I feel like I am suffocating for any reason that is unknown to me. I want to tell Josh to get rid of the dog, I don't want my camera, I don't want to go to school, I want to be left alone but most of all I just want to be happy.
I don't know whats wrong with me. I lost my mind last night with the dog while Claire was losing her own mind. He wouldn't shut up, he ran and tore crap up when I was trying to get him to kennel up, just not behaving at all. Josh was on his way home from volunteering and when he got home I had Claire set up with a bottle, the dog in the kennel and I was sitting on the couch staring out the window crying.
I think first of all the dog was a bad impulsive move. I want a puppy so bad, but I cannot handle him right now. I could when we first got him but since this PPD or whatever is going on set in I can't. But even when I told Josh after he peed on his foot to get rid of him he wouldn't. He is still young enough we could get our money back on him but I think he thinks like me. I feel like he would be the second epic fail dog we have had. Molly got vicious and I wasn't about to have her around the baby and now I am losing my mind and cannot deal with this one. I can tell you now if he goes this will be the last dog we ever get.
Josh told me yesterday that we are taking Claire to his mom's on Friday and leaving her there for the night so we could come back to town and do something just us. Not have to sleep with a monitor on, get up and feed or change. Saturday is the air show and his parents are coming out for that anyways so they will just bring her back with them. But I don't know that I am ready to leave her somewhere overnight yet. I know I need to but I don't know that I can.
Everything right now is just overwhelming I think and I hope it passes soon. As neglectful as I think it is if the dog gets worse he will become Josh's responsibility. Claire is mine. If he is bad during the day he will just get kenneled and let out to eat and pee that is all there is too it. I can't do anything else, I cannot handle him right now. And it is weird because yes don't get me wrong I would love for her to stop screaming at me when she is upset but I am patient forever with Claire, I just cannot handle Mauer. She can do anything and I am fine, I lose my mind with him. Josh starts ALS next week and won't be home as much , I don't know what will happen maybe it is going to take me breaking down with him again to make him let me get rid of the dog. He was the perfect puppy for us but at the most imperfect time. I feel like a failure.
Hopefully my biopsy results come back early and they call me this week or something so I can make an appointment for that and to get this figured out. I don't like wanting to cry all the time, waking up crying, wanting to sleep every chance I get and just being miserable in general. It isn't me. It isn't who I am. I mean I get upset but never like this. Someone save me please - ugh