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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: Fair

next entry: 4 weeks

It Doesn't Matter


It's been 3 weeks since Mark has talked to me. My heart still hurts. I still cry so fucking much. It hasn't gotten any easier.

Yesterday was the deadline for my ultimatum.

Either he read my email and doesn't want to talk to me, or he hasn't read it yet. But what does it matter? He still hasn't talked to me. He is making the choice not to talk to me whether he read that email or not.

I don't care about anything or anyone right now.

The only person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me. I still have so much fucking regret. I miss him so fucking much.

There are some days I look at my phone at noon and I don't look at it again until 8 the next morning.

I could seriously go without looking at my phone at all, but I feel like I need to or else some people will wonder about me.

If you saw my txt message history... two people have talked to me in 3 weeks. I'm such a fucking loser.

It just goes to show that I have no fucking friends. And it shows that I don't give a shit about anyone else either.

How many times did I accuse Mark of never looking at his phone? How many times did I accuse him of choosing not to txt me back?

I can see how fucking easy it is. I have no fucking problem putting it in a drawer and never looking at it. I have no problem not txting anyone back.

But with Mark I could never do that. I never wanted to put my phone in a drawer and not talk to him. Maybe if I had made him miss me for once things would be a lot different.

Heather asked if I wanted to go to dinner next weekend. I have to pretend I'm ok. I put on a fake face every day so no one will question me.

Not a single person knows what I'm going through. Not a single person knows how much I'm hurting. How much I'm crying.

I gave Mark so much shit for going 12 or more hours without talking to me. It's now been 509 hours. Looking back, who cares, right? What the fuck did 12 hours matter? At the time, so fucking much. Now? It wouldn't fucking matter. Not one fucking bit.

4 weeks ago Mark told me he wanted to come visit. Now look where we are?

Who am I kidding. Look where we aren't.

previous entry: Fair

next entry: 4 weeks

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