So, I just finished teaching my 3rd year of art (elementary level) at one of the local schools.  My school has been through many changes in that time.  This year was no exception.  We are going into the summer vacation minus a principal, a kindergarten teacher, and possibly another teacher.  We will not be offering enrollment to grades 7 & 8.  That was a surprise anouncement at the staff meeting after the Award Ceremony.  It was not a pleasant surprise to all people due to the lack of communication to us, the teachers.  This year has been a challenging year based on behavioral issues among multiple students, but it has also been a rewarding one.  I have personally seen so much improvement in many students.  I choose to focus on that rather than the students who love to antagonize. If I focused on those students who I would like to pinch their little heads off, I would be intensely unhappy.  

 

Funny story time:  I was outside with one class on the last offical art class day,and a particular student who is a great leader admitted how bossy she is.  I just smiled at her and said, "YOU are bossy?  Shocker!" , or something of the sort.  She knew I was joking with her.  She is very bossy though.  I won't sugarcoat my thoughts with her if she is willing to admit her characteristics.  It will serve her well in some situations and not so well in others.  Haha. 

Anyway, enough about school.  I have been doing well.  Since I last wrote here, life has been like a bronc busting ride....full of ups and downs.  So, in other words, it has been LIFE.  I cannot point out anything highly interesting about it to type in here.  I think that means I am boring.  Haha.  

One of my friends became a grandma to twins this year.  My cousin Julia had her first child, a girl.  My friend Lydia had her second child, another girl.  Several other people I know had kids or had some big event in their life.  I am just sitting over here on my porch and observing it all.  That is okay with me.   Actually, I was probably at work..at one of my jobs.  That is all I seem to know daily.  Haha.  

The after school art program I volunteer at ended for the summer.  I have no classes to teach at my school currently.    I have no Art Club meetings to lead until school starts back up.  What am I to do with myself?  I am thinking about leading some jewelry  making classes.  I may use my classroom at the school for a location.  I may do a lot of necessary yardwork/maintenance around my home.  I may do something else art related as well.  Then again, I may be a complete and utter bum.  Haha.

My family has some important plans for this summer.  I am going to see if I can join in on the fun there. Time will tell.  I was jokingly invited to my boss' (and her fiance's) honeymoon today.  I just about took them up on it because they are going to Mexico.  I am okay with that.  They don't have to see me while we are there.  I would find my way around perfectly fine.  I have a rudimentary education of the culture and language.  I understand more spanish that I speak, but I am also good at not showing that I understand.  Haha.  

Well, this bronc riding neighbor of yours is out of here.  Talk to you later.--Robyn

 

 

Well, probably more like one of those fucking months o_0. Work has been the biggest source of just killing my desire to really do anything. It's weird though, because while I'm at work I'm set to get home and work on my "book", craft something (resin or crochet), or work out. However, as soon as I get home I'm so fucking drained that I end up watching stupid TikToks or watching Grey's Anatomy. Not exactly how I want to be spending my time away from work, but I know I've been emotionally and physically exhausted. 

 

Had another interaction with my coworker, Amina, and I finally had enough......again. I ended up emailing my direct manager and my store manager. I basically said that at this point I feel like I've exhausted all ways that I can resolve this without them getting involved. That the way she speaks to me, about me, to my associates, how she behaves when asked for assistance by me for a customers or because I'm self aware enough to realize she may know how to do something I don't, is extremely unacceptable and starting to create a hostile work environment. I've started to dread going to work again because I know I have to either work with her for part of my shift or my entire shift and I never know if I'm going to get the professional and nice Amina or the snippy, condescending, blank stare Amina. It took almost a week to finally have a sit down with Mario (direct manager) and Kyle (store manager) but that was partly to do with one of my associates not reporting a walkout that happened with one of her customers, Kyle was on vacation for a couple days this week, and days off for myself and Mario. We finally had a minute to sit down yesterday and talk about it. I let Kyle know that I'm not looking for her and I to become friends again, I'm looking to have a professional and respectful work relationship. If it's something that I have done, let me know and I will own it and ensure I don't do it anymore going forward; if it's her simply unable to leave her outside issues at the door and is basically taking it out on me (as well as a few other associates but I didn't mention them as they want to talk to Kyle on their own) then I will start making sure I remind myself of that and don't take it personal; if she's unaware she's coming off as a condescending smart ass, ok, I can work with that too because now I've created the chance for her to get checked by someone higher up than me and I can't be labeled a bully for standing up for myself. The fucking twilight zone entered our store after this 0_o; Amina has been friendly and professional with me since yesterday and no, they have not talked to her yet. She was even joking with me today and it was very weird but I tried to just enjoy it and follow her lead, I've found that's usually the best course of action when she's having a good day. But holy shit has it been a weird fucking 24hrs.

 

My Dad is starting to do better. They found out three weeks ago that he has Gillian-Barré Syndrome, it's a disorder where his immune system starts attacking his peripheral nerves. It's doesn't have a cure in the sense of "Here's this prescription and this will go away in X days" but it's considered a medium-term condition that resolves within months. From what I've read, it can take about 6 months to resolve but it didn't state if it was from the start of symptoms or from the start of taking the meds prescribed to help your body fight it. He was in the hospital for a week starting the Monday he was asked to go to the ER by his doctor to have the tests run so they wouldn't have to wait, and then he did two weeks in rehab to help with his legs since he had the neuropathy and weakness in his hands. He has like twelve weeks of occupational therapy to continue his healing, so we're headed in the right direction. It's a little tough because there isn't a set finish line because it's not a curable condition with medication, so I know that adds some extra stress to my mom. I got her a little spa kit for Mother's Day, so she can try and have some moments at home to relax but I know she needs like a real spa day at a spa and just get away for a few hours. Dad's been a good patient for his doctors and for Mom. He is probably feeling guilty that Mom has had to take on taking care of him as she continues to work but he also knows that Mom wouldn't be any other way. He even apologized to me for "having to see me like this" when I went to hang out with him so Mom felt comfortable to leave and so I could have some time with him. I almost started crying because it just really brought it home that he wasn't his usual strong, sure personality. I managed to keep myself from doing that and told him the truth, that he has absolutely nothing to apologize for. I feel bad that I haven't had a chance to get back out there but I check in with them a lot more regularly than I use to and I'm hoping to go out there this week to see them. 

 

Hubby and I celebrated our 5 year wedding (and 11 years together) anniversary a couple weeks ago. We got tattoos and then ended up going to Reno. His Aunt isn't doing well, she has cancer and she got covid a few months back, which just really did a number on her health. She's maybe a buck five soaking wet now. Plus Nick's(hubby) grandma is like 83 or something, so she's not exactly going to be around for long. Kind of messed up to say, but a reality we are having to face. We did manage to carve out time for just us while we were there. We spent two nights at the Peppermill Resort and just gambled and relaxed. We went to the steak house in the resort for our anniversary Friday night and had a delicious meal. Saturday we had breakfast with his grandma and then went back to the resort for a nap. We got some hot tub time in and then gambled some more. It was very low key and simple, just the way we like it. 

 

Well, that's all that I can focus enough to put down and deal with. I have the anniversary of Papa's passing and his first heavenly birthday coming up, so I've been trying to get myself emotionally ready for that. Thank God I have Nick to help me through it. Have a good one, y'all. I also put a few pictures from our trip.

I guess I am getting divorced. So thats fun.

This sucks. I miss him. But I've been missing him.

I'm not utilizing this that often and I know I should be. I just don't have the energy some days. It's not like I don't have the time, because believe me, I do...

On March 27 Grandpa Ted passed away peacefully in his sleep at 89 years old. Last Fall he did have a small stroke and he had been sick and in the hospital a few times this last year for pneumonia, I just don't think anyone was prepared for him to pass away when he did. It's hard to accept when people are mentally ok and physically ok. The night before he was watching the basketball game and wondering about his lottery tickets. I had a lot of guilt (and still do) because I hadn't seen him since around Christmas. He was staying with Aunt Sallie, who is only 45 minutes away, and in those 3 months I couldn't carve out an afternoon to go visit him. You always think you have more time, right? I felt like a zombie at his funeral. I felt like I wasn't as sad as when Grandma Connie died. I didn't even hug my fucking Dad. It's hard knowing that there will be no more family gatherings in their house. That soon someone else will own it.

Work is work. I go and do what I have to do and collect my paycheck. A lot of my co-workers annoy me. I can't stand any of the supervisors. They don't care that someone who has been there for 10 years (not me, someone else), is making less money than someone who just started and their job has less requirements. We've been getting bigger raises these last few years, and these bonuses from grants, so they just throw that in your face and say you should be grateful. But at what point does your loyalty to a place pay off? At what point do you make more money than people in certain positions or with certain degrees because you've been there for so long? Last year mostly everyone got a 10% raise, depending on your hire date. Those that didn't qualify for that, STILL got a 9% raise because the pay scale changed. I'm just sick of wasting my breath on things that no one cares about. Even things involving the clients the supervisors don't care about. I told two of the other clerical girls that if the supervisors don't care, then I can't care either. I've been there 7.5 years, the other girl has been there around 8.5 and the other has been there 10. We are just sick of everything. Sadly because of all of these raises, we know we can't go anywhere else and make as much money. Since it's just me and I'm paying everything on my own, I can't take a pay cut.

It is almost pool season, which I should be happy about. I mean, I am, it's just frustrating sometimes owning a pool by yourself. The weekend before Grandpa passed away it was REALLY windy. The pool cover blew off and I had to call Dad. We were able to put the cover back on, but didn't do it until a week later, because of everything going on. I noticed a small hole in it, so I had to put flex tape on it just to make it last 2 more months. But now that pool cover can't be used again and I only got 1 season out of it. Now there is more crap in my pool that I have to get out. I don't know if I can still use my pool filter. Last year I noticed I couldn't screw it on the entire way. It was the last day, so I didn't worry about it. So I don't know if I should try to use it, or buy a new one. If I try to use it and it doesn't work, then I had to tear everything apart to hook up a new one. Again, it's frustrating when it's just you trying to figure shit out.

I feel like my body is failing me. My knees hurt. I can hardly crouch anymore. It wouldn't surprise me if I need surgery. I've had this small lump on the upper part of my back/neck for years and it hasn't bothered me. No issues with it, so I assumed it was a cyst. Well, this last week something has been bothering me to notice this even more. I don't know if it's what I've been doing at work, which makes my neck hurt, so then I rubbed this spot and now this lump is more noticeable. I don't know if it's because it's gotten bigger, or because I just won't leave it alone that I notice it more. I keep touching it to make sure it hasn't gotten bigger, so I think because I'm touching it it kind of makes the area red and makes the area hurt. Because I don't remember this bothering me last weekend. Last weekend I helped Dad finish something and went out to eat and I don't remember worrying about this. Then I look in the mirror and wonder if it's stuck out and been this noticeable before. Maybe it has but it hasn't bothered me, I just know it's there. I've been debating whether to go get a yearly physical and bring this up. I just worry that it is something. I worry that they want to do something, and it'll interfere with being in the pool. So I know I should go figure it out NOW and then I'll stop worrying about it and hopefully it'll be taken care of before Summer. But I HATE the fucking doctor... I'm sure this is my body telling me something is wrong and I need to suck it up and go.

Way back in January I had a few dreams about Mark. In the one dream he tried calling me and I didn't know he was going to and accidently denied his call because I was doing something on my phone. I tried calling him back but he didn't answer and I txted him telling him to pick up, that I didn't mean to deny it. Then in the other dream he was txting me, but then his wife sent a txt, saying that it had only been 1.5 years this time and he was reaching out to me again. So the first dream was too fucking realistic, because that basically happened, except I purposely denied his phone call. The other dream was accurate in that at the time it was 1.5 years since he had talked to me. But he always seems to come back, right?

Just a few nights ago I had a dream about Tom where he sent a facebook message wanting to come back and apologized for what he did. I remember reading it and not responding, annoyed that he reached out. Once in a while I creep on his Facebook page. He's still married, but it doesn't look like they have any kids together, still just the two she had. Apparently, his brother moved and wouldn't take their 12 year old dog, but took their other, so Tom took it. Then I saw another post where they had another dog that needed surgery and started a GoFundMe. Claimed they were living paycheck to paycheck (shocker) and couldn't get a pet loan (shocker). Then I saw where he fell on the ice (again) and needed stiches. Overall, I think I dodged a bullet.

I just read my entry from last July where I had similar dreams. Mark comes back but is still with his wife. Tom comes back and apologizes and wants me back, but I want nothing to do with him. Dreams don't lie. It's hard to believe that it's been almost 2 years since Mark reached out to me again. I still think about him and I still miss him.

Canada Geese are the real thing Canadians fear....as such, understand my bravery today in getting this shot of the two of them staring me down like I'm their next meal. They started hissing at me shortly after I got the shot. 

 

 

Here are some more shots....including a bathroom selfie from my hotel room. LOL

 

 

Can someone tell me why everyone in the service industry in NYC was so shocked when the following words were directed to them? These are the words: Please, thank you, have a nice day.  What the hell guys? Why is that a shock????????? Anyway, here are some photos.

 

 

 

Was in NYC for Easter. Had a great time! 

 

 

I now have converted to a public blog at www.dailyvalencia.com. The Website just went live. So please check it out! I will be doing book reviews, Trader Joe hauls, house decor (once we buy a house), plus size clothing (from sustainable companies) reviews, Ryan will be guest posting also music reviews, his art etc. Basically a lifestyle branded blog.i will still post here every once in a while but Daily Valencia is my new passion project. Always wanted to create my own blog and I can finally do it! Very excited!

-Valencia

I've been feeling lost in thought of late. I'm not dwelling on things, but I wonder what would have happened if he had just gotten the help he needed when he originally started displaying his declining mental health. Of course, he also needs to address that entire gaslighting thing he does, but I suppose the wondering what if isn't really going to get me anywhere. And the petty part of me is quite pleased that his life has been so fucked up that he was forcibly transferred from the LCBO he's used to working at. He let his own drama explode all over his work. The shocking thing is that he has always in the past prided himself on his professionalism.  I joke about this, but I swear, every man/boy I've ever been with seems to have some shocking mental explosion after we've broken up. Sometimes it happens just before the end, but it always manages to happen...so I break guys? Lol Kaitlin says no. She says it's because I know who I am, am confident in that, and men/boys/whatever don't really want that. They want someone who they can take care of or make into their own version of what their girlfriend/partner should be. 

 

Anyway, so our NYC trip is coming up soon. Excitement! Pretty pumped about that. Getting my mental packing list going and I'm really looking forward to not being at work or even in the country for a few days. I'll be excited to be out of contact with the world. Yaaaassssss Vacation!

My dad called today. He had Covid a few weeks back and had an update. Apparently he's still struggling with after effects and ..... basically long term Covid. He's still got a cough but now he's also having neuropathy in his legs and hands. He already had a compromised immune system due to his diabetes; which can lead to neuropathy if you don't do what you are suppose to do to properly treat your diabetes. Covid basically exacerbated it and now he's dealing with this. There is no fucking cure for neuropathy. My dad got prescribed 7 different medications today. 
 

It's been a struggle to not go down the rabbit hole because of all the losses in the last few years and......this is my dad. This is the man that stepped in where a lesser man couldn't/wouldn't. I'm not ready for my dad to have neurological issues. He's only 57 for Christ's sake. 
 

If my family could getting a fucking break, that'd be great. 

Here is a selfie and two golden retrievers. The older one is Chuck, looking dapper as all heck. The younger one is Zoe, pretty as a little lady can be. 

Trip to NYC is booked and paid for. Excited for that in April.

 

The last two months I've stopped snacking. From what I can tell I've lost at least ten pounds just from that. I think maybe a little more, but I haven't weighed myself since the Chris fiasco so it could be more. My pants definitely fit better. They'll be too big soon. I added some workouts into my routine this week. Since I already walk to and from work everyday, that's also helping. The whole not snacking and not eating fast food thing has really helped. Probably at this point I'm in a calorie deficit. Once I get to an ideal weight for me, I'll add back healthy calories to compensate for my activity. I've been in weight loss mode (accidentally if I'm honest) and once I get where I want to, I'll focus on msucle building  and keeping my calorie intake at a healthy range with yummy foods. 

 

Since this is the first time I'm actually doing this in a successful manner, one would assume it's because I'm not eating junk. Chris has always had shitty eating habits and I definitely picked up some from him in the six years we were together. Since moving back in with one of my best friends, my eating habits were a little bit wonky from stress, but now I'm getting back on track. It'll also be a money saver for me. So that's nice. Less snacking, less spending. Hurrah! 

 

Since I just finished a workout, I'm off to shower and then make lunch. I'm doing a split shift today because everyone and their mom called in sick today except me and I'm a team player. Or rather....I'm one of the managers soooo. Lol Cheers!

Over the last few days, I've had a couple different guys message me. I know what they're getting at....and I want no part. One of these guys is MARRIED! Like, BRO!, you have a wife and kid at home. And you want to send me your weiner pics. Pass. Hard pass. 

 

I'll never understand...the older I get - all guys my age want to do is get their weiners wet and that's it. Don't want to get married. Don't want kids, or already have them and very limited involvement. WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN!!!!???? 

The homes we wanted so bad, they rejected the offer and then decided to take it off the market. This house has been on the market for a year and nobody showed interest in buying it and then we put an offer ABOVE asking price, then rejected it. So damn infuriating. We are trying to buy asap also because right now is a buys market and soon it will be a sellers market. Sigh!
Anyways, we saw two more homes one a townhouse with HOA fees so darn high and then another historic home 2 bedroom and so perfect and beautiful for us. We put an offer in yesterday and they came back and asked how much more can we out and so we gave the max offer that we can go and that is a stretch, they will tell us tomorrow. Fingers crossed. This house needs a new roof and that is it everything else is good.

Anyways our realtor might have a temporary rental home for us just incase we can't find anything, so atleast we won't be houseless.

That is all I have. And also we have disclosures on all the homes that we have seen.

How many years has it been, yo?
  Decided to go down the nostalgia road and came across my old diaries! Sometimes, I really miss Bloopin' . . . Alas, there would be too much to update on. Life is pretty good.
  Visited USA for the first time in 2022 and it was epic. Made another trip to Iceland, too. 
Finally got to see Nightwish in concert and it was bliss!
We saw them perform in Dublin, Ireland.
  2023 is proving to be rather relaxed so far. Just been going to the theatre (musicals, operas, etc.) a lot. Hibernating from the cold weather by gaming. Still playing SWTOR, of course. Currently obsessing over Elden Ring & Hogwarts Legacy.
  More travel plans this year. . .
  I hope everyone is doing well! -Loki

Since this whole split...my hypochondria has flared full blast. Why has it been 3 months of hoaseness, wheezing and coughing? Sometimes congested, sometimes not. I just finished 2 STRONG antibiotics...and not my throat hurts (dryness feeling). I've done breathing treatments, breathing exercises. Drinking water ALL the livelong day. Vitamins.  WHY AM I NOT GETTING BETTER!? I went to the pulmonologists and he said my lungs and all my tests were normal. He said the bloodwork from the hospital looked great. BUT YET! When I try to investigate on my own I've got congital heart failure and fatty liver disease. LIKE SERIOUSLY! I make myself so mad. I just want to be better. I'm so sick of coughing to where I piss on myself. 

 

My friend of 8 years, Jamie, told me that her lungs went to shit at 30. I'm 35. I weight 287 lbs and I'm a type 2 diabetic. I need to get my ass in gear. For real. What am I waiting on? I don't want to get the bariatric sleeve, I want to change my mind on how I view food. I want to know the toxicity of these things and change my brain to eating healthier and living better. AND THEN lose weight naturally. And then get a skin removal surgery. 

 

All in due time, I guess. 

So on Saturday we saw a condo and we loved it but then we saw a house that we loved but then read the disclosures and holy shit so much wrong with it. It was not worth it. So then I happened to come across another house and I told Ryan's mom because she lives closer to go check it out and yesterday she did and she took a video of it for us and holy shit I can't wait to go see it tomorrow. It is so beautiful, it is over a 100 years old but has new electrical wiring and plumbing. The owners did a good job of leaving it original at the same time as making it modern. The kitchen is open layout and the views are stunning. Tomorrow we are going to go see it and if we love it as much as his mom says we will then put an offer. It is a 2 bedroom 1 bath. Also the bathroom needs to be redone but the seller is willing to redo it for us if we buy it soo 🤷. I love old houses and it is like 0.3 miles away from Ryan's mom. 😆 Our realtor suggested we do a inspection before we put an offer in. We read the disclosures and nothing alarming but we are going to do our own inspection to make sure nothing major needs to be done. I will keep you all updated. I hope by the end of this week we put an offer in. The mortgage payments will be a bit heavy but his mom is willing to put 1k a month towards it and so then we would pay the rest. Much more manageable. We are looking at like 3800-4k a month. Holy fk! But like his mom is telling us and giving us advice we can build equity and in two years probably sale it for like 800k or even 900k. It is been sold for 550k. She said we can probably get a 200k profit then we can buy another home with a large down payment and payments will be more cheaper. But the problem Is that we don't want a larger home and love old homes and probably wouldn't even want to resale. Lol! Anyways first things first we need to buy the home and we have about 30 days until we are out of our rental. We were going to go month to month but we decided against it. We are ready to get out of here. Fingers crossed we can move in to our new place quickly.

We got the pre-approval letter today and tomorrow we have a few homes to go look at. I am so excited for us to have our own little place.

They approved up to 650k but we definitely will not buy to that amount. We just need a starter home fingers crossed we could find one in our price range.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
this is weird.
i haven't been on bloop since, what? 2009?
it's unfortunate i can't recover my old diary but oh well.
figured i'd jump back in with a BANG using html and shit, lmaoooo.
maybe i'll hang around this time for nostalgia purposes.


Sx3.Layouts

Hello everyone!

So I have so much good news on the home front but don't want to jinx it either or self-sabotage but I am to excited.

So last Saturday we went to go look at a home but it was not the right fit for us so afterwards we went to Ryan's mom house and she suggested that we do a mortgage application and she said she would gift us the down payment and if you know anything about homes in Cali and how expensive they are. Literally the least expensive home we have found if we want to buy is like 300k which is basically a 2 bedroom which is fine we don't need something big.

His mom said she would gift us 50k for a down-payment and me and Ryan both looked at each other and were like yeah right but nope she was for real. She explained how that we would be paying the same mortgage payment for a house and an apartment and that it is probably better for us to atleast try to get pre-approved for a mortgage. So we did the application right there and then, By Tuesday the mortgage broker was asking for more documents and by Wed they checked our credit and I know my credit was really bad (got bad when covid hit and lost my job, long story.) I am currently working on my credit. The mortgage broker said that if we could get a cosigner to sign with Ryan because apparently Ryan got approved but they couldn't get me approved with him because of not credit. Income is sufficient but Ryan's is not with mine it would but my credit is not good and at first Ryan's mom was like nope I won't Co sign but then I convinced her and also the mortgage broker told me that if I could fix my credit within the next few years we could refinance and take Ryan's mom off and put me on there but I have to fix my credit. I currently working with a credit repair company and yes it has increased just not enough. So Ryan's mom is a co-signer for a mortgage with Ryan and fingers crossed we will get the pre-approval letter by Friday and can go see homes by the weekend.

I am not sure how fast we can get this closed and find a home but it seems we will have an actual house instead of an apt. We are so excited hopefully it goes through. We are lucky that Ryan's mom is giving us a down-payment and Co-signing. I will keep you all updated!!!

Sometimes the sadness overwhelms

 

It slips through the cracks, waiting

 

I'm held in its grip, begging to be free

 

But I know it's a matter of time

 

And until then, I'll hold it like a dear friend

 

I'll cuddle it to me, knowing one day it will give way

 

And the happiness is just one more moment away 

 

One more moment

 

The reminders just come more infrequently as time goes on. 
 

I’m laying in bed and realizing I absolutely do not want to do anything for my birthday. How can I, when a year ago part of my world was taken and my heart broken with the loss of Papa? I know this thought process would disappoint him. He wouldn’t want anyone to wallow in sorrow at his memory, but rejoice in having known him. It’s so fucking hard though. I just want him back.

 

His house has sold and as far as I know there isn't even a fucking headstone to visit because god forbid this fucking emotionally stunted "family" I'm left with actually FUCKING COMMUNICATE!!! 
 

Why do I have to pick up his mantle to keep this family together?! And I fucking can't because it mentally breaks me having to deal with them. How could the two people who sacrificed their lives to co-parent with my mother because Albie couldnt (wouldn't), raise TWO self centered pricks?!

The worst part? I never got to say goodbye and I always made excuses to push off going out to Papa's place but always had time for Hubby's family. 
 

Why? And there's no one to blame but myself. 

Heyyy!

We just came back from vacation in Hawaii, and it was a blast. Another state crossed off!!!

It was really fun!
We did two days in the Disney Resort Auliana. Holy shit the most beautiful resort I have ever been too. We want to go back so bad!! So gorgeous and really We were speechless as we walked in. Everything is very traditional Hawaiian. It is so gorgeous and very expensive like 2k a night expensive. Ryan's mom paid for it. We could never afford this. 😔

We did Pearl Harbor half a day then the other half at the resort. Honestly I would have loved to stay in the resort the whole two days but Ryan's mom wanted to show me because she has gone many times before. And Ryan has gone a few times also.

The first night we got there we did the Disney Luau, it was so magical and beautiful. Never been to a Luau, then the following morning we did Pearl Harbor and that was very sombering especially because my grandfather fought in War War II, there are like over 500 men still buried underneath. It is so damn sad, and they are not able to move the boat because it has a ton of oil and explosives, it is so insane.

We also visited Iolani Palace it was about the history of Hawaii and indigenous royalty. It was awesome and of course they talked about us colonizing the island because we are colonizers. I swear this country has such a dark history.

We were going to go to the Bishop Museum, even had tickets and everything 🙄, when we arrived they told us that they were filming a show at the Musuem, so annoying. So we couldn't go even when we called (two weeks prior)and they told us they would be open on that day.

On one of the days we drove to the north shore, so gorgeous and a beautiful community. We shopped at some shops, had lunch , and then we had shaved ice hawaiian style. It started pouring as soon as we got to the shaved ice place. It was such a unique experience. I was telling Ryan ,that if he would have told me a year ago this would be our life, I would think he is crazy. Can't get better than that moment that I will savor forever. In the pouring rain eating shaved ice outside with the love of my life. It was awesome.

We also went to the dole plantation and that was an experience in itself. We took a train ride through the area where they grow pineapples (mainly) and different fruits. The dole whip was also invented there. So good!!! Also in the middle of the train ride the train broke down.. so crazy, so we had to get off and walk a bit to the area where the train ended. Then we saw a botanical garden, with hawaiian native flowers.

On this day in North Shore we saw Matthew McCaughey, it was insane. He was shopping with his son for a swim suit. It was pretty wild to witness it and No one bothered him at all. It was like just any other person. Turns out he has a 2nd house there and everyone knows him and he is a regular. He had no entourage, no nanny, nothing just him and his son.

We then went to Kuoloa Ranch where they have filmed so many movies and shows like Lost, 50 first dates, Hawaii 5-0, Jurassic Park and many more. They rode us around the ranch and basically it was a set tour. It was pretty awesome. We went into some bunkers and we saw so much memorabilia and at the end they had Lost Items. I freaked the fuck out because that is my very favorite show ever. They had the original computer, a lot smaller in person. I literally lost my mind and it was so freaking cool. They had a ton of Lost items.

If we ever go back to Hawaii, we want to go back to the ranch and visit Bishop museum. Hawaii beaches are gorgeous and just breathtaking. It is everything you see in movies or photos and more. We stayed at another resort in Waikiki called the Moana Surfrider. Another Hawaiian resort. So gorgeous and right on the beach. We went to the aquarium and ate in many different restaurants there. We had sushi and a lot of pork. We had a ton of Hawaiian food. So goof! The sushi was the best I have ever had!!!

I also forgot to mention that we took a submarine a legit real one in the middle of the Pacfic. That was amazing and really on my bucket list since I can't snorkel. We saw so many sharks and reefs and also the tour talked about ocean conservation and what they do to create more fish and reefs. It was awesome!!

All in all the trip was amazing experience and very fun! It was a week but I feel like it went by so fast.

We want to now visit Portland hopefully during the spring or summer for a long weekend. But now we have to focus on moving out of this house and finding an apartment. We want to move out sometime early March. On Saturday we have three apartments and a house to go see. Then we will start applying to them once we Tour then. All the tours are set up.
I am a bit nervous because I am scared of being homeless.

Our roomate is the most annoying asshole person ever. So we are itching to get the fuck out of here.

Anyways I will keep you all updated on moving to our new place. Fingers crossed we get approve!!!

Peace, Valencia

Not too sure how I feel about being back here, but here I am.. got a lot of shit, and drama last time I was here... I was also a teenager and wanted babies sooo bad.

Well, now I have babies. I have two of them. A boy, who's almost 8, named Rylan - his Nana has full custody of him, and he lives 12 hours away from me..

I also have a little girl, her name is Everleigh & she's 2 years old. She's the apple of my eye. The baby I've raised from the start. I love her soo much,

I'm taken. By a wonderful man named Marcus, he's 43, and a hard worker & makes sure he takes care of me and my babies. <3

I think if I get drama and shit for being here this time, I'll make everything private and just write for myself.

I posted my unworn wedding dress on facebook marketplace and kijiji today. Finally did it. *sigh* Blah. I'm so mad. That was my dream dress. I'm so turned off from any type of relationship now that it makes me so mad. He just destroyed my faith in relationships or the institution of marriage. Thanks millions. 

I sit here in disbelief that my life is very much unraveling right in front of my eyes.... my worst nightmare became a reality... what I wouldn't give to trade places with you.... I wish I never received that call that they found you unresponsive. How the fuck does that even happen in a nursing home?... Stupid fucking nurses keeping you off the ventilator... I'll hold every bitch ass person accountable in that fucked up place. Vibra will be held accountable for your death. You was so close to coming home.... I'm so fucking sorry mom. I failed you. I should have never left you alone. We should have all been taking turns sleeping up there with you making sure they put you on the fucking ventilatior and taking notes... I'm sorry... I should have pulled you out of vibra the second they didn't change your trach and let you fall out of bed... I totally failed you and I know that. I should have trusted my gut instinct but I thought I was just overreacting... clearly I wasn't. I can not fucking believe I'm about to watch you  take your last breath.... I can not face this world without you... I fucking need you.... when I was at your bed side on the left side earlier and I was telling you that your organs are shutting down and we're calling hospice in to make you comfortable bc your dying... you heard my voice crack and how upset I was... it took all your strength but you reached up and tried wrapping your arm around me.... I couldn't hold back my tears any longer... I completely lost it. Your nurse seen you hug me and she also cried. That took all your strength. You was trying to comfort me on your death bed. That's how giving you were. I hate that we fought months before you got so sick. That's a regret I have to live with for the rest of my fucking life. I wish I could take that stupid petty fight back......

Mom and I came over to visit your mom again. I walked into the kitchen and seen there was dishes to be done.. so I walked back into the living room where our moms were and told them I’m gonna do them. Lol your mom said I didn’t have to and that it was your chore. I told her I really don’t mind and went back to the kitchen. Then the sink was filling up because the drain was covered and I yelled for your mom saying sink is filling up because I knew your mom would yell for you to come help me. Was just a cover to get you alone lol but you came to my rescue and grinded up against me. I turned off the water and turned to face you. I grabbed your hand and waited for you to make your move lol but you never did. Your too shy when it comes to me. I can’t wait until you do finally make your move. You’ll make my entire day. No… my entire year. You will be mine… eventually 

Mom and I went over to her friends house today she has a little girl around my age. Her name is Alyssa. She’s alright. She’s too shy and doesn’t like to do much. Kinda boring if you ask me. I seen her older brother and she introduced me to her older brother Andy. She said I can’t be her friend if I’m friends with her brother bc he’s always mean to her? Lol… older brothers are always mean lol but to be honest I rather be his friend. He’s very handsome and makes my heart beat faster. Weird right? Just met him and I’m crazy about him already. But how do I get him to notice me and make the first move? Guess I’ll slowly drive him crazy and hope he makes his move…