DeVisualise Add Fave Search
Not Logged In
Your Username:
Your Password:

[ sign up | recover ]

In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: Not Easier

365 days


It's been 365 days since Mark last talked to me. An entire trip around the sun. I wonder how many tears I've cried. How many ounces or possibly gallons.

I still miss him. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. I'm sick of reading books that have a character with that name. I'm sick of watching tv shows that have a character with that name. I'm sick of reading magazine articles where an expert has that name. Until 1 year ago it never phased me. Now I can't get away from it.

Last year on July 11, the weather was shitty. I wasn't able to be in my pool. If I was, things would've turned out a lot differently. This year on July 11 the weather was gorgeous.

Last week I read this book and it destroyed me. The last few chapters were the worst and afterwards I cried my eyes out. My life is not a book. There is no happy ending. Had I read that book 1 year and 1 week ago, it wouldn't have affected me the way it did. It's funny what kind of an impact a book can have on you depending on what you're going through in life.

I hardly dream about him anymore. I can go months without having one. Last month I had a dream about Tom, similar to one I had in the past. He tries to come back into my life and I want nothing to do with him. A few weeks later I had one about Mark, and it was similar to one I had in the past. He's still with his wife and I'm 2nd best. The worst part about this dream? He was still married and seeing another girl and I was now 3rd best. I have never been #1 to Mark. And just like in real life, he still comes crawling to me. It's like it doesn't matter how many girls he has, he still comes back, but I am never THE best. I am never the ONLY best.

I just want to know when my heart will stop hurting. I just want to know when I will stop replaying July 11, 2021 over and over and over.


previous entry: Not Easier

0 likes, 0 comments

(no comments accepted)

Add Comment

Add Comment

Please enter the following WHITE digits in the box below.

Confirmation Code

No comments.

Diary added to your faves.
Online Friends
Offline Friends