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That's as impossible as nailing jello to a tree <3
by Shar

previous entry: Something is better than nothing...right??

next entry: Hugs

So I'm really updating this time


I've been needing to write just so I can get all this out of my system but when I sit down to do it, I just can't write everything out. So I'm going to go ahead and give it a shot.

School: Almost over!!! Thank goodness lol. Graduation date is May 11th and I'm super excited about it. I was going to keep going and get my bachelor's degree in Accounting but I'm too tired. I've been going to school for so long that I'm starting to hate it. This is the last week of classes and than we have finals week. I only have one real final and than I have a final speech to give. This week I have a research paper due, a group speech to do, the rest of my webdesign chapter 11 to do and than a few things in accounting and taxation. But I'm so close to being done I can't contain my excitement.

Graduation: My dad is driving in to watch me graduate. I still have to buy my cap and gown, I plan to do that on Tuesday when I go to classes. I'm having a graduation cookout the next day. I don't know if anyone will show up besides me lol but at least I'll be there right.

Work: Sucks ass. I've been looking for a new job, something that isn't fast food. It's slow going but I'm tweeking my resume and cover letter skills. I've been only working 3 days a week. I'm a manager so I've been having issues because they want me to be more flexible. I can't right now. I'll explain why I'm not as flexible or why this summer is going to be so hard in a minute. I'm getting sick of him hiring the biggest morons in town. All these lazy ass teenagers or lazy drug dealers that keep coming through. Its getting really old. I'd like to just work my job, not their jobs too. I should be able to have at least one good day out of 3. I shouldn't dread going in there and than leave feeling sick all the time. I've been having panic attacks a lot. I thought they were work related, and I think one of them was but instead I think they are related to another part of my life.

Austin: Omg its his last year in preschool. He starts kindergarten in August and I'm so sad!!! Its crazy because he's been in preschool for three years so you'd think starting kindergarten wouldn't bother me. But it does!! My baby isn't going to be a baby anymore. They changed his medicine again, back to what he was on before. He's doing really good. He's gotten kinda mouthy but that seems to be the norm for his age. The doctor said his weight has leveled out and she's not concerned about his size at all. He's still getting taller. Though she says he'll probably stop growing soon and than grow a whole bunch at one time. He's so much bigger than the other kindergarteners, I'm hoping that won't end up being an issue. Kids can be so cruel. They're already gonna pick on him for the autism adhd, I don't want them teasing him because he's a fat kid. He's got a bunch of girlfriends though, maybe that's a good sign. I don't really know.

My life: Cliff is gone. All his stuff is gone. He's GONE!! Now am I sad that he's gone? Yes. Would I take him back and try again. NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL!!! Stealing my kids meds. Stealing money from me. Staring me in the eye, swearing on his mother that he didn't take anything. Than admitting it after I drop him off at his baby mama's house. He kept swearing he wasn't fucking her too...yeah ok that's not what he's telling me now. He'd been fucking her because he didn't want me anymore. He called me a cunt, a bitch, said he would see me in hell, he hopes my next boyfriend beats some sense into me. He said I'm a fat lazy slob, I never cared about him, My ass has its own area code...or each cheek of my ass has its own zip code. It just keeps going from there. That was the stuff that I remember, the stuff that hurt the most. I know I'm fat. Usually it doesn't bother me. I'm not perfect by any means. He targeted me by saying no one with any sense would want me. I'm too fat, all I've got going for me is the fact that I give good blow jobs. He pointed out how hard it can be to get me off. He was a slam bam and its over kinda guy. He didn't even try any foreplay. He wanted me to suck his dick and than he wanted to fuck. Anyway. Its over.

I am lonely, angry, sad and just over all having issues dealing with it but I'm better off. I'm just happier without him. Well he called me the other night begging for a ride. I caved, I missed him. As soon as he got in the car I felt the tension and the stress. By the time I was away from him I was having a panic attack, I ended up making it home and than puked over and over again. I hadn't had a panic attack or been upset like that since he'd left.

I'm an very empathetic person. I can feel the stress, the anger, the happiness and so on that radiates off of people. Being around him, all that anger that he was feeling, all that tension I felt made me physically sick.

I'm not actively looking for someone else or anything. I'm just going with it. I'm lonely but I will survive. I have my kid. I still have my dog and three cats and a guinea pig. Cliff took his dog and the bird. Its not quite the zoo it used to be and I like the calmness now. I just want someone to hold me at night. My self esteem has taken a blow. So right now I'm just trying to deal. I just need some friends is all. I need friends that don't use me or just want me to help them. I wish I had friends who I could talk to about my problems too. I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.

previous entry: Something is better than nothing...right??

next entry: Hugs

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