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Discussion Forums » General Discussion
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A Personal Question.
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22 Aug 2009, 19:54
panda bear.
Post Count: 150
I've always told myself, that you need to think of your own happiness, before you can truly make others happy. I don't want to tell you, stay with him, or leave him... because that is 100% your decision. Now if you're asking me the question as to whether I would stay or leave, I wouldn't quite know. It would really depend on the circumstances. I know I'm not much help... but you really need to consider all of your options.

And if you don't stay with him, you'll need to sit and talk with him, or separate in the friendliest manner possible, so that you're child will still have a father figure, and not be one of those kids that mommy and daddy fight every time they speak you know? I know you mentioned he hasn't done anything wrong and he loves you and he's perfect... but things could go sour with one wrong move.

I think you really just need to sit down, and think. Think about what YOU want. Think about what's best for you and your child.
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22 Aug 2009, 20:39
Mojo Jojo
Post Count: 278
I don't know how much of a life you had before you met your current partner, but I'm guessing from your age alone that it wasn't much. Is your dissatisfaction with your partner stemming from HIM or because you feel your life ended when you met him?
I met my husband when we were 16. I cannot tell you how often I have thought about whether marrying him was the right thing to do, whether if I'd waited longer to find someone if I'd found someone better. But the truth is, I am still in love with him. We have matured together, changed together, shared our entire adult life together.
What I'm really not happy with is myself for not doing more when I had the chance. And I often blame that on my husband, when he's done nothing wrong.
Self-analysis is the way forward!
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23 Aug 2009, 01:33
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
I have been in this same situation before (without the child), and I stayed for 7 years. I knew about 3 years into the relationship that he was not "the one" that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I was not happy, and it bled into our relationship, and caused the ultimate deterioriation of the relationship itself. People looking from the outside thought we were perfect and we had the perfect relationship and we were happy... But that was a total front. Deep down we were miserable by the time it came close to the end. There was nothing that could have been done to save that relationship once I realized that he was not the one I wanted to marry and be with forever. We could have gotten married and had a life together, but it would not have been a life based on being in love or on romance or passion or anything that loving relationships should have in them.

Some said that I wasn't happy because of something wrong with ME. That I had issues to deal with and that me not being happy with myself was one reason that my relationship was breaking down. But it was not all my fault. It wasn't all about me and my happiness with myself as to whether or not I was going to be happy with him. I tried desperately to fix whatever was "wrong" with me on the inside - I started doing things I enjoyed, I went back to college, I found a new job, I started spending time with my family, I did some spiritual soul searching, I started reading. I did many things to change who I was, and in the end, I was changed - he was the same - and our relationship was still not going to work out, because the bottom line was I knew deep in my heart and soul that he was not the one at that moment in time that I wanted to be with forever.

Breaking up with him was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life and it spiraled me into a guilt-ridden depression that took me over a year to get out of. I hated myself for hurting him and for breaking up the life that seemed so wonderful to outsiders. I wondered if I had made a mistake. I regretted the decision for a while. It was hard. Extremely hard.

What I regretted most about it was that I knew 3 years in that he was not the one and I dragged it out another 4 years and then I felt totally responsible for wasting 7 years of his life, because I could have left at any time. I knew for years that he was not the one.

It has been 2 years since then. We are the best of friends now and talk regularly. We are not getting back together and there is no hope of us ever getting married, but he will always be one of my closest friends because of the time we spent together, and we are both very happy with that. We date other people, and don't have a problem discussing it. We are "just" friends. We are happier now than we ever were in the 7 years we were together and we get along much better too. It has proven that my gut was right all those years ago.

Nobody can tell you what to do because only you know what your gut feeling on the situation is. No matter what you do, you are going to be losing something. If you stay then you will always wonder if you reached your fullest potential or if you missed out on meeting your "one". If you go, then you may feel guilty later in life. Relationships are indeed hard, but they should not be forced to work if they are simply not meant to be. And they definitely should not be forced just because people say that they are hard work and that you leaving is showing that you have no perserverance or that you're chasing a dream of some form of happiness that is not realistic. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you are meant to be with them forever, and sometimes you have to go with your gut.

I would suggest that before you do anything dramatic that you discuss this with your boyfriend and see what his feelings are. For all you know, his gut may be telling him the same thing.
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23 Aug 2009, 15:55
Makayla
Post Count: 751
Thank you everyone for your response I have read everyone of them, I don't have time to respond to each one. But I have a lot to think about and a lot on my mind at the moment. I have noticed since confessing that I feel this way, I have been really bitter towards him. He took me and my daughter out for dinner last night. Then I wanted to go out again, and he said it was too late. Usually I just go with whatever. But after reading this, I told him how I feel. I want to do things that are important to me too. Hell I'm 20. He's 29. He's got to have his fun. I didn't. And that is entirely my decision. But just because I have a kid, doesn't mean that I can't go out and met new people, and have exciting experiences. My life has faded into a pattern. I just want a little more out of my life right now. Between work, school, and raising a child I have lost myself. I need to find out who I am and what I am missing out of life.
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23 Aug 2009, 20:13
Estella
Post Count: 1779
FUN DOESN'T HAVE TO STOP ONCE A PERSON HITS 29, YOU KNOW! ;D
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23 Aug 2009, 20:34
The Ryan
Post Count: 414
It does, yo! It's written. ;D
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23 Aug 2009, 21:01
Meghans Follie
Post Count: 433
SHUSH! It doesnt either!
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23 Aug 2009, 21:04
The Ryan
Post Count: 414
It's a known fact that a fortnight after your 29th birthday, you become frigid, and boring, and start talking about mortgages all the time. ;D
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23 Aug 2009, 21:20
Meghans Follie
Post Count: 433
Ahh so what you're saying is that there is no fun to be had when talking about mortgages, and what my dreaded pre-teen daughter did last night, and horrid my husband snores?
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23 Aug 2009, 21:29
The Ryan
Post Count: 414
Totally, yo! At least not any fun I will understand before I am 29! ;D
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24 Aug 2009, 05:45
RealLifeComics
Post Count: 571
Lol 30 is the new 20! Jay Z said so.
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24 Aug 2009, 08:18
Estella
Post Count: 1779
NOT IF YOU ARE MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR, YO. IN HER CASE, 70 IS THE NEW 20. SHE TOTALLY OUT-PARTIES PUCK!
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25 Aug 2009, 06:25
RealLifeComics
Post Count: 571
Oh nasty. Gotta love them Old Nugs though.
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24 Aug 2009, 04:03
Makayla
Post Count: 751
His problem is he is a worry-wart and can't let loose anymore. I don't understand it, because when we got together when he was 25, he was the life of the party.
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24 Aug 2009, 07:06
Estella
Post Count: 1779
MAYBE HE'S WORRIED ABOUT YOU, YO. MAYBE HE IS THINKING HE NEEDS TO GET SERIOUS SO HE CAN TOTALLY PROVIDE FOR YOU AND THE CHILD. THAT IS A NORMAL PHASE THAT MEN GO THROUGH - UNLESS THEY ARE SELFISH BASTARDS, YO! IF HE WAS SINGLE, HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE A WORRY WORT.
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23 Aug 2009, 23:34
sumamen
Post Count: 180
I don't know. Are you married to each other? I say, maybe instead of leaving your partner, maybe spicing things up a little bit. Sometimes we get so caught up in the "same old same old" attitude we forget how wonderful it was when we first met each other. The longing for each other, and the constant "wondering what you are doing" frame of mind.

Do something different, go somewhere new. Do something spontangeous, out of the blue.

Try it..
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24 Aug 2009, 00:04
Lauren.
Post Count: 885
I couldn't agree more. Spice the relationship up, do something different, spontaneous. I think we all go through these phases in relationships where we get caught up in the same boring routine (especially post-marriage and I assume post-baby) and we forget what it's like to really miss or crave each other. Give yourself a chance to get away and actually have a chance to miss him a bit. It CAN help things!
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24 Aug 2009, 04:43
Miss
Post Count: 239
there's no such thing as "the one". there can be ten or twenty "ones" that people may go through in their lifetime. at the end of the day, good and happy relationships don't come naturally. you have to work at them and if you're not willing to work at it then the other person is better off without you. the lovey dovey feeling at the beginning of every relationship will ALWAYS fade, and that's when people feel say things like this, that they MUST not be "the one" because they don't feel the butterflies every time they're around him.
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