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2 Weeks/6 Days
by Concrete Rose
I don't know if writing in this diary 465 times a day is helping me, or making things worse.

Am I writing for myself? Am I writing because I hope Mark might read these entries? But if he reads them, will he think I am better off without him, because he can see how much he's hurt me? Or will he read them and realize just how much I care about him and want him and need him and he will eventually reappear?

The entire time I lived in Vegas, the entire time I was miserable, depressed, alone, when I was at probably the lowest point in my life...never once did I feel the need to write in this diary. In 2015, when Mark came back and I found out he was married, not once did I feel the need to write in this diary. When things ended with Tom in January 2019, when I was again, at one of the lowest points in my life, miserable, depressed, alone... Not once did I feel the need to write in this diary. It wasn't until June 2019 when I felt the need to write again.

Between June 5 and July 12 I didn't write a single entry (the one entry doesn't count, it was the email I had sent to him). For 37 days I was either on cloud 9 or in denial. For 37 days, I didn't feel the need to write. Or maybe I just didn't have the time, because that's when time moved so fast, remember? Just because I didn't write doesn't mean everything was good. And just because I didn't write doesn't mean everything was bad.

Yet now, I cannot stop writing. Is it because I've been writing often since June 2019? Or is it because I have so many emotions and thoughts that I need to get out? Because I didn't write once between December 2020 and May 2021. And even though the entry I wrote in May was brief, I still mentioned Mark. And ever since then, every single fucking entry has ONLY been about Mark. Almost every day. Sometimes twice a day.

I wish I had written after our phone conversation, because I still want to remember what we talked about.

I can't tell you how many night I went to bed frustrated at Mark, and cried myself to sleep because I hadn't heard from him in hours. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I got, because I constantly woke up and checked my phone to see if Mark txted me, and when he didn't, I was upset. I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up, and I was already pissed off, because I hadn't heard from Mark in 12 hours.

But I didn't write about our phone calls. I didn't write about when he came for me. I didn't write about the one night/morning, when we talked for hours and then he called me. I got 0 hours of sleep that night, but I didn't care, because we talked. I didn't write about the things we found out about each other. All the bad shit keeps running through my mind, but what about the good shit? I don't want to forget that.

My mind doesn't shut up. The only time my mind stops, is when I'm reading, which I'm only doing in the pool now. And even when I'm reading, something can trigger a thought of Mark. If I stop in between chapters, my mind immediately goes to Mark. Just being in my pool and swimming around makes me think of Mark. Even when I try to watch tv, I still think of Mark. Every song reminds me of Mark. Not necessarily the song itself or the band, but the lyrics. Even eating certain foods remind me of Mark. It seems like his name is popping up everywhere now. I can't escape him in my sleep, because I'm dreaming of him more than ever before. He is with me 24/7.

It has now been 2 weeks since Mark has stopped talking to me. The last time I reached out to him was Monday around 4PM, so that gives me 6 days of not talking to him. But I sent him that email around noon on Tuesday. So does that give me 6 days, or 5? I happened to look at my phone today, around 3:30. The last txt I got from him was at 3:24, two weeks ago. I still miss him. So fucking much.

The days aren't getting easier, if anything they are getting harder. Because it's one more day I haven't heard from Mark. One more day of missing him. One more day of crying. One more day of just trying to keep living and functioning with a broken heart. One more day of wishing things had gone differently. One more day of wishing I had answered the fucking phone. One more day of wishing I hadn't said what I said.

I have a love/hate relationship with the saying, "Things happen for a reason." Because if I hadn't left Vegas, I wouldn't be in this house. Among many other examples. 2 weeks ago, the weather was shitty, so I wasn't in my pool. If I had been in my pool, I wouldn't have been laying around waiting for Mark to txt me, to let myself get that upset, to choose to ignore his call. So was there a reason the weather was shitty that day? Because if it had been a gorgeous day, things would be a lot different right now.

I don't know why, but at work on Friday I looked up how the divorce process works in CA. I will admit, it's not a simple or fast process. I literally went through every step and looked at every form. Even when you file for divorce, someone has to serve the papers to the other person for you, and they have 30 days to respond. If they are civil, you move through the process together. If they don't respond, you can still move through the process, but it's not easy. You have to fill out a form that lists how much money you make, including regular pay and overtime, and how much your mortgage is, and what you think you spend a month on clothes or food. Every single damn thing. Because that all determines alimony.

And then I looked up in general how long the process takes. It says that no matter what, you can't be divorced until 6 months has passed. So even if you mutually file for divorce and fill out every form and the judge approves it within 30 days, you won't be legally divorced for 5 more months.

I remember talking to Mark before about how he was the one who contacted me before figuring things out, and how I was kind of put in the middle. And in that email I wrote to him I did tell him that if he needs to sort shit out first and then come back, to at least tell me. But even if he started the divorce process today, he still wouldn't be divorced until some time in 2022. So would he choose to talk to me again, when he's officially divorced, or would he talk to me again when all the paperwork has been submitted and he's waiting for it to be finalized? Or will I just never hear from him again?

If Mark really goes through with a divorce and waits until after it's approved, then I won't hear from him until next year, and that means we won't be going to that football game together. And I don't want to think that, because that's still 5 months away. I still want to have faith and hope.

During the conversation in June he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted a divorce anymore. And it made no sense, because just a week or two before that, he did. I got so upset when he said that. I couldn't understand how he went from wanting one, to not being sure. I asked if he was happy. He didn't hesitate to tell me no. I told him that was his answer. I said if you aren't happy, end it. Because he wasn't happy, right? For the last 5 years he hasn't been happy. For the last 2 he hasn't been happy. He was sleeping in his fucking car. All the arguments with his wife. I remember him telling me about his wife and her issues and saying he didn't know why she didn't go live with her Mom. He was talking to me. He said he hated change. We all do. I remember telling him I adapt to change, but that doesn't mean I like it. If you aren't happy with something or someone, you have to make a change. I remember telling him there's this saying in recovery that people hate, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

Mark barely had time to txt me, how would he find time to fill out these forms? The Friday before he stopped talking to me, I asked if he had talked about divorce with his wife again. He said it was brought up and they talked about it, but nothing since then. And that's when I went off on him, and told him if he wanted to stay married and be unhappy the rest of his life, then that was his choice. I told him he was stupid if he did.

5 years ago, after finding out he was married, I still wanted him. I remember saying to myself, why do you want to be with someone that is a cheater? That was talking to you when he wife was in the hospital (if she really was)? This goes back to Mark saying I was easy to talk to and a distraction. Because if she really was in the hospital, he came back to me because I was a distraction, right? And this time, when things got shitty again, he came back to me, because again, I was a distraction. But things apparently have been shitty the last 5 years, the last 2 years, so why did he come back to me now? Why not 4 years ago, 3, 2, 1? But it's like as soon as he started talking to me again, he had second thoughts about a divorce.

I think Mark knows what he's doing is wrong, because in the past he's never let it go on for too long. Like he comes back, but eventually realizes he's an asshole and that's when he disappears on me. So he's hurting the person he's with, with or without them knowing it, and then in return, disappears and now he's hurting me, with or without knowing it.

Mark always uses me as a distraction, to forget about his real life, but he ends up being my distraction, making me choose to forget about my real life. When Mark comes back, I don't care about anything or anyone else. When I went out to dinner in June, I was txting Mark. Any other time, I never look at my phone. I always txted him at work, not focusing on my actual work. Now, he's still a distraction, because he's all I think about.

After going back and reading past entries, I was never this upset about him disappearing before. I wrote about how I missed him, etc, but I never once read where I spent weeks crying over him. 5 years ago, after ending the phone call with him admitting he was married, I do remember crying and having a hard time falling back to sleep. But again, I don't remember crying for weeks. I think I was upset that entire day, not so much crying, but just being upset in general. Probably in shock, but not really, because I had a feeling.

I think it's different this time because of everything we talked about. Him wanting to end his marriage. Him wanting to come visit me. Him hearing me say don't fucking disappear and him saying he wouldn't. It's a lot to digest and get over. And it's going to take a long fucking time because I don't want it to be over. I want him to come back.

Maybe Mark forgot about him disappearing on me all the time. The last time he didn't disappear, I found out he was married and that was the end of it. So the last time he disappeared on me was in July 2013. 8 years ago. He couldn't remember his fucking phone at a store or restaurant, do I really expect him to remember all the times he disappeared on me? Because it didn't affect him, right? It wasn't his heart getting hurt every time.

I hate comparing Mark and Tom, but how can I not? Especially at this point, because they BOTH disappeared on me. What is happening right now, has brought up all those horrible memories with Tom. It took me a year to fully get over the situation with Tom, to fully come to terms with not wanting him in my life. To fully accept that I deserved better. Tom and I knew each other 20 years, right? We were friends. But we drifted apart, like a lot of people do. We talked in 2015, but we never talked again until 2018, because he had no idea I didn't live in Vegas anymore. But never once did we talk dirty. Never once did he cum for me on the phone. Never once did I think about him when masturbating. So when we started talking about a future together, I was hesitant. I said to him, "Either we'll be together forever, or I'll lose you." And he said, "You'll never lose me." But... I did lose him. I lost a FRIEND.

Mark and I have never been able to just be friends. Even when we first met, it quickly became sexual. Here and there we did learn things about each other, but not very much. Apparently every time a girl was in his life he'd disappear, but he'd resurface and it'd go back to being sexual. We could never just be friends while he dated or while he was married because it was never like that. Every time he disappeared it wasn't because we drifted apart, it's because there was another girl. So even though I say that Mark and I have known each other for 15 years, does it really count? Because for at least 7 of those years we didn't talk, and not just because we drifted apart.

In the email I wrote to him after our phone conversation, I told him if all he needed was a friend right now, then I could be one. But who was I kidding? We could never be just friends, because we never have been. When have I ever been there for him (and vice versa) as just a friend? Never. Because even if we tried, it would turn sexual. This time, I think we tried, but it got too fucking hard. For almost a week it seemed like he didn't talk dirty to me, and I pointed that out. And him disappearing proves we can't be just friends.

Anyways. When I started to not hear from Mark for HOURS, and when it started to become 12+ hours, it brought back up those shitty memories with Tom (because he CHOSE not to talk to me for 12 hours, while he was at work, when I was out visiting him). Something I hadn't thought about in 1-2 years, came back to the surface because of something he chose to do. And I expressed this to Mark. I feel like I even told him this on the phone. He HEARD me say it. So not only was I trying to come to terms with Mark's life in general, how busy he was, being married, etc., I was also dealing with past issues, that I probably never really addressed.

And I told him I had trust issues, but of course he doesn't know the whole story. I told him that for the last 20 years I've learned to not get my hopes up, to not rely on anything or anyone. I told him there are reasons that make both of us who we are, and I was trying my hardest, but it was challenging. And because Tom disappeared one me, and Mark has disappeared on me multiple times, those thoughts kept resurfacing.

So I was dealing with the present and dealing with the past, all at fucking once, and it hit me hard. It was a struggle. It still is. But Mark had no idea just how much Tom hurt me. Things that I wanted to explain to him I wanted to be done in person. I guess I should've talked about them on the phone, but sometimes you just wanted to have fun conversations, you didn't want everything to be serious.

How can ANYONE, not just a guy (though that seems to be the pattern in my life), stop talking to someone in the snap of their fingers? Tom didn't even want to stay friends with me. Mark? I don't know. The day before he stopped talking to me, he called to cum for me on the phone, but there was a connection issue. The minute before he stopped talking to me, he said he missed me. How can feelings change like that within a day, within a minute?

Is there something psychologically wrong with Mark? Is there a reason why he cheats, or a reason why he comes back to ME when shit gets hard? Did something happen in his past? I'm not perfect either. There is shit that has happened to me, right? I've never went to counseling. I've never talked about it to anyone. How am I any better? So there's something psychologically wrong with me, too, right? Because why do I keep letting Mark come back?

I told Mark on the phone that I'm a hypocrite, that I'm not any better than other people. Years ago Sheri at work was always talking to guys that were still married. I remember telling her she was crazy, that I didn't know how she could do that, why she'd want to be with a guy who could do that. But I told Mark I'm doing it, that I'm no better. Except with Mark it's always, always, always different. I stopped talking to Nick because he was a cheater. I still don't give him the time of day. I'm friendly with him, but I don't want to be in a relationship with him. With Mark? It doesn't fucking matter.

So why is EVERYTHING different with Mark?

If I went to a counselor and unloaded all this bullshit on them, first they'd go back to my childhood. I wouldn't say anything in my childhood fucked me up, but I know when I was 14 what Jen did fucked me up. Or was the start of it. But what would that have to do with Mark? I'm sure they'd find a connection. They always say you want what you can't have. Is that it? Is it because I've wanted Mark the last 15 years and I STILL haven't had him?

If Mark went to counseling and talked about me, they would ask the same question. Why do you keep going back to Brooke? Why have you kept her number? Why is it HER you always go back to, over and over and over again? Is it the same thing... you want what you can't have? Is it the sexting between us? The fantasy?

I jokingly told Mark that he and my dog were very similar. I honestly don't remember what I told him and I don't feel like looking at my phone (because there would be no txt or missed call from Mark and I don't feel like getting even more upset), but I'm similar to a dog, too, right? No matter how many times my master treats me like shit, no matter how many times he leaves me, I stay loyal. I still go back. I still take the abuse. I still want him to be my owner.

Over these last few weeks, I noticed that even though our lives are completely different, they are also very similar.

During the one phone conversation, where shit got real, he mentioned that he didn't really have friends. I think that was after he said that I was easy to talk to and a distraction. I always pictured Mark as this popular guy, with tons of friends, busy on the weekends going out to dinner or golfing. Maybe because when we first met that's how his life seemed? But again, we never really knew much about each other's personal lives. So I don't think he had anyone to talk to about things. How do you explain to friends that your marriage failed, that it's been shitty for the last 5 years, that you've been sleeping in your car for 2 years? Who would he ask to serve the divorce papers to his wife? (I'd do it. I'd fly out there and do it in a heartbeat.)

I remember telling Mark I didn't really have friends either. I actually told him this when we first started txting. He asked if when I moved back to PA if I kept the same friends. I explained that I did, but also made new friends because of who I worked with. But I also explained that I didn't really hang out with anyone, and explained the dinner situation with Marcie/Heather. I think I told him when I was going through shit a few years ago, that not one person noticed something was wrong with me. I said they either didn't care, or I was that good at hiding it.

We both seem to hate social media. He has no idea that I didn't use Facebook for 2 years. And honestly, I haven't gotten on since he stopped talking to me. Why do I want to see everyone else with their perfect lives while I'm fucking miserable?

I don't want Mark to think that I'm made of money. Yes, he's aware that I built a brand new house, but he has no idea that Dad bought the lot for me, that he paid my closing costs, that he paid for all the hookups to be done. I remember telling Mark I had a deck built and still needed a porch, and by the time I had both I could've bought a new car. He doesn't know that Dad paid for my deck and will be paying for my porch. He has no idea that I'm putting as much money into savings as I possibly can so I can slowly pay Dad back. He has no idea that I still live like I did 5 years, making $10K less. He has no idea that I was finally able to pay off my credit card in full this last month, that I've carried a balance for the last 6 years (which is something I never used to do).

He seemed to start working a lot of overtime when we were talking. Maybe he had before, but when I asked what his work hours were, he said it was usually 8-5 or 5:30. Because at first it seemed like he had time for me. And then work got crazy. Meetings, other people fucking up. By this point, I was getting more attached and he had less time for me. It sucked.

A few days before he stopped talking to me, I asked him if he liked his job. He said normally yes, but right now things were hectic. I asked if everyone else worked past 5 and on weekends, or if he chose to do that. I asked if his work expected him to do that. He said a lot of people did work past their shift, but he probably worked the most in general. I asked why and he said he needed the money. I told him I understood, just not to burn himself out. I also think Mark used work as another distraction, as a way to not have to deal with things at home. Because if you don't get done working until 8PM, then that's less time dealing with bullshit at home. And if you work on weekends, that's less time dealing with bullshit at home.

I guess I just assumed he had his shit together, but when he told me he didn't have tv, he could only watch things that were free, it made me wonder/question things. I told him I don't have tv either, that I mooch off others. So I understand him working overtime, needing money to get a divorce (just to file that paperwork is $500, that's not counting other fees or if he needed to hire a divorce lawyer), needing money to get his own place. And possibly needing money to come visit me. It's not my business, but he seemed to eat out a lot. I wanted to say, if you didn't eat out so much, you'd have more money. But what right did I have?

During that phone call, I asked Mark if he saw a future for us. I mean, it's a silly question to ask someone who's still married and 3K miles away, but I needed to know. He didn't necessarily hesitate, he was just trying to find the right words and the right way to explain it. If I remember, he said he didn't know. He said he still had a lot of things to sort out and he needed to figure out a place to live and needed money to do that. I think that's when I asked how long I should wait for him, and he told me not to wait, to do what I needed to do. I wanted to tell him don't worry about finding a place to live, just move here, but again, did I really expect him to go from a marriage to moving here with me, without taking any time in between for himself?

I know it's hard to expect someone to end their marriage and get a divorce and jump right into another relationship, which I think I wanted to happen. The weekend before I had mentioned that I was exhausted because I babysat 4 little girls. His response was, "Wait what" and I asked what he meant by that. He said he didn't think I had any kids, I said I didn't. So during our phone conversation I brought that up. I asked why he seemed so surprised. He said he just didn't think I had kids. I told him I didn't, and said, "Do you really think I'd keep something like that from you?" That's when I asked if he had kids. I was glad when he said no, because I knew if he did, I could never expect him to move to the other side of the country.

I asked him why he didn't have kids. He told me that his wife has some sort of health condition. He told me the name, but I don't remember. I think he said she's basically in pain all the time. I don't know if this is the reason they never had kids, because he first said he (they?) wanted kids, but then he didn't, and then he wasn't sure. Most people have an answer. For me, it's yes, 100%. But if you ask others, they don't hesitate to say no. Mark didn't have a definite answer, because I still don't think he knows. A few days later I did have a thought, that if Mark said he didn't want kids, if I'd be ok with that. If I finally had Mark, would I be ok going the rest of my life not having kids, because I knew I'd have the rest of my life with him. I still don't know the answer to that. Would I sacrifice never having kids to be with a guy I've always wanted to be with?

I still have no idea how long he's been married. At least 5 years, which is really more like 6, since I found out he was married in December 2020. At that time I wasn't sure how long he had already been married. Not every couple has kids right away, I know some that wait years. So if they wanted kids, they obviously didn't have them right away. I think he said his marriage has sucked the last 5-6 years and he had over 5 years of pent up sexual frustration. So does that mean for the last 5 years he hasn't had sex? If so, that explains why they never had kids. So many unanswered questions.

Everyone knows girls have a biological clock, and it seems like as soon as you hit 30 it ticks louder and louder and louder. Guys can have kids until they die, but it seems like once a female hits 35, they know their years are numbered. That is very true for me.

I remember talking about kids with Tom. At that time I was only 31, almost 32, and he was already 34/35. I told him I always wanted 4 kids, but knew that was almost impossible at that point. Obviously kids are expensive, and he mentioned that. I told him I wanted to have at least 2, but if both were girls or boys, we would have a third. That's why when I visited him, we didn't use any protection, because if I got pregnant, we were both ok with it. And I remember having the pregnancy scare. Part of me wanted to be pregnant, just so I could finally have a kid, which sounds horrible. Another part of me wanted a kid, in hopes that maybe that would make Tom come back. Again, another horrible thought. I was devastated when I found out I wasn't pregnant, but I also knew it was for the best. I knew that I couldn't force Tom to come back with a kid, and I knew I couldn't raise one on my own. I mean, I COULD, because I've done everything on my own, but I didn't WANT to.

So anyways... Mark and I never discussed having kids together. He never asked if I wanted kids. He could've asked me during that conversation, or at any point, but but never did. Maybe he assumes I don't want kids, but I don't feel like I ever gave him that impression. I remember telling him Tom and I had discussed getting married and having kids. But maybe he thought my pregnancy scare was really that... a scare. That it scared the shit out of me because I didn't want kids. But that wasn't why I considered it a scare.

But Mark is 40, almost 41, so maybe he feels like he's too old at this point. Maybe he feels like by the time he gets a divorce and gets his life sorted out, he'll be too old. I already know I'll never have 4 kids (unless I have twins, etc) but I still want at least 1. And my clock is ticking... FAST. I'm almost 35. In order for me to have a kid before I'm 36, I'd have to get pregnant in December or January, which is highly unlikely. So now I'm at least 36, but probably closer to 37, before I have a kid. Even if Mark and I are together at that point, he's 42, almost 43. So where is his head really at when he thinks of kids? Is that even something he's thinking about with everything else going on in his life? I doubt it.

Years ago, when I was maybe 29, Sheri at work tried hooking me up with a guy in his 40's, who already had a teenage daughter. I told her she was crazy, because by the time we dated, and maybe not married, how old would he be at that point? I said by that point he could be their grandfather, especially by the time they graduated high school. But it's different with Mark, right? Even if I had just 1 kid with him and I was 39, he'd be 45 and I wouldn't care because I'd be having a kid with HIM.

I always seem to put the cart before the horse, right? I can't just live in the present, I have to think about the future. Even years into it. But I feel like with Mark I always envisioned a future. Back in college I thought about us having a future and I'm sure for years after that. I'm sure 5 years ago, before I knew he was married I envisioned one. And I envisioned one this time around, because it seemed more real than any time before.

Maybe he doesn't realize it, but we had kind of talked about it, hadn't we?

I mean... We discussed the future, but not marriage and kids. We discussed how if I went on a vacation without him, he said he wouldn't care, but he'd pounce on me as soon as I got home. We talked about going to concerts together. We talked about going out to eat together. We talked about swimming together. Watching tv together.

We talked about fucking each other as much as possible. We talked about fucking in the morning before leaving for work and at the end of the day before bed. We talked about being able to do it all the time on the weekends. But again, we've ALWAYS talked about that. That is the one thing that has always connected us. That is one thing we always resort back to.

In the last 15 years, I've masturbated roughly 5,400 times. That's if I did it once a day, every day. I know for a fact that there are times when I didn't play every day, and I know there are times that I did it multiple times a day. So I know that that number isn't accurate. But every single time I played... I thought of Mark. That's a lot of fantasies, right? Positions, locations, words said. I've watched a lot of porn, but I still always imagined it was Mark and I in that position, or saying those words, etc.

I've thought about Mark and I fucking in a bed, on a couch, on a table, in the shower, in the car, by the pool, in the pool, on a beach. I've thought about Mark fingering me in a pool, in a car, out front of the Bellagio. I've thought about sucking his cock in the car, by the pool, in a movie theater, under the covers.

I'm not saying I've never thought about Mark fucking me in MY bed, on MY table, in MY shower, etc etc. But this time, it was different, because for probably the first time ever, Mark said he had thought about coming to visit. And any time he shared a fantasy, he would say things like: "Do you want me to bend you over your couch?" "I thought about fucking you on your table." "I fucked you on your bathroom counter." "When I came home from work you were waiting for me on your knees." Never once did he mention his place. Neither did I. So Mark is all over this house, all over my life, without knowing it. I can't look at my counter, or table or pool without thinking of Mark.

When Tom disappeared on me and I was depressed, I didn't play for that reason. I didn't play because I couldn't think of Tom, because I knew when I did I would think about Mark. I just didn't play because of how broken I was. This time? It's both. I can't and don't want to play because I'd want to think about Mark. I did play twice last Saturday. after having gone probably over a week, and after both times I had an orgasm, I bawled my eyes out. This morning, I played, after having gone over a week, and as soon as I had an orgasm, I bawled my eyes out.

So I wonder how often Mark is playing. I was surprised when the one day he told me he hadn't played the day before. I just assumed he was still this horny guy that had to get off at least once a day, but apparently not, because life gets in the way. I kind of took it personal, that I guess I wasn't talking dirty enough to him. But how many days did I suddenly start going without playing because I was frustrated and sad with him? Many. But on other days, he made me so horny it was 3. Just like that one day he said he had already played 3 times, or the time we got off the phone and he said he had to play twice.

So... that's why I wonder how often he's playing now. If he's still thinking of me. Because I am devastated and can't bring myself to play, because I can't bring myself to think about Mark. And as soon as I stop orgasming, I bawl. It's not just a few tears, it's literally my orgasm is over and I start sobbing. This morning I was crying so hard and hurting so bad, that all I wanted to do was call Mark, to see if he'd answer. All I wanted to do was leave him a voicemail. All I wanted to do was send him a txt. If my phone hadn't been out in the kitchen, I probably would've contacted him in some way.

I'm not a religious person, but it's hard to be when you feel like you keep getting shit on. I know my life isn't as bad as others, but I also know it's not as good. All the time I question why certain shit happens to me, and for others it's a damn walk in the park. I still don't know why God would put Mark back in my life, just to have him disappear and hurt me again. I don't know what the reason is, what the lesson is, because I was fine without him. I KNEW I'd hear from him again, but another part of me thought it was seriously over between us, that he and his wife worked shit out. So why the hell did God put him back into my life?

You always think... What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Because for the longest time after Tom disappeared, I thought that. I thought that it was something I said, or something I did. I thought I wasn't good enough for him. And I eventually came to terms that there was nothing wrong with me. I am who I am and I can't change and Tom couldn't handle me and I deserved to find someone who did.

So again... What did I do wrong that I'm not good enough for Mark? Because it seemed like Mark was fine with things. I am aware I got emotional, but I explained to Mark that when I get frustrated, I cry. I have done this for as long as I can remember. It seemed like I was always frustrated with something Mark did, and I cried because of it. I am aware that I can control my feelings. If I hadn't let myself get frustrated, I wouldn't have been emotional. But it's just how I am.

I remember Tom telling me I had to open up and tell him things, but when I did he got annoyed and said I was emotional, therefore, that frustrated me, and I got more emotional. Just with Mark he told me to always let him know when I was frustrated. Well, I did. Apparently that backfired, didn't it? Why do guys tell you to do something, and when you do, it gets to be too much for them and they bail?

Again, so much has happened in my past that I never have the chance to explain to someone before they bail. If I could explain why I am the way I am, then maybe they would understand the way I am. But I never have that fucking chance. So every time a guy ruins me, I put up another wall. And I have yet to find a guy that can climb those walls and make it over the other side. So every time a guy (or person) hurts me, another wall goes up. How will I ever find a guy to get past all these walls? I thought it was Mark. I don't know.
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work seriously?!?!?
by The Avon Lady

 stressed the f out. was told today i need to do prep faster or its my job basically and scheduled for 12 hours this week?!?!? Wth!!  so orginally when i got a chance to look at the schedule, i was schedule 8-10 am today but was told when i called yesterday to check on the schedule to come in at 7am.  next day i work is 10am-2:30 on wednesday, and 8am -2 pm on saturday? how the fuck am i supposed to improve if you only have me working 3 days a week? 


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Diving back into the dating pool at (almost) 30 has been exhausting. I have never been married and I do not have any children. I own my house. My car is paid off. I have no credit card debt. And I don't mean to sound vain, but I am not too terrible to look at. Dating should not be this difficult. My ex and I broke up at the beginning of May after being together for almost 2.5 years and living together for 2 of them. It was honestly the best thing. The amount of disrespect and manipulation I endured over those years still haunts me, but we'll save that story for another time. So anyway, here I am. 40 days shy of being 30 years old, but who's counting? I have been on a few first dates. They weren't all bad. I have made a couple of good friends from unsuccessful dates. However, only one guy so far as managed to make it passed the first date. We'll call him TK. At first everything was really great. We hit it off right away. We had a steamy kiss at the end of the night and I was SWOONING. We were talking every day. He would text me good morning. He came to my house for our second and third "date." For our third date, he slept over. It was a weekday and so cute because it felt like the future to me. I woke up to his alarm at 5:30am and walked him out. I kissed him goodbye and that was the last time I saw him. That was almost a week ago. He slept over, so I will let your imagination run wild with ideas of what we may or may not have done that night. Since then, he's been really distant. He has canceled plans with me. He has said things like "we'll hang out this weekend" and then ignored my messages (and I am NOT one of those people that will keep messaging. I refuse to beg for someone to talk to me). So yesterday he messages me and tells me he's just been so busy and he apologized. Obviously I forgave him, but I had to give him a hard time first. I asked if he even likes me because he doesn't act like it. He SAYS he does, but I'm a firm believer in "actions speak louder than words." He told me he was going to take me to dinner tonight, but now it sounds like he's canceling that, too. Do I call a spade a spade and leave with my dignity or should I give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he really has just been really busy and continue to pursue something with him? 

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Dragonfly & More Dreams
by Concrete Rose
The other day when I was out in the pool, I saw a dragonfly in the water (still alive). So I pushed it over towards my pool cover, so it could get up on it and dry off. It stayed there for quite a while, and each time I came around on my float, I looked for it. I knew it was alive because it would change positions. Eventually it flew off.

The last time I saw a dragonfly was when I was still living in Vegas. I remember being in the pool, floating on my back, and it was flying around above me. I don't remember if I researched the symbolism of seeing a dragonfly when I lived in Vegas. I feel like I did, but I obviously forgot all about it. And I didn't research it a few days ago, but this morning I decided to.

Here are some interesting things I found:


The thing that makes dragonflies so unique and special is that they have very short lives. They don’t have any time to waste, so when they are near you, you can bet they have a VERY good reason.

Usually, they are there to tell you something important. If you are very stressed, always thinking about the past or what you need to do, chances are that a dragonfly will pay you a visit.

It’ll be there to tell you, that you should remember to be in the moment and maybe that you need to change some things in your life.

Also, when you are in a bad relationship, wasting your time at work or worry too much, they like to pay a visit to tell you about how you can change and make a transformation in your life.


Change and transformation
Joy, lightness of being
Symbol of the realm of emotions, invitation to dive deeper into your feeling
Being on the lookout for illusions and deceits, whether are external or personal
Connection with nature’s spirits and fairies


So it makes sense when one visited me while living in Vegas, because I had a rough time. And I guess it makes sense one is visiting me now, because things aren't going so well. I actually have a dragonfly tattoo, and I didn't get it for the symbolism, but now I guess it all makes sense. How many times have I had to adapt, or deal with change? 'Change' and 'transformation' are repeated. But the one thing I KNOW I need to change, I don't want to change.


Last night I had so many fucking dreams, and Mark was in all of them. I think there were about 5, but the longer I'm awake, the less I remember. This time he wasn't physically in any of them, but we were still txting, meaning we were still talking.

In one of them I was up at the town pool and I was txting Mark.

In another I was in some sort of a baking/cooking competition. Long story short, I got pissed off and I remember wanting to tell Mark all about it.

In another I mentioned something about a Hanson concert, he thought I was at one (I wasn't, it was a virtual one), said we'd talk later and then said, "I love you bunches" with the heart emoji. I know in this dream he must've still been out in CA, because if he was here, he would've known it was a virtual one and that I wasn't actually at one. But apparently our "relationship" was at the point where he was telling me he loved me.

In another dream I had a daughter. She was the cutest thing, I'd say between 1 and 2. What's weird is the dream started out with my dog being in it, and then at some point I was holding an actual child. I remember her doing something really cute, and I couldn't wait to txt Mark about it. I have no idea who's kid it was, but I don't think it belonged to Mark, because I remember thinking that he was ok with me having a kid.


It's hard to have so many dreams and not be able to tell Mark about any of them. But I know if we were still talking, I wouldn't be having any of these dreams. I remember telling him that if things are going ok in my life, I don't dream. (Or I don't remember them.) But if things are shitty, I dream, and they usually aren't fun ones.

I had a horrible dream about a month ago. I must've been out in CA with Mark. His wife was practically on her deathbed. I remember him coming to me and telling me she didn't have much time, and then he got on the couch with me and I held him. I told him this dream. I told him I wasn't a monster, that I would never wish his wife dead. He said he understood, that it was just a dream, but that it definitely fucks with you. I told him that it was interesting that his wife was almost dead and he still chose to be with me.

Again, it's just a dream, and it was my dream. So of course in my dream, he was with me and not her.
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by Concrete Rose
Time is a funny thing. When things are going good, time seems to fly by, right? Like has anyone taken a vacation and has said, "Time is going soooo slow?" No. It's over in the blink of an eye. But no matter what, there are still 24 hours in a day, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds.

When it came to me and Mark, time flew by. Those 41 days felt like they were over before they started. If I knew they were going to be over so fast, I would've asked time to slow down. I would've done things differently, said different things.

When I talked to Mark, there was never enough time in the day.

When there's a 3 hour time difference, you're already losing 6 hours with someone. I'm awake 3 hours before he is and I'm in bed 3 hours before he is.

Is. Was. What am I supposed to be using? I don't know.

We talked about the time difference many times. We both said it sucked.

And I watched the clock. All the fucking time.

7 AM. I'm awake, he's still in bed.

10AM. Is he waking up, getting ready for work?

10AM - ???? I haven't heard from Mark yet.

I watched the clock all the time and noticed when he first sent me a txt, how long in between txts, when he last sent a txt. The days flew by so fucking fast. And now? Time stands still. It's only 9AM. It's only 10AM. It's only 11AM. It's only 2PM. It's only 5PM. It's only 7PM. I can't wait for 9PM, because that's what time I seem to be falling asleep lately. I don't know if it's from being mentally and emotionally exhausted, having a broken heart, or just wanting the day to (finally) be over with.

But every day that goes by, is another day I haven't heard from Mark.

When he first started talking to me again, that first week I heard from him when he first woke up and before he went to bed. But as the weeks went by, it seemed like there were days I didn't hear from him until noon, 1, 4, etc etc etc. The one day I never heard from him until 9 PM, and I pointed that out. Hardly ever did I hear from him before he went to bed anymore.

I never stopped thinking about Mark. I still do. During one of our last phone conversations, I expressed this. I said around 10AM I genuinely wondered what he was doing. By as the hours went by I curiously wondered what he was doing. And then some days it would get to the point where I frustratingly wondered what he was doing. Because some days it took him that long to txt me.

Because when someone goes hours without talking to you, 34956704 thoughts are running through your head. The big one being, why aren't they talking to me?

I told Mark I could talk to him all day, every day. I wanted to learn everything about him. I wanted to hear his voice. His laugh. I said he could read a cereal box and I'd tell him to do it again. I wanted to hear about his work. His shitty days. Some times when we talked, he would go on and on about something, and then just be like, "But, yeah... so anyways." Like he thought he was boring me. But everything was new to me, right? I wanted to hear everything. And even if I heard it 3058 times before, I would still want to hear it again.

I said I could txt him as soon as I woke up, but what was the point, because I still wouldn't hear from him for hours. I never sent him a txt when I went to bed and I never put my phone on silent when I did. I pretended like I was awake all the time so I could talk to him.

Mark has always had a demanding job. I'm not making up excuses for him, it's a fact. Playing with numbers all day, doing payroll, it's a demanding job. I get it. I joked with him one time that some days with my job I don't do anything. I screw around, play games, and leave paperwork on my desk so it looks like I'm busy.

I also told him we have two different lives. Not just with our jobs, our personal lives. I said I come home and get in the pool for hours, eventually eat dinner, watch tv and go to bed. If I have to run errands, it's right after work, and I'm still home around 4ish. If I go and get groceries, it's about once every 2 weeks and I can be done in 2 hours.

I don't sit in traffic to get to work or come home. I'm not running errands every day. I'm not working overtime. I'm not still married and juggling two people.

So I had the time to watch the clock, to wait for that first txt message, to respond within minutes (or hours, if I was in the pool). But never was I going 12 hours without talking to him. I said to him all the time, "It feels like you aren't thinking of me, like I don't matter. Why can't you txt me when you first wake up, or when you go to the bathroom, or during a lunch break, or sitting in traffic? Why don't you txt me before you go to bed anymore?"

So I get that if you're busy at work, or in meetings, you can't talk to me... but how many times a day do you look at your phone? You're choosing not to talk to me. You're choosing to leave your phone in your car and not talk to me. You're choosing to give your phone to your wife and not talk to me.

He said he was a slow texter and I said it just made me feel unimportant. Maybe he became a slow texter when things got shitty with his wife, because he didn't want to txt her, or whatever the reason was. But I expressed to him that I'm not his wife. Whatever happened to make him do what he does, he can't do that with me. I said I didn't do anything to you and you can't treat me the same way.

I just feel like we had that conversation all the time. And I kept pointing out that communication was all we had. Our fucking phones were all we had. I said to him, "What If I stopped txting you when I got done with work? So that'd be 1PM your time. How would that make you feel?" He said he would feel the same way I did.

I also said that if I chose not to talk to him, like he was choosing not to talk to me, that we would never talk to each other. Because if he woke up and I never heard from him for 6 hours, and if I went 6 hours before txting him back, we would only say 2 things to each other, because we really only had about 12 hours in a day.

I never wanted to play tit for tat with Mark, and the one day I tried, and lasted 2 hours. I always wanted to prove a point, but if I proved a point we wouldn't talk. I don't think that ever phased him. Because he was so busy or a slow texter, I'm not sure if me going 6 hours would've even phased him.

The one day when I was frustrated with him and made him call me when he first woke up, he said to me, "We talked yesterday, didn't we?" (Now that I'm recalling that, it hurts that he couldn't remember if we had talked.) So I explained to him that we do talk, every single day. But the problem was that after a certain time, I'd never hear from him again. I explained that the one day he sent me a txt at 3PM, and I never heard from him until 3PM the next day. That's a whole 24 hours. Yes, we talked every day, but I don't think he 100% understood when he came down to the hours. And I shouldn't have let this bother me, but it did (thanks to Tom).

Again, he said he understood, that he had to get better at it. He explained that sometimes he'd leave his phone in his car on purpose. Or that he was busy dealing with his wife. So I explained it just felt like I didn't matter.

It was literally a fucking circle with things and I explained it over and over and over. Every time he said he understood.

Never once did I write about any GOOD memories. And as much as I bitch, there are good memories, and I never want to forget them. Years from now, don't I want to be able to go back and read them? Years from now, will I still be single with no kids? Will I be with another guy, married or not married, with kids or without kids? Will I be with Mark, married or not married, with kids or without kids?

During one of our phone conversations he said "up shit creek" but pronounced the 'creek' like 'crick' and I said around here we say it like 'crick' but one time at work we had a discussion where they pronounced it like 'creek' and I said that made no sense. So one time we were talking about weather and I said we getting so much rain this year, but last year it was so hot and dry we didn't have to mow lawns for a month and the creeks were all dried up. But I pronounced it like crick and he pointed it out and joked about it.

And it seemed like we talked about the weather all the fucking time. Because everyone knows if you have nothing better to talk about, talk about the weather. But I don't think that's how it was with us. I think we talked about the weather because of me being able to swim, or the droughts out in CA. I remember weeks ago, asking Mark what his favorite season was. He never did tell me, but I want to say it's not Summer. Because he complained how it was hot out. He said when he went to Vegas it was in September and it was hot. He has no idea what my favorite season is. It's Summer, Mark. My favorite season is Summer...

I finally know that his favorite food is steak and potatoes, or lasagna. I know he likes Imagine Dragons, The Offspring, and some other band I never even heard of. (But I did look them up on Youtube, and they seem like a band I would've liked.) I know he likes The Simpsons. I know he likes coffee ice cream, but as a kid it was french vanilla. I know he has no tattoos, that he prefers dogs over cats. I know he was a lifeguard at some point. I know that he doesn't like driving long distances at night anymore.

But I feel like that's the extent of it. And all of these things I learned about in 42 days. I never knew any of this stuff within the last 15 years. Some of these things were asked, and other things just came up in conversation.

Mark tried, but he didn't try hard enough.

I went to a Hanson concert exactly 4 weeks ago. He sent me a txt in the morning, telling me to have fun. We talked here and there during my drive down and then before the concert started. He asked why I wasn't staying over night, because I told him I wouldn't get home until 4AM. I said I would rather get home at 4AM, then at 2PM, and that traffic would be better at night. I said he should call me and help me stay awake.

He did call me. At midnight. When I finally decided to stop to get gas, pee, and get something to eat. I told him this and that I would call him back in 15 minutes. I did. I called him back as soon as I got back on the road and he didn't answer. I sent him a txt and never heard from him again. So the next day I was pissed, right? And I told him this. I asked why he didn't call me back. He said he fell asleep around 10:30 (his time). I said that was 90 minutes after he first called me, about 70 minutes after I tried calling him back.

2 weeks ago, on a Saturday, Mark called me in the afternoon, after I said I wanted to call him, but since I hadn't heard anything in 6 hours, I wasn't going to put in more effort. So he called me, and explained he tried calling earlier and his phone said the call couldn't be completed. Why didn't he try calling again? Why didn't he wait a minute, 5, 10, and try calling again?

So this goes into the next day, right? When he left his phone somewhere else, and tried calling me, and said the call wouldn't go through. So I was pissed and fired off a txt (2 hours later) that said it boggled me that he didn't try again. So... he didn't try hard enough. Or maybe he just didn't want to try hard enough.

But again... shitty memories, right?

I remember the Wednesday he called me during my dinner break. I was annoyed earlier when he said he'd make time to hear me cum, but couldn't make the time to call me. But he did. He found time to call me and we talked for 20 minutes. But... I never heard from him again that day. I finally heard back the next day and he said he came twice after talking to me.

And that's how it was with us. He tried so fucking hard, and I thought things were ok, and then he'd choose not to talk to me, I got pissed/frustrated/annoyed, I called him out on it, and it started over again. He tried, we were ok, then we weren't, annoyed. Over and over and over.

I TOLD HIM THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

Things shouldn't have been that fucking hard. If I didn't became so fucking attached, if he had tried just a little bit harder, would we still be talking?

It seems like a lot of good memories start out good, and end up being shitty.

I miss hearing him laugh. I didn't hear it enough.

I miss him so much. Mark, I miss you so much.

Just one txt. Just a 1 minute phone call. That's all I want.
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Part 3..Brittany..
by emptyroom

After that first night, I knew B was the most beautiful person I had ever seen and I was head over heels for her. Plus, I got to talk to her that night for several hours and she was down to earth, easy going and I didnt see anything that would tell me to not at least get to know her a bit better.


I found out where B worked from Ali and since she was a hairdresser, it made it easy to get things set up. I booked a hair appointment under an alias. A few days later I showed up to the appointment and when I walked in B looked up and had the biggest smile on her face. I checked in and B came over and asked what I was doing there and I was like, Im your 430 appointment! She loved it, she was super excited and from the second I sat in that chair, the conversation just flowed.


It didnt take long and she threw out the "are you dating anyone?" question to which I said, no, are you seeing anyone?? Thankfully she said no while having the biggest smile on her face. At that point, I knew that this girl was at least a little bit interested, so I went for it and asked her out on a date and she said yes without any hesitation. I got back to the apartment later that evening and Ali was there on the couch wondering what I had been doing. I told her what I did and how I asked B out and Ali seemed a bit taken aback, but I really didnt care.


So, first date with B was great, low key dinner at a local resturant. After that I took her back to the apartment because all of my friends were coming over to just hang out and have some drinks. I introduced B to everyone and we all had a great time that night, it was a blast and a night I will never forget. I could tell B was having an awesome time and getting along with all my friends. After a few games of beer pong B looked at me and said she wanted to go for a swim in the pool. Mind you it was late, pool was technically closed but I was like yea, lets go for a swim.


B looked amazing that night and I knew I wanted to kiss her. As soon as we got in the pool, she came right up and we had the most amazing first kiss. I remember shaking after we kissed and she asked if I was okay and I was like yea, I really like you and Im just really happy right now. We didnt stay long in the pool, we went back to the apartment and she asked if she could spend the night and I wasnt about to say no. I offered to sleep on the couch and she told me there was no way, she wanted me by her side.


B and I spent most that night talking the night away, I hardly got any sleep, which was fine, cause I was starting to really like this girl. I knew from the moment I saw her that I wanted to get to know this girl. I started to feel like the pieces of my life were starting to fall into place. The best summer of my life was already getting even better. B and I started seeing each other every day and the nights over became more frequent. B started to fit into the group like she had known us for years and it was super comfortable to be around her all the time.


After several weeks of B and I hanging out nonstop there was finally a moment that caught me off guard and changed things...I was in the kitchen with Ali and were both making seperate dinners that night but she acted like she cut her finger when I wasnt looking and when I got close and went to look at her finger, she laid a kiss on me that had some meaning behind it...I was speechless... be continued..

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So Sunday and Monday of this past week have provided some strange an entertaining moments. 


Let's start with Sunday morning. First thing in the morning a woman dragged her shopping bag full of treasures across the parking lot of my place of employment. She sat under the shade of a tree there and proceeded to scream and yell at the top of her lungs. About what, you may ask? About everything. At one point it was about Pringles and religion. We had to call the police on her twice because once wasn't enough. She was told to move on and only moved as far as the road sign on the other side of the parking lot. And then after moving twice, she finally skidaddled off to wherever it was she ended up for the day. 


Later on in the afternoon I let a young man in hospital scrubs into the bathroom because he had forgetten his bag in there earlier. I don't think anything of it and continue on with my work. About fifteen minutes later I overhear a customer telling another customer how he had just walked in on a guy laying on the floor of the mens bathroom doing a Whinnie The Pooh impersonation. First of all, who decides they need to lay on the floor of a public bathroom? Second, why would you take your pants and underwear off (shoes too)? Third, why didn't you lock the door bro? When I told Craig about it (because as a female, I am not going to investigate THAT), he went to check on the guy and he mysteriously disappeared. We can only assume he dressed in a hurry and fucked off. Of course, I saw him walking by the windows the next day and crossed my fingers he didn't come in for a round two.


And then on Monday. Oh boy, Monday. I was serving a customer when we both happened to glance out the window. I had noticed earlier that a GardaWorld car was parked in the next parking lot over and a large man had been standing there smoking. This time, while chatting about the weather, the customer I was serving looked out the window as I did. And we watched as a hooker exited the front passenger side of the car, tug down her dress (one could argue it was a shirt it was so short), and then scamper off down the sidewalk like nothing happened. And then the car started and the GardaWorld car drove away. We just looked at each other, equally bewildered but also amused. Because when crazy shit happens in front of you, all you can hope to do is shrug and laugh.

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So here I was just chilling on the couch one evening and I heard the keys jiggling around in the lock. I turn towards the door and as the door opens, there stands this petite 5'1" brunette girl. She says "hi, Im Ali" and I introduce myself to her and shake her hand. She asked for my help carrying a few things in from her car so I helped her get her items and get her situated.


After she gathered her things and got settled in to her room, she came over to my room and knocked my door to ask if I wanted to have a drink with her. I obliged and she cracks out a couple bottles of wine and says "I hope you like wine, cause I love it and I drink it all the time." At this point I was like heck yea, I will have some wine, I dont mind it one  bit. As we sat and had our first glass the strangest feeling rushed over me. The conversation just flowed, we laughed, we joked as we shared our stories with each other. Well, before I knew it, 2 bottles of wine were gone and it was 3am, I had to be at work by 6 so it was gonna be a struggle the next day at work.


Anyway, I made it to work, got through the day and then my buddy asked me if I wanted to go to the pool after work and hangout. So I got off work and he came over and we loaded up the cooler, Ali was tucked away in her room so I went and gently knocked and she opened the door so I could offer up joining us at the pool to which she politely declined. So my boy P and I went down to the pool and were chilling and he started asking me about her and all her information. I told P that her and I just met but the conversation was incredible and I had this feeling like I had known her for a good part of my life.


As Im telling P all this, my phone goes off and its Ali (cause we exchanged numbers the night before). She wants to know how to get down to the pool so I run back to the apartment and grab her and walk with her down to the pool. I also want to note that Ali looked really stunning in a bathing suit, it caught me off guard at first when I saw her just standing there in the living room. So I introduce her to P and we all sat around that evening at the pool just shooting the shit, it was really nice. After that we fired up the grill and made some burgers, which were delicious cause P has some mad grill skill.


So lets fast forward about 2 weeks, at this point Ali has pretty much fit right in with my group of friends and shes making her own connections and she had found a job. Everything was going really well, Ali I flirted like crazy every night and always shared a bottle of wine after work. Things were going really well and I was enjoying her company like crazy. It was obvious we had a connection and honestly for the first time in my life I was telling myself to just ride it out, dont get caught up in feelings and emotions. I just wanted to plan on having zero feelings and just going with the flow of things.


Then one evening Ali and I are on the patio having a drink and talking and she mentions that her best friend was going to stop by cause they hadnt seen each other in a few months. Apparently her best friend did the same thing, got outta college and wanted to live in the big city so she had moved as well and had gotten a job in a neighboring city. Anyway, Im like yea, thats cool and Ali was like, yea you will like her, shes really down to earth. After about a half hour or so I see this girl walking through the parking lot and I stood up out of my chair and was like, holy shit, who is this girl walking through the parking lot, shes gorgeous!! Ali stands up and goes, oh, thats my best friend Brittany!!


Im thinking to myself, holy smokes, this girl is a show stopper and I cannot wait to meet her. I literally watched Britanny walk up to us and I was in awe. I decided right then and there, that I was going to do everything I could to make Brittany like me. I wanted this girl in my world. The three of us spent a good chunk of the night talking and just hanging out, it was an incredible evening. Thats where I felt for the first time like this was going to be the best summer of my life, theres no turning back at this point and I couldnt wait to wake up everyday. Welcome to my world Brittany.... be continued..

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Up in the air
by valencia
Last entry I talked about my landlord renewing my lease and my struggle with that, well my landlord has not given me the new contract and my renewal date came and went. The last time she texted me, she said she would be emailing me the lease so I can sign my new contract. I am not going to remind her because maybe she will just forget and hopefully soon I could move. I bought my plane ticket for Labor Day weekend, and booked my hotel room. I am trying to create a day out in San Francisco for Ryan and I.

My plan was to do brunch in his town, then catch the train into the city, then either do a boat tour first or the Anime Museum then have lunch, then go to activity number two which is the boat tour or the Museum, then either the place where we can smash things, or an Escape Room, then dinner and drinks in town. I was planning that day to be Saturday, like surprise after surprise for him. He would love the Anime Museum.

8:00 AM- Light Breakfast perhaps?
Train to San Francisco
Boat Tour
Anime Museum
Escape Room
OR Smash Things
Dinner & Drinks

Not sure though. Friday I come in early in the morning, my plane lands in Oakland at 7:15 AM so I was thinking we just spend the whole day together in the hotel, order in so we can have a fun filled day on Saturday. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, we will hang around his town, we want to look at some apartments and homes together and see where we want to end up living, what area of the bay area. We also want to watch some Netflix shows and movies together, so there will be plenty of that.

Anyways I am at work, and have nothing to do. My boss is not coming in. I do have things to do but other than that, nothing else. The stuff that I do have, can be done in like 30 minutes.

This weekend, I have plans with my DSA group. We are going to go support a local comrade that is a struggling musician, then we have a group get together to talk about National and the delegates that got chosen, and going to drink at a ice house and dinner with them, but before that outing on Saturday I am going to a local book fair that a local place is hosting. So I will be keeping myself busy this weekend. Last weekend I chilled and stayed home. Anyways I can't wait for Labor Day because I will be reunited with my boyfriend, and I miss him so much. Ugh!

Peace, Valencia
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by Concrete Rose
I dream about Mark now more than ever.

He supposedly always had dreams about me, sexual ones. He said it's because he thought of me before he went to sleep.

I thought about him non-stop and I hardly ever dreamt about him. Now? All the time. Of course they aren't sexual.

Last night I had a dream that we were at the movies. Of course we always joked about what we'd do at the movies, but none of that happened in my dream.

Instead, I remember falling asleep on the armrest and hearing a guy say "We're in a movie theater. Get your head out of his lap. What's wrong with you?"

It wasn't until the guy said these words in my ear, did I wake up and realize he was talking to me. He thought I was the one with my head in someone's lap.

So I turned around and gave him a piece of my mind. I said I fell asleep on the armrest, that my head wasn't in his lap. I told him he was a piece of shit. I'm pretty sure I called him a motherfucker more than once.

Apparently Mark had fallen asleep, too, and hearing me yelling at this guy woke him up. He stood up for me, and I'm pretty sure he got into a scuffle, because we ended up out in the lobby and were told to leave. I remember having to go back into the theater to get our popcorn bucket.

When I went outside I noticed it had snowed. I couldn't find Mark, he wasn't in or by the car. He was actually over in a snow pile, making snow balls and he threw one towards me.

He came over and I asked if he'd drive home and he said sure.

When we got into the car, we noticed people coming out of the theater. I said, "Really? We couldn't stay awake for 15 more minutes to see the end of the movie? I guess we'll have to watch it at home, where we'll probably fall asleep again." And then we laughed.

I woke up after that.

If I remember correctly, I was pregnant.


That's not the first dream I've had about pregnancy/babies involving Mark. A few weeks ago (or probably a month ago at this point) I had a dream where I checked my phone and had 3 txts from Mark.

Mark: I have something to tell you.
Mark: I've always wanted 5 or 6 kids.
Mark: And now I know I want to have them with you.
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by Concrete Rose
Yesterday I txted Mark again. I sent him one in the morning, before he would've been awake. And then I sent one when I got home from work. I never heard from him. I had been working on an email for days, giving him a (final?) ultimatum. I finally sent it today. I was going to txt him and let him know, but what's the point? I think he's getting my txts, because when I sent an image on Sunday it said delivered, but I honestly don't know. He has an iphone on Tmobile, so any regular txt has only ever said sent, and only the images ever said delivered. For all I know I could be blocked.

Of course my ultimatum is all over the place. I tell him to leave me alone, but also to never stop contacting me.

My heart still hurts. I'm still crying, though not as much (right now). The simplest things can set me off. I can watch a tv show and something they say, or a song playing, can start making me cry. I can remember a phone call, or something he said to me, and I can start crying.

The last time he disappeared, I knew he'd be back eventually, it just took 5 years. This time? I don't know. It hurts to say that I honestly don't know. This time, shit got real. We had real conversations, we discussed real things. It wasn't just a bunch of sexting. He finally witnessed the real me. And I guess I got to witness real parts of him, too. But I want to witness all the parts of him.

I think he knows if he comes back again, he needs to be divorced. I want to have hope that if I hear from him months from now, it's because he's finally in the process of getting one. That he's finally sorting things out.

As much as he has hurt me, I still want him to be happy at the end of the day. I still want what's best for him, even if I'm not in the picture. I hope that things I said to him, are still running through his mind. I hope I'm still running through his mind.

I told him not to settle. I told him if he's not happy in his marriage, he needs to end it. I told him he shouldn't have to sleep in a car or on a couch, or wherever he was sleeping. He shouldn't be annoyed having to run errands for the person he's married to. He shouldn't argue every time he's in the same room to the person he's married to. I told him he deserved to take breaks at work. I told him he shouldn't have to work so much. So I hope, when he's annoyed running errands, he's thinking of me. I hope when he gets done arguing with his wife, he's thinking of me. I hope when work is stressing him out, he's thinking of me, and takes a break.

I just don't want him to think that he's hurt me so bad, or hurt me enough, to never come back. I will always want him to come back. Always, always, always.


mark, it kills me to say this, but i am giving you one final ultimatum. I dont want you to ever delete my number or throw it away. i never want to change my phone number or email so you can you can always keep finding me....

But you cannot keep hurting me and i cannot keep letting. you keep taking pieces of my heart. More than vegas and san diego and tom all put together. You have more pieces of my heart than anything or anyone I know. someone i've never met or touched, someone i've only talked to through a computer or phone, someone i havent seen a picture of in 15 years, has tons of pieces of my heart

What hurts the most, and i will say this until I am blue in the face, is that you heard me say dont disappear on me again. You agreed. You heard me say I deserved better. You agreed. I never thought youd disappear again, especially without telling me.

If youre trying to sort shit out, have the common decency to let me know. If you know youre hurting me and backing off, let me know. if you have decided to stay married and stay with your wife, let me know. i think you know you are hurting me and dont know how to handle it. I want you to realize youre hurting me and do something about it. Just dont leave me. For the 10th time. Please

this time im not telling you to call me in minutes or hours, im giving you days. You have until july 31 to reach out. txt, call, email. i dont fucking care.

Ask yourself these questions before making a final choice:

Why have you kept my number?
Why do you keep coming back to me over and over?
Why do you keep coming back even when you had girlfriends, even when you have/had a wife?
Why do you keep disappearing with no explanation?
Why do you keep hurting me?
Why have you kept my number?
Why do you keep coming back to me over and over?
Are you ready to let me go for good? (no)

If you read this any time between july 20 and july 31 and i dont hear from you, you get no more chances. realize that you are going to lose possibly the best thing that could ever happen to you. you are going to lose someone who kept giving you chances, who kept taking you back, who kept forgiving you for your mistakes, who tried to make you happy. if i dont hear from you, leave me alone. Delete my #. Wherever you've kept it the last 5, 10, 15 years, get rid of it. I will never delete your #, but I have never left, right? I have always been here, haven't i?

I shouldn't say this, because its just one more chance...

But if you dont check or choose to ignore this email and read it after july 31, reach out to me. I will still respond, because I cant say no. But have proof that I mean something to you, that im not a game. That im not an idiot. what that proof is, i dont know. i said in another email it better be a plane ticket to buffalo. but now? i dont know. i dont want to tell you what to do. you need to figure that out on your own.

(and i know this makes no sense. i tell you to leave me alone, to delete my #, but im also telling you to keep my number, to never stop reaching out to me. and it's because i cant let you go. i never want to say goodbye to you. i told you that. you could lie and say you never read this email until after july 31, that you never read it until october and i would believe you and i would take you back.)

how many times did you hear me cry, just out of frustration? i dont think it was all frustration. i think some of it was sadness, and me also being upset, angry, mad. but you ignoring me, that hurts the most. Since june 1, it seems like every day that I am sad, it has rained. And the days it rained the hardest, are the days I cried the hardest. The days you made me the happiest, were gorgeous. How ironic. just this last weekend, we had flash flooding. it rained and rained and rained. and you know what? i cried and cried and cried. I cry all the time now. Not from frustration anymore, but from a broken heart.

i bitched at you for going hours without talking to me, for only giving me 5-10 minutes out of the day. what i would do to have that back. what i would do to get just 1 txt from you a day. to hear your voice, even if only for 5 minutes a week. what i would do to hear a story, to know that you came thinking about me.

i really did buy tickets to that football game. i even emailed you the confirmation. i can resell them, but i will wait. i will fucking wait for you. i will wait months. i didnt buy those tickets to try to win you back. i bought those tickets because i have faith. maybe we need to meet, to get it out of our systems. fuck for an entire week and then never talk to each other again. because isnt that what we both want, to fuck each other? to do everything we've ever txted or talked about?

We have been here before, more times than I actually remembered. This time felt different. I truly thought it was different. You called me every time I told you to (until you didn't). You answered my call during a meeting. You called me when you woke up. but never once did you ask me to call you. i would've. i would've stopped what i was doing and called you in a heartbeat.

do you realize that every time we talked on the phone, you thanked me for answering? why? did you think there would be a time when i wouldnt? (because there ended up being a time, wasnt there? and then you stopped talking to me.) yet i always had to tell you i appreciated you calling, that it meant something to me. so why did you always have to thank me, and why did i always have to tell you i appreciated it?

You like numbers, right? Since 2011 you have come and gone from my life 9 times. The only reason I know this, is because I kept an online diary and went back and read everything I wrote. Sadly the site crashed and i have nothing from before 2008. but every time you disappeared, i never got a warning. just like this time. are you aware that you've been ghosting me before it was even a term? You ghosted me in 2011, 4 years before it was made a term. (and we were sexting before that was a term, too. 7 years before it was, actually).

But the excuses and reasons were always the same and still are. Work. Phone issues. A girl. And this time you added that your wife took your phone or you left it somewhere. (are you always that forgetful?)

Here is the link to my diary.

Every entry you have access to (without being a member) mentions you in it. Im still writing about you. Sometimes just a sentence, sometimes the entire entry is about you. Go back to the oldest entry. Spend just 1 hour and read them all. Your name is in bold, so you know where to start reading.

Read them and see how much you hurt me over the last 10 documented years. How much I missed you all the time. How many chances I gave you. I still miss you and im still giving you chances. You have hurt me over and over and over again and I still kept taking you back. I would still take you back.

My phone doesn't go to work with me or go to bed with me or outside by the pool. The only person I want a txt or phone call from is you. I only check my phone 4 times a day now and there is never anything from you. during the evenings or on the weekends i shove it in a drawer so im not tempted to look at it. ill leave it in the guest bathroom on purpose. i keep it as far away from me as possible.

but hearing nothing from you proves i mean nothing to you, right? You said I wasnt a game, but I am, arent i? do you get a high off coming back and ruining me? does it give you an ego boost, that i cant stay away from you? do you enjoy having me in the palm of your hand? i told you that you are the master and i am the puppet. cat and mouse. marco, polo.

I dont know how you stopped talking to me so easily. What did I do that was so horrible? what did i do that was worse than giving a shit? than still talking to you while you are married? i was being patient, so fucking patient.... i even told you i was trusting you, that i was giving you so many chances. I told you I would be blunt. Did you not believe me?

Im sorry for making you call me. Im sorry for making you txt me. Im sorry for telling you to get a new phone and phone number. but you kept saying you understood. you said i wasnt making you do shit. you said you needed a new phone. you said you wanted to go get it looked at. did you do that? i want to say no, because as soon as you stopped talking to me, you didnt have to worry about connection issues, right?

did it get too hard to juggle me, too? between your wife, work and errands, i was just one more thing you had to juggle, right? and i wasnt letting you off the hook. it wasnt because i got clingy... it's because i wanted you to show me that you cared, that i wasnt a game, that i meant something. because we had been here so many times before, i wasnt going to let you off the hook. but at night you couldnt juggle both of us. your wife needed you for whatever reason, but i needed you, too. and when you gave her your phone, you forgot about me needing you.

You said I was easy to talk to, a distraction. I was easy to talk to until i wasnt, right? When I started asking questions or wanting your attention. When shit got real you started to distance yourself. I didn't get clingy, I wanted clarity. Theres a difference. Last friday you told me to never stop telling you i was frustrated. You always let me rant and vent and bitch. Never once did you tell me if something I was doing was pissing you off or frustrating you. Never once did you raise your voice. I wanted to tell you that if I was doing things to piss you off, to tell me, but I never had the chance. So many things I wanted to say that I never got a chance to say, because it got too hard.

I wish I had let you leave me alone when you said you should. I wish I would've told you to sort things out and then resurface. I wish I had played hard to get. I wish I had let you miss me more than I missed you. I wish I made you fight for me. Instead I fought for you. I still am. Do you realize that? Your wife gave up on you. The person you vowed to share the rest of your life with, gave up on you. But I am STILL fighting. but if i had let you leave me alone, then i wouldnt have had 42 more days with you. i wouldnt have those voicemails or all those phone calls. i wouldnt have heard you laugh. i dont know what wouldve been worse.

I thought after 15 years, this was finally it. It was happening for a reason. But it was never easy between us, was it? Why couldn't it be? Is it your fault? Are you truly a bad guy? Or is it me? Was it both of us?

i keep going back and forth with that. Deep down, I dont believe you are a bad guy, but some days its hard not to think that, because of how you are treating me. I think you have made horrible choices in your life, we all have, some worse than others. I think you need to figure out why you keep cheating, or why you keep coming and going from my life. Because you cant stay away from me. you tried for 5 years, but you still came back. Why is that? Am I your drug? or do you only come back when things get shitty in your life? because that goes back to me being a distraction, right?

I am not married to you, but I am fighting for you like we are. I am trying to fix things. I tried to make you see that maybe you should've been with me this entire time. I haven't given up yet, like your wife did. I want you in bed next to me every night. you wife doesnt want that. she doesnt care that you slept in a car. i don't want to be frustrated with you, or have arguments with you, but after a few weeks it seemed like i was always frustrated, or that i was always on your ass about something. i will also say this until i am blue in my face... there is no drama in my life. but there was between us, wasnt there? why did we both make it so hard?

i read back through 2300 txts between us. the first few weeks it was easy. you were txting me when you first woke up. you asked me about my days. you were txting me late at night, calling me because you wanted to, cumming for me often. you asked what the favorite part of my day was, what i had for dinner. you asked what i was reading. and then there was a shift. no more txts until later in the day. no more phone calls unless i told you to call me. no more random questions to find out more about each other. no more phone calls of you wanting to cum for me. it got too fucking hard. we both made it too hard. we jumped in too fast. if we had taken it slow, we'd probably still be talking. but you distanced yourself and i got clingy. choices.

all the signs were there, right? you told me you were a bad guy, i didnt listen. you wanted to leave me alone, i wouldnt let you. you had second thoughts about leaving your wife, and i did everything i could to persuade you to leave. you started to distance yourself, i got clingy. choices.

You said you meant everything you said. That you didn't just say shit to say it, that you meant it. you said you couldnt go a day without being inside me. that you would be lucky to be able to fuck me 5 times a day. you wanted my mouth on your cock all the time. you wanted me wet for you all the time, so you could slide into me any time you wanted. so when did you stop meaning everything you said to me? or did you mean it at the time, and now you dont? i know you will never stop thinking of me, never wanting to be inside me. you've thought about it for the last 15 years. you've thought about it the entire time you've been married, havent you?

I meant 100% of what I've ever said to you. any lie i ever told you, i admitted that i lied. i even told you that i lied to you 5 years ago, about working in a hotel in vegas. i didnt have to tell you that, but i did, becuase i felt bad. because i have a conscience.

A few weeks ago you said you wanted to come visit, stay for a week, you just needed to sort some things out. Saturday you thought of me when you came. You called me. But then I didn't hear from you the rest of the day. so again, i got frustrated, because it wasnt the first time.

On sunday I was frustrated and i ignored your call and I didn't let you explain first. But you did explain and apologize and said you missed me. And then within minutes/hours you gave up. On me. On us. How could you do that so fast? After everything you told me?

But we both made choices, didnt we? I chose to talk to you all the time. You chose to push me away. I chose to not answer your call. One time. You chose to give up. it started out with you putting in 75 effort and me 25. i believe at one point it was 50/50. and then it felt like i was putting in 90 and you were putting in 10. and now it is 10000000/000000000000.

I never made you a choice. I made you a priority. You made me a priority when it was convenient for you. you chose to stop talking to me at night, many times. you chose to not call me back. But my one choice ruined everything. Why didn't I answer the fucking phone? Why didn't I keep my fucking mouth shut?

I tried to be so patient. Never once did I give you an excuse or a reason. I was there every single time. You kept saying you understood. I believed you. You tried, until you stopped. and you were patient and understanding, too. i guess i took that for granted. but i honestly think we both reached our limit at the same time. i was sick of one more excuse and you were sick of one more demand. the difference is that you erased me from your life in the blink of an eye and i am still doing everything i can to stay in it.

just so you know, the favorite part of my day, every day, was talking to you. Seeing a txt or you calling me made my day. You easily made me the happiest person by talking to me, but also the saddest by not talking to me. i joked that being in the pool was my 1st priority and my favorite thing and that you were my 2nd priority, my 2nd favorite thing. but you were my first. i took my phone out by my pool so i never missed a txt or call from you. i loved talking to you while i was in my pool.

I think about you all the time. I cant wait to go to bed, but I cant even escape you when I sleep, you are in my dreams more than ever. Do you think of me, miss me, dream of me? Do you play and still think of me? Do you still want to fuck me? Do you look at your phone hoping to see a txt, a missed call, a voicemail? Do you want to talk to me but are able to resist? I cant resist you. I never could. I miss you so fucking much. i havent played in over a week, because i cant bare to think of you. i still want you to fuck me. i was serious when i said i dont want to go the rest of my life without experiencing that. but im afraid i will. i really did want to cum for you, but i figured that as soon as i did, i'd jinx it and things would go downhill from there. i didnt want you to get that close to me just to ruin me again. it didnt fucking matter, because i never got the chance. you ruined me before i could. do you want to go the rest of your life not hearing me cum, not hearing your name on my lips, not feeling me cum, not seeing me cum?

I told you I am bad luck and i jinx everything. In the last week has your life gotten easier? Do you get done work on time? Are you working things out with your wife? Are you happy? Maybe you realized your life is better without me in it. No one telling you to call them. No one mad you didnt txt back. No one bitching at you and pointing things out. No one riding your ass. but again, im one less thing you have to juggle, right? you also have no one caring. No one trying to make you happy. no one making you smile. no one wanting to hear you cum. no one wanting you to fuck them. no one wanting to see you at the end of the day. no one wanting to hug you. no one wanting to fall asleep next to you every night.

I told you the universe is against us. I wasnt wrong. And I dont believe in God. How can I? I was doing fine without you. You were my fantasy. You were fun to think about. And then you got thrown back into my life. Why? What was the reason? why did God think i deserved to be hurt by you again?

there are 2 huge things i regret in my life. not meeting you in san diego, which i told you about. the other is moving back from vegas. but not meeting you will always will be #1. i dont know why i told you. maybe because i wanted you to know how serious i was/am about us. how much i still thought and cared about you. how much you affected me. so now you know my regret. and you also know about my pregnancy scare. so you are the only one to know 2 of my biggest regrets/secrets.

Theres more I want to know about you. I wasnt done talking to you and learning things about you. I was fascinated to learn you were a lifeguard. i want to ask you about it. I want to laugh with you. i want to take vacations and go to concerts (not just hanson). I want to read dirty texts. I want to hear you cum. i will never delete those voicemails. do you still have the ones i left you?

I still want to hear the rest of that dream, about what happened after the concert. I want to tell you that funny joke. I want to tell you my dog must've really had kennel cough. I wish instead of me being frustrated and bitching at you, we had better conversations. i wish i learned so much more about you. dont you wish you knew more about me, too?

I come off as a bitch, but I have a huge heart. I tried making you happy, to see the greener side. Txts and phone calls and inspirational messages. But by trying to make you happy i was making myself miserable.

Im still miserable. Time stands still. I go to work and go through the motions. My coworkers talk, but I dont hear them. I watch TV, but I dont pay attention. I swim (when its not raining), but i add more water to the pool because I cry. I hardly eat anything, just enough to still function. i play fetch with my dog, but im not present.

I dont talk to anyone. No one has noticed how distracted I am. How shut off I am. How sad I am. They either dont care or I am that good at faking it. But when I am alone I am a mess.

I hate comparing you to others, I told you this. Tom left me once. I never tried this hard to get him back. i never bought us football tickets. even though i fucked him, i never wanted him to touch me again. I let him go and I dont want him back. You left 9 times. but i still want you back. I still let you keep coming back and coming back. I will still let you come back. I will always want you to come back. i told you what tom did that ruined me. i told you he didnt talk to me for 12 hours. yet you kept doing it and doing it. i told you he stopped talking to me, and you promised you wouldnt, and then you did it again.

when we first started talking again, i told you that if i was in a relationship, i wouldnt give you the time of day. that was a fucking lie. i've never deleted you from my phone. even when i tried seeing where things were going with tom, i never deleted you. i still THOUGHT about you when i masturbated, until a few weeks before I went to visit him. but i had to force myself to not think of you. i played a few times while i was visiting him, and it wouldn't surprise me if I thought of you, but i honestly cant remember. i could be in a relationship and i already know that if you started talking to me again, i would txt you during the day at work, or phone calls in the middle of the night. and i would delete everything to keep you a secret. i am no better than you, because i am addicted to you.

But you cant do this to me again and I cannot let you do this again. I know I said I would never leave, but its not fair. And you cant keep hurting me over and over. I am a person with feelings and emotions. Im not a game. (but again, please never stop coming back into my life. dont delete my number)

And I will keep asking myself these questions:

Why do I let you keep coming back?
Why do I keep letting myself get hurt?
Why cant I say no?
Why didn't I answer my phone?
What is it about you, Mark?
Why are you my drug?
Why do I let you keep coming back?
Am I ready to let you go for good? (no)

You do remember the lyrics I said to you in a voicemail, right? Read them. You turn your back and they're gone so fast. That means you, Mark. Hold on to the ones that really care. That means me, Mark. In the end they'll be the only ones there. That means me, Mark.

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there

And since you like imagine dragons so much, take 45 minutes and listen to these songs I put on a playlist. Or just the 30 second previews:
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We have been gifted by the creator a myriad of higher tools of spirituality. The number structure of 0-9 proves how to navigate frequency to produce matter. This is done by turning a wave into its particle state. To do this we must balance 3 which the body and 6 which is the mind in order to reach the zero point, which opens your access to the 9. 9 is the fingerprint of our Creator. You have figured out, whether by good or bad, how to manifest frequency into particle matter. This is basic quantum physics and not at all witchcraft. It only becomes something other than the Creator's tools we were given, when you change its particle structure. That can only he done by changing the observer. So no matter what they taught you, no matter the intention behind it, YOU, as the observer may structure these gifts properly and in God's context, or free will will allow you to structure God's archetype in evil. That's the perfection if God's will. You have been given free will to choose not what you were shown, but rather to let your heart choose what feels right. Sins are 90 degree angles and righteousness forms curves. You can turn your right angles into beautiful curves with the realization that God loves you and you matter in this world. You matter so much you have been tempted, you have the power to turn anything into what God's needs are for you, but not into your wants. As long as you use your quantum physics physical talents for needs and not wants, you are creating curves that meld into beautiful eternal spirals. Move forward with your heart's intention and never look back. You will then heal. You are not healing bc you will not forgive yourself. You must allow yourself to receive before you can truly give to others. You must allow yourself to receive your own forgiveness in order to turn your right angles into those righteous curves. Once you start making curves more than angles, your body will begin healing. The best curves are the ones you make in service to others, but you cannot give that until you give yourself forgiveness and allow yourself to receive. This is key to getting well. Dont get bogged down in the mystic of it all. What you claim of it, it will be. Pay attention to what you dont and think about what you didn't. That is how you will see the truth that lies before you, which is you were forgiven before you even existed. We are in 3D duality to figure that out.


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Did it fall off on account of flat earth? Asking for a friend.....
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Thank you for "exterminating" the issue ;)
3+ days
by Concrete Rose
Back on Wednesday I found a saying... Wait 3 days. No contact, no txts, nothing. If you don't hear from him in 3 days, you mean nothing to him.

So... No contact on Thursday, Friday or Saturday.

Nothing from Mark.

I stupidly txted him on Sunday, exactly 1 week since he stopped talking to me, and 4 full days without me reaching out to him.

I apologized. I said we both made things harder. Never once did I blame him for anything. I used 'we' and 'us' a lot.

Nothing from Mark.

I bought tickets to the Carolina/Buffalo game December 18. I didn't do it to win him back. I did it because I have (had?) faith in us. Luckily I can re-sell them. I will give it months, because I still want to have faith.

I truly mean nothing to him.

I should've listened when he said he was a bad guy.

I should've listened when he said he wanted to leave me alone.

This isn't all his fault.

The signs were there, I just chose to ignore them.

And I am the one getting hurt again. Crying all day, every day. Wishing the hours would pass so I can go to sleep.

I don't want to be at work, because all I want to do is cry. I don't want to be around people.

I don't want to be home, because I'm by myself and all I want to do is cry.

I am so fucking stupid.

Why, God... WHY!?
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work scheduling?!?!?
by The Avon Lady

so my work place runs monday -sunday.. so i last worked on saturday which was a hoot as we had a power outage and i left at 2pm the schedule for the next week was not up yet. so i attempted to call around 330pmish and the work phone just clicked so sent a text message to the gm and confirmed i work at 8am monday.  her response was like you were told n and i said no i just wanted to confirm as the schedule wasn't available when i left and heard nothing back... am i wrong to want to know my schedule for the next week before it happens? like shouldn't the schedule be done by saturday for the following week? am i crazy?


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Hey there, first entry, well, at least its my first entry in something like 10+ years. I was on Bloop a very long time ago and right now I'm at a stage in my life where I just need to vent, get some things off my chest and it only felt appropriate to come back to Bloop. Anyway, good to be back, thanks ahead of time for taking time out of your day to read my words and again, I just need a place to get these feelings and thoughts out.


So lets start....This whole journal will be about a love lost, a love gained and where Im at in my life after moving half way across the country during the pandemic...But first, here's how I got to where I am now...


Let's rewind, say 10 years or so, I was 27 years old, had tons of friends, a good full time job that I was making a career out of and just had it all going on. The only thing I was missing was a significant other. Like I said, I had a ton of friends, pretty much went out with them every weekend to bars, live concerts, you name it. I dont know what it was but I could never meet a decent girl at any bar (looking back now, big surprise right?), yet I went out every weekend and tried my best. I would get numbers, I would call and text them, go on a date or two and then things would just fizzle out cause I never felt a connection with anyone.


But I felt like I just needed to continue to go out and hit the night life scene every weekend and luckily I had a good group of friends (both male and female) that hung out all the time and did the whole night life scene together. We always had a great time going out, no complaints there, I just hated waking up the next day feeling lonely and replaying the night in my head thinking about what I could have done to change my luck. Also note, Im not socially awkward or anything like that, I was always told I was cute/very handsome, etc, had many girlfriends in the past. I just never had the luck to meet someone worth getting to know.


So, I should also note that at this time in my life I had just started a new job and I loved it. Other than management, most of my employees were college aged students. Naturally, I met a few really good dudes that became good friends of mine. After about a month on the job, they said they needed a 4th roommate for their apartment and asked me if I would be interested in moving in.? Initially I was like, na, Im a 27 year old dude, dont need to be living with 21 year old college students. Plus, I had alreaady been renting my own place for the past 5 years, so I was use to living by myself and just doing my own thing when I wasnt around the rest of my friends.


But.....honestly, it was a good option to consider at the time because I had a good 30 minute drive to work in the mornings and almost a 45-60 minute drive home in the evenings. The apartment they lived in, was only 5 minutes from work, literally pull out the gate, make 3 turns and Im at work, no traffic, on a good end of town but not totally wrapped up in the downtown scene. The final nail in the coffin was the rent, it was so cheap because it was apartment living with 3 other college students. I started to realize how much money I was going to be able to save living with 3 other people and I really started to like the idea. Plus, it wasnt a crap apartment, it was a nice place, each room with its own bathroom and I already knew 2 of 3 roommates.


So I made the move and the third roommate who I didnt know, turned out to be one hell of a dude, never had any issues with him. Fast forward a few months, all moved in, having tons of fun hanging out with the guys, job is going great, life is just good at this point. Now the summer is coming up and my 2 main buddies who asked me to move in, both tell me they are going back to their hometown for the summer to take on some internships. Im like, yea, thats awesome, happy for yall. Then the third roommate comes in and tells me he's studying abroad for a summer semester and Im like, aight, guess I'll spend the summer in this place by myself.


A few days after my roommates telling me this, one of them says, oh yea, I rented out my room for the summer so youre gonna have a roommate for the summer. I was like, yea, thats fine, I know you, you wouldnt stick me with some piece of crap human being and he was like "yea, I got your back, youre gonna like this girl." I was like....girl???? He was like yea, shes 21 and just graduated, wants to move to the big city, get a job and see what big city living is all about. I have to admit, I was really caught off guard by my summer roommate being a female. I asked a lot of questions and my roommate was like dude, Im sorry but I havent seen her in like 6 months so I dont really have any personal information on her, youll just have to wait and meet her.


Fast forward and summer is here, roommates leave and I have the place to myself. Chilling one night and I hear some keys jiggling around in the lock and the door opens....and in walks a girl I would go on a rollercoaster ride of emotions with for the summer...Welcome Ali into my life... be continued..


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To You...
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

I have to say t his now. Dont ask me why for I wont tell today. I have been giving this so much thought, and unintentionally, today is the day I am going to put you ' ride or die ' statement to the test. Because I am not getting drunk and trashing a hotel room. I am not getting drunk and getting high till we both have no money left. I am not getting drunk and trying to killl myself. I am not getting drunk and we fight and I leave and end up god knows where or with whom. ( see how everything starts with getting drunk? ) I am not doing any of that. Im doing something far worse in some peoples eyes. I am trashing what is left of my ego and telling you that I do believe in what those charts say about us,. and looking at it, i t says alot more than you have said out loud to me. It tells a story a tale of these two people who desperately unconditionally love one another. And you always say ' whatever that means, if we are friends or wherever this goes etc. ) but i know what it means cuz i have seen this before. Once. And its a ride or die love like you said but its also two people who didnt give a fuck what anyone said and defied the rules to be together. And I think that it only happens once every time we go around. 


Point is this. I know what I feel in my soul when we talk. In my spirit. And in body because sometimes that even reacts too, not gonna lie. Once you meet me, you will comprehend why we were torn apart. Before. Youll see. I promise. Now enough serious talk, I wanted to tell you something.

If I could? I would take you out wherever you wanted to go, make you feel as special as you really are. We could talk forever you and i, we already talk for hours on the phone. But in person, I have a feeling alot less words would be necesarry, because when you look in certain peoples eyes, you do not have to say a word. But if I did say a word, I would tell you that I want so fucking badly to kiss you. That I want to hold you and tell you it is going to be okay, and even when you dont think it is, I would be there. No matter what. Come hell or high water. And I would be the one who wiped away the tears that come, and when you got mad and wanted to be alone, I would respect that too. 

I also want teo show you what it means to be loved by a SOUL and not just someone wanting to get into your pants. My soul makes to make love to yours. And frankly to let you take out your agressions on me. Haha thers nothing better than an angry chick with a strap on. But no all jokes aside. I want to have you experience the things that you didnt know where possible. To be loved so completely emotinally and physically that theres an entwining that happens that can never be broken in this life or any other. Frankly........And I cant believe im gonna say this......I want to feel you so deep inside that it breaks away any internal chains i ever had. And I want to be so deep inside you, further than anyone has ever gone, so that you know love is not anything you thought it was. I just..........Argh. I want you. There I said it. And I weill want you til the end of time. And maybe beyond...

Somtimes rational thinking and analysis has to go out the window babygirl. And this is one of those times. We are of the stars Lindsay. And the deepest depths of the sea. Can you imane an underwater world with its own solar system, and it lights the world with its flashes of bright colors and tintilating spiriling spinning luxourious rose petal soft FIREWORKS. It would be fantastical. Right then I have embarressed myself enough for one day. 

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1) I have three awesome kids


2) My Sweetie


3) Two dogs, one cat who I love more than anything


4) My car runs


5) I have access to acupuncture and physical therapy for my bad knees and back.









Radio Delilah


Just finished a Cream Soda Dr Pepper

.:.Munchin.:. :


.:.Feeling.:. :


.:.Wearing.:. :

Yoga shorts and tank top, both black.

.:.Talking To.:.:

Nobody yet








I started physical therapy and acupuncture for my knees last week.  PT was Friday, and my therapist found that there is no strength in the muscles on the right side of my lower back.  This is pulling my leg cockeyed, and causing the Patella Femoral Pain Syndrome stuff.  It's good to know what's causing it, maybe now we can do something about it, and make sure that my knees stop bothering me for a while.

I booked a boudoir photo shoot for the anniversary of my first rape.  I am determined to make that day a GOOD day in my life, one way or another. I'm terrified and excited about this, too. I have a couple of outfits, but really want to talk to the photographer's assistant about what I should wear. I *KNOW* I'm wearing the pink bustier with the pink lace top. It's so cute! I can't wait to wear the outfits period.  I know **HE** won't care, if anything he's gonna be upset because I've spent so much money.  I really don't care, because this is more for me than anything else.  Munchkin (Fishie) will be going with me, as they are my biggest cheerleader. I'm keeping this a total secret from **HIM** because I want to give him the pictures for our anniversary this year.  We'll have been together for 10 years this October.  Longest I've ever been in a relationship. Holy hell.

I should write more, but I've got to go do my nightly routine and settle in for the night.  About time to smoke and eat some dessert, too. Maybe I'll write more after I smoke.

Thanks for reading






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2 days
by Concrete Rose
It's now been 2 days since I've contacted Mark and it hasn't gotten any easier.

He hasn't contacted me in 5 days. My phone has stayed silent. I miss him so fucking much. My heart is so broken.

I am crying as much as it rains. All the fucking time.

I don't even have words to express how I feel anymore.
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July 16, 2021
by raen

Fuck it, I'm posting my dress. I'm having a shitty time right now so, look at the pretty.

2 likes, 11 comments
9 Times
by Concrete Rose
Yesterday morning I had every intention of not talking to Mark. I told myself on Tuesday to leave him alone. I even wrote him an email and said that that would be the last time I contacted him. So yesterday at 10:15 AM it was a full 24 hours since I reached out to him. 1 entire day.

But when I went home for break at 4, I called him. I wanted him to pick up, but he didn't. He didn't send me to voicemail, but it finally went there and I left him a message, all 2 minutes and 30 seconds. And then I sent him txt messages of what I said in my voicemail as pictures, and it said they were delivered. I apologized my ass off. I told him he wasn't a piece of shit. I said I was sorry for getting needy and clingy and I can't change him. I told him I was never going anywhere. My phone number and email wouldn't change. Etc etc etc

So now we are going on to another 24 hours. And I keep telling myself... DO NOT REACH OUT TO HIM. I will give it 3 days. I will reach out to him Sunday if I don't hear from him first.

But... I am a fucking idiot if I do that.

I keep replaying all the good things... How he asked what my favorite part of the day was. How he knew I'd be in the pool. All the times he called me, especially when I told him to. When he said he missed me. When he said I made him happy. When he thanked me for the voicemails and how I told him I cared. When he told me he wanted to visit, that he'd been thinking about it a lot and had to get some things sorted out first.

Today at work, I went back to every entry I had access to, which was back to 2008. I read through 134 entries. I skimmed until I saw Mark's name. If I didn't see it, I moved on. If I saw it, I only read what I wrote. In some of the entries where I did write about him, it was only a sentence or two. Some entries I bitched about him and only him. Out of 134 entries, not including this one, I mentioned him in 56.

But it was the same shit in almost every entry....

He would get distant. He was busy with work. He had phone issues. I seemed to have SOME self control back then. I wrote all the time that I wouldn't talk to him for a few days or a week, and eventually he'd show back up. But I kept grasping and grasping and wanting answers.

He disappeared more than I had remembered. I guess I only remember the BIG ones, like the 2 years and then the 5 years. Do you know how many time's he's come and gone since January 2011? 9 times. This time would be the 10th. And this is just from what I'm reading in this diary. We've known each other since 2005, so it's probably more than that.

January 2011 - Disappeared
June 2011 - Back
November 2012 - Disappeared
May 2013 - Back and disappeared
July 2013 - Back and gone (Found out he had a girlfriend)
October 2015 - Back
December 2015 - Gone (Found out he was married)
December 2020 - Back and disappeared
June 2021 - Back
July 2021 - Disappeared??????

Reading through entries and seeing it on paper, how fucking stupid was I? The excuses never changed. Work. Phone issues. And even though he disappeared in January 2011, from all the previous entries, it was the same shit. Haven't talked to Mark in days. Haven't talked to him in weeks. I had to reach out. His txts were short and simple. Had I read those entries within the last few months, I don't know if I'd be in this same situation.

But I wrote the same shit in every entry, too. Mark said work is busy. Mark says he misses me. Mark meant to call me, but fell asleep.

I let him come back so many fucking times. So many fucking chances. And the excuses stayed the same. Even this time around, they stayed the same! Except this time he was able to add that his wife took his phone or he kept forgetting it places.

I remember he disappeared in 2012 not long after he got back from Hawaii. I guess he resurfaced in 2013, 7 months later. Apparently in that entry I wrote that he called me and I asked why he disappeared. He said he didn't know. I asked if he thought I deserved an explanation and he said no and apparently he hung up on me.

Ho... ly.... Shit

That one really stuck with me.

Then a few months later he came back and said he disappeared because of a girl and that they were still together.

I never wrote another entry until 2018. And in that entry, I wrote that Mark came back in 2015 and that's when I found out he was married.

So I guess I was right, that he probably cheated on every girl he's ever been with. And he broke my heart over and over and over again.

Why did I think this time would be any different?

I seriously thought it was because he said he wanted a divorce and he was putting in an effort when it came to me. We talked more on the phone in the last 42 days than we ever have in the last 15 years. We were learning shit about each other. I called him during a work meeting and he answered. He called every time I told him to.

I know I told him the other day I was never going anywhere.... but reading this shit is a punch to the gut.

I still want to give him until Sunday, an entire week for him to think about shit, and 3 days without hearing from me. I want to see if he reaches out after not hearing from me. If he realizes that he might've lost me for good.

And then I think I need to give him an ultimatum. Honestly, I shouldn't even do that. I KNOW I need to never talk to him again. If he really does reach back out I should ignore him. But I go back to him every single fucking time...

I want to tell him that he's disappeared and resurfaced 10 times. He seems to understand numbers, so maybe this will be a reality check. I want to tell him he has until July 31 to talk to me. If he doesn't then he needs to delete my number and never contact me again. I want to give him the link to my diary and tell him to read every fucking entry and see how badly he's hurt me.

But I'm not sure I have the heart to do that, because I've never said no to him. And this is what I tried explaining to him. Why do you keep leaving and why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep my number?

And I need to ask myself... Why do you keep letting him come back? Why do you keep letting yourself get hurt? What is it about this guy that you cannot let go of?
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What's the reason, God?
by Concrete Rose
It is a damn shame that I won't allow comments on my entries anymore. I don't need people being negative. If you have nothing nice/positive to say, shut your damn mouth. This is my diary. I come here to write to get things off my chest. I know that I am a fucking idiot. I don't need people pointing it out to me.

I miss Mark. So fucking much. And I know that I SHOULD NOT blame myself, but I do.

I know that Mark is an asshole. A fucking liar. A cheater. A piece of shit. But I know there are things I shouldn't have said or demanded from him. How many times did I hear the same excuses from him? Many. But how many times did he hear me say I wouldn't keep him on a leash, I wouldn't get clingy, I wouldn't demand things from him. Many. I am no fucking better.

When Mark and I talked on the phone back in June, had our first REAL serious conversation about shit, he said that maybe he should leave me alone. I told him I didn't want that. I said I still wanted to keep talking, that I didn't want to say goodbye to him for good. But I told him to not disappear on me again. I said if there is one thing you do, it's don't disappear. He agreed to it. And I told him I deserved better than that. And he agreed with that, too.

Why didn't I let him leave me alone? Why didn't I tell him to get his shit figured out and then get back in touch? At that point I was in too fucking deep. Every time he comes back in my life I always say it's just for fun. But it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and I get hurt every single fucking time. I even told him this.

What did I do to push him to the point where he couldn't give me the common decency of being an adult and ending things the right way?

I have a very hard time not comparing this situation with Tom's. Because he up and left me, too. I guess I got too clingy for him. But Tom also started feeding me a bunch of excuses and he kept distancing himself. When people do that how do you not question things? How do you not get clingy at that point?

I wish I hadn't tried harder. I even told Mark that. We had a conversation on Friday and I told him that it should be 50/50. I said that he got back in touch with me, and that I was trying harder. I told him it felt like 90/10 at that point. I said it should really be me trying 25 and him trying 75. And he agreed that he needed to try harder. For 30 minutes he let me rant and rant and rant. He kept agreeing and saying he understood. Every single time I vented he said he understood. Never once did he raise his voice at me. Never once did he demand anything from me.

All the time I explained that the 3 hour time difference sucked. Sometimes when he txted me it was already the afternoon. I already had breakfast and lunch and my workday was almost over. I explained that sometimes I was going to bed when he was just getting home from work. He even agreed that it sucked. I kept trying to explain that it just made things that much harder. I kept saying that the only form of communication we had was in our fucking hands, our damn phones. I told him that we don't see each other in the morning or after work. All we had was our fucking phones.

What would've happened had I truly played hard to get? If he txted me in the evening and I didn't respond until the next morning. Or if he txted me in the morning and I waited until the evening. How much harder would he have tried? But I WANTED to talk to him. I kept explaining that to him. He chose to go hours without talking to me. He chose to stop talking to me after 7 or 8 and I questioned it all the time. What were you doing between then and when you went to bed? Did you not once look at your phone? Did you not once want to talk to me? I even questioned that during the day. I said, most people look at their phone when they wake up, why do you not txt me until sometimes in the afternoon? Why don't you talk to me during a break, or when you stop to go to the bathroom, or sitting in traffic? I said if we both chose not talk to each other, we would never talk. I said we can't do that. Just on Friday I explained that he never txts me when he first wakes up. On Saturday he did.

Every time I pointed something out to him, he said he understood, and did what I asked him to do. And then a few days later we were back to the same old shit. I even pointed THAT out to him! He realized everything after it happened and after I pointed it out.

Many, many, many times I demanded that he call me. And he did. Every single fucking time. But I told him that I was sick of telling him to call me. I told him I wanted him to call me, like he did when he first started talking to me again. A few weeks ago I was so frustrated with him because I hadn't heard from him in the evening, so I sent him a txt that he better call me as soon as he woke up. And he did. He was confused why I was frustrated, and I pointed it out that it's because I never heard from him again after a certain time. Again, I told him the time difference sucked. I said I was eating lunch when he was just eating breakfast. He said he hadn't ate yet and I said, that's right, I made you call me first. And he said, yes, I do everything you tell me to. And he really did.

But I also had to keep pointing out that he was making choices... Like choosing not to talk to me. I told him that during the evening he was choosing not to talk to me. That he was letting his wife take his phone and choosing not to talk to me. He said he was doing it because it was just easier and he didn't want to deal with things. That's when I told him to get a new phone number. I said either use it to talk to everyone but her, or use it to talk only to me. And he kept saying he needed to get a new phone.

The first time his wife took his phone, he warned me. He said, my wife is taking my phone, please don't message me. So, I didn't. When he txted me the next day I made him call me, so I knew it was him. Never again did he warn me. I never knew his wife had his phone until the next day, when I gave him shit or demanded he talk to me. Why was it such a big deal that first time? A part of me would always think, what did I send him that she could possibly read? But I didn't care, because it wasn't my problem, right?

On Saturday afternoon he called me. He said he had tried calling earlier and it said it couldn't complete the call as dialed. Well, he's Tmobile and I'm Verizon, and I've heard this message before when trying to call clients at work, so I believed him. He said he tried calling me because he wanted to cum for me. He told me he'd txt me his dream and I asked if he'd cum for me later and he said probably. But I never heard from him again all night. So on Sunday I was royally pissed off. And I demanded he call me when he woke up. But I never heard from him until 3PM.

I was so pissed off that I let it ring a few times and ignored it, sending him to voicemail. He left me a voicemail stating he left his phone at a store (AGAIN) and would call me back. So I tried calling him 3 times and he didn't answer. I sent him a txt. He sent me a txt saying he never got my missed calls and he tried calling me again and got that same message. He said he needed to get his phone looked at and would try to do it that day. He said he realized it was missing when he went to txt me the night before. He said he missed me.

And after that I never heard back from him again. Yes, I was still frustrated, and I told him to go get a new phone at Verizon. I told him not to try, to fucking do it. Is that what pissed him off? One more demand from me? Or was it the txt I sent a few hours later, saying that even if he was having issues, he didn't try calling me back and that I was the last thing he ever thought about?

All I know... is what would've happened had I answered the phone? Why did I send him to my voicemail? I mean, I know why I did it, but WHY did I do it?

So... another fucking regret. I regret not meeting him in San Diego 14 years ago. I regret not answering the fucking phone. What if?

When we talked on Friday, I wasn't very nice. I asked him if they had talked about divorce recently and he said they had, but nothing since then. I told him that if he wants to stay married for the next 40 years and not be happy, then he should do it. I told him he was fucking stupid to stay married. I told him it was a damn shame if he didn't get a divorce. I said, do you hear yourself? You're annoyed you have to run errands. You have to DEAL with Amanda. I said, do you want to have to do that the rest of your life? And he agreed with everything I said.

I also told him to put himself in my shoes. I said, how would you feel if I stopped txting you when I was done with work? I said I get done at 4, which is 1 your time, and I said, how would you like that? I also said, how would you like it if I got a hold of you again, said I was thinking about divorce and then I wasn't. How would you like it if I called all the time and came for you and then I stopped? And then you don't hear from me, or I talk to you the next day and say my husband had my phone. And he said he would feel the same way I did.

He heard me cry so many times. Did it kill him to hear me crying, knowing he was the reason? I told him he's heard me cry so many times, but never once heard me have an orgasm. I told him he's apologized more times than he's cum for me. I told him we had to break the cycle.

I warmed him many many times that I am unlucky. When we first started talking he was getting done with work at 5. He wanted a divorce. As the weeks went by, he had second thoughts and work got more and more demanding. I said if you hadn't come back, you would've been going through the divorce process and getting done with work on time. I told him the universe was against us. I told him this on Saturday, when his call couldn't be completed. I jinx every fucking thing in my fucking life.

A part of me is hoping he is thinking about everything I said. I hope he backed off because of how he was treating me and he knew he was hurting me, and not because of something I did. I want to have hope that I will hear from him soon. I want to hear from him so bad. Do I want him to contact me from his current number, or do I hope he contacts me from a new number, which means he finally did what I told him he should do? Do I hope that if he contacts me again it's to tell me he finally got a divorce?

At this point do I fucking care? No. I just want him to talk to me.

Is he thinking about me every day? Does he look at his phone, hoping I sent him a message or has a missed call? Does he reach for his phone and want to txt me, but is able to resist? Does he hear all the shit I told him? Get a divorce. Be happy. Don't settle.

As far as masturbating goes... Who knows when I'll do that again. I've thought about Mark the last 15 years. Now what do I do? He hurt me, so why should I think about him to get me off? I know I will again some day, because I've always gone back to thinking about him. But it will be awhile, I know that.

At this point I'm hardly crying anymore. Eventually you become numb. To everything. I go to work and go through the motions. I talk to people, but I'm not really listening. I can't remember the last time I laughed. My phone is back to being on silent all the time. I could care less who calls or txts me. If it's not Mark, I don't fucking care. I leave it on the counter, I try not to check to see if I have any txts or missed calls. I've stopped taking it to work, so I don't check it all the time.

My phone still has every single txt we sent back and forth. I'm guessing about 2500 in the last 43 days. If you go back to the beginning, Mark was talking to me all the time. Txts in the morning, txts late at night. If I didn't respond right away, there was another txt. And as the weeks went by it shifted. I was txting him all the time. If he didn't respond I was sending another.

It's only been 2 days since we've talked, but I know that will turn into 3. 3 days will turn into a week, which will turn into a month. And eventually that will turn into months and then a year. I don't want it to. I don't want it to turn into a week or a month or a year.

I will be 35 soon and I'm still not married. I still don't have kids. How do I put myself out there with a broken heart? How do I not compare every guy to Tom or Mark? How do I trust anyone? How do I let anyone get behind these walls?

I truly thought things were different this time, and I know that is the stupidest thing to think. Everyone things that right? Like, he hit me before, but this time it's different, this time he won't hit me. And then that time they end up dead. So why did I think Mark wouldn't hurt me this time? Why did I think he wouldn't disappear? Just because I told him not to? I'm a fucking fool.

I don't understand why God did this to me, again. I was perfectly fine without Mark in my life. He was my fantasy and I kept him in this box, where no one else knew about him. Everything happens for a reason. So, God, what is the fucking reason this time? You are killing me. You think I am strong. You think you can throw anything at me and I will come out on top. But what if one day I am not strong enough? Then what?
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by Concrete Rose
Mark, I don't get it. And all I'm asking is for some clarity or just some fucking closure.

Please read this.

This is the last time I will reach out to you. I want you to know how I feel and that how you treated me is not ok. It's not ok to treat anyone like that. Do you understand?

The first time you disappeared, back in 2012, I had a hunch that something was up. We knew each other for like 6-7 years and things felt off. But remember... that's when we never talked about anything serious. For that many years it was only ever dirty text messages and the occasional phone call. Again, never anything serious, and the calls were always late at night. I do remember hearing from you less and less. Maybe that's when you started dating and were engaged. Who knows. But you clearly cheated from the very beginning. You would txt me during the day, but at night and on weekends I hardly heard from you.

I honestly questioned your fidelity the entire time. I thought, has he really been single this whole time? Has he never dated anyone these last 7 years? So anyone you dated, you cheated on. Every single person.

I'm pretty sure you went AWOL when you went to Hawaii. It makes me wonder if that's when you got married and you went there for your honeymoon. I feel like after that you stopped talking to me. I'm pretty sure I was hurt, but I don't remember it hurting this bad.

When you came back in 2015, I was hesitant. I was already in a rough place having moved back from Vegas just the month before. I remember waking up from a txt from you in October. I remember when I moved into my apartment a few weeks later and you called me wanting to cum, but because I supposedly was working the midnight shift at a hotel, I pretended I was asleep/taking a nap before my shift. I didn't answer that call on purpose. Maybe my head knew not to for a reason. You never did try to call me again after that.

I knew something was off then, too, because the txts were getting less and less frequent. Or again, only during the day and never nights or weekends. And then in December I got a very odd txt from "you." Something about being married and your wife being in the hospital. And then an odd txt about wanting to hear you cum or talking dirty. Not quite sure, but I KNEW it wasn't you writing it, which is why I told you to call me. And I know for a fact that your wife was sitting there, that she forced you to call me and admit that you were married. I still remember it being 3 or 4 AM here, and thinking that your wife discovered something very late at night, how you guys were fighting at midnight or 1AM.

Again, I don't think I was as hurt, because I suspected something was off. Back then AIM was still around, and I still had it linked to my phone, so in January I remember getting a txt/msg from M100Back. I would love to remember what it said, but I don't. I think it said, "I'm sorry." I remember responding, but never hearing from you again. But I was clearly still on your mind and you were desperate to get in touch with me, because at that point, who used AIM anymore? But you still contacted me, even after being caught cheating.

I never deleted your #, but I assumed by then you were either forced to get a new one, or you were forced to get rid of mine/block me. In October 2017 I was in Vegas and went to San Diego for the day. I sent a txt to that #, saying you should skip work for the day and come down. I never got a response. So again, either someone else had that # by then and didn't respond, or I was just blocked and you never got it.

I never stopped thinking about you, and I don't mean just sexually. Your name would pop up in a book, or anytime I saw 9:16 as the time, I thought of you. I thought of you every year on your birthday. For the last 15 years, minus 2 months, you were always the guy I thought about when I masturbated. I already told you that I had to force myself to think about Tom, but it wasn't easy. I guess I thought we were going to have amazing sex and I didn't want to blurt out the wrong name. HA! I had nothing to worry about there.

When you contacted me back in December, I was not exactly shocked, because I knew it was going to happen. Again, I knew something was fucked up because you were using an email address to contact me. At first I wasn't sure it was you, but who else would send me that kind of message? How ironic that someone else talks like that to someone and I happened to get it by mistake? But 10 days went by before I heard from you again.

Do you know when I heard from you again? Christmas Eve/Christmas. Instead of you being with your wife, you were talking to me. You were glad I had the same phone number, you were saying that Daddy missed me. But again, I didn't hear from you after that. I think at that point I was too preoccupied with my puppy and working from home to give it much thought. I KNEW you were cheating, because why else would you resort to email? I just looked at my phone and I sent a txt to your email on February 4. I said I missed you and thought about you, because it was true. I never stopped thinking about you...

So now we're up to June 1, just 43 days ago. I'm watching tv, and glance over and notice I had missed a phone call and got a voicemail. I looked at the area code and KNEW that 925 was CA. I didn't think it was you, but it reminded me of you. So was I shocked that it was you? Very. Just a simple message: Hey, guess who? I'll call back in a little bit.

So I waited for you to call. What's weird is you did, but before I could answer you hung up. I was hesitant to talk to you, but I sent you a txt when I went to bed. I even said you never called back, and you apologized, but you really did, remember? Why did you lie? A few nights after that you called and I didn't answer. You asked if I was playing hard to get. No, I was just protecting my heart I guess. I remember telling you my phone was always on silent, and a few nights after that you called and left me a voicemail of you cumming. But for the last month, my phone hasn't been on silent. I never wanted to miss a txt from you. I never wanted to miss a call from you. I was even taking it out by the pool with me sometimes. I never did that last year. Never. It's because all I wanted to do was talk to you.

I have no idea how many txt messages my phone keeps, but I still have every single txt message we've sent. So around 2500 I suppose. Looking back, you started off by talking to me all day every day. If I didn't respond within so many minutes/hours, you were texting me again. You were txting me as soon as you woke up, before you went to bed. You were making a damn effort. You were choosing to talk to me. And then the tables turned. Within the last few weeks the messages from you got less and less and I started pleading with you. I got fucking clingy. Thank you.

So after a few weeks, when you started to become distant, and I became more attached, I started questioning your actions. I pointed things out. After so many weeks, I made you finally talk to me about your past. But you weren't focused on just me and that conversation. You were at the fucking store and had to end it. And we didn't even talk about certain things. I still have no idea why your marriage has sucked for the last 5 years and why you were sleeping in your car. That's when you said you weren't sure about a divorce anymore. I was crying, do you remember? I said I didn't want to say goodbye. That I still wanted to talk. That I wasn't going anywhere. I said: Don't disappear on me again. You said you wouldn't. I said I didn't deserve to be treated like that. You agreed.

But what did you do, Mark? You fucking disappeared. And you treated me like shit.

You are a fucking drug. Again, I am forced to quit cold turkey and now I am going through withdrawal. But this time I used more and more and more, more than I've ever used in my entire life, and the withdrawal is so much worse.

You have to understand why I was so frustrated with you. I mean, you said you understood, after I pointed it out. Every fucking time.

Mark, you have to put in more of an effort. Ok, Brooke, I will. Mark, you have to call me because you want to. Yes, Brooke, I want to. Mark, why haven't I heard from you all night? Brooke, I was pissed off, but not at you. Brooke, my wife took my phone. Brooke, I left it at a store.

Do you realize that in 42 days you left your phone at 3 different places and your wife took it 3 different times? So that's an average of once a week, that I was left in the dark, with no way to communicate with you. I told you that Tom ruined me by not talking to me for 12 hours, and you did it over and over and over. I'm sorry that I watched the clock like a hawk, but Tom ruined that for me and then you went and did the same fucking thing. But sometimes it was 18 hours, 24 hours. And now it's been 43 hours since I've heard from you.

I had to explain things to you over and over and over. I had to keep saying that our phones were the only thing connecting us. Every time you said you understood. Yet you still kept giving your wife your phone, yet you still kept leaving it everywhere. When you leave a place shouldn't you make sure you have your wallet, phone and keys? By giving in to your wife, you were giving up on me. You were okay with not talking to me. When you left it somewhere, you weren't thinking of me. I could never leave my phone somewhere because I thought about you 24/7, and was waiting for that next txt or call.

Is that why you got fed up with me? Because I kept pointing things out? Because I was getting sick of your excuses?

You made all those choices. You chose to give your wife your phone. You chose to leave it somewhere (because you clearly didn't make sure you had it). You chose to stop talking to me once you got home at night.

You put me last many times and I tried to be understanding. But I explained that it was YOU that came back into my life, and I was trying more than you, and you said you understood. Just on Friday I said: You haven't disappeared... yet. Did I jinx everything? Apparently so.

So on Sunday, when you called me, I made a choice to not answer. I chose to send you to voicemail, because I wanted you to know how it felt to be a choice. How is it that my ONE choice was the final straw for you, yet all 35978 of your choices I put up with? But I went 1 minute and called you back and no answer.

And you sent a txt and explained that your phone sucked and you needed to get it checked. You said you realized your phone was missing when you went to txt me. You said you missed me.

I fully understand that I wasn't nice, and told you to go to fucking Verizon, to not try, but to actually do it. I was frustrated. Because all I wanted to do was talk to you. I was sick of you leaving your phone places, or your wife taking it. I was annoyed that your calls wouldn't go through. And I told you to go to Verizon because that's what I use. I wanted you to go there so we wouldn't have connection issues. I wanted you to get a new phone and phone number so your wife couldn't take it. Do you get that?

So I waited and waited and waited. And didn't hear back. And I thought, did I piss him off? Did I piss him off that bad that he doesn't want to talk to me? What if I had just answered the phone when he called? What if what if what if what if

I didn't hear from you all night. I slept like shit. I woke up every hour and called you. Did you see how many times I tried calling? I woke up in the morning and left you a voicemail. I told you I cared about you and that I missed you.

And I heard nothing all day. Work sucked. I went home and bawled. Did you get my voicemail where I was sobbing? Where I was begging you to talk to me? To not disappear, that I deserved better? Do you get my txts, my email?

I tried called again when I went to bed. Were you sending me to voicemail? Every time I called it was 1 or 2 rings and then to voicemail. But when I tried in the middle of the night, it rang 5-6 times. When I called this morning, same thing.

So I left you a nasty voicemail. Because you hurt me. So fucking much. I don't deserve to be treated like this.

I put up with so much bullshit. I apologized when I shouldn't have. I picked up the phone every time you called. I responded to txt messages.

Did I tell you to call me all the time? Yes, because I needed to know you cared and I meant something to you. Did I start giving you 60 minutes to call, 45, 30, 15? Yes, because I needed to know you cared and I meant something to you.

You said that you meant everything you said. So did you want to visit, and now you don't? Did you want to fuck me, and now you don't? Did you want to get your phone looked at, and now you don't? Did you want a divorce, and now you don't? Did you want to be happy, and now you don't?

Things felt different this time, but I guess I was wrong. God clearly put you back in my life to hurt me once again. You are no different from Tom or any other person in my life.

You heard me cry so many times these last 43 days. Do you feel bad, knowing you were making me cry? I fought and fought and fought for you. When was the last time your wife fought that hard for your attention? When did she last cry because she wanted to talk to you, because she missed you that fucking much?

I can't tell you how many days I went without masturbating, because the person you always thought about, was frustrating you. When I tried, I kept thinking shitty things and could never cum. And now that you've hurt me so fucking bad, I don't know when I'll cum again or who I will think of. I know some day I will think of you again, because I'm fucking stupid.

I don't get it Mark. And all I'm asking is for some clarity or just some fucking closure.

Why did you keep my number for 15 years? Why do you keep coming back and hurting me? We aren't kids. We are grown adults. You are 40 years old. This is not how you treat people, especially me.

I want to say never contact me again, but I would be lying to myself. If you ever get a divorce, or if you ever get your shit together, I will still be here waiting because I am a fucking idiot. But if you ever come back into my life, you better have a flight booked arriving into Buffalo when you do.
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by Concrete Rose
I just want you to know that you are a piece of fucking shit
You are 40 years old and arent man enough to treat me with any respect
You came crawling back to me again and i am the one that got hurt again
I told you not to disappear again and you said you wouldn't
I told you i dont deserve to be treated like that and you agreed
Who taught you that that is how you treat people? Especially a woman.
Yes, you really are a bad person
Yes, you really hurt me intentionally.
Every time
I'd love to know what I did to make you treat me like this.
Did I care too fucking much?
Was I too patient with you?
Did I give you too many chances?
Or was it because I wouldn't take any shit from you this time?
Who did you think about when masturbating saturday? Not your fucking wife
You said you missed me. You made it seem like not being able to call me sucked.
You said you wanted to visit.
Stay married and be unhappy.
Be annoyed every time you run an errand.
Have fun dealing with amanda.
Keep sleeping in your fucking car

You kept my number for 15 fucking years for a reason. Remember that
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by Concrete Rose
i told mark weeks ago to not disappear on me again. that i deserved better than that. that if things werent working, to tell me.

i havent heard from him in 27.5 hours. he called me yesterday and i ignored his call and sent him to my voicemail. i was so frustrated with him because it wasn't the first time. and i wanted him to know what if felt like. and he left me a voicemail explaining he left his phone at a store. and then he sent me a txt and apologized and said he tried calling me again and that the call wouldnt go through, like on saturday, and that he was an idiot and missed me. he said he needed to go to tmobile to get his phone looked at.

but i havent heard anything since then. and i am fucking spiraling. i have called him so many times and left so many voicemails and i have txted him and i emailed him.

i want to give him the benefit of the doubt, that i will hear from him later.

it was fucking different this time. we talked more on the phone. if i told him to call me, he did. he answered my call during a meeting at work last week. we were having real conversations. he was putting up with my shit and never once gave me shit back. he told me he never wanted me to stop telling him i was frustrated.

nothing good can ever happen to me. i jinx everything. just on friday i said to him, you havent disappeared... yet. and then i ignored his call yesterday. what if i had answered? what if what if what if what if what if what if what if

all i want is to hear him txting me, or hear him calling me. thats all i want. even if he tells me he can no longer talk to me, i need fucking closure.

i am so broken right now.
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July 10, 2021
by raen

I'm trying to upload pictures to anywhere and none of them want to load. The struggle of shooting in RAW is real today.

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July 8, 2021
by raen

Good afternoon readers!!


So yesterday I picked up my wedding dress! Months in advance! And two of my three bridesmaids also picked up their dresses. The other one is in Toronto and only just now got back to work so she hasn't had the money to order hers. Which is fine because the wedding isn't for a while. My dress fits perfectly, the only alterations needed are to hem it because I'm short and the dress is long, and to add the bustle so that I don't trip on the train or anyone else trips on it. It's not a long train, but it's long enough. Shit is getting real!


Chris is a little nervous about getting married. He was terrified of telling me and then when he did and I didn't blow up he was almost immediately relieved. I told him it was natural to feel nervous about it, and it's not like every single day I'm like "wwwooooo" I informed him that sometimes I have a nervous moment too. It's a big thing. But at the same time, our lives aren't going to change drastically. We're still going to be us.  


My mom bought the hairpiece I'll be using instead of a veil. It's gorgeous and rose gold with flowers and beads. Sort of matches the dress without being too on the nose. It's coming together nicely. I will not be wearing heels. I have a pair of white Keds I'll be adding either navy blue ribbons to instead of laces or burgundy ribbons. Haven't decided yet. It'll probably be navy blue for my something blue. Not that I'm traditional. There will be no garter/bouquet toss at my wedding. No thank you.

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Snooze Fest 2021
by vatten m

I have been a boring old adult today.  Haha.  I did some necessary yardwork.  It is not done yet, but I plan on working on it later on in the week.  I have a neighborhood boy who mows and weedeats my yard.  However, he is on vacation or something.  My yard was way too overgrown in certain areas.  If I see something and I have time to get it done, it usually gets done.  That is just my personality.  Haha.  My coworkers will find that out, the hard way, if they do not know that already.  I think I am about to get trained to become a shift lead there soon.  There is some people at work that are good workers, but like to sit by idly and not do their job at times.  That is a pet peeve of mine and it will come to light when I start directing them toward jobs that need to be done.  Haha.  

Let's see, what else have I done today?  I got distracted, haha.  Imagine that.  

I have also done laundry, cleaned litter boxes, vaccummed my entire house,  and purged a bunch of stuff out of my house.  I have been busy the past 1-2  weeks getting my classroom ready for next year...on my days off.  Today was officially the 1st day off  in almost 2 weeks.  I have had days off, but as said, I was at the school. 

(Backstory:   I already did have my classroom ready for next year.  Then the school decided that 4 of us teachers would be switching classrooms.  I have been moved into a much smaller classroom.  The pros for the move are that I have better lighting, an actual sink in the classroom, and I may not get all the random crap from the school thrown into my classroom.  My previous room was a "catch all" room.  If the school was not using the item, it got thrown into my room.  It was quite annoying. That's okay.  I learned to get it out of my room asap.  Haha.)

I also purged a bunch of random items out of my house.  Some of it is going to my classroom and consists of recycled or donated items.  I will be glad to have it out of my way.  Some of it went straight into the trashcan outside...along with my actual trash from this week.  (I know, I am not exciting.  Haha.)

I also created an example for an Art Certificate (for students at school).  I may or may not use it in the long run.  I wanted to have a prototype for one however.  Since I have a school owned laptop now, I can do that kind of stuff.  I do own a few laptops of my own, but they are older.  The internet does not correctly connect due to their age.  They were bought originally in 2007 or later.  I can access certain personal files on them if I wish.  I tried to put the files on this laptop, but it wouldn't read the files.  I guess the files were not in the correct format or are in an outdated format.  I am not entirely surprised.  As long as I can access them on the other laptops, I am okay with them not being on this laptop.  

Well, honestly, I have nothing else to say.  This is the first time in a LONG time that I have been able to type an entry out on a laptop.  That is the reason you all do not hear from me a lot.  I am usually typing on my phone.  That is a pain in the patootie, in my humble opinion.  Okay, I am out of here for now.  Talk to you later.--Your friendly neighborhood bore, Robyn  


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by I Fear Who I Am Beco

I have never had a problem in vilifying myself. Alyways, I have been my own worst nightmare, a thing of the shadows. A monster in my mind, a sick. filthy, discusting creature that bumbles like a bafoon through this life, and yet glides effortlessly under the cover of darkness in betwixt and between thick branches and vines, they scratch and claw at you, but wrap like the softest tendrils around me, drops of blood to you cause panic and dissaray, in my world, it is the sweetest delight, and when finished, you are absolutely joie de vivre......Im not really sure where the self hatred started, but it is the first thing I can remember. Besides being afraid. Was being very discusted with myself. Even as a little girl. Maybe it was the rejection. Always longing for a friend, always forced into sitauations where over time you saw the same people over and over and over so they were called your friends. Maybe even spent sleepover nights. But my god, when you were in a group, it was like a invisible dome of a bubble seperated you. You could hold out your hand, and still they would look past...You were...There...Playing the sport. Playing the part in a play. Writing in a club. Going on endless field trips to places that are now forgotten in time and space, and stolen from my brain by so many poachers and time theives. All together as one....Yet always alone......Surrounded........Yet in isolation..........Oh my god, if they coudl only see the opportunity they were handed and threw away. These ' godly ' people, these self righteous, hypocritical monsters that I had to endure. All I wanted was...Affection. Care. The touch of a hand, a direct look in the eye. Someone to notice...Its like those people in the movies who are always with others, and yet invisible. Oh people knew my name alright. Still do. As the black sheep, the dark one, the LESBIAN, the freak. The LESS THAN. And EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM I COULD PICK APART THEIR FLAWS EVEN NOW. They all wear masks. ALWAYS DID. They all judge. Always did. They ALL SECRETLY hold the deceivingly lovely bitterness in their souls. The anger. The difference between them and I? I never denied it. 

Uh oh, somebodies got isssuesssssss. Yep. And I dont need this worlds help either. IT IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF THAT YOU ARE CONSIDERED A NORMAL PERSON IN A SICK SOCIETY. Shame on you for conforming those who have. Was it worth your soul? You gave up gladly that which you claim to hate. Oh my my mummy's home. What next? Wanna find something about me to despise because you cant stand the gargoyl that is your soul when you look into the mirror? Oh wait. You got rid of that. Ooops. Wonder whats gonna happen when the hounds of hell come to collect that which you think you have in your tight fisted grasp? All you got is ashes darling. Smoke in the wind. Good luck. And GOD...SPEED. You are going to need all the help that you can get. 


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Housesitting for loved ones for a few days. I haven't had a lot to do with chickens aside from when I was 5, and my friend had evil rooster that we had to use a piece of rebar to keep him from spurring you.

Today while I was putting out ice to help keep the chickens cool, and check for eggs, I got to pet one. Silly I know to be excited about but it was new, and her feathers were so soft.

My friends have quite the menagerie. 

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So I was thinking about our almost conversation last night, and how I kinda froze like a deer in the headlights when it came to talking about sex. Sorry about that. Normally that doesnt happen, but as I said I am better with the writing side than verbals, and maybe I need some practice with the vocal side of things.

Gonna kinda approach this like I would anything else, which is with all of my heart and see how it goes. Sooo. Anyone who tells you that women can't please a girl like a guy can is 99% of times a dude. I cant tell you the number of times I was in public, minding my own business, and men started up conversations with me, not at all subtly hitting on me and when they found out I was in a relationship with a woman, isntead of being respectful as should be in ANY type of interaction, I can not count the numerous times they would say ' Well thats just because you havent had the right guy yet ', Or, well you haven't had the rick dick yet' Or my PERSONAL favorite, ' You havent tried me yet '. Gag me with a spork, because idk what person would find any of those things a turn on, but hey, I digress. Not my problem. Cept back then I was so sweet and nice that I allowed alot of shitty things to happen to me because I WAS pure hearted and didnt want to cause a problem. HOW SICK IS THAT. Anyways. Moving right along. 

Like I said before, a girl has to make love to my soul before anything else, and yeah I have had hookups but Im generally talking about someone I am really into, and maybe want to pursue a relationship with. 

Now then. You asked me about my fetishes? I like whips, and hate nipple clamps. Love strap on's, hate clit clamps. Because I have a high pain tolerance, people actually have to, REALLY hurt me to hurt me if that makes sense. I find...Sensuality in things like kisses that last a long time, looking into her eyes, finding out what makes her moan, what makes her body tremble, listening for that sharp intake of breath when your lips find just the right spot. Tracing every part of her with your fingers, like...Memorizing. Hm. Then on the other hand, I sometimes like having her wrists bound ( which takes absolute trust ) and using something as simple as a feather to gently, tease in all kinds of places because hey, whatcha gonna do about it? 

You asked me if I liked eating pussy, the answer is of course I do lol. I love finding each and every spot that is pleasure zone, and amplifying it her. Or in simpler terms, I love using my tongue, alternating between licking and sucking the clit, using my fingers too but when it comes to the strap on there are SO many different kinds, but I think one of my favorites is the one where both women are being penetrated at same time, one dick is smaller than the other, to accomidate the one on top. ANYWAYS, with those its a whole different ballgame, and the one using it on the other? THAT is a big part of where that primal force you are talking about comes in. Because when you, as a woman thrust deep inside another woman, deeper than anyone has ever gone, where there is no doubt of exactly how you feel about her, and look into her eyes? You get this feeling that rises up in yourself like...The word ' MINE ' seems to come to alot of peoples minds, like something just takes you over on the inside, and you start acting like you have done this all  your life, like a memory comes back almost, because...Maybe you werent you in another existence. Anyways, its hard to explain, but its sexual, and magical. Yeah theres...Not really going back after that on some levels. But yes going down on a girl is one of my favorite things to do, but theres so many different ways to make someone orgasm before you even get that far, and if I am with someone, I am not finished until she has has multiple orgasms, please tell me that has happened to you? Having literal back to back ones, like someone flipped a switch, and you just cant stop them from happening until your body is completely worn out, but your mind is begging for more? Yeah. I could write you a story explaining how to do this, but I find showing is much more effective, Though I think you like words too....I aim to please. ;) No really, I have given this some thought, and...If you did have an experience with me, I can promise you that you wouldnt be unhappy with it. But anyone can say that, right? I know this whole thing has been really basic, and I could have expounded a whole lot more, and maybe sometime I will. But I guess I just need you to know that the sex thing? IS NOT a prerequisite for me...Loving you. I have explored my soul on this one. I have never met anyone like you. Im not sure you yet comrehend how dark I truly am, but I adore you and you soul, your mind, your beautiful heart that beats for others even more than yourself. THAT is sexy to me more than anything. I have never ever ever wanted to get to know someone the way I want to know you. And...I hope thats okay. 

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