I wish she would notice how she is hurting me. In the beginning this relationship was working both ways.
She had a seizure a couple of days ago, the same day as my colonoscopy. Bad news for the both of us on the same day. It was her first seizure in almost a full year. (or so she says, but I guess complete honesty isn't a factor anymore). I'm worried sick about her. She hasn't said much to me, 7 total words yesterday and today, she commented on my post on FB and then jumped offline when I tried to talk to her.
This behavior kinda started when I relapsed. I'm not going into details on the relapse, only because I don't remember it. But her exact words to me were : "If it wasn't for my family, I would say it was your only chance. I'm tired of telling everyone, "hey I'm getting married" and then its all goes to shit". So what I got out of that was that her reputation is more important than WE are. I've fought for the last year to stay off drugs and alcohol just so I could live a life with her... HER. I have one relapse because I was in hypoglycemic shock, ODed on my valium cause I wasn't paying attention, and then I was told that after I blacked out I snorted a few lines of cocaine. And instead of trying to help me, she says that. When I was honest and told her, when I could have lied and kept it in and been a liar to her and everyone else.
Thats so fucked up. And then Tuesday, after my procedure was finished, I get a text saying "oh yeah, I had a seizure this morning before you text-ed me back"... LIKE THAT ISN"T BIG FUCKING NEWS? I am so scared for her right now, I don't even care about the fact I could have colon cancer or some other shit.. ANd then after she tells me this, she goes into the shadows and is barely saying more than 7 fucking words to me... |
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Hey it's rachel.. New diary =p..