i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say. | 05/28/2011 |
I wish I knew what to believe. Every time I think I have it figured out, every time I think I know the right choice to make, he throws me for a loop. I've attempted to quit, to be done, to end what has technically never started, but each time I try, he stops me. I give him ways out, all the time. I told him that I realized that he's better off as my friend, because the chasing I do gets me nowhere, and you know what he tells me? He tells me that if only I knew. What exactly am I supposed to know? I have no idea, because that part he doesn't tell me. I hate him at times for doing this. I really do. He's important to me, I appreciate and value him in a way that I don't many other people, but when he says things like that, I want to stop knowing him all together. I'm not looking for us to ride off into the sunset, I'm really not, all I want is for him to say something, anything. I want him to take the outs I give him. I want him to apologize for not feeling the same way that I do. I want him to tell me that he's still my friend, that I can still count on him, that he still cares about me. Does he do any of that though? No. Never. Instead, he's implies things that make it seem like he's just leading me on. Sometimes, he makes me feel like I have no real value to him, like I'm just some girl that he happens to know that he enjoys fucking with. I really don't want to think that way about him. I don't want to think that he's just some asshole who likes playing with a girls emotions, but he leaves me no choice, sometimes. I don't want to end up without him in my life, because I get to dramatic, or because he's too wishy-washy. I just don't know what to do to make sure that that doesn't happen. Sometimes, I'm afraid that that's happening already. I get annoyed by him too quickly, at times. He gets annoyed by me too quickly, at times. I'm afraid this limbo area we're in is going to have a consequence that I'm not going to favor, and I can't seem to figure out a way to prevent it from happening.
Shannon
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