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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: Number.



I have been seeing people all my life through rose colored glasses. Because I wanted to believe the best. Wanted to believe they loved me. But my god apparently 90% if not more of the people in my life have seen in a very different light then I tried to view them. EVERYONE IS COUNTERFEIT. EVERYONE LIES. EVERYONE SAYS WHAT THE OTHER WANTS TO HEAR. UNTIL THEY DONT. Until a small offense is commited againt them, and then the bottled up things they always wanted to say spew out in inapporopriate forms, and...It causes more hurt than you could ever imagine. STOP BOTTLING UP THE LITTLE THINGS YOU THINK ABOUT PEOPLE...Like...Wow shes selfish. Wow shes mean. Wow shes rude, etc. THE DOUBTS BUILD UP AND IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS PEOPLE HURT EACH OTHERS FEELINGS THAT IS JUST THE WAY THAT IT IS. So when you dont tell the truth about how you feel about someone and then they do something that upsets you, ALL THAT COMES OUT AT ONCE. Dont even try to deny it.

Moving on, to my father. All my life I saw him as my hero, he would put me up on his shoulders, and I felt like the tallest person alive, and thought he was the strongest. And how I would pretend to be sleeping in the backseat when him me and my mom would come home from somewhere, just so that he would carry me in like a baby and put me to bed. I felt safe then which is almost never my whole life. And warm. And giggled inside. Also when he would read me a story before bed, I would always grab the thickest one of my books that I could find just to keep him near me for longer. And for my whole lifetime, that was the image I had of him, even when he broke me into a million little pieces and basically handed me the metaphorical broom and dustpan and said BYE. But in reality? Those were only moments, snapshots in a life, filled with terror and rejection, and I am getting dizzy even trying to type this from the man who has been hacking this computer and wifi for months if not longer. Hes black. Sits there with headphones, wore a wifebeater, and I saw him for a split second, oops. Just...Watching. Through the screen. ANYWAYS, that is not what this is about...This is about my dad. Who when I was scared of the shadow people who harassed and even abducted me at night? And the demons on the ceiling. And the cloaked milita.ry people coming up the stairs? Outside too. He chased me out of his bedroom in a fit of rage because I woke him up and he thought I was crazy. Even as a child. Sometimes I would be lucky enough and my mom would step in so I got to sleep on their floor beside the bed. I could NEVER go to him with any of my problems and yet I adored him. We would go on ' dates ' and go get food and just be together. Then when I was 15 I THINK, he started cheating on my mom, who knwosx how long it was really going on. And he wouldnt give up this bitch, so he abandoned me for her and her two kids. I was an only child, this bully was the only man in my life, and the only one I ever had up to them who was an example of how men were supposed to be. What a joke. I used to watch him raise his hands and praise God in church, knowing full well where he would be that night. I saw other fathers growing up who had major temper issues, yelling at their families weather I or anyone else was there or not. Gotta love the realness of these pricks tho. My dad broke my heart. In my mind, leaving me for those 2 kids was the worst betrayal I had ever endured then. Taking them places, buying them things, giving them the love I so desperated craved and dare I say DESERVED as his ONLY CHILD. THEY ADOPTED ME FOR GODS SAKE WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM. My mom with her temper issues, and emotional basketcase-ness. I never felt loved from her, except in small moments. I TOOK CRUMBS FROM PEOPLE MY WHOLE LIFE. And built those crumbs into a statue. I saw it as a stone statue, but it was just bread. Falible. Frail. Knockable over. STUPID. Then my mentor invited me to a ' safe place ' with her and her husband, only to find out pretty quickly he was a perverted POS that TRULY BELIEVES UNLESS VAGINAL PENITRATION HAPPENS, NOTHING IS CHEATING. And I do mean nothing. I paid dearly just for being alive and breathing my entire life. The wholeness of my life has been a waste. The moments...The moments were beautiful. But the whole? A fucking throwaway. Im done pretending. I WAS BORN WITH THIS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND TENDER HEART. For some reason this world wanted me dead before I was even born. Wish I could write my book. If anyone would even read it. Who knows. What I d o know is tender hearts, on sleeves, make for very bad expieriences for those with the essense of agape love in their very breathe,....Their blood pumping in time with the heart of IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. And its like the puppy, you kick it, it dont bite you, it comes running into your lap with kisses over and over and over. Im sick. Im just so tired.

previous entry: Number.

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