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Lost in though
by masquerade

previous entry: Tomorrow: More yelling & WTF

In the past 2 years I have lose a friendship and graduated


I have been over 2 year since I have been not active on Bloop. There are reason why I have been not active, but the reason is not time to grieve for my dad or my sister because I have not even grieve for them. I haven't even when through the process of grief, but more of being more and more lost on who I am?  Also, as I am feeling like this I feel like I am drowing to the point that I can't breathe. You may wonder why and when do I feel like this? Why I felt like that is because of people set expectation for me to be and change me to be a complete different person than who I want to be. When I feel like this was after my dad passing and I though I would have understanding friend that I would need time to process things. To think of it I don't know why I kept the friendship going? Because at the end everything that supposely went wrong in our friendship was my fault and that I have used our friendship. Until this day, I am thinking back trying to figure out how was it my fault? and how did I used our friendship? Okay, I would admit that I am not a good communitcator, but when she just start talking and not let me get a word in. What am I suppose to do? Butt in? When I do that she said, "You need to control your emotion." When I started to talk about what is not my mind she said,"Whoa! lower your voice by 3 or 4 notches." When I not even speaking loudly or even yelling, by the way when I speak I don't speak loud or yell. My voice is soft like a kid voice. When covid happen we try to keep our friendship going through Zoom, and yet thinking about it we shouldn't have because everytime we would video chat. It would give me stress and anxiety to chat with her. After we done chatting with each other I would have tears running down my face and would be very tired. To think of this situation there were many that she have made me breakdown and cry even when my dad was still living. Also, the stress and anxiety feeling did not stop with chatting, but I continue to when we were suppose to be studying and doing out homeworks (I study, finished my homework and did my student club council duties, but she did not study or finished her homework). Doing anything school related with her is stressful and biting my bottom lip to do it and getting it done. After I graduated with my double major associate degree, I went on to get my bachelor degree online at a university that is based in Arizona. A week into my class she told me she got in the same degree program and university as me. She thought it was a good idea to have the same class and professor together. It help her because she got an A in the class and I got a C in the class, when before I was aceing my classes without her help. With her help it was not good, but then we stop taking the same classes, her grades plummeted to almost an F in the class. When we video chat, I could tell that she was stress but it was not about school. It was about her business, now I remember some things that was taught to me by a very inspiring professor (who is now retired) that is never to mix friendship and business because one or the other will destory relationship. This professor right because my friendship was the evidence of he had taught me. I have been the person in the friendship that value the relationship more than adding in business because I know at the beginning of the friendship it would not last if we add business into it. It is not that we have not gave it a chance but we have tried to start a graphic design business together and at the very beginning I felt a feeling of a slight shift of our friendship. So I had to hit the break on starting a business her but then when she started her business she asked me to help her here and there on little things. I felt the same shift in the friendship, but it was too late. She started to text me day, night, and when I am trying to sleep to get things done for her business. When she is stressed, I was double as stressed to the point of being stress out. Our friendship had turn to employee and employer, there was not longer a friendship anymore. The friendship was destory in the middle of April of 2022, when she called me on the phone to talk (more like the boss was trying to find ways to repermand or fired you) when she was trying to (she said) motivate me to be better (she was taking classes to be come a life coach, and learning from her life coach). As I listen to what she was saying it was not very motivating, it was more of some one putting you down by picking at you. Realizing that this friendship was not a good relationship, it was a toxic ones. After I brokedown crying that seem like over 200 times, I took my family advice and just cut all communitcation from her for good. The feeling of stress and anxiety had subsided, then I just continue my studies and graduate with honors and being on the dean's list with almost a 4.0 (it was because I got a C in one of my class). There are time I have wonder how is she doing? Did she graduated? But I know my wonder is me being caring. So I been thinking how am I suppose to process and grieve for my dad and sister? like wearing different mask, I would need to be ready to take it off to be me. So I will be trying my best to update this diary and to do that I would try to do these pinterst 30 days challenges. I would track it on (hence the updates) here because I think am willing to try to go on a journey to find me, to be confident, to be creative, to grieve, and so on. I just hope you guys would either join me or cheer me on with this. 

previous entry: Tomorrow: More yelling & WTF

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