My dad called today. He had Covid a few weeks back and had an update. Apparently he's still struggling with after effects and ..... basically long term Covid. He's still got a cough but now he's also having neuropathy in his legs and hands. He already had a compromised immune system due to his diabetes; which can lead to neuropathy if you don't do what you are suppose to do to properly treat your diabetes. Covid basically exacerbated it and now he's dealing with this. There is no fucking cure for neuropathy. My dad got prescribed 7 different medications today. 
 

It's been a struggle to not go down the rabbit hole because of all the losses in the last few years and......this is my dad. This is the man that stepped in where a lesser man couldn't/wouldn't. I'm not ready for my dad to have neurological issues. He's only 57 for Christ's sake. 
 

If my family could getting a fucking break, that'd be great. 

Here is a selfie and two golden retrievers. The older one is Chuck, looking dapper as all heck. The younger one is Zoe, pretty as a little lady can be. 

Trip to NYC is booked and paid for. Excited for that in April.

 

The last two months I've stopped snacking. From what I can tell I've lost at least ten pounds just from that. I think maybe a little more, but I haven't weighed myself since the Chris fiasco so it could be more. My pants definitely fit better. They'll be too big soon. I added some workouts into my routine this week. Since I already walk to and from work everyday, that's also helping. The whole not snacking and not eating fast food thing has really helped. Probably at this point I'm in a calorie deficit. Once I get to an ideal weight for me, I'll add back healthy calories to compensate for my activity. I've been in weight loss mode (accidentally if I'm honest) and once I get where I want to, I'll focus on msucle building  and keeping my calorie intake at a healthy range with yummy foods. 

 

Since this is the first time I'm actually doing this in a successful manner, one would assume it's because I'm not eating junk. Chris has always had shitty eating habits and I definitely picked up some from him in the six years we were together. Since moving back in with one of my best friends, my eating habits were a little bit wonky from stress, but now I'm getting back on track. It'll also be a money saver for me. So that's nice. Less snacking, less spending. Hurrah! 

 

Since I just finished a workout, I'm off to shower and then make lunch. I'm doing a split shift today because everyone and their mom called in sick today except me and I'm a team player. Or rather....I'm one of the managers soooo. Lol Cheers!

Over the last few days, I've had a couple different guys message me. I know what they're getting at....and I want no part. One of these guys is MARRIED! Like, BRO!, you have a wife and kid at home. And you want to send me your weiner pics. Pass. Hard pass. 

 

I'll never understand...the older I get - all guys my age want to do is get their weiners wet and that's it. Don't want to get married. Don't want kids, or already have them and very limited involvement. WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN!!!!???? 

The homes we wanted so bad, they rejected the offer and then decided to take it off the market. This house has been on the market for a year and nobody showed interest in buying it and then we put an offer ABOVE asking price, then rejected it. So damn infuriating. We are trying to buy asap also because right now is a buys market and soon it will be a sellers market. Sigh!
Anyways, we saw two more homes one a townhouse with HOA fees so darn high and then another historic home 2 bedroom and so perfect and beautiful for us. We put an offer in yesterday and they came back and asked how much more can we out and so we gave the max offer that we can go and that is a stretch, they will tell us tomorrow. Fingers crossed. This house needs a new roof and that is it everything else is good.

Anyways our realtor might have a temporary rental home for us just incase we can't find anything, so atleast we won't be houseless.

That is all I have. And also we have disclosures on all the homes that we have seen.

How many years has it been, yo?
  Decided to go down the nostalgia road and came across my old diaries! Sometimes, I really miss Bloopin' . . . Alas, there would be too much to update on. Life is pretty good.
  Visited USA for the first time in 2022 and it was epic. Made another trip to Iceland, too. 
Finally got to see Nightwish in concert and it was bliss!
We saw them perform in Dublin, Ireland.
  2023 is proving to be rather relaxed so far. Just been going to the theatre (musicals, operas, etc.) a lot. Hibernating from the cold weather by gaming. Still playing SWTOR, of course. Currently obsessing over Elden Ring & Hogwarts Legacy.
  More travel plans this year. . .
  I hope everyone is doing well! -Loki

Since this whole split...my hypochondria has flared full blast. Why has it been 3 months of hoaseness, wheezing and coughing? Sometimes congested, sometimes not. I just finished 2 STRONG antibiotics...and not my throat hurts (dryness feeling). I've done breathing treatments, breathing exercises. Drinking water ALL the livelong day. Vitamins.  WHY AM I NOT GETTING BETTER!? I went to the pulmonologists and he said my lungs and all my tests were normal. He said the bloodwork from the hospital looked great. BUT YET! When I try to investigate on my own I've got congital heart failure and fatty liver disease. LIKE SERIOUSLY! I make myself so mad. I just want to be better. I'm so sick of coughing to where I piss on myself. 

 

My friend of 8 years, Jamie, told me that her lungs went to shit at 30. I'm 35. I weight 287 lbs and I'm a type 2 diabetic. I need to get my ass in gear. For real. What am I waiting on? I don't want to get the bariatric sleeve, I want to change my mind on how I view food. I want to know the toxicity of these things and change my brain to eating healthier and living better. AND THEN lose weight naturally. And then get a skin removal surgery. 

 

All in due time, I guess. 

So on Saturday we saw a condo and we loved it but then we saw a house that we loved but then read the disclosures and holy shit so much wrong with it. It was not worth it. So then I happened to come across another house and I told Ryan's mom because she lives closer to go check it out and yesterday she did and she took a video of it for us and holy shit I can't wait to go see it tomorrow. It is so beautiful, it is over a 100 years old but has new electrical wiring and plumbing. The owners did a good job of leaving it original at the same time as making it modern. The kitchen is open layout and the views are stunning. Tomorrow we are going to go see it and if we love it as much as his mom says we will then put an offer. It is a 2 bedroom 1 bath. Also the bathroom needs to be redone but the seller is willing to redo it for us if we buy it soo 🤷. I love old houses and it is like 0.3 miles away from Ryan's mom. 😆 Our realtor suggested we do a inspection before we put an offer in. We read the disclosures and nothing alarming but we are going to do our own inspection to make sure nothing major needs to be done. I will keep you all updated. I hope by the end of this week we put an offer in. The mortgage payments will be a bit heavy but his mom is willing to put 1k a month towards it and so then we would pay the rest. Much more manageable. We are looking at like 3800-4k a month. Holy fk! But like his mom is telling us and giving us advice we can build equity and in two years probably sale it for like 800k or even 900k. It is been sold for 550k. She said we can probably get a 200k profit then we can buy another home with a large down payment and payments will be more cheaper. But the problem Is that we don't want a larger home and love old homes and probably wouldn't even want to resale. Lol! Anyways first things first we need to buy the home and we have about 30 days until we are out of our rental. We were going to go month to month but we decided against it. We are ready to get out of here. Fingers crossed we can move in to our new place quickly.

We got the pre-approval letter today and tomorrow we have a few homes to go look at. I am so excited for us to have our own little place.

They approved up to 650k but we definitely will not buy to that amount. We just need a starter home fingers crossed we could find one in our price range.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
this is weird.
i haven't been on bloop since, what? 2009?
it's unfortunate i can't recover my old diary but oh well.
figured i'd jump back in with a BANG using html and shit, lmaoooo.
maybe i'll hang around this time for nostalgia purposes.


Sx3.Layouts

Hello everyone!

So I have so much good news on the home front but don't want to jinx it either or self-sabotage but I am to excited.

So last Saturday we went to go look at a home but it was not the right fit for us so afterwards we went to Ryan's mom house and she suggested that we do a mortgage application and she said she would gift us the down payment and if you know anything about homes in Cali and how expensive they are. Literally the least expensive home we have found if we want to buy is like 300k which is basically a 2 bedroom which is fine we don't need something big.

His mom said she would gift us 50k for a down-payment and me and Ryan both looked at each other and were like yeah right but nope she was for real. She explained how that we would be paying the same mortgage payment for a house and an apartment and that it is probably better for us to atleast try to get pre-approved for a mortgage. So we did the application right there and then, By Tuesday the mortgage broker was asking for more documents and by Wed they checked our credit and I know my credit was really bad (got bad when covid hit and lost my job, long story.) I am currently working on my credit. The mortgage broker said that if we could get a cosigner to sign with Ryan because apparently Ryan got approved but they couldn't get me approved with him because of not credit. Income is sufficient but Ryan's is not with mine it would but my credit is not good and at first Ryan's mom was like nope I won't Co sign but then I convinced her and also the mortgage broker told me that if I could fix my credit within the next few years we could refinance and take Ryan's mom off and put me on there but I have to fix my credit. I currently working with a credit repair company and yes it has increased just not enough. So Ryan's mom is a co-signer for a mortgage with Ryan and fingers crossed we will get the pre-approval letter by Friday and can go see homes by the weekend.

I am not sure how fast we can get this closed and find a home but it seems we will have an actual house instead of an apt. We are so excited hopefully it goes through. We are lucky that Ryan's mom is giving us a down-payment and Co-signing. I will keep you all updated!!!

Sometimes the sadness overwhelms

 

It slips through the cracks, waiting

 

I'm held in its grip, begging to be free

 

But I know it's a matter of time

 

And until then, I'll hold it like a dear friend

 

I'll cuddle it to me, knowing one day it will give way

 

And the happiness is just one more moment away 

 

One more moment

 

The reminders just come more infrequently as time goes on. 
 

I’m laying in bed and realizing I absolutely do not want to do anything for my birthday. How can I, when a year ago part of my world was taken and my heart broken with the loss of Papa? I know this thought process would disappoint him. He wouldn’t want anyone to wallow in sorrow at his memory, but rejoice in having known him. It’s so fucking hard though. I just want him back.

 

His house has sold and as far as I know there isn't even a fucking headstone to visit because god forbid this fucking emotionally stunted "family" I'm left with actually FUCKING COMMUNICATE!!! 
 

Why do I have to pick up his mantle to keep this family together?! And I fucking can't because it mentally breaks me having to deal with them. How could the two people who sacrificed their lives to co-parent with my mother because Albie couldnt (wouldn't), raise TWO self centered pricks?!

The worst part? I never got to say goodbye and I always made excuses to push off going out to Papa's place but always had time for Hubby's family. 
 

Why? And there's no one to blame but myself. 

Heyyy!

We just came back from vacation in Hawaii, and it was a blast. Another state crossed off!!!

It was really fun!
We did two days in the Disney Resort Auliana. Holy shit the most beautiful resort I have ever been too. We want to go back so bad!! So gorgeous and really We were speechless as we walked in. Everything is very traditional Hawaiian. It is so gorgeous and very expensive like 2k a night expensive. Ryan's mom paid for it. We could never afford this. 😔

We did Pearl Harbor half a day then the other half at the resort. Honestly I would have loved to stay in the resort the whole two days but Ryan's mom wanted to show me because she has gone many times before. And Ryan has gone a few times also.

The first night we got there we did the Disney Luau, it was so magical and beautiful. Never been to a Luau, then the following morning we did Pearl Harbor and that was very sombering especially because my grandfather fought in War War II, there are like over 500 men still buried underneath. It is so damn sad, and they are not able to move the boat because it has a ton of oil and explosives, it is so insane.

We also visited Iolani Palace it was about the history of Hawaii and indigenous royalty. It was awesome and of course they talked about us colonizing the island because we are colonizers. I swear this country has such a dark history.

We were going to go to the Bishop Museum, even had tickets and everything 🙄, when we arrived they told us that they were filming a show at the Musuem, so annoying. So we couldn't go even when we called (two weeks prior)and they told us they would be open on that day.

On one of the days we drove to the north shore, so gorgeous and a beautiful community. We shopped at some shops, had lunch , and then we had shaved ice hawaiian style. It started pouring as soon as we got to the shaved ice place. It was such a unique experience. I was telling Ryan ,that if he would have told me a year ago this would be our life, I would think he is crazy. Can't get better than that moment that I will savor forever. In the pouring rain eating shaved ice outside with the love of my life. It was awesome.

We also went to the dole plantation and that was an experience in itself. We took a train ride through the area where they grow pineapples (mainly) and different fruits. The dole whip was also invented there. So good!!! Also in the middle of the train ride the train broke down.. so crazy, so we had to get off and walk a bit to the area where the train ended. Then we saw a botanical garden, with hawaiian native flowers.

On this day in North Shore we saw Matthew McCaughey, it was insane. He was shopping with his son for a swim suit. It was pretty wild to witness it and No one bothered him at all. It was like just any other person. Turns out he has a 2nd house there and everyone knows him and he is a regular. He had no entourage, no nanny, nothing just him and his son.

We then went to Kuoloa Ranch where they have filmed so many movies and shows like Lost, 50 first dates, Hawaii 5-0, Jurassic Park and many more. They rode us around the ranch and basically it was a set tour. It was pretty awesome. We went into some bunkers and we saw so much memorabilia and at the end they had Lost Items. I freaked the fuck out because that is my very favorite show ever. They had the original computer, a lot smaller in person. I literally lost my mind and it was so freaking cool. They had a ton of Lost items.

If we ever go back to Hawaii, we want to go back to the ranch and visit Bishop museum. Hawaii beaches are gorgeous and just breathtaking. It is everything you see in movies or photos and more. We stayed at another resort in Waikiki called the Moana Surfrider. Another Hawaiian resort. So gorgeous and right on the beach. We went to the aquarium and ate in many different restaurants there. We had sushi and a lot of pork. We had a ton of Hawaiian food. So goof! The sushi was the best I have ever had!!!

I also forgot to mention that we took a submarine a legit real one in the middle of the Pacfic. That was amazing and really on my bucket list since I can't snorkel. We saw so many sharks and reefs and also the tour talked about ocean conservation and what they do to create more fish and reefs. It was awesome!!

All in all the trip was amazing experience and very fun! It was a week but I feel like it went by so fast.

We want to now visit Portland hopefully during the spring or summer for a long weekend. But now we have to focus on moving out of this house and finding an apartment. We want to move out sometime early March. On Saturday we have three apartments and a house to go see. Then we will start applying to them once we Tour then. All the tours are set up.
I am a bit nervous because I am scared of being homeless.

Our roomate is the most annoying asshole person ever. So we are itching to get the fuck out of here.

Anyways I will keep you all updated on moving to our new place. Fingers crossed we get approve!!!

Peace, Valencia

Not too sure how I feel about being back here, but here I am.. got a lot of shit, and drama last time I was here... I was also a teenager and wanted babies sooo bad.

Well, now I have babies. I have two of them. A boy, who's almost 8, named Rylan - his Nana has full custody of him, and he lives 12 hours away from me..

I also have a little girl, her name is Everleigh & she's 2 years old. She's the apple of my eye. The baby I've raised from the start. I love her soo much,

I'm taken. By a wonderful man named Marcus, he's 43, and a hard worker & makes sure he takes care of me and my babies. <3

I think if I get drama and shit for being here this time, I'll make everything private and just write for myself.

I posted my unworn wedding dress on facebook marketplace and kijiji today. Finally did it. *sigh* Blah. I'm so mad. That was my dream dress. I'm so turned off from any type of relationship now that it makes me so mad. He just destroyed my faith in relationships or the institution of marriage. Thanks millions. 

I sit here in disbelief that my life is very much unraveling right in front of my eyes.... my worst nightmare became a reality... what I wouldn't give to trade places with you.... I wish I never received that call that they found you unresponsive. How the fuck does that even happen in a nursing home?... Stupid fucking nurses keeping you off the ventilator... I'll hold every bitch ass person accountable in that fucked up place. Vibra will be held accountable for your death. You was so close to coming home.... I'm so fucking sorry mom. I failed you. I should have never left you alone. We should have all been taking turns sleeping up there with you making sure they put you on the fucking ventilatior and taking notes... I'm sorry... I should have pulled you out of vibra the second they didn't change your trach and let you fall out of bed... I totally failed you and I know that. I should have trusted my gut instinct but I thought I was just overreacting... clearly I wasn't. I can not fucking believe I'm about to watch you  take your last breath.... I can not face this world without you... I fucking need you.... when I was at your bed side on the left side earlier and I was telling you that your organs are shutting down and we're calling hospice in to make you comfortable bc your dying... you heard my voice crack and how upset I was... it took all your strength but you reached up and tried wrapping your arm around me.... I couldn't hold back my tears any longer... I completely lost it. Your nurse seen you hug me and she also cried. That took all your strength. You was trying to comfort me on your death bed. That's how giving you were. I hate that we fought months before you got so sick. That's a regret I have to live with for the rest of my fucking life. I wish I could take that stupid petty fight back......

Mom and I came over to visit your mom again. I walked into the kitchen and seen there was dishes to be done.. so I walked back into the living room where our moms were and told them I’m gonna do them. Lol your mom said I didn’t have to and that it was your chore. I told her I really don’t mind and went back to the kitchen. Then the sink was filling up because the drain was covered and I yelled for your mom saying sink is filling up because I knew your mom would yell for you to come help me. Was just a cover to get you alone lol but you came to my rescue and grinded up against me. I turned off the water and turned to face you. I grabbed your hand and waited for you to make your move lol but you never did. Your too shy when it comes to me. I can’t wait until you do finally make your move. You’ll make my entire day. No… my entire year. You will be mine… eventually 

Mom and I went over to her friends house today she has a little girl around my age. Her name is Alyssa. She’s alright. She’s too shy and doesn’t like to do much. Kinda boring if you ask me. I seen her older brother and she introduced me to her older brother Andy. She said I can’t be her friend if I’m friends with her brother bc he’s always mean to her? Lol… older brothers are always mean lol but to be honest I rather be his friend. He’s very handsome and makes my heart beat faster. Weird right? Just met him and I’m crazy about him already. But how do I get him to notice me and make the first move? Guess I’ll slowly drive him crazy and hope he makes his move… 

I had classic OG Covid...or have. Just spent this week feeling like shit. I still feel like shit, but the kind of shit that is leftover. The exhaustion and the persistent cough are lignering. Hurrah! Lovely! I feel like shit.

Mom and I went over to her friends house today she has a little girl around my age. Her name is Alyssa. She’s alright. She’s too shy and doesn’t like to do much. Kinda boring if you ask me. I seen her older brother and she introduced me to her older brother Andy. She said I can’t be her friend if I’m friends with her brother bc he’s always mean to her? Lol… older brothers are always mean lol but to be honest I rather be his friend. He’s very handsome and makes my heart beat faster. Weird right? Just met him and I’m crazy about him already. But how do I get him to notice me and make the first move? Guess I’ll slowly drive him crazy and hope he makes his move… 

Dear Elle Eh, 

I know you're trying your best, but I can see how easily you're letting yourself be discouraged. This year you have accomplished a lot and it doesn't look like it's going to slow down anytime soon. This is okay! It can be very overwhelming but overwhelming doesn't mean bad, it just means we have to slow it down and live in the moment. 

2022 was by far one of our most memorable years. The highs have been the highest, but some of our lows have been devasting. I am so proud of how we were able to pull ourselves back from the edge and even more proud of the fact that we were able to set our pride aside and ask for help when we needed it. We have an amazing partner who loves and supports us no matter what, and we need to show our gratitude more. 

While we have had so much personal growth this year, we still have a lot of work we need to do. We need to have more patience with those around us, especially those we love and care about. We also need to not take things so personally all the time, and find new coping skills for our anger. 

I can't wait to see where 2023 takes us, I know we have so much more exciting things to look forward to, but we also have some obstacles we know we will have to overcome. Take everything day by day and remember to be present in all of our situations and conversations. 

 

-- Elle Eh

It hit me last night while waiting for all my roommates to get home that this is going to be my first Christmas without Papa. It's been six months and almost three weeks since he passed. I'm ready for it and I'm not. 
 

I didn't fully comprehend Abuelito's passing during the holidays because we all put on brave faces for my primo Mateo. Mostly because he was eight and it was his first family death; on top of living with them. Then Covid hit. I'm also relatively good at shutting off/disconnecting from certain emotions. I'm a ..... mom bear type, for lack of a better way to describe it, and I worry and care about everyone else before me. Part of it is definitely abandonment issues stemmed from Albie and shitty fuckin friends *shrug* 

 

Thankfully hubby and I leave for my parent's house once he gets off work this afternoon. I get to see my baby sister who I haven't seen in like a year 😭. And honestly, I think I just really need a mom and dad hug. This weekend is going to be hard. 
 

Happy Holidays, y'all. 

I been trying to type out an update for months but always get sidetrack. Anyways many changes, we are still at our place but our lease is up in April so we are excited about that. We can't wait until we can move out. Looking for a place but it seems a studio is becoming available next to Ryan's mom so we are going to look into that.

In October we went to Disneyland, my 1st time ever!! Truly magical and a dream come true. A bucket list vacation for sure. Now I am hooked and can't wait to go again. Ryan's mom is trying to get us yearly passes so we can go whenever. Next month we are going to Hawaii!!! I have never been and can't wait. We are staying at this super expensive resort called Aulani, disney themed. We are going to go on a tour of where they filmed a bunch of movies and shows. We have some musuems planned. I can't wait.

I am now working from home and it is amazing. I love it!!

Life is pretty amazing!
Except for one thing.
I am now estranged from my family it sucks not what I wanted but it is my reality.

I am trying to enjoy my life and make the most of it. We have concerts planned for next year and a few more trips. We love to travel but also will be traveling back home to visit family. I need to go and visit my moms grave and take Ryan to visit my mom's grave and my grandmother.

Friday I got us tickets to visit a themed bar in the city (SF). I love that we live so close to the city, we are trying to see if we could find a studio in SF because right now the housing for rentals is hitting rock bottom. Ryan has a full-time job and works in the city. With our combined incomes we make decent income and can def afford the city but only if the Studio by his moms is not available. Anyways I got side tracked again,on Friday the bar is christmas theme and I got us tickets last month. Can't wait! We are going to have dinner then go to the bar!!! I also want to go see the lights in Union Square and just walk around the city.

Anyways that is all I have for now.
Happy Holidays!
Hope to write again soon!
-Valencia

This year I'll spend Chrristmas with my family. I will be surrounded by people who all have partners and lives. And I don't want to go. I don't want that reminder that a few months ago my happily ever after was snatched away from me in the blink of an eye. I don't want the reminder that he dumped me for a woman who doesn't even want him. I don't want the reminder that traditions we had made are no longer. I'm mad and heartbroken and I don't understand how a person could do what he did. I don't understand how I couldn't see that he was gaslighting me with every fight we had. He had no respect for me. How did I not see it?

 

I am alone. 

 

I'm not fine. 
 

But I will be.

 

I'm strong.

 

Most importantly, I love myself, and that's the biggest flex there is.

I'm alive. I've been focusing on making my bedroom as cozy as possible. It's been distracting me helpfully. There was a little while when sleep was eluding me and I had to resort to the local cannibas shop by my work and get some sleepy time edibles. Worked like a charm. 

 

I had to block Chris on everything. Despite my asking, he kept messaging me about how much he regrets the breakup. Oh, excuse me, but after finding out you dumped me for a woman who didn't even say yes to you, the very idea of you makes me want to throw up. He acted like the wounded party when he discovered I had begun blocking him from texting/calling. I think there's going to be quite a bit of time before I recover from this. That's okay, though. Six years is a long time, and to have that suddenly just gone is shocking to say the least.

 

Kaitlin and I are going to NYC in April 2023, and probably Vegas October 2023 with Kai coming to the Vegas trip. It'll be fun. By then I might even be a little less morose. 

 

Work has been interesting. Amanda (Purple Hair) has decided I'm a threat to her interest in Ian (another of the management team) because he and I like to chat and work together. We've done this for quite some time, but she only began feeling threatened when I suddenly found myself single. Let me point out that she just thinks that because she's interested him ( a feeling that is unrequited and made clear to her already by Ian), then I must be as well. I'm not. He's not my type. Super nice guy, and we both like to talk about astronomy and books, but he has at least one habit that is in the deal breaker category for me. Also dude is so anti-social I doubt he actually has any friends outside of work. And he likes it that way. We're both fine just being friendly at work. That's the extent of social interactions.

So not to much going on. Hubby and I have covid, so that's fun.... not. Though, I should be grateful since it's not anything like it was the first time I got it. 
 

There is still drama at my work and in my department but with different people, so yay... The new drama is with the woman who use to be in my position but do to her attendance final and a company wide management shake up she was not able to keep her position or interview for another. Which was o.k. with me because I did not know she is paranoid that employees, managers, and customers are out to get her, are stalking her, or want to I don't know nor do I think she knows. Every issue she has come to me about the stories are the same but with different people, so at some point she should, you would think, realize she is the one and only common denominator in her "issues". However, if anyone tries to explain that to her than "you aren't listening to me and don't care about what I'm saying." I'm at a loss of what to do...

Regular life is going pretty good, minus the whole having covid thing LOL. Hubby and I started talking about having kids. We're not anywhere near to trying for a baby but he's open to it in maybe a year. This is because financially we (and our life style) are not baby friendly. In that we see some "thing" we want we buy it or we save up for a trip and nothing more. We live a very child free life, so Hubby wants us to get more on the "we have children" life style. We realize you can't be completely prepaired for children but Hubby wants to get as close as possible. I'm thinking we can discuss babies a bit more as we quarintine these next 5 days. Yes, we are staying out of common spaces so as to not give Covid to our roommates and we wear a mask when we leave our room. There is no reason to pass on our germs, whether or not you think covid is real (it is by the way). Plus it would make me a hypocrite because I was bitching about one of my roommates doing that while sick in my last post.

Alright, I'm going to finish eating my dinner. Have a good day/night.

 

Well, here goes nothing. 

 

Having a bit of anxiety here. I really wish Hubby (JW) would find a way to get back to work - but for many reasons, he can't just go out and take any job. 
 

1: He's 56. It's tough finding work when you are in your 50s, even if none of the rest applies...

2: He's disabled from the stroke he had in 2019. He can walk and talk, but his balance is mildly skewed. 

3: He has numbness in his left pinky finger, so he can't type. He never could type anyway, so a keyboard type job is out. His typical work has always been in fields like building, construction, manufacturing, etc. Prior to his stroke, he built trade show booths at the convention center or other job sites. 

4: He had to have bypass surgery in his leg, and he has a lot of pain from that. He can't be on his feet for very long, so retail is out. 

 

He would very much like to go back to trade shows, but he does have some concerns about his balance. The thing with that industry is, sometimes he needs to climb a 16' ladder, and if he loses his balance up there, that's not good at all. 

 

But I'm running out of money, and I don't make enough on my job to pay the rent. My savings is down to almost nothing, my 401K has been drained as well, and we just got a rent increase that goes into effect in February. 

 

I don't know what we'll do. 

 

I do have an Etsy page set up for my crochet work. I'd like to make sales that way. 

I also have set myself up to be a Door Dash driver (JW cannot do this, as he drives a beat up old Chevy S10 pickup that has a lot of problems and isn't reliable enough for gig work like that). But I've had strep throat and haven't been able to drive yet. 

And...yes, I've set up an OnlyFans page, but I haven't decided what I should do with it yet. Adult stuff? Tarot readings? Crochet instruction? 

 

I did pay for JW to receive his commission from the state as a notary, and he can do closings for builders. I work for a builder, and we have a title company. The problem is, it has taken months upon months for this to get anywhere, and he's only ever done 1 closing. He's very new at this, and he doesn't quite understand that he has to contact JD (the owner of the company who supplies the notaries to the title company; they work kind of like independent contractors) EVERY DAY to request work. JW told me it feels like begging for a handout and I'm like "you can't look at it that way - you are an independent contractor and this is how you show you're really interested in doing this - you make the calls or texts, you show initiative."

 

Well, unfortunately, and I hate to say this, I don't think JW has the initiative he needs to be an independent contractor. He'd just rather sit on his computer and spend his time on Discord all day. So what that means is, if he's not chasing work, he's not paying me his half of the rent, I'm bleeding money (he WAS paying the power bill but he's drowning in credit card debt now and he's even taken my debit card and used it to pay bills, so I'm essentially paying for EVERYTHING) and at some point I am going to run out of money. When we do, we'll be evicted. 

 

When that happens, I can take at least one of my 2 cats and go up to WV, to my friend DS's house. 

 

DS and I had a very passionate affair back in the 80s. We're still quite into each other; we believe that we are soulmates, because we fit together so well. But DS is married, and he has no interest in divorce, and that's ok. We'll just have to care for one another at a distance. In the past, our magnetism for one another meant that it was very dangerous to leave us alone in a room together, but we're adults now and can better control ourselves. 

 

I do want to go visit DS soon. I do miss him a lot. 

 

It would be sad if JW and I had to live apart. JW does love me, but if he's not going to work, and we're going to end up homeless, well - what choice do I have? 

 

We actually have 2 little black cats. One of them loves only me. He hates everyone else. The other is a sweet little thing who is very friendly and playful. If JW ends up homeless, I don't know what will happen to that little cat. I want to take both cats to WV but DS doesn't like cats at all; it's bad enough that his wife has a cat that he wants nothing to do with. 

 

But if it comes to that, I'll have to do the best I can and pray that JW and the little cat would be ok. JW does have extended family he could go to, and other friends he may be able to seek shelter with. He has options. But given his personality and all, I think if I were in WV and he was here in FL living who knows where, I'd likely only hear from him maybe once every 6 weeks or more. He's not one to be focused; he's very scattered. He doesn't "settle" well. 

 

There's so many issues going on here. So many. And it's so stressful. 

 

What I don't get is that JW keeps complaining about the credit card debt he's in, but he doesn't seem to understand that finding work is the one thing that will help him the most with that. He keeps acting like the only solution is for me to give him money. No, he needs to find work. And if that means he needs to learn to type with 9 fingers instead of all 10, then he needs to do that. 

 

I don't think it's a case of "I can't do this" with him. I think it's a case of "I don't want to - I have it easy - my wife takes care of everything - I can use my disability income to throw good money after bad on my credit cards, and just be on Discord all day and play computer games and everything is great." 

 

While his wife struggles to make ends meet, and she can't do her own thing like crochet because all the money is going to support him. 

 

If I had the money to get my own place, I'd go. But I don't think I do. And how do you tell your husband this? "I'm considering getting my own small place with the cats. I don't want you to live there with me. We need to live apart, because you're not taking this situation seriously." 

 

We've been married 10 years. Before the stroke, things were better, but even when he worked full time he didn't give me his half of the rent every month. He's just not focused enough to do that. He doesn't prioritize paying for the roof over our head and I wish I'd known that before I married him. 

 

I have no family I can turn to for help; both of my parents are dead and I have no siblings. 

 

This is going to crash and burn, isn't it?

So Chris has a coworker who has a daughter friends with a coworkers daughter.....Apparently he asked someone out at work and she said no. He then started crying in front of his staff when she said no. And then he bombarded me with a bunch of text messages this past weekend about what a mistake it was and how he was such a fool and blah blah blah. I told him he needs to learn how to love himself and that I am already able to be happy alone. But then my coworker told me that above nonsense. When I didn't fall apart at that news, my coworker continued with the next bomb where he dumped me for her. So yep. He really shone with his douchebag flag. 

 

That's where I'm at right now.