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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: COMING OUT GOLD.

next entry: Letter.

Beginning of wonderous fairy tales of real life...

11/22/2021

Will be composing my book here, before I take it to publishing. Praying this site will hold out long enough for me to get it done.

I was born out of wedlock like so many others. I was unplanned, and probably not wanted at first, though I cant say for sure. There is much to my history that is shrouded in secrecy and lies, but regardless, I was born. Adopted at 4 months old, by a Christian couple who could not have children of their own. They had almost adopted twice before, but it fell through . Then they came across me, and dived in headfirst. From the frying pan to the fire, it was, but I am getting ahead of myself, as I am prone to do. My birth mother kept taking me back, and Christmas was the last time. I would come back to the adopted parents reeking to high heavens of smoke, and I was very ill. But they wanted me anyways, had so much love to give. So the night they came to pick me up, their brand new car engine blew up. 6 months later, our house burnt to the ground. 

 

I have started this about 10 times. I have to follow through. I have no idea how I am still alive. I am having a hard time right now. I think people have a misconception of me based on the fact that I am not constantly telling everyone what this illness is doing to me. Y'all have read my articles and ' poetry ' from a few years ago and even a year ago, but no one cept maybe 2 people knows whats really going on with me, and those people have tried like hell to help me. I am living in a perpetual hell since 2015 when I first got sick with what they are labelling ' Morgellons ' AND Lyme AND a very growing parasitic infection, okay. ( Those who know the truth will comprehend what I am saying there ) Anyways, this has caused massive damage to both bones and muscle and nerves in my body, unfortunately affecting my spine all the way to the very top of my head, ears, lymphs, tissue, down to the very cells and organs in my body. I some days feel my body weight is going to be too much for my head, which is why I have lost as much weight as I have, and I still need to lose more yet. My neck is bitten to heck, and I have scars all over my chest and various other parts of my body from this crap. I am sick and tired of praying every day that my neck will not snap, or my heart won't give out, or my brain won't fall outta my head. Literally. You have no idea till you experience this. My ribs have been crushed to the breaking point several times, my back feels like a hot iron is on it, burning me almost constantly especially at night. My hands and chest are red as beets and burn. I have some kind of acid that feels almost boiling at times, its sickening. I have had green bile like substance come out OF MY STOMACH, for no good reason. I have a deviated septum from this shit burrowing up and into my brain. I have head DENTS all over, fractures of my skull. Had 2 heart attacks and mini strokes, all of this is documented by the way. My chest is constantly being attacked and back of my neck and head, and its just becoming too much for me. Their damn medicines didnt work and I daresay almost killed me and then the natural remedies stir this shit up to the point of crawling around on the floor screaming and begging for death only to be like JESUS I DIDNT MEAN THAT I DONT WANNA DIE. Its the most painful, mind numbingly terrifying TORTURE on the face of this planet, and you will NEVER be able to make up for how shitty some of you have made me feel for being ill. DOCTORS ARE COMMITING SUICIDE NOW BECAUSE THEY SEE WE WERE TELLING THE TRUTH. They couldnt handle the guilt of making us as a whole feel like they did. Do your damn research before you call someone nuts okay? EDUCATE yourself. Hmm what did they used to say on the L word? Oh right. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. And yes I have made a whole lot of mistakes in my life, but I am forgiven by God, so who are you to hold a grudge? I have tried to love, tried to be a light, and the few times I had really good people in my life, I mucked it up because I was foolish. I am not foolish now. And no one deserves what we are going through. No one...Not even you.

 

I was 16 when I left home to go to Michigan. The circumstances led me to try a drug which then controlled alot of my actions for the rest of my life. I hurt a lot of people emotionally because of it, and I am sorry. I will however say that I have been targeted by something really terrible since by birth, and I used to say that I was ' born wrong '. I got really sick when I was in my 20s after suffering massive pain in my teeth for 15 years. I now know that I was tortured. My question here is simple. For people out there who were drug addicts, alcoholics, prostitutes, pill poppin, whatever. ( This world was wrong abotu all of that but thats for another day ) I have a question for you. Does that mean that the TI PROGRAM...BEAST SYSTEM. PIECE OF SHIT LAW PEOPLE WHO ARE CROOKED AND DIRTY ( There are some who arent but they are becoming rarer ) And anyone else connected to the system that controls this prison planet, does that give them a right to torture and ''' punish '''' them??? DOES IT? Because I am pretty sick and tired of this. I go for years at a time doing nothing wrong as far as illegal anything...And if I ever messed up with drugs in my past|? IMMEDIATELY it was like a portal opened for really bad shit to attach to me, make me see things, and follow and harass me for a long time afterwards. Mind you, I didnt know about targeting back then, so I just thought those people were freaking weird and needed to quit staring at me and following me and BEFORE I KNEW? I told them so happily lol. Learning abotu the truth of this world has turned me into a mamby pamby needy little girl. CORRECTION: THIS BANDING TUBE SYSTEM IN MY BODY THAT IS CONNECTED TO SOME HIGH TECHNOLOGY has turned me into that. I AM NOT WEAK. Not the real Trish. Most of you dont know the real Trish cuz she didnt take this shit from anyone, technology or no technology. I need to know what in the world to do when you get this advanced? I have never found anyone with it built so strongly in them before. Like a huge rubber hose threaded everywhere AND YET I AM STILL IN HERE SCREAMING AND NO ONE DOES ANYTHING. I am not putting that on anyone reading this. I am just saying. Its not like I havent been documenting my journey here, and I AM BEING HURT PHYSICALLY VERY BADLY JUST FOR TYPING THIS. You wouldnt believe what they are doing to me because I am voicing this. Searing hot pain in every joint, throbbing in organs. Oh yeah. I cant feel my organs anymore. Nope. Nothing. ITS LIKE BEING IN ANOTHER BODY YET IM HERE. And no matter what anyone says, I am quite intelligent and sane. I am crazy tho. Crazay like a fox. And trust me, those who are saying they care about me and really arent on the good side? I see you too. Just...Its not my problem. MATRIX AGENTS is what they are and frankly...They really dont want to incur the wrath of any divine protection we may have left, so they drop us clues sometimes. Warnings. Puzzle pieces. And most of us are too scared or dense to realize what is happening. All about the NARROW WAY. And most will miss it. Yet there are millions of people who call themselves Christians. How is that few? FEW THERE BE THAT FIND IT. My question then. No matter what we have done in our past, does that give them an ACTUAL RIGHT to do this to us? I believe it is cosmic injustice. Literally.

A lost bird, gliding over twilight beaches, wings gently forming a perfect glissade, in the almost blue black night. A crow, gone wrong. Hearing the masters voice wasnt so easy after beign thrown down here. ALone, in the dark. Forever searching. Forever wandering. Forever aching. For home. Because it certainly isnt here. Yet part of the punishment of coming willingly to this planet is the memory loss, the complete wiping out of the memories of the only Kindgom that is powerful enough to beat the dark ones. Who come out of hiding at night, wearing their cloaks of slow death. Let them touch you and you will be uploded to the torture p rogram. Oh it looks so good....Eve and the apple once more. Yet...Its not an apple and Im not Eve. And yet................

 

I hate being STUCK. Being caged behind your own eyes, while autopilot takes over your body is no fun either, it is a living death. They were not far off in calling us the walking dead. Except we few...Who can still remember what it is like to smell the breeze, and feel the air on our skin. We have to remember what it was like to BE IN this environment that has now caged us like a prisoner behind bars. A free jail sentence, one and all, come and get it. CAGED FREEDOM, that's what it is. Others are always sick and running to ER. I used to be like that. Till I realized they cant and wont help us. They are told not to, when are you all going to get it? ITS ALL RIGGED. Rigged to make us fail. And we either give up, or give in, or we fight.

I dont know what happens with the decisions we have made in our lives BEFORE we knew the truth and saw the world for what it really is. Idk what it means, all the dumb, reckless, stupid, and outright WRONG choices we made before we became aware it was all rigged. I don't know. I do know that a lifetime of being beaten down just for being alive. Being made to feel like shit, because we were the horse, not the shit. Being made to feel worthless by people who knew damn well that we were worth EVERYTHING, perhaps more than them. Thats the thing. The real slimeballs and scumbags of this world were the ones who pounded us down. Not everyone was made/created for the same purpose, and those vessels of dishonor that were created to be examples of evil, they tried to turn us into one of them. Tried to fill us so full of lies, and worth less ness, that we couldnt even lift our heads, while the creeps of this Earth walk around with their heads held high, and are arrogant sons of bitches. Yes I did just say that.

Then those same lowlifes target us and hurt us, and use weapons most of us cant see against us, and pay people little bits of money to h arass us. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY ( IF YOU HAVE ANY HEART OR SOUL LEFT, OR ARE YOU JUST A MEAT SUIT CARCASS? ) What could you possibly gain that would be worth hurting people ON PURPOSE? That money you love so much? POOF will go up in smoke soon. That house, that car, that job, that person? ALL COULD BE GONE IN AN INSTANT. How dare you play God with other people's lives? You are in danger more than any of your victims. And God help you. Seriously. When our Creator makes things right? God help you.

I am not mincing words. We are either vessels of honor or dishonor and only the Creator knows who is who. I dont want the job of judging that. I just wanted to be allowed to love, and live, and breathe, and dance, and laugh, and drink if I want to without having to feel bad for fucking breathing.

I may offend some of you, and Im sorry for that. Or at least I want to be there. The wishing for it is there regardless ha. I can't...Take it anymore. OH AND then I am an empath so I feel everyone elses pain too and people make that osund so soft and shit, NO. We feel your pain, AND WE FEEL YOUR ANGER, AND YOUR HATE, AND YOUR PERVERTED EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS, AND EVEN YOUR MURDEROUS EMOTIONS. Im tired of people making empaths something to be pitied because we feel everyones pain poor us. We feel every sick disgusting fiber of YOUR being, and somehow have to not let that mix with our own shit, as well as guard our light, and our emotions, and our thoughts ,and hearts, and minds, and bodies FROM ALL OF YOUR SICKNESS INSIDE AND OUT. Okay? This is real talk. So just...Man I might lose some friends for this video but thats okay with me. Weeds out those that aren't supposed to be around me. I am upset today. I am upset that I am upset, and sad, and a little angry, and I miss SOME THINGS about the way my life used to be. But Pattie is gone. Alot is gone. I just pray I don't go with it, someday. Have a good night.

previous entry: COMING OUT GOLD.

next entry: Letter.

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