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There's always a start somewhere...
by - Rjea.

previous entry: Everything I wanted

Rapture

01/04/2020

♫Rapture by Iio♫

I really need to get my anxiety under control. It's starting to get the better of me and making me second guess everything that's going on in my life.

I know M is getting annoyed with it, he's told me it annoys him when I ask and nothing has happened that would make things not be ok. I told him that I know this, but I stress and I don't know how to stop it. I need to go back to my dr and see what we can do about it pill wise. I was never this bad on my old pills, but the down side being that with my old pills I was getting migraines like no ones business. It got to the point that I tried botox for the tension that I was getting from clenching my teeth. It is a side effect of anti-anxiety pills I guess. So while they were great for my anxiety, they were hell on my head and liver, since I not only was taking something for my anxiety, but also for the headaches that I was getting daily, that sometimes lasted for days on end.

I feel bad for M, but I also feel like he's read up on anxiety a bit since he seems more understanding then he used to be. Tonight because I just couldn't help myself anymore, I asked him if everything was ok. I said to him that I was asking because he's been more quiet then normal. He said that if anything was wrong that he would tell me, that every time that I have asked, that nothing has been wrong. I know he loves me and I love him, I think it all comes down to is that I don't want to lose him, and in the past I've pushed people away that I care about. I also feel like if I can't get this uncontrollable need to constantly feel like something is wrong when there isn't anything wrong, it's going to push him away. It has the potential to ruin a lot of things in my life if I let it. As it is I stop my self from asking all the time if everything is alright. I constantly have to tell myself that M isn't mad at me or that everything is okay, that it's just my anxiety talking.

Besides M and S I have isolated myself from everyone. I don't do well with crowds anymore, with random people touching me, nothing. I literally just want to come home and hang out with Dexter (the cutest little fur jerk ever). This isn't who I used to be at all. I used to be a super outgoing girl, always out at the bars, out with large groups of friends. When I say always at the bars, I don't mean pubs, I mean clubs every night. I don't live in a big town, it's only about 65k people, but when I used to go out there was a club for every night of the week to go out. Now, you're lucky if i go out once every two months for a few hours to a movie, out for supper with a friend or two, never anything more. I don't drink anymore, nothing. I go to work, come home and hang out with M and Dexter, and play my PS4 or read. I'm not sure what's changed in me, but the idea of people stresses me out now. I don't even really reply to texts unless it's a friend that needs support and forget about me answering a call unless it's M or S, maybe even T.

I need to fix this, I don't like feeling like a neurotic mess, but I don't even know how I would go about trying to fix it besides with my doctor's recommendation for the pills I take.
   
- R.

previous entry: Everything I wanted

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