I have absolutely no patience left for anyone any more. I'm pregnant and hormonal and I have a 9 month old son. Both dads are pieces of shit. I mean, I'm still toxically in love with the father of the child that I'm currently pregnant for, but he is absolutely no good for me. I know that everything one does in life is, in the end, the fault of that said person. I have to say, sometimes outside forces don't help any.
I was doing great when I was pregnant for the 9 month old baby boy that I already have, love, and adore. I had a two bedroom apartment and a car for us and I was just making due with two jobs. I got a job offer for an office job full time, which I jumped on since I was working two part time jobs then. As a pregnant woman, one office job verses two retail jobs sounds like heaven.. and it was.
In getting this job I learned a lot and I met the father of the child that I'm now carrying. He was wonderful. He loved me even when I was pregnant with another man's child and he was the one there in the delivery room. He was the one holding the bed pan for me to throw up in while in labor. He was the one that came to the NICU with me to see my premature baby. He was amazing and I can say that I am still in love with him, but it's bad.
He drinks too much and is way too into partying. He's hit me once, and verbally and mentally abused me. Maybe it's because he's so good at his mental abuse that I still love him.. Or maybe I'm just retarded. Either way, it's how I feel. We haven't seen each other since about the end of September-beginning of October. Anyway, everything bad started after my son was born. I had issues with babysitters and lost my job at the office which by then was also how I had my new apartment and cell phone. Lose the job, everything's gone. For the first time in about three years, I was homeless and jobless, so my son, my love, and I moved a couple hours away to my grandparents' home in the middle of no where. I got a part time waitressing job and he got a cook position at a different restaurant.
To back track slightly, just before my son was born (when the one I love really didn't mean much to me) I lost his trust my talking to another guy via email. This happened once and it was wrong of me, but no one deserves to be treated like shit forever over ONE mistake. I love him for staying but if he was really that unable to let it go, he should have just left back then. Instead he stayed and just never trusted me again. WHY? This is where all the abuse in every form began and I tolerated it. I love him. I hate him. I just want the man that was in the delivery room with me back again. I'm afraid I'll never have him.
After being in the middle of no where with my son and grandparents, he quickly showed his true colors to my family resulting in their great desire to kill him (barely exaggerating). He was obviously quickly kicked out and found a place just in town to stay. He continued to have issues until the time came in Sept-Oct that he moved back to where we had originally come from. Just after he left, I found out I was pregnant with his child. He knows, but he has yet to see me. We have tried talking and having a long distance relationship, but his distrust for me has made it nothing but stress and problems.
After a while of living with my grandparents, I made my next mistake. I trusted my mother again. She and my sister moved out of state a few months back and had been trying to convince me to get out there as well. I had finally had enough of this small town and feeling alone except for my son’s company, so I went. My mother was full of empty promises and lies. I was not able to find a job out there with a Prego belly and I was also unable to receive any help from social services because I wasn't able to comply with their requests due to my mothers lack of help that she had promised to give. Once I was at the point of soon having to either live in a shelter, pregnant with an infant or live in my car, I called my father who was back in the state I came from. He, of course, said get your things together and get back here. He wasn’t going to let us be homeless.
I came back to the small town from which I had just tried to escape. This time in the home of my father and step mother instead of my grand parents. I love them very much. My dad has always been one of my best friends, I love my step mother too but we often butt heads. She’s very pro-republican, I’m very “I feel how I feel.. No label needed.” She’s very holy and all about “the Lord Jesus Christ” and “being saved” and all that (and preaches about it CONSTANTLY). I, on the other hand, am very respectful of other’s beliefs and I do not wish to constantly talk about my religious or political views around EVERYONE all the time. I am very opinionated and so is she but our opinions and the amount of respect we show to others concerning our views is very different. Don’t get me wrong, I tell it how it is and I say how I feel, but I have some level of respect for other human beings. She is also very dramatic and I hate that. Not everything has to be the end of the fucking world as we know it. Not everything is doom and gloom. There is no reason to get mad if you make dinner and not everyone is hungry for it at the same time. Relax.. We can heat it up later. It’s just draining and exhausting sometimes. I like her and she is a good person at heart but we definitely have our conflicts.
I went down to get help from social services until I get a job and I have started applying places around here again. I think it’s going to be hard to get a job at this moment in time because even though places aren't supposed to hold against you that you are pregnant, they do. I try anyway. I want to see the father of the child that I am pregnant for, but going to where my mother is made it so I no longer have car insurance, therefore it is illegal to drive my car until I have enough money for the down payment on a new policy. I was going to see him yesterday, but since I was unable to, he wished death upon both me and our unborn child. Haven’t heard from him today. |
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