I feel like I am losing my mind anymore. The other night I finally broke down to Josh, I couldn't help it. I left him with Claire and the dog so I could go shower and I just felt like breaking down in there. So when I got out it was clearly written on my face. Poor guy kept asking what he had done. If I was mad at him. I told him no, but never really elaborated. There had been a show we were watching earlier in the night that the girl was on meds for depression and stuff. I told him I thought I needed meds and he kinda blew it off as a joke like yeah right whatever.
We went to bed and I still felt the same. I asked him why it was he thought he had done something wrong and he just said I came down from the shower different, though he couldn't really pin it down and it was the first thing he thought to ask. Then I couldn't hold it in no more I finally broke and I told him I was serious about what I said about the meds. I want to cry so much anymore and I don't know why. I live a great life, he gives me everything I need and almost everything I want even though sometimes I have to wait. I pretty much ALWAYS eventually get it. I have my beautiful baby what could be so wrong?
Marie thinks that I have PPD and just haven't really noticed it until now. Josh thinks we just took on too much at once. We have Claire, a puppy, he starts leadership training this month as well as testing for staff, I start school and all the things that go with that ridiculous process. School alone has been hell on me trying to get things done when no one wants to help me or get back to me. I finally got everything done on my own and have my testing date scheduled so I can register for my courses. Now just to figure out what I want to do with myself. Nursing or just get my liberal arts and transfer after two years. Ugh.
I guess maybe it is both. I went for my biopsy and colposcopy yesterday and in two weeks they will call for an appointment to discuss the results. I figure if it doesn't pass by then as just moodiness I will bring it up. I think my biggest fear is I don't want to be my mom. But PPD can be a temporary disorder , that doesn't mean I will be a med head for the rest of my life.
Speaking of the colposcopy that sucked. She took two biopsies. One of the inside of the cervix and one on the out. I guess the inside is standard since she can't really see in there. The outside they usually only take if they see something abnormal so apparently she did. Hopefully it is nothing and if it is something it is still early enough to do something about.
Most days I feel like an emotional wreck. I think I would be more understanding of it myself if I knew why. If I felt like I had an excuse but I can't find one that I can justify. Thank god for my understanding husband, he just wants me to get help if I need it and if meds are the answer then they are the answer. He wants me to be happy but I can't be if I don't know why I am not.