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Just A Diary
by Camila

First Post


Well, here goes nothing. 


Having a bit of anxiety here. I really wish Hubby (JW) would find a way to get back to work - but for many reasons, he can't just go out and take any job. 

1: He's 56. It's tough finding work when you are in your 50s, even if none of the rest applies...

2: He's disabled from the stroke he had in 2019. He can walk and talk, but his balance is mildly skewed. 

3: He has numbness in his left pinky finger, so he can't type. He never could type anyway, so a keyboard type job is out. His typical work has always been in fields like building, construction, manufacturing, etc. Prior to his stroke, he built trade show booths at the convention center or other job sites. 

4: He had to have bypass surgery in his leg, and he has a lot of pain from that. He can't be on his feet for very long, so retail is out. 


He would very much like to go back to trade shows, but he does have some concerns about his balance. The thing with that industry is, sometimes he needs to climb a 16' ladder, and if he loses his balance up there, that's not good at all. 


But I'm running out of money, and I don't make enough on my job to pay the rent. My savings is down to almost nothing, my 401K has been drained as well, and we just got a rent increase that goes into effect in February. 


I don't know what we'll do. 


I do have an Etsy page set up for my crochet work. I'd like to make sales that way. 

I also have set myself up to be a Door Dash driver (JW cannot do this, as he drives a beat up old Chevy S10 pickup that has a lot of problems and isn't reliable enough for gig work like that). But I've had strep throat and haven't been able to drive yet. 

And...yes, I've set up an OnlyFans page, but I haven't decided what I should do with it yet. Adult stuff? Tarot readings? Crochet instruction? 


I did pay for JW to receive his commission from the state as a notary, and he can do closings for builders. I work for a builder, and we have a title company. The problem is, it has taken months upon months for this to get anywhere, and he's only ever done 1 closing. He's very new at this, and he doesn't quite understand that he has to contact JD (the owner of the company who supplies the notaries to the title company; they work kind of like independent contractors) EVERY DAY to request work. JW told me it feels like begging for a handout and I'm like "you can't look at it that way - you are an independent contractor and this is how you show you're really interested in doing this - you make the calls or texts, you show initiative."


Well, unfortunately, and I hate to say this, I don't think JW has the initiative he needs to be an independent contractor. He'd just rather sit on his computer and spend his time on Discord all day. So what that means is, if he's not chasing work, he's not paying me his half of the rent, I'm bleeding money (he WAS paying the power bill but he's drowning in credit card debt now and he's even taken my debit card and used it to pay bills, so I'm essentially paying for EVERYTHING) and at some point I am going to run out of money. When we do, we'll be evicted. 


When that happens, I can take at least one of my 2 cats and go up to WV, to my friend DS's house. 


DS and I had a very passionate affair back in the 80s. We're still quite into each other; we believe that we are soulmates, because we fit together so well. But DS is married, and he has no interest in divorce, and that's ok. We'll just have to care for one another at a distance. In the past, our magnetism for one another meant that it was very dangerous to leave us alone in a room together, but we're adults now and can better control ourselves. 


I do want to go visit DS soon. I do miss him a lot. 


It would be sad if JW and I had to live apart. JW does love me, but if he's not going to work, and we're going to end up homeless, well - what choice do I have? 


We actually have 2 little black cats. One of them loves only me. He hates everyone else. The other is a sweet little thing who is very friendly and playful. If JW ends up homeless, I don't know what will happen to that little cat. I want to take both cats to WV but DS doesn't like cats at all; it's bad enough that his wife has a cat that he wants nothing to do with. 


But if it comes to that, I'll have to do the best I can and pray that JW and the little cat would be ok. JW does have extended family he could go to, and other friends he may be able to seek shelter with. He has options. But given his personality and all, I think if I were in WV and he was here in FL living who knows where, I'd likely only hear from him maybe once every 6 weeks or more. He's not one to be focused; he's very scattered. He doesn't "settle" well. 


There's so many issues going on here. So many. And it's so stressful. 


What I don't get is that JW keeps complaining about the credit card debt he's in, but he doesn't seem to understand that finding work is the one thing that will help him the most with that. He keeps acting like the only solution is for me to give him money. No, he needs to find work. And if that means he needs to learn to type with 9 fingers instead of all 10, then he needs to do that. 


I don't think it's a case of "I can't do this" with him. I think it's a case of "I don't want to - I have it easy - my wife takes care of everything - I can use my disability income to throw good money after bad on my credit cards, and just be on Discord all day and play computer games and everything is great." 


While his wife struggles to make ends meet, and she can't do her own thing like crochet because all the money is going to support him. 


If I had the money to get my own place, I'd go. But I don't think I do. And how do you tell your husband this? "I'm considering getting my own small place with the cats. I don't want you to live there with me. We need to live apart, because you're not taking this situation seriously." 


We've been married 10 years. Before the stroke, things were better, but even when he worked full time he didn't give me his half of the rent every month. He's just not focused enough to do that. He doesn't prioritize paying for the roof over our head and I wish I'd known that before I married him. 


I have no family I can turn to for help; both of my parents are dead and I have no siblings. 


This is going to crash and burn, isn't it?

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what about working from home? im kinda like that live in the now and have debt... im better than i was in my 20s... but its a learning curve. *hugs* welcome to bloop

[The Avon LadyStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Oh honey. I don't mean to be crass, but it sounds like you checked out of this marriage awhile ago. Cutting the cord will be hard and you will feel bad, but I think that it may be time.

[Tam I Am|1 like] [|reply]

Agree. It sounds like you may have already been looking for ways out for a while now. If you want to stay or if you want to go, both are hard conversations and may ultimately lead to the same outcome.

[EmilyStillStrange|1 like] [|reply]

My father and my ex boyfriend went for years not having a job and not trying too hard to get one because they were living comfortably with their families support.

I supported them as long as I could until I had it and I knew that if they really wanted a job they would have gotten one.

So yeah I don't think he is going to change. Look out for yourself and don't get dragged down by a loafer.

[CatarinaNotte|0 likes] [|reply]

Being disabled all my life( i had a stroke at birth), I do understand the hatred of being disabled and mad at the world for being disabled. Though, there are two roads in life that you can take. 1. Feel sorry for yourself and throw pity parties and make excuses for this and that… or 2: you can take one day at a time and try to get through it the best way you can. It took me a long time, but I chose #1.

I cannot use my right side and essentially do everything one-handed. I wear a brace on my right leg and have a neurological disorder. Now, i know things are different with me because I’ve been with this disability, but it’s how you handle it.

For you, there is only so much you can take. Sadly, if he’s going to do nothing and stay the way he is, then everything for him is moot. You can’t make him do things that he doesn’t want to do. If this is the choice, you have to be kind of selfish and think about you. Do you want to live like this?

Can he get on disability?

Anyhow, this is just my two cents I’m putting in.

[Ethan JamesStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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