So. At least for today nothing a whole lot interesting is going on to talk about. I called the other day finally and bit the dust to make an appointment with the Dr to find out if I have post partum or am going completely insane. It is tomorrow morning at 9am, I can't believe how nervous I am. Like I said before though I think I associate any kind of depression with my mom and I don't want to be here. Even if this is only temporary it scares the crap out of me that I might have to be on pills or that I feel like her.
I watched my recorded episode of "Losing it with Jillian" last night with Joshua. I love her, she is so hard nosed but she really does have a good heart underneath it all. We were watching the part where the daughter was dress shopping for her wedding and Josh made some comment about how he could never go dress shopping because we would be there for hours and I snarked back " Don't worry you will never have to now. " We were going to have a wedding after we got married then we found out we were pregnant and decided it was a no go, we couldn't afford it.
He put the remote down and turned to me while I was laying on the couch putting Claire to sleep and asked me " Babe, are you mad we didn't have a wedding?" How does he expect me to reply to that. Am I mad . . . . No? Am I upset. . . . . Sure. I mean especially starting planning and then having it pulled away from me you know. If we had just decided in the first place to never have one that might be different but I was picking places and looking at dresses and blah blah blah. I think that makes it suck worse and I tried to explain that to him. Then he was like let me rephrase it then " 20 something years down the road when we are sitting watching Claire get married are you going to be upset or angry about it like you missed out on something. " I couldn't help but start tearing up. I told him he really didn't need to talk to me about it. I was happy I found him and we were married at all and that was enough. We have our baby, once this post partum and unfound depression goes away I am happy with everything ( minus being in North Dakota ) but we live a pretty good and comfortable life.
Josh being Josh though he couldn't leave it alone and got up to come over and sit on the edge of the couch by me and told me that he knew I was and I would be. Thanks well then why did we have to have this conversation and I cried a little bit harder. ( I hate PPD lol I am not a crier like this normally. I cry but not as frequently lol ) I told him some days are just harder then the rest. We didn't even get engaged, he didn't propose, no ring til after we were married. I told him a friend of mine just got engaged and they put pictures up on Facebook. It was on their family trip to Orlando and they were at Disneyworld in some beautiful Garden thing on a bridge and there is pictures of him down on one knee her crying blah blah blah. Those were hard to see. I think of everything I wanted him to propose to me at least. I know I sound like a whiney baby but whatever. Then Crystal is planning her wedding, has been for a year or so now, we started at around the same time showing each other our ideas and such and helping each other out and now her wedding is in June. It just sucks.
He kissed me and told me he would never let me be upset like that and one day we will do it. He said a few years down the road we will renew our vows, he will propose, and we will have a real wedding. Like I am glad in a way of course but I don't want him to feel like we have to either you know. I mean does anyone really come to those things if you have already been married for 5 years or something ? Idk . I guess I will just shut my mouth and be happy that he wants to do anything.