All is Vanity Like Chasing Wind

We had a lovely day yesterday, Al & I.  We did lots more talking and joking around after we got back from the YMCA and Walmart.  He had me laughing so much I thought my gut would bust.  He is a funny, strange man sometimes.

Laundry got done, dishes got done, we ate leftover lasagna for lunch and had our cornish hens with spinach and mashed potatoes for dinner after the salad we made.  Unfortunately for me, eating that salad before dinner meant I couldn't finish but half of my cornish hen, but I did eat all of my spinach and at least part of my mashed potaoes.  I couldn't finish those either.  I was too full just from what I DID manage to eat.

The Bears game was uneventful.  It wasn't even a good game.  It was low-scoring with not a lot of excitement, the way most of the games are.  We wound up losing in the end, but like I said yesterday, we didn't NEED the win against the Packers, but it sure would've been nice to get it and knock them completely out of the playoffs.

We actually watched football all day, but the New Orelans & Tampa Bay game was equally as boring, and even the Seahawks & Rams game couldn't keep my attention.  I was more focused on reading and getting through my book, which I did manage to finish.  Book review is back one entry.  But, it's nice to know that in the Bears' first playoff game, we will be playing the winner of the game between New Orleans and Seattle.  I'm hoping Seattle pulls off an upset because I honestly don't want to be dealing with a New Orleans and Bears game, particularly because my in-laws are all Saints fans.

Al and I didn't get to the YMCA today.  I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning at the County Health Department and I need to bring with me proof of my Social Security income.  My bank statement doesn't say "Social Security deposit" next to the dollar amount, so that won't work.  I need an actual proof of income letter from Social Security.  Al had to go over there before going to work today, otherwise, the dentist will likely charge me the full amount due and not give me a discount for being on a fixed, limited income.  I can't afford that, and I really need to see the dentist, because it's been years since I've been to one.

That means no YMCA tomorrow either, and Wednesday is also out because Al has to go to the NEX to pick up a couple of prescriptions for me, and that is an exercise in patience because there is always a long wait.  The best I can hope for is that we'll make it to the gym on Thursday and Friday mornings this week, and perhaps Saturday and Sunday as well, to make up for the lack in the next three days.

Not a whole lot on my agenda for today, even though my notebook page is completely filled.  All the little things I have to do take up space, you know?  I've got a handful of dishes to do from this morning, still have to take my shower and whatnot, and then I'll probably spend the day reading and watching my soaps.  They're getting pretty good.

One thing I had to do this morning was call the credit union.  They screwed me up once again by putting a deposit for my checking account toward my loan.  The loan wasn't past due or anything, so there's no reason they should've done that.  Anyway, it caused me to overdraft and get charged fees, which aren't cheap!  Screw that.  Someone is going to fix it for me, even if all they do is refund my overdraft fee.  I don't know why they consistently screw it up, but I'm going to fix their butts.  Come payday, I'm going to switch my Netflix billing back to my other credit union, and change my VPI Pet Insurance on Shiloh back to that credit union as well.  Then there's no reason for them to screw anything up, because this is ridiculous.  The deposit is clearly indicating it is to go to checking, so why they feel the need to put it against my loan is beyond me.  I'll be happy when I don't have that loan to worry about anymore.

It seem that 2011 is starting out with leftovers from 2010.  I'm not sure I like that, since 2010 wasn't exactly a banner year.  At least it ended on a good note, so maybe that will actually set the tone for this year.  I can hope, right?

Point to Ponder:  The truth transforms me.

Verse to Remember:  John 8:31-32 - If you continue in my word, then are you my disciples indeed; and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Question to Consider:  What has God already told me in his Word that I haven't started doing yet?

I'm a little torn by this particular chapter of The Purpose Driven Life.  This whole chapter is about the Word, meaning the Bible, and how it is to be the sole authority in your life.  I disagree with that.  I think it's important to read and hear scripture being proclaimed, and I think it's important to know the scriptures and learn them, but I don't believe that the Bible is the sole authority.  I never have believed that.  The Bible itself doesn't claim to be the sole authority, and much of what Jesus spoke and got handed down through the Apostles and their followers never actually made it into the Bible as we know it.

I don't believe the Bible is meant to be taken literally in every instance, but rather it is a mixture of literal, allegory, poetry, symbolism, and it's only through discernment and through the teachings of the Church with things taught and handed down through the years since Christ, that we know which is which.  I'm SO not down with Billy Graham and Mr. Moody of Bible fame.

But at the same time, I do know that it IS the truth that transforms.  It's always the truth that makes you free and doesn't make you carry around heavy burdens on your shoulders.  The Bible is FULL of spiritual truth.  That doesn't make it literal truth in all instances.  I just know that when I am hiding things from myself, or trying to hide from God, I feel heavy and burdened, but speaking the truth, revealing a lie, it all makes me feel lighter and more free.  And that's what I need to start working on... being free in the truth in all things.  That is what God has told me that I haven't started doing yet, but I'm working on it.

When we try to figure out what it means to be holy, we think of many things that we do which we shouldn't.  Our minds fill with "thou shalt nots," and we promise ourselves that we will do better.  Our minds should not be so filled by the bad things we have done; we should focus on the good things we can do.  Certainly, dieting requires sacrifice, but the benefits involved far outweigh the costs.  Our focus must be on what we receive rather than what we must do without.  Dieting is not turning from what we shouldn't do.  Dieting is doing what God calls us to do.

Today's thought:  God will not leave us when we respond to his call!

I know, in my head, that God will never leave me.  Even if I am ignoring his call, he is still right there, waiting patiently for me to hear and answer him.  My heart is a different story.

Last night, I let the truth set me free.  I admitted to myself, and to God, that I am afraid to turn my life over to him because I am afraid of him.  I'm afraid that he will be disgusted with me, or displeased with me, and I'm afraid of how he will test me.  What if I fail again?  What if God turns his face from me and leaves me?  It's been the pattern of my life.

People leave me.  People get disgusted or displeased with me, and either they leave me, or they stop talking to me, or they scream at me and find a way to punish me, even as an adult.  I don't want God to do that.  My head says, "He will never leave you.  He loves you."  My heart doesn't say that.  My heart says, "Be afraid because he might.  In the end, he might."  I try and stay out of God's way and that's why I have such problems deepening my relationship with him.

I want him to be happy with me.  I don't want him to notice me, especially when I sin.  My head tells me that he notices everything, no matter what I do and he's sitting there in heaven with a scorecard making tick marks in the "good" and "bad" columns.  I know better, but I need to KNOW differently and actually BELIEVE it.  I have to trust in him that he won't hurt me, won't leave me, won't pity me, won't damn me for all eternity.

That was really difficult to admit to myself, and to him, last night.  REALLY difficult.  I don't think I'd have been able to do it, if not for reading that Sisterchicks book.  It gave me the courage to speak my truth to God and myself.  Now I just have to work on changing my mindset about it.

After I spoke to God, I broke out my Bible and dusted it off.  I didn't know where to start.  So basically I said, "Okay, Lord.  I'm going to open this book to any page.  Speak, Lord.  I'm listening."

What he showed me is that I am very wrapped up in worldly things.  Worrying about my weight and the way I look.  Worrying about bills and the house and every other little thing under the sun.  I turned to Ecclesiastes 1 and discovered that what God wanted me to know is that all the things I'm doing and have been doing, are vanity - chasing wind.  I'll never capture it, hold it, and these things will never make me happy.  My happiness needs to be found in him.  When I realize that and find that happiness, nothing else will matter.  I can still live and be in the world, and do those fleeting vain things that give me momentary bursts of fun and happiness, but the true source is Him.

It all felt very profound.

I have actually scheduled prayer time into my day now, so that I can sit down, talk to God, and give him a chance to talk to me through is Word.  I am no Bible scholar by any means, but at this point, I am pretty certain about which things are literal and which things are symbolic.  But it was nice, having that conversation with him last night, and actually, I felt better at the end of it.

The truth did set me free - at least a little bit.