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Discussion Forums » General Discussion
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A Personal Question.
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22 Aug 2009, 16:58
Makayla
Post Count: 751
Would you stay with someone that you knew wasn't "the one" even if they hadn't done anything bad to you, and supported you, loved you, and you had a child with. But you just felt like something was missing even after 3 years. You know that you aren't going to be happy the rest of your life with them. You could get by with them, but you weren't completely in love?

Please be respectful. I am asking for opinions and I know I'm going to be judged, but please be civil.
Before you go pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.
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22 Aug 2009, 17:04
~RedFraggle~
Post Count: 2651
If you've really tried, and still it doesn't feel right, then no. Because eventually it won't work, and you'd end up resenting them. It wouldn't be healthy for your child either. And you deserve to be happy yourself. There's plenty of happy children with seperated parents. It's not ideal, but it's better than growing up in a home where the parents aren't happy together.
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22 Aug 2009, 17:07
Makayla
Post Count: 751
You know I've said that myself to others, but it's hard to take your own advice especially when the person is so good to you. It makes you feel like you are ripping your daughter's family apart and I would resent myself for doing that.
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22 Aug 2009, 17:26
Makayla
Post Count: 751
The reason I asked on here, because I know I'm going to get "this isn't the place to ask something like this" is because when I asked my friends IRL all I get is how could I feel this way, I'm so lucky to have a man who is a good man and good father, etc. They make me feel bad, because all they have is dead-beat baby daddies and people who hit on them.
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22 Aug 2009, 20:42
The Ryan
Post Count: 414
I feel exactly this way, yo. Apart from the fact we don't have a child together. Other than that, it's spot on.

I think it's fine. It's a choice we make. Why leave a loving, comfortable and stable environment for one of doubt and inevitable heartbreak at the hands of somebody as non-committal as yourself, yo!? At least that is probably what makes me stay.
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23 Aug 2009, 14:37
.Blue Bella.
Post Count: 743
Sometimes it's hard to leave the comfort...

I stayed with a guy (minus child), but had 'fallen out of love' with him... and you know bit by bit, I started to find reasons to resent him and we both just ended up unhappy.
There is no real happiness in a loveless relationship.. everyone deserves love and happiness. So no, I wouldn't stay with them. And even since having a child... I know that if I wasn't happy with her father, and in love with him... I wouldn't stay. We can both love her just as well, if we were apart. You just have to remind the child that just because mummy and daddy don't love each other, doesn't mean they don't love them.
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23 Aug 2009, 21:00
Meghans Follie
Post Count: 433
If you can be civil to each other re: the child. And both parents will be able to and promise to share the child (I hate that term but its the best I can do at the moment) and the responsiblities, time etc
That means being in the same room for birthdays, and school events without looking like you ought to have armed gaurds around you just incase, and even possibly Christmas and other holidays.

Then you need to maybe seek counseling together to see why it isnt working anymore and then split.
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23 Aug 2009, 21:39
Lovin'MyLittles
Post Count: 322
I would stay. Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. If you aren't "in love" anymore, but you genuinely love and care for this man, maybe take some counseling classes to work on your relationship? Maybe go out & do new things together to "spice up" the relationship. If your relationship is truly a good one, and he does love and care for you as well as your child, I would try to stay and work on it. Sometimes they just need some work!
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24 Aug 2009, 05:51
RealLifeComics
Post Count: 571
It takes a lot of guts to open up and say you're not happy. I wasn't sure either until I spilled my guts to my partner to tell her it was over for numerous reasons. Even though it felt like my world was being thrown upside down, I felt 10 million times better once it was over. It felt right. In the long term I knew in my heart it was the right decision. There we're a lot of issues between us though, most that I don't think could be resolved.

My little boy is too young to understand, I also felt it was better for him to get used to us being apart, than when he is older. This was the most painful part though, knowing that I want to be a father not a husband.

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24 Aug 2009, 15:45
Endless Love
Post Count: 102
I wouldn't stay, it wouldn't be fair to the other person if you weren't happy, not fair to yourself or your child. Adn the person that isn't happy, it doesn't make them a bad person. These things just happen.
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25 Aug 2009, 08:15
melodye
Post Count: 61

That sounds like a normal relationship to me. lol. "Love" lasts about 18 months. If you have a friendship after that and still enjoy each others company then you have the makings for a lasting relationship. But thats just my opinion.

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22 Aug 2009, 17:12
Transit
Post Count: 1096
No, if I wasn't happy then I would feel that I was needlessly pushing my child through an unhappy and unloving relationship with my partner which would only compromise my son/daughters happiness. I would be teaching my child/ren that you don't need love or happiness in a relationship, not a view I would want my children to grow up with.

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22 Aug 2009, 17:14
Makayla
Post Count: 751
I understand that. But how would a child know that they were unhappy if they didn't argue or show it. He is loving with me but I just don't feel like it's right.
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22 Aug 2009, 17:16
Transit
Post Count: 1096
It is impossible to hide your mood and/or your arguments from children, that is why.
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22 Aug 2009, 17:21
Makayla
Post Count: 751
But that's the thing, I'm not in a bad mood when we are together. I love him, and we don't argue. It's just this little thing in me that keeps telling me, I'm looking for something different or more.
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22 Aug 2009, 19:01
Mary Magdelene
Post Count: 506
Sometimes it is something about YOU, not the partner or relationship, that is causing these feelings and you need to look deep inside to figure out why you feel this way. Relationships take work. Lots of it. The problem with many people these days is they seem to feel it is their partner's responsibility to make them happy, and it's not. You say he's good to you and your child, he loves you, you love him. What MORE is there to be had?

I'm not judging you, I just think you need to take a deep look inside YOURSELF to figure out why it is you aren't happy in this relationship, despite the fact that you say he's a loving man and good to you. That has to do with YOU, and because of that fact, NO MAN will ever "feel right" until you figure out what is causing you to feel this way with such a good man.
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23 Aug 2009, 15:50
Makayla
Post Count: 751
Thank you so much for this. I haven't ever thought of it that way before. Maybe it's not him, maybe it's me. I know that something is missing, but maybe it's missing on my end of things.
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23 Aug 2009, 23:02
lithium layouts.
Post Count: 836
I like this post. =)
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22 Aug 2009, 20:19
jodi
Post Count: 300
maybe you have fallen into a mediocre way of life. maybe you should sit down and talk to him and do something to make it exciting! maybe your expectations are too high. and maybe you should be happy with something amazing instead of hoping for more. you could lose this and then never find what you have again. think of why you think you're missing something..or think you're missing something. and get to it. maybe it's something that is in you and not the relationship as a whole.

if you love each other, are happy, having fun supporting each other and growing together..what else could you want? you have to work hard to keep things good.
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23 Aug 2009, 21:17
Lucy
Post Count: 11
It is definitely not impossible! I thought I had the perfect family and perfect parents when I was a child and out of nowhere they split up... they had both been cheating on each other and unhappy for a long time, they went from (as me and my sister thought) loving parents to hating each other to the very extreme over night :(
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22 Aug 2009, 22:34
Jessica [Private]
Post Count: 1751
Kids are smart little buggers. They always find out things you never think they will.
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23 Aug 2009, 14:39
.Blue Bella.
Post Count: 743
As your child gets older, she will know. She will know something is missing in your life and eventually she will work out that she was the reason you stayed and she will feel guilty for that.
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22 Aug 2009, 17:54
Estella
Post Count: 1779
WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE ELUSIVE 'THE ONE'. I BELIEVE ALL RELATIONSHIPS TAKE WORK, AND HAVE GOOD AND BAD ASPECTS. I THINK THAT PEOPLE ARE OFTEN SEEKING SOME KIND OF ELUSIVE ECSTASY AND THAT LIFE ISN'T ABOUT THIS, SO THEY ARE BOUND TO BE DISAPPOINTED. AND I THINK THIS IS WHY SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES BREAK DOWN, AND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE ARE DEPRESSED. IT'S THE IDEA OF THE 'AMERICAN DREAM' - THAT IF YOU SEEK HARD ENOUGH, YOU CAN FIND ETERNAL HAPPINESS, AND LIFE CAN BE UTTERLY HUNKY DORY. PEOPLE ARE NEVER CONTENT, AND THEY ALWAYS THINK LIFE COULD AND SHOULD BE BETTER. BUT IN REALITY, MUCH OF LIFE SUCKS, YO. NOT TO BE NEGATIVE OR ANYTHING - BUT THAT IS JUST REALITY. LIFE IS A MIX OF GOOD AND BAD. I FIND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO SETTLE DOWN WITH THEIR PARTNER BECAUSE THEY FEEL DEEP INSIDE THAT THEY COULD FIND SOMEONE BETTER (UNLESS THEY ARE THE ROMANTIC TYPE WHO DECIDES THAT THEIR LOVER IS TOTALLY THEIR MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN - BUT LATER THEY GET DISAPPOINTED, BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS FLAWS), AND A LOT OF PEOPLE I KNOW HAVE SAID THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY HAD TO DECIDE THAT THEY WOULD STOP SEEKING FOR SOMEONE BETTER AND TAKE THEIR PARTNER FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.

I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD STAY WITH YOUR PARTNER. THAT IS YOUR CHOICE ENTIRELY, AND IT IS TOTALLY NOT MY PLACE TO MAKE ANY SUCH JUDGEMENT. THIS IS SIMPLY MY VIEW ON THE WHOLE 'I DON'T THINK HE IS THE ONE - I KNOW I COULD FIND BETTER' THING, FROM WHAT I'VE OBSERVED.
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25 Aug 2009, 08:17
melodye
Post Count: 61
Totally agree.
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25 Aug 2009, 08:41
& skull.
Post Count: 1701
lol, when i read that i got tim's minchin's "if i didn't have you" in my head. the main line being "if i didn't have you, someone else would do" ;D
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