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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: Dragonfly & More Dreams

next entry: Cardboard Boxes

2 Weeks/6 Days


I don't know if writing in this diary 465 times a day is helping me, or making things worse.

Am I writing for myself? Am I writing because I hope Mark might read these entries? But if he reads them, will he think I am better off without him, because he can see how much he's hurt me? Or will he read them and realize just how much I care about him and want him and need him and he will eventually reappear?

The entire time I lived in Vegas, the entire time I was miserable, depressed, alone, when I was at probably the lowest point in my life...never once did I feel the need to write in this diary. In 2015, when Mark came back and I found out he was married, not once did I feel the need to write in this diary. When things ended with Tom in January 2019, when I was again, at one of the lowest points in my life, miserable, depressed, alone... Not once did I feel the need to write in this diary. It wasn't until June 2019 when I felt the need to write again.

Between June 5 and July 12 I didn't write a single entry (the one entry doesn't count, it was the email I had sent to him). For 37 days I was either on cloud 9 or in denial. For 37 days, I didn't feel the need to write. Or maybe I just didn't have the time, because that's when time moved so fast, remember? Just because I didn't write doesn't mean everything was good. And just because I didn't write doesn't mean everything was bad.

Yet now, I cannot stop writing. Is it because I've been writing often since June 2019? Or is it because I have so many emotions and thoughts that I need to get out? Because I didn't write once between December 2020 and May 2021. And even though the entry I wrote in May was brief, I still mentioned Mark. And ever since then, every single fucking entry has ONLY been about Mark. Almost every day. Sometimes twice a day.

I wish I had written after our phone conversation, because I still want to remember what we talked about.

I can't tell you how many night I went to bed frustrated at Mark, and cried myself to sleep because I hadn't heard from him in hours. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I got, because I constantly woke up and checked my phone to see if Mark txted me, and when he didn't, I was upset. I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up, and I was already pissed off, because I hadn't heard from Mark in 12 hours.

But I didn't write about our phone calls. I didn't write about when he came for me. I didn't write about the one night/morning, when we talked for hours and then he called me. I got 0 hours of sleep that night, but I didn't care, because we talked. I didn't write about the things we found out about each other. All the bad shit keeps running through my mind, but what about the good shit? I don't want to forget that.

My mind doesn't shut up. The only time my mind stops, is when I'm reading, which I'm only doing in the pool now. And even when I'm reading, something can trigger a thought of Mark. If I stop in between chapters, my mind immediately goes to Mark. Just being in my pool and swimming around makes me think of Mark. Even when I try to watch tv, I still think of Mark. Every song reminds me of Mark. Not necessarily the song itself or the band, but the lyrics. Even eating certain foods remind me of Mark. It seems like his name is popping up everywhere now. I can't escape him in my sleep, because I'm dreaming of him more than ever before. He is with me 24/7.

It has now been 2 weeks since Mark has stopped talking to me. The last time I reached out to him was Monday around 4PM, so that gives me 6 days of not talking to him. But I sent him that email around noon on Tuesday. So does that give me 6 days, or 5? I happened to look at my phone today, around 3:30. The last txt I got from him was at 3:24, two weeks ago. I still miss him. So fucking much.

The days aren't getting easier, if anything they are getting harder. Because it's one more day I haven't heard from Mark. One more day of missing him. One more day of crying. One more day of just trying to keep living and functioning with a broken heart. One more day of wishing things had gone differently. One more day of wishing I had answered the fucking phone. One more day of wishing I hadn't said what I said.

I have a love/hate relationship with the saying, "Things happen for a reason." Because if I hadn't left Vegas, I wouldn't be in this house. Among many other examples. 2 weeks ago, the weather was shitty, so I wasn't in my pool. If I had been in my pool, I wouldn't have been laying around waiting for Mark to txt me, to let myself get that upset, to choose to ignore his call. So was there a reason the weather was shitty that day? Because if it had been a gorgeous day, things would be a lot different right now.

I don't know why, but at work on Friday I looked up how the divorce process works in CA. I will admit, it's not a simple or fast process. I literally went through every step and looked at every form. Even when you file for divorce, someone has to serve the papers to the other person for you, and they have 30 days to respond. If they are civil, you move through the process together. If they don't respond, you can still move through the process, but it's not easy. You have to fill out a form that lists how much money you make, including regular pay and overtime, and how much your mortgage is, and what you think you spend a month on clothes or food. Every single damn thing. Because that all determines alimony.

And then I looked up in general how long the process takes. It says that no matter what, you can't be divorced until 6 months has passed. So even if you mutually file for divorce and fill out every form and the judge approves it within 30 days, you won't be legally divorced for 5 more months.

I remember talking to Mark before about how he was the one who contacted me before figuring things out, and how I was kind of put in the middle. And in that email I wrote to him I did tell him that if he needs to sort shit out first and then come back, to at least tell me. But even if he started the divorce process today, he still wouldn't be divorced until some time in 2022. So would he choose to talk to me again, when he's officially divorced, or would he talk to me again when all the paperwork has been submitted and he's waiting for it to be finalized? Or will I just never hear from him again?

If Mark really goes through with a divorce and waits until after it's approved, then I won't hear from him until next year, and that means we won't be going to that football game together. And I don't want to think that, because that's still 5 months away. I still want to have faith and hope.

During the conversation in June he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted a divorce anymore. And it made no sense, because just a week or two before that, he did. I got so upset when he said that. I couldn't understand how he went from wanting one, to not being sure. I asked if he was happy. He didn't hesitate to tell me no. I told him that was his answer. I said if you aren't happy, end it. Because he wasn't happy, right? For the last 5 years he hasn't been happy. For the last 2 he hasn't been happy. He was sleeping in his fucking car. All the arguments with his wife. I remember him telling me about his wife and her issues and saying he didn't know why she didn't go live with her Mom. He was talking to me. He said he hated change. We all do. I remember telling him I adapt to change, but that doesn't mean I like it. If you aren't happy with something or someone, you have to make a change. I remember telling him there's this saying in recovery that people hate, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

Mark barely had time to txt me, how would he find time to fill out these forms? The Friday before he stopped talking to me, I asked if he had talked about divorce with his wife again. He said it was brought up and they talked about it, but nothing since then. And that's when I went off on him, and told him if he wanted to stay married and be unhappy the rest of his life, then that was his choice. I told him he was stupid if he did.

5 years ago, after finding out he was married, I still wanted him. I remember saying to myself, why do you want to be with someone that is a cheater? That was talking to you when he wife was in the hospital (if she really was)? This goes back to Mark saying I was easy to talk to and a distraction. Because if she really was in the hospital, he came back to me because I was a distraction, right? And this time, when things got shitty again, he came back to me, because again, I was a distraction. But things apparently have been shitty the last 5 years, the last 2 years, so why did he come back to me now? Why not 4 years ago, 3, 2, 1? But it's like as soon as he started talking to me again, he had second thoughts about a divorce.

I think Mark knows what he's doing is wrong, because in the past he's never let it go on for too long. Like he comes back, but eventually realizes he's an asshole and that's when he disappears on me. So he's hurting the person he's with, with or without them knowing it, and then in return, disappears and now he's hurting me, with or without knowing it.

Mark always uses me as a distraction, to forget about his real life, but he ends up being my distraction, making me choose to forget about my real life. When Mark comes back, I don't care about anything or anyone else. When I went out to dinner in June, I was txting Mark. Any other time, I never look at my phone. I always txted him at work, not focusing on my actual work. Now, he's still a distraction, because he's all I think about.

After going back and reading past entries, I was never this upset about him disappearing before. I wrote about how I missed him, etc, but I never once read where I spent weeks crying over him. 5 years ago, after ending the phone call with him admitting he was married, I do remember crying and having a hard time falling back to sleep. But again, I don't remember crying for weeks. I think I was upset that entire day, not so much crying, but just being upset in general. Probably in shock, but not really, because I had a feeling.

I think it's different this time because of everything we talked about. Him wanting to end his marriage. Him wanting to come visit me. Him hearing me say don't fucking disappear and him saying he wouldn't. It's a lot to digest and get over. And it's going to take a long fucking time because I don't want it to be over. I want him to come back.

Maybe Mark forgot about him disappearing on me all the time. The last time he didn't disappear, I found out he was married and that was the end of it. So the last time he disappeared on me was in July 2013. 8 years ago. He couldn't remember his fucking phone at a store or restaurant, do I really expect him to remember all the times he disappeared on me? Because it didn't affect him, right? It wasn't his heart getting hurt every time.

I hate comparing Mark and Tom, but how can I not? Especially at this point, because they BOTH disappeared on me. What is happening right now, has brought up all those horrible memories with Tom. It took me a year to fully get over the situation with Tom, to fully come to terms with not wanting him in my life. To fully accept that I deserved better. Tom and I knew each other 20 years, right? We were friends. But we drifted apart, like a lot of people do. We talked in 2015, but we never talked again until 2018, because he had no idea I didn't live in Vegas anymore. But never once did we talk dirty. Never once did he cum for me on the phone. Never once did I think about him when masturbating. So when we started talking about a future together, I was hesitant. I said to him, "Either we'll be together forever, or I'll lose you." And he said, "You'll never lose me." But... I did lose him. I lost a FRIEND.

Mark and I have never been able to just be friends. Even when we first met, it quickly became sexual. Here and there we did learn things about each other, but not very much. Apparently every time a girl was in his life he'd disappear, but he'd resurface and it'd go back to being sexual. We could never just be friends while he dated or while he was married because it was never like that. Every time he disappeared it wasn't because we drifted apart, it's because there was another girl. So even though I say that Mark and I have known each other for 15 years, does it really count? Because for at least 7 of those years we didn't talk, and not just because we drifted apart.

In the email I wrote to him after our phone conversation, I told him if all he needed was a friend right now, then I could be one. But who was I kidding? We could never be just friends, because we never have been. When have I ever been there for him (and vice versa) as just a friend? Never. Because even if we tried, it would turn sexual. This time, I think we tried, but it got too fucking hard. For almost a week it seemed like he didn't talk dirty to me, and I pointed that out. And him disappearing proves we can't be just friends.

Anyways. When I started to not hear from Mark for HOURS, and when it started to become 12+ hours, it brought back up those shitty memories with Tom (because he CHOSE not to talk to me for 12 hours, while he was at work, when I was out visiting him). Something I hadn't thought about in 1-2 years, came back to the surface because of something he chose to do. And I expressed this to Mark. I feel like I even told him this on the phone. He HEARD me say it. So not only was I trying to come to terms with Mark's life in general, how busy he was, being married, etc., I was also dealing with past issues, that I probably never really addressed.

And I told him I had trust issues, but of course he doesn't know the whole story. I told him that for the last 20 years I've learned to not get my hopes up, to not rely on anything or anyone. I told him there are reasons that make both of us who we are, and I was trying my hardest, but it was challenging. And because Tom disappeared one me, and Mark has disappeared on me multiple times, those thoughts kept resurfacing.

So I was dealing with the present and dealing with the past, all at fucking once, and it hit me hard. It was a struggle. It still is. But Mark had no idea just how much Tom hurt me. Things that I wanted to explain to him I wanted to be done in person. I guess I should've talked about them on the phone, but sometimes you just wanted to have fun conversations, you didn't want everything to be serious.

How can ANYONE, not just a guy (though that seems to be the pattern in my life), stop talking to someone in the snap of their fingers? Tom didn't even want to stay friends with me. Mark? I don't know. The day before he stopped talking to me, he called to cum for me on the phone, but there was a connection issue. The minute before he stopped talking to me, he said he missed me. How can feelings change like that within a day, within a minute?

Is there something psychologically wrong with Mark? Is there a reason why he cheats, or a reason why he comes back to ME when shit gets hard? Did something happen in his past? I'm not perfect either. There is shit that has happened to me, right? I've never went to counseling. I've never talked about it to anyone. How am I any better? So there's something psychologically wrong with me, too, right? Because why do I keep letting Mark come back?

I told Mark on the phone that I'm a hypocrite, that I'm not any better than other people. Years ago Sheri at work was always talking to guys that were still married. I remember telling her she was crazy, that I didn't know how she could do that, why she'd want to be with a guy who could do that. But I told Mark I'm doing it, that I'm no better. Except with Mark it's always, always, always different. I stopped talking to Nick because he was a cheater. I still don't give him the time of day. I'm friendly with him, but I don't want to be in a relationship with him. With Mark? It doesn't fucking matter.

So why is EVERYTHING different with Mark?

If I went to a counselor and unloaded all this bullshit on them, first they'd go back to my childhood. I wouldn't say anything in my childhood fucked me up, but I know when I was 14 what Jen did fucked me up. Or was the start of it. But what would that have to do with Mark? I'm sure they'd find a connection. They always say you want what you can't have. Is that it? Is it because I've wanted Mark the last 15 years and I STILL haven't had him?

If Mark went to counseling and talked about me, they would ask the same question. Why do you keep going back to Brooke? Why have you kept her number? Why is it HER you always go back to, over and over and over again? Is it the same thing... you want what you can't have? Is it the sexting between us? The fantasy?

I jokingly told Mark that he and my dog were very similar. I honestly don't remember what I told him and I don't feel like looking at my phone (because there would be no txt or missed call from Mark and I don't feel like getting even more upset), but I'm similar to a dog, too, right? No matter how many times my master treats me like shit, no matter how many times he leaves me, I stay loyal. I still go back. I still take the abuse. I still want him to be my owner.

Over these last few weeks, I noticed that even though our lives are completely different, they are also very similar.

During the one phone conversation, where shit got real, he mentioned that he didn't really have friends. I think that was after he said that I was easy to talk to and a distraction. I always pictured Mark as this popular guy, with tons of friends, busy on the weekends going out to dinner or golfing. Maybe because when we first met that's how his life seemed? But again, we never really knew much about each other's personal lives. So I don't think he had anyone to talk to about things. How do you explain to friends that your marriage failed, that it's been shitty for the last 5 years, that you've been sleeping in your car for 2 years? Who would he ask to serve the divorce papers to his wife? (I'd do it. I'd fly out there and do it in a heartbeat.)

I remember telling Mark I didn't really have friends either. I actually told him this when we first started txting. He asked if when I moved back to PA if I kept the same friends. I explained that I did, but also made new friends because of who I worked with. But I also explained that I didn't really hang out with anyone, and explained the dinner situation with Marcie/Heather. I think I told him when I was going through shit a few years ago, that not one person noticed something was wrong with me. I said they either didn't care, or I was that good at hiding it.

We both seem to hate social media. He has no idea that I didn't use Facebook for 2 years. And honestly, I haven't gotten on since he stopped talking to me. Why do I want to see everyone else with their perfect lives while I'm fucking miserable?

I don't want Mark to think that I'm made of money. Yes, he's aware that I built a brand new house, but he has no idea that Dad bought the lot for me, that he paid my closing costs, that he paid for all the hookups to be done. I remember telling Mark I had a deck built and still needed a porch, and by the time I had both I could've bought a new car. He doesn't know that Dad paid for my deck and will be paying for my porch. He has no idea that I'm putting as much money into savings as I possibly can so I can slowly pay Dad back. He has no idea that I still live like I did 5 years, making $10K less. He has no idea that I was finally able to pay off my credit card in full this last month, that I've carried a balance for the last 6 years (which is something I never used to do).

He seemed to start working a lot of overtime when we were talking. Maybe he had before, but when I asked what his work hours were, he said it was usually 8-5 or 5:30. Because at first it seemed like he had time for me. And then work got crazy. Meetings, other people fucking up. By this point, I was getting more attached and he had less time for me. It sucked.

A few days before he stopped talking to me, I asked him if he liked his job. He said normally yes, but right now things were hectic. I asked if everyone else worked past 5 and on weekends, or if he chose to do that. I asked if his work expected him to do that. He said a lot of people did work past their shift, but he probably worked the most in general. I asked why and he said he needed the money. I told him I understood, just not to burn himself out. I also think Mark used work as another distraction, as a way to not have to deal with things at home. Because if you don't get done working until 8PM, then that's less time dealing with bullshit at home. And if you work on weekends, that's less time dealing with bullshit at home.

I guess I just assumed he had his shit together, but when he told me he didn't have tv, he could only watch things that were free, it made me wonder/question things. I told him I don't have tv either, that I mooch off others. So I understand him working overtime, needing money to get a divorce (just to file that paperwork is $500, that's not counting other fees or if he needed to hire a divorce lawyer), needing money to get his own place. And possibly needing money to come visit me. It's not my business, but he seemed to eat out a lot. I wanted to say, if you didn't eat out so much, you'd have more money. But what right did I have?

During that phone call, I asked Mark if he saw a future for us. I mean, it's a silly question to ask someone who's still married and 3K miles away, but I needed to know. He didn't necessarily hesitate, he was just trying to find the right words and the right way to explain it. If I remember, he said he didn't know. He said he still had a lot of things to sort out and he needed to figure out a place to live and needed money to do that. I think that's when I asked how long I should wait for him, and he told me not to wait, to do what I needed to do. I wanted to tell him don't worry about finding a place to live, just move here, but again, did I really expect him to go from a marriage to moving here with me, without taking any time in between for himself?

I know it's hard to expect someone to end their marriage and get a divorce and jump right into another relationship, which I think I wanted to happen. The weekend before I had mentioned that I was exhausted because I babysat 4 little girls. His response was, "Wait what" and I asked what he meant by that. He said he didn't think I had any kids, I said I didn't. So during our phone conversation I brought that up. I asked why he seemed so surprised. He said he just didn't think I had kids. I told him I didn't, and said, "Do you really think I'd keep something like that from you?" That's when I asked if he had kids. I was glad when he said no, because I knew if he did, I could never expect him to move to the other side of the country.

I asked him why he didn't have kids. He told me that his wife has some sort of health condition. He told me the name, but I don't remember. I think he said she's basically in pain all the time. I don't know if this is the reason they never had kids, because he first said he (they?) wanted kids, but then he didn't, and then he wasn't sure. Most people have an answer. For me, it's yes, 100%. But if you ask others, they don't hesitate to say no. Mark didn't have a definite answer, because I still don't think he knows. A few days later I did have a thought, that if Mark said he didn't want kids, if I'd be ok with that. If I finally had Mark, would I be ok going the rest of my life not having kids, because I knew I'd have the rest of my life with him. I still don't know the answer to that. Would I sacrifice never having kids to be with a guy I've always wanted to be with?

I still have no idea how long he's been married. At least 5 years, which is really more like 6, since I found out he was married in December 2020. At that time I wasn't sure how long he had already been married. Not every couple has kids right away, I know some that wait years. So if they wanted kids, they obviously didn't have them right away. I think he said his marriage has sucked the last 5-6 years and he had over 5 years of pent up sexual frustration. So does that mean for the last 5 years he hasn't had sex? If so, that explains why they never had kids. So many unanswered questions.

Everyone knows girls have a biological clock, and it seems like as soon as you hit 30 it ticks louder and louder and louder. Guys can have kids until they die, but it seems like once a female hits 35, they know their years are numbered. That is very true for me.

I remember talking about kids with Tom. At that time I was only 31, almost 32, and he was already 34/35. I told him I always wanted 4 kids, but knew that was almost impossible at that point. Obviously kids are expensive, and he mentioned that. I told him I wanted to have at least 2, but if both were girls or boys, we would have a third. That's why when I visited him, we didn't use any protection, because if I got pregnant, we were both ok with it. And I remember having the pregnancy scare. Part of me wanted to be pregnant, just so I could finally have a kid, which sounds horrible. Another part of me wanted a kid, in hopes that maybe that would make Tom come back. Again, another horrible thought. I was devastated when I found out I wasn't pregnant, but I also knew it was for the best. I knew that I couldn't force Tom to come back with a kid, and I knew I couldn't raise one on my own. I mean, I COULD, because I've done everything on my own, but I didn't WANT to.

So anyways... Mark and I never discussed having kids together. He never asked if I wanted kids. He could've asked me during that conversation, or at any point, but but never did. Maybe he assumes I don't want kids, but I don't feel like I ever gave him that impression. I remember telling him Tom and I had discussed getting married and having kids. But maybe he thought my pregnancy scare was really that... a scare. That it scared the shit out of me because I didn't want kids. But that wasn't why I considered it a scare.

But Mark is 40, almost 41, so maybe he feels like he's too old at this point. Maybe he feels like by the time he gets a divorce and gets his life sorted out, he'll be too old. I already know I'll never have 4 kids (unless I have twins, etc) but I still want at least 1. And my clock is ticking... FAST. I'm almost 35. In order for me to have a kid before I'm 36, I'd have to get pregnant in December or January, which is highly unlikely. So now I'm at least 36, but probably closer to 37, before I have a kid. Even if Mark and I are together at that point, he's 42, almost 43. So where is his head really at when he thinks of kids? Is that even something he's thinking about with everything else going on in his life? I doubt it.

Years ago, when I was maybe 29, Sheri at work tried hooking me up with a guy in his 40's, who already had a teenage daughter. I told her she was crazy, because by the time we dated, and maybe not married, how old would he be at that point? I said by that point he could be their grandfather, especially by the time they graduated high school. But it's different with Mark, right? Even if I had just 1 kid with him and I was 39, he'd be 45 and I wouldn't care because I'd be having a kid with HIM.

I always seem to put the cart before the horse, right? I can't just live in the present, I have to think about the future. Even years into it. But I feel like with Mark I always envisioned a future. Back in college I thought about us having a future and I'm sure for years after that. I'm sure 5 years ago, before I knew he was married I envisioned one. And I envisioned one this time around, because it seemed more real than any time before.

Maybe he doesn't realize it, but we had kind of talked about it, hadn't we?

I mean... We discussed the future, but not marriage and kids. We discussed how if I went on a vacation without him, he said he wouldn't care, but he'd pounce on me as soon as I got home. We talked about going to concerts together. We talked about going out to eat together. We talked about swimming together. Watching tv together.

We talked about fucking each other as much as possible. We talked about fucking in the morning before leaving for work and at the end of the day before bed. We talked about being able to do it all the time on the weekends. But again, we've ALWAYS talked about that. That is the one thing that has always connected us. That is one thing we always resort back to.

In the last 15 years, I've masturbated roughly 5,400 times. That's if I did it once a day, every day. I know for a fact that there are times when I didn't play every day, and I know there are times that I did it multiple times a day. So I know that that number isn't accurate. But every single time I played... I thought of Mark. That's a lot of fantasies, right? Positions, locations, words said. I've watched a lot of porn, but I still always imagined it was Mark and I in that position, or saying those words, etc.

I've thought about Mark and I fucking in a bed, on a couch, on a table, in the shower, in the car, by the pool, in the pool, on a beach. I've thought about Mark fingering me in a pool, in a car, out front of the Bellagio. I've thought about sucking his cock in the car, by the pool, in a movie theater, under the covers.

I'm not saying I've never thought about Mark fucking me in MY bed, on MY table, in MY shower, etc etc. But this time, it was different, because for probably the first time ever, Mark said he had thought about coming to visit. And any time he shared a fantasy, he would say things like: "Do you want me to bend you over your couch?" "I thought about fucking you on your table." "I fucked you on your bathroom counter." "When I came home from work you were waiting for me on your knees." Never once did he mention his place. Neither did I. So Mark is all over this house, all over my life, without knowing it. I can't look at my counter, or table or pool without thinking of Mark.

When Tom disappeared on me and I was depressed, I didn't play for that reason. I didn't play because I couldn't think of Tom, because I knew when I did I would think about Mark. I just didn't play because of how broken I was. This time? It's both. I can't and don't want to play because I'd want to think about Mark. I did play twice last Saturday. after having gone probably over a week, and after both times I had an orgasm, I bawled my eyes out. This morning, I played, after having gone over a week, and as soon as I had an orgasm, I bawled my eyes out.

So I wonder how often Mark is playing. I was surprised when the one day he told me he hadn't played the day before. I just assumed he was still this horny guy that had to get off at least once a day, but apparently not, because life gets in the way. I kind of took it personal, that I guess I wasn't talking dirty enough to him. But how many days did I suddenly start going without playing because I was frustrated and sad with him? Many. But on other days, he made me so horny it was 3. Just like that one day he said he had already played 3 times, or the time we got off the phone and he said he had to play twice.

So... that's why I wonder how often he's playing now. If he's still thinking of me. Because I am devastated and can't bring myself to play, because I can't bring myself to think about Mark. And as soon as I stop orgasming, I bawl. It's not just a few tears, it's literally my orgasm is over and I start sobbing. This morning I was crying so hard and hurting so bad, that all I wanted to do was call Mark, to see if he'd answer. All I wanted to do was leave him a voicemail. All I wanted to do was send him a txt. If my phone hadn't been out in the kitchen, I probably would've contacted him in some way.

I'm not a religious person, but it's hard to be when you feel like you keep getting shit on. I know my life isn't as bad as others, but I also know it's not as good. All the time I question why certain shit happens to me, and for others it's a damn walk in the park. I still don't know why God would put Mark back in my life, just to have him disappear and hurt me again. I don't know what the reason is, what the lesson is, because I was fine without him. I KNEW I'd hear from him again, but another part of me thought it was seriously over between us, that he and his wife worked shit out. So why the hell did God put him back into my life?

You always think... What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Because for the longest time after Tom disappeared, I thought that. I thought that it was something I said, or something I did. I thought I wasn't good enough for him. And I eventually came to terms that there was nothing wrong with me. I am who I am and I can't change and Tom couldn't handle me and I deserved to find someone who did.

So again... What did I do wrong that I'm not good enough for Mark? Because it seemed like Mark was fine with things. I am aware I got emotional, but I explained to Mark that when I get frustrated, I cry. I have done this for as long as I can remember. It seemed like I was always frustrated with something Mark did, and I cried because of it. I am aware that I can control my feelings. If I hadn't let myself get frustrated, I wouldn't have been emotional. But it's just how I am.

I remember Tom telling me I had to open up and tell him things, but when I did he got annoyed and said I was emotional, therefore, that frustrated me, and I got more emotional. Just with Mark he told me to always let him know when I was frustrated. Well, I did. Apparently that backfired, didn't it? Why do guys tell you to do something, and when you do, it gets to be too much for them and they bail?

Again, so much has happened in my past that I never have the chance to explain to someone before they bail. If I could explain why I am the way I am, then maybe they would understand the way I am. But I never have that fucking chance. So every time a guy ruins me, I put up another wall. And I have yet to find a guy that can climb those walls and make it over the other side. So every time a guy (or person) hurts me, another wall goes up. How will I ever find a guy to get past all these walls? I thought it was Mark. I don't know.

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