Back in college (15 years ago) I had to take a psychology class and one of the requirements was to write a research paper. I chose to do mine on dreams.
Before that I never gave dreams much thought. I don't know if I had ever researched what things meant. But having to do research for that paper made me learn a lot. We obviously have tons of dreams a night, but we don't remember all of them, if any. And our subconscious reveals a lot to us.
Dreams never mean what you're really dreaming about. If you dream you're pregnant, it doesn't mean you are. If you dream of a plane crash, it doesn't mean it's going to happen. All of these things are symbols and somehow relate to what's going on in your life.
I don't really remember researching my dreams until I was in the process of moving to Vegas. I remember having strange dreams and started looking up the symbols. At this point I don't remember what those dreams were or the symbols I looked up, but I do remember them relating to me moving, etc.
Then a few years ago, when all the shit was going on with my house, and being stressed with that process, I was having a lot of dreams and looked up the symbols and them relating to situations I was going through.
Over the years I've realized that if things are going ok, I don't remember my dreams. The more stressed out I am, the more vivid they are, and I remember them enough to be able to look up what they mean.
When Mark first started talking to me again, he said he had two dreams about me a few days before. I don't know if that's why he reached out to me again or not. If he was telling the truth, he said the dreams were sexual. A few days later, he said he had another dream about me. Another sexual one.
I got curious, so I remember looking up what dreaming about the same person means. It wasn't good, and I told him this, and didn't tell him what I read. I told him I look up dreams often, but sometimes you see a lot of different results and don't know what to believe. Other times, all the results are similar. The funny thing is, I looked this up again today, and I can't find the same results. I don't know what keywords I used, but I'm amazed I can't find anything similar to what I read.
I joked with him and asked what he did to dream about me so much. He said he thought of me. I said I thought about him all the time and I never dreamed about him. I even told him if things are going ok in my life I don't really dream, but if things suck that's when I have a lot of dreams, and most of them are shitty.
The day after I went to the Hanson concert, he said he had another dream about me. He said he dreamt about before and after the concert. I don't know if they were two separate dreams, or just one really long dream. Again, a sexual dream. (He told me what happened before the concert, but I never did hear what happened after.)
Ever since Mark has stopped talking to me, I can't stop dreaming. Most of them have involved him, which is ironic because any other time I could never dream about him.
But things aren't ok in my life, so now I'm dreaming all the time, right?
Last night I had a dream about packing things in boxes. I was at my parents house, but I don't know why. I don't know if I was moving out of their house. I don't know if I was just packing things I had left there. All I know, is that I was putting things in boxes and I remember asking Dad if we had any more and he said no, so I had to go to the grocery store and get more.
So I looked up cardboard boxes and moving.
To dream of cardboard moving boxes represents feelings about change being inevitable. A strong sense that it’s time to do something else.
Packing and unpacking in a dream suggest that you need to deal with the chaos in your life. Something definitely overwhelms you at the moment, mainly because you are juggling too many things and situations, and you are carrying too many burdens. The dream about packing is a warning to relax and let go.
Dreaming of packing boxes is symbolic of the changes that are going to happen in your life. You are ready to let all your problems disappear, let your memories go away and forget the past, and seeing brown cardboard boxes indicate finally moving forward.
To dream of packing your personal belongings represents feelings of changes ahead that you are preparing for. You may be focused on moving forward as you put past issues or relationships behind you. Preparing to move on from some area of your life.
Dream about Packing Boxes is about disappointments in love. You are progressing smoothly toward your life path. You are feeling vulnerable and untrusting of others. Your dream refers to a new opportunity is made available to you. You are living in your own fantasy world.
Packing Boxes is a portent for regal power and authority. Perhaps you are longing for more romance in your personal relationship. It is time to move on and look toward the future. The dream denotes self-growth and you desire to present a new image of yourself to others. You need to communicate something important and urgent.
Pack in your dream refers to sadness, unresolved grief or your fears about death. You need to be more independent and look after your own self. You are being overly indulgent and living a life of excess. This dream signifies abundance, prosperity, growth and fertility. You are imposing your opinions and feelings on others. Pack in this dream hints you feelings and concerns you have about someone. Perhaps, you are being too overly protective. You may be going about things the hard way. This dream stands for some saddening and depressing matter. You need to focus on more joyous moments. You are contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation.
Box in dream stands for a dysfunctional relationship or unfulfilled goal. You need to use caution in a new situation. You need to distance yourself from an unhealthy relationship. Your dream is an indication for a time in your life when things were more carefree and spontaneous. It is about a partnership, collaboration or teamwork.
Dream about both “Pack” and “Box” unfortunately draws attention to your lack of judgment and your gullibility. There is some situation or problem in your life that you need to straighten up. You feel that you have no voice or no choice in a situation. The dream denotes troubling times and disappointments. You need to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. Dream about packing boxes is a signal for physical and mental dexterity. You are close to bringing your feelings to the surface. You are ready to share an aspect of yourself. The dream is sometimes a spiritual reawakening, eternal life or resurrection. You are experiencing a new sense of freedom and calm.
All of these results are similar, right? They talk about change, problems, relationships, moving forward, forgetting things, letting go.
And that kills me.
I still miss Mark so fucking much. I still cry every fucking day. I still question everything. I still have regrets. I still ask "what if, what if, what if"
But our dreams don't lie, right? Our subconscious knows more than we do, right?
I don't want to move forward (yet). I don't want to forget (ever). I don't want to let go (yet).