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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: 365 days

A lot


I'm not utilizing this that often and I know I should be. I just don't have the energy some days. It's not like I don't have the time, because believe me, I do...

On March 27 Grandpa Ted passed away peacefully in his sleep at 89 years old. Last Fall he did have a small stroke and he had been sick and in the hospital a few times this last year for pneumonia, I just don't think anyone was prepared for him to pass away when he did. It's hard to accept when people are mentally ok and physically ok. The night before he was watching the basketball game and wondering about his lottery tickets. I had a lot of guilt (and still do) because I hadn't seen him since around Christmas. He was staying with Aunt Sallie, who is only 45 minutes away, and in those 3 months I couldn't carve out an afternoon to go visit him. You always think you have more time, right? I felt like a zombie at his funeral. I felt like I wasn't as sad as when Grandma Connie died. I didn't even hug my fucking Dad. It's hard knowing that there will be no more family gatherings in their house. That soon someone else will own it.

Work is work. I go and do what I have to do and collect my paycheck. A lot of my co-workers annoy me. I can't stand any of the supervisors. They don't care that someone who has been there for 10 years (not me, someone else), is making less money than someone who just started and their job has less requirements. We've been getting bigger raises these last few years, and these bonuses from grants, so they just throw that in your face and say you should be grateful. But at what point does your loyalty to a place pay off? At what point do you make more money than people in certain positions or with certain degrees because you've been there for so long? Last year mostly everyone got a 10% raise, depending on your hire date. Those that didn't qualify for that, STILL got a 9% raise because the pay scale changed. I'm just sick of wasting my breath on things that no one cares about. Even things involving the clients the supervisors don't care about. I told two of the other clerical girls that if the supervisors don't care, then I can't care either. I've been there 7.5 years, the other girl has been there around 8.5 and the other has been there 10. We are just sick of everything. Sadly because of all of these raises, we know we can't go anywhere else and make as much money. Since it's just me and I'm paying everything on my own, I can't take a pay cut.

It is almost pool season, which I should be happy about. I mean, I am, it's just frustrating sometimes owning a pool by yourself. The weekend before Grandpa passed away it was REALLY windy. The pool cover blew off and I had to call Dad. We were able to put the cover back on, but didn't do it until a week later, because of everything going on. I noticed a small hole in it, so I had to put flex tape on it just to make it last 2 more months. But now that pool cover can't be used again and I only got 1 season out of it. Now there is more crap in my pool that I have to get out. I don't know if I can still use my pool filter. Last year I noticed I couldn't screw it on the entire way. It was the last day, so I didn't worry about it. So I don't know if I should try to use it, or buy a new one. If I try to use it and it doesn't work, then I had to tear everything apart to hook up a new one. Again, it's frustrating when it's just you trying to figure shit out.

I feel like my body is failing me. My knees hurt. I can hardly crouch anymore. It wouldn't surprise me if I need surgery. I've had this small lump on the upper part of my back/neck for years and it hasn't bothered me. No issues with it, so I assumed it was a cyst. Well, this last week something has been bothering me to notice this even more. I don't know if it's what I've been doing at work, which makes my neck hurt, so then I rubbed this spot and now this lump is more noticeable. I don't know if it's because it's gotten bigger, or because I just won't leave it alone that I notice it more. I keep touching it to make sure it hasn't gotten bigger, so I think because I'm touching it it kind of makes the area red and makes the area hurt. Because I don't remember this bothering me last weekend. Last weekend I helped Dad finish something and went out to eat and I don't remember worrying about this. Then I look in the mirror and wonder if it's stuck out and been this noticeable before. Maybe it has but it hasn't bothered me, I just know it's there. I've been debating whether to go get a yearly physical and bring this up. I just worry that it is something. I worry that they want to do something, and it'll interfere with being in the pool. So I know I should go figure it out NOW and then I'll stop worrying about it and hopefully it'll be taken care of before Summer. But I HATE the fucking doctor... I'm sure this is my body telling me something is wrong and I need to suck it up and go.

Way back in January I had a few dreams about Mark. In the one dream he tried calling me and I didn't know he was going to and accidently denied his call because I was doing something on my phone. I tried calling him back but he didn't answer and I txted him telling him to pick up, that I didn't mean to deny it. Then in the other dream he was txting me, but then his wife sent a txt, saying that it had only been 1.5 years this time and he was reaching out to me again. So the first dream was too fucking realistic, because that basically happened, except I purposely denied his phone call. The other dream was accurate in that at the time it was 1.5 years since he had talked to me. But he always seems to come back, right?

Just a few nights ago I had a dream about Tom where he sent a facebook message wanting to come back and apologized for what he did. I remember reading it and not responding, annoyed that he reached out. Once in a while I creep on his Facebook page. He's still married, but it doesn't look like they have any kids together, still just the two she had. Apparently, his brother moved and wouldn't take their 12 year old dog, but took their other, so Tom took it. Then I saw another post where they had another dog that needed surgery and started a GoFundMe. Claimed they were living paycheck to paycheck (shocker) and couldn't get a pet loan (shocker). Then I saw where he fell on the ice (again) and needed stiches. Overall, I think I dodged a bullet.

I just read my entry from last July where I had similar dreams. Mark comes back but is still with his wife. Tom comes back and apologizes and wants me back, but I want nothing to do with him. Dreams don't lie. It's hard to believe that it's been almost 2 years since Mark reached out to me again. I still think about him and I still miss him.

previous entry: 365 days

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