ReVisualise Add Fave Search
Not Logged In
0
Your Username:
Your Password:

[ sign up | recover ]

Musing, notions, thoughts and random ramblings
by Man without fear

previous entry: One of those moments

next entry: Blur....

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

05/21/2009

It's Latin for "Who will guard the guards?" or more coloquilly as "Who watches the watchers?"

It's a quote i've always rather liked, and one that at the moment i find rather apt.

I'm the guy, at least of late that people feel they can take their problems to, someone they feel they can talk to and confide it. In short i'm something of an an amateur psychologist. And that's all well and good, and i'm truly happy to help when and where ever i can.

So, who do i talk to?

Because i've got a thing, and it's a doozy.

So often i think that i'm easy going and fun and friendly because i like people and i like making them laugh and i love joking around.

That's mostly true...but there's more to it than that.......

I think i *need* people to like me, I think i'm really good at playing this part of this guy who is easy going, and cool and (sometimes)collected but that's just a mask i wear, and i've gotten so used to it that perhaps i've forgotten it's a mask...

i think i need people to like me because.......

because......

fuck......

because......i. don't. like. myself.

*deep breath*

and i thought i did.....i thought i was all set....but more and more i think i'm just a fraud....

and now i have to figure out where the mask ends and where the real me begins...and i need to really *truly* like who i am....

and i have no fucking idea how to do that...

i suppose threrapy might be in order....but it's not an inexpensive process......and it's a little frightening.

Frack me i'm so fucking scared, and i just don't know where to start......I'm so great and insightful at offering my friends advice and helpful thoughts.....why can't i just live like i tell them too...why can't i help myself as easily as i do them??

And.....if as i suspect this is rooted in childhood (as so many problems are) why do i have to pick up the (literal and metaphorical) tab for this shit? Why do i have to suffer for something that i had no control over?

And...even worse..as ever with regards to C, if these issues have hindered me in any way as a parent (and i have little doubt they have) then why does HE have to pay the price for it? I always say i don't give a shit what happens to me (perhaps that's telling) but He doesn't have anyone else, and it's so wrong that HE pay for it!

But, he gives me a motivation to succeed, so i need to take advantage of that, use that as my light to do and be better....but i do think i should take a serious look into therapy, i think it'd be helpful.

good night and good luck.

---edited to add....it's one of those things...this has been a entry i've been wanting to write for a while now...almost a week, and i've tried to site down a couple of times but i just couldn't do it...but the words and thoughts have been swirling around in my mind now, and i guess putting them down has helped, because i've had a thought.

I do like doing what i do, i like being (as i see it) smart and funny, easy-going and friendly, so there's nothing wrong with that, but what i need to do is change my outlook, i have to be funny because i like beign funny, and not because i need the other person to like my jokes...

i need to like myself and not care if anyone else likes me...

a still monumental task..but one that seems little less daunting now..

previous entry: One of those moments

next entry: Blur....

0 likes, 5 comments

[ | add comment ]

Add Comment

Add Comment

Please enter the following WHITE digits in the box below.

Confirmation Code

You think you need other people to like you because you do not like yourself, and you think you are a fraud?

Oh. Everyone has that going on in their heads.

I do too.

Hello!

[Tracie the Red|0 likes] [|reply]

http://www.friggasweb.org/renewal.html
You can help others for the exact reason why you can't help yourself. Distance. It's like trying to smell your own smell. You're so used to it, you can't perceive it.
It is both easier and harder to see through your own masks. From the inside, when you can see the seams and cheats, it's easy to wonder why everyone can't see through it, why nobody can hear you scream. But when you're lying to yourself, you're the one person who CAN'T see through it, when everyone else is calling you on it... well, of course... it isn't them it was built for.
You're born alone, you live alone and you die alone. Not only are you the only person you HAVE to please, you're the only person you CAN. You are the only person who you can depend on, and you are the only constant in your own life.
Last comment. Think on this: "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Flowers... @};-

[Exiled Wanderer|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: Part of the reason I sent you the link again, is because it answers your question of why. Why do you have to pay for the sins of the father, why does Cam have to pay for things you should have fixed, why is it you that's responsible for making up for things that were done TO YOU. There's a certain peace in knowing why, so you can stop wasting time asking the question and actually do something about it.
Flowers... @;}-

[Exiled Wanderer|0 likes] [|reply]

Do you ever find that when someone is getting to know you, that it comes off in layers, like peeling an onion, so to speak? They know a certain part of you, then as time progresses, they get to know more and more until they know the whole you... but in my case, I don't know who has ever made it all the way through to the core and who has peeled away all of the layers... Even the guy I was with for 8 years doesn't know me as well as he thinks that he does. My mom seems to think that it is that we 'save' a piece of ourselves that nobody else knows so that even if the other person leaves us, we can still feel like there was that piece of us left that they didn't know and therefore didn't hurt. Does that make sense to you?

Then sometimes it's also hard when you know that the person doesn't know the real you - or all there is to you - but then they reject you anyway based on what they know and you want to say "but you don't really know me"...only they've already walked away because they don't like what part of you they have seen at that point, and you know that if they just stuck around for a bit longer and saw more then they'd really like you more.

I know who I am, but I do not feel like facing that person most of the time - or actually doing anything to change who that person is. I have accepted her. I have accepted who I am for the most part, and that I am a very unique individual. There are many sides, many faces, to me - and it's hard to let someone see all of those faces.

I know what you mean about feeling like a fraud though but it's not because you don't know who you are or don't like who you are. It's because we tend to cover up the parts of ourselves that are most painful to see with a mask in a way.

I'm rambling and not making much sense, am I? lol.

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

Happy Birthday!

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: One of those moments

next entry: Blur....

Online Friends
Offline Friends