I feel I should apologise to my Bloopdiary. I only come and write in her when life is being difficult.
Well, I'm still alive, and throwing myself into NaNoWriMo most thoroughly. Things have been hard. I've spent a fairly significant period of time feeling like I'm losing my mind altogether. I did, however, manage to get myself back on the Sertraline, and on Monday I have another appointment with the psychiatrist. I'm not hugely looking forward to it, but that's life.
Yesterday one of my friends told me my behaviour had been making him uncomfortable.
Apparently I lean towards him (and a few others, but he was speaking for himself) too often, and I mean metaphorically lean, not literally. He's the person (or they are the people) I'm most likely to roleplay with in games, or talk to on the street. Basically, he feels like I've put him on a pedestal, and I'm treating him as though he's, in his words, a saint.
From my point of view, I know that considering my friends to be better than me is a problem I have dealt with for quite a large amount of time. I do hero-worship people. I do tend to turn to them. But the fact that my behaviour has become so noticeable in this that it's made him uncomfortable just basically makes me feel like someone's torn my guts out.
I cried. I feel a little like the floor beneath me suddenly got a lot thinner. I'm backing off, setting myself rules so that I stop doing it - things like not being the one to initiate contact of any kind, and changing my characters in games so they won't want to interact with his characters. It just... it's hard to find a middle ground. It's hard to do anything, think anything, say anything without second guessing myself.
I love my friends. I love them so much. Yet again, I've put myself in a position where the people I care about so fiercely not only care about me less, but are disturbed by this. And I know, when problems start, I'm not good at the backing off thing. If someone's feeling distant I can't just let them get on with it, I try to talk to them more, I try to bridge connections and stuff. And in this case, that clearly hasn't helped and has led to the problem.
He emphasised that he doesn't want us to stop being friends. I vascilate wildly between believing this and trying to be positive and learn from this to being absolutely convinced he and the others hate me and wanting to pull myself off and disappear.
I'm building barriers, and blocks, and trying to not feel so stupidly, horribly lonely.
Worst part is I have no one to blame but myself. Shit, even writing this out has made my eyes start to water. I hate fucking up. I hate it so much.
John will be back around this Christmas.
Sometimes I think I might try and talk to him.