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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: What's the reason, God?

next entry: 2 days

9 Times


Yesterday morning I had every intention of not talking to Mark. I told myself on Tuesday to leave him alone. I even wrote him an email and said that that would be the last time I contacted him. So yesterday at 10:15 AM it was a full 24 hours since I reached out to him. 1 entire day.

But when I went home for break at 4, I called him. I wanted him to pick up, but he didn't. He didn't send me to voicemail, but it finally went there and I left him a message, all 2 minutes and 30 seconds. And then I sent him txt messages of what I said in my voicemail as pictures, and it said they were delivered. I apologized my ass off. I told him he wasn't a piece of shit. I said I was sorry for getting needy and clingy and I can't change him. I told him I was never going anywhere. My phone number and email wouldn't change. Etc etc etc

So now we are going on to another 24 hours. And I keep telling myself... DO NOT REACH OUT TO HIM. I will give it 3 days. I will reach out to him Sunday if I don't hear from him first.

But... I am a fucking idiot if I do that.

I keep replaying all the good things... How he asked what my favorite part of the day was. How he knew I'd be in the pool. All the times he called me, especially when I told him to. When he said he missed me. When he said I made him happy. When he thanked me for the voicemails and how I told him I cared. When he told me he wanted to visit, that he'd been thinking about it a lot and had to get some things sorted out first.

Today at work, I went back to every entry I had access to, which was back to 2008. I read through 134 entries. I skimmed until I saw Mark's name. If I didn't see it, I moved on. If I saw it, I only read what I wrote. In some of the entries where I did write about him, it was only a sentence or two. Some entries I bitched about him and only him. Out of 134 entries, not including this one, I mentioned him in 56.

But it was the same shit in almost every entry....

He would get distant. He was busy with work. He had phone issues. I seemed to have SOME self control back then. I wrote all the time that I wouldn't talk to him for a few days or a week, and eventually he'd show back up. But I kept grasping and grasping and wanting answers.

He disappeared more than I had remembered. I guess I only remember the BIG ones, like the 2 years and then the 5 years. Do you know how many time's he's come and gone since January 2011? 9 times. This time would be the 10th. And this is just from what I'm reading in this diary. We've known each other since 2005, so it's probably more than that.

January 2011 - Disappeared
June 2011 - Back
November 2012 - Disappeared
May 2013 - Back and disappeared
July 2013 - Back and gone (Found out he had a girlfriend)
October 2015 - Back
December 2015 - Gone (Found out he was married)
December 2020 - Back and disappeared
June 2021 - Back
July 2021 - Disappeared??????

Reading through entries and seeing it on paper, how fucking stupid was I? The excuses never changed. Work. Phone issues. And even though he disappeared in January 2011, from all the previous entries, it was the same shit. Haven't talked to Mark in days. Haven't talked to him in weeks. I had to reach out. His txts were short and simple. Had I read those entries within the last few months, I don't know if I'd be in this same situation.

But I wrote the same shit in every entry, too. Mark said work is busy. Mark says he misses me. Mark meant to call me, but fell asleep.

I let him come back so many fucking times. So many fucking chances. And the excuses stayed the same. Even this time around, they stayed the same! Except this time he was able to add that his wife took his phone or he kept forgetting it places.

I remember he disappeared in 2012 not long after he got back from Hawaii. I guess he resurfaced in 2013, 7 months later. Apparently in that entry I wrote that he called me and I asked why he disappeared. He said he didn't know. I asked if he thought I deserved an explanation and he said no and apparently he hung up on me.

Ho... ly.... Shit

That one really stuck with me.

Then a few months later he came back and said he disappeared because of a girl and that they were still together.

I never wrote another entry until 2018. And in that entry, I wrote that Mark came back in 2015 and that's when I found out he was married.

So I guess I was right, that he probably cheated on every girl he's ever been with. And he broke my heart over and over and over again.

Why did I think this time would be any different?

I seriously thought it was because he said he wanted a divorce and he was putting in an effort when it came to me. We talked more on the phone in the last 42 days than we ever have in the last 15 years. We were learning shit about each other. I called him during a work meeting and he answered. He called every time I told him to.

I know I told him the other day I was never going anywhere.... but reading this shit is a punch to the gut.

I still want to give him until Sunday, an entire week for him to think about shit, and 3 days without hearing from me. I want to see if he reaches out after not hearing from me. If he realizes that he might've lost me for good.

And then I think I need to give him an ultimatum. Honestly, I shouldn't even do that. I KNOW I need to never talk to him again. If he really does reach back out I should ignore him. But I go back to him every single fucking time...

I want to tell him that he's disappeared and resurfaced 10 times. He seems to understand numbers, so maybe this will be a reality check. I want to tell him he has until July 31 to talk to me. If he doesn't then he needs to delete my number and never contact me again. I want to give him the link to my diary and tell him to read every fucking entry and see how badly he's hurt me.

But I'm not sure I have the heart to do that, because I've never said no to him. And this is what I tried explaining to him. Why do you keep leaving and why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep my number?

And I need to ask myself... Why do you keep letting him come back? Why do you keep letting yourself get hurt? What is it about this guy that you cannot let go of?

previous entry: What's the reason, God?

next entry: 2 days

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