Attached Entry: 1,164
TOTW # 1
TOTW # 1
What is your biggest regret?
When I was 17 I was dating my high school sweetheart, Nick. We were together for close to 3 years so most of high school. We started out at the same school then he transferred to the technical high school because he was really into cars and that school had a great automotive program (honestly it was the only thing keeping him from dropping out) so during the school day we didn't see each other obviously.
One day two friends of mine approached me at the beginning of lunch and pulled me aside. I always ate lunch with a bunch of friends, there was like 8 of us, sometimes less, sometimes more. But generally the same people. These two friends told me that our friend, G, was going around telling people I'm pregnant and asked me if it were true. I was like "WHAT?! No! Why would she do that?" G is in a wheelchair beause she has spina bifida. Up until this day, we were really close. We lived down the street from each other, I used to sleep over her house, and we had Sign Language II together and I always took her to her bus everyday. So her going around saying this made no sense to me.
So I, of course, being a teenager full of hormones and no common sense to calm down and process this, confront her right in front of our group. Well, let's be honest, other groups nearby pretty much heard me shouting miraculously over the loudness of all the students. The acoustics in the cafeteria/commons area is ridiculous because of the high metal ceilings. It always sounded like a football stadium full of people were in the room when in reality there weren't so many. Anyway, I go "G, I heard you're telling people I'm pregnant. Why the fuck are you saying that?" She was stunned. My friends were stunned. They looked from me to her to me to her. No one knew what to say or do or who to side with. So, they decided hey let's watch what develops then make a decision where we stand.
I'm fuming and let me explain. Looking back now 22+ years later (God, I'm old) I'm in shock I even confronted her. I'm not the confrontational type. But I was so mad. She tried to explain to me that she was concerned about me because she noticed that I was waddling like a pregnant person. I looked at her in stunned silence. Uhm, ok? WTF? I went off about how she had "no right to go to other people and if she was really concerned she should have talked to me not Tom, Dick, or Harry! Me! And by the way, I'm not pregnant and even if I were it would be too early for waddling!" And I stormed away.
Then during class (not one we had together) I had to use the restroom so I got a pass and went. I felt sick because I was still angry and I was nervous about seeing her in my next class. Do I walk her to her bus like normal or does she have to ask someone else to do it? Went into a stall and I can hear other people in the stalls. Someone's crying. I'm too wrapped up in my own drama to notice it at first. Then I hear these girls asking the cryer what was wrong. The cryer tells them that a friend is angry with her because she told other people she thought her friend was pregnant..." OMG it's G....I was going to come out of the stall and glare at her but I stayed put. Then she introduces herself to these girls. They don't even know each other! Now she's telling people she doesn't know...
The next day she tries to talk to me. I called her out on the bathroom sitch. Okay, I'm nearly 17 and did you really think I'd handle it maturely? No. Of course not. So now I'm even more angrier. Fast forward a couple of days to the weekend and I woke up early. Mom was in the kitchen and I went to the bathroom and threw up out of nowhere. I was like wth? Great, what a fucking week! Fight with G and now the flu! I go into the kitchen to get something to drink and mom's back to to me and she says quietly, "Are you pregnant?" My heart STOPPED. First G now mom! Then the sinking realization of it all...I had been nauseous but not throwing up the last few days. But I never told that to G or mom. I had just thrown up but I don't feel feverish. So instead of denying it like I was about to I stammered that I didn't know.
We went to Walgreens got a test and yep...big fat positive. I think I went into shock. I called Nick and he came over. We took a walk and I told him. I was thinking great, he's going to dump me, I lost a friend who happened to be right all along, and now my parents are probably going to kill me. While we were out my mom told my dad and Nick went home and told his mom. Mom and dad were very calm (surprising for mom) and they told me that they love me and would support me in whatever I decided. Whether I kept it, had an abortion, or gave the baby up for adoption. It was my choice.
Total opposite reaction with Nick's mom. She was hysterical. She was marching back and forth so fervently I was sure she'd burn a hole in the rug. She yelled. She cursed. She cried. She said there was absolutely NO way we were keeping the baby. She insisted I have an abortion. She said all the things to make you feel like a shitty person. She already hated me before that. Nick said he'd drop out of school and get a job. That he loved me. She went ballistic at this news and I could see the hatred she had in her eyes for me. She told me I ruined his life (uh yeah because it doesn't take two, now does it?) and just pretty much tore me into pieces.
Nick finally had all he could take of her, screamed at her and took my hand and we left. We went to the bridge by our pool (I forgot to mention we lived in the same building..3 doors down from each other. He was literally the boy next door) and he reiterated to me that he would definitely drop out and get a job so we can get an apartment and raise a baby. I think I was still in shock and emotionally drained by then. So I didn't agree or disagree. I just pretty much nodded and held on to him and cried into his shoulder.
Then we walked back to our building and he went home. Everything that woman said to me resonated. The longer I thought about it, the more I decided that I couldn't let him drop out of school. That we weren't ready for this. We were juniors in high school, for gods sake. Neither of us had a job at the time. I knew I couldn't give a baby up for adoption because I get attached too easily and I would never let it go in the end. I imagined that fight, too. I imagined it ten times worse than the fight hours before. I thought about the burden I would put on my parents if I keep the baby. I know what they said and I know they would have helped me raise the baby until I was able to do it on my own. But my baby brother was 8 years old. My moms 3rd child, my dads 1st and only biological child. She was tired from raising the 3 of us. Then I thought about how disappointed my grandparents would be. I just freaked out about everything.
So in the end, I ended up having an abortion. I couldn't look my grandfather in the face because my mother had told him and he paid for it. My grandmother never even knew I was pregnant. She would be hysterical. She died never knowing that fact. I felt ashamed. It wasn't what I really wanted. The day of the abortion I remember getting into the gown and the nurse asked me if I was sure and if I wanted to talk to my mom or Nick (they were both in the waiting room. I can't imagine how that went). I said no but the minute she left I wanted to talk to mom. I wanted to put my clothes back on and walk out and tell them I changed my mind. I know they would have been fine if I had. But I couldn't find my courage.
I just remember waking up and being alone in the room and coming to the slow realization of what had just occurred. The nurse came in, checked me over, and told me I could get dressed and then walked me out. I couldn't walk on my own, Nick and mom had to help me to the car. I must have slept 13 hours. I cried. I cramped and the nurse explained that was my uterus going back to its original size. I took the meds given to me. I felt deep shame. Shame for how I treated G, for being pregnant in the first place, and for the abortion. I didn't speak of it again for many years. But I never stop thinking about it. Ever. I think about how old it would have been today (23) and whether it would have looked like me or Nick or a combination of both.
If we had kept it, that kid would have had a crazy upbringing. After Nick and I broke up shortly before graduation, he dated this chick for a hot second. She was ugly. She looked masculine. Nick and I, after a small period of time, decided we'd stay friends. She wasn't fond of me. Competition I guess. She was quickly out of the picture (never found out why - I hoped it wasn't me) and then he started dating this GUY named Chris. My mom found out and she started teasing me that I turn men gay and it annoyed the FUCK out of me! So the kid would have had mom, dad, stepdad, and stepdad lol. Not confusing. By the way, Chris hated me even more than Rene did. I tried to be nice to him but he was jealous. And that amused me because that was how Nick was with me and now he got karma!
My biggest regret in the whole thing was chosing the path I did and for never apologizing and making up with G. In the end, she was right, but the way she went about it was wrong. I lost my chance to be a mother and a chance to get my friend back.
(Side Note: I don't want to hear your stance on abortion. Please be respectful. I'm pro-choice. I didn't like getting an abortion but I'm grateful I had the choice to choose what happened to my body).