Hello Diary,

I am going to open this entry up by asking: How is it possible to look forward to something while simultaneously dreading it?

 

I am taking a girl's weekend with a few ladies this upcoming weekend to go "glamping" as they would say. Cabin in the woods, nearby lake, oodles of wine to keep a nice buzz going the entire trip. You're probably thinking "how can you dread that!? You're crazy! That sounds fun!" Well... let me spit some other very important background information. The trip itself, awesome. The ladies I'm going with? Eh....

 

Before I lept head first into our 3rd child and staying at home to care for them, I was making decent money at a really awesome job in a cozy clerical position at a really well known trucking company. I liked my job and I liked the ladies I worked with (except you Sandra, get wrecked.) I had an advantage going in, as one of the office ladies was my own mother, so that meant that I already knew these ladies and I was welcomed in with open arms. We were all friends inside work and outside work, even though all of these ladies were also old enough to be my mother. Jobs sometimes blossom the weirdest friendships. XD I bet you're now thinking "I still don't understand how you're dreading this." Just be patient, we are getting there.

 

Now, here's the part where I explain why I'm dreading this weekend. I haven't been employed at this place in over a year. Within that year, two new ladies have entered the office force. Two ladies that I do not know, that are also going to this girl's weekend. Reason #1 I am dreading it.

 

Reason #2 I am dreading it is because when these ladies gather together, all they want to gab about is, you guessed it, work. That's not really an issue, as it is natural to bond over a commonality. However, it doesn't interest me to spend the weekend listening to them yammer on about a job that I am no longer employed at. It's not as fun to hear about who is horizontal dancing with who in the utility closet when you don't know who the "who" is. 

 

Reason #3? The current administration, knowing I am on the opposite end of the political spectrum as all of these ladies, and also knowing that the one lady FEEDS off of disagreements and the dramatics. Is it 100% guaranteed that this topic will be brought up? Well, no. BUT. Do I know this one particular lady enough to know that she would bring it up in the company of her own little echo chamber, especially knowing that I am singled out? Yes. THAT is where the major source of dread comes from. This weekend is supposed to be a getaway, from work, kids, society in general. I was going to get around this by driving up myself, that way I can dippity dip if this indeed does happen. However, it's a 3 hour drive and I do not think my little creaky little jeep can make that trip without falling apart, so I reluctantly decided to ride along with my mother.

 

"So if you're so worried about it, why are you going?"  1.I was invited. By my mother. If you would know my mother, you would know that is her way of saying "I want to spend time with you" without actually having to say it. Especially since I turned down the invite the first two times I was asked but she persisted. 2. I DO actually need a weekend away. Bare bones, a weekend trip away where I do not have to drive, plan a schedule, change diapers, and where I get to unplug and spend my time fishing and enjoying nature is a hard thing to pass up. 3. As stated above, do I know any of my worries will come to fruition? No. There is a chance I might actually have fun. Who knows...

 

Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised and it will be great. Maybe I will go and end up lasting a couple hours before I am ready to throw myself into the lake. I guess we will have to wait and see.

 

Until then, have a good one and try not to set anything on fire.

xoxo, J.

 

It's funny how there's such a clear and textbook example of how our modern economy ruins neighborhoods, by taking a quick look at Wynwood.

Wynwood was originally a working class Puerto Rican neighborhood that was transformed by marginalized artists and organizers, who reclaimed the warehouses and unused spaces to create studios, galleries, and street art. This was all a part of the Wynwood Walls project in 2009, which drew international attention. But that success went on to kill Wynwood.

As all the art and soul of the neighborhood began to go viral on social media, then came all the tourists, developers, major brands, and landlords. Property values skyrocketed, and the same artists and small business owners who brought cultural relevance to the neighborhood were priced out. Landlords jacked up rents, art galleries closed, art studios became nightclubs and cocktail bars, and community spaces became high-end retail shops. Now the neighborhood is filled with luxury apartments, tech company satellite offices, craft breweries, and boutique shops that have co-opted the original image of the Wynwood project, and commercialized it.

It's amazing how artists are so good at amassing cultural capital, which is lucrative and profitable, but they rarely get to own or control the wealth their art creates. The art gets used as bait to make money for developers and capital-backed businesses. Cities and corporations love to market themselves using the aesthetic, rebellion, and edge that artists bring, but once the branding job is done, the artists are seen as liabilities. Too poor, too radical, too unstable, too hard to control.

Wynwood attracted tourism, investors, startups, and was once seen as a success, but it replaced the community artists built with consumption. And now the developers that bulldozed the culture will still use the mural-style branding or fake "creative" aesthetics to sell condos.

Nori had her birthday party yesterday.  I was super anxious about it because Konner met a decent portion of my family.  He said he had a great time.  He did not end up bringing his daughter.  I'm a little disappointed, but I'm not going to dwell on it.  Regardless we had a great time.  Nori was so cute and had a wonderful day.  The weather held up too.  It's been so rainy this spring.  It's been hard to be able to enjoy anything.  It's absolutely beautiful out today, so here I am sitting outside on the patio, soaking up the sun, and trying to enjoy my day off.  

Hello again Diary.

Currently making Mac and Cheese for myself and the littles. I am starving. as always.

This week has been a busy one so far, no doubt. We are scrambling to come up with what we need for our electric bill or we are due for shutoff. This is the third bill in our new place, and the second time we are falling behind with it. We cannot seem to keep up with the ever growing electric bill. Luckily, our wonderful community has one or two programs you can seek help from so that very well may have to be the avenue we take this month... $600 electric bill... TRASH. 

 

Just last week my golden retriever, people pleasing husband had to have a very unpleasant conversation with out gass provider as well. We needed to get to the bottom of how exactly our gas bill for ONE MONTH (heat being our only gas usage, mind you... AND we didn't even need to turn our heat on at any point last month) went from $100-$120 the first two bills to $636. You read that right. $636. Provider tried to tell our husband that they are short on technicians so the last 4 bills for our residence (we are tenants and have only been here for the last 3 bill cycles) were only estimates and our bill is so high because they FINALLY managed to get an actual reading this time and we got charged for past usage "to catch up." HELL TO THE FUCKING NO, MA'AM. YOU being short on technicians on your end and failing to come out for a reading for 4 months DOES not equate to all of that being pushed onto us at one time. Hell, we will send you a damn actual reading every month and do your job for you if you need to. But do not think in another 4 months you will try this again, because the next phone call will be wayyyyyy less fun for you if you do. With some pushback, we did get a resolution, so there's that. Never let a utility company bully you.

By the way, my friend who I am on a video chat with says to make sure you all know how awesome she is. XD

That is all for now, want to focus on my video call.

 

Ta-ta for now!

xoxo, J.

 

 

Update on the ankle... comes to find out it's still just a bad sprain.  I go back to the doctors next week to see if I need phyiscal therapy.  It's definitely gotten better since this past week again.  I still have trouble going up and down stairs.  I feel like that may result in me going to physical therapy unfortunately.  We will see what they say though! 

 

I decided to take an extra long weekend and used one of my personal days.  I'm not sure if I have anything going on, but having the extra days off will be nice.  I'll try not to work on extra things for work, but I have a feeling I'll spend at least a day trying to catch up things before the end of the school year.

 

Sunday I'll be meeting Konner's daughter.  This is a HUGE step for me and I'm so nervous.  We planned it so we are going to Nori's first birthday party.  There will be other kids there playing so I feel better about that piece.  Konner and I have anxiety in general, haha...I feel like he is going to be a nervous wreck and such.  We will figure it out!

 

At this point I feel like I'm just surviving work.  I can barely get out of bed and just find the energy to be chipper at work.  It's been a good year regardless.  Just busy!  I'm ready for school vacation, but I think I'm going to start taking some classes this summer to begin my masters.  I need a few classes for my certification anyway. 

It was a relatively good day, but it was a looooonnnngggg day. A long day of constant kids, noises, and having to be upright when I definitely didn't want to be. My energy is depleted, my brain is cooked, and my patience is worn out. My day started at 5:30am, I hit my limit with noise and people around 4pm, and it's now 9:20pm and I am just now getting a chance to sit down with some peace and quiet and shut my poor, tired brain off. I know, I know. Mom life. "You chose this, you're not allowed to complain." Shut your ass up, yes I am. You don't HAVE to listen, but I WILL complain for alittle. It's my decompression time. a chance to slough off the Monday yuckies. 

That's all for now. 

xoxo, J.

Hah, fat chance, Beth :)

I can't say it was a bad day, though. Instead of it being a quiet Sunday, it ended up being quite productive. I was able to mow the lawn, go grocery shopping, hit the gym, and do some laundry. And the moment I sat down to think for two seconds, I get a call from the maternal unit to come collect my offspring, so not much an opportunity to relax. Not that I'm complaining about it, I do feel good about having accomplished the few things I needed to.

I made some Dominican chicken thigh recipe which bombed. Accidentally burnt the skin, and it just ruined the whole sauce and made it bitter.

And we're off to a new week! I get to train a new guy this week, and hit the gym Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm working off a bit of a headache, so I hope it's not throbbing by workout time.

So i show up to work on wednesday and opening manager is glad to see me as he is working with people who speak little english. and then the new gm comes in and says tell her she leave area in disaster she's fired.  i am like what the hell! We are in a " surprise inspection window" and they brought gm's and others from around the state to our store.  They have rearranged our walkin freezer multiple times. Brought in Spanish speaking/ little English workers and acting GM for our store while our gm is out for ankle surgery.  

my job is to prep salads for lunch- and do lunch prep ( make sandwhich lettuce, slice tomatoes, Pan onions pickles and mayo) then do dishes til my shift is over.  But they have taken away my shelves that i use for Air drying.  The district manager specifically told me i couldn't just stack pans as that would cause a residue effect from our sanitise solution so everything must sit and air dry.  well when you only have prep sink space and a couple of shelves where do i put everything?

So Thursday i came in to work: Opening manager glad to see me as i was second person there and should of been 3rd person.( they cut opening from a hour to a half hour so from 6am-630 he had to open by himself. ( new Spanish SPeaking Gm requested this?!?!? it was 530am last 2weeks when he wasn't around). 

So before i started prep i helped him get bacon panned up and eggs n sausage down.  Then i did a prep inventory: how many salads and what i need to make sure we got through the day for lunch.  There wasn't any Sandwhich lettuce, or onions for lunch 2 pans of may 4 pans of tomatoes, and2 pickles.

Opening manager stated they dont want me to do prep in the mornings he was told, but he was like we dont have things i need you to do the things you normally do.

So i do that: when spanish gm and his new managers  come in i get dirty looks like why am i cutting lettuce. I explain or tried to explain we didn't have anything for lunch so i was making sure we had the things. 

Eventually our District Manger shows up: i explain to her what happened that mornign. and i said can you please get clarification for what is expected of me because i can't handle this confusion of what im supposed to be doing. she said let me find out.

So she goes talks to spanish gm and YEs i am to do prep when i get here.  

Ask DM about the schedule for Monday the 19th and she said they hadn't started it yet. 

its supposed to be posted Saturday.

And now i think my body is coming down from all the tension fuck  because i can't seem to fall asleep. 

So im going to work on my resume. and apply a few places. 

i sure as shit dont see me lasting another 2 weeks to make if working there for 4 years.... 

 

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

I guess for the sake of writing something today, here I am.

I don't have much to write about. Today was an average day. A 5-out-of-10. Middle of the road. An extra-medium T-shirt. Absolutely nothing of note happened today, either in my life, or in my head. If there was a biography written of my life, today would be completely omitted from the story.

It is Friday, and I believe I have a child-free Sunday to look forward to. That should be something!

Dearest Diary,

It's a good day for some bad news... My vehicle suffered a major break today.

She is elderly to begin with (2006), 220k+ miles, already has some forever broken parts, bandaid fixes on the other parts. Ugh. I guess she was due for a major fail at some point but why at that moment?? *sobs quietly* I had JUST dropped the kiddos off at the babysitters and was pulling out of the driveway to go enjoy a much needed shampoo and trim (and coveted quiet time) when something broke up under her front passenger tire rendering her completely undriveable. *shakes fist at the sky* Darn you, Universe! I guess I am thankful that the Almighty Universe chose that moment for my car to fail instead of on the highway going 70 mph. *shudders at the thought* So now the ultimate question stands. Fix or upgrade? 

Am I ready to upgrade? Absolutely. Do I want a car payment? Not the least bit interested. I escaped one 2 years ago and never looked back. She IS fixable, I guess, but is it worth it? Decisions, decisions. I rather enjoy not having a car payment and $200+ car insurance. I also would rather enjoy a vehicle that isn't a rolling safety hazard, especially since it is the vehicle that transports the kids most of the time. Hmmph. I don't know, I'm not sure, and I don't feel qualified to choose the right answer. So until next time... Toodaloo.

xoxo, J.

 

PS - I did still go get my hair trimmed. I feel fabulous about that atleast.

I've been dreadfully sick the past few days, apparently I caught Influenza B, and *only* got GI symptoms, which have been brutal. But after 3-4 days, I've finally been able to get a full night's sleep, no issues. I woke up like a complete mermaid, in a great mood for the first time in a couple of weeks, which is nice. I like the energy I can give to my wife and the kids. Even Gabby, who, by contrast, wakes up like a hobgoblin every morning, I was able to convince her to even out and I even got her to laugh! Laughing is an afternoon activity for her! That was nice.

Today is a great day.

I'm still not doing a great job with judgement. I'm straight up not even thinking before I do it, but I suppose part of the progress is being acutely aware that I'm doing it, so that's the first step. A few more to go.

All in all, a green smiley face on my mood calendar.

The homework my therapist gave me was to be present in situations. No positive or negative judgement on any situation, just pure logic. This is very difficult, because this goes against how I approach situations by default. "Emotion" isn't the right word, but definitely through the lens of whether something is right or wrong, smart of stupid, cool or lame, etc. I need to drop all of that, and just see the situation as... just happening. This is meant to reduce the amount of pressure I put on myself to "react" to situations emotionally, and manage my stress levels.

I had to leave work yesterday, and my remote session with her was her in her office, up and ready to work, juxtaposed with me in bed, under my covers, on camera, looking at her sideways. I actually got a kick out of how I approached that therapy session.

And I guess I have to keep journaling. Well, I don't "have" to, I did this on my own, which is nice. I do feel that I have to manually bring myself to interact with others here. I promise I'm not ignoring comments or anything like that, I just don't have the mental bandwidth to do anything other than post and disappear, but I read and appreciate everyone engaging with me and commenting. I promise I will return the favor and begin engaging with the community a little bit more when I have the mental space to do so.

Hello again, Diary. It's been years, but I am back. I've missed you. I came back under the cover of a new username as to stay anonymous and let this be the outlet I need for my thoughts that I *somehow* manage to keep inside my big mouth. For some context going forward, I am willing to tell you that I am a female in my thirties, multiple children, married. I don't have much to offer for my first entry, except to say welcome to the shit show that will be wrought with complaints, rants, venting, and tons of profanity. Toodaloo for now. 

 

See you soon... 

xoxo J

How has it already been this long since I've posted on here?  Time is flying lately...

 

Officially 26 days of school left.  This year has been great, but busy.  Definitely some stressful moments getting everything done.  I'm so ready to just ease my mind for a month during the summer.  I'm not working, which may be a blessing or a curse.  I'm going to try and start college classes for my masters this summer.  I need to take a couple of classes anyway, so I figured why not spend the summer doing school work and enjoying the lovely weather.  I think I've successful survived my first year of teaching 2nd grade.  Cheers to that!

 

In my previous entry I've mentioned the guy I am in a relationship with.  His name is Konner!  I figured I'd get that out there since I'll be talking about him every once in a while.  I'm slowly introducing him people that are close to me.  Last weekend we went out and I randomly saw Nick (who works at the school) and his wife.  It was not planned, but we ended up running into them and we had a great time.  It was nice to actual go out Konner and be around other people.  I usually become anxious and feel like a fool.  Nick and Melissa did reach out to me and mentioned they had a wonderful time and they really liked Konner.  Like I said before, it's been an adventure in the dating relm, so I feel like I'm being extra cautious with everything.  

 

During my April break I took a quick trip down to Nashville with some family.  I had a great time and it was definitely needed.  The last vacation I went on was to visit two best friends in California a couple years ago.  Nashville had beautiful weather while I was there.  We did this cute wine tasting at a horse barn.  I thought it was a bit pricey for what it was, but we had fun regardless.  We spent some time at the zoo one day as well.  My nephew was with us so we wanted to make sure we did some kid friendly things while we were down there.  There was this aquarium resturant that was really cool.  That evening the adults went out to broadway.  We went to a few different bars and had a wonderful time.  I ended my night at Jelly Roll's bar and got a tattoo!  It was crazy. 

 

After I got back from vacation I did not see Konner all that much due to his ex leaving for 5 days and telling him last minute.  It's so frustrating sometimes dealing with all of it.  I'm looking forward to everything being finalized with the courts.  That Saturday he wanted to go out to dinner, so I ended up meeting him down in Portsmouth.  It was a bit of a drive for me, but I don't mind driving.  I still have not met his daughter yet and it finally came up in conversation.  During dinner he told me he obviously has never had someone meet his daughter before and is unsure how to navigate evertyhing, but he wants me to be apart of his daughters life.  Honestly I was not expecting this conversation, but it made my heart sink.  I know we have feelings for each other, but it felt good knowing how much he actually does care about me.  He also told me I'm a wonderful person and wants his daughter to be around someone like me and feels like he is ready to move forward with this.  Since we've had the conversation, I haven't met her yet, but I will relatively soon.  I'm not sure if I want wait until everything is finalized (which will happen soon) and then meet her.  I find his ex manipulative and would use anything she possibly could against him.  So I'm not really sure when I'll be meeting his daughter, but we will see.  

 

This weekend I had the house to myself.  Marije (best friend whom I ive with) was gone in NYC at a tattoo convetion and meeting up with her cousin.  Konner ended up saying Friday evening through early Monday morning with me.  Friday after work I was trying to clean up the house a little.  We have baby chicks and I figured I would clean out the brooder so it was taken care of.  I was getting everything all set and I was carrying thing the giant tub into the garage.  I missplaced my step and I ended up falling down the two small steps that lead into the garage.  My foot/ankle folded and I felt a snap.  I freaked out and called Konner right away.  I was crying and in so much pain.  He drove to me right away and brought me to the emergency room.  We spend out Friday night together at the ER.  It was so wonderful...NOT... turns out to only be a bad sprain.  All weekend he was here with me anyway, which helped out so much.  Saturday we went out to breakfast together and did some small shopping.  I honestly have no idea how I managed to do that, but I did come home and we took a nap aftewards.  I was so tired from dealing with all the pain and everything else.  We had a wodnerful weekend regardless of my ankle/foot injury.  It was nice to spend time together 3 consecutive days.  Normally we don't get to do that.  It was definitelty needed. 

 

Wednesday morning I'm going to a follow up for my ankle/foot.  Even though it's a sprain, they still wanted me to go in.  As much as I don't want to, Konner said it's probably a good idea to have them look at it more closely at the orthopedics rather than the ER.  I just hate taking time off from work, especially right now.  It's more hassle than it needs to be.  Crossing my fingers they don't find anything on the x-ray that was missed by the ER.  

It seems to be picking up speed. I have been on Tumblr. I have a bunch of photos that I'm going to port here. Like this. And this. And this. And here too. My username on Tumblr is sambucawitch. :) I usually will post stuff there...

Say "heyyy" if you still post here!

Sammy

 

 

I keep "almost" falling into these mental pits. Not really sure what's happening, but I know that if I sit there and contemplate these pits I keep narrowly avoiding, I'll fall into, almost sort of a depression? Not sure how to categorize the feeling. I keep having to manually divert my focus and energy into work, parenting, or something else. I guess that's why I've been journaling more often, even though I guess I'm doing the kind of reflecting that might be causing me to willingly dive into the pits I've been avoiding. But maybe it's helping? I don't know.

Sometimes I just write these streams of consciousness just to see what happens. Sometimes I write them because it just feels good to type away sometimes, even if I don't have the patience to continue after a few paragraphs. I don't know what I'm getting out of this. Maybe Bloop feels like a comfort right now. A nostalgia. Sort of like going back to my old childhood neighborhood, despite nobody I know living there anymore. Mostly just strangers wondering why this grown adult is walking slowly around their homes, looking at everything. I don't know why I made the decision to come back here, because I know it's a barely-functioning shell of what it used to be, with a 10th of the activity, but... I just need a familiar entity to hold me right now. To lay down in my old bed, and just exist for a minute. Breathe in the air I used to breathe during a simpler time. Maybe I can come up with some more flowery metaphors describing the nostalgia.

Bianca said she'd been feeling the same way, and used the term "untethered." I don't know if it fits, but she seemed to identify with how I was describing the feeling, and used that word, so I guess I'll default to it for now. I don't have the energy to reflect on precise language for this. I'll just focus on work.

I guess it’s anxiety disorder? I don’t really know how to describe it, but sometimes I just “get” anxiety that’s not really brought on by much of anything. Or maybe the reasons are so subconscious that I can’t really draw them out or describe them in any way, but I very much feel the physical symptoms of it. I don’t really feel like it’s enough to start a medication though. I’m in that DMZ where I feel the need to understand and solve the problem, but also need to tough it out without masking the symptoms behind a medication. I don’t even really know what to tell my therapist. Every question is marked with an “I don’t know”

Anyway enough on that topic, the work week starts again, and I’m not really letting myself get too overwhelmed. I will work at *my pace* this week, regardless of how much work gets piled up, how much tasks get pushed to next week, or how many things break. I might make sacrifices to how I’m perceived at work this week, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. This will be a low-energy week if it’s the last thing I do.

I have a complicated relationship with spiders. I am not the kind of person who would want to kill spiders. They're closer to large animals/mammals to me than they are bugs. However, my body physically resists if I need to touch one, or get one out of my house. Maybe it's genetic or something, or I have a super distant caveman ancestor who got bit by a really gnarly spider out in the woods.

I love pictures of spiders, and learning about them, but I can't really physically be near them.

Anyway I had a dream that Gabby was playing in a play area, and I discovered a massive spider next to her, and that I would have to put my hands right in its attack zone to move her from the spider.

I woke up before I found out what I was going to do.

I've been extremely tired lately. My body just can't seem to get enough sleep. I feel like I go to sleep at reasonable enough times, and wake up at reasonable enough times, but I find myself needing to take naps during the day. I even dozed off at my desk at work.

Charlie's IEP meeting is set for tomorrow. Apparently he was just a slow starter, but he's been taking off into relative normalcy.

I guess I don't really know what else to write. What could possibly be interesting about any of this?

I am now 35 and I have two children, a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Where has the time gone? Where is it going? Am I even the same person I was even when I was 12? If every cell in my body has regenerated at some point, am I even the same person?

I miss having the motivation to keep up with a small community of people. I miss "being involved" in something. Now, I just sort of wander in the largest internet crowds possible, where people interact only with what you say in the moment, rather than interacting with who you are as a person. Where your name doesn't matter. The internet has grown so much larger, and so much more connected, but it feels more alone than ever before. I miss the times when you would post something, and people knew who you were. They remembered your name, and remembered past interactions with you.

I can't imagine that's impossible, because well here I am on Bloop Diary after a quarter of a century, but I guess it would require something resembling motivation to stick around, and motivation is hard to come by these days. It's much easier to just mindlessly scroll and consume garbage content that I'm not going to remember looking at 5 minutes later.

I guess I should go walk the dogs. There's something peaceful about being outside in the dark of night before the sun comes up.

Besides this whole journal entry is becoming pretentious and derivative of the "pondering intellectual" trope that my brain defaults to, but I can't seem to escape it. Whenever I write mindlessly, I go back and it reads like a 15 year old trying to be intelligent. I guess I'm still that same kid from all those years ago.

I have been getting a bit more productive by slotting smaller tasks into smaller timeslots. This means that time that wouldn't otherwise be usable for a long task still gets some usage. For example if I have 20 minutes available, it's not long enough to vacuum and mop the floor, but it is easily long enough to fold laundry. And then when I do have a longer amount of time, it can be used for vacuuming and mopping. In the past I didn't really think about this sort of thing much, I'd just get tasks done in the order I would think of them, but then I'd wind up at the end of the week with some tasks left undone.

Likewise, the same applies to my office work, although obviously I can't just slot tasks according to time taken alone - this is because some tasks are more urgent than others and have to be done right away regardless of how much or how little time they take up. Instead of using NotePad or similar software for temporary stuff, I like to use an online scratch pad no sign up required, which in addition to space for drafting sentences, it also offers a to-do list section. However, stuff there can't be saved, so if I close the window it goes away.

On a slightly different but related topic, I think the space for free time management software is fairly open. There's a ton of paid subscription type of things, but comparatively little that is free (except for the free tier/trial of a paid plan). If someone were to make an open source version that could be run on the user's main device, it would probably get quite a bit of usage.

Of course, with any type of sofware, once it has to be on multiple devices with syncing, you're getting away from freeware for the simple reason that someone has to pay for the overhead costs of storing that data online somewhere and syncing it. But on a single main device, there's no reason that there can't be open source (or at least free) time management software.

I do think that no-one can be productive literally all the time, or if they are, they are likely not happy. So it's OK to have evenings and weekends be more free-form, especially if everything else can be fitted into the week reasonably well. Inevitably there is always going to be some laundry spill-over that goes on into the weekend but that is do-able.

you know how the ask you if anything has changes and you update your phone # and address after you move, well the dermatologist refferall had my home PHone# that has been disconnected for years... and not my cell! how does that happen in this day and age?

Also The drs office refferal couldn't get me in til SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom's health aid sugguested a dr. in town who will Take cash. ($100) but ill be seen this month! April 28th in the afternoon so basically going straight from work to there. if my work shifts continue to stay the same. i can't wait to stop itching!

 

 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

So i get temp medicaid insurance as they haven't finished processing my applicaiton .... which well works out for me because i was able to go to my dr. He was appalled at the urgent care i went to.  He ordered blood work to make sure it wasn't diabetes or any other underylying health concern. Most of my blood work results were good! Glucose was 87! so thats a surprise with my weight...  the blood work found a iron defiency but no real cause for this itchy rash that started last september which i intially thought was bug bites... but its now moved up my right arm across and down my back and im just tired of itching everwhere.  blood pressure was high... but between stress and being uncomforable? still dont understand the tests? and which one shows the iron defenicy...?

LIPID PROFILE with calculated LDL Laboratory:    28-Mar-2025 10:26-05:00 Patient Fasting? No {_}     CHOLESTEROL 194 mg/dL Range: 0-199
Comments: CHOL Interp. (mg/dl):
Optimal: <200
Borderline High: 200-239
High: >239
-----   TRIGLYCERIDES 108 mg/dL Range: 0-149
Comments: TGL Interp. (mg/dl):
Optimal: <150
Borderline High: 150-199
High: 200-499
Very High: >499
-----   HDL 44.0 mg/mL Range: 40.0-100.0
Comments: HDL Interp. (mg/dl):
Low: <40
Optimal: >60
-----   LDL, CALCULATED 128.4 mg/dL Range: 0.0-130.0
Comments: LDL-C Interp. (mg/dl):
Optimal: <100
Near or above optimal: 100-129
Borderline High: 130-159
High: 160-189
Very high: >189
Please note revised interpretive criteria based on NCEP ATP III classification, effective Feb 20, 2008.
-----   CHOL/HDL 4.4 {_}     LDL cal. / HDL ratio 2.9 {_}     VLDL 21.6 mg/dL Range: 10.0-50.0 AUTOMATED DIFFERENTIAL Laboratory:    28-Mar-2025 10:26-05:00 NEU% 61.0 %     LYM% 24.5 %     MONO% 7.6 %     EOS% 5.8 %     BASO% 0.5 %     IMM. GRAN % 0.6 %     NRBC % 0.0 {_} Range: 0.0-0.0   ABS NEU 5.03 {x10^3/mcL} Range: 1.40-7.30   ABS LYM 2.02 {x10^3/mcL} Range: 1.30-2.90   ABS MONO 0.63 {x10^3/mcL} Range: 0.10-0.80   ABS EOS 0.48 {x10^3/mcL} (above high threshold) Range: 0.00-0.30   ABS BASO 0.04 {x10^3/mcL} Range: 0.00-0.10   ABS IMMATURE GRANULOCYTES 0.05 {x10^3/mcL} Range: 0.00-0.10   NUCLEATED RBC 0.00 {_} Range: 0.00-0.00 CBC WITH DIFFERENTIAL Laboratory:    28-Mar-2025 10:26-05:00 WBC 8.2 {x10^3/mcL} Range: 3.9-11.0   RBC 4.97 {x10^6/mcL} Range: 3.90-5.10   HEMOGLOBIN (HGB) 10.5 {gm/dl} (below low threshold) Range: 11.7-15.5   HEMATOCRIT (HCT) 37.4 % Range: 34.9-46.9   MCV 75.3 fL (below low threshold) Range: 80.0-100.0   MCH 21.1 pg (below low threshold) Range: 26.5-33.9   MCHC 28.1 % (below low threshold) Range: 31.5-36.0   RDW-CV 17.0 % (above high threshold) Range: 11.8-15.5   PLT 475 {x10^3/mcL} (above high threshold) Range: 140-445   MPV 9.3 fL (below low threshold) Range: 9.7-12.4 COMP MET PANEL; CMP Laboratory:    28-Mar-2025 10:26-05:00 SODIUM 140 mmol/L Range: 133-145   POTASSIUM 4.5 mmol/L Range: 3.5-5.1   CHLORIDE 103 mmol/L Range: 96-108   CO2 30 mmol/L Range: 21-32   BUN 11 mg/dL Range: 7-25   CREATININE 0.7 mG/dL Range: 0.4-1.1   GLUCOSE 87 mg/dL Range: 70-105   CALCIUM 9.2 mg/dL Range: 8.4-10.2   TOTAL PROTEIN 7.2 {G/DL} Range: 6.2-8.4   ALBUMIN 4.0 {gm/dl} Range: 3.5-5.0   TOTAL BILIRUBIN 0.5 mg/dL Range: 0.0-1.0   AST/SGOT 14 u/L Range: 0-37   ALP 86 u/L Range: 39-117   ALT/SGPT 17 u/L Range: 12-45
Comments: Venipuncture should occur prior to sulfasalazine and/or sulfapyridine administration due to the potential for falsely depressed results.
-----   ANION GAP 11.5 mmol/L Range: 10.0-20.0   BUN/CREATININE RATIO 16 {_} Range: 14-22 eGFR Laboratory:   28-Mar-2025 10:26-05:00 eGFR 111 2 Comments: This eGFR is calculated using the 2021 CKD-EPI Creatinine equation without race modifier.
In most healthy people, the normal GFR is 90 mL/min/1.73 m2 or higher.
A result of 60 - 89 mL/min/1.73 m2 without kidney damage may be normal in some people (such as the elderly, infants).
A result of 60 - 89 mL/min/1.73 m2 for three months or more, along with kidney damage (such as persistent protein in the urine), means the person has early kidney disease.
When GFR is <60 for three months or more, chronic kidney disease(CKD) is present.
----- SED RATE l   28-Mar-2025 10:26-05:00 SED RATE 17.0 {_} (above h     igh threshold) Range: 0.0-15.0 TSH Laboratory:    28-Mar-2025 10:26-05:00 TSH 2.423 {uIU/ML} Range: 0.358-3.740 VITAMIN D, 25-HYDROXY, TOTAL Laboratory:    28-Mar-2025 10:26-05:00 VITAMIN D 25-HYDROXY 9.0 ng/mL Comments: Adult 21 years and up
Deficiency <20 ng/ml
Insufficient 20 - <30 ng/ml
Sufficiency 30 - 100 ng/ml
Pediatric reference range 12 mos - 21 years
Deficiency <15 ng/ml
Insufficient 15 - <20 ng/ml
Sufficiency 20 - 100 ng/ml
-----

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Vital Signs 28-Mar-2025 09:53-05:00       Systolic 178 mm[Hg]     Diastolic 96 mm[Hg]

So next steps is a dermatologist.. i dont have one and they are suppossed to get me a refferal. I am to take a iron pill twice a day and repeat lab work in a month.

 

 

 

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Hi everyone,

A few things! It seems the ticket system is being wonky. Two people said they tried to send a ticket in but it failed. I am testing it now and will get with Mark and Steve to see what is going on but if you need something and the ticket system isn't working, I welcome you to please come over to my personal diary and leave me a message.

My personal diary is: Greta Garbage

 

After all the low crap I wanted to get off my chest, I feel like I should talk about something positive in my life.  After a few years of dealing with the chaos of my ex husband and the waste of space of a man I thought was going to mean something to me... I took a little time away from dating.  I needed to just be by myself.  It felt great and liberating.  I focused on myself.  

 

After a while my younger sisters were on my case about meeting someone again.  Honestly, I was not opposed of the idea.  The online dating scene is such a crap shoot.  Just finding someone to have a normal conversation is challenge in this world.  I did the whole Bumble and Hinge site.  I was having no luck after speaking with a few men (if you want to call them that).  This guy liked my paged on Hinge and it took me about 2-3 days before I deicded to match with him.  I kept looking at his profile and just thinking to myself, he is not usually what I go for, but he seems cute and he has a daughter.  His daughter's face was blacked out in his pictures, which I liked.  I told myself this was the last chance and if this did not work out, I was going to take another break from the dating scene for a while.  

 

We started talking the morning after we matched together.  I was sitting at the hospital with my mother.  I took the day off from work because she was having knee surgery.  We chatted a little and then we just kept messaging each other every day.  It was a nice converation and it was nothing nasty like a lot of the guys who messaged me would do.  I was over it.  Conversations kept happening and we finally met up.  I was extremely nervous.  We had a wodnerful time on our first date.  We were talking for a couple of week before meeting up, which was nice.  We met up a couple more times and continued to talk every single day.  We finally had the conversation about being exclusive even though we techinally were.  We were up front with each other about not seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else through the apps and what not.  

 

Things are still going strong between us.  He is the sweetest man I think I've ever had in my life.  I have not met his daughter yet, but I am okay with that.  I told him obviously I would love to meet her eventually, but I want it to be on his terms and when he is comfortable with that.  He sends me pictures and videos of her.  Whenever we go out we usually end up shopping and picking out clothes for her or just little things here and there.  One night I decided to make sensory rainbow rice for my kids at work and we made some for her too.  Introducing another person to a child is huge ordeal in my eyes and I feel like there are people out there that rush it.  I don't want it to be rushed for him or for me.  

 

I'm glad I decided to take a chance on this man.  My heart is happy and full.

 

 

 

I'm not sure where to even begin...

 

It's crazy to think I used to come year 10+ years ago and then I disspeared for a long time.  I was sitting in bed tonight and I thought.. I wonder if Bloop is still around.  Here I am, making a new diary and starting over.  It's not always a bad thing.  I feel like I'm in a point in my life where I need to write things down again.  There have been major events in my life that I do not know if I can fully process without letting everything out.  I've kept things locked up inside for years and I can't fully function anymore.  I am sick and tired of feeling like I am in survial mode...barely suriving that is!  A few years ago my now ex husand ending up seperating.  This has been a huge change in my life.  It still pains me a little knowing I was with him for 15 years and by the end of it, I realized I meant so little to a man who I deeply loved and cherrished.  I spent 5 years before sepearating trying to wrap my head around our life together.  People grow apart and I think that was ultimatley the case for us.  We were together so young and essentially grew up from young adult to mid adult age.  When the seperating started I simply state I want to feel like a priority to you and I haven't felt that in 5 years.  I was tired of always coming in second or competing with people.  The moment he said, "I don't think I will ever chose you over certain people" sealed the deal for me.  I was not stating I don't want you to see your family anymore or friends.  I was never that type of person with him...but when our marriage and life together came after his family 99% of the time.. it put a huge toll on what I needed and how I felt like my family was always last for things.  Near the end of it, I barely wanted to see his family.  I felt so much resentment towards them because our marriage was falling apart and our house was falling apart and he didn't care.  I hate to say it, but the best months in our marriage was his family being in England.  I felt like he was forced to put some thought in us and what was happening around us.  Honestly I stopped caring about our marriage after the last time I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and how I wanted to take myself off a certain mediciation.  Obviously the conversation did not go well and blamed me for being depressed and how he was not going to support me in wanting to take myself off medication now that I had a better handle on coping with my depression and knowing what my mind and body needed.  The part that still kills me is having dreams about him not doing well and needing me.  We have no communication and I don't plan ever trying to communicate with him.. Last month I spoke with my best friend and said I am actually worried about him due to the reoccuring dreams I've had about him.  If he ever reached out and said he was not okay, I would be there for him.  Yes I care about him.. Do I love him?  No... I don't have those same feelings for him and I don't think I ever can.  Does this make me a bad person?  What are the dreams trying to tell me...?  I'm trying not to hyper focus on this.

 

A year after my ex husand and I divorced, I started talking to this guy.  He was from Colorado and obviously I'm from Maine.  I really thought this was my person.  I went to go visit him.  He ended up visiting me.  The orginal plan was for me to move to Colorado because I wanted a fresh start.  I felt like I needed a whole new look on life and start a new life with this man I feel in love with.  We were completed invested in each other.  It was not in an unhealthy way, but we were in love.  Long story short...I never moved to Colorado.  I was so close to going.  I even had a job lined up out there.  Some things happened at home for me and I just could not move anymore.  I needed to stay in Maine and he was willing to move here instead.  I fly out to Colorado and we drove back together with all his belongings.  After a year of being together and seeing each other off and on, which was not easy due to our long distance relationship, I felt like everything was coming together for us.  We stayed with my mom for a month while we searched for an apartment.  We were lucky enough to find one in this economy and one that would allow a dog.  It was small, but perfect.  It was my first place without having the assistance from my ex husband and I was really proud of myself.  I was doing it on my own and I proved to myself I did not need my ex husband to live.  Shit started hitting the fan after two months of being together in Maine.  The jealousy started.. I could not hang out with my friends once in a while because then he would be by himself.  I'd even invite him and he would refuse to go or say he did not want to go.  I was trying to be understanding because he moved to a state where he knew noone.  I can't imagine feeling that way.. It just kept getting worse and worse.  Everyay I felt like I was walking on egg shells with this man.  I did not unerstand why he was being so sour towards me because I always made sure he had everything he needed when he first came to Maine.  I wanted him to feel comfortable and made sure I was doing my part as a girlfriend.  He did find a job within a couple days of moving here and I was realy happy for him.  I felt like the sooner he found a job the better so he could meet people and to stay busy plus we just moved into an apartment together.  We had bills to pay.  Few more months went by and I found out he was talking to his ex from Colorado and I saw he was messaging her about how she was the best sex he ever had and they would be together if they met each other at different points in their lives.  I was hurt.  SO HURT.  I was doing everything I possibly could for this man and give him a decent life here and he was okay with doing that?  More stuff happened... he ended up quitting his job and refusing to get another job.  I essenetially was paying for everything at this point and was so bogged down..  My heart was hurting... eventually I had a conversation with him and I said I thought it was best he go back to Colorado because of all these reasons I had and I couldn't handle it emotionally.  The mind games would get worse every day. 

 

I stayed at the apartment when he left.  It was rough, but I managed to still pay everything myself.  I ended up getting a second job on top of my full time teaching career to make ends meet.  I don't know how I managed everything, but I did it.  I think staying so busy helped me just slowly get over him.  Now this opens up the other issue I have noticed.  I don't know how to cope with traumatic situations.  I keep myself busy so often so I don't have to think about it and just hope those feelings go away.  I want to be better about it.  I don't want to bottle it up so tight it goes away, but then react a certain way in situations and not know why I am reacting that way.  This is my first step.  Just putting down my jumbled thoughts and hopefully I can talk about the positives in my life.  I dont want this to all be negative..but it may have to be some a little while. 

It is official....the dust motes I was dancing on have sprung wings and flew away at the speed of light.  They wanted nothing to do with my crazy butt and brain.  They are afraid of what I will demand of them, I guess.  Haha.

 

For the past 1-2 weeks, I have been burning the candle at both ends.  I have been working on the genealogy on my mother's side of the family.  I can easily fill up a 6 inch binder with only her paternal side.  No joke.  I am hoping her maternal side is much nicer to me.  I am partially ready to start a section of that.  It is the easier and shorter section.  Haha.  I am waiting on binders to finish putting them together, but I have it started.  I am NOT tackling the longer section until I finish up processing the stuff I have printed so far.  That longer section goes back to the 1500's or so on some branches....past the Mayflower.  

My mother's parents both have an ancestor who came over on the Mayflower.  I think that is pretty cool.  I have uncovered some very interesting things in my research.  I wish my grandma was still alive so I can share a few specific insights with her.  I found her uncle...who, for all purposes, had disappeared years ago.  Her own dad wondered where his older brother had disappeared.  It was a question in the family since the late 1800's.  I also found out that her grandmother, who immigrated from Sweden by herself in the late 1800's, had a brother over here in America.  I am still working on that mystery because I have few clues to go on.  Does anyone here know how family name their children in swedish culture?  I know that different cultures do surnames in different ways.  I only have the surname given to me of the known immigrant.  

When I have not been a research and printing fool, I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off at my other job.  It is currently Spring Break at my teaching job/volunteer job.  That begins Monday.  I will not have a break between everything.  Haha.

Well, I am going to head home.  I have to be at work early in the morning.  Happy early St. Patrick's Day to everyone!  I will be living up the leprechaun life tomorrow....!  ;)

Your friendly neighborhood leprechaun--Robyn

i;ve tried to contact bloop support about resetting my password so i can access bloop on a different computer and it times out and i tried when logged into this computer and nothing either. is there no bloop support anymore?

Username is Webby

Email on account is 

Request to change password get email is sent and then no email appears in my spam or inbox folder from bloop. so i can only access my bloop on a computer with the login info saved and no way to change it. because im not getting the change password email!?

 

 How do i get my password reset?

hel;p

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

FLASHBACK: The last time I ran out of my meds was because they forced me, in Michigan and I was stuck at that house, and the only thing that helped was alcohol, whiskey to be exact, and I had to hide the amount I was drinking just to be okay to calm down. I was held hostage like stolkholm syndrome really because every day i was with her driving past the hospital and yet i didnt have my medicine so didnt have ANY guts without it and i didnt just jump out and get my ass into the hospital and get them to give me my meds. every day i smiled back at her when i really wanted to smash her and all their faces in cept for the kids of course. and they used them againt me cuz those 2 little girls loved me and would come and both be in my lap when the mother went ape shit which was always and screamed and hollered and id rock them abck and forth, hiding my own trauma that was happening, hiding the whiskey in the closet, begging God to forgive me for going there in the first place. they wouldnt take me back to her moms, they took me to the middle of nowhere and said they werent keepoing me which was technically true but it was miles and miles and miles in middle of nowhere, after promising me they wouldnt keep me againt my will and woudl take me back if i wanted to go back. but when i asked to go back, nope. so i went out to work with her every day she was a door dash person and every day i should have jumped outta the car but i was in full time withdrawal from the lyrica. oh my god.

I have spoken privately to some people about all of this but havent really said anything publicly till now. Earlier this year I was psychologically manipulated and tortured and I finally see it. Telling someone God said to do such and such but making the person believe its their choice, telling them HEY YOU HAVE FREE WILL BUT IF YOU DONT DO THIS THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE WRATH OF GOD AND THE CONSEQUENCES FROM HIM. I lived for MONTHS under this kinda programming and had no medication and no outside contact that could actually help me. I was stuck ina place I could not get away from and tho was not technically held hostage its the same damn thing. Constant pressure to follow the ' Lord ' and God help ya if you dont do what He says. Wrath and anger and brimstone is NOT THE GOD I KNOW. Nor would I want to. Stockholm syndrome kicked in at one point because I was taken ina vehicle every day ina city but without my one medication I was a scared little mouse and unable to think clearly or make decisions AT ALL. The day I was told I would not be taken to the hospital because ' THE LORD ' didnt say to, was the last straw, I knew Ihad to get help. And I did. And the two people who came and rescued me will probably read this and I wont name drop but I have tears in my eyes as I say thanks. I think I would have died in that house if you had not come. And these people say all kindsa things about me, but two wrongs dont make a right and I seriously am grateful to not be there today. Thank you God.

 

Holy cow!  It has been since May of 2023 since I have posted.  Honestly, so much has happened in life since then.  Some good and some....not so good.  I guess that is life.

 

So, in case you need an update, I am in my 5th year of teaching art.  I have 2 more months to teach until summer break.  I still enjoy it.  Update done there.  Haha.

 

The past 2 months, I have been working (aka: getting paid VS. volunteering) at the local art gallery at which I usually volunteer.  They have a program for area school kids in 3rd grade to come in and experience art.  They look at art, talk about art, and make art of some kind.   This year, they got to look at art by Ardith Goodwin.  She wrote a fantasy type book for kids around the made up world of Ardithian.   She also created all the artwork for the book.  Her artwork is very colorful and imaginative.  The kids also got to join in on the "mystery room".  They made their own vimispheres which then became the sunset around the made up world of Spivithia in a gallery all their own.  They had a great time seeing that come to life.  Heck, I enjoyed seeing it all come to life.  They also wrote their own Zine story about "A Day in the Art Gallery".  I lloved hearing some of their fun stories. 

 

We have had WAY too much snow.  I may be exaggerating, but I was tempted to build a series of Inuksuk figures in the tundra of my yard.  It has been bitterly cold.  I am not a winter person or a cold weather person.  Snow and Ice are dirty words to me.  You get an immediate reaction to both of those words and it is not positive.  Haha.  On the up side, I did get an official snow day for the first time since college....several times.  I have been working my ass of these past few months so it was nice.  For those who do not know, I usually only work 2 jobs and volunteer once a week.   I have literally been working 4 jobs these past 2 months.  Yike-a-roonies!  I know I am crazy.  You do not have to tell me. 

 

I think part of the reason I have kept crazy busy is because I am still grieving for my grandmother.  She died in August.  She is one of "Rocks of Gibraltar" who raised me.  Now, both of my grandparents are gone on my mother's side.  I feel so lost without them.  I had them in my life for 42 years of my life so it is weird with them not being there to call.  With the exception of the past 2-3 months, I have been busy putting together a printed version of my maternal line of genealogy.  I started that in August, at the request of my aunts/uncle.  It was extremely hard to deal with in the beginning because I was triggered by so may things regarding my grandparents.  It wasn't only my grandparents who triggered me.  I also lost 2 other family members.  My cousin, Emma, died in August of 2023.  A year to the date of her death, my brother in law, Brad, passed away from cancer.  

My sister has been a complete and utter pill to swallow for the past 5 years....for many reasons (and to many people).  I love her but that is the stark truth.  Yes, she can be a pill on a good day (we all can be) but she has not been herself for too long now.  I worry about her.  I miss my sister....she needs to come back to the family. 

 

My niece, Hailey, is expecting her first child this summer.  I am so excited for her and wish the best for the both of them.  Let's just say that I am over the moon that the baby daddy is not in the picture anymore.  I will leave it at that.....haha.  She is expecting a little boy.  He will be my great nephew.  Sadly, haha, I am a great aunt several times over.  This is the first time on my maternal side however.  

 

Well, I think my brain has lost all its words for a moment.  It did only get 6.5 hours of sleep and I have worked all day long.  Then, I went to a teacher's meeting and ran errands.  The day is not done.  My brother is about to get a belated birthday call.  His birthday was yesterday, but I have plans for him today....buahahahaha....

 

I will shut up and dance way on the dust motes that are my thoughts.....--Your friendly neighborhood ballerina, Robyn