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There's always a start somewhere...
by - Rjea.

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Everything I wanted

12/26/2019

♫Everything I wanted by Billie Eilish♫

I am awake and watching "You" on Netflix.

So Christmas was good. I got to spend it with my other half that lives, what feels like millions of miles away. M is absolutely amazing to me, I think he knows me better then I know myself some days. He bought me a Fire Cube, smart bulbs, a Polaroid printer for my phone and a new PS4 controller. He really made my day. I wish I was as good at giving gifts as he was. I got him the "Stadia" by google, a few books that are dragon ball that I knew he wanted. I am sad that the Stadia doesn't work as well as it is supposed too. He said that there's like a 3 sec lag on it. I will do better next time I hope.

I feel like I always come up short when it comes to him. He definitely deserves better then me I think. He makes me want to be a better person in life, I just don't know why he's with me, besides that he loves me. I told him randomly that I loved him tonight after he got out of the shower, his reply made my heart soar. "I am in love with you too". He just lets me have my bad days and my good days. He's a little more quite on my bad days then my good, but I think that's cause he doesn't want to make things worse. It makes me sad that he's so far away, I honestly wish that I could wake up to him EVERY day. He deserves someone there with him always, taking care of him, while he takes care of me. He treats me amazing now, so I don't see that changing when I am there. Yes things could change, since I would be giving up so much for him so that I could be there with him. I'm not sure what his expectations are or what mine are for that matter. Really should be something that we figure out before we making the plan for me to start moving there.

I didn't go anywhere for Christmas. My dad decided that he was going to go and spend it with a friend and ended up getting bailed on. The person who was supposed to take him out to his friends decided that she was going to sit in a bar instead of going out there for Christmas supper. My sister was supposed to come down for Boxing Day supper but because he was going to go out there, she didn't come down. She's more then a little hurt that he doesn't find the need to have a supper for us and his grand-babies. I don't blame her since he won't pay to go up there, won't make supper for her to come down and spend time with him. My cousin didn't invite me to Christmas supper because of her mom. I get that she wants here mom there, and mom trumps cousin, so really it is what it is. Still pisses me off that because I don't put up with toxic bullshit in my life, I get punished for it. I really can't wait until I am able to move with M to get away from all the BS that is this city.

I am happy doing me, until the "Family" holidays come around and then I sometimes get lonely. M fills that place in me and has a way of reassuring me even when I'm being my weird anxious self. I've had to up my anxiety medication a couple of times because I was freaking out, shaking and talking myself into things being wrong even when they aren't. I am glad that that is over and I can now get on with my life. As much as I will let myself get on with it anyhow. I need to stop holding myself back.
   
- R.

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