Hello again Diary,

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I do NOT care for the Orange Man. I do not care for his character. I do not care for the way he speaks about others. I do not care for the narcissism. This man, in my opinion does not have a redeeming quality about himself. That being said, I am a blue dot in a red sea. My husband, most of my husband's family, and most of my family are Trump supporters. I do not let different political opinions affect my personal relationships, AS LONG as there is mutual respect for each other's choices. I understand that both sides can and do have compelling reasons why they think the way they do, human nature is to have free will and free thinking. I can have a conversation all day with someone who doesn't agree with me politically if they stay level headed, factual, and respectful.  I try to keep the information I share factual, or at the very least if they *are* just opinions, I keep them respectful enough not to criticize anyone I know personally. I will share all day long how he's an asshole narcissist, that's fair game. What I won't share is anything calling his supporters stupid, things of that sort. (What I actually think in my own brain is between me and myself though...) I share things all over my social media all the time. Sharing on a public platform to be viewed by anyone who has access to my page is an invitation to engage on said post. That's why it was shared publicly. Comment away. What it IS NOT an invitation to do is message me personally with some bullshit. 

Let me explain further.

The other day, I get a private message out of the blue from my mother. It's a video, so I watch it. It opens with a dude saying how he was asked if he supported the protests happening in LA. Goes on to explain how he does support them. He supports them because the more "they riot, break shit, and destroy their own city" is just "birthing more red voters." Okay, okay. You still have my attention. "Yall motherfuckers out there in Los Angeles are throwing a full blown motherfuckin tantrum" he says. Eh... getting alittle harsh, but I'm still engaging. Maybe there's a point to this I just haven't gotten to yet. Goes on to make jokes. Whatever. BUT THEN the video tapers down with "I'm not mad you're passionate. I'm mad you're dumb." Okaaaayyyy.

So, I responded after a couple minutes.

me: so we gotta smash the capitol's windows and chant death threats while carrying a gallows in the crowd for this to be supported by yall? You don't want to start this with me. I don't even know why you would send this to me.

mom: i thought it was funny...

me: of course you did. and you knew what you were doing sending it to me. Well, sit there and be even more disappointed in me not being a republican, because guess who is also going to be out on Saturday at a protest?

*this is where I started to really think about the video, rewatched it, thought about whether I should let it go. Then doubled down on her knowing exactly what her intentions were sending me this, knowing I do not align with her politically.*

me again: I have respected opinions within the personal sphere. Sure, I share my opinions on fb because I am allowed to, and anyone has the right to engage or not. But to send this video right to me privately for a direct response? Here it is, the direct response you want. I no longer respect your opinion. I am disappointed that you support him. I am disappointed that the woman who raised me supports someone who is EVERYTHING I was taught not to be. But, in hindsight, I guess that's to be expected when you share common ground with him and some of the distateful characteristics that cause me to be against him in the first place.

*finally, after an hour, she reads it and responds*

her: I taught you to stand up for what is right. You act like your side is taking the moral high ground when in reality they are just as bad. but you know the only people who actually believe in this country and what it stands for are the ones to get demonized

(WHATTTTTTTT TF... to be fair, I can definitely agree that both sides have bad apples. Both sides are imperfect. But to say that last part in a response to ME reacting to a video YOU sent essentially calling me and my beliefs dumb is a WILD TAKE. who is demonzing who???" anyway...

me: "you act like your side is taking the moral high ground." as you send me that video... idgaf, you lit the match, let this burn. that whole message right there is so fucking hipocritical it's astounding. Sending me that video knowing we dont agree politically isnt demonzing me?? 

her: yup, shut down the conversation because we dont want to hear the other side. come on, let me have it.

me: I didnt invite a conversation about it so I do not care to have one. 

her: this is the whole point to open a conversation

me: no, YOU came at ME with it. I didnt invite this. 

her: you did by posting the stuff you have. I just choose not to engage on facebook

me: wanna take to my public posts? want me to elaborate on these things you have in common with him? on my public posts? me posting publicly DOES NOT equate to me wanting forced into a private conversation over our differences, but force does seem to be the trend lately. so, let's go public. 

her: * no answer*

*at this point, I am full steam ahead and way past irritated*

me: personally sending me a video calling this and that stupid and dumb is ENTIRELY different than me posting my opinions on my platform that don't personally attack anyone I know or call them schoolyard names. So yes, I shut this down, not because I don't want to have the conversation, but because you OPENED it with disrespect. So I do not care to have it with you. Idgaf who you are.

her: wow...

me: I purposefully try to keep my posts respectful  and not resort to name calling and schoolyard attitudes when I share them. But you sending me that video just showed me all I wanted to know.

her: what... that I have a sense of humor? you are the one who blew this up and threatened to air dirty laundry that was tol to you as a mother and daughter being open with each other, got it. I have never spoken down to you for having a different opinion, I have never threatened to publicly air stuff and things you have told me, but okay. (the "dirty laundry" will not be detailed on here, but you can speculate for fun if you'd like from the context. Also, note here, that although I didnt touch on it, just last Easter she sat on the front porch and DID speak down about me with her Trump loyalist brother in front of everyone while I was easter egg hunting with the kids, she just didn't know I could hear her)

me:  nah, nah, you dont get to act like I came out of nowhere with this. You thinking that video "was funny" and sending it to me privately knowing good and well I am on the side of those he is calling names is, in fact, speaking down on me. Have I ever sent anything to you up until now that was disrespectul towards your political beliefs? That wasnt having a sense of humor. That was voicing your true opinion of me and my choices under the shroud of a "BUT IT WAS FUNNY!" excuse so you can dismiss your intentions when you didnt get the response you thought you were going to get. Will I actually air the dirty laundry publicly? Probably not. But for you to spout at me "yall act like you have the moral high ground" is RICH coming from someone who *insert dirty laundry*

I never got a response after that.

So, listen. I am not a "respect your elders" type of person. I am a "respect is earned" type of person. You don't get to come at me any which way you want then try to condemn me for my responses if you don't like them.  "But she's your mom! She's family!" Okay? Did that seem to matter to her at that moment? I am still confused exactly what she expected to come out of that... or even why she did it. To give her credit, most of the time she IS a peacekeeper. She does not usually escalate confict. So I'm not sure what was going through her brain to send me that, knowing I am not afraid to stand up for myself, regardless of who you are.

But that's it. The first time for me that things got volatile over politics. With my own mother, no less... *shrugs* Now that it has been a couple days and I have calmed down from the heat of the moment.... Should I have taken that low blow? Probably not. And I might apologize for it eventually. Do I regret my other responses? NOT ONE TEENY BIT. 

Until next time...

xoxo, J.

Dearest Diary....

I. Cannot. Take. Much. More. Of. This.

Whatever we are getting punished for, please, let it be over. Jeep is broken...again And this is the SECOND time it has broke since the previous Jeep entry. Broken Ball joint the first time, $180 fix. Just last week she had a caliper lock up, $200 fix. THIS time it is the starter, $80 fix.

I am now through 1 week of lapsed pay because I cannot get unemployment sorted right and no one is a fucking help when I call. Not to mention their system is a cluster fuck of confusion to figure out anyway. It is the least user friendly website I have ever tried to navigate, and I even pride myself on being above average at comprehension, but FUCK SAKE their website and their barrage of questions are so hard to decipher. UGH.

The 1yo will NOT stop screaming at the top of his lungs every damn second he is awake. I'm not talking crying because he needs something, either. He just screeches. For nothing. constantly. I am at my wit's end with it. Been, what, 4 months since he's learned he could? Save me.

Silver lining, I guess (not for me, but for my husband *eyeroll*) He finally bought a new (to him) car to replace the one that got totaled. So there's that. Atleast I get my Jeep back to not be stuck in the house! Oh... right... sigh.

Until I have something else to vent about,

xoxo, J.

Holy cow, I don't even know how the school year is already coming to an end!  I just finished my report cards, and they are ready to be printed tomorrow.  I have 2.5 days left of school, and I'll be out for the summer... I'll miss these kids so much.  They were such a great class, but I know they're more than ready to move on to 3rd grade.  

I decided to take a summer class to start my master's.  It began on Thursday, and I've already done a lot of work for it so far.  The 6-week accelerated classes are no joke.  I feel like I'll be okay when I get back into the swing of college classes.  I'm not entirely sure how I'll manage to take class and go back to work in September.   Konner told me to take it one day at a time and see how I do this summer.  He told me I'm a powerhouse and I can do anything.  He is always so encouraging and supportive.  It's nice to have someone rooting for you and lifting you when you need it.  

It's rather late here, but I wanted to write a little something.  It's been a while...

It's pretty heavy, tonight. I can feel the weight of it, the pressure. 

I'm so tired of all this.

It's getting harder to keep some of my promises. I'll fail, sooner or later.

I'm going to warn you now, this may be cluster of thoughts that do not flow smoothly. As my title suggests, this entry's purpose is solely to empty my hurting brain.

I did not log about it, but 2 weeks ago my husband got rear ended on his way to work. Woke up with my alarm to get ready for work and a ton of missed calls, that's how I found out. Cue scrambling to wake up the littles to then scramble to find last second childcare for them so I could go pick him up and take him to the ER for head injuries. He is fine, just a mild concussion, 3 days off work. Insurance, insurance, insurance. This to add to the super gross electric bill we were battling with that I referenced in a previous entry about utility bills. Anyway, the other guy's insurance company attempted to send my husband a settlement agreement. Now, bear in mind, their guy was 100% at fault, possible totaled car, and a 4k ER visit. Their settlement offer was a measly $2k. No ma'am. What we not gonna do is accept an offer that doesnt even cover his damages. So, with husband's permission, I emailed back withg a counter offer. After working with my dear old excel and making a spreadsheet of every car part that was damaged, their cost, counting in shop labor costs, lost wages, and his medical bill cost, I counteroffered 10k. That of course was with some wiggle room for a counter offer from them. Always leave wiggle room. They didn't take it, countered with raising it to 3k as we had limited tort (got me there, I guess) and because his injuries didnt "breach the threshold" of counting as a serious injury. Still insulting. So, I countered AGAIN with $7k, which I felt was still really fair and reasonable, as that was bottom dollar to cover the incident. Nope. "We will go ahead and continue with this claim" I said. Well, we just found out today that they are indeed deeming the car a total loss. We figured as much. What we DIDN'T expect though, is how much the insurance company valued the car at. KBB ws giving us an estimate of around $3k. TURNS OUT, his car is a model type was a limited edition or something like that? I don't remember what my husband told me about that specifically, but, given that, the insurance company valued the car at about $6.5k. So, to that I say "suck it, other guy's insurance company. Bet you wish you took that $7k settlement counter offer now, don't you?" HA! MAJOR personal win for us. So, with the car being valued at $6.5k, subrogation to get our $500 deductible reimbursed, the $4k ER visit, and $1k in lost wages, the other guy's insurance company is now going to end up paying at least $12k, and that isn't even including the legal fees between the insurance companies to get it all worked out. Major L for them. So, once he sends over the car title and gets the car cleaned out from his personal effects, we should see the check in about a week or 2. New cars are always fun. And my husband being my husband, even said that if we can find a decent car for a decent price to have some money left over, we can couple that with trading my Jeep in (which has been fixed from my previous post about it, btw) and possibly get a new-to-me car too! You get a car! And you get a car! Everybody gets a new car!

Oh, and we also ended up scoring a win with the community church in regards to our electric bill too! We went in asking for partial help with our bill this month as to not take advantage (since we just had to get help with about $100 of our electric bill last month) but they are going to help us with the full bill anyway. Yay! I had the thought to suggest to my husband to even take a portion of his insurance check to donate back to the church as a thank you. After all, they are going above and beyond, and we are forever appreciative to them. 

Dear Diary,

You really should have told me to trust my gut feelings about this weekend because I, in fact, did not have a good time. Not a single part of it was fun or relaxing, and I have ZERO desire to ever want to try a vacation with this group ever again. I cannot blame any one person for SOME of the happenings of this weekend, as they were out of anyone's control, but other happenings FOR SURE can be (and will be) blamed on the responsible individual.

The trip started off with a departure time of 2:30pm. Went off with a hitch. So far, so good. Our route consisted of taking the scenic detour through Benezette before cutting over to Galeton, which is where our rental cabin was. This particular part of PA is known for it's abundant Elk population, and is a major tourist spot for just that. My mother, my grandmother, and myself in one vehicle, the other woman in her vehicle leading the way since she is overly familiar with the area we are in. Moving along through the numerous mountain roads, the lead vehicle is slowing down here and there for whitetail and elk sightings. For whatever reason this one particular time though, the lead vehicle decides to jam her breaks pretty hard, in turn causing our vehicle to need to jam their brakes too. Well, that one decision was the turning point for our whole trip. Brakes get jammed, suddenly the van no longer wants to change gears and accelerate. Cool! Here we are, up in the mountains on a not-so-main highway, with a broken down vehicle, 4 hours from home. Granted, we still had a working vehicle (the lead vehicle) however, we have a whole weekend getaway worth of luggage for 4 women, the 4 women themselves, a stack of firewood for the weekend, a big cooler holding food for the weekend, and the lead vehicle is just a Dodge SUV. Luckily, my grandmother is an AAA member. A broken down van is just a bump in the road to our glorious weekend. Or so we thought...

6:00 pm. -  So here we are, 1 vehicle broken down, on some highway road in the mountains, 4 hours away from home and still another 1.5 hours from the cabin, with way too much in baggage to cram all of it and us into the other vehicle. "Well, just call AAA and get a tow!" you say. Remember where we are, though? Mountain roads. I check my phone, no service. Mom checks her phone, no service. My grandmother checks her phone, no service. D checks her phone, wait! She happens to have just a tiny bit of service. Whew. So we call AAA, they need to know where we are. No clue! On some highway in the mountains, 16 or so miles SW outside Benezette, under some power lines. That's all we could tell her. After a little bit back and forth, she assures us she knows just about where we are and will get a tow truck to us shortly. She asks "where would you like the van towed to?" Miss ma'am, we are 4 hours away from home, we are not from this area (as you very well knew already) so we have no clue where the closest garage is, nor can we look it up because of the teensy tiny issue of having BARELY ANY CELL SERVICE. "Well, unfortunately I cannot get a tow truck dispatched to you until we have an address of where you would like to take it" she says. Listen here you **********... Anyway, got that figured out, fast forward, the phone call comes in from the tow truck guy. "Hey, could you tell me alittle more info on where you are? I cannot seem to find you." After breadcrumbing some info to him, TURNS OUT the AAA woman, in fact, did not know where we were, as the tow truck driver informed us that he was over 2 hours away from us in 2 counties over and he could not help us. Great.

7:30 pm - Cue the second call to AAA, to another representative. We explain what happened with the first attempt at a tow rescue. Go through the same thing with this rep. We cannot really tell you where we are, this is the info we know, and to disregard the tow company info the first rep had submitted because he is over 2 hours away and cannot help. Back and forth, back and forth. before we could establish another tow truck, we lost service and the call drops. Sigh. Do the phone-in-the-air thing to find service, call them back. "We will contact a tow service and have them reach out to you shortly." Okay, great. time passes, phone dings with a text from AAA. "Unfortunately, we cannot secure a tow truck within the service area." THAT'S IT? WHAT NOW?! Call back, this time with alittle less patience and alot more attitude. Same song and dance with the representative. Tensions are high at this point. Get a tow truck company secured, they give us a call...

8:30pm - On the phone with the tow company. Exchange information, sort out the details. "Our ETA is 10:30pm." No. Fucking. Way. we are waiting in the dark, in the mountains, for another 2 hours for this tow truck. Sonofabitch. Okay, so what's the next option? Leave the van until morning, come back to meet the tow truck driver to give him the keys. That's what we are just going to have to do. But what to do with all this luggage now? Take the important stuff, leave the unimportant stuff in the van to get tomorrow. Okay, cool. Did I forget to mention it has been raining this whole time? 

9:30pm - SUV is crammed with the important stuff, we are back on the road. 1.5 hours yet to the cabin. Bladders full, spirits crushed, energy levels depleted. Google says to take this road. "That is a dirt road, I don't do dirt roads" Reroutes the gps, another 20 minutes tacked on. *eye roll* Whatever. Dark, raining, winding mountain roads. Another dirt road we are to turn on. "nope! I don't do dirt roads." Another 20 minute reroute. 

11:30pm - We FINALLY reach the cabin. Get some quick food, go to bed. No excitement to be had knowing that we have to get up to drive 1.5 hours back to the van to meet the tow truck driver so that will take up most of the day before we get back to the cabin to *actually* start our vacation. All of this happened just to end up seeing only TWO elk....

NEXT DAY. This part won't be drawn out as long. Get up, make the drive to meet the tow truck guy. Done. It is 2pm at this point, still have not gotten to actually start our vacation. Stop for lunch. Go back to the cabin. Did I mention it is still raining? I'm 100% done and ready to just come home. Grandmother is no longer enjoying herself because she is stressing about her van breaking down. D has a headache. My mom is being my mom. You know what? I'm going to take a nap. So that's what I did. Get up, we make dinner. D and grandmother go to bed. Rain slows to a sprinkle, slow enough that I can make a camp fire. Not much else going on and I took a nap so I'm not tired yet. My mother and I sit outside and stare at the fire and listen to 90's country music until 1am. The only not sucky part of the whole trip. Day over, go to bed.

LAST DAY, 7:30 am. Get up, morning coffee. Breakfast. Pack the car. Get on the road. "I don't do dirt roads" ended up adding about 45 minutes onto the total trip home from all of the reroutes. Coffee and miscellaneous pit stops added on another 1.5 hours to the trip home.

4:30 pm - Finally. Home.

Wasn't a big part of the trip, but worth mentioning to reference my previous post about this trip. D did try and sprinkle political yuckies into the trip here and there in conversations but none of it was entertained. Doesn't make it any less annoying though. Two particular yuckies that were mentioned:

1. Apparently, if Kuh-mah-luh would have won, her administration would have destroyed the beauty of state parks and that would have been terrible because "beautiful places like this need to be protected!" (hmmm, VERY interesting.)

2. "Rent is so high anymore because of all of the foreigners that have been let into our country!"

Hello Diary,

I am going to open this entry up by asking: How is it possible to look forward to something while simultaneously dreading it?

I am taking a girl's weekend with a few ladies this upcoming weekend to go "glamping" as they would say. Cabin in the woods, nearby lake, oodles of wine to keep a nice buzz going the entire trip. You're probably thinking "how can you dread that!? You're crazy! That sounds fun!" Well... let me spit some other very important background information. The trip itself, awesome. The ladies I'm going with? Eh....

Before I lept head first into our 3rd child and staying at home to care for them, I was making decent money at a really awesome job in a cozy clerical position at a really well known trucking company. I liked my job and I liked the ladies I worked with (except you Sandra, get wrecked.) I had an advantage going in, as one of the office ladies was my own mother, so that meant that I already knew these ladies and I was welcomed in with open arms. We were all friends inside work and outside work, even though all of these ladies were also old enough to be my mother. Jobs sometimes blossom the weirdest friendships. XD I bet you're now thinking "I still don't understand how you're dreading this." Just be patient, we are getting there.

Now, here's the part where I explain why I'm dreading this weekend. I haven't been employed at this place in over a year. Within that year, two new ladies have entered the office force. Two ladies that I do not know, that are also going to this girl's weekend. Reason #1 I am dreading it.

Reason #2 I am dreading it is because when these ladies gather together, all they want to gab about is, you guessed it, work. That's not really an issue, as it is natural to bond over a commonality. However, it doesn't interest me to spend the weekend listening to them yammer on about a job that I am no longer employed at. It's not as fun to hear about who is horizontal dancing with who in the utility closet when you don't know who the "who" is. 

Reason #3? The current administration, knowing I am on the opposite end of the political spectrum as all of these ladies, and also knowing that the one lady FEEDS off of disagreements and the dramatics. Is it 100% guaranteed that this topic will be brought up? Well, no. BUT. Do I know this one particular lady enough to know that she would bring it up in the company of her own little echo chamber, especially knowing that I am singled out? Yes. THAT is where the major source of dread comes from. This weekend is supposed to be a getaway, from work, kids, society in general. I was going to get around this by driving up myself, that way I can dippity dip if this indeed does happen. However, it's a 3 hour drive and I do not think my little creaky little jeep can make that trip without falling apart, so I reluctantly decided to ride along with my mother.

"So if you're so worried about it, why are you going?"  1.I was invited. By my mother. If you would know my mother, you would know that is her way of saying "I want to spend time with you" without actually having to say it. Especially since I turned down the invite the first two times I was asked but she persisted. 2. I DO actually need a weekend away. Bare bones, a weekend trip away where I do not have to drive, plan a schedule, change diapers, and where I get to unplug and spend my time fishing and enjoying nature is a hard thing to pass up. 3. As stated above, do I know any of my worries will come to fruition? No. There is a chance I might actually have fun. Who knows...

Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised and it will be great. Maybe I will go and end up lasting a couple hours before I am ready to throw myself into the lake. I guess we will have to wait and see.

Until then, have a good one and try not to set anything on fire.

xoxo, J.

Nori had her birthday party yesterday.  I was super anxious about it because Konner met a decent portion of my family.  He said he had a great time.  He did not end up bringing his daughter.  I'm a little disappointed, but I'm not going to dwell on it.  Regardless we had a great time.  Nori was so cute and had a wonderful day.  The weather held up too.  It's been so rainy this spring.  It's been hard to be able to enjoy anything.  It's absolutely beautiful out today, so here I am sitting outside on the patio, soaking up the sun, and trying to enjoy my day off.  

Hello again Diary.

Currently making Mac and Cheese for myself and the littles. I am starving. as always.

This week has been a busy one so far, no doubt. We are scrambling to come up with what we need for our electric bill or we are due for shutoff. This is the third bill in our new place, and the second time we are falling behind with it. We cannot seem to keep up with the ever growing electric bill. Luckily, our wonderful community has one or two programs you can seek help from so that very well may have to be the avenue we take this month... $600 electric bill... TRASH. 

Just last week my golden retriever, people pleasing husband had to have a very unpleasant conversation with out gass provider as well. We needed to get to the bottom of how exactly our gas bill for ONE MONTH (heat being our only gas usage, mind you... AND we didn't even need to turn our heat on at any point last month) went from $100-$120 the first two bills to $636. You read that right. $636. Provider tried to tell our husband that they are short on technicians so the last 4 bills for our residence (we are tenants and have only been here for the last 3 bill cycles) were only estimates and our bill is so high because they FINALLY managed to get an actual reading this time and we got charged for past usage "to catch up." HELL TO THE FUCKING NO, MA'AM. YOU being short on technicians on your end and failing to come out for a reading for 4 months DOES not equate to all of that being pushed onto us at one time. Hell, we will send you a damn actual reading every month and do your job for you if you need to. But do not think in another 4 months you will try this again, because the next phone call will be wayyyyyy less fun for you if you do. With some pushback, we did get a resolution, so there's that. Never let a utility company bully you.

By the way, my friend who I am on a video chat with says to make sure you all know how awesome she is. XD

That is all for now, want to focus on my video call.

Ta-ta for now!

xoxo, J.

Update on the ankle... comes to find out it's still just a bad sprain.  I go back to the doctors next week to see if I need phyiscal therapy.  It's definitely gotten better since this past week again.  I still have trouble going up and down stairs.  I feel like that may result in me going to physical therapy unfortunately.  We will see what they say though! 

I decided to take an extra long weekend and used one of my personal days.  I'm not sure if I have anything going on, but having the extra days off will be nice.  I'll try not to work on extra things for work, but I have a feeling I'll spend at least a day trying to catch up things before the end of the school year.

Sunday I'll be meeting Konner's daughter.  This is a HUGE step for me and I'm so nervous.  We planned it so we are going to Nori's first birthday party.  There will be other kids there playing so I feel better about that piece.  Konner and I have anxiety in general, haha...I feel like he is going to be a nervous wreck and such.  We will figure it out!

At this point I feel like I'm just surviving work.  I can barely get out of bed and just find the energy to be chipper at work.  It's been a good year regardless.  Just busy!  I'm ready for school vacation, but I think I'm going to start taking some classes this summer to begin my masters.  I need a few classes for my certification anyway. 

It was a relatively good day, but it was a looooonnnngggg day. A long day of constant kids, noises, and having to be upright when I definitely didn't want to be. My energy is depleted, my brain is cooked, and my patience is worn out. My day started at 5:30am, I hit my limit with noise and people around 4pm, and it's now 9:20pm and I am just now getting a chance to sit down with some peace and quiet and shut my poor, tired brain off. I know, I know. Mom life. "You chose this, you're not allowed to complain." Shut your ass up, yes I am. You don't HAVE to listen, but I WILL complain for alittle. It's my decompression time. a chance to slough off the Monday yuckies. 

That's all for now. 

xoxo, J.

So i show up to work on wednesday and opening manager is glad to see me as he is working with people who speak little english. and then the new gm comes in and says tell her she leave area in disaster she's fired.  i am like what the hell! We are in a " surprise inspection window" and they brought gm's and others from around the state to our store.  They have rearranged our walkin freezer multiple times. Brought in Spanish speaking/ little English workers and acting GM for our store while our gm is out for ankle surgery.  

my job is to prep salads for lunch- and do lunch prep ( make sandwhich lettuce, slice tomatoes, Pan onions pickles and mayo) then do dishes til my shift is over.  But they have taken away my shelves that i use for Air drying.  The district manager specifically told me i couldn't just stack pans as that would cause a residue effect from our sanitise solution so everything must sit and air dry.  well when you only have prep sink space and a couple of shelves where do i put everything?

So Thursday i came in to work: Opening manager glad to see me as i was second person there and should of been 3rd person.( they cut opening from a hour to a half hour so from 6am-630 he had to open by himself. ( new Spanish SPeaking Gm requested this?!?!? it was 530am last 2weeks when he wasn't around). 

So before i started prep i helped him get bacon panned up and eggs n sausage down.  Then i did a prep inventory: how many salads and what i need to make sure we got through the day for lunch.  There wasn't any Sandwhich lettuce, or onions for lunch 2 pans of may 4 pans of tomatoes, and2 pickles.

Opening manager stated they dont want me to do prep in the mornings he was told, but he was like we dont have things i need you to do the things you normally do.

So i do that: when spanish gm and his new managers  come in i get dirty looks like why am i cutting lettuce. I explain or tried to explain we didn't have anything for lunch so i was making sure we had the things. 

Eventually our District Manger shows up: i explain to her what happened that mornign. and i said can you please get clarification for what is expected of me because i can't handle this confusion of what im supposed to be doing. she said let me find out.

So she goes talks to spanish gm and YEs i am to do prep when i get here.  

Ask DM about the schedule for Monday the 19th and she said they hadn't started it yet. 

its supposed to be posted Saturday.

And now i think my body is coming down from all the tension fuck  because i can't seem to fall asleep. 

So im going to work on my resume. and apply a few places. 

i sure as shit dont see me lasting another 2 weeks to make if working there for 4 years.... 

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Dearest Diary,

It's a good day for some bad news... My vehicle suffered a major break today.

She is elderly to begin with (2006), 220k+ miles, already has some forever broken parts, bandaid fixes on the other parts. Ugh. I guess she was due for a major fail at some point but why at that moment?? *sobs quietly* I had JUST dropped the kiddos off at the babysitters and was pulling out of the driveway to go enjoy a much needed shampoo and trim (and coveted quiet time) when something broke up under her front passenger tire rendering her completely undriveable. *shakes fist at the sky* Darn you, Universe! I guess I am thankful that the Almighty Universe chose that moment for my car to fail instead of on the highway going 70 mph. *shudders at the thought* So now the ultimate question stands. Fix or upgrade? 

Am I ready to upgrade? Absolutely. Do I want a car payment? Not the least bit interested. I escaped one 2 years ago and never looked back. She IS fixable, I guess, but is it worth it? Decisions, decisions. I rather enjoy not having a car payment and $200+ car insurance. I also would rather enjoy a vehicle that isn't a rolling safety hazard, especially since it is the vehicle that transports the kids most of the time. Hmmph. I don't know, I'm not sure, and I don't feel qualified to choose the right answer. So until next time... Toodaloo.

xoxo, J.

PS - I did still go get my hair trimmed. I feel fabulous about that atleast.

Hello again, Diary. It's been years, but I am back. I've missed you. I came back under the cover of a new username as to stay anonymous and let this be the outlet I need for my thoughts that I *somehow* manage to keep inside my big mouth. For some context going forward, I am willing to tell you that I am a female in my thirties, multiple children, married. I don't have much to offer for my first entry, except to say welcome to the shit show that will be wrought with complaints, rants, venting, and tons of profanity. Toodaloo for now. 

See you soon... 

xoxo J

How has it already been this long since I've posted on here?  Time is flying lately...

Officially 26 days of school left.  This year has been great, but busy.  Definitely some stressful moments getting everything done.  I'm so ready to just ease my mind for a month during the summer.  I'm not working, which may be a blessing or a curse.  I'm going to try and start college classes for my masters this summer.  I need to take a couple of classes anyway, so I figured why not spend the summer doing school work and enjoying the lovely weather.  I think I've successful survived my first year of teaching 2nd grade.  Cheers to that!

In my previous entry I've mentioned the guy I am in a relationship with.  His name is Konner!  I figured I'd get that out there since I'll be talking about him every once in a while.  I'm slowly introducing him people that are close to me.  Last weekend we went out and I randomly saw Nick (who works at the school) and his wife.  It was not planned, but we ended up running into them and we had a great time.  It was nice to actual go out Konner and be around other people.  I usually become anxious and feel like a fool.  Nick and Melissa did reach out to me and mentioned they had a wonderful time and they really liked Konner.  Like I said before, it's been an adventure in the dating relm, so I feel like I'm being extra cautious with everything.  

During my April break I took a quick trip down to Nashville with some family.  I had a great time and it was definitely needed.  The last vacation I went on was to visit two best friends in California a couple years ago.  Nashville had beautiful weather while I was there.  We did this cute wine tasting at a horse barn.  I thought it was a bit pricey for what it was, but we had fun regardless.  We spent some time at the zoo one day as well.  My nephew was with us so we wanted to make sure we did some kid friendly things while we were down there.  There was this aquarium resturant that was really cool.  That evening the adults went out to broadway.  We went to a few different bars and had a wonderful time.  I ended my night at Jelly Roll's bar and got a tattoo!  It was crazy. 

After I got back from vacation I did not see Konner all that much due to his ex leaving for 5 days and telling him last minute.  It's so frustrating sometimes dealing with all of it.  I'm looking forward to everything being finalized with the courts.  That Saturday he wanted to go out to dinner, so I ended up meeting him down in Portsmouth.  It was a bit of a drive for me, but I don't mind driving.  I still have not met his daughter yet and it finally came up in conversation.  During dinner he told me he obviously has never had someone meet his daughter before and is unsure how to navigate evertyhing, but he wants me to be apart of his daughters life.  Honestly I was not expecting this conversation, but it made my heart sink.  I know we have feelings for each other, but it felt good knowing how much he actually does care about me.  He also told me I'm a wonderful person and wants his daughter to be around someone like me and feels like he is ready to move forward with this.  Since we've had the conversation, I haven't met her yet, but I will relatively soon.  I'm not sure if I want wait until everything is finalized (which will happen soon) and then meet her.  I find his ex manipulative and would use anything she possibly could against him.  So I'm not really sure when I'll be meeting his daughter, but we will see.  

This weekend I had the house to myself.  Marije (best friend whom I ive with) was gone in NYC at a tattoo convetion and meeting up with her cousin.  Konner ended up saying Friday evening through early Monday morning with me.  Friday after work I was trying to clean up the house a little.  We have baby chicks and I figured I would clean out the brooder so it was taken care of.  I was getting everything all set and I was carrying thing the giant tub into the garage.  I missplaced my step and I ended up falling down the two small steps that lead into the garage.  My foot/ankle folded and I felt a snap.  I freaked out and called Konner right away.  I was crying and in so much pain.  He drove to me right away and brought me to the emergency room.  We spend out Friday night together at the ER.  It was so wonderful...NOT... turns out to only be a bad sprain.  All weekend he was here with me anyway, which helped out so much.  Saturday we went out to breakfast together and did some small shopping.  I honestly have no idea how I managed to do that, but I did come home and we took a nap aftewards.  I was so tired from dealing with all the pain and everything else.  We had a wodnerful weekend regardless of my ankle/foot injury.  It was nice to spend time together 3 consecutive days.  Normally we don't get to do that.  It was definitelty needed. 

Wednesday morning I'm going to a follow up for my ankle/foot.  Even though it's a sprain, they still wanted me to go in.  As much as I don't want to, Konner said it's probably a good idea to have them look at it more closely at the orthopedics rather than the ER.  I just hate taking time off from work, especially right now.  It's more hassle than it needs to be.  Crossing my fingers they don't find anything on the x-ray that was missed by the ER.  

It seems to be picking up speed. I have been on Tumblr. I have a bunch of photos that I'm going to port here. Like this. And this. And this. And here too. My username on Tumblr is sambucawitch. :) I usually will post stuff there...

Say "heyyy" if you still post here!

Sammy

I have been getting a bit more productive by slotting smaller tasks into smaller timeslots. This means that time that wouldn't otherwise be usable for a long task still gets some usage. For example if I have 20 minutes available, it's not long enough to vacuum and mop the floor, but it is easily long enough to fold laundry. And then when I do have a longer amount of time, it can be used for vacuuming and mopping. In the past I didn't really think about this sort of thing much, I'd just get tasks done in the order I would think of them, but then I'd wind up at the end of the week with some tasks left undone.

Likewise, the same applies to my office work, although obviously I can't just slot tasks according to time taken alone - this is because some tasks are more urgent than others and have to be done right away regardless of how much or how little time they take up. Instead of using NotePad or similar software for temporary stuff, I like to use an online scratch pad no sign up required, which in addition to space for drafting sentences, it also offers a to-do list section. However, stuff there can't be saved, so if I close the window it goes away.

On a slightly different but related topic, I think the space for free time management software is fairly open. There's a ton of paid subscription type of things, but comparatively little that is free (except for the free tier/trial of a paid plan). If someone were to make an open source version that could be run on the user's main device, it would probably get quite a bit of usage.

Of course, with any type of sofware, once it has to be on multiple devices with syncing, you're getting away from freeware for the simple reason that someone has to pay for the overhead costs of storing that data online somewhere and syncing it. But on a single main device, there's no reason that there can't be open source (or at least free) time management software.

I do think that no-one can be productive literally all the time, or if they are, they are likely not happy. So it's OK to have evenings and weekends be more free-form, especially if everything else can be fitted into the week reasonably well. Inevitably there is always going to be some laundry spill-over that goes on into the weekend but that is do-able.

you know how the ask you if anything has changes and you update your phone # and address after you move, well the dermatologist refferall had my home PHone# that has been disconnected for years... and not my cell! how does that happen in this day and age?

Also The drs office refferal couldn't get me in til SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom's health aid sugguested a dr. in town who will Take cash. ($100) but ill be seen this month! April 28th in the afternoon so basically going straight from work to there. if my work shifts continue to stay the same. i can't wait to stop itching!

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