But I am stressed out, hormonal, and I'm fucked in the head. Why? Because...
I mentioned in the first entry that me and Daniel hit a few speed bumps but worked through them so I was not going to post them here. But now I am having issues in my own head and I have to write them out somewhere. And if anyone reads this tell me if I'm crazy and what to do.
So some back back history: After I left my ex-husband I started dating a guy named Chet. I actually loved him. But we broke up because he cheated on me with a herpes infested whore and one of my friends while I was in Pannsylvania visiting my Mom. For the record, I do NOT have herpes! I did not sleep with him after he cheated on me (THANK GOD!) This was the first time I have ever dealt with cheating. We broke up 4/27/2009 (I know because it was my birthday) and I am still not over it almost a year later. He crosses my mind a lot.
Anyways, fast forward to now. With Daniel. As I told you we moved fast. Lived together a month after dating, got pregnant, not married though. But our issues were as follows: Started with texting. He texted a friend saying another girl at work was sexy as hell. (We just found out I was pregnant). He said it ws to make his friend jealous because they both know the girl. I bought it, hated the girl. Daniel started treating the girl like shit (she sat next to him at work) and she ended up moving away.
Then I found a message to girl on MySpace he previously was going to date before we met but it never went through. I don't remember the message but something along the lines of her being one of the most beautiful girls he has ever met, and if they were meant to be together, they will be. His excuse: She had texted him a while before saying you gave up didn't you? (On her) and it was bugging him and he needed to explain. He doesn't like anyone being angry at him. He did block her on MySpace.
So after that one I got super jealous. I monitered him like a hawk. I found texts from a different girl in his phone (Who had a 3 week old baby) sayng show me your penis again. AGAIN?! He texted her back saying you send one of equal value first. His excuse: The again was from years ago (they knew each other in high school) and he was basically telling her to fuck off by saying you send one of equal value first. Now this skank KNOWS he is dating me. And knows we have a baby on the way. I texted her telling her not to text him again. That's the last we heard of her.
So the next thing I found him unblocking the first girl on MySpace and asking for her number. His excuse: He doesn't like me telling him who he can and cannot be friends with. I reblocked her but he changed his passwords to everything. So I don't know if he has talked to her or not. So these things were about three or four months ago. I don't necessarily believe these excuses but I'm trying to keep them out of my mind. and I kept monitering the best I could, on his myspace through his phone and what not and nothing has been going on.
Also have found porn on his computer, him staying up all night to look at nasty girls' pics on MySpace rather than come to bed with me, and then in his email inbox (it's signed in all the time) I find a confirmation to register for an online dating/sex site. I confronted him and he says he just hates me snooping. He said I was looking for something so he gave me something to find. Every girlfried has done it to him along with his stepdad and he can't stand it. Okaay, well if I trusted you there would be no issue! And we are in a serious relationship, neither one of us have privacy! I deleted the profiles, there were nothing on the and no activity, but still. I found one late he had deactivated himself. So I am working on staying out of his shit, but if I do and he IS doing something he gets away scott-free! I don't know what to do. We agreed- no computer unless I am in the room. We go to bed together from then on. BTW we have our own computers, a decision I regret. I paid for my laptop and his desktop with my taxes, and I feel as if I cannot touch the desktop because he will think I am snooping.
And the thing is, this whole time our relationship has not changed. He still does everything for me, he cleans, makes sure I buy things I need, we have great sex, are still affectionate with each other. He has never been cold to me or treated me badly. Is here for me and the baby and always has my side. So, what gives? Does he want to cheat? Want his cake and eat it too? I know from experience that it is really hard to fake you love someone. I couldn't do it. I was hateful to my ex husband.
But is someone privacy that sacred to them? I wouldn't think so unless something was being hidden. But if he were looking to go outside of the relationship, why would he work so hard at mine and his relationship? Sometimes I feel it's because we can't make it financially without each other. Plus the computers are mine, that truck is mine, this house is mine. But I can't pay for them.
Sometimes I feel fine with our relationship. Then I look at him and wonder if "I love you" is a lie. Or if everything he said to me was a lie. Normally I would have left by now but I feel like I would leave half of me behind without him. I couldn't do it. And I know I sound like a childish teenage girl who relies on a man, and thats not the way I want it to be. I want to be able to stand on my own without anyone. But he is my kryptonite, my weakness... my oxygen. God, I wish I wouldn't have written this... it's all flooding back. Things I have forgiven I am angry about again. I don't want to take it out on him when I told him he was forgiven. But I just can't hold it in. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying. Help.
|
Loading...