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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: Fake Fantasies

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01/09/2022

I haven't written in months. Not because I haven't wanted to. Not because I haven't had the time. I just... haven't. And to be honest, I should've been. Because it's always when I'm at my breaking point that I finally do write, and I think that maybe I wouldn't be in so deep if I had been writing.

It's been almost 6 months since Mark last talked to me. I still miss him. I still think about him every fucking day. I still cry about him here and there, but this last week has really taken a toll on me, and I don't know why. There has to be something to trigger why I'm all of a sudden crying myself to sleep, or crying while watching a tv show, or while I'm coming home from shopping.

I still think back to that last conversation we had. I still question how he could apologize and say he missed me, and then to stop talking to me. I still question how what I said was the final straw. How what I said could've been that bad. Once in a while I wonder if he's dead. I wonder if that's why I never heard from him, because he got into a car accident right after he picked up his phone and died. But I thought the same thing when Tom stopped talking to me, didn't I? But Tom isn't dead. I was just dead to him, and now he's dead to me. I don't want Mark to be dead, but I also don't want to be dead to him.

As much as Mark hurt me, I wonder if he's happy. I hope he is, because I told him he deserved to be happy, and he does. But it kills me to know that he doesn't want to be happy with me. For all I know he patched shit up with his wife and he's finally living happily ever after. I also wonder if he finally got a divorce and he's just taking time for himself, to figure his shit out. But again, he's killing me in the process if he's doing that. I think Mark used work as a distraction from his life at home, and I think he used me as a distraction from everything in general. But he went 5 years without talking to me, and in that 5 years his life sucked. He went 5 years without needing me, so what changed? Why did he choose that specific time in his life to come back to me?

All the time I see people who end things with their spouse and jump right into another relationship, and I think, "Well apparently that marriage meant nothing to them. Apparently, they aren't sad or hurting and need time to heal." But what did I want Mark to do? I wanted him to leave his wife and get a divorce and start something with me ASAP. I still remember when I asked him if he saw a future for us and he didn't exactly hesitate, he just wasn't sure of his answer. And I know that sounds like that means 'no'... I think it meant 'I just need to figure my shit out and be alone for a bit'.

We never went to that football game last month. Obviously. I actually disputed it with my credit card company, saying that when I bought the tickets there weren't any covid vaccine requirements, which wasn't a lie. I'm not vaccinated and had that been a requirement back in July, I would've never bought them. My credit card company did take the transaction off my account, but normally they notify you if it's been approved, but it's been over a month, and I still haven't heard if it's been final. I never should've bought the fucking things, but I was still in denial (and still am) and thought that he would come back in my life within 5 months, and he'd come visit and we'd go to the game and things would be better. I never thought that 6 months later we still wouldn't be talking, and I'd still be crying over him.

I remember months ago, I told myself to give it until January. I told myself that if by January you still hadn't heard from Mark, to get on Tinder or some shit and find someone. I think I told myself this as a joke, because I never thought it'd be January and I wouldn't be talking to Mark. But it's January 9 and my heart still hurts and I can't. I can't go on a date and sit across from someone, because the whole time I will think that this person should be Mark. I can't let some guy inside me, because the entire time I will think, this person should be Mark.

My phone is still on silent 24/7. I still don't look at it very often. It doesn't go to bed with me. I take it to work, but it's in my coat pocket and I honestly forget about it. I could care less who txts me or calls me, because the only name I still want to see on my screen is 'Mark'. I don't talk to anyone. I don't hang out with anyone.

That doesn't all have to do with Mark, I'm just sick of people. I consider myself to have 0 friends. No one invites me to do anything. People will say, 'We should hang out' or 'We should do dinner' but no one ever follows up with that. If it's your idea, you should be the one to initiate it. I haven't seen Jess since June, when I invited her to lunch. I haven't seen Heather and Marcie since the end of September, and I feel like I initiated that. Sheila always says she wants to come visit, but she never does.

Jesus Christ. I just sent Mark another email. I am a fucking idiot.

previous entry: Fake Fantasies

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