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So today I was diagnosed with autism.  Somehow so much now makes sense about myself. Nothing about my life is going to change for me, but it's nice and interesting to know. The way it was described to me is that my brain just processes things differently. What I thought was perfectly normal turns out to not be by societies standards. C'est la vie.  I was talking about it with one of my coworkers and he's dating a woman who is autistic and the similarities are glaringly obvious. So there's that. Cheers!

1 like, 3 comments
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

Hey. This is a business contact, nothing more. I am finishing my book, that took me 3 years to write. My publishers just told me that I have to literally go back to anyone from my past that I can find and ask their permission to actually be in my book, otherwise I can be sued. So I am doing my due dilligence, and you are on that list of people who needed to be contacted. If you want me to change your name I can, but if you choose to not be in the book at all, I will have to re write a third of it which will set me back in time by alot. You're part of my story, and thats just the way it is. What do you want me to do? Thank you. 

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by Concrete Rose
I haven't written in months. Not because I haven't wanted to. Not because I haven't had the time. I just... haven't. And to be honest, I should've been. Because it's always when I'm at my breaking point that I finally do write, and I think that maybe I wouldn't be in so deep if I had been writing.

It's been almost 6 months since Mark last talked to me. I still miss him. I still think about him every fucking day. I still cry about him here and there, but this last week has really taken a toll on me, and I don't know why. There has to be something to trigger why I'm all of a sudden crying myself to sleep, or crying while watching a tv show, or while I'm coming home from shopping.

I still think back to that last conversation we had. I still question how he could apologize and say he missed me, and then to stop talking to me. I still question how what I said was the final straw. How what I said could've been that bad. Once in a while I wonder if he's dead. I wonder if that's why I never heard from him, because he got into a car accident right after he picked up his phone and died. But I thought the same thing when Tom stopped talking to me, didn't I? But Tom isn't dead. I was just dead to him, and now he's dead to me. I don't want Mark to be dead, but I also don't want to be dead to him.

As much as Mark hurt me, I wonder if he's happy. I hope he is, because I told him he deserved to be happy, and he does. But it kills me to know that he doesn't want to be happy with me. For all I know he patched shit up with his wife and he's finally living happily ever after. I also wonder if he finally got a divorce and he's just taking time for himself, to figure his shit out. But again, he's killing me in the process if he's doing that. I think Mark used work as a distraction from his life at home, and I think he used me as a distraction from everything in general. But he went 5 years without talking to me, and in that 5 years his life sucked. He went 5 years without needing me, so what changed? Why did he choose that specific time in his life to come back to me?

All the time I see people who end things with their spouse and jump right into another relationship, and I think, "Well apparently that marriage meant nothing to them. Apparently, they aren't sad or hurting and need time to heal." But what did I want Mark to do? I wanted him to leave his wife and get a divorce and start something with me ASAP. I still remember when I asked him if he saw a future for us and he didn't exactly hesitate, he just wasn't sure of his answer. And I know that sounds like that means 'no'... I think it meant 'I just need to figure my shit out and be alone for a bit'.

We never went to that football game last month. Obviously. I actually disputed it with my credit card company, saying that when I bought the tickets there weren't any covid vaccine requirements, which wasn't a lie. I'm not vaccinated and had that been a requirement back in July, I would've never bought them. My credit card company did take the transaction off my account, but normally they notify you if it's been approved, but it's been over a month, and I still haven't heard if it's been final. I never should've bought the fucking things, but I was still in denial (and still am) and thought that he would come back in my life within 5 months, and he'd come visit and we'd go to the game and things would be better. I never thought that 6 months later we still wouldn't be talking, and I'd still be crying over him.

I remember months ago, I told myself to give it until January. I told myself that if by January you still hadn't heard from Mark, to get on Tinder or some shit and find someone. I think I told myself this as a joke, because I never thought it'd be January and I wouldn't be talking to Mark. But it's January 9 and my heart still hurts and I can't. I can't go on a date and sit across from someone, because the whole time I will think that this person should be Mark. I can't let some guy inside me, because the entire time I will think, this person should be Mark.

My phone is still on silent 24/7. I still don't look at it very often. It doesn't go to bed with me. I take it to work, but it's in my coat pocket and I honestly forget about it. I could care less who txts me or calls me, because the only name I still want to see on my screen is 'Mark'. I don't talk to anyone. I don't hang out with anyone.

That doesn't all have to do with Mark, I'm just sick of people. I consider myself to have 0 friends. No one invites me to do anything. People will say, 'We should hang out' or 'We should do dinner' but no one ever follows up with that. If it's your idea, you should be the one to initiate it. I haven't seen Jess since June, when I invited her to lunch. I haven't seen Heather and Marcie since the end of September, and I feel like I initiated that. Sheila always says she wants to come visit, but she never does.

Jesus Christ. I just sent Mark another email. I am a fucking idiot.
1 like, 0 comments


For Thanksgiving, I spent it with family.  I had a good time.  I was able to "get" my cousin Shilo so very good.  The only thing you need to know is that she had no idea I was in the building.  It was her fault for not looking closer.  She doesn't focus on small details very well.  It was not my original intent to mentally freak her out.  I completely used the situation to my advantage however.  Darn these ornery genetics!  Fyi, I do know how genetics work.  I still claim that orniness attaches itself to alleles in my family.  ;)  

Onto another tack...

I am sure we, as a world, are used to the horrible inevitability of death (thanks to covid).  It is sad but it happens.  In the past month, I have known 4 people who have died.  It is not all from covid.  Two of them were on the 22nd/23rd.  I obviously was not in the holiday spirit this year.  For one, it did not feel like christmas.  For another, I have been a tad bit depressed.  Winter weather does that to me.  I am used to it.  

I was unfortunate to have to deal with my first student suicide this season. I went to the boy's visitation and funeral go support the family.  It was not fun, as can be expected.  I feel like I failed the boy, but I do know he was troubled as well. I teach at a small school so next week will be hard for everyone.  We have been on christmas break recently.  I saw some of his fellow students at the sad events.  I will be watching them like a hawk.  They are taking it hard.  I have personally reached out to the family and offered my condolences.  They will need a buttload if prayers.  Just saying...

I only taught the boy 1-2 years.  Thus, I am not as emotionally invested as the other teachers.  I will say that his death details have been a trigger regarding my cousin Josh.  I am terribly sad about the boy but it is twisted with feelings about Josh's death details.  Both are tragic and unavoidable.  

Enough about that.  Also, my 2nd cousin Gary passed away the 23rd.  He and I were not close so i am not emotionally invested there.  Plus, he has had health issues for years.  The most recent is cancer.  He is at rest now and that is what matters. 

I called my dad, grandma, and a nephew this season.  I called Austin to give him hell.  Haha.  Dad told me some news that I had not heard.  I am going to be a great aunt in April, everyone! YAY! I am so very excited.  Austin had the audacity to call me old.  That was not nice.  ;)

I am glad to be on christmas break from 1 job. It gave me time to get rested up from too many work hours at my other job.  112 hours in 2 weeks!  No joke.  We were short 4 key workers due to covid.  That has passed, thankfully. I was one tired, testy, old harpy!  Haha.  

Okay, this entry is morbid as hell.  What did all of you do for the holidays? Lie if you have to.  I need cheered up.--Your friendly neighborhood Scrooge-ette


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I want to write to the families of those who suffer from chronic illness, whatever label you have or choose to accept that is not my business. But what is my business is how your treatment of us effects absolutely everything. Have been sick for years.  Most of you know this. Mom and I never got along, from my mouth to her ears, a really strange warping thing would happen, and she would think I meant something that I did not. Visa versa too. But when you live in constant agony, and intense brain problems to the point that every single breath is a war? And people dont get it. Why is it always our family members that do not comprehend our illnesses? Everyone else can see it, hear it, practically taste it, and yet the ones who are supposed to love us the most, are the ones who call us names, put guilt trips on us, lay blame where its not deserved, and make us feel like shit just for breathing. 

Even knowing we have said illnesses, they still treat us like we are supposed to act healthy and full of life when someones each moment is death. Why can some of us be breaking down and crying and whimpering with pain, and our loved ones are completely oblivious, or worse yet call you lazy, or unmovivated, or YOU WASTED YOUR LIFE AND NOW YOUR SICK AND ITS YOUR FAULT. Tell you that you arent wanted. Tell you that they wish you did not live there. 

Oh and here is one of my personal favorites from someone that I love the most upon hearing me try to explain what they call Fibromyalgia. TELL SOMEONE WHO CARES. Yeah. 

Just..Please be careful to remember that your sick loved ones are just as human as you. That they have extra sensitive bodies and minds right now, that maybe they need your love and support more than you  ' IF YOU DID THIS, or YOU DONT WANNA GET WELL OR YOU WOULD BE BY NOW, or YOURE FAKING IT. ' Any of those things. Are. Not. Helpful. And are more damaging than your minds could conceive. 

And yes we do notice it when you cry at the drop of a hat for starving children in another country, or someone you barely know who has Cancer, and you bawl your eyes out. Yet we can be screaming and crying and crawling on the floor and you dont bat an eye. THAT IS SOME TYPE OF SORCERY or something, because its not right. Its so blatantly wrong.......And yet? 

Just...BE KIND. Love one another. That is all that was asked of us and yet we cant seem to freaking do it when it comes down to it. Why? Just some food for thought. I have zero ideas how to make people listen. SO I have decided something. Its not the person that is disappointing us so much as the EXPECTATIONS we place on them to understand, to have compassion, to sympathize. And in this world, those are very reasonable expectations of our family. But what if? What if in Gods kingdom the only person we have expectation from is Him? What if we woke up and thought...No one owes me anything, and I owe noone anything but to love them. And try to get thru a day without expecting a darn thing emotionally from anyone. Because if we arent expecting anything, they cant hurt us. Easier said then done, I know. Love you all. xo

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So December was a very stressful month in the pharmacy world. So much so that every couple of days I woke up in the middle of a flare up.  Our furnace has really been shitting the bed at home too, so sleep has been touch and go. We're waiting for some kind of microchip part right now. Who knows when that will arrive. A few days ago, I woke up at 1:30 in the morning, covered head to toe in hives. My mouth was swollen as well. I went to work just to do paperwork and my bosses sent me home. Four hours of sleep and in the middle of a flare up would not have worked out well for me. I really hate this disease. It sometimes destroys my way of life. Most of the time it destroys my way of life; who ware we kidding.


I've never been more grateful for a hot tub as I am right now. If we didn't have it, I probably would have imploded from the stress several times by now. Covid in my city is running rampant because of Queen's University. We're breaking records in Canada. What a delight. Omicron is spreading crazily because of one rugby game at the university. So, that's great.


Speaking of the hot tub: I slipped while getting into it last night. Definitely hurt my shoulder but the toes on my right foot took the brunt of it. They're pretty tender right now. Slightly discoloured and a little puffy, but not crazy injured. I gave Chris a heart attack. He said it looked like I smoked my face off the edge of the tub. My head in its entirety missed being hit. It only hit water. So I got some yummy chlorine in my lungs but that's about it for that. So other than some bruised toes and shoulder, only my pride took a battering. LOL


Christmas was good. We went to his parents house. He spoiled me, again. We found ourselves watching many James Bond movies. Sean Connery was ridiculously good looking in his youth. Talk about yummy. Nevermind the fact that there are warnings at the beginning of each movie disclaiming that there are some cultural and sexual actions and events that would be offensive now in the 21st century. LOL Classic. 

1 like, 1 comment
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

Father in heaven bend your ear down to me tonight - King of all glory, hear my cry from this desperate place. - Where vultures are circling all around-like I am their prey. Abba I come to you this hour, seeking your strength filled joy. Tell me Im yours that Ive not strayed - Where your love cant go? You Promised that nothing could seperate me from your embrace...Your love is everlasting true, but doesnt everything depart- And come to the end that reaches all? Breathe on me Holy Spirit - Speak your word between the breaths...Send angels of mercy to my aid - See what has been done - To your children here who were betrayed - And led away as slaves. - These shackels have been so hard and cold. The payment is too high. I know you see each moment here - I ask you to remember me for good when all is done. Enter my heart Lord Yeshua now. Reanimate me for your service - To bring Your kingdom here to Earth. To open up our eyes to the way out...Agents of darkness leave me now - Your power is gone when He steps in. All creatures must bown down to the King. When we speak His Holy name. Use me, I pray for your glory still. The real me never left you...The force used on your precious ones, I pray you see the difference. Between our heart which clings to you, And this flesh which is controlled within. Yeshua, heal my eyes, I pray. Give me of your wisdom. To stay on the path that leads to life. And never more betray you. I loved you Abba before my birth. And will return to you in time.....My memories have been tampered with...But I know you will restore me. Father, Im tired, please heal me soon. Or show me h ow to surive this hell. I know Youll come back for us soon. Even if youre here right now. Some will not see the message here. Hidden behind these feeble words. This language at times has failed to say.....Just what the soul must hear. So Father please give your children ears, ones that are internal. I love you my Savior, hear our cries. Love us to the end. The end is only the beginning of life. This pain we wont remember, the moment we see you face to face, youll wipe our every tear. Those tears that you save that we cry now- Please use them now to heal us. Your word is still power infused, to those who talk with you......Outside of its pages lies the truth, yet can only be gotten to through reading them. Its odd I know, but this is real, I pray your given eyes. 2 C the truth as He see it. And see each other with love. Agape is the goal of our lives. And once we start walking towards it. Then He can pour His spirit out, into these willing vessels. I pray your love fills each heart here, and leaves them uplifted somehow. <3


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I got the job!
by valencia
Today I had an interview with a law firm and it went extremely well then about an hr later, they called me and verbally extended the offer to me. It is a long term temp job thou but it is exactly the thing I need to move me to CA so then I can get settled and find a permanent job. Holy crap! I am still in shock by Jan I will be moving to CA! I am so excited but in it still has not sinked in at all.

They will let me know once my background check comes back when they want me to officially start. I am supposed to get the offer in writing by tomorrow. Ryan is at work but I messaged him and texted him.

That is all I have for rn because I am in shocked. It has not sinked in and probebly won't until I am over there.
1 like, 0 comments
NOJOMO Score Board
by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO Score Board

Thank you to everyone who participated in NOJOMO 2021. I'm sorry I dropped the ball at the end!

So, the prize list was:

30 Days: 3 months BloopXtra
15 - 29 Days: 1 month BloopXtra

The winners are:

30 Days:

Squish - 3 months Bloopxtra

15 - 29 Days:

Oprah Noodlemantra
His Brown Eyed Girl
Greta Garbage

Congratulations! Steve will be awarding you soon!
1 like, 185 comments
Happy Dec!
by valencia
Yesterday I had an interview with a law firm in California with HR! I feel like it went well but afterwards I felt so damn hopeless. I just get so damn depressed because I have zero patience and it is damn torture being away from Ryan. It sucks, I feel like part of me is missing when we are apart. I know that sounds Cliché but it is true.

I mean atleast I am getting interviews, just a couple of months ago, I wasn't so atleast interviews are happening now. And usually that always points to thinking positive and landing a job from one of these interviews. On Tuesday I had a phone interview with another law firm and they told me that would definitely offer me a interview via zoom and would let me know next week for a date and time soo I am happy about that.

I just wish something would pan out sooner rather than later.

In the meantime I am trying to keep positive and hopeful that something will happen and Ryan will be here in a few weeks so that is something to look forward too. He is also applying for a better paying job/2nd job so he can save up faster so I can move.

Anyways that is all I have for rn!

I will keep you all updated.
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NOJOMO DAY 28 - A Note From the Organizer

I need to sincerely apologize for being a crap NOJOMO host this year! It was so easy last year as it was quiet and we didn't really do much for Thanksgiving. This year we had my parents staying with us all week and there was literally NO time to turn on my laptop (except on Monday). To those who continued on without the prompts, I applaud you! To those who gave up because I didn't provide prompts the past week, that's on me.

We have 2 days left and I'll be determining winners. Let's continue without prompts for the last two days.

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Advice Spiritual Warfare...
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

Hi Trish.  The Holy Spirit will kill these things quick.  In addition, you have spirits from your childhood, rejection and fear to name two.  This list will remove everything.  Make it your #1  priority of 2020.


  God loves you dearly & wants you well.  Your condition is serious & prayer & Bible study alone will not work.  This list will.  This list has healed hundreds.  Treat it like a college course. Take it slow & sure.  One step at a time, not all at once. 

        Go to the web site & read about all the testimonies of people who have done the list.  Hit the "Testimonial" button.  Go to the Facebook site "Blessings" & read about all the miracles people received after following the list. It will encourage you.  This list will allow you to weaken the demonic strongholds in your life and cast them out forever.  
         To remove sin, sickness, curses & spirits you must weaken them first. Once weakened, they are easy to remove.  This list will break their hold on your life & their power.  Perform it with everything you have. You must fight for your life.

        Demons get into the person in layers, so to speak.  You must start to remove the layers.  It's a process.  You did not get into this condition overnight & you won't get out of it overnight. When all the layers of wounds & spirits are removed you will be cured & heading into your new destiny in Christ.  Here are a few tips that will speed up the process for you. It must be done with sincerity, precision & desperation:

1.  Make a literal numbered list of all the people in your life that have hurt you significantly from childhood to present, dead or alive.  Pray Mt. 5:44 over each of them exactly as the verse is written.   Repent to God for holding bad feelings and emotions toward them.  You must not only forgive them but release the ought (negative emotions) in your soul for them.  Pray sincerely and fervently for them (Mt. 6:14-15, Col. 3:12-13), if they are still alive (for parents see #3).

2.  Make a literal numbered list of all the things you do not like about yourself.  Repent over each of them.  Release and forgive yourself.  Pray hard and release the ought (negative feelings) you have for yourself.  Release your mistakes and regrets.  Don't stop until all the emotions of self disgust, self hate & condemnation are gone.  If you have bad feelings about yourself it will block your recovery and deliverance.  Self hatred is as bad as hating others.

3.  If you were raised by dysfunctional parents and you rebelled against them in your youth and dishonored them, the demons put a curse on you (Gen. 9:24-27, Ex. 20:12, Dt. 5:16, Eph. 6:1-3, Dt. 27:16, Mt. 15:4) even if your parents were at fault.  Renounce and repent of this sin.  Apologize to them if they are alive.  Apologize to God.  Release them out of your soul to God and let them go.

4.  Make a literal list of the top 10 negative thoughts spirits put into your mind every day.  Repent of receiving & believing them.  Reject, renounce & rebuke each of them separately & cast them out forever (II Cor. 10:3-5).  Find a Scripture that contradicts each of them (Isa. 26:3).  Replace them (Phil 4:8).  Write it down!  Apologize to God for listening to demon thoughts in your mind and not His Word (Col. 3:16).

5.  Pray aggressively for the Gift of Godly Sorrow.  Of all the people you may have hurt over the years, including yourself, actually hurt your Heavenly Father the most.  He was wounded by your behavior.  Sorrow for hurting Him is healing & life changing (II Cor. 7:8-10).  Your tears will heal you (Ps. 56:8, Rev. 7:17, 21:4).

6.  If you are able, start speaking in Tongues off and on all day (read my web site article "Glossa" on the "Teaching" page). The demons hate it & don't know what you are saying or how to stop the prayers.  The Holy Spirit interprets the language & applies it to your needs (I Cor. 14:2,4,14,15,18,22,32,39.).  If not able, go to next step.

7.  Read John 14, 15, 16 and Mt. 8, 9 over several times & absorb as many of these wonderful life saving truths you can.

8.  Watch the video 'Overcoming Rejection' or 'Anxiety Disorders' or 'Miracle Blockers' or "Auto Immune Diseases' or 'Ministering to the Mentally Ill' depending on your situation.  They are life savers & on point to almost all of your issues.  

9.  You must DO this list and not just read or consider it.  The demons will tell you that it is overwhelming.  It is not.  Take it slow and sure. Simply take it one step at a time.  Not all at once. Keep going.  Keep fighting and you will be healed by the power of the Holy Spirit and God's Word. If you give up you will face dire consequences and many more years of heartache.

10.  Immediately stop complaining & blaming yourself & others (Mt. 6:14-15, James  4:11).  It will block your healing & deliverance in it's tracks.

11.  Go to the web site & hit the "Teaching" button. Read the short article on "How Satan Controls the Mind" & "Satan's Counter-attack."  The demons will attack your life to distract you from this list.  If things get worse temporarily it is a good thing.

12.  Follow the 10 step process to victory the Apostle James taught.  It is powerful & never fails (James 4:7-11).  You will be cured. 

13.  After you have completed the list try the 'self deliverance' button on the web site at the top  (  Do it at a time when you are humble, desperate & broken or sensing the Holy Spirit. Release the soul wounds & the spirits & the illnesses from your body.  Yawning, coughing, etc. are the spirits and wounds coming out of you. It means you have the anointing.

14.  If you have no desire to fight for your life, read the article under the Teaching button on the Hardcore web site:  "The Glorious Gift of Hate."  After the Lord has given you this gift you will be ready for spiritual warfare.  Ask Him to give it to you and don't stop praying until you get it. 

15.  Don't do your own deliverance or healing program.  As you experienced, It won't work.  Only do this list & self deliverance based on this list.  Don't sit around watching healing & deliverance videos.  You will get more confused.  If you have gone thru deliverance before, release it & start over.  It failed because you or they missed something on this list. 

16.  Please come to the Arizona Deliverance Center for a visit when the Lord opens the door.  Contact me before coming for scheduling.  Plan on staying Thursday thru Saturday.  The Lord Jesus loves you & wants you well (John 14:21).                             Bro. Mike.

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by I Fear Who I Am Beco

I never in a million years thought I would be writing a message to a rapper. I have no idea if youll ever see this, if youll think Im weird or simply not care, but I am gonna say on anyways. I dont even know why I want to tell you about  my story, except that the heart you have in your music, and the time you take for your fans answering questions, is beautiful. You and your girlfriend are an amazing team ,and I am grateful to have been able to listen to the music. Alot of what you talk about, I relate to. I was always called ugly, always made fun of, even if now I realize thast what it was, I didnt then. Took me years to realize they werent laughing with me but AT me. Anyways, whatever. 

I was born out of wedlock like so many others. I was unplanned, and probably not wanted at first, though I cant say for sure. There is much to my history that is shrouded in secrecy and lies, but regardless, I was born. Adopted at 4 months old, by a Christian couple who could not have children of their own. They had almost adopted twice before, but it fell through. Then they came across me, and dived in headfirst. From the frying pan to the fire, it was, but I am getting ahead of myself, as I am prone to do. My birth mother kept taking me back, and Christmas was the last time. I would come back to the adopted parents reeking to high heavens of smoke, and I was very ill. But they wanted me anyways, had so much love to give. So the night they came to pick me up, their brand new car engine blew up. 6 months later, our house burnt to the ground. All my life that kinda harsh trauma and bizarre things followed me around, always seem to be boxed in by the darkness, no matter how much I reached for the light. 

In 2013 I had 2 back to back heart attacks, in my 20's. In 2014, I had some really bizarre x files meets twilight zone shit start happening to my body. Found out later had Lyme dis----ease forever. and noone caught it. Had some weird ass thing moving by itself around my neck like an electric eel ( yeah i can prove it. i have a video on here of it. funny.....out of all the vidoes i ever made, the ony that got 8K hits was the one where I was showing them, the '' monsters inside me ''.)

The running theory is that Im demon posessed said by thousands of people who never met me. Done being their sideshow circus freak. If God calls me home so be it, I did my time in this prison planet. Anyways, the doctors wouldnt help me, it was like they were being sneaky and I was never a paranoid person, I loved people and from my first memroy, only ever wanted to help and heal the humans on this planet. I really...Believed I could make a difference. That was MY dream. And it fell apart like the ashes in my hands. I also was an alcoholic, started drinking heavily when the doctors only wanted to give me pain meds, and not help a bit. Thats when I learned what big pharma really did t ome and so many others like me. I know what youre talking about alot in your songs dealing with alcoholism, tho we all handle it in our own ways. I also used to do drugs, came from a really effed up childhood, even with so called Christian parents.And yes I was with women in my lifetime, but I fall in love with souls not faces/gender. I dont bash anyone, and I hope noone bashes me but believe me I have had my share of being called names regarding that. Strange thing is, I really do love God. Incredibly much. 

Wanna know a secret? Alot of the people with the label Christian are some of the cruelest and meanest to ever walk the planet. And some are not. 

I feel so stupid for writing this to you. I just...Want you to know that you inspire me not to give up completely on my dream. You probably hear that a million times a week litearlly. But never let yourself get numb to the fact that behind the words people type to you blah blah blah on and on,  is a real person, who is living and breathing, that has a heart, and a soul, and a face, and mostly very broken hearts.

This life...Can either be a school, or a prison. I still havent been able to get most doctors to listen to me, and after 9 years of this, and 27 years of hell before that? Im not too hopeful that the BEAST system will ever acknowledge Morgellons as anythig other than a crazy persons dis ease. Or be willing to get this thing outta my neck. My doctor even felt it move for herself and all she had to say was ' ive never seen anything like that '. End of story. And frankly who needs them anyways? The lies of spies and all that. God bless you Tom, and Nova. Theres just something about you...Made me reach out. Maybe one day we will all live in a world where LOVE is the highest rule of the land, I hope I live to see it. 

You know what? I know I got about a 1% chance that you will actually see this message or want to watch this, but if you ever get bored for 5 minutes, and want to see what I am talking about this is it. It is seen in the first 5 mins. This was back in 2018, wow. Anyways. Thats it. Thanks for putting up with me, if you read this.  Have a wonderful life, both of you.




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First off, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone (if you celebrate it). I didnt realize till I got home today how long it has been since I wrote an entry! I had a great time with family today, friends...well, not sure I can really call anyone a friend at this point. I thought I had friends, but when they bail on you last minute all the time, you start to realize maybe they just faked it to your face so that you would feel good about life or their friendship or whatever. Anyway, I took this entire week off from work, I had plenty of PTO to cover it.

Everything was fine but my coworkers were really being shit heads about me taking the week off. I told em hey, I need a mental break from this place cause Im literally on the verge of just losing it all. Once I get on my warpath, its over, I will tear down and breakdown anyone and everything in front of me and once its done, its done, I never go back. So I needed a break....

I thought I had everything figured out when I moved half way across the country. Truth be told, this week off has allowed me to dig deep into my soul and look at myself. And I dont like what Ive been seeing, I thought I liked the person I was becoming.? But if the people around you tell you otherwise, what are you suppose to believe? I guess my perception of who I wanted to become was not a good one.? I just need the right direction, but from who, what or where that direction will come from, I have no clue. And thats what I have asked myself all week, what is it that Im looking for?

I really thought that I was finally hitting my stride and becoming the man I wanted to become but there's all these curve balls that life throws at you, no matter how big or small and those can derail your life in a heartbeat. Im not gonna lie, Ive spent the last few evenings wrapped up in a bottle and some good music, wondering what Im doing, where Im going, who do I call a friend, do I even have friends, am I a good friend??? Ive killed myself this week, just breaking myself down mentally and looking at my inner self. Is this what I want?? I honestly wasnt going to spend my week off doing this but it might be a good thing because Im obviously not happy with where I am at.


We all have demons and all of a sudden these demons have decided to come out and give me time to think about my life and where Im going. Im just so confused, I thought things were great and then I look at myself in the mirror and I lose it, I think about my dads passing several years ago, who he would want me to be, I think about those I thought were my friends, I think about all the negative things. Then when I tell myself to focus on the positive, its hard to do that when there is nothing there to look forward to. I thought I had a good support system, but when no one is there when you need them, you know its mostly a dream....


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You know what's great? Getting a hot tub and then it not working. LOL We just had it delivered on Monday after many altered arrival times. And today the electrical was done and now the jets aren't going. I guess it's because there's probably air trapped somewhere and now we're waiting for a tech to come from the hot tub place tomorrow. So yeah. Yaaaaayyyy hot tub.

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by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO DAY 23 Prompt

If you could visit anywhere on Earth for a one-month vacation, where would you go and what would you do?
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Will be composing my book here, before I take it to publishing. Praying this site will hold out long enough for me to get it done.

I was born out of wedlock like so many others. I was unplanned, and probably not wanted at first, though I cant say for sure. There is much to my history that is shrouded in secrecy and lies, but regardless, I was born. Adopted at 4 months old, by a Christian couple who could not have children of their own. They had almost adopted twice before, but it fell through . Then they came across me, and dived in headfirst. From the frying pan to the fire, it was, but I am getting ahead of myself, as I am prone to do. My birth mother kept taking me back, and Christmas was the last time. I would come back to the adopted parents reeking to high heavens of smoke, and I was very ill. But they wanted me anyways, had so much love to give. So the night they came to pick me up, their brand new car engine blew up. 6 months later, our house burnt to the ground. 


I have started this about 10 times. I have to follow through. I have no idea how I am still alive. I am having a hard time right now. I think people have a misconception of me based on the fact that I am not constantly telling everyone what this illness is doing to me. Y'all have read my articles and ' poetry ' from a few years ago and even a year ago, but no one cept maybe 2 people knows whats really going on with me, and those people have tried like hell to help me. I am living in a perpetual hell since 2015 when I first got sick with what they are labelling ' Morgellons ' AND Lyme AND a very growing parasitic infection, okay. ( Those who know the truth will comprehend what I am saying there ) Anyways, this has caused massive damage to both bones and muscle and nerves in my body, unfortunately affecting my spine all the way to the very top of my head, ears, lymphs, tissue, down to the very cells and organs in my body. I some days feel my body weight is going to be too much for my head, which is why I have lost as much weight as I have, and I still need to lose more yet. My neck is bitten to heck, and I have scars all over my chest and various other parts of my body from this crap. I am sick and tired of praying every day that my neck will not snap, or my heart won't give out, or my brain won't fall outta my head. Literally. You have no idea till you experience this. My ribs have been crushed to the breaking point several times, my back feels like a hot iron is on it, burning me almost constantly especially at night. My hands and chest are red as beets and burn. I have some kind of acid that feels almost boiling at times, its sickening. I have had green bile like substance come out OF MY STOMACH, for no good reason. I have a deviated septum from this shit burrowing up and into my brain. I have head DENTS all over, fractures of my skull. Had 2 heart attacks and mini strokes, all of this is documented by the way. My chest is constantly being attacked and back of my neck and head, and its just becoming too much for me. Their damn medicines didnt work and I daresay almost killed me and then the natural remedies stir this shit up to the point of crawling around on the floor screaming and begging for death only to be like JESUS I DIDNT MEAN THAT I DONT WANNA DIE. Its the most painful, mind numbingly terrifying TORTURE on the face of this planet, and you will NEVER be able to make up for how shitty some of you have made me feel for being ill. DOCTORS ARE COMMITING SUICIDE NOW BECAUSE THEY SEE WE WERE TELLING THE TRUTH. They couldnt handle the guilt of making us as a whole feel like they did. Do your damn research before you call someone nuts okay? EDUCATE yourself. Hmm what did they used to say on the L word? Oh right. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. And yes I have made a whole lot of mistakes in my life, but I am forgiven by God, so who are you to hold a grudge? I have tried to love, tried to be a light, and the few times I had really good people in my life, I mucked it up because I was foolish. I am not foolish now. And no one deserves what we are going through. No one...Not even you.


I was 16 when I left home to go to Michigan. The circumstances led me to try a drug which then controlled alot of my actions for the rest of my life. I hurt a lot of people emotionally because of it, and I am sorry. I will however say that I have been targeted by something really terrible since by birth, and I used to say that I was ' born wrong '. I got really sick when I was in my 20s after suffering massive pain in my teeth for 15 years. I now know that I was tortured. My question here is simple. For people out there who were drug addicts, alcoholics, prostitutes, pill poppin, whatever. ( This world was wrong abotu all of that but thats for another day ) I have a question for you. Does that mean that the TI PROGRAM...BEAST SYSTEM. PIECE OF SHIT LAW PEOPLE WHO ARE CROOKED AND DIRTY ( There are some who arent but they are becoming rarer ) And anyone else connected to the system that controls this prison planet, does that give them a right to torture and ''' punish '''' them??? DOES IT? Because I am pretty sick and tired of this. I go for years at a time doing nothing wrong as far as illegal anything...And if I ever messed up with drugs in my past|? IMMEDIATELY it was like a portal opened for really bad shit to attach to me, make me see things, and follow and harass me for a long time afterwards. Mind you, I didnt know about targeting back then, so I just thought those people were freaking weird and needed to quit staring at me and following me and BEFORE I KNEW? I told them so happily lol. Learning abotu the truth of this world has turned me into a mamby pamby needy little girl. CORRECTION: THIS BANDING TUBE SYSTEM IN MY BODY THAT IS CONNECTED TO SOME HIGH TECHNOLOGY has turned me into that. I AM NOT WEAK. Not the real Trish. Most of you dont know the real Trish cuz she didnt take this shit from anyone, technology or no technology. I need to know what in the world to do when you get this advanced? I have never found anyone with it built so strongly in them before. Like a huge rubber hose threaded everywhere AND YET I AM STILL IN HERE SCREAMING AND NO ONE DOES ANYTHING. I am not putting that on anyone reading this. I am just saying. Its not like I havent been documenting my journey here, and I AM BEING HURT PHYSICALLY VERY BADLY JUST FOR TYPING THIS. You wouldnt believe what they are doing to me because I am voicing this. Searing hot pain in every joint, throbbing in organs. Oh yeah. I cant feel my organs anymore. Nope. Nothing. ITS LIKE BEING IN ANOTHER BODY YET IM HERE. And no matter what anyone says, I am quite intelligent and sane. I am crazy tho. Crazay like a fox. And trust me, those who are saying they care about me and really arent on the good side? I see you too. Just...Its not my problem. MATRIX AGENTS is what they are and frankly...They really dont want to incur the wrath of any divine protection we may have left, so they drop us clues sometimes. Warnings. Puzzle pieces. And most of us are too scared or dense to realize what is happening. All about the NARROW WAY. And most will miss it. Yet there are millions of people who call themselves Christians. How is that few? FEW THERE BE THAT FIND IT. My question then. No matter what we have done in our past, does that give them an ACTUAL RIGHT to do this to us? I believe it is cosmic injustice. Literally.

A lost bird, gliding over twilight beaches, wings gently forming a perfect glissade, in the almost blue black night. A crow, gone wrong. Hearing the masters voice wasnt so easy after beign thrown down here. ALone, in the dark. Forever searching. Forever wandering. Forever aching. For home. Because it certainly isnt here. Yet part of the punishment of coming willingly to this planet is the memory loss, the complete wiping out of the memories of the only Kindgom that is powerful enough to beat the dark ones. Who come out of hiding at night, wearing their cloaks of slow death. Let them touch you and you will be uploded to the torture p rogram. Oh it looks so good....Eve and the apple once more. Yet...Its not an apple and Im not Eve. And yet................


I hate being STUCK. Being caged behind your own eyes, while autopilot takes over your body is no fun either, it is a living death. They were not far off in calling us the walking dead. Except we few...Who can still remember what it is like to smell the breeze, and feel the air on our skin. We have to remember what it was like to BE IN this environment that has now caged us like a prisoner behind bars. A free jail sentence, one and all, come and get it. CAGED FREEDOM, that's what it is. Others are always sick and running to ER. I used to be like that. Till I realized they cant and wont help us. They are told not to, when are you all going to get it? ITS ALL RIGGED. Rigged to make us fail. And we either give up, or give in, or we fight.

I dont know what happens with the decisions we have made in our lives BEFORE we knew the truth and saw the world for what it really is. Idk what it means, all the dumb, reckless, stupid, and outright WRONG choices we made before we became aware it was all rigged. I don't know. I do know that a lifetime of being beaten down just for being alive. Being made to feel like shit, because we were the horse, not the shit. Being made to feel worthless by people who knew damn well that we were worth EVERYTHING, perhaps more than them. Thats the thing. The real slimeballs and scumbags of this world were the ones who pounded us down. Not everyone was made/created for the same purpose, and those vessels of dishonor that were created to be examples of evil, they tried to turn us into one of them. Tried to fill us so full of lies, and worth less ness, that we couldnt even lift our heads, while the creeps of this Earth walk around with their heads held high, and are arrogant sons of bitches. Yes I did just say that.

Then those same lowlifes target us and hurt us, and use weapons most of us cant see against us, and pay people little bits of money to h arass us. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY ( IF YOU HAVE ANY HEART OR SOUL LEFT, OR ARE YOU JUST A MEAT SUIT CARCASS? ) What could you possibly gain that would be worth hurting people ON PURPOSE? That money you love so much? POOF will go up in smoke soon. That house, that car, that job, that person? ALL COULD BE GONE IN AN INSTANT. How dare you play God with other people's lives? You are in danger more than any of your victims. And God help you. Seriously. When our Creator makes things right? God help you.

I am not mincing words. We are either vessels of honor or dishonor and only the Creator knows who is who. I dont want the job of judging that. I just wanted to be allowed to love, and live, and breathe, and dance, and laugh, and drink if I want to without having to feel bad for fucking breathing.

I may offend some of you, and Im sorry for that. Or at least I want to be there. The wishing for it is there regardless ha. I can't...Take it anymore. OH AND then I am an empath so I feel everyone elses pain too and people make that osund so soft and shit, NO. We feel your pain, AND WE FEEL YOUR ANGER, AND YOUR HATE, AND YOUR PERVERTED EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS, AND EVEN YOUR MURDEROUS EMOTIONS. Im tired of people making empaths something to be pitied because we feel everyones pain poor us. We feel every sick disgusting fiber of YOUR being, and somehow have to not let that mix with our own shit, as well as guard our light, and our emotions, and our thoughts ,and hearts, and minds, and bodies FROM ALL OF YOUR SICKNESS INSIDE AND OUT. Okay? This is real talk. So just...Man I might lose some friends for this video but thats okay with me. Weeds out those that aren't supposed to be around me. I am upset today. I am upset that I am upset, and sad, and a little angry, and I miss SOME THINGS about the way my life used to be. But Pattie is gone. Alot is gone. I just pray I don't go with it, someday. Have a good night.

I am feeling so many things at once in this moment. My life and heart and mind and soul threatened by the darkness both within mankind and without. There is also spiritual danger. Every day that I cant figure this out, there is danger. Help me God. The ground is hard this morning from the cold. Hard and impenatratable, like the rocks that lay on top of it. But we know that by turning up the temperature, it becomes soft and pliable. Same can be said for the human  heart that has gone cold. Who are we to judge the reason for that harshnes? But if we turn up the temp, by being warm and loving, that cold heart might just turn into the neatest kind of earth. The kind you can plant seeds in. Just a thought. 


I have fought this shit for 35 years. All people see is my actions, they dont know what lies behind them, they are too blind to see, too corrupted by the world, too IN the world to notice whats going on IN the world. See how messed up that is? 9 years of day and night torture and torment, I am still here. Those people who judge me guilty? They will know the truth, and the truth will set them free alright. Free to realize the opportunity they were handed when I came into their lives. When others did. You have no idea who I really am, do you? Do you remember who you really are? This world teaches them to reject and blacklist the ones who don't fit into their definition. Their box, of what a person is supposed to be. Of this worlds typical '' normal ''. We were born form above, knew th Creator, intimately. Then sent here to help. BUT, we were tricked, lied to, rejected, beaten down, abused, told we werent good enough, told that we were crazy. What happened to in the world, not of it? Yet what standards do you use to judge others? The world's. Even worse the old testement. I have had enough. My heart bleeds. Bleeds for love. Bleeds for understanding. Bleeds for Pattie. Bleeds for my son. Oh the ache..If you only knew..What I have lost...In slow motion..Crystaline...I am who I am. I have done what I have done. But no one sees why. Because they dont take the time to simply ask me. I am done with all this. If I had woken up years ago, my abilites would not have gone to waste, I could have helped so many. But thanks to this world and the humans in it, and my own need...I feel destroyed. This...Tears in my eyes, they are my own this time.



I am incredibly frustrated and irritated right now along with a whole host of other emotions that I AM SURE is being caused by this atmosphere and other things I cant talk about in here. ANYWAYS, I am here to talk about these parasites that have wrapped around me. I am like a walking horror film and I dont know how to get them OUT. It makes it worse because they have combined with the mold, fungus, toxins, radiation, and heavy metals in my body so every time i inujure or kill one of them that all gets released back into my bloodstream and general system. I wont put it here but I have shared with Crystal Tripp what my scan test results were in my blood and it is really very bad. But to make a long story short, this parasite got nano in it and turned into a monster and Im fighting for my life every single day, in all ways shapes and forms. Its in my MOUTH twisting and taking over, and head and neck and everywhere, and the doctors wont do anything because theyve never seen anything like it. One straight up ran out of the room when she felt it move in my head. I am being treated like the parasite. I am either a walking corpse or a walking miracle and I haven't figured out which one is more accurate as of yet. I tried the gum spirits/turpentine and that has not worked as of yet except to irritate both the ' worm ' and ME. Is t here anything you can think of that could help take it out of my mouth? I am working on dismantleing it from my gut to tear down the foundation it built itself a bridge up my body, but I figure if I can get it to back out of my mouth, then it might go back down my neck into my gut where the meds await it. Any suggestions? And please the haters I have in here? Back off. Otherwise thank you. ❤




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by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO 21 Prompt

what is your greatest achievement? Why?
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by valencia
Last night I had a dream of my mom and Ryan hanging out together. It was such a beautiful sight, and in the dream she was so excited to hang out with him and I was there but I wasn't. It was very bizarre in the sense I never dream of my mom like ever. I think in the 11 years of my mommy being deceased, I have only dreamt like one time. It rattled me a bit because now I want to know what it means. I think it means though that she is happy and excited for me that I have Ryan and that she approves. It makes me so fucking sad though that she will never meet him and that bothers me, makes me so upset. Like if God exists I hope she is able to look down at me and is so excited and happy for me. She will never meet him but in this dream they were best friends and I loved that. I really wish this was real though. They were hanging out like they were best friends, and I wish I had that opportunity that they would of met in person. I woke up happy but also sad, happy because I believe she was giving me her approval at least that is what i believe the dream to translate too. but sad and angry also because they will never meet in person. I am convinced she sent him to me. Like anyone that knows my mom and then meets Ryan would be like, oh wow they are a lot alike. I am bawling just typing this it makes me angry. I wish this dream would of turned into reality. It will never be reality though and it sucks.

Anyways I needed to get this out.
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OH MAN I SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom is coming tomorrow and I've been cleaning and forgot to post today's prompt!


If you could visit anywhere on Earth for a one-month vacation, where would you go and what would you do?
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by I Fear Who I Am Beco

If this doesn't apply, let it fly: I never thought sickness groups could look so much like high school. People competing for ' sickest ' status. Its disgusting, literally makes me feel like I am going to hurl. And degrading to those of us who have suffered for so long. I really could care less right now if this makes people mad. I was confronted by a troll who made fun of me for thinking I was ' sicker than they are'. If anyone takes a look at my videos, and HAS the monster, I have yet to meet them. Minus one person. Just... These groups, WE CREATED THEM FIRST, WE WERE THE LITERAL FORERUNNERS, because we wanted SOLUTIONS, not to sit around and bemoan our shit ok. A friend of mine and I have been working tirelessly, making ourselves guinea pigs to get CURED not just lack of symptoms,. And those of you who insist you can't be cured from things, can just delete me now. I LOVE ALL HUMANS, but I no longer have the time to waste on some of this petty shit. I am the sweetest girl you will probably ever meet, and I take alot of shit before I get like this. But this is me, putting my foot down. If you want HEALED, come along on this journey. If you just want to sit in this, and let it consume you, please I beg of you,,,,DONT. Just because you dont see the possibilites of being healed and cured does NOT mean they dont exist. Because you have never heard of something does NOT mean it doesnt exist. I spent YEARS freaking out and being scared. IM DONE. Its better off you know now...Im coming out GOLD in the end. This fire burns like...Hell....Get it? Come with me if you want, TO TRUE HEALING, but please...Dont try to hold others down, and for petes sakes STOP making suffering a competition. I love you and pray for all of us every single day. I am having a terrible time even breathing right now let alone writing, but I will try. For you. For me. I have just lost my brother in a really terrible way, he was 3 years older then I am. I found out my grandma died and noone bothered to tell me like I said before. I have turend into an adrelaline fiend in other words, I have to have caffeine in order to function, otherwise it is not me controlling my own body. Everything is clogged up to the max, even into my very mouth. All of the pathways are carved by the enemies of my soul, and God only knows what is transported into them. I am not a scared little cub anymore. I SEE YOU. I know the truth. And you wont get away with this. I am growing into a lioness and I am bout to roar. THESE WARS ARE CARVING ME INTO SOMETHING USEFUL TO GOD AND TO MANKIND. We have to do this together, or what is the point? GET IT. WHAT DONT KILL US WILL ONLY MAKE US STRONGER. <3


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by NOJOMO 2021

I suck! I know! So it's another Free Form Friday! Write about whatever you want! Just write! :)
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by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO DAY 18 Prompt

Write a letter to someone that you always want to thank but have never had the chance to do so.
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by valencia
I swear every time I write here, something bizarre happens in my life. It is so damn weird. Anyways though I am not having surgery because the hospital called me yesterday and was asking me for a copay to get hospitalized. And before you think well duh, insurances require that but I have insurance that covers my copays and I have never ever paid a copay ever. So that is why I did not think to save a copay (2k) or anything if the hospital would of told me months before then I would of saved at the min half of it. So I canceled it, and it totally sucks but I am going to continue my pre-op liquid diet since I am already on it anyways. I am going to do it for two weeks and see if I could lose some weight. I am super down about this and it just sucks but I have to get over it and accept it ain't happening. Maybe when I move I will be able to but for now it ain't happening. Then I got rejected from another job in Cali just today and it just sucks because I just feel like it will never happen at this point. Obviously I just feel super down right now but I won't give up. I am now going back to applying to jobs since I have nothing now holding me back.
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by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO DAY 17 Prompt

For us Americans, Thanksgiving is almost a week away. It's a tradition to give thanks and say what we're grateful for. So here's today's prompt:

What are you most grateful for?
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by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO DAY 16 Prompt

Is there a dream job out there that you always wanted to do but never did? What stopped you from achieving this dream?
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by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO DAY 15 - Prompt

Where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?
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by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO DAY 14 Prompt

What is your idea of a family?
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by NOJOMO 2021

If you were a superhero, what would be your name and your superpowers?
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by NOJOMO 2021
NOJOMO 12 Prompt

I thought I'd mix it up a little and instead of a prompt, how about a good, old fashioned survey instead? Remember these? What a throw back!

1. First Name:
2. Were you named after any anyone?
3. Do you wish on stars?
4. Which finger is your favourite?
5. When did you last cry?
6. Do you like your handwriting?
7. What is your favourite lunch meat?
8. Any bad habits?
9. What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf?
10. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you?
11. Are you a daredevil?
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
13. Do looks matter?
14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
16. Do fish have feelings?
17. Are you trendy?
18. How do you release anger?
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt?
21. What was your favourite toy as a child?
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless?
24. Have you ever been on radio or television?
25. Do u keep a journal?
26. What is your favorite movie?
27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl?
29. What are your nicknames?
30. Would you bunjee?
31. Do you un-tie your shoes when you take them off?
32. What are you worried about right now?
33. Do you ever wear overalls?
34. Do you think that you are strong?
35. What's your favourite ice cream flavor?
36. Whats your favourite colour/s?
37. What is your least fav. thing in the world?
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have?
39. Are you in love with anyone?
40. How many people have a crush on you right now?
41. Who do you miss most right now?
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Recent Forum Reply
To all Americans:

Here it is: November is upon us. How did it come so fast? I always feel the year has been shockingly fast every time this month comes around. For instance, the end of this month marks 1 year of living in our “forever home”. I just can’t believe it!

I have a question for all/:

What are you most thankful for? Are there any Thanksgiving memories? Traditions?

For instance, in my family someone always makes “tortilla treats” that is always part of Thanksgiving meal. We make them for Christmas and New Years, too. Only this time of year for some reason!

-Jamie. ❤️
Recent Forum Reply
Forum Thread: NOJOMO 2021
Forum: Announcements
NOJOMO Day 1 prompt is posted! Remember that you have the end of the day tomorrow, November 1, to sign up if you want to be eligible for a prize!
Recent Forum Reply
Forum Thread: Hello 👋
Forum: General Discussion
LOL I like it!
Recent Forum Reply
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Did it fall off on account of flat earth? Asking for a friend.....
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Thank you for "exterminating" the issue ;)
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I still miss photobucket though. It was my favorite place to store photos for layouts and my art diary.
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Use the suggestion forums to keep the site suggestions rolling! We will be looking often!
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