Untethered

05/06/2025

I keep "almost" falling into these mental pits. Not really sure what's happening, but I know that if I sit there and contemplate these pits I keep narrowly avoiding, I'll fall into, almost sort of a depression? Not sure how to categorize the feeling. I keep having to manually divert my focus and energy into work, parenting, or something else. I guess that's why I've been journaling more often, even though I guess I'm doing the kind of reflecting that might be causing me to willingly dive into the pits I've been avoiding. But maybe it's helping? I don't know.

Sometimes I just write these streams of consciousness just to see what happens. Sometimes I write them because it just feels good to type away sometimes, even if I don't have the patience to continue after a few paragraphs. I don't know what I'm getting out of this. Maybe Bloop feels like a comfort right now. A nostalgia. Sort of like going back to my old childhood neighborhood, despite nobody I know living there anymore. Mostly just strangers wondering why this grown adult is walking slowly around their homes, looking at everything. I don't know why I made the decision to come back here, because I know it's a barely-functioning shell of what it used to be, with a 10th of the activity, but... I just need a familiar entity to hold me right now. To lay down in my old bed, and just exist for a minute. Breathe in the air I used to breathe during a simpler time. Maybe I can come up with some more flowery metaphors describing the nostalgia.

Bianca said she'd been feeling the same way, and used the term "untethered." I don't know if it fits, but she seemed to identify with how I was describing the feeling, and used that word, so I guess I'll default to it for now. I don't have the energy to reflect on precise language for this. I'll just focus on work.