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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: Last

next entry: 9 Times

What's the reason, God?


It is a damn shame that I won't allow comments on my entries anymore. I don't need people being negative. If you have nothing nice/positive to say, shut your damn mouth. This is my diary. I come here to write to get things off my chest. I know that I am a fucking idiot. I don't need people pointing it out to me.

I miss Mark. So fucking much. And I know that I SHOULD NOT blame myself, but I do.

I know that Mark is an asshole. A fucking liar. A cheater. A piece of shit. But I know there are things I shouldn't have said or demanded from him. How many times did I hear the same excuses from him? Many. But how many times did he hear me say I wouldn't keep him on a leash, I wouldn't get clingy, I wouldn't demand things from him. Many. I am no fucking better.

When Mark and I talked on the phone back in June, had our first REAL serious conversation about shit, he said that maybe he should leave me alone. I told him I didn't want that. I said I still wanted to keep talking, that I didn't want to say goodbye to him for good. But I told him to not disappear on me again. I said if there is one thing you do, it's don't disappear. He agreed to it. And I told him I deserved better than that. And he agreed with that, too.

Why didn't I let him leave me alone? Why didn't I tell him to get his shit figured out and then get back in touch? At that point I was in too fucking deep. Every time he comes back in my life I always say it's just for fun. But it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and I get hurt every single fucking time. I even told him this.

What did I do to push him to the point where he couldn't give me the common decency of being an adult and ending things the right way?

I have a very hard time not comparing this situation with Tom's. Because he up and left me, too. I guess I got too clingy for him. But Tom also started feeding me a bunch of excuses and he kept distancing himself. When people do that how do you not question things? How do you not get clingy at that point?

I wish I hadn't tried harder. I even told Mark that. We had a conversation on Friday and I told him that it should be 50/50. I said that he got back in touch with me, and that I was trying harder. I told him it felt like 90/10 at that point. I said it should really be me trying 25 and him trying 75. And he agreed that he needed to try harder. For 30 minutes he let me rant and rant and rant. He kept agreeing and saying he understood. Every single time I vented he said he understood. Never once did he raise his voice at me. Never once did he demand anything from me.

All the time I explained that the 3 hour time difference sucked. Sometimes when he txted me it was already the afternoon. I already had breakfast and lunch and my workday was almost over. I explained that sometimes I was going to bed when he was just getting home from work. He even agreed that it sucked. I kept trying to explain that it just made things that much harder. I kept saying that the only form of communication we had was in our fucking hands, our damn phones. I told him that we don't see each other in the morning or after work. All we had was our fucking phones.

What would've happened had I truly played hard to get? If he txted me in the evening and I didn't respond until the next morning. Or if he txted me in the morning and I waited until the evening. How much harder would he have tried? But I WANTED to talk to him. I kept explaining that to him. He chose to go hours without talking to me. He chose to stop talking to me after 7 or 8 and I questioned it all the time. What were you doing between then and when you went to bed? Did you not once look at your phone? Did you not once want to talk to me? I even questioned that during the day. I said, most people look at their phone when they wake up, why do you not txt me until sometimes in the afternoon? Why don't you talk to me during a break, or when you stop to go to the bathroom, or sitting in traffic? I said if we both chose not talk to each other, we would never talk. I said we can't do that. Just on Friday I explained that he never txts me when he first wakes up. On Saturday he did.

Every time I pointed something out to him, he said he understood, and did what I asked him to do. And then a few days later we were back to the same old shit. I even pointed THAT out to him! He realized everything after it happened and after I pointed it out.

Many, many, many times I demanded that he call me. And he did. Every single fucking time. But I told him that I was sick of telling him to call me. I told him I wanted him to call me, like he did when he first started talking to me again. A few weeks ago I was so frustrated with him because I hadn't heard from him in the evening, so I sent him a txt that he better call me as soon as he woke up. And he did. He was confused why I was frustrated, and I pointed it out that it's because I never heard from him again after a certain time. Again, I told him the time difference sucked. I said I was eating lunch when he was just eating breakfast. He said he hadn't ate yet and I said, that's right, I made you call me first. And he said, yes, I do everything you tell me to. And he really did.

But I also had to keep pointing out that he was making choices... Like choosing not to talk to me. I told him that during the evening he was choosing not to talk to me. That he was letting his wife take his phone and choosing not to talk to me. He said he was doing it because it was just easier and he didn't want to deal with things. That's when I told him to get a new phone number. I said either use it to talk to everyone but her, or use it to talk only to me. And he kept saying he needed to get a new phone.

The first time his wife took his phone, he warned me. He said, my wife is taking my phone, please don't message me. So, I didn't. When he txted me the next day I made him call me, so I knew it was him. Never again did he warn me. I never knew his wife had his phone until the next day, when I gave him shit or demanded he talk to me. Why was it such a big deal that first time? A part of me would always think, what did I send him that she could possibly read? But I didn't care, because it wasn't my problem, right?

On Saturday afternoon he called me. He said he had tried calling earlier and it said it couldn't complete the call as dialed. Well, he's Tmobile and I'm Verizon, and I've heard this message before when trying to call clients at work, so I believed him. He said he tried calling me because he wanted to cum for me. He told me he'd txt me his dream and I asked if he'd cum for me later and he said probably. But I never heard from him again all night. So on Sunday I was royally pissed off. And I demanded he call me when he woke up. But I never heard from him until 3PM.

I was so pissed off that I let it ring a few times and ignored it, sending him to voicemail. He left me a voicemail stating he left his phone at a store (AGAIN) and would call me back. So I tried calling him 3 times and he didn't answer. I sent him a txt. He sent me a txt saying he never got my missed calls and he tried calling me again and got that same message. He said he needed to get his phone looked at and would try to do it that day. He said he realized it was missing when he went to txt me the night before. He said he missed me.

And after that I never heard back from him again. Yes, I was still frustrated, and I told him to go get a new phone at Verizon. I told him not to try, to fucking do it. Is that what pissed him off? One more demand from me? Or was it the txt I sent a few hours later, saying that even if he was having issues, he didn't try calling me back and that I was the last thing he ever thought about?

All I know... is what would've happened had I answered the phone? Why did I send him to my voicemail? I mean, I know why I did it, but WHY did I do it?

So... another fucking regret. I regret not meeting him in San Diego 14 years ago. I regret not answering the fucking phone. What if?

When we talked on Friday, I wasn't very nice. I asked him if they had talked about divorce recently and he said they had, but nothing since then. I told him that if he wants to stay married for the next 40 years and not be happy, then he should do it. I told him he was fucking stupid to stay married. I told him it was a damn shame if he didn't get a divorce. I said, do you hear yourself? You're annoyed you have to run errands. You have to DEAL with Amanda. I said, do you want to have to do that the rest of your life? And he agreed with everything I said.

I also told him to put himself in my shoes. I said, how would you feel if I stopped txting you when I was done with work? I said I get done at 4, which is 1 your time, and I said, how would you like that? I also said, how would you like it if I got a hold of you again, said I was thinking about divorce and then I wasn't. How would you like it if I called all the time and came for you and then I stopped? And then you don't hear from me, or I talk to you the next day and say my husband had my phone. And he said he would feel the same way I did.

He heard me cry so many times. Did it kill him to hear me crying, knowing he was the reason? I told him he's heard me cry so many times, but never once heard me have an orgasm. I told him he's apologized more times than he's cum for me. I told him we had to break the cycle.

I warmed him many many times that I am unlucky. When we first started talking he was getting done with work at 5. He wanted a divorce. As the weeks went by, he had second thoughts and work got more and more demanding. I said if you hadn't come back, you would've been going through the divorce process and getting done with work on time. I told him the universe was against us. I told him this on Saturday, when his call couldn't be completed. I jinx every fucking thing in my fucking life.

A part of me is hoping he is thinking about everything I said. I hope he backed off because of how he was treating me and he knew he was hurting me, and not because of something I did. I want to have hope that I will hear from him soon. I want to hear from him so bad. Do I want him to contact me from his current number, or do I hope he contacts me from a new number, which means he finally did what I told him he should do? Do I hope that if he contacts me again it's to tell me he finally got a divorce?

At this point do I fucking care? No. I just want him to talk to me.

Is he thinking about me every day? Does he look at his phone, hoping I sent him a message or has a missed call? Does he reach for his phone and want to txt me, but is able to resist? Does he hear all the shit I told him? Get a divorce. Be happy. Don't settle.

As far as masturbating goes... Who knows when I'll do that again. I've thought about Mark the last 15 years. Now what do I do? He hurt me, so why should I think about him to get me off? I know I will again some day, because I've always gone back to thinking about him. But it will be awhile, I know that.

At this point I'm hardly crying anymore. Eventually you become numb. To everything. I go to work and go through the motions. I talk to people, but I'm not really listening. I can't remember the last time I laughed. My phone is back to being on silent all the time. I could care less who calls or txts me. If it's not Mark, I don't fucking care. I leave it on the counter, I try not to check to see if I have any txts or missed calls. I've stopped taking it to work, so I don't check it all the time.

My phone still has every single txt we sent back and forth. I'm guessing about 2500 in the last 43 days. If you go back to the beginning, Mark was talking to me all the time. Txts in the morning, txts late at night. If I didn't respond right away, there was another txt. And as the weeks went by it shifted. I was txting him all the time. If he didn't respond I was sending another.

It's only been 2 days since we've talked, but I know that will turn into 3. 3 days will turn into a week, which will turn into a month. And eventually that will turn into months and then a year. I don't want it to. I don't want it to turn into a week or a month or a year.

I will be 35 soon and I'm still not married. I still don't have kids. How do I put myself out there with a broken heart? How do I not compare every guy to Tom or Mark? How do I trust anyone? How do I let anyone get behind these walls?

I truly thought things were different this time, and I know that is the stupidest thing to think. Everyone things that right? Like, he hit me before, but this time it's different, this time he won't hit me. And then that time they end up dead. So why did I think Mark wouldn't hurt me this time? Why did I think he wouldn't disappear? Just because I told him not to? I'm a fucking fool.

I don't understand why God did this to me, again. I was perfectly fine without Mark in my life. He was my fantasy and I kept him in this box, where no one else knew about him. Everything happens for a reason. So, God, what is the fucking reason this time? You are killing me. You think I am strong. You think you can throw anything at me and I will come out on top. But what if one day I am not strong enough? Then what?

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