Ugh.... I just spent all this time typing up a long entry to get stuff off my mind a bit and try to get myself back to writing and it randomly disappeared. Now I don't want to do it again but I'm going to. I told myself I'd try hard to get back into writing if for no other reason than to sort my head and clear out the clutter. I owe it to myself to keep trying. I just need to remember to use that backup button more often to save myself from losing everything again.
So I'll start with Christmas. It was good. My siblings and their families came over and we all did presents and dinner. It was a decent day.
I'm trying to work stuff out with my friend R, since she ditched me when she got a boyfriend. But when I told her I'm trying to figure out where I fit in her life, she said she doesn't even know where I fit anymore. So that killed my desire to fix things because no matter how much I've felt out of place in this world I always knew my friends were my family and I always had a place there. Now I don't so I'm even more lost than I've ever been and I just don't fit anywhere.
My sister's boyfriend has aggressive lymphoma. After months of different testing and doctors they finally figured that out. When they finally did they said he may not make it to the new year since the first cancer Dr said he had no signs of cancer but new cancer Dr says he has every possible symptom of aggressive lymphoma. He was supposed to have surgery the Wednesday before Christmas but they postponed it for Jan 2nd but now it's cancelled because his insurance approved it but refuses to pay the hospital he was having it at because they are in a lawsuit with that hospital. So now he has to see a new Dr in Jan to see if they can do the surgery. We are all scared he's going to die before he gets a chance to fight. He's had blood transfusions like 4 times now and in hospital for 3rd time all in less than a month. This time he has fluid on his lungs and pneumonia. It's just not looking good and it's scary.
I've lost a lot of loved ones in my 35 years on this Earth to cancer and other health problems and with every person that gets sick or dies it just brings on a flood of memories and feelings from all that I've lost that idk how much more I can stand to deal with anymore. It's too much.