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What's your secret?
by BloopSecrets

previous entry: Knowing That I Will Die

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My secret is that I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to be his wife anymore. I've been secretly talking to someone else who ironically has the same name. I don't have feelings for the other man. No feelings at all. I just like how he can tell me exactly what it is he likes about me. I like that he tells me how killer my eyes are. He thinks I'm the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He wants to talk to me. He wants to make me feel good. I don't have to act like a filthy whore to get his attention.

I want a man that understands what I'm feeling. I want a man that will always be there for me when I'm hurting. I want him to be there when I ask him to be. I want him to be available when I need him the most.

My husband knows I'm either becoming deeply depressed or already there. He knows that my emotional needs are not being met. He knows I've been thinking about killing myself.

He asked me to be more sexual so I've been a filthy whore for him lately. He promised that if I changed that and made him want to talk to me then my emotional needs would be met. I told him he needed to change before I did that. I gave in and did it first anyway and now I feel used and more alone than ever.

I want a man just like the Notebook, Sweet Home Alabama, and A Walk to Remember. I think I'm being unrealistic, but I can't help the fact that I keep wanting that. I know they're just movies and love like that probably doesn't exist.

He shows me he loves me by working long hours at a crap job that pays minimum wage. He pays my legal fees from when I got myself in trouble when I was 19. He's pawned everything he's owned to provide for us even if it wasn't enough to keep the electricity on.

Maybe I'm ungrateful... But it's just not enough to keep me feeling loved. I need heart felt words. I need to see the love in his eyes. I want to feel like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him. I don't get that feeling at all.

He doesn't open up. He doesn't send me random "I'm thinking about you" texts anymore. He doesn't speak to me with love. He doesn't open up to me. He can't and probably never will be able to tell me why he loves me or why I'm "the one" for him. He can't even tell me specifically what he loves about me or what made him fall for me.

I think he's falling out of love with me yet my love for him intensifies. I told him I hated him for the first time the other day. He thinks I was just angry. I was, but what I really meant to say is "I don't want to love you anymore."

previous entry: Knowing That I Will Die

next entry: My Mother


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Personally I always believed that you shouldn't be able to list what you love about a person, but that the person as a whole should be what you love. But what my advice to you is, is suck it up & tell him. No marriage is perfect. It never will be because perfection is not humanly possible. Not unless your idea of perfection is the chaos & imperfection of the world. If you want things to change you have to speak up, wishing for it, isn't going to make it happen. This other guy, obviously is gaining feelings for you and because you don't have any for him you are leading him on. Whether you're sleeping with him or not, you are still leading him on. You obviously hold a lot of respect for yourself, so you need to open your eyes to what keeping this inside is doing to you. Talk to your husband. Try couples counseling if just talking to each other doesn't help. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[I♥AlanRickmanStar] [reply]

The appropriate response when your partner is trying to reach out to you is not "Well, if you were more sexual and made me WANT to talk to you, I would." Doesn't sound like he's too worried about losing you, and money isn't enough to sustain a relationship. Personally, I would talk to him and either tell him that if he doesn't change RIGHT now (without feeling like you 'owe' him something for his efforts) you'll be gone, or just simply break it off. [Poetic Justice] [reply]

Mmm. You're pretty whiny. Honestly if you got someone that drooled all over you and told you every day how beautiful you were and how much and why they loved you, you'd get sick of it after a week and be right back here complaining about how you want someone to take care of you and pay your bills. I mean call me the devil's advocate but somehow i think there was more to "be more sexual" than you're actually putting out here. Because frankly i find it a little difficult to believe that someone who married you, works a shitty, low paying job to support you, and is willing to sell everything he owns to pay for your legal fees from a mistake YOU made that has NOTHING to do with HIM(i'm assuming from information provided), would have the motive to demand sexual favors for conversation. I just don't see that happening. You're married, to a man, who likes sex, so fuckin sue him. He's your husband, he should be able to put a request in the suggestion box for a blow job now and again the same way you should be able to drop a request for some head. Get over yourself, he's working his ass off to pay YOUR bills for you, and you're telling him you hate him because he doesn't tell you your eyes are pretty?? Seriously?? Get over yourself, if you don't wanna have sex with him then don't, but don't act surprised when he stops paying your lawyer bills, moron. [Betch.] [reply]

Choices you could try:

A. talk to him tell him how you feel
B. Read 5 love languages (it does help understanding things) or read His needs her needs....

and those guys in nicholas sparks books/movies - they are *fake* they arent real gosh - this makes me think of my husband right now, i am very lucky my husband tells me he loves me every day, every now and then he tells me how pretty i am... we dont text much anymore thats because we work... i felt like what you do and i did something about it... and i am reading the 5 love languages and its good

i dont feel bad for you - i feel bad for him. no one is perfect.... its not fair to him if your just staying with him if you dont love him... [The Dreaming Wife ] [reply]

My husband and I read the 5 love languages before we got married. (Our officiant had us read it.) Great book!! I've actually recommended it to a couple of people. [*Pixie*] [reply]

Sounda like the way myhusband treated me. We are seperated now, thank God. [A.Classic.Disaster] [reply]

previous entry: Knowing That I Will Die

next entry: My Mother