|My secret is that I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to be his wife anymore. I've been secretly talking to someone else who ironically has the same name. I don't have feelings for the other man. No feelings at all. I just like how he can tell me exactly what it is he likes about me. I like that he tells me how killer my eyes are. He thinks I'm the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He wants to talk to me. He wants to make me feel good. I don't have to act like a filthy whore to get his attention.|
I want a man that understands what I'm feeling. I want a man that will always be there for me when I'm hurting. I want him to be there when I ask him to be. I want him to be available when I need him the most.
My husband knows I'm either becoming deeply depressed or already there. He knows that my emotional needs are not being met. He knows I've been thinking about killing myself.
He asked me to be more sexual so I've been a filthy whore for him lately. He promised that if I changed that and made him want to talk to me then my emotional needs would be met. I told him he needed to change before I did that. I gave in and did it first anyway and now I feel used and more alone than ever.
I want a man just like the Notebook, Sweet Home Alabama, and A Walk to Remember. I think I'm being unrealistic, but I can't help the fact that I keep wanting that. I know they're just movies and love like that probably doesn't exist.
He shows me he loves me by working long hours at a crap job that pays minimum wage. He pays my legal fees from when I got myself in trouble when I was 19. He's pawned everything he's owned to provide for us even if it wasn't enough to keep the electricity on.
Maybe I'm ungrateful... But it's just not enough to keep me feeling loved. I need heart felt words. I need to see the love in his eyes. I want to feel like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him. I don't get that feeling at all.
He doesn't open up. He doesn't send me random "I'm thinking about you" texts anymore. He doesn't speak to me with love. He doesn't open up to me. He can't and probably never will be able to tell me why he loves me or why I'm "the one" for him. He can't even tell me specifically what he loves about me or what made him fall for me.
I think he's falling out of love with me yet my love for him intensifies. I told him I hated him for the first time the other day. He thinks I was just angry. I was, but what I really meant to say is "I don't want to love you anymore."