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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: Nothing

Fake Fantasies

09/22/2021

I'm at work and all I can think about is Mark.

I mean, I've never stopped thinking about him. But in the last week, I literally cannot stop. And the more I think about him, the more upset I get. I cry all the fucking time.

I've been okay the last month, right? I wasn't crying every fucking day. I wasn't bawling my eyes out. I wasn't crying after every orgasm. I didn't have urges to call him or txt him or email him.

But ever since his fucking birthday, I have been a hot mess. His fucking birthday set me off.

On Monday I sent him a txt. I couldn't fucking help it. I was so upset and I missed him so fucking much. I didn't hear anything from him. I knew I wouldn't.

Yesterday during lunch, I spent almost the entire time writing an email and crying my eyes out. Last night I was going to finish it and send it, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Then I was going to send a short email and told myself not to do it, and I didn't.

But this morning? I couldn't help myself. I sent him an email, telling him I missed him. That was it. But I didn't send it from my hotmail account, in case he blocked me. Nope. I sent it from my gmail account, so he'd get it.

I'm fucking crazy, right?

In December 2015 I thought I had closure. I found out he was married and cheating. He admitted it to me over the phone. I heard him say it. I figured that was the end of it... of us. I always had a feeling he'd be back, but I knew if I never talked to him again, it didn't matter, because he was married. And I thought I moved on from him, even though I never stopped thinking about him while masturbating. I thought I was going to have a future with Tom, but that didn't happen, and I easily went back to thinking about Mark.

Fast forward to December 2020. I heard from him. It was sketchy, so I didn't give it much thought. There wasn't enough for me to get attached and get my hopes up.

June 2021. BOOM.

Do you know what I said to him June 1, within the first 10 minutes of talking to him again? "I've always enjoyed talking to you. It's fun."

It's always fucking fun until someone gets hurt. It's all fun and fucking games until someone gets hurt. I get hurt every single fucking time.

He told me he was a bad guy. He told me he tried to stay away. He told me he was weak for me. He told me he should be sorry.

I didn't listen to a fucking word he said. Because every time he comes back into my life, not only do I think it'll be different, I think I can handle it. If he hurts me again, I think I can handle it. But in the mean time, it's always fun, so I'll humor myself and play along until it kills me.

I can't lie to Mark, and he knows that. He knows I will go back to him every time. Not only can he not stay away from me, I don't make him. Neither one of us can let go.

But I am worried that this time he is finally letting go. The one time I am trying to hold on to him, he is letting go of me.

He knows I am weak for him, too. He knows he is my fucking drug. He doesn't want me to stop using. But he doesn't care when I have to quit cold turkey. He doesn't care that I go into withdrawal.

I remember telling him that I can be miserable and put on a fake face and no one knows a fucking thing is wrong with me. I wish I had been fake with Mark.

It's FINE that you're still married. It's FINE that you're having second thoughts. It's FINE that you forget your phone at restaurants and stores. It's FINE if you leave it in your car. It's FINE if you give it to your wife for the night. It's FINE if you don't txt me back for 12 hours.

If I just pretended that everything was fucking FINE, we'd still be talking.

But I had to be honest with him, didn't I? I had to tell him he was a fucking idiot if he stayed married and wanted to be unhappy the rest of his life. I had to tell him that it wasn't ok to ignore me for hours. I had to tell him that he shouldn't let his wife have his fucking phone and to get a new number.

He told me to never stop telling him how I felt. It didn't fucking matter, did it?

I don't know when I can move on from this. From him. From us. From whatever the fuck we were.

How do I go out on a date with a guy, and sit across from him at dinner, and not think about Mark? How do I fuck some guy, and not think about Mark?

I compared Tom to Mark. I compared Mark to Tom. And in the mix there was also Nick. I compared them all to each other. But Nick never broke my fucking heart, and at this point, he's out of the equation. Tom broke my fucking heart, and I don't want him back. Tom could show up at my door and I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

But you Mark? Break my heart over and over and over. Break it into a million fucking pieces. I will never tell you to leave me alone. Show up at my door and in 1 minute you'd be inside me.

I guess with the next guy that comes into my life, I will fucking fake it. I'll be FINE. There will be nothing wrong with me. He won't see me shed a fucking tear. Maybe he won't fucking leave me. Maybe he won't break my fucking heart.

Mark and I have always been in our little fantasy world. We talk dirty. We describe how we would fuck each other. For the last 15 years I've thought about Mark and everything I'd let him do to me. I can't tell you how many orgasms I've had thinking about Mark. Just the other day I had 6. When was the last time his fucking wife had 6 orgasms thinking about him? Or when was the last time he gave her 6 orgasms?

But it's only a fucking fantasy, right? He goes back to his real world and I go back to mine. He's always gone back to his girlfriend or his wife. The problem is, is that I have always pictured him in my real world. I picture him in my bed, cuddled up next to me as we fall asleep. I picture us eating meals together. I picture us in the car together. I picture us walking the dog. I picture us on vacation.

I don't know why Mark keeps coming back to me. I asked him and he said I was easy to talk to. But I can't remember if that's all he told me and I honestly don't know if that's the whole truth. I don't know if I'm "giving" him what he can't have in real life... the sexual fantasies. Because he can picture it with me and get off on it. He's not doing those things with his wife.

But his marriage has sucked for the last 5-7 years. It's not like he was talking to me that entire time. He didn't reach out to me again until just recently. I know that he has a problem, but again, I'm not telling him no. I don't tell him he has a problem, because I enjoy it too. I get off on it, too. Because it's a fantasy for me, because I'm not getting it in real life either.

That's why I thought it was different this time. He was talking about divorce. He was talking about visiting me. I feel like every time it was brought up, he mentioned it first. I heard him fucking say he wanted to visit. Not since San Diego has he mentioned visiting me and bringing it up first. It was different.

I was a fucking fool for believing him. But again... I WANT him to talk to me again.

I know that I have a fucking problem, too. I'm not putting all the blame on Mark, but I'm also not putting all the blame on myself. There is a lot going on inside my head that I've never dealt with. There is a lot of hurt I've never dealt with. I know I didn't treat Mark the greatest. I gave him a lot of shit for things that had nothing to do with him.

But I thought if I explained things, he would understand and it would make things better. But it didn't matter, because he didn't realize he was doing those things until I pointed them out. And I kept pointing them out, thinking it would make things better and it made things worse.

It got so fucking hard and we were in this fucking cycle that we couldn't get out of. I always talk about couples that are both in treatment and they are toxic for each other. I feel like Mark and I are toxic for each other.

I remember back in June, looking up the Mercury Retrograde. Mine said something along the lines of someone coming back into my life, and it ending the way it did in the past. I immediately thought of Mark. Things ended badly between us the last time. I knew we were fucked, but I didn't want to believe it.

Because things were fucking different this time, RIGHT!?

Even typing this I feel like a fucking crazy person. If you could hear me say this, you'd think I was fucking crazy.

Either crazy or just fucking hurt and heart broken. STILL.

I know I'm fucking depressed and I'm sure I need help, but I don't need a fucking professional to tell me that. I don't want pills MAKING me happy. I don't need someone to tell me to delete every txt message, to block his phone number, or for me to get a new phone number and email so he can never contact me again.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THAT! I want Mark to always be able to get in touch with me. And no one will ever be able to understand that. Mark his this hold over me and I don't know why and I don't know how to get over it.

I know I'm a fucking idiot. I know I'm stupid for always letting him be the one in control, because he is. He's always the one that leaves, and he's always the one that comes back. I didn't tell him that specifically, but I did tell him we only talk when it's convenient for him. I told him it wouldn't matter anyways, that even if I had sent a txt when I first woke up, he still wouldn't see it for another 3 hours. I told him we never talked until he txted me first. I told him that we talk on the phone, but only when it worked for him, and he always had to get back to work or run a fucking errand. He said that it was true. That that is how things did work between us.

I constantly wonder why God had him come back into my life, and only for 41 fucking days. But I also think, why did God HAVE him come back into my life. Does that even make sense? Like why did God have Mark txt me? What was the reason for me being back in his life? I always think why was he back in mine, right? But what purpose did I serve being back in his?

Did I make him realize I'm fucking crazy and he's better off staying married? Or did I make him realize he's fucking stupid for staying married and being unhappy? Did I make him realize he wants a fucking divorce, but he wants nothing to do with me?

I don't know. And it kills me.

I don't hate Mark. I honestly want what's best for him. I still want him to be happy. How big of a heart does someone have to have to still want the best for someone who has fucking ruined them?

I wonder if he still thinks of me. Does he still think of me when he masturbates? Does he still think of me in general? Like watching tv together, or coming to visit, or going to concerts?

Does he remember me telling him not to disappear again? Does he think he can't talk to me ever again because he knows he hurt me? I don't want that. I don't want him to think that he hurt me so bad that I wouldn't want to talk to him again.

I know for a fact, that if he ever called me or txted me again, that I would cry. I would cry from relief. I would cry from happiness. I know I would cry from being upset with how he treated me. But I know I wouldn't ignore him.

I am so fucking miserable. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. The only person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me. The person that has me hurting and crying is the only person I want to talk to.

I can't keep faking it.

MARK... Are you reading this? Please come back...

previous entry: Nothing

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