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What's your secret?
by BloopSecrets

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Why I'm Still Here


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There are times when my cat is the only thing that keeps me from ending my own life. I figure my boyfriend can take care of himself if I'm gone. He doesn't need me. My cat, however, is utterly dependent upon me, and I can't let him down.

Oh, and I wish I could leave the US because the political and social scene here has just gone down the toilet, but I don't have the qualifications to leave and start a new life somewhere else. That's part of why I feel such despair and hopelessness and sometimes think I should just end it all.

previous entry: I Don't Even LIKE Him Anymore

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I believe sometimes you have to fake being happy until you actually are. You can't change some circumstances, but you can change how you view them. It's necessary, sometimes, to get where you need to be. [Unauthorized] [reply]

If homeless people don't want to kill themselves, there's no reason you should. [LADY ANON SOURCEStar] [reply]

You know, that's funny, because I think the same way about the US time to time. About how this country's values have gone to sh*t and I want to get out before it gets REALLY bad.. But I can't. I personally take solace in the cowardly thought that "At least it's not likely to happen in MY lifetime". Not sure if that'll help you at all though.

As for the overall message, I agree with Unauthorized completely. As stupid as it sounds, sometimes you have to "fake it" until you really are happy, because putting an honest effort into faking it kind of changes your perspective and makes you see things from a more positive light, which in turn actually MAKES you happy for real. It doesn't hurt to try... Cats don't live forever :/ [Poetic Justice] [reply]

I feel like I could have written this entry.

What I'm doing: giving my cat to a friend for them to take care of her--- and then I'm traveling for a year. Just packing up a backpack and going. I plan on "woofing" (working on organic farms). It's volunteer work--- I have no qualifications, but if you can do manual labor, you can do this, too. [LN] [reply]

thats when you are selfish to end your life and leaving people with pain that you have been so depressed and wanting to kill yourself... get some help or go see someone and talk to them...

i am a daughter of a dad who has killed himself because he was so selfish and ran away from life...

you can do it! [The Dreaming Wife ] [reply]

There's help out there.
Depression is a fact of life for many people. For a majority of people its a constant battle to keep it subdued just enough to keep going.
Someone would take care of your cat.
Or what if your cat dies?
You need a reason to stay alive that isn't dependent on anyone else... you need to want to live for yourself.
I often find that when I hit a slump and start feeling like this, change is the best medicine... [Lady Lazarus] [reply]

Dear Writer:
I have actually been reading these lately and a few of them I feel, well I feel like I could help. Step one for anyone giving advice here is... Don't Judge!

Don't tell the person how selfish they are being, Don't tell the person to fake it till the make it... because Depression is a very real thing... You cannot fake happy.. I've been trying for years and I'm still suffering from depression. The ONLY thing that helps for me is therapy. Some people do good on medications... you could try that.

Yeah the US sucks... but they do say that the grass is always greener on the other side. You'll never have as much freedom in any other country than you do in the USA.

Yes life sucks! Life can suck hard and leave you with one hell of a hicky as a reminder... but it isn't insurmountable.

I have been on the edge of the cliff you are standing on... even surrounded by my husband and my children and yes, even my cats... I have been on that precipace ready to free fall.. and I've come close a couple of times... but when we are in this state of mind... it's so hard to see the light at the end of a very long, dark, sseemingly endless tunnel.

We all have reasons to feel hopelessness and despair... but please realize that no matter where you go, you are gonna have a problem with the social scene because how you perceive social scenes is actually your own mind... it's not the crowd that surrounds you.

As for politics... who cares???? Unless you are a politician, most likely you won't be seriously effected by political climate.

But NO person should ever say to a person who is feeling this depressed to just 'get over it'--which is essentially how I view someone saying fake being happy. Depression isn't just physical, it isn't just 'in one's head' so to speak. Depression can be chemical in nature... which is where anti depressants come in. I've tried pretty much all of them, they don't work for me...

Let me tell you a small quip about me so you know I know how you feel okay:

I am a domestic violence survivor, I'm an adult child of alcoholics, I am a victim of child abuse, I am a victim of severe bullying (which is why I now advocate so strongly to help prevent it by organizing a FB page for the cause). I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (the military deployed me in 2004 and I was already diagnosed with it...big mistake on their end it made it worse)... I also suffer from Depression and Social Anxiety (though I tested for Avoidant Personality Disorder--so take your pick).

I had myself hospitalized in October of 2010... I was in the hospital for 9 days I think. I realized I was having suicidal thoughts and that the thoughts were starting to get serious and I took action to get help.... it takes what seems like a lifetime to build up that kind of strength to know when to ask for help and to actually do it.

I don't know if you are a Christian. I'm by no means trying to push off religion on you by any means. But religious or not... perhaps if I may... the song has Christian undertones... it is a country song... but it's by Martina McBride and it's called "God's Will"... listen to the song if you can find it... it might help.

I do agree however with changing how you view circumstances and if you can't seem to find a way to do that.. that's where a therapist comes in ... they can HELP you learn the tools to do this.

I'm irked a little though because one of my peeves is when people immediately judge someone who is quite clearly crying out for emotional support. They Want HELP. They are reaching out... it's terrible if someone is on the edge of the cliff and you find out they fell because instead of gripping their hand, you were too busy telling them how stupid and selfish it was for them to get up on the cliff in the first place.

I want to add one more thing before I go...

I used to have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis... they were a part of my waking world as much as anything else around me... These days I rarely have those thoughts (the only time is when I hit rock bottom again), the trick is forcing yourself to pause... if you feel these thoughts coming on... try to envision a stop sign or say quietly outloud 'stop'... that surprising, can stop this kind of thinking.

As for another helpful commenter saying "If homeless people don't kill themselves, there's no reason you should" --first, that's not helpful.. what do you think a lot of homeless people are doing by boozing it up... they are slowly killing themselves in an effort to dull the pain of having absolutely nothing to you but the clothes on your back and your name. And sadly a lot of those homeless people are victims of the economy and even before that quite a few were United States Veterans (something else I'm passionate about).

Who says homeless people don't kill themselves? I'm sure plenty have!

Cats are a good source of comfort... hold onto that furry friend of yours... I have two ginormous cats... and I wouldn't trade either of them for anything with as much comfort that they give me.

Also... outside of your feline friend (because honestly... anything living can die that is true--again, swiping a snippet from what someone else said about trying to find a way to be dependant on you)... in a sense each and every single one of us in co-dependant in some way to some person, place or even thing... Gosh... you had to have had a favorite toy, doll, blanket when you were little.... What inanimate object do you think would bring you the most comfort? Try to think up on that one.. since this is annonymous, I know that I won't know how you are doing after I leave this comment.

But in closing, I want you to know... you are NOT alone in the world. Have people had it worse than you? That's actually something one cannot judge because events in the course of one person's lifetime might be more of a thing to them than they would be to someone else and vice versa. Simply because we all do not think alike, none of us were raised in a factory where we were assembled and programmed there... NO.... we were assembled in a small, enclosed factory, as we grew and changed we were programmed essentially to be whatever our parents (or caregivers) wanted us to be... but being human and not robot... we sometimes rebelled to find our own voice... sometimes we didn't and sometimes we did so halfway.

Do you have any living parents? Sisters? Brothers? Nieces? Nephews? Grandparents? or is it just your Boyfriend (If so that's okay too... all I have left in MY life--not the life I share with my husband but MY life... are just my kids, my two cats, my two hamsters and my husband.--I lost my parents to a tragic accident but not a car accident or boat or train or plane... it was their own pride and jealousy and hatred that I lost htem to. )

But see that, I've written you this huge long note (which I'm sure comes off as a whole bunch of just... never ending words.... but I am trying to show you how I have been in your shoes, many times... but I didn't wear them to my grave and I'm so glad I was too chicken shit to go through with it. I don't want YOU to be brave enough to do it. Please!

Stay strong. Look inside yourself and as hard as it is.... and I want you to do something else for me besides listening to the song I mentioned... I want you to start by listing one good thing about yourself... then if you have another list that one too... go one by one... I'm not going to give you this goal of .. you must write 10 things that are positive about you. I'll help you with the first one:

1. (Just from my observation of this entry) By the way you speak of your cat... I can clearly see you love him as though he were a child or a member of your family (as any pet owner should by the by)... so clearly you love animals and I think that is a very valient and noble trait.

See, I'm a complete stranger... and I have ONE down for you now...see how much of a list you can get together.

Don't just try to fish them out of yourself....Think about what positive things others have said about you. Write those down too (They count for the purpose of this 'assignment' if you will)... what these positive things will become for you is an affirmation list...

When you are having a bad thought (such as putting yourself down, thinking of hurting or killing yourself..those sorts of things)... pull out your positive thoughts list and try saying one of the positive statements either to yourself without speaking or to yourself speaking quietly enough that people don't overhear (though who cares if they do *Don't think 'I Do'*... I walk around the grocery store having conversations with myself to get through the anxiety.

The positive list might not even work for you... but try it... try to listen to that song... try to come up with your own personal 'pick me up' playlist to listen to when times get tough. Whatever you find soothing. Find the ONE thing that helps YOU!!!!

But FIND your own inner strength... you can do this! I have faith in you!!!

--again noting: I don't know you or your real bloop name... but I only hope and pray that my advice was at least a little bit helpful. If it wasn't... I will pray for you! Take care hun... You are going to be OKAY!! I promise! [Behind.Brown.EyesStar] [reply]

previous entry: I Don't Even LIKE Him Anymore

next entry: We Both Know We Are Doing Something Wrong