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Memoirs for Solace
by Kathmandu

previous entry: Death of a New Rose

next entry: Catalyst

Frigatricadeca phobia


So, Bloop... It's been a long time. So long, I nearly forgot my own Username.

There are so many names I looked to see again and so many vanished, as I have vanished. The twists of life took me into a different direction. So, I let the wind blow and I was off in the gale of life into a new direction.

There is so little worth mentioning. I work. I sleep. Throwing myself into a compulsive act to do something well, it's a trade most would not understand the pull to do well, but I can say I'm good at it and sought after. It's something that could just as easily find me twisted into the air into a new direction, like the dandelion puff without control or direction.

I miss some of the voices from the past. I have chosen. I had to. It was meant to be. And when I left it, unlike the down-carried seed with no past, I left with anguish. Left behind some pain and hurt. I have my regrets. Have felt the icy touch, once warm. And know my place in the act.

I cannot cry anymore from the loss. Nor do I expect any solemn thought of me should pass, as it was bruised and battered I left and is also what I gave.

It is better that I left quietly. I hope time heals wounds. So many say it is so. For some, perhaps it is true. I fear it is only the driest of days, where rain falls no more.

Cursed, I deserve it. Coward; I think that is not fair. Purgatory, I find a place on Earth... if not at times, Hell.

So, the meaning of the Title: Fear of Friday the Thirteenth. I never felt that way before. Out with friends, I traveled to Grand Rapids. Trail riding with ATV's, I'm not a common thing for me to do, but know the dangers, as in my youth, rode motorcycles often and recklessly. Many a broken bone...

And so, with a mere 2 minutes left in 4 hours of trail riding, I was done with the spirited driving, and putting home for the last 1/2 mile, I went off the trail and smacked a tree. Over the handlebars and did a fairly good tuck and roll. Almost landed on my feet.

"That wasn't so bad..", I said, until the Polaris Sportsman crushed me to the ground...750 lbs of it...

I got up. Tried to push the beast off of it's side, but between my pain and the fact the wheel was broken, I decided to sit and wait for my buddies to figure out I wasn't coming. 15-20 minutes.

"Are you ok?"

"I think so."

I watched while they loaded the ATV onto the trailer and since it was my truck, I drove back to their house. 1 hr later, when I pulled up, I could not get myself out of the truck. Butterworth Hospital emergency room... ICU- 65% oxygen. Bruised lungs and liver 4 broken ribs, hematoma on hip and the worst pain... 3 broken transverse process bones on L1, 2 and 3. The Muscle spasms were epic. The transverse process bones are where the back muscles attach to the back bone. And the doctor said, two inches to the right, I probably would have been wheelchair bound, if I survived.

I got up the third day and walked the hall with help. Fourth day, I did it without help. Day 5, Mary came up and got me; drove me back home. From October 13, 2017 until About March, 2018 I could not lay down, but slept, if you could call it that, elevated. If I did lay down, I could not get up without help. I lived on Oxycontin, but only enough to blunt the edge of the excruciating pain. In April, I could actually pick up a cylinder head for work. In May, I could manage to move an engine block and work a fairly complete day.

Now, I look back and realize how close to death I came that day. This past April, a 7 year old child had a similar experience to mine, and had an ATV crush him. Lacerated liver, emergency flight to Kansas City and he died on the table.

I never felt superstitious before. The week before I went on this trip, a 14 year old boy in my town died in an ATV wreck.. The week I returned another area boy, 16, died. As I was recovering, a 7 year old child died of a lacerated liver.

So, unlucky Friday the 13th, I was told I AM LUCKY... Lucky to be alive.

And so, I am. 2018 was a transformative year. I must change. We all only have so many days given us. I have wasted or ruined so many. It is time to make each one count. Love like there is no tomorrow. Live like you mean it. Laugh with your friends and have GREAT friends. Give... as it says in the bible, "You fool. Today your build your barns bigger, but tomorrow your soul will be required of you." Live... just live like there is no tomorrow. Show your loved ones you mean it.

I refuse to cave to Frigatrigadeca phobia. I will see how lucky I am. Give thanks. Show those around me how I care. As long as I live, I will try to live well and show those around me what is important is to care more for others. Share. Be a friend. Love. Encourage. Do no harm. Think less of yourself than others. Be alive.

previous entry: Death of a New Rose

next entry: Catalyst


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Geez. Im so glad you are okay. Growing up in a rural area there were two things we were not allowed to have: trampolines and four wheelers. My dad, who is a surgeon, said those were the two things that consistently put children and adults in the hospital or in the ground. Hope youre able to get over your thirteen phobia! [.Kismet.] [reply]

You write really well. I am glad that your accident has given you a new attitude in life. Itis always good when something good comes out of something bad.
[just delStar] [reply]

Frank [Twist] [reply]