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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: Voicemail

next entry: What's the reason, God?



Mark, I don't get it. And all I'm asking is for some clarity or just some fucking closure.

Please read this.

This is the last time I will reach out to you. I want you to know how I feel and that how you treated me is not ok. It's not ok to treat anyone like that. Do you understand?

The first time you disappeared, back in 2012, I had a hunch that something was up. We knew each other for like 6-7 years and things felt off. But remember... that's when we never talked about anything serious. For that many years it was only ever dirty text messages and the occasional phone call. Again, never anything serious, and the calls were always late at night. I do remember hearing from you less and less. Maybe that's when you started dating and were engaged. Who knows. But you clearly cheated from the very beginning. You would txt me during the day, but at night and on weekends I hardly heard from you.

I honestly questioned your fidelity the entire time. I thought, has he really been single this whole time? Has he never dated anyone these last 7 years? So anyone you dated, you cheated on. Every single person.

I'm pretty sure you went AWOL when you went to Hawaii. It makes me wonder if that's when you got married and you went there for your honeymoon. I feel like after that you stopped talking to me. I'm pretty sure I was hurt, but I don't remember it hurting this bad.

When you came back in 2015, I was hesitant. I was already in a rough place having moved back from Vegas just the month before. I remember waking up from a txt from you in October. I remember when I moved into my apartment a few weeks later and you called me wanting to cum, but because I supposedly was working the midnight shift at a hotel, I pretended I was asleep/taking a nap before my shift. I didn't answer that call on purpose. Maybe my head knew not to for a reason. You never did try to call me again after that.

I knew something was off then, too, because the txts were getting less and less frequent. Or again, only during the day and never nights or weekends. And then in December I got a very odd txt from "you." Something about being married and your wife being in the hospital. And then an odd txt about wanting to hear you cum or talking dirty. Not quite sure, but I KNEW it wasn't you writing it, which is why I told you to call me. And I know for a fact that your wife was sitting there, that she forced you to call me and admit that you were married. I still remember it being 3 or 4 AM here, and thinking that your wife discovered something very late at night, how you guys were fighting at midnight or 1AM.

Again, I don't think I was as hurt, because I suspected something was off. Back then AIM was still around, and I still had it linked to my phone, so in January I remember getting a txt/msg from M100Back. I would love to remember what it said, but I don't. I think it said, "I'm sorry." I remember responding, but never hearing from you again. But I was clearly still on your mind and you were desperate to get in touch with me, because at that point, who used AIM anymore? But you still contacted me, even after being caught cheating.

I never deleted your #, but I assumed by then you were either forced to get a new one, or you were forced to get rid of mine/block me. In October 2017 I was in Vegas and went to San Diego for the day. I sent a txt to that #, saying you should skip work for the day and come down. I never got a response. So again, either someone else had that # by then and didn't respond, or I was just blocked and you never got it.

I never stopped thinking about you, and I don't mean just sexually. Your name would pop up in a book, or anytime I saw 9:16 as the time, I thought of you. I thought of you every year on your birthday. For the last 15 years, minus 2 months, you were always the guy I thought about when I masturbated. I already told you that I had to force myself to think about Tom, but it wasn't easy. I guess I thought we were going to have amazing sex and I didn't want to blurt out the wrong name. HA! I had nothing to worry about there.

When you contacted me back in December, I was not exactly shocked, because I knew it was going to happen. Again, I knew something was fucked up because you were using an email address to contact me. At first I wasn't sure it was you, but who else would send me that kind of message? How ironic that someone else talks like that to someone and I happened to get it by mistake? But 10 days went by before I heard from you again.

Do you know when I heard from you again? Christmas Eve/Christmas. Instead of you being with your wife, you were talking to me. You were glad I had the same phone number, you were saying that Daddy missed me. But again, I didn't hear from you after that. I think at that point I was too preoccupied with my puppy and working from home to give it much thought. I KNEW you were cheating, because why else would you resort to email? I just looked at my phone and I sent a txt to your email on February 4. I said I missed you and thought about you, because it was true. I never stopped thinking about you...

So now we're up to June 1, just 43 days ago. I'm watching tv, and glance over and notice I had missed a phone call and got a voicemail. I looked at the area code and KNEW that 925 was CA. I didn't think it was you, but it reminded me of you. So was I shocked that it was you? Very. Just a simple message: Hey, guess who? I'll call back in a little bit.

So I waited for you to call. What's weird is you did, but before I could answer you hung up. I was hesitant to talk to you, but I sent you a txt when I went to bed. I even said you never called back, and you apologized, but you really did, remember? Why did you lie? A few nights after that you called and I didn't answer. You asked if I was playing hard to get. No, I was just protecting my heart I guess. I remember telling you my phone was always on silent, and a few nights after that you called and left me a voicemail of you cumming. But for the last month, my phone hasn't been on silent. I never wanted to miss a txt from you. I never wanted to miss a call from you. I was even taking it out by the pool with me sometimes. I never did that last year. Never. It's because all I wanted to do was talk to you.

I have no idea how many txt messages my phone keeps, but I still have every single txt message we've sent. So around 2500 I suppose. Looking back, you started off by talking to me all day every day. If I didn't respond within so many minutes/hours, you were texting me again. You were txting me as soon as you woke up, before you went to bed. You were making a damn effort. You were choosing to talk to me. And then the tables turned. Within the last few weeks the messages from you got less and less and I started pleading with you. I got fucking clingy. Thank you.

So after a few weeks, when you started to become distant, and I became more attached, I started questioning your actions. I pointed things out. After so many weeks, I made you finally talk to me about your past. But you weren't focused on just me and that conversation. You were at the fucking store and had to end it. And we didn't even talk about certain things. I still have no idea why your marriage has sucked for the last 5 years and why you were sleeping in your car. That's when you said you weren't sure about a divorce anymore. I was crying, do you remember? I said I didn't want to say goodbye. That I still wanted to talk. That I wasn't going anywhere. I said: Don't disappear on me again. You said you wouldn't. I said I didn't deserve to be treated like that. You agreed.

But what did you do, Mark? You fucking disappeared. And you treated me like shit.

You are a fucking drug. Again, I am forced to quit cold turkey and now I am going through withdrawal. But this time I used more and more and more, more than I've ever used in my entire life, and the withdrawal is so much worse.

You have to understand why I was so frustrated with you. I mean, you said you understood, after I pointed it out. Every fucking time.

Mark, you have to put in more of an effort. Ok, Brooke, I will. Mark, you have to call me because you want to. Yes, Brooke, I want to. Mark, why haven't I heard from you all night? Brooke, I was pissed off, but not at you. Brooke, my wife took my phone. Brooke, I left it at a store.

Do you realize that in 42 days you left your phone at 3 different places and your wife took it 3 different times? So that's an average of once a week, that I was left in the dark, with no way to communicate with you. I told you that Tom ruined me by not talking to me for 12 hours, and you did it over and over and over. I'm sorry that I watched the clock like a hawk, but Tom ruined that for me and then you went and did the same fucking thing. But sometimes it was 18 hours, 24 hours. And now it's been 43 hours since I've heard from you.

I had to explain things to you over and over and over. I had to keep saying that our phones were the only thing connecting us. Every time you said you understood. Yet you still kept giving your wife your phone, yet you still kept leaving it everywhere. When you leave a place shouldn't you make sure you have your wallet, phone and keys? By giving in to your wife, you were giving up on me. You were okay with not talking to me. When you left it somewhere, you weren't thinking of me. I could never leave my phone somewhere because I thought about you 24/7, and was waiting for that next txt or call.

Is that why you got fed up with me? Because I kept pointing things out? Because I was getting sick of your excuses?

You made all those choices. You chose to give your wife your phone. You chose to leave it somewhere (because you clearly didn't make sure you had it). You chose to stop talking to me once you got home at night.

You put me last many times and I tried to be understanding. But I explained that it was YOU that came back into my life, and I was trying more than you, and you said you understood. Just on Friday I said: You haven't disappeared... yet. Did I jinx everything? Apparently so.

So on Sunday, when you called me, I made a choice to not answer. I chose to send you to voicemail, because I wanted you to know how it felt to be a choice. How is it that my ONE choice was the final straw for you, yet all 35978 of your choices I put up with? But I went 1 minute and called you back and no answer.

And you sent a txt and explained that your phone sucked and you needed to get it checked. You said you realized your phone was missing when you went to txt me. You said you missed me.

I fully understand that I wasn't nice, and told you to go to fucking Verizon, to not try, but to actually do it. I was frustrated. Because all I wanted to do was talk to you. I was sick of you leaving your phone places, or your wife taking it. I was annoyed that your calls wouldn't go through. And I told you to go to Verizon because that's what I use. I wanted you to go there so we wouldn't have connection issues. I wanted you to get a new phone and phone number so your wife couldn't take it. Do you get that?

So I waited and waited and waited. And didn't hear back. And I thought, did I piss him off? Did I piss him off that bad that he doesn't want to talk to me? What if I had just answered the phone when he called? What if what if what if what if

I didn't hear from you all night. I slept like shit. I woke up every hour and called you. Did you see how many times I tried calling? I woke up in the morning and left you a voicemail. I told you I cared about you and that I missed you.

And I heard nothing all day. Work sucked. I went home and bawled. Did you get my voicemail where I was sobbing? Where I was begging you to talk to me? To not disappear, that I deserved better? Do you get my txts, my email?

I tried called again when I went to bed. Were you sending me to voicemail? Every time I called it was 1 or 2 rings and then to voicemail. But when I tried in the middle of the night, it rang 5-6 times. When I called this morning, same thing.

So I left you a nasty voicemail. Because you hurt me. So fucking much. I don't deserve to be treated like this.

I put up with so much bullshit. I apologized when I shouldn't have. I picked up the phone every time you called. I responded to txt messages.

Did I tell you to call me all the time? Yes, because I needed to know you cared and I meant something to you. Did I start giving you 60 minutes to call, 45, 30, 15? Yes, because I needed to know you cared and I meant something to you.

You said that you meant everything you said. So did you want to visit, and now you don't? Did you want to fuck me, and now you don't? Did you want to get your phone looked at, and now you don't? Did you want a divorce, and now you don't? Did you want to be happy, and now you don't?

Things felt different this time, but I guess I was wrong. God clearly put you back in my life to hurt me once again. You are no different from Tom or any other person in my life.

You heard me cry so many times these last 43 days. Do you feel bad, knowing you were making me cry? I fought and fought and fought for you. When was the last time your wife fought that hard for your attention? When did she last cry because she wanted to talk to you, because she missed you that fucking much?

I can't tell you how many days I went without masturbating, because the person you always thought about, was frustrating you. When I tried, I kept thinking shitty things and could never cum. And now that you've hurt me so fucking bad, I don't know when I'll cum again or who I will think of. I know some day I will think of you again, because I'm fucking stupid.

I don't get it Mark. And all I'm asking is for some clarity or just some fucking closure.

Why did you keep my number for 15 years? Why do you keep coming back and hurting me? We aren't kids. We are grown adults. You are 40 years old. This is not how you treat people, especially me.

I want to say never contact me again, but I would be lying to myself. If you ever get a divorce, or if you ever get your shit together, I will still be here waiting because I am a fucking idiot. But if you ever come back into my life, you better have a flight booked arriving into Buffalo when you do.

previous entry: Voicemail

next entry: What's the reason, God?

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