Like I said in my last entry, I'm on a mission to get this stuff out.
Since my teens I've had my trials in life. I spent them growing up in home that was a war zone. My mom and dad fought, split for a while, got back together, cheated on one another, became alcoholics. My sisters often fought one another over scandulous crap. My oldest sister lost her mind. Second oldest one keeps bringing home shitbags, and the third oldest one was bat shit crazy.
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The war zone known as my family has driven me to some pretty low spots. At fifteen I started using drugs. Its sad that now I'm coming forward and tell you all that I'm really the one who was stealing my own fathers pain medication. And for a while, that high was what kept me up and moving like I couldn't feel what was wrong with me or my family. Sixteen, I started turbo frying on nyquil and dayquil. May sound kinda funny, but mix the two and take massive amounts and its an uplifting trip that takes you even deeper into your own mind. And dangerous shit happens then. It was the first time I tried to commit suicide. Ever try to drown yourself? Its not as easy as it looks on T.V. Needless to say I failed at that attempt. But it drove me to find new ways into self destruction.
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At seventeen, I started using acid, some uppers, and some downers. You name it, I've done it. I felt somewhat invincible at that time. Almost like nothing could ever hurt me. My family issues didn't feel like issues anymore. But, honestly, they were. My little brother was cutting himself and hiding away from everyone. Every once in a while I'd find something grim that he had written. It scared the living shit out of me. So to take that fear away, I popped more uppers. I had really began to depend on the drugs. And thats where I began to disgust myself. I stole my own best friend Mikes medication. Sadly, I grew to the point where I depended more on my friends supply of meds, rather than my own family or even my friend himself.
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At eighteen, things didn't really change much. I was still on the drugs. I was using my older sisters friends to buy me alcohol. I moved out of my parents house the second I learned that they were moving to a less populated town, Glendive. I moved in with my best friend Mike for a few months, and then when my parents were finally gone, I moved in with my oldest sister. Now that was a trip. Her boyfriend at the time was more like an older brother to me, and still is. We did everything together. But much to his dismay and warnings, I tried cocaine, and loved the rush it gave me. Yeah, great role model for my niece and my nephew who were also living there. Uncle Steve was an addict. You know, in a town like that, it really is hard to kill yourself. I've tried hanging myself, drowning again, even tried to burn myself alive... but instinct made me get out of every situation. April 2006, I moved back in with my parents in Glendive. Almost no regrets there. I was still using drugs and alcohol. I worked at Kmart almost upon arrival in the town. Hated the boss. Like most of the people I worked with. Met the love of my life. But, regrettably I held my feelings in, until Aug 2009. Back on point, I got fired from Kfart because I refused to show up on time for a whole week. Then I O.D.'d. No one noticed that I was comatose for an estimated 21 hours. Laying there in my bed, naked, no a/c, no water, a cold sweat and no thoughts. I eventually snapped out of it, because my dog woke me up. She was the only one that knew something was wrong. After that, I spent the next few months on and off again with another addict, Emily. And she left me after my brother and I stopped fighting over her, and I joined the army.
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Joining the army was probably the best mistake I've ever made. Even though I was still on drugs for the first two and half years of my career. I eventually went AWOL before my deployment to Iraq. Ran back to Hamilton to hang out with my friends and live the fast life with my little brother, who brought me back to Hamilton. Thats when things took a turn for the worst. I was always turbo frying and drunk. I got arrested after two weeks of being on the run. 6 days later they let me loose with 48 hours to return to base... Psssh, like that was happening. I ran again. Turbo frying the whole time. Then came the house party that inevitably changed my life. Only a few people know what happened after everyone went to sleep that night. I purposely OD'd on the nyquil and dayquil, drank enough alcohol to put Charlie Sheen in a coma. And eventually, "died". Natasha Lyndquist, played as my savior that night. She forced me to throw it all back up. Stayed with me until she felt it was safe for her to go to sleep. I decided that morning to turn myself in and deploy with my unit.
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Iraq was even more troublesome for me. I was selling drugs to leadership. I was facing an Article 15 for the AWOL thing. I got just a slap on the wrist for that. Lucky. When it came time to go on mid tour leave, I was in what I had thought was a healthy relationship with Natasha. All the while still thinking about my now fiance Selina. But, I didn't think I had a chance with her, so I stayed with Natasha and got engaged. Brought drugs back to Iraq, sold them. Turbo fried through the rest of the deployment. I'd go into detail about the deployment, but this entry is more so about my rock bottom, rather than my greatest moments. A month before I came back to the states for good, Natasha admitted she was cheating on me. And thats when I lost it. I felt like I had nobody. My first night back from Iraq, I had finally done it, suicide. I was dead for exactly 5 minutes due to alcohol poisoning. After they revived me, which I still don't understand how, I began dating the troll Alex. That lasted about three weeks. And two days later came Ashley. The chick who used me for my money, sucked me dry, then left for someone richer. I was a wreck after all these events so close together. I borrowed a friends car and went for a drive. Then came my first car wreck. (I didn't have a license, still don't). I lost three months worth my memory back in Feb. It didn't last long though, as I can now remember everything. But still a wreck, I began drug use again. This time, I smoked crack.
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That lasted until June. I was dating Alex again through the whole spring... Mistake if I ever made one. She was always asking me to beat down these guys she said were bothering her. Turns out she was sleeping with them the whole time. So I left. Bothered by how much agony people had caused me, and I had caused myself. Then came my revelation.
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It was June 13th. I woke up after having a dream, that I had three years ago. The same dream I had after the tornado blew through Glendive. I knew it was time to stop the bullshit and grow up. I woke up, put on my clothes, left that random girls house, went home, threw away my drugs, my alcohol and exiled myself from the immaturities that caused me so much pain. The one person I was so afraid I was too immature to be with saved me, and it was just the thought of her. Sure I had been talking to her off and on throughout the deployment, through all of my troubles after being stateside, but I didn't realize that maybe she was my wake up call.
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She was and is always on my mind. And finally on Aug 7th, her birthday, I made my move. Finally after years of hiding my feelings, I let it out. The one person who gets who I am, and doesn't cause me pain, or start any drama. I've been clean since June 13th. And I'm trying to hold strong. Everyday that I'm here, waiting to be let go back into my civilian life, I fight the urges to abuse the addictions. I do it for her, and myself. I wish I had grown up sooner though, and made my move back in the day. Things would be so different. But I'm happy with the way things turned out. Sure my family is still a bit off its rocker, but my life is starting to get sweeter with everyday. I love my family, my friends, and above all, my beautiful fiance Selina.
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Until next time,
Steven. |
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