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Discussion Forums » General Discussion
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Question for people in relationships
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17 Oct 2010, 05:23
Tam I Am
Post Count: 309
You're in a relationship. You have a friend of the opposite sex that you like to hang out with and watch movies. Your significant other has a problem with this. Do you quit hanging out with your friend because of your partner's jealousy/paranoia problem?

I mean is it really possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex while you're in a relationship with someone? And I mean just friends. Like hang out, watch movies type of friend.
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17 Oct 2010, 11:49
Chris
Post Count: 1938
There's a trust issue in the relationship. There may or may not be a reason for it. Address it.
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17 Oct 2010, 17:06
Meghans Follie
Post Count: 433
I have been married for about 14 yrs. My two best friends are men. Tim doesnt mind. I think he didnt trust one of them at the start but after he got to know him he was ok with it. Invite your SO along to the movies or the next time you hang out.
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17 Oct 2010, 20:45
Transit
Post Count: 1096
Removing a friend ship will not remove a partners distrust, people who have so little trust that friends aren't allowed will never change. They're also pretty stupid, cheating can only happen when someone is in a relationship, so having couple only friends makes no difference what so ever. I find that most people with trust issues are more likely to be the one who cannot be trusted, guilt etc.
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18 Oct 2010, 06:03
Poetic Justice
Post Count: 229
I try to always look at it as if I were in his position. For example, would I be comfortable with my boyfriend having a female 'just a friend' that he hangs out with all the time and watches movies with when I'm not around? Absolutely not. I admit, I can be on the jealous side, but it also has to do with me trying to be open minded in the past and let it slide in former relationships, only to get burned in the end and find out my boyfriend was the town bicycle.

I personally see it as unnecessary stress on the relationship. You can trust someone completely, but if you choose to ignore warning signs when they present themselves, it borders on naivety. Having these 'just friends' kicking around is a red flag in any relationship. YOU may know that it's innocent, and it may truly be, but he can only take your word for it. So where does he (or anyone for that matter) draw the line between "I really want to trust them..." and ending up feeling like an ass after they've been cheated on?

I'm not saying that you would do that, of course, I'm just saying that trust is a very fragile thing, and I personally would never compromise the trust of my partner for movie time with a friend :-/
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18 Oct 2010, 06:29
Jessica [Private]
Post Count: 1751
I think it's completely possible. But out of respect for my boyfriend/husband I would obviously have some sort of mutual event thingy. Like invite my friend over for videogames or something, and if my partner still felt uncomfortable with me hanging out with them, then I'd need to respect his feelings on the matter and hope he'd do the same if the situation were reversed.

I also can't tell you how many times in the last month my brother has told me how stupid chicks are for thinking that dudes just want to be friends with them.

I don't personally believe it, as I have many male friends. But he swears by it.
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18 Oct 2010, 15:08
starsmaycollide
Post Count: 408
Agreed with Anon Source. Something needs to be addressed that likely has nothing to do with the friend in question, because you shouldn't need to stop hanging out with that person.

It's absolutely possible to have that kind of friend. My husband's 'best man' in our wedding was a woman-a great friend of his. (Interestingly, the same was true in my best friend's wedding-hewr husband also cjose a woman as his best 'person', a best friend since HS.)

While we were engaged, I went out of town, across the country for a few days and Chris's friend hung out with him and watched movies. When a classmate found out, she thought I should be jealous/offended, and I found that hilarious. Why? He's not in love with her. She's like his sister. There was nothing to be jealous of. She is my friend too, even though I completely respect her friendship with him is different than it is with me because they knew each other longer than she's known me.
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18 Oct 2010, 15:10
starsmaycollide
Post Count: 408
(to clarify-she didn't STAY with him, just came over often, and my classmate thought there was something weird about a girl being in my apartment without me there.)
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19 Oct 2010, 02:16
.Ban.Ignorance.
Post Count: 180
take his feelings into consideration (but.. ONLY if he would consider yours.. would he?) but dont stop hanging out with him all together
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21 Oct 2010, 01:45
Lovin'MyLittles
Post Count: 322
I think it's possible to have friends of the opposite sex. I have friends that are guys and my Husband has friends who are girls. I would be okay with my Husband having lunch with one of his female friends, but I'm not entirely sure I'd be comfortable with him going over there and watching a movie with her and I'm not sure, flipping the situation, that I would want to go watch a movie with another guy... to me, the situation just says "inappropriate" and I trust my Husband 100%.
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21 Oct 2010, 23:43
Acid Fairy
Post Count: 1849
If anyone I went out with said that, it would start a huge fight. What an unreasonable demand. It's natural to have slight jealousy but the solution is to manage it, not to make stupid requests.

Yes. Men and women can be friends. Although in my experience at least ONE party has at one time or another had feelings for the other.
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21 Oct 2010, 23:45
Acid Fairy
Post Count: 1849
I say this as a woman who gets on with guys better than girls so of course this would be a huge issue as some of my best friends are male!
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17 Oct 2010, 09:59
.Blue Bella.
Post Count: 743
Yes, but I don't do anything to give him a reason to question it. If he is uncomfortable with me doing that with a friend, then I have to take his feelings in to consideration.
Take into account that it may not be you he doesn't trust - but the other person.
For me, if Ty doesn't want me hanging out with someone, I just invite him along.
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17 Oct 2010, 12:41
& skull.
Post Count: 1701
he may be wary of the closeness. i'd bring him along and show him there's nothing to worry about. if he still can't get over it then the problem is his and not yours.
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17 Oct 2010, 12:51
I'mStillTatartot
Post Count: 75
I had the same problem with my ex. she never trusted me around boys when she wasnt there, however, she was the one who always cheated, not me... anyway, i agree with anonymous source, address it, try to talk to him about it.
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17 Oct 2010, 15:32
HorrorVixen XO
Post Count: 869
i agree with chris!!
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17 Oct 2010, 18:37
Leona Wren
Post Count: 425
Well, I'm going to disagree with everyone.

The problem is when you are a couple, and are devoted to one man, you should have COUPLE friends. Not single guy friends as your friends. Do you honestly think bringing him along is going to help it? What if he sees this "friendship" the conversation, the laughing, etc. as flirting?

For me personally, I would find it disrespectful if my significant other was going out to a movie with a single female. You should never give off the impression "of evil."
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17 Oct 2010, 18:42
Chris
Post Count: 1938
@queenbutterfly: Not everyone is in that situation, yo. I have some female friends that my girlfriend doesn't get along with. I'm not going to stop hanging out with these people for that reason alone.
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18 Oct 2010, 00:38
.Blue Bella.
Post Count: 743
I disagree. It's not my fault some of my mates can't get/keep girlfriends. I'm not going to stop being friends with them just because I'm part of a couple. I think that is very close minded.
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21 Oct 2010, 01:48
Lovin'MyLittles
Post Count: 322
@queenbutterfly (my Megggggan!) -- I agree with you totally. You are devoted to 1 man when you're in a relationship and I agree that you should have couple friends. I still have guy friends who I talk to periodically but I could (never) see myself hanging out with them 1 on 1 without my Husband. I'm sure he'd be okay with us having lunch but watching a movie with a member of the opposite sex without your SO just screams "danger! danger!" to me.
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21 Oct 2010, 14:23
Leona Wren
Post Count: 425
Yes, this is exactly what I mean. A lunch gathering is ok, but really, to go out to a movie, or hang out a lot alone is just not appropriate. I'm not saying that EVERYONE gives in to temptation, but lets be honest with ourselves. When you hang out with the same person, on a consisten basis, you begin to see or feel things for them when you maybe shouldn't.

I do have a few male friends that I conversed lightly with over facebook and text, but when I was with my husband he knew them, and he knew what I was talking about. And normally it was about work or simple day to day things.

:)
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18 Oct 2010, 00:15
Finally Mrs. Bailey
Post Count: 181
I agree with Chris, address this problem quickly before anything bad happens.

Oh, and don't drop your friends just because they're single.
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18 Oct 2010, 02:07
Greta Garbage
Bloop Community Organizer
Post Count: 297
I'm fortunate enough to have a husband that never gets jealous. Removing that friend won't do anything but cause you that friendship. His trust issues will always be there. For some reason, he's either very insecure with himself or someone really wronged him in the past that makes him shy away from trusting anyone again. That's not your problem though.
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18 Oct 2010, 02:25
RealLifeComics
Post Count: 571
No probs at all. I hang out with my bands lead singer (whos a girl) and my girl trusts me completely. She even lets me go out and be wingman for my friend, which involved talking and sometimes flirting with girls so my friend can make his move on his target. Think if youre hiding things from your partner they have a right to question. At same time, if you are insecure, makes your partner hide things from you.. to not hurt you or just to avoid argument even though they arent cheating at all.
Its definately possible to keep a friendship with the opposite sex (or same sex in some situations.. you know what I mean)
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18 Oct 2010, 05:19
Opie's Old Lady
Post Count: 459
talk to him about it & even suggest that he come along to see that there is nothing to worry about. it may be that in the past he was with someone that claimed they were just hanging out with a friend & they were nothing more then that but when in fact it was a lie. Trust is hard when you've been burned, trust me I know from personal experience. Sometimes a little chat & encouragement that it's nothing more & witnessing that it is nothing more then friendship helps. It shows the person that you care & are taking their feelings into consideration. Jealousy & concerns like that, to me, doesn't automatically mean it's guilt or that he's cheating so he thinks that you must be. If this person is a true friend they will understand the changing of how your friendship is (i.e. not as many one on one hang out/movie days). From personal experience if they give you shit, toss their ass cause they ain't worth your relationship with your guy. Trust your heart & gut. They never lead you astray.
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