Love
I want to go to sleep but for some reason I can't. In my heart I know I love Cliff regardless of the fact that he's jobless, drinks too much and smokes too much pot. He's still in Mt. Airy, I just want him to come back. I hate sleeping alone and though I could call someone else and have them here in a second, I won't cause the thought of sleeping with someone else isn't appealing. Its lame though because I can't stop being mad at him, I can't let go of some of the things that have happened and when he calls to tell me he's staying an extra day I get mad at that too. I have so much anger inside me, so many things that I can't let go, things that don't even involve him. I have to be to work at 7am, I don't have an option. I need sleep now, I have to wake up at 6am to get Austin ready to go to my moms. I have to drop him off there by 630am to make sure I make it to work by 7am. What will happen is I'll sit in the parking lot at working trying to convince myself to go inside, which will make me like 10 minutes late. It's really stupid, I know, cause if I'm right there I might as well go into work. But its a struggle, I don't want to go in there, that tells you how bad it is. I'm not sure where the house phone is but I do know the battery was dying earlier, so it'll be dead by morning. So even if they try to get me to come in early, I just won't know it. I probably wouldn't answer anyway, I don't need the bullshit.
My mom's fridge/freezer got fried by the lightning today, we had a few crazy storms. So she filled up her chest freezer and then brought the rest of her food over here until she gets it fixed. Lucky its only about 8 months old and she bought the extended warranty which covers accidental nature occurances and what not. On top of that, I need to call the air conditioning guy back and have him come recharge this thing so it'll stop freezing up constantly. Oh and Walmart was out of Austin's meds, even though Ken's girlfriend swore they keep it in stock, turns out Austin is the only one they have right now that is using it, they didn't have it ordered because they weren't sure he was staying on it, even though I asked them to keep ordering it. Fuck em and feed em to the fish. So we have a half a pill until they come in on tuesday, so mom is saving it for school on monday. Some things amaze even me.
Expect nothing, that way you're not disappointed. That's what i tell people, so why can't I practise what I preach? I know most people don't and that it sounds awesome when really it sucks. Oh and the elementary school is collecting dimes for the relay for life and Ken's girlfriend's family are fundraising crazy. They've saved/raised over 80 dollars worth of dimes, I've got like 10 dollars lol. I think its amazing how much they manage to raise for everything.
I've been thinking a lot tonight, which is normal when I'm alone. I wish I had a direction I could go in to make things better ya know. For now I feel like I'm standing still and then falling backwards.
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