I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I've been busy, or that I've had so much going on that I just didn't have time to write entries, or comment on diaries. I just forgot about it. Coming to this site became a drag, and most of the people I came here for are gone. I've invested so much time into this place, but the motivation isn't there anymore. It's not the same Bloop Diary that it used to be. There are better, more well-designed blogging sites out there, that are much more active, and I don't see myself blogging more frequently, as my blogging habits have been pretty much been reduced to "reblogging" other peoples' content, while adding my own comments, if I have any to add.
I'm even looking at some of my recent entries on here, and already the entry I'm currently writing is longer than most of them combined.
I've kept in touch with some of the people I met on Bloop. One of them got married, and I lost contact. One of them is such a bummer with literally every single thing written on his Facebook was negative, or otherwise complaining about something, and the last one I speak to maybe three times a year.
I don't really feel the need to tell anybody what I'm interested in these days, or what I've been doing, or what's happened in my life since I've last written on here. I've become such a pessimistic mess that I'm certain nobody actually cares, only because I know I wouldn't. When I talk to an old friend, I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, do not care about the TV shows they're interested in, or the kind of music they listen to now, or what kind of job they have, or anything.
I guess Deanna sucked that out of me.
We're no longer together.
And because of the circumstances surrounding our break up (I won't bore you with the details), I just don't have any interest in involving myself in other peoples' lives, in any capacity.
Reading this entire entry over, I guess this all sounds a little negative. It's got a dark overtone to it. I don't mean it that way. I guess what I'm trying to say is, my entire online identity involves talking to other people about common interests, and maybe some hobbies, but never about my personal life. People like to assume a role, and create themselves a presence in my life whenever I talk about personal things, and judge me for the decisions I make. I'm just tired of it. I've distanced myself from every single one of my online relationships for this reason. I've just gotten to the point where I realize that I don't really have any attachment to someone whose face I've never seen in person (I'm sorry if this hurts the one person who's going to read this that this applies to). There's such a weird, uncomfortable disconnect between the extremely close and personal relationships I cultivate in real life, and the ones hanging on by a thread online.
At some point in my life, I just became so desperate for friendship that I was just kind of "accepting all applications," and now I come to realize how hollow I've become. When I compare it to the person I've become now, the person who's becoming so full of life and emotion, I feel like coming back here is like finally getting clean from drugs, and running into my old drug dealer 10 years later.
Who was this person that used to get into hardcore flame wars with people across the world over insignificant political issues? Who was the person who believed that anybody cared enough about his age that he had to lie about it? Who was the person who begged and pleaded for an arbitrary position of power over a community of realistically less than 1,000 people, seeking the satisfaction of their validation?
Certainly not the person who's typing this now.