Wrote this entry this morning... Didn't post it then for some reason. Posting it now though.
I love Luke but he can be a real bastard sometimes. I woke up at 2am last night and had a panic attack over the thought of everything I had to get done today (who has panic attacks immediately upon waking up in the middle of the night? I do!). I ended up waking up Luke because after that was over I really needed a cuddle. So I woke him up and said I don't feel so good and snuggled under his arm. He just complained about me waking him up and rolled over. When he couldn't get back to sleep, he ordered me to suck his dick and after doing that for a while he turned me over and fucked me, came in my ass, got off me and fell asleep. When he was leaving for work this morning I woke up and when I saw he was ready to leave, I was like, don't you want a blow job? As our usual morning ritual is a suck and fuck before he goes to work... He said, 'no, you got yours last night.' and then he was like, 'bye darling,' gave me a kiss like normal and left. Jeez! I felt like crap last night. Now I just feel bewildered. And because the morning routine got fucked up I'm all in a daze and can't get out of bed. I have an appointment at 9:30 this morning and all I can think about is why didn't he fuck me!!! GOD! I'M SO DUMB!
[current time 7:39pm] Communication breakdown. I told Luke that with the state of mind I'm in lately, I need to take a break from whoring. He just said... "We need two incomes if we want to keep this house." ... I probably should have replied, "read my lips! I will not, I cannot prostitute my ass right now!" but instead I said, "oh... Ok..." Now he's out for the night and I just ... Grrrr... Very angry!!!! I'm seriously considering doing some attention seeking cry for help thing, but I don't know what and I know Luke would just laugh at me if I pulled that shit. I need more attention than the average male can possibly give me, I think. I guess it's stupid for me to expect him to ... I don't know... Give a shit?! Fuck, whatever.