own, but I didn't WANT to.

    So anyways... Mark and I never discussed having kids together. He never asked if I wanted kids. He could've asked me during that conversation, or at any point, but but never did. Maybe he assumes I don't want kids, but I don't feel like I ever gave him that impression. I remember telling him Tom and I had discussed getting married and having kids. But maybe he thought my pregnancy scare was really that... a scare. That it scared the shit out of me because I didn't want kids. But that wasn't why I considered it a scare.

    But Mark is 40, almost 41, so maybe he feels like he's too old at this point. Maybe he feels like by the time he gets a divorce and gets his life sorted out, he'll be too old. I already know I'll never have 4 kids (unless I have twins, etc) but I still want at least 1. And my clock is ticking... FAST. I'm almost 35. In order for me to have a kid before I'm 36, I'd have to get pregnant in December or January, which is highly unlikely. So now I'm at least 36, but probably closer to 37, before I have a kid. Even if Mark and I are together at that point, he's 42, almost 43. So where is his head really at when he thinks of kids? Is that even something he's thinking about with everything else going on in his life? I doubt it.

    Years ago, when I was maybe 29, Sheri at work tried hooking me up with a guy in his 40's, who already had a teenage daughter. I told her she was crazy, because by the time we dated, and maybe not married, how old would he be at that point? I said by that point he could be their grandfather, especially by the time they graduated high school. But it's different with Mark, right? Even if I had just 1 kid with him and I was 39, he'd be 45 and I wouldn't care because I'd be having a kid with HIM.

    I always seem to put the cart before the horse, right? I can't just live in the present, I have to think about the future. Even years into it. But I feel like with Mark I always envisioned a future. Back in college I thought about us having a future and I'm sure for years after that. I'm sure 5 years ago, before I knew he was married I envisioned one. And I envisioned one this time around, because it seemed more real than any time before.

    Maybe he doesn't realize it, but we had kind of talked about it, hadn't we?

    I mean... We discussed the future, but not marriage and kids. We discussed how if I went on a vacation without him, he said he wouldn't care, but he'd pounce on me as soon as I got home. We talked about going to concerts together. We talked about going out to eat together. We talked about swimming together. Watching tv together.

    We talked about fucking each other as much as possible. We talked about fucking in the morning before leaving for work and at the end of the day before bed. We talked about being able to do it all the time on the weekends. But again, we've ALWAYS talked about that. That is the one thing that has always connected us. That is one thing we always resort back to.

    In the last 15 years, I've masturbated roughly 5,400 times. That's if I did it once a day, every day. I know for a fact that there are times when I didn't play every day, and I know there are times that I did it multiple times a day. So I know that that number isn't accurate. But every single time I played... I thought of Mark. That's a lot of fantasies, right? Positions, locations, words said. I've watched a lot of porn, but I still always imagined it was Mark and I in that position, or saying those words, etc.

    I've thought about Mark and I fucking in a bed, on a couch, on a table, in the shower, in the car, by the pool, in the pool, on a beach. I've thought about Mark fingering me in a pool, in a car, out front of the Bellagio. I've thought about sucking his cock in the car, by the pool, in a movie theater, under the covers.

    I'm not saying I've never thought about Mark fucking me in MY bed, on MY table, in MY shower, etc etc. But this time, it was different, because for probably the first time ever, Mark said he had thought about coming to visit. And any time he shared a fantasy, he would say things like: "Do you want me to bend you over your couch?" "I thought about fucking you on your table." "I fucked you on your bathroom counter." "When I came home from work you were waiting for me on your knees." Never once did he mention his place. Neither did I. So Mark is all over this house, all over my life, without knowing it. I can't look at my counter, or table or pool without thinking of Mark.

    When Tom disappeared on me and I was depressed, I didn't play for that reason. I didn't play because I couldn't think of Tom, because I knew when I did I would think about Mark. I just didn't play because of how broken I was. This time? It's both. I can't and don't want to play because I'd want to think about Mark. I did play twice last Saturday. after having gone probably over a week, and after both times I had an orgasm, I bawled my eyes out. This morning, I played, after having gone over a week, and as soon as I had an orgasm, I bawled my eyes out.

    So I wonder how often Mark is playing. I was surprised when the one day he told me he hadn't played the day before. I just assumed he was still this horny guy that had to get off at least once a day, but apparently not, because life gets in the way. I kind of took it personal, that I guess I wasn't talking dirty enough to him. But how many days did I suddenly start going without playing because I was frustrated and sad with him? Many. But on other days, he made me so horny it was 3. Just like that one day he said he had already played 3 times, or the time we got off the phone and he said he had to play twice.

    So... that's why I wonder how often he's playing now. If he's still thinking of me. Because I am devastated and can't bring myself to play, because I can't bring myself to think about Mark. And as soon as I stop orgasming, I bawl. It's not just a few tears, it's literally my orgasm is over and I start sobbing. This morning I was crying so hard and hurting so bad, that all I wanted to do was call Mark, to see if he'd answer. All I wanted to do was leave him a voicemail. All I wanted to do was send him a txt. If my phone hadn't been out in the kitchen, I probably would've contacted him in some way.

    I'm not a religious person, but it's hard to be when you feel like you keep getting shit on. I know my life isn't as bad as others, but I also know it's not as good. All the time I question why certain shit happens to me, and for others it's a damn walk in the park. I still don't know why God would put Mark back in my life, just to have him disappear and hurt me again. I don't know what the reason is, what the lesson is, because I was fine without him. I KNEW I'd hear from him again, but another part of me thought it was seriously over between us, that he and his wife worked shit out. So why the hell did God put him back into my life?

    You always think... What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Because for the longest time after Tom disappeared, I thought that. I thought that it was something I said, or something I did. I thought I wasn't good enough for him. And I eventually came to terms that there was nothing wrong with me. I am who I am and I can't change and Tom couldn't handle me and I deserved to find someone who did.

    So again... What did I do wrong that I'm not good enough for Mark? Because it seemed like Mark was fine with things. I am aware I got emotional, but I explained to Mark that when I get frustrated, I cry. I have done this for as long as I can remember. It seemed like I was always frustrated with something Mark did, and I cried because of it. I am aware that I can control my feelings. If I hadn't let myself get frustrated, I wouldn't have been emotional. But it's just how I am.

    I remember Tom telling me I had to open up and tell him things, but when I did he got annoyed and said I was emotional, therefore, that frustrated me, and I got more emotional. Just with Mark he told me to always let him know when I was frustrated. Well, I did. Apparently that backfired, didn't it? Why do guys tell you to do something, and when you do, it gets to be too much for them and they bail?

    Again, so much has happened in my past that I never have the chance to explain to someone before they bail. If I could explain why I am the way I am, then maybe they would understand the way I am. But I never have that fucking chance. So every time a guy ruins me, I put up another wall. And I have yet to find a guy that can climb those walls and make it over the other side. So every time a guy (or person) hurts me, another wall goes up. How will I ever find a guy to get past all these walls? I thought it was Mark. I don't know.
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    work seriously?!?!?
    by The Avon Lady

     stressed the f out. was told today i need to do prep faster or its my job basically and scheduled for 12 hours this week?!?!? Wth!!  so orginally when i got a chance to look at the schedule, i was schedule 8-10 am today but was told when i called yesterday to check on the schedule to come in at 7am.  next day i work is 10am-2:30 on wednesday, and 8am -2 pm on saturday? how the fuck am i supposed to improve if you only have me working 3 days a week? 


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