This is the most I've updated in a year
or so, but I really need to get this off my chest. Warning, there will
probably be a lot of rambling.
In my last entry, I had taken a pregnancy test and it came back
positive. I was spotting, and the accuracy of the test was questionable
so I went to the doctor.
By time I got there, I was bleeding heavily, worse than a normal period.
My back was killing me.
I was cramping so bad I was in tears.
They ran tests and said there was hcg in my system but was very low.
They said 'it was just a chemical pregnancy' and that I was miscarrying.
(A chemical pregnancy is basically it's early enough in the
pregnancy for it to be detectable by a at-home pregnancy test and/or
blood test, but cannot be detected on an ultrasound.)
It just broke my heart. 'Just a chemical pregnancy'? Like it
doesn't count? To me, it implies that it's nothing to grieve about.
I told my close friends and family and mostly heard
'It happens all the time' or 'You didn't know for very long' or even 'It wasn't even a baby yet'
This happened about a week ago, and I have been in a trance since.
I can't get it off my mind. I don't feel like getting out of bed.
Miscarriage is like a taboo topic nowadays. Like you should just go on with your life and act like nothing happened.
Like you're expected to buck up and pretend the life lost never existed in the first place.
I know we're not in the best situation financially right now, and I'm fully aware of what it means to have a child.
Not just the cute and fun part. But I can't explain how happy I was when I saw that little blue line.
And I can't explain how low I've been feeling.
And I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one understands.
No one gets that, yes I only knew I was pregnant for a short time,
but it still hurts. A lot. I cry anytime I think or talk about it.
I don't want any pity or anything like that.
I want someone to understand how much I want to have a child,
how happy I was to see a positive test,
how crushed I was when I figured out what was happening.
Here I am having to pretend it's a normal day in my life,
when I fell as though I'm going through hell as I've just lost my child.
I'm not trying to downplay miscarriage later in the pregnancy, 10 weeks, 12 weeks, even later.
I'm just saying, I may have only been a couple weeks but it hurts as well.
The only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you,
is having to pretend you lost nothing.
I'm sorry for all that. I just really needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.