I'm just a bad mommy...
It has been a ridiculously long time. I've been mostly lurking with an occassional comment here and there. Facebook is a great thing but it has caused a lot of "damage" to diary sites like Bloop, IMO.
So, apparently it seems as though I'm a bad mom. At least, that's what I hear every damn time I turn around. "You need to nip this in the bud, you need to nip that in the bud" blah, blah, blah. I'm getting very sick and tired of being told what I need to do, not only as it relates to Henry but also as to the status of my "divorce". No, I have not filed, nor do I have the money to file, NOR do I have the TIME to fill out the inch of paperwork that is required for me to do this without an attorney (cheapest). Also, I don't know that I will be able to GET full custody without hiring an attorney but I'm damn well going to try. Why not?? I have
full custody now. The ex doesn't want any responsibility really. He just wants to come over and "play" with his son whenever he feels like it. Yes, he watches him while I go to class or do some of the things I have to do, but it's always at MY house. Which means, my food, my A/C/Heat, my electricity. I don't have a space that is just mine and I swear to god, I am going to explode soon. I'm expected to work full time to pay for the basics for me and Henry, go to school so that I can get the better job to afford the basics plus
whatever else I want for Henry and I'm expected to be a full-time parent every other waking (or sleeping) minute of the day and not have a life of my own outside of these things. I understand that this is called parenting, etc. But that does not mean that I can't have ME time to do nothing, or run around the house naked, or clean my house from top to bottom without being interrupted, or (god forbid) go out on a date/just go out. Certainly can't do anything fun like that!
Whatever. I'm just pissy. Hell, I'm always
pissy these days. Nothing new there. Henry is a bright, loving, social and funny child. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I just wish people would leave me the hell alone sometimes. Oh, and since I know there will be questions, the things I should "nip in the bud" are the fact that he wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to my bed. Well, in 2-3 years from now, the kid is barely going to want to acknowledge that I'm his mother, much less give me any attention. I'll take the attention now while I can get it. It's not like he's displacing anyone at the moment! hahaha The other thing is that he's too clingy. I don't know what else to DO about this one. I tell him he needs to play while I do homework, or dishes, or whatever and he will for a little while. But if I try to go outside to have a smoke or go to the basement to do laundry, he gets hysterical and tries to keep me from leaving. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that daddy comes and goes as he pleases and he's afraid mommy will start. I've tried and tried to get Henry's father to take him regularly so that Henry can get used to time away from me but he's always refused or said, yeah, soon. He says he's finally taking him over night this weekend...we'll see.
Aren't you so glad you took the time to read this entry? Nothing like lurking forever and a day and then coming back here and bitching about my life. Ugh. There's a lot of things I don't like about my life right now but it is what it is and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a pin prick right now, but it will grow. I know this....I just have to keep surviving without losing my sanity.