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Discussion Forums » General Discussion
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Do you Outgrow your Friends?
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18 Jun 2009, 00:06
septemberocio
Post Count: 61
What does a friendship mean to you?

I have just been thinking lately. I have 3 best friends, all very different. Claudia, has 2 kids and a strict boyfriend/husband. Bibiana, 2 kids and her husband is a DJ, so they are more liberal. Then, there's Cynthia, single and no kids.

Then there's me... Single mother.

This isn't about just my friends but, friends in general. Why do sometimes friendship change when your relationship status changes?

Those 3 girls have been my best friends since school, for over 10 years each. I love them to death and don't love them any different. But, Claudia usually invites me out more when I have a boyfriend, I guess when we could double date. When I'm single, she gets upset that I go out, party and date and she doesn't.

I have an old friend named Angie, we were so close and then she turned "gothic", or whatever she calls herself. I love having different set of friends, but she thinks I'm different now because I have been married and I am someones mom. So, she distances herself from it (without making it too obvious) and says that is something she never wants to do.

Why is it that friends come together when both their hearts are breaking, but when they are happy with their partner, all they give you is 2 minutes of a pitty party. That's not what it's about.

Friendship, you just have to be there and listen, it has to reciprocate. Regardless of your status, what you believe in, how you dress and what kind of color you like.

Why are we all so afraid of something different?

Why can't we just all love eachother and accept that we're not all going to be the same.

This is kind of all over the place, but the bottom line... Do we all keep close friends that have similar taste and lifestyles?
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18 Jun 2009, 16:42
wiggles
Post Count: 19
The friends I have now who I see a lot I've been friends with for I think just over two years.
The friends I had previously to this, well I go to college with one of them so I see her every week. The others I speak to two of them occassionally and there are very rare occassions when we all get together. 4 out of the 6 of us have children though which has played no part in keeping us closer.
Out of my close friends now, 2 are living together, another 2 are living together (this is my sister and her boyfriend) and we see each other quite a lot, even if it's just going to someone's house to watch a dvd or play a game or something. I think people can grow apart but I also think that you don't necessarily have to be at the same stages of your life for things to work. We also vary in age from Jess, who is the youngest at 19, to Paul who is the oldest at 24. Not a HUGE age gap, but perhaps enough for it to be expected these people would have different views and stuff.
I think it really just depends on how well you get on and whether it's a mutual friendship rather than one where one person puts in all the effort. They always go wrong.
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18 Jun 2009, 16:45
wiggles
Post Count: 19
Also, I think I'm lucky in the fact that although I'm the only person in my current group of friends who has children, everyone loves them and they are more than happy for them to come out with us. We've been to the park all together and bowling. We're planning on camping sometime and everyone has said that if I can't get a babysitter, or would just prefer to, bring the kids with me. Also, they have been invited to my friend Sam's house for juice (while we have a brew) one day after school when he isn't working, and to stay at Sarah and Paul's house sometime. So I think it's how much people understand each other's situations and are willing to adapt to it as well.
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18 Jun 2009, 23:15
septemberocio
Post Count: 61
Yeah, I would agree with that too.
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18 Jun 2009, 19:36
Acid Fairy
Post Count: 1849
I have outgrown one of my best friends from high school. We always used to go clubbing every week, but then I went to uni and she got a job. Now, I often want to do something a bit more 'cultural' or just go for a quiet drink at the pub, yet she always wants to party. Then when we do go out, she always goes off with her bloke and leaves me.
She never talks to me unless I suggest going out, despite us being so close in the past.
I think I've just grown up and she is still wasting her money and ruining her liver.
She's not worth the time of day anymore.
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18 Jun 2009, 22:15
*~Loving You~*
Post Count: 507
Hmm - friendship means alot of things...

i dont out grow my friends or they dont out grow me some has drifted apart yes but we keep in contact all the time, a bunch of us are now getting married and so on... i was afraid after high school i would lose em but we stayed close i have friends from preschool still and we are all in our 20s, and now they are starting to move out the state have thier own lives with thier sinficant other... marriage, kids, jobs but once in a while ill see em!
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18 Jun 2009, 00:27
Estella
Post Count: 1779
AT THE SAME TIME, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING THAT HOLDS A FRIENDSHIP TOGETHER. SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE FRIENDS JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING TOGETHER, AND THEN WHEN THEY GET OLDER THEY REALISE THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON AND NO CONNECTION AT ALL. IF IT IS A PERSONALITY CLICK, THEN THE FRIENDSHIP IS LIKELY TO LAST, BUT IF IT'S JUST A SHARED HOBBY THEN THAT WILL NOT LAST IF THE HOBBY DOESN'T LAST. AND YOU CAN REPLACE HOBBY WITH LIFESTYLE, TASTE, ETC. - THE SAME APPLIES. WHEN YOU ARE A KID, YOU CAN MAKE LOTS OF 'FRIENDS', BUT REALLY MOST OF THEM ARE PEOPLE YOU JUST HAPPEN TO DO THINGS WITH AND SPEND TIME WITH. LASTING CLOSE FRIENDS ARE FEWER. LIKE, YOU CAN LOVE EVERYONE AND ACCEPT THAT WE'RE NOT ALL GOING TO BE THE SAME, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CLICK WITH EVERYONE AND WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM AND BE CLOSE TO THEM.
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18 Jun 2009, 22:37
i`m his lil bearrr.
Post Count: 41
that's exactly what i'm going through with my friends. when we don't spend time together, we drift apart, there isn't that huge mental click with them that drives us to see them more.
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18 Jun 2009, 00:29
Mary Magdelene
Post Count: 506
Our circumstances do tend to change how we relate to others, and often how others relate to us. I don't think it's a matter of outgrowing your friends (though sometimes that is possible) but more about our lives taking us in different directions.

Coupled friends are less likely to invite a single friend to do things because you tend to hear single people complaining about being the third leg or the fifth wheel and just feeling out of place and the coupled friends don't want their single friend to feel that way. Friends without kids are less likely to do things with friends with kids because they don't have anything for the kids to do and we all know how kids can be when they aren't entertained.

So I don't think it's necessarily outgrowing the friend or being afraid of something different or not being able to accept something that isn't the same as us. If they don't accept that you're different, than were they really friends to begin with? I think it's more just as I said above, your lives are taking you in different directions, your priorities are becoming more and more different. It happens.
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18 Jun 2009, 23:54
~RedFraggle~
Post Count: 2651
I think that probably very much depends on the individual situation. My friends who are in couples often invite me out with them, even although I'm single, and I don't feel uncomfortable hanging out with them. Similarly I often suggest hanging out with my friend and her baby. We'll just chose to either meet at hers or go out somewhere for a few hours, to somewhere baby appropriate. I think real friends will make the effort.
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18 Jun 2009, 00:51
Oprah Noodlemantra
Post Count: 300
Speaking from the perspective of a single girl with plenty of married/non-single people, some with kids, it's hard on our end. When your friends worry about diapers, school, and all that, and you don't live that life, you don't understand it. Plenty of my friends have outgrown me, especially the ones with kids. The simple truth is that people without kids don't understand life with kids. Plain and simple. It's not that I love my friends any less, or that they love me any less, it's that we don't understand the life that the other lives.

Today, I found out that one of my best friends is pregnant. Even though she and I are extremely close, I already know that our friendship is going to change. The things we do together won't happen anymore, the things we talk about won't be the same, and things will change. I hate knowing that, but because it's happened so many times, I'm used to it. It's one of the many pitfalls of growing up, you lose things you love.
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18 Jun 2009, 04:45
♥ Steph
Post Count: 52
I think sometimes people just change too much to continue being friends. I've had friends for YEARS and than somewhat recently we just grew apart. I think it's just something that happens sometimes. It's just makes sense sometimes to throw in the towel on a friendship when you don't have much on common than struggle to keep it going just because you've know each other for a certain amount of time.
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18 Jun 2009, 09:02
take me there
Post Count: 40
When I was single all of my friends were single so it was no problem. Then my best friend started dating this boy. He was really shady and would cheat on her and she would always believe him over me. Thats when I decided that our relationship had to change because I would never put a boy in front of my friends, simply because they have been there longer. My best friend that ive had for about 14 years doesn't date anyone without my approval because if I dont approve of them we both know it will strain our friendship. I'm not saying I get to choose the guy or anything but I just want to make sure he is good enough for her same goes for me. Our friendship hasn't changed even though I've been in a relationship for two years and shes been on and off single. We still hang out and it really doesn't bother me to hang out with her and her boy without mine, I can hold my own.

I wouldn't know about kids yet, as I haven't had them. I have a friend on bloop that has two children and I can't relate to her much anymore. We met and became good friends when she was heartbroken, now though we dont get much time to talk, which is sad but a part of life. I can't relate to her on that level so its natural that we become distant because she has experience more in that way than I do.
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18 Jun 2009, 09:39
.November.Butterfly.
Post Count: 210
I have two very good friends, from two different situations. When i was at college we were very close, going through breakups i was closer with one and not the other, once coupled up the other was closer... we go through phases sometimes our life situations bring up together, sometimes it throws us apart.
Right now its hard because i have a baby and they don't... I fully understand that they don't want to listen to my baby babble all the time, just like listening about them getting drunk doesn't do it for me any more... however we catch up regularly regardless. they are proud 'aunties'. I fully expect us to become close again when they have children and we have something in common again and i'm happy to wait for that.
as long as you're willing to wait until life throws you together again and understand that noone is the same all the time, you'll stay good friends.
I have other friends who distanced themselves from me as soon as they knew i wanted a baby. one girl even said, after i said how we wouldn't be friends so much anymore, 'i'm not going to say it won't happen because i know it will' ...we;ve barely stayed in touch after being together for 2 years nonstop at college!
xx
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18 Jun 2009, 13:09
Let It Be
Post Count: 226
I feel like my boyfriend and I have 'outgrown' a lot of our friends because we just matured out of our teenage years and they didn't...or we realized they were never very good people/friends to begin with and we just cut our ties more or less. A lot of our friends do have at least one child now, and that definitely changes things because hanging out has to be centered around if someone can babysit for them. Regardless I still try to 'be there' and be sympathetic towards the woes of my friends who have kids even if I don't fully understand.

I had a really great solid group of friends when I was in high school, but I was one of those jerks that stopped hanging out as much once I got a boyfriend that was outside of that circle. Also once we all went to different colleges the group very much split up (which makes me care less that I ditched them for my boyfriend, since we're still going strong!) I still keep in touch here and there but overall you can see that the whole group has moved in different directions. I think as I get older I find my close family to be more important and permanent than a lot of my friends are/were. Friends are of course very important, but I think during your early/mid 20s its harder (unless your living on a college campus) because some people have kids and some don't and life in general becomes much more hectic whereas a few years ago life was much easier and less stressful. I feel like now sometimes there just isn't time to hang out with some people, even if I really want to.
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18 Jun 2009, 23:58
Dead_Silence
Post Count: 1
Yes people outgrow others, Even in marriages. People meet others, take thier habits, or get new hobbies, jobs, they move, it's very easy to lose touch with others anymore, somewhat sad....but true
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18 Jun 2009, 14:06
Love, Rebekah
Post Count: 85
I have outgrown friends before. I have matured, while they sre still very childish. I lost a few of them when I got married. I was ready to move on with my life, grow up. A lot of them just wanted to party. I've never really been big on that like them, and we slowly grew apart. Sometimes it doesn't matter how close you are or how long you have been close (Britaney and I were best friends for 11 years, Rachel and I were besties for about 12) you change and you grow and no matter how much you don't want it to happen, it does.
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18 Jun 2009, 17:03
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
This happens to everyone in life. It is very natural and normal for everyone. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with having children or not, or being married or not. It is simply that we all have our own journey of life. We all grow up and change. We come into ourselves and find out who we are. As we grow up, we are not the same as we were. From 18, to 21, to 25, to 30 you become a completely different person than you were. We all change, and we all grow apart.

Sometimes our paths cross and we are friends with people, and sometimes our paths take different directions. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason, but they are not always meant to be in our lives for a lifetime. Some people serve their purpose in our lives and then life takes them out of our lives. Sometimes they are only meant to be around for a little while to give us some sort of experience, and then it's time for them to go. Not everyone is meant to be lifetime friends. Some are, but most are not. You have to recognize it and let them go, and accept it as a part of life.
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18 Jun 2009, 23:22
septemberocio
Post Count: 61
Well, when it comes to Angie (a girl I grew up with) she was more worried about our different lifestyles.

My other friends don't want to loose touch. It's just a strain we go through sometimes. It's deeper than that, but I would agree with you.

Thanks for the input.
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18 Jun 2009, 23:50
~RedFraggle~
Post Count: 2651
I've grown apart from some of my high school friends, but with others the friendship has just gotten stronger over the years.

For me it hasn't had anything to do really with marriage or kids either. Of the three high school friends who I've remained closest to, one is married, another is getting married this year and another has a baby. And I'm single. But it just means that sometimes I hang out just with them, and other times it's with them and their husband/fiance/baby. But I get on well with their other halves and I adore my friend's baby, so it's not a problem to me. But there's still a lot we have in common, outwith our marital status! And I think you need to have something in common to keep a friendship going.

But I still think it's quite normal to grow apart from some people over the years.
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