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There's always a start somewhere...
by - Rjea.

next entry: Redbone



♫Magnets by Disclosure ♫

Well, Didn't really think I'd be taking almost 3 months away. My plan was daily, well I didn't really succeed at that.

I've almost given up on my job, printed my resume off with references and have now been contemplating on looking for another job. I'm just not sure I can handle the constant pulling in multiple directions anymore. My boss said a few things that took away some of my confidence of me working there. I have had since the 2nd of September off, and have just now settled in with the fact that I won't be getting fired, and that's only because she called me probably. I"ve avoided going there even though I have had a package delivered there, I went after the branch closed and picked it up. I also cleaned everything that was personal effects on the last day that I worked. I think she knows that I was on the breaking point of just saying fuck it and not returning. Too bad I've got bills to pay and not enough money saved up to sustain myself for a few months while I look for something that I do want to do.

I'm supposed to go to Hamilton for a week at the end of September, to do collections for my region. I'm honestly contemplating on giving that up. I just don't feel any drive to do the best in my company like I was. I was number 1 in July out of over 600 employees, this month I think I'm going to end up somewhere in the top 50, if I'm lucky. Even though I was number one, I was told where I could improve not congratulated in any way shape or form from anyone but my direct manager. I know I shouldn't be surprised but I really am just a number to that company.

The past few days have been great. I've gotten to talk to my other half when he gets off of work because he finally got a cell phone plan with nation wide calling. I love that he can call whenever he wants and it won't suck up his data or over charge him in minutes. I always called him, or he called me through a wifi app. He has sent me presents for my birthday and I have one more coming, but it won't be here anywhere from now until the end of November. I'm super excited about my Kindle and he also go me a weighted blanket, which I slept like a dream with it last night. The fuzziness on my face from the faux mink and the weight of it was just like being wrapped tightly in a cocoon.

Him and I have been together for 4 years now and I adore him just as much as I did the first day I met him. I know I'm still in love with him when even though he's irritating the fuck out of me, I still smile when I think about him at the end of the night, sending him a good night text. He always wants the best for me. I honestly don't know what I would do without him, he is my rock, my best friend.

When everything feels like it's pointless and I don't see what my purpose is anymore. I think of him and my dog and it's all in perspective again. I honestly don't have a bad life by any means, and yet I find things to be unhappy about.

My cousin just came back from France, and I honestly don't even want to see her or anyone. I was thinking of my aunt coming up when she picked up her dog and it just made my stomach sink and my heart speed up. I am going to have to see a councilor soon, if my anxiety is becoming so bad that I don't even feel comfortable around my own family. I have the prescription, I just have to follow through with it, making sure it is covered by my provincial health, as services like that are only covered maybe 2 or 3 appointments.

I will be ok. I am a strong, beautiful and capable woman.
- R.

next entry: Redbone


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