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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: Not Easier

365 days

07/11/2022

It's been 365 days since Mark last talked to me. An entire trip around the sun. I wonder how many tears I've cried. How many ounces or possibly gallons.

I still miss him. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. I'm sick of reading books that have a character with that name. I'm sick of watching tv shows that have a character with that name. I'm sick of reading magazine articles where an expert has that name. Until 1 year ago it never phased me. Now I can't get away from it.

Last year on July 11, the weather was shitty. I wasn't able to be in my pool. If I was, things would've turned out a lot differently. This year on July 11 the weather was gorgeous.

Last week I read this book and it destroyed me. The last few chapters were the worst and afterwards I cried my eyes out. My life is not a book. There is no happy ending. Had I read that book 1 year and 1 week ago, it wouldn't have affected me the way it did. It's funny what kind of an impact a book can have on you depending on what you're going through in life.

I hardly dream about him anymore. I can go months without having one. Last month I had a dream about Tom, similar to one I had in the past. He tries to come back into my life and I want nothing to do with him. A few weeks later I had one about Mark, and it was similar to one I had in the past. He's still with his wife and I'm 2nd best. The worst part about this dream? He was still married and seeing another girl and I was now 3rd best. I have never been #1 to Mark. And just like in real life, he still comes crawling to me. It's like it doesn't matter how many girls he has, he still comes back, but I am never THE best. I am never the ONLY best.

I just want to know when my heart will stop hurting. I just want to know when I will stop replaying July 11, 2021 over and over and over.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

previous entry: Not Easier

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