and i know you're about to let me down. | 06/11/2011 |
Dear Self,
You're not allowed to care anymore. You're not allowed to secretly hope that you actually matter, and that he's not just playing nice because he sees you so much. You're not allowed to want to text him or hope he texts you. You're not allowed to want anything to do with him, outside of wanting him to do his job when you work together.
Now, Self, before you get all worried that you sound crazy or are overreacting, I want you to sit back and look at things (from your point of view). He started this. He was just someone you had always valued. Someone you were always happy to run into again, but someone that you NEVER bothered looking at in any other way. He asked you "the" question. He told you to consider thinking of "the" question, and you did. Maybe, he asked it as a joke. Maybe it was a test to see if he was as hot as he thinks he is. Whatever the real reason may be, you're never going to know. Stop fretting over that. Actually, move past that. You thought about it though. You considered it. And you realized, you're like a dude when it comes to shoes, you can look at them, buy them, and move onto another pair. So you were sold. Now comes the time for him to say he meant what he said, but never follow through with any action. This is the first time that your emotions were f'ed with, and being a female, you responded emotionally. You weren't that excited when you saw him. You acted like he was an annoyance. You behaved as MOST females would have (even if it was out of YOUR character to behave like that). Now, if he just would've followed his question with action, everything that followed could've been prevented. EVERYTHING.
Self, let's talk about the moment you realized that you had feelings. When you realized that somewhere, somehow, you caught feelings. You didn't just wake up one day and realize you had them. It was a gradual thing. It was realizing that you missed him when you didn't see him. That you hated when you didn't hear from him, even though you HATE hearing form ANYONE everyday. It was when you had moments where you were afraid to say/do something, because he made you a little nervous. It was when your sister called you out on it, and looked at you and said: "I've only ever wanted it to work out with 2 of the boys you've ever liked. Jake, because he's Jake. He's THE boy. And this boy, because I can tell he makes you happy, and because I like him." And then Self, you did something you've NEVER done before, you TOLD him how you felt. You were up front with your feelings. You trusted him enough to, in a way, trust him with your feelings. He was your friend before he was anything else, so he was worth trusting. He said he didn't believe you. He said you don't act like it. He said a bunch of things that made it seem like he wanted to take the pressure off himself from responding, and put it back on you to "prove" it. Maybe he just didn't want to believe you. Another girl to add to the list of girls he'll have to let down. So, you withdrew. That's what you do. You were open, you were honest, and you were shut down. So you withdrew. You tried again to tell him. You even asked him for advice on himself with him knowing you were talking about him, and nothing still. More of your emotions being played with. More of him not being up front. You were always up front with him, Self, always, and I know you were hoping the same would come from him. You knew you shouldn't push a response. Whenever someone pushes someone into a corner, the outcome's NEVER good, but that wasn't what you were trying to do. All you really wanted to hear was SOMETHING. It didn't have to be major. It could've been the smallest of small things, but it still would've been something. You NEVER got that though. You got the lines of game player, "who said I'd let you down? Who said I didn't fancy you back?" Those just sounded like lines he would give to anyone to keep them around to feed an ego, and that's when you were done. Not with liking him, just with him. You no longer felt like you could trust him. You felt like he took something that was valuable to you, and used it to his advantage. Maybe he didn't? Don't expect to ever find out though, because he's never going to tell you.
I know you hate that you've lost a friend. That you drive yourself crazy, because you know you're acting crazy and that's not like you. I know you feel like you're being overdramatic, and that this boy shouldn't waste his time on you because you're nuts. Here's the thing, Self, if he just would've been up front with you, in the beginning, the minute he found out you caught feelings, you wouldn't have acted like a girl and over thought any of this. You'd still have him as your friend, and he'd still think you were worth having as a friend. Maybe he would've just turned into a younger version of your favorite (non-related) person. That didn't happen though. This did, instead.
Lastly, Self, you're worth more than this. I know you valued him. Adored him. Held in a high regard. Maybe that was your first mistake. Maybe you valued him in a way that he NEVER valued you. Just remember, he's still someone who's an amazing co-worker. He can still be someone who's swell to work with. Just remember to leave him at the door when you walk out of the building. Don't take him home with you.
Also remember, there's 2 sides to every story.
Signed,
Self
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