So I vaguebooked today. But I did come clean about it in a comment (thanks Raen for keeping me accountable). But I'll come completely clean about it here.
I live in a nice enough town in a nice enough area. I moved here over a year ago for work, to begin my teaching career. I like the schools I work in, the students I work with, and the teachers I aid and work alongside. But I'm alone, and I'm lonely. A year and a half in, and I've tried to make friends, but making friends post-school has been a terrible trial that I'm just not good at. I don't have time for the reading club I joined (I tutor English and barely am able to read the books I teach), I don't have the money to join the karate class I wanted to join, I don't have the money to play the tabletop game there's a club in the area for... Basically the only extracurricular anything I do is play video games and smoke the odd (one a month, if that) cigar at the (relatively) local humidor.
Sure, I've met people. Two teachers I worked with last year became work friends, but they have lives and we have barely exchanged information. I'm sure that's my own fault for not taking the leap. One is married with young kids and lives almost an hour away from me, and the other is ten years my senior, divorced with two kids... I'm 32 and barely begun my life, or so it feels, and I'm drifting. I "made friends" with two friends of a girl I tried to date, but I have to agree with the consensus that that's a bit weird, especially since I haven't heard from her in two weeks and they're just Facebook creepers, it seems. They're also 8 years my junior, but I guess that doesn't really matter these days. At least our politics seem on par.
I had a conversation today with an old friend that asked me the question: Where do you see your best self? And when you find out where and who that is, go there. And that got me to thinking. I'm sure if I could find a partner hear, I'd be happy, but that's another issue in itself--namely that defining myself based on my relationship status and attaching my friend-empty life to another person is simply not healthy. But I miss my people. Not just people--I'm a teacher and tutor; I'm around people most every day. But I miss my people. I have friends anywhere from 45 min to 5 hours away, but none within easy driving distance. So I've been thinking that maybe I ought to relocate myself again. Leave this place and either return to somewhere close my origin, or move to the city my brother lives in, or move to where some of my more recent friends are.
Career-wise, it would be better to move to the former two, as I have a desire to join the naval reserve and the latter would not make that easier. I get along really well with my brother and his friends, but they've all got their own lives, are getting engaged or married, having kids, etc. I could move "home", but again any friends there have their own things going on, and the last time I moved back in with my mother our relationship almost didn't survive. The nostalgia I feel for that area does not match what the area is, or really ever was--I just have the same nostalgia a lot of people feel for their high school days.
So largely, I'm feeling listless. I'm not making this decision for the next few months. I'll see out the school year at the very least and make a decision closer to then, but really it's going to be based on whether or not I find a partner or find friends here. I'm tired of living in a town I know no one in, of being relatively young and sitting at home all Saturday, my only day off, doing basically nothing (housework, I guess), and feeling like I went to university for six years so I could work and wallow in self-pity.
At least I don't want to kill myself like I did in the job I left to go to university!